Healing open wounds

[Tuomas]

Hhmmm.... I dont really know where to start. I feel totally taken over by my darkness and I think I'm doing this cycle where I first find an honest state of being(after an "I'm so fucked up" crisis), but then slowly start follow the voice of my ego and then find my self being layered by all these really false perceptions of self esteem. Also as these perceptions build up so does my disrespect, hate and sourness. While this is happening I see many of the things and get bothered by it all. It causes me to be in this kind of eternal process where I feel bad about my self and can not just let go to enjoy life. I'm always herrased by karma spewing all over me after which the shadow takes over and I feel so weak under it all. Where the fuck is my p ???wer?? How can I ever get to be me in this body without being so damn open wounded?? 

I really opened up my shadow and the shadow of the world in my youth through taking a lot of psychedelics and I've being really sensitive anyway all my life. I had this problem before, but I think it just magnefied it.  When I joined FST I felt a huge releave in this. Not sure though how well I was in my body though then and now I think my lower chakras are opening up.

I feel the core problem to be the feeling of my self to be totally worthless, separate and disgusting. How to change that? Or how to change that piece by peace and not be so infected by it and open to it all the time??

All advise is very very welcome!!  Would a tummo session be good for this??

[DaveP]

Hi Tuomas,

Sounds good to me...all part of the process . Through suffering you get to know your self deceptions, ego's tricks to carry on the cycle of discontent. Your power is in surrender, and being in the state of gratitude for the discomfort. Be grateful....here's a quote from the power chakra pages from K-primer.

The power chakra is fed by the energy of gratitude, which is a powerful kind of surrender. Gratitude is the opposite of fear and resistance. The heart opens to love, the power chakra responds to gratitude. Most karmic stuff will transmute as soon as you can manage to be genuinely grateful for it. Count your blessings, feed your power chakra.

I feel the core problem to be the feeling of my self to be totally worthless, separate and disgusting. How to change that? Or how to change that piece by peace and not be so infected by it and open to it all the time??

Change the world by changing yourself...again surrender your feelings of worthlessness, separation and disgust...all ego tricks for a feed. (ego will feed on good or bad experiences). 'what ever you surrender comes back better'. If you feel worthless the world will mirror your worthless back at you...your energy is bounced back and it gets worse...you just got to take a leap of faith and trust in Goddess.

Namaste!

Dave

[Mystress]

  Tuomas:

   how about working on your patience ? "  Karma has layers. You did not create it overnight and you are not likely to release it all in a day, or a month.

   Stay grounded, focus on your discernment. See the world though the eyes of your heart.  You cannot get into a really negative state when you are grounded, and if you are listening to your discernment your power chakra will give you a signal when ego first starts rearing its head.

   Be patient with yourself. Blessings...

   

[juergen]

Hi Tuomas,

I think the illusion of the wytya, that was created is reality as well; it may be a pathway secure enough to carry you back since it was secure enough to lead  and support you where you are. So I don't think that ego crap needs to be condemned that harsh as many religions do.
Then the karma that overwhelms you, where does it come from, how do blue devils work?
cheers, Juergen

[Tuomas]

Hey thanks for the answers! 

Dave!  Just before I read you reply I felt strong emotions of where I felt I had being given a fucked up life and felt hate at every part of my it. Could say some gratitude would not do me harm I am actually very fortunate in my life, but I hardly ever feel it.

And mystress, I watched Shawshank redempition straigh after I posted yesterday. If you have'nt seen it, this is where a guy who makes a tunnel to escape from jail for 19 years with a small pick. And during that time he's in there had to go through so many hard things. That's got something to do with patience I think    After finishing the tunnel and crawling through it he still had to crawl through two football fields of a sewerage full of the prisoners shit until he was free. Nice symbology!   

After reading you post a few times Juergen, I might have for the fist time maybe understood where your coming from.    Sorry I have a hard time understanding your perspective often 

Tuomas

[juergen]

After reading you post a few times Juergen, I might have for the fist time maybe understood where your coming from.     Sorry I have a hard time understanding your perspective often 

Lol, but this time You are giving me the riddle(back )
Where am I coming from?
Juergen

[DaveP]

Could say some gratitude would not do me harm  I am actually very fortunate in my life, but I hardly ever feel it.

That would help, but what I really meant was on a deeper level...quote from Mystress again:

Apply gratitude to any problem, no matter what kind, and your perceptions about the problem will change: you will begin to get deeper insights into the situation that you cannot possibly see when you are stuck in resistance to what Is. Don't worry, be happy.. Count your blessings, and your whole life can turn to bliss.

Hope this helps...

[juergen]

Tuomas, just a hint that my question is resolved; looked it up, "coming from" is obviously relating to my perspective not the person, I falsely understood. Hope this clarifies, Jue...

[juergen]

Dave, may I just add that aberrations make great taxi drivers, with Mystress's maxime, getting them to know each stone in their village, investing in loss lol, Jue..