Edge of sanity

[Tommy]

I apologize for this korny post, but i just had the most scary and yet the most profound spiritual experience of my life. I cannot fully grasp it or find words to describe it fully.. but here it goes.

For years i have felt a deep inner calling for "the himalayas". I have tried to talk myself out of it, and make a more reasonable reasonable choice in life.. maybe become a schoolteacher, but the calling has intensified. My main reason for talking myself out of going to my "guru", is a feeling of being utterly unprepared.. and not fit to recieve the gift being offered.

Some weeks ago i descided to answer the calling.. if it turns out that i am utterly unprepared for awakening, so be it.

Yesterday when i came home from work something wierd happened. I looked at a picture of the Himalayas, and experienced a major shift in my awareness. It felt like a freight-train of energy rushing through me.. shooting me into "supra-consciousness".

It was like the lit being lifted.. that had held all my illusions in place. The force of this supra-consciousness was so strong that i could not hold unto myself.

I thought i was a pretty balanced individual.. pretty relaxed. I was shocked to see my consciousness through higher awareness. Layers upon layers of tension!! layers of madness. I could feel my karmic circles, my blockages, closed chakras, stored cellular memories, my fathers dna, my grandfathers.

The experience "scared" me, and at the same time i felt no fear. I looked for some unconsciousness to dissapear into.. and hide (myself) in, but there was no place to hide from this force.

It felt like going completely insane. I experienced the extend of my madness.. and prepared myself for losing my mind. It shook the foundation of my "ego" and not so many things in my consciousness has been build on rock.

"some voice of intuition" guided me to let the force burn away gunk from my consciousness. I was like riding a wave of consciousness. I would enter a pattern in my mind, experience the effects on my body and my energy field.. being completely lost in it for a while, untill the force of awakening shone trough. It was so wierd, i had the experience of being crazy. That my experience was crazy, my belief in "God" was crazy, the people of my everyday life was crazy. Mystress was crazy. I tried to do the grounding excersise, but it made the experience stronger. I could not find any reason in my mind to validate my sanity. Only half-truths, illusions, childish beliefs.. all seemed like madness when thrown into "supra-consciousness". The sounds of my mind was so intense.. like all my energetic patterns having a voice and expression, i could hear them all talking at once. There was an edge or border in my mind.. a frontier between my mind and the higher mind.. the noise comming from the friction between these 2 was ear-defening.

I could feel "God-consciousness", but my mad mind could find no rest in it.. imagining people entering and living in this consciousness seemed impossible to grasp.

I fell in and out of consciousness for about 2½ hours.. before finding myself sitting in my livingroom. I went to bed and slept for 5 hours.. now i write this.. a bit startled to find my daily self again. I do not feel insane at this point, my reason tells me it was a full kundalini-rise.. not that it matters really.. i just need to give this experience a form to relate to.

boy!! do i feel utterly unprepared to start this journey of really knowing my true self.. and not just dream about knowing it. And yet i feel a bit more prepared.

Now i experience peace, not a deep peace.. more like the silence after a storm.

i feel the effects and silence of this cleansing.. yet i have an emotion, i cannot tell if it is awe or a state of shock.

Thanks for listening, i wish i had more accurate words or clarity to share this experience.

[Iris]

The spaces behind your posting are amazing. Feels like the real stuff.
Thanks so much for sharing the experience.

Iris

: I apologize for this korny post, but i just had the most scary and yet the most profound spiritual experience of my life. I cannot fully grasp it or find words to describe it fully.. but here it goes.

: For years i have felt a deep inner calling for "the himalayas". I have tried to talk myself out of it, and make a more reasonable reasonable choice in life.. maybe become a schoolteacher, but the calling has intensified. My main reason for talking myself out of going to my "guru", is a feeling of being utterly unprepared.. and not fit to recieve the gift being offered.

: Some weeks ago i descided to answer the calling.. if it turns out that i am utterly unprepared for awakening, so be it.

: Yesterday when i came home from work something wierd happened. I looked at a picture of the Himalayas, and experienced a major shift in my awareness. It felt like a freight-train of energy rushing through me.. shooting me into "supra-consciousness".

: It was like the lit being lifted.. that had held all my illusions in place. The force of this supra-consciousness was so strong that i could not hold unto myself.

: I thought i was a pretty balanced individual.. pretty relaxed. I was shocked to see my consciousness through higher awareness. Layers upon layers of tension!! layers of madness. I could feel my karmic circles, my blockages, closed chakras, stored cellular memories, my fathers dna, my grandfathers.

: The experience "scared" me, and at the same time i felt no fear. I looked for some unconsciousness to dissapear into.. and hide (myself) in, but there was no place to hide from this force.

: It felt like going completely insane. I experienced the extend of my madness.. and prepared myself for losing my mind. It shook the foundation of my "ego" and not so many things in my consciousness has been build on rock.

: "some voice of intuition" guided me to let the force burn away gunk from my consciousness. I was like riding a wave of consciousness. I would enter a pattern in my mind, experience the effects on my body and my energy field.. being completely lost in it for a while, untill the force of awakening shone trough. It was so wierd, i had the experience of being crazy. That my experience was crazy, my belief in "God" was crazy, the people of my everyday life was crazy. Mystress was crazy. I tried to do the grounding excersise, but it made the experience stronger. I could not find any reason in my mind to validate my sanity. Only half-truths, illusions, childish beliefs.. all seemed like madness when thrown into "supra-consciousness". The sounds of my mind was so intense.. like all my energetic patterns having a voice and expression, i could hear them all talking at once. There was an edge or border in my mind.. a frontier between my mind and the higher mind.. the noise comming from the friction between these 2 was ear-defening.

: I could feel "God-consciousness", but my mad mind could find no rest in it.. imagining people entering and living in this consciousness seemed impossible to grasp.

:
: I fell in and out of consciousness for about 2½ hours.. before finding myself sitting in my livingroom. I went to bed and slept for 5 hours.. now i write this.. a bit startled to find my daily self again. I do not feel insane at this point, my reason tells me it was a full kundalini-rise.. not that it matters really.. i just need to give this experience a form to relate to.

: boy!! do i feel utterly unprepared to start this journey of really knowing my true self.. and not just dream about knowing it. And yet i feel a bit more prepared.

: Now i experience peace, not a deep peace.. more like the silence after a storm.

: i feel the effects and silence of this cleansing.. yet i have an emotion, i cannot tell if it is awe or a state of shock.

: Thanks for listening, i wish i had more accurate words or clarity to share this experience.

[Mystress]

  Hello, Tommy:

  I recognise your experience, and you have described it beautifully! No apologies needed, thank you for sharing it.

I felt you, on a cusp,... you showed up in my mind, asking some questions ... about your destiny? Don't recall the details, only that I said "Go for it!"... I guess you did! I remember something about sharing my own impression, spiritually gifted guy working in a factory...? Seems like a waste of talent.  No wonder you have felt angry and impatient sometimes.

 After an experience like this, if you can ride it out, as you did... you actually end up more sane than before, and with a realization that your previous self, was a little crazy.

 Beautiful! Blessings...

: I apologize for this korny post, but i just had the most scary and yet the most profound spiritual experience of my life. I cannot fully grasp it or find words to describe it fully.. but here it goes.

: For years i have felt a deep inner calling for "the himalayas". I have tried to talk myself out of it, and make a more reasonable reasonable choice in life.. maybe become a schoolteacher, but the calling has intensified. My main reason for talking myself out of going to my "guru", is a feeling of being utterly unprepared.. and not fit to recieve the gift being offered.

: Some weeks ago i descided to answer the calling.. if it turns out that i am utterly unprepared for awakening, so be it.

: Yesterday when i came home from work something wierd happened. I looked at a picture of the Himalayas, and experienced a major shift in my awareness. It felt like a freight-train of energy rushing through me.. shooting me into "supra-consciousness".

: It was like the lit being lifted.. that had held all my illusions in place. The force of this supra-consciousness was so strong that i could not hold unto myself.

: I thought i was a pretty balanced individual.. pretty relaxed. I was shocked to see my consciousness through higher awareness. Layers upon layers of tension!! layers of madness. I could feel my karmic circles, my blockages, closed chakras, stored cellular memories, my fathers dna, my grandfathers.

: The experience "scared" me, and at the same time i felt no fear. I looked for some unconsciousness to dissapear into.. and hide (myself) in, but there was no place to hide from this force.

: It felt like going completely insane. I experienced the extend of my madness.. and prepared myself for losing my mind. It shook the foundation of my "ego" and not so many things in my consciousness has been build on rock.

: "some voice of intuition" guided me to let the force burn away gunk from my consciousness. I was like riding a wave of consciousness. I would enter a pattern in my mind, experience the effects on my body and my energy field.. being completely lost in it for a while, untill the force of awakening shone trough. It was so wierd, i had the experience of being crazy. That my experience was crazy, my belief in "God" was crazy, the people of my everyday life was crazy. Mystress was crazy. I tried to do the grounding excersise, but it made the experience stronger. I could not find any reason in my mind to validate my sanity. Only half-truths, illusions, childish beliefs.. all seemed like madness when thrown into "supra-consciousness". The sounds of my mind was so intense.. like all my energetic patterns having a voice and expression, i could hear them all talking at once. There was an edge or border in my mind.. a frontier between my mind and the higher mind.. the noise comming from the friction between these 2 was ear-defening.

: I could feel "God-consciousness", but my mad mind could find no rest in it.. imagining people entering and living in this consciousness seemed impossible to grasp.

:
: I fell in and out of consciousness for about 2½ hours.. before finding myself sitting in my livingroom. I went to bed and slept for 5 hours.. now i write this.. a bit startled to find my daily self again. I do not feel insane at this point, my reason tells me it was a full kundalini-rise.. not that it matters really.. i just need to give this experience a form to relate to.

: boy!! do i feel utterly unprepared to start this journey of really knowing my true self.. and not just dream about knowing it. And yet i feel a bit more prepared.

: Now i experience peace, not a deep peace.. more like the silence after a storm.

: i feel the effects and silence of this cleansing.. yet i have an emotion, i cannot tell if it is awe or a state of shock.

: Thanks for listening, i wish i had more accurate words or clarity to share this experience.

[juergen]

Thank You, Tommy for this most insightful report of Yours!
I hope You are learning to align with Your transformation.
I can't tell much about this from experience, at most some vague ideas.
Yes i had a freight train experience at about 35, when i was invited by an elder Lady for dinner at Her home, and shortly afterward She began presenting me prepared illustrated books of sacred Hindu/Tantra nudity.

She had been certainly initiated into magick, however i can't say to what degree, at least She had made it to some charisma; however for some health reasons(thyroid gland,hyper-nervous or the like) i felt not matched to the situation, and backed off under an excuse of unease(which was not untrue), and went downstairs to me(She was the landlady). I lay down and was "offline" for at least 2 Days. I drank some alcohol, masturbated like hell and didn't really get on my feet; most of time i was in an unconscious state of "crazyness", where nothing seemed to be what it was, very strange visions, confusing, lots of sexual content, great helplessness, often with the sensation of becoming crazy, but not to a degree of feeling unconsensual, on the main line this was everything ok with me.
Mrs. v. Kl. must have noticed this somehow, and went to see after me, as She told me a few days later. That She had knocked on my door and rang the bell like mad... how the hell had i been doing?... She conceded that She had an experience to have an intensive effect on others here and there Inspite of Her nearly 70 then.
I kept quite short with my answers however.

Your article inspired lots of thoughts within me, about ego and shadow, right and false, the pain associated with "false"(=enemy). There is a  physical effect, when a whole material of iron becomes magnetized simultaneously by a comparable weak outside force(making innumerable elementary magnets align), of which i think, it corresponds well to Your initialization.
You also made me think of some Kung-fu or other movies, where wisdom appears in the end. Often in the form of a life experienced monk reflecting his days of youth, from a point of distance and humor, where truth is no longer of any kind of shame, pain. I think this is a state we should always turn to, if possible, not only when the bones become brittle

I feel You have opened a big door, and i hope what You find, won't ever scare You back!

with love,

juergen.

: I apologize for this korny post, but i just had the most scary and yet the most profound spiritual experience of my life. I cannot fully grasp it or find words to describe it fully.. but here it goes.

: For years i have felt a deep inner calling for "the himalayas". I have tried to talk myself out of it, and make a more reasonable reasonable choice in life.. maybe become a schoolteacher, but the calling has intensified. My main reason for talking myself out of going to my "guru", is a feeling of being utterly unprepared.. and not fit to recieve the gift being offered.

: Some weeks ago i descided to answer the calling.. if it turns out that i am utterly unprepared for awakening, so be it.

: Yesterday when i came home from work something wierd happened. I looked at a picture of the Himalayas, and experienced a major shift in my awareness. It felt like a freight-train of energy rushing through me.. shooting me into "supra-consciousness".

: It was like the lit being lifted.. that had held all my illusions in place. The force of this supra-consciousness was so strong that i could not hold unto myself.

: I thought i was a pretty balanced individual.. pretty relaxed. I was shocked to see my consciousness through higher awareness. Layers upon layers of tension!! layers of madness. I could feel my karmic circles, my blockages, closed chakras, stored cellular memories, my fathers dna, my grandfathers.

: The experience "scared" me, and at the same time i felt no fear. I looked for some unconsciousness to dissapear into.. and hide (myself) in, but there was no place to hide from this force.

: It felt like going completely insane. I experienced the extend of my madness.. and prepared myself for losing my mind. It shook the foundation of my "ego" and not so many things in my consciousness has been build on rock.

: "some voice of intuition" guided me to let the force burn away gunk from my consciousness. I was like riding a wave of consciousness. I would enter a pattern in my mind, experience the effects on my body and my energy field.. being completely lost in it for a while, untill the force of awakening shone trough. It was so wierd, i had the experience of being crazy. That my experience was crazy, my belief in "God" was crazy, the people of my everyday life was crazy. Mystress was crazy. I tried to do the grounding excersise, but it made the experience stronger. I could not find any reason in my mind to validate my sanity. Only half-truths, illusions, childish beliefs.. all seemed like madness when thrown into "supra-consciousness". The sounds of my mind was so intense.. like all my energetic patterns having a voice and expression, i could hear them all talking at once. There was an edge or border in my mind.. a frontier between my mind and the higher mind.. the noise comming from the friction between these 2 was ear-defening.

: I could feel "God-consciousness", but my mad mind could find no rest in it.. imagining people entering and living in this consciousness seemed impossible to grasp.

:
: I fell in and out of consciousness for about 2½ hours.. before finding myself sitting in my livingroom. I went to bed and slept for 5 hours.. now i write this.. a bit startled to find my daily self again. I do not feel insane at this point, my reason tells me it was a full kundalini-rise.. not that it matters really.. i just need to give this experience a form to relate to.

: boy!! do i feel utterly unprepared to start this journey of really knowing my true self.. and not just dream about knowing it. And yet i feel a bit more prepared.

: Now i experience peace, not a deep peace.. more like the silence after a storm.

: i feel the effects and silence of this cleansing.. yet i have an emotion, i cannot tell if it is awe or a state of shock.

: Thanks for listening, i wish i had more accurate words or clarity to share this experience.