I've been wrestling all day with who to talk to about this. I hope there's someone here who can share some wisdom... help me calm my anxieties, and put them in perspective... Last night I feel like I participated in psychic sex, or sex magick. Occasionally I get visual glimpses, sometimes I hear words spoken - mostly I feel the energy.

I'm writing because I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I must have agreed to this for it to happen (and that's shameful, or not?).. Maybe it's cause for celebration? Maybe it's very bad? Is this wrong? That somebody is connecting with me like this? It goes on for hours, usually at the same time, on the same week night. It ends in huge heart flutterings and energy. ...

Last night I felt more specific sensations than ever... well, I did once before, it's just now I want to share and ask for advice and thoughts. Last night I literally felt the warmth of a hand on my leg, all the sexual arousal through several positions, and then a long-time sexually-centered column of fullness that eventually came to feel nauseuating... followed by the warmth of a hand at the back of my neck like laying me down... with a smile and the spoken "good"... then about an hour and a half later, the thundering heart conclusion...

Could I have agreed for someone to be sapping my energy? Or building it? Or training me? I was sitting at my computer throughout typing up a grant proposal and meanwhile all this is going on... I'm concerned because how I feel today, after all that energy - is NOT the same after I do chat workshops with Mystress. After these chat workshops I feel connected, empowered to manifest my own life, clear in mind, confident and trusting. After these sex sessions I feel doubtful, needy-connected, obsessively going over and over the events wondering how-why-what, like crying a little because I just feel so out of control, so out of being able to say no...

On the one hand I say "wow, that's great, how elevated and refined I must be becoming"... "amazing, that I know these experiences now, that I have had spiritual sex and orgasam..."... "I should be thankful, not griping"... on the other hand.... ... something's off.

Any advice? Sincerely, Sandra

  Sandra:

 Why are you so certain that the experience is coming from another person? The Divine Beloved often first manifests in just such a manner. The schedule is definitely odd behavior, but it may have hidden meaning. The discomfort can be assigned to the karmic issues being brought up to be released. Feeling really helpless is also learning surrender, and humility.

 To reassure you: the guardian angels of women are different than those of men, they are more empowered to defend your boundaries, so indeed nobody but the DB can use you in such a way without your consent. Ask your Guardian angel to not allow this experience to continue unless it is truly coming from Goddess within you, by Her will. Kundalini at work.
 Then, if it continues, enjoy it!

 You know, I have tried many times and many ways to explain that the Sacred Marriage to the Divine Beloved that is this Tantra, can indeed be physicaly consummated so completely that if you keep your eyes closed you cannot tell it is not a physical, human lover... except that it would be hard to find a human lover so skilled!
People don't beleive me until they experience it, for themselves...

: I've been wrestling all day with who to talk to about this. I hope there's someone here who can share some wisdom... help me calm my anxieties, and put them in perspective... Last night I feel like I participated in psychic sex, or sex magick. Occasionally I get visual glimpses, sometimes I hear words spoken - mostly I feel the energy.

: I'm writing because I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I must have agreed to this for it to happen (and that's shameful, or not?).. Maybe it's cause for celebration? Maybe it's very bad? Is this wrong? That somebody is connecting with me like this? It goes on for hours, usually at the same time, on the same week night. It ends in huge heart flutterings and energy. ...

: Last night I felt more specific sensations than ever... well, I did once before, it's just now I want to share and ask for advice and thoughts. Last night I literally felt the warmth of a hand on my leg, all the sexual arousal through several positions, and then a long-time sexually-centered column of fullness that eventually came to feel nauseuating... followed by the warmth of a hand at the back of my neck like laying me down... with a smile and the spoken "good"... then about an hour and a half later, the thundering heart conclusion...

: Could I have agreed for someone to be sapping my energy? Or building it? Or training me? I was sitting at my computer throughout typing up a grant proposal and meanwhile all this is going on... I'm concerned because how I feel today, after all that energy - is NOT the same after I do chat workshops with Mystress. After these chat workshops I feel connected, empowered to manifest my own life, clear in mind, confident and trusting. After these sex sessions I feel doubtful, needy-connected, obsessively going over and over the events wondering how-why-what, like crying a little because I just feel so out of control, so out of being able to say no...

: On the one hand I say "wow, that's great, how elevated and refined I must be becoming"... "amazing, that I know these experiences now, that I have had spiritual sex and orgasam..."... "I should be thankful, not griping"... on the other hand.... ... something's off.

: Any advice? Sincerely, Sandra

:   Why are you so certain that the experience is coming from another person?

When I examine my certainty (and I have at times before), I feel like attributing these experiences to another person is potentially the SOURCE of my confusion and upset. I%rsquom attracted to the folks who joyfully claim & write about their ongoing orgasmic Divine lovers. This attraction in me I do recognize as that kind of attraction like %ldquoooooh, there%rsquos something in me I%rsquove been missing, something I would like to love, embrace, and integrate again%rdquo%hellip

It's just _so_ outrageous and over the top for me to believe or even consider it is me, that it is my Divine Beloved, my own merging. I absolutely do not want to %lsquoget it%rsquo that I%rsquom this beautiful, and worthy, and such a vessel, and receptive... So obviously karmic issues%hellip. and I%rsquom not sitting easy with it all at all%hellip

:   To reassure you: the guardian angels of women are different than those of men, they are more empowered to defend your boundaries, so indeed nobody but the DB can use you in such a way without your consent. Ask your Guardian angel to not allow this experience to continue unless it is truly coming from Goddess within you, by Her will. Kundalini at work.  Then, if it continues, enjoy it!

Thank you for the reassurance. I keep thinking how the sexual energy of women is like trying to pour 10-lbs into the 1-lb of men %ndash and how I%rsquom sure there%rsquos plenty of me to share%hellip *ick* I don%rsquot know what else I can do except as you say, to continue to build and exercise my faith muscle in my GA%hellip Now though I can visualize a super-charged deity who%rsquos all sorts of creative and empowered%hellip =)

A few weeks ago, again on the same night %ndash I went to bed early before the %lsquosignal%rsquo %ndash so I could investigate more in a lucid way. I saw me approaching a white house (and the person I%rsquom attributing this to has a white house). I was walking to it sure as anything, in white robish clothing%hellip I had fully set dream intention and I remembered just in time. I stopped walking and declared %ldquoFor as Goddess wills it, Goddess wills my steps, Goddess wills this scene%rdquo. Immediately a cloud came rushing in before me, both I and the house were separated%hellip Moments later I felt a %lsquohit%rsquo on my throat chakra%hellip While I fell asleep, happy and comforted, held in faith - in the morning, I awoke to the sex%ndash it had connected, and the %lsquoritual%rsquo was mid-way, and I felt REALLY dumb, helpless, and used.

:   The Divine Beloved often first manifests in just such a manner. The schedule is definitely odd behavior, but it may have hidden meaning. The discomfort can be assigned to the karmic issues being brought up to be released. Feeling really helpless is also learning surrender, and humility.

I%rsquove heard dual or polyfocual sex magick can be performed with an affirmation or intention, i.e. making the magic. As I%rsquom typing this, I%rsquom wondering if I can help my surrendering by declaring some intention%hellip The next time it happens if I%rsquom 100% focused on getting out of the way, grounding, as Goddess wills it, and some intention %ndash then maybe the experience might go differently? This most recent time I did try to assist %ndash and I really feel like there was a human connection to my throat chakra, that there was a mutual sound being shared of enjoyment%hellip. *ugh!* If it%rsquos all me & DB, then heck Sandra, just go with the flow!!!! I feel the fool for having such an ego-mind. I know these circles I%rsquom spinning are hell.

:   You know, I have tried many times and many ways to explain that the Sacred Marriage to the Divine Beloved that is this Tantra, can indeed be physically consummated so completely that if you keep your eyes closed you cannot tell it is not a physical, human lover... except that it would be hard to find a human lover so skilled!
:  People don't believe me until they experience it, for themselves...

I testify to this%hellip *rolling eyes* %hellip That I%rsquom struggling with it doesn%rsquot take anything away from the actual consummation%hellip In fact, both seem separate %ndash like my discomfort is truly of my own making and not of these events..

Dang it. I%rsquom talking myself out of blaming someone else%hellip

: :   Why are you so certain that the experience is coming from another person?

: When I examine my certainty (and I have at times before), I feel like attributing these experiences to another person is potentially the SOURCE of my confusion and upset.

Yes, that is how it appears, to me. In manifesting in this way, the DB is bringing up a ton of issues to be cleared.

: I%rsquom attracted to the folks who joyfully claim & write about their ongoing orgasmic Divine lovers. This attraction in me I do recognize as that kind of attraction like %ldquoooooh, there%rsquos something in me I%rsquove been missing, something I would like to love, embrace, and integrate again%rdquo%hellip

: It's just _so_ outrageous and over the top for me to believe or even consider it is me, that it is my Divine Beloved, my own merging.

Yet it is not outrageous for you to believe that some unknown person of power is so attracted to you that they would do a weekly ritual of seduction?
 I have encountered men and women who are always going on about how people they meet are so hot for them, and usually it is a cover or salve for their own feelings of inadequacy, insecurity. Often the truth is quite different. On the other hand, people who really are quite universally desirable seldom speak of it.

 Now I have that silly song "I'm too sexy" by "Right Said Fred" running through my head. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, o how it hurts."  MY DB is a jukebox..

: I absolutely do not want to %lsquoget it%rsquo that I%rsquom this beautiful, and worthy, and such a vessel, and receptive... So obviously karmic issues%hellip. and I%rsquom not sitting easy with it all at all%hellip

: :   To reassure you: the guardian angels of women are different than those of men, they are more empowered to defend your boundaries, so indeed nobody but the DB can use you in such a way without your consent. Ask your Guardian angel to not allow this experience to continue unless it is truly coming from Goddess within you, by Her will. Kundalini at work.  Then, if it continues, enjoy it!

: Thank you for the reassurance. I keep thinking how the sexual energy of women is like trying to pour 10-lbs into the 1-lb of men %ndash and how I%rsquom sure there%rsquos plenty of me to share%hellip *ick* I don%rsquot know what else I can do except as you say, to continue to build and exercise my faith muscle in my GA%hellip Now though I can visualize a super-charged deity who%rsquos all sorts of creative and empowered%hellip =)

: A few weeks ago, again on the same night %ndash I went to bed early before the %lsquosignal%rsquo %ndash so I could investigate more in a lucid way. I saw me approaching a white house (and the person I%rsquom attributing this to has a white house). I was walking to it sure as anything, in white robish clothing%hellip I had fully set dream intention and I remembered just in time. I stopped walking and declared %ldquoFor as Goddess wills it, Goddess wills my steps, Goddess wills this scene%rdquo. Immediately a cloud came rushing in before me, both I and the house were separated%hellip Moments later I felt a %lsquohit%rsquo on my throat chakra%hellip While I fell asleep, happy and comforted, held in faith - in the morning, I awoke to the sex%ndash it had connected, and the %lsquoritual%rsquo was mid-way, and I felt REALLY dumb, helpless, and used.

: :   The Divine Beloved often first manifests in just such a manner. The schedule is definitely odd behavior, but it may have hidden meaning. The discomfort can be assigned to the karmic issues being brought up to be released. Feeling really helpless is also learning surrender, and humility.

: I%rsquove heard dual or polyfocual sex magick can be performed with an affirmation or intention, i.e. making the magic. As I%rsquom typing this, I%rsquom wondering if I can help my surrendering by declaring some intention%hellip The next time it happens if I%rsquom 100% focused on getting out of the way, grounding, as Goddess wills it, and some intention %ndash then maybe the experience might go differently? This most recent time I did try to assist %ndash and I really feel like there was a human connection to my throat chakra, that there was a mutual sound being shared of enjoyment%hellip. *ugh!* If it%rsquos all me & DB, then heck Sandra, just go with the flow!!!! I feel the fool for having such an ego-mind. I know these circles I%rsquom spinning are hell.

: :   You know, I have tried many times and many ways to explain that the Sacred Marriage to the Divine Beloved that is this Tantra, can indeed be physically consummated so completely that if you keep your eyes closed you cannot tell it is not a physical, human lover... except that it would be hard to find a human lover so skilled!
: :  People don't believe me until they experience it, for themselves...

: I testify to this%hellip *rolling eyes* %hellip That I%rsquom struggling with it doesn%rsquot take anything away from the actual consummation%hellip In fact, both seem separate %ndash like my discomfort is truly of my own making and not of these events..

Yup.

: Dang it. I%rsquom talking myself out of blaming someone else%hellip

Good!

 Now I have that silly song "I'm too sexy" by "Right Said Fred" running through my head. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, o how it hurts."  MY DB is a jukebox..

Heheh... I have to say I'm excited for the next time. --Sandra