Hello Everyone

[aaronas]

Hello Everyone,
I just joined Mystress' Fire Serpent Tantra course 2 days ago and now I am introducting myself.

My name is Aaron.

If you are sub'ed to the Kundalist you may know about me.

I've been a member off and on for 6 years.

Mostly a troll.

I recently learned the definition of a Troll is one who makes posts to a list exclusively to insight emotional upheavals.

Yes that was definitely me.

Hopefully in the future that is not the case.

I doubt it will be the case here. I think my Trolling days are over.

[edward]

Welcome Aaron.

If that is the definition of a Troll, then I'm definitely a Troll also. haha   



Edward

[juergen]

Welcome Aaron.

If that is the definition of a Troll, then I'm definitely a Troll also. haha   Grin



Edward

good to know!
(hahaha)

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, an open minded guy, never a troll
Circe is my witness!

juergen

[Mystress]

  Welcome Aaron:

  Post your K-list post and my response to it here, if you wish. Many people are not members of both groups.  Blessings...

[aaronas]

Which K-list post might you be referring to Mystress?

[aaronas]

Here's the last post I made to the K-list that got me in trouble:



From:     kundalist-bounces@kundalini-gateway.org on behalf of Aaron Scott (aaronscott115@hotmail.com)
Sent:    Sat 8/09/08 5:42 PM
To:    kundalist@kundalini-gateway.org


When Elisen cuts my head off again I will truly feel loved




Hahaha, I love it (well.. looking back it's rather embarrassing) I reveal my deeply personal affliction with the list no holds barred.

I'm am learning to love the moniker of the troll.

Maybe they are shimmering kaleidoscopic magical beings.

I don't blame myself for this one, not a tad. I had to do it. And if it's any consolation, I got it back 10 fold a few days later from a woman. And I didn't hold it against her either! not a tad!

 

[aaronas]

This was my second post and Mystress' response to it:

Re: [K-list] Kundalist‏
From:    kundalist-bounces@kundalini-gateway.org on behalf of Mystress Angelique Serpent (Mystress@fire-serpent.com)
Sent:    Sun 8/10/08 11:04 PM
To:    kundalist@kundalini-gateway.org

   Aaron: you are abusing the list and you do know it. Enough with
the unsnipped two line posts that would be better sent privately.

At 11:48 PM 09/08/2008, Aaron Scott wrote:
>please excuse my self glorified narcisissm, i just love to express
>it that way, don't attatch to it if it does not bother you, it's
>just me being playful

[aaronas]

Almost every interaction with Mystress I have is her beating me with a baton.

I can only hope she doesn't one day decides to get tired of me and ignore me altogether.

Here is Mystress' post and 'leg up' that helped dig me out of the darkness I was in...

This was a good one.

I only picked and choosed the pieces of it that were of help to me. Like picking fruit from a tree. Except in this case the branch was extended so that I could pull myself out of some very deep muck. After shrugging myself off, doing some non-judgemental Reiki, (if that's what it is) I promptly smashed the list with my own baton. (see above)

My only fear is that I will one day dig myself into a pit and no one will want to save me knowing the kinds of things I do when I'm manic.

Maybe I am finding the middle path. Maybe maybe maybe.



At 09:37 AM 02/08/2008, Aaron Scott wrote:

>I tried contacting Mystress but perhaps she is either doesn't know what
>to do, doesn't feel inclined or obligated to help, or perhaps has
>simply had enough of me and maybe washes her hands.

   None of the above. Did not realize it was you. Retired from public session work a year ago, only work with my students now. Trained some
folks to take over the public stuff, Gustaf and Sigmund are two of my Lineage.

   I just sorted by name and read all of your posts to the list.
Seems like you spent a lot of posts in 2007 trying to get my
attention but most of them I had never seen before. Funny how that
works.  If you were sincere you would have read my websites and
diagnosed your own problem easily enough, without falling into this
particular personal hell...

   Ho hum, another overwhelmed empath gone down the
paranoid-catatonic-not motivated enough to be suicidal road. I really
ought to write a book, a manual for you types.

   OK so that was the snacking, here is the feedback:

   Aaron, you have been an idiot. From the Reiki to the 3rd Reich
idiot. I will validate you on that aspect of your self assessment.
This drama queen blood of penance thing or whatever, that is all your
own idea. The Divine does not give a shit about that sort of mental
masturbation, nor is it a particularly interesting masochistic
outlet. Everything is already forgiven, always as soon as you ask.

   You know you are empathic and sensitive, so do you turn inward?
No, you hang out a shingle as a healer while projecting your
judgments about how the world sucks.  Ever heard of karmic feedback?
No? Well, you are having an experience of the results to motivate you
to smarten up.

   Karmic crap in the body is not mysterious, it has form and shape,
you can see it as shadows especially if you are grounded. Look for
where the light, is not and you are seeing the blockages. The more of
them you have, the harder life is with bad luck and no energy. The
fewer there are, the more you are enlightened and life has ease and flow.

    Cleansing the lenses of perception is as simple as good energy
hygiene and without it you fall from grace with some psychosis or
another where an attachment starts a logjam in the flow of your
Shakti and you get enlightenment in reverse as the lenses cloud over again.

   You can feel the karma stuff in your body as areas of tension,
sore spots and places that feel heavy or numb. That is why hatha yoga
stretches are so effective: release the tension, release the karma
and increase life flow and vitality.

   Think of a cat: they do yoga many times a day, stretching out
their muscles. The result is they are very strong for their size and
can go from a dead sleep to a pounce in an instant. Even fat cats
stay in shape.

   If you pet a cat, its muscles are so relaxed you can slide them
aside with your thumb to touch the bone through the skin without
hurting the cat at all. Try doing that with your own thigh and
discover how much tension you are carrying. My physio was astonished
that she could almost get her fingers to meet behind my shin bone.

   You can feel karma stress in your body (or the lack of it in my
case) with your fingers, if you massage yourself.  A warm bath, a
good bar of soap and strong fingers working the knots out, releasing
the karma into the water then bless it and pull the plug. Where the
knots are gone, circulation returns, edema disappears, life force
flows again and there is vitality.

   Imagine reaching into yourself and pulling the gunk out of you.
Hand it over to the Faeries or put it on a platter and offer it to
Kali for lunch.

   Honestly, that is the whole Kundalini process. Kali eyeing the
buffet of karma that is you and Shakti poking it and pointing at it
and pushing it into your consciousness until you let the Goddess have
her way and serve it up.

   Kali's waiter as She eats your guts with fava beans and a nice
chianti until the whole buffet of limiting beliefs you call a
personal identity  is cleared and you are reborn a buddha. Along the
way the lenses of perception get a scrub and reveal insights and new
realities.

    Hopefully, the process happens slowly enough that by the time you
jump the fence you have had time to get in the habit of not attaching
to anything and abiding in a state of peace.

   Because if you attach to something it forms a blockage in your
energy field and you start to grow a new ego identity around
that.  The problem is, the original ego is usually a fairly stable
construct, being built over a lifetime but psychosis egos built on an
unwise attachment are not stable or usually even sane. they are just
a separation, a fall from grace but with the new power of your
thoughts behind it to warp your reality like a funhouse mirror.

    There is a simple safety in the silent mind of the Zen master,
because when you realize how powerful your thoughts are, in shaping
your reality you also realize you are better off not thinking too
much!! Just watch yourself breathe...

  Sometimes people fall so far from grace they cannot even begin to
remember where they used to be.  Insights are actually forgotten as
the chakra petals close and take their wisdom.

   So Aarron, you did not even know how to keep your energy clean
and  avoid the bipolar swings and you wanna be somebodys
savior?  Here is the clue stick, my arm is getting tired.

   Then if that were not enough, you go snacking on the nazi
skinheads? mmmmmm tasty hatred and paranoia...if you can stomach it.
You choked.

   No, you are not irretrievably damaged by pot or anything else. You
have just taken on so much karma crap that you barely have a trickle
of life force left squeezing through... not what you would call
vitality.  All ya have to do is spend some time taking out the
garbage to get your life back.

   Every day, if you are healthy, you eat and you shit. You forgot
how. Eat but do not shit, you end up all bloated and poisoned. Blech.
That is how it feels eh?

   You want to know *how* to let it go, how does not matter!
Willingness, matters!!

   Send it into a candle flame, give it to Mickey Mouse, turn it over
to your own infinite self even if it completely seems like a one way
conversation.  Write it out and burn the paper, make finger paintings
of how it feels.  Does not matter. The important thing is the intent
to let it go, Goddess is always listening. All Kundalini wants is
your consent to let go of your shit.. but you are trying to get off
on the kink of it and busy guilt tripping yourself instead of letting it go.

   Ya know, these critical internal parent voices, it is important to
remember that you created them yourself because as a child you
thought you needed one to keep you in line. A child's conscience, or
sense of right and wrong is partly cultural, it grows over time and
is uncertain in earlier years so in order to earn the "good boy"
reward a substitute parental conscience is created in the mind. The
critical God-parent figure.   This splinter keeps on doing its job
long after we have outgrown any need for it, and long forgotten
having ever created it.

   If you remember that the voice is actually, your child.. your
creation then you can mod it and in your mind give it the body of
something silly, like Elmer Fudd or a bad tempered 4 year
old.  Something you want to love and hug but cannot take seriously at
all. Make friends with it, then give it a gold watch and tell it the
retirement party is in the Light. Let Goddess heal the split and re
integrate the energy.

   Karma is made of fear. The paranoia comes when the karma is trying
to escape you but you obsess over it instead of breathing through it
and that is big fat resistance. If you obsess over it then you invent
reasons for it and those grow into a crazy messed up new ego reality
tunnel where that belief is reflected back to you every where you
turn... and you are right, at that place you need to send up a flare
coz snapping out of it on your own is almost impossible.

   OK, so lets give you a leg up.

  Goddess take from Aaron any energies he took on from someone else,
no matter how long he has held them, and give that stuff back to the
owner in whatever way, shape, form or time as You know best. Thank you.

   Say "yes thank you" and take a deep breath while feeling your
feet. Read it over and do it several times... over the next few days
coz you have layers of mud on ya. All those judgmental projections
and the hero trip got you good and slimed, that is what happens if
you give energy to those sort of limiting beliefs.

   Goddess, your infinite self won't accept stolen property.. the
karma crap, but She will handle deliveries and transmute the stuff
along the way. What shape it takes on the other end, or when it lands
is none of your business.  Goddess has it handled.

   The world is fine Aaron, it is your perception of it that is
messed up. So get to work cleaning that lens until you see beauty
again. Stay off the gansta rap and spend more time smelling the roses.

   Your thoughts have power to shape your reality and it is time to
learn to be a whole lot more discerning about what you give your
attention to, and your power of belief.  Guilt and self pity do not serve you.

    Blessings...

[juergen]

When Elisen cuts my head off again I will truly feel loved

Great one!
If you got it tenfold back, that can be only greater

cheers, Juergen

[Jennifer]

Aaron, I do believe, that if you really wanted Mystress to give up on you and ignore you then you would not be posting here.  What I think--and this is just my personal opinion--is that you are cruisin for a bruisin.  Maybe on some level you feel you need some good ass whuppins.  But, I dunno, I want to tell you please just be honest and respectful about it, okay?  Because Mystress works hard for all of us, giving a lot of energy to her students, and you can see from her posts that in the past this has at times personally depleted her. It is effort and energy for her to whup someones ass, and yeah, I totally agree with her that it would be respectful to go back through her sites and read all of the information and take some time to self study what is in there.  I tell you this not to be critical or whatever but because you are expressing an interest in your self growth and that's what I would recommend to grow as efficiently and effectively as possible.  I hear you expressing personal pain and also a desire for attention and I feel great compassion for that having been in a similar space myself before.  However, if those desires  and expressions of pain are unmoderated and unrestrained it tends to splatter all over those of us in the group and I feel this could create a dynamic where you are not receiving the support you crave.  Aaron, you are among friends here, and trolling--or even a trolling-like mindset-- isn't friendly.  It's demanding and intrusive and creates antipathy.   Treating others with respect and kindness, with thought for their point of view, will create a situation where others want to support you in your efforts.  I'd encourage you to treat this space, and also K-list, as you would a valued old friend: with respect and kindness and thoughtfulness.  Sure, it's interesting to shake things up / be bad / get a jolt, done it many times myself.  But other people lose patience with that real fast, and if what you seek is a space where you can relate to others, well that kind of jolt behavior usually just fosters alienation. 
I am really glad that Mystress' posts have helped you dig yourself out of your darkness as you say.  She has a way of doing that.  But....you say you hope she gives up on you, and I'm calling you on that.  I don't believe you!    I'd like to hear you say what you really want, from deep within your heart.
In friendship,
Jennifer

[juergen]

Now Jen, i appreciate Your dynamite, but i'm not shure, if there is a misunderstanding:

It's not the case that Aaron made an actual post and Mystress gave a recent answer!
This is old stuff, and Mystress asked him to repost it. Maybe this puts it in a different light?

cheers,
Juergen

[aaronas]

  But....you say you hope she gives up on you, and I'm calling you on that.  I don't believe you! 
I did not mean to say that, it was a typo, sorry. I meant to say the opposite.