seeking assistance

Pete · Feb 25, 2007, 03:00:02 PM

I%rsquove had a lot of things build up recently%hellipand am having trouble dealing with them/ surrendering them. So, I%rsquom dumping them and everything I identify with/ all the baggage I can clearly see here in the Tea Room.

I push against the face of love.
I push against the space inside
And shove against the time.
I am quickened by this hand of mine.
I feel a tingle up the spine, a breath,
And I am empty and alone.

I desire to be other than myself. I desire to be. I try to run from myself. I know that the idea that I can escape from myself is faulty. I am here and not. I am not content with who I think I am, where I am at, or my circumstances. The persona that I project is not something that I like either. At work, I come across as foul mouthed, dirty, and angry a good bit of the time. I want to be something/ someone great. My job and other things eat up a good deal of my time. I have no t.v. I try to help people and love people, but it seems now to be a way to ingratiate them to me/ put me in a place of power. I%rsquom full of myself. I%rsquom lonely and tired. I don%rsquot treat women properly. I push the weak around because I can. I%rsquove caused myself more pain with my sexuality that I thought possible. I push myself to attain excellence in things so I can lord my excellence over others%hellippiano, culinary arts, crocheting, running, martial arts, knowledge, etc. I%rsquom selfish and arrogant. I keep my family and others who would be friends at a distance because I%rsquom afraid to develop real relationships with them.

These things said, I%rsquom not sure what to live for anymore or what to do. I desire to live, but all of my motivations for everything I%rsquove done/ am doing seem quite impure. I have very little desire to do anything at all. I can feel the webs of ego/karma strung in my body keeping me where I%lsquom at. My body wants to be completely full of light, but I%rsquom in the way. I don%rsquot know how to deal with my job anymore either. The biggest part of my job now is to memorize large blocks of information and keep them in my memory. I used to derive great pleasure from this ability. Not anymore. I have no desire to push useless information into my head and to stay up in my head all day long. It%rsquos really frustrating that I can%rsquot change my job (having signed a contract with the Navy). My fellow co-workers don%rsquot understand how I am disillusioned with their high ideals of honor, courage, commitment, and saving the world by spreading democracy. I don%rsquot know how I can keep supporting something that I don%rsquot identify with anymore. As a leader (division officer) my job requires me to sell the idealistic b.s. that drives the Navy to the sailors that work for me. I can%rsquot do this anymore either. It hurts. I%rsquove given it to Goddess several times now, but it keeps getting harder to deal with. My thoughts of what I wanted to do for the future and all of the life goals that I have set don%rsquot matter to me anymore either. I%rsquove built a lot of things around who/what I thought I was and wanted to be%hellip.and I%rsquom left with the results of the past years of work towards those goals and no desire to pursue them any further. Help? The people that I used to hang out with%hellipI can%rsquot enjoyably spend time with them either%hellipno desire to drink or smoke or dance. They don%rsquot understand and I can%rsquot explain why or how.

When I try to ground myself, I get super tired and am unable to make it through the grounding exercise more than 3 times on most days without having to go to sleep until the next day. I made it 36 days going 8x per day, but for the past few weeks I have physically been unable to ground more than a few times a day. I%rsquom on The Holy Trinity Lesson now. I do the visualization suggested in the lesson, but end up feeling more lonely and empty afterwards each time. I know that I can%rsquot proceed any further without being more grounded. If anyone has advice/suggestions, I%rsquom open to all the help I can get. Thanks for your time and patience with me.

warm regards,
Pete

Jeremy · Feb 26, 2007, 01:15:59 AM

Wow Pete believe me I can relate to your post on every level. While reading it I even started to feel like I was you %ndash strange, got to stay grounded myself :-). For me, the grounding in one breath exercise is a gift from Goddess!! You have to do the full exercise a few times but you could do way more than eight with the grounding in one breath. Grounding and Witness state for me right now are two of the most important practices (not to say I am doing them as much as I should). Gustaf%rsquos response to my last post (Radionic%rsquos & Magick) was great and I feel in some ways you can take from it for your own situation. Particularly%hellip.

%lsquoIf there is a lot of noise and disturbances around you, you can visualize yourself being empty (which is essentially true to my experience) and allow the noises and disturbances to pass through you%rsquo

When I read this I remembered reading the same from one of Eckhart Tolle%rsquos teachings. Not as easy as it sounds but Goddess will give us the strength. To me strength has always been physical or straight from the ego. A powerful verse from Christian scripture that springs to mind is %lsquoMy power is made perfect in weakness%rsquo It%rsquos like the more we struggle to do things out of our own strength the more the quicksand will consume us. Even today I felt the world is coming to an end and the hardest thing to do was surrender. The lessons I mentioned are not too far from where you are now. It makes me feel better to know that Goddess has everything in hand.

Bless you Pete!

: I%rsquove had a lot of things build up recently%hellipand am having trouble dealing with them/ surrendering them. So, I%rsquom dumping them and everything I identify with/ all the baggage I can clearly see here in the Tea Room.

: I push against the face of love.
: I push against the space inside
: And shove against the time.
: I am quickened by this hand of mine.
: I feel a tingle up the spine, a breath,
: And I am empty and alone.

: I desire to be other than myself. I desire to be. I try to run from myself. I know that the idea that I can escape from myself is faulty. I am here and not. I am not content with who I think I am, where I am at, or my circumstances. The persona that I project is not something that I like either. At work, I come across as foul mouthed, dirty, and angry a good bit of the time. I want to be something/ someone great. My job and other things eat up a good deal of my time. I have no t.v. I try to help people and love people, but it seems now to be a way to ingratiate them to me/ put me in a place of power. I%rsquom full of myself. I%rsquom lonely and tired. I don%rsquot treat women properly. I push the weak around because I can. I%rsquove caused myself more pain with my sexuality that I thought possible. I push myself to attain excellence in things so I can lord my excellence over others%hellippiano, culinary arts, crocheting, running, martial arts, knowledge, etc. I%rsquom selfish and arrogant. I keep my family and others who would be friends at a distance because I%rsquom afraid to develop real relationships with them.

: These things said, I%rsquom not sure what to live for anymore or what to do. I desire to live, but all of my motivations for everything I%rsquove done/ am doing seem quite impure. I have very little desire to do anything at all. I can feel the webs of ego/karma strung in my body keeping me where I%lsquom at. My body wants to be completely full of light, but I%rsquom in the way. I don%rsquot know how to deal with my job anymore either. The biggest part of my job now is to memorize large blocks of information and keep them in my memory. I used to derive great pleasure from this ability. Not anymore. I have no desire to push useless information into my head and to stay up in my head all day long. It%rsquos really frustrating that I can%rsquot change my job (having signed a contract with the Navy). My fellow co-workers don%rsquot understand how I am disillusioned with their high ideals of honor, courage, commitment, and saving the world by spreading democracy. I don%rsquot know how I can keep supporting something that I don%rsquot identify with anymore. As a leader (division officer) my job requires me to sell the idealistic b.s. that drives the Navy to the sailors that work for me. I can%rsquot do this anymore either. It hurts. I%rsquove given it to Goddess several times now, but it keeps getting harder to deal with. My thoughts of what I wanted to do for the future and all of the life goals that I have set don%rsquot matter to me anymore either. I%rsquove built a lot of things around who/what I thought I was and wanted to be%hellip.and I%rsquom left with the results of the past years of work towards those goals and no desire to pursue them any further. Help? The people that I used to hang out with%hellipI can%rsquot enjoyably spend time with them either%hellipno desire to drink or smoke or dance. They don%rsquot understand and I can%rsquot explain why or how.

: When I try to ground myself, I get super tired and am unable to make it through the grounding exercise more than 3 times on most days without having to go to sleep until the next day. I made it 36 days going 8x per day, but for the past few weeks I have physically been unable to ground more than a few times a day. I%rsquom on The Holy Trinity Lesson now. I do the visualization suggested in the lesson, but end up feeling more lonely and empty afterwards each time. I know that I can%rsquot proceed any further without being more grounded. If anyone has advice/suggestions, I%rsquom open to all the help I can get. Thanks for your time and patience with me.

: warm regards,
: Pete

Randall · Feb 26, 2007, 02:56:50 PM

: I%rsquove had a lot of things build up recently%hellipand am having trouble dealing with them/ surrendering them. So, I%rsquom dumping them and everything I identify with/ all the baggage I can clearly see here in the Tea Room.

: I push against the face of love.
: I push against the space inside
: And shove against the time.
: I am quickened by this hand of mine.
: I feel a tingle up the spine, a breath,
: And I am empty and alone.

: I desire to be other than myself. I desire to be. I try to run from myself. I know that the idea that I can escape from myself is faulty. I am here and not. I am not content with who I think I am, where I am at, or my circumstances. The persona that I project is not something that I like either. At work, I come across as foul mouthed, dirty, and angry a good bit of the time. I want to be something/ someone great. My job and other things eat up a good deal of my time. I have no t.v. I try to help people and love people, but it seems now to be a way to ingratiate them to me/ put me in a place of power. I%rsquom full of myself. I%rsquom lonely and tired. I don%rsquot treat women properly. I push the weak around because I can. I%rsquove caused myself more pain with my sexuality that I thought possible. I push myself to attain excellence in things so I can lord my excellence over others%hellippiano, culinary arts, crocheting, running, martial arts, knowledge, etc. I%rsquom selfish and arrogant. I keep my family and others who would be friends at a distance because I%rsquom afraid to develop real relationships with them.

: These things said, I%rsquom not sure what to live for anymore or what to do. I desire to live, but all of my motivations for everything I%rsquove done/ am doing seem quite impure. I have very little desire to do anything at all. I can feel the webs of ego/karma strung in my body keeping me where I%lsquom at. My body wants to be completely full of light, but I%rsquom in the way. I don%rsquot know how to deal with my job anymore either. The biggest part of my job now is to memorize large blocks of information and keep them in my memory. I used to derive great pleasure from this ability. Not anymore. I have no desire to push useless information into my head and to stay up in my head all day long. It%rsquos really frustrating that I can%rsquot change my job (having signed a contract with the Navy). My fellow co-workers don%rsquot understand how I am disillusioned with their high ideals of honor, courage, commitment, and saving the world by spreading democracy. I don%rsquot know how I can keep supporting something that I don%rsquot identify with anymore. As a leader (division officer) my job requires me to sell the idealistic b.s. that drives the Navy to the sailors that work for me. I can%rsquot do this anymore either. It hurts. I%rsquove given it to Goddess several times now, but it keeps getting harder to deal with. My thoughts of what I wanted to do for the future and all of the life goals that I have set don%rsquot matter to me anymore either. I%rsquove built a lot of things around who/what I thought I was and wanted to be%hellip.and I%rsquom left with the results of the past years of work towards those goals and no desire to pursue them any further. Help? The people that I used to hang out with%hellipI can%rsquot enjoyably spend time with them either%hellipno desire to drink or smoke or dance. They don%rsquot understand and I can%rsquot explain why or how.

: When I try to ground myself, I get super tired and am unable to make it through the grounding exercise more than 3 times on most days without having to go to sleep until the next day. I made it 36 days going 8x per day, but for the past few weeks I have physically been unable to ground more than a few times a day. I%rsquom on The Holy Trinity Lesson now. I do the visualization suggested in the lesson, but end up feeling more lonely and empty afterwards each time. I know that I can%rsquot proceed any further without being more grounded. If anyone has advice/suggestions, I%rsquom open to all the help I can get. Thanks for your time and patience with me.

: warm regards,
: Pete

Randall · Feb 26, 2007, 03:30:28 PM

Hello Pete
I will try to help you with your low personal ego estimations which is the essence of the Holy Trinity lesson. You are not unique in these feelings or we would not be taking this course. You will need real endurance to follow the course as it is not just a series of joyful /ecstatic experiences. The good news is that you will meet your Divine Beloved who will provide total loving support in coming to terms with the negative aspects of your ego. The Divine Beloved also helps you open the Heart Voice which is your personal spiritual guide. The wonder of the course, thanks to Mystress and the Internet, is that at the Heart level, we are all sharing the same spiritual journey.
Be patient!
Randall

Mystress · Feb 27, 2007, 08:57:21 AM

You are in a good place, Pete... though I am a little surprised you are looking at your shadow stuff when you are doing the Holy Trinity lesson.
I guess that beginning lesson in surrender triggered quite a lot of stuff! It isn't meant to, we go deeper into surrender several times later in the course. Take another look at the karma section of K-teacher.
Later, you learn that after surrendering a bunch of stuff you need to also surrender the holes and spaces where the stuff used to be... "Goddess take these holes and spaces where stuff used to be, and fill them with Your Light and Grace. That takes care of the empty feelings.
You only question who you are when you are down, eh? When energy is low... When you are happy you are too busy enjoying life to worry. Keep getting grounded, sometimes you may have to think happy thoughts and focus on what you love to get into a better head space first.
At the end of the surrender meditation, tell your unconscious "thank you, enough for now" and schedule more surrender later, so you are not having so much stuff coming up at once, and all the time.
What is happening is your unconscious is so delighted by the opportunity to clean house that it is making the most of it. Prayers for mercy are always heard, you can ask to slow the pace of things. Getting overwhelmed and falling into resistance serves nothing.
Took me a few days to sort what is going on with you. I started a long kinda rambly post before but Iexplore ate it so I guess concise is better... ?
Were you swallowed by the serpent? Then you are being digested, your ego is turning into snake poop. Be happy! Snake poop makes the flowers grow, and thus you are reborn.
The tiredness coming after grounding spells the need for a "processing nap." It means your unconscious would like your ego to get out of the way for a few minutes so it can make use of the energy and do its stuff.
Going to sleep, even for ten minutes is like hitting the reset button on the computer. You go through the hypnotic state on the way to sleep and again on the way after, and often will wake refreshed and with new insights. Processing nap sleep is often quite lucid with dreams and visions.
You know, the stuff you are going through is essential to attaining your ideal honourable self. It is archetypal, and mythic for true greatness to follow upon devastating humuliation: from "the Descent of Inanna" to "the Prince and the Pauper."
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me" humility leads to grace... and humility sometimes comes after humiliation... that work is the Shadow. I don't mention the Shadow in the Trinity because it is a reflection of the ego.
You are seeing your Shadow self, that you are what you have scorned, and that false bravado masks fear. What you have forgotten, is to love that guy. You don't have to LIKE him, you have free will to change, make different choices... but love it all, unconditionally and accept it as You.
Someone on K-list once said, "real enlightenment begins when you grow an eye on your asshole to look at your shit."
With regards to your work: I do not like to advise on such things, not my area of responsibility.
Having economic stability is important when going through intense personal changes, and this is not a good time to be choosing a new career path. Good time for a few weeks holiday, even if it has to be labeled a psyche leave.
This is a phase, it won't last especially at the pace of it, and you will come to a much sunnier place when all this stuff has moved through you.
It is not that you surrender and it comes back, it is that there are many different aspects and layers to surrender. Under it all is a pattern of fear, and when you have found it and loved it too, then... Well, I have no words but it is double plus goodness!
You have behaved in the ways you don't like, because of karma stuff. Now the stuff is coming up, and telling you about itself on its way out the door. Tell it "thank you for sharing" and wave it good bye yea yea.
Well, that is what you have done, posting here...
You know, the Shadow shows truth in a funhouse mirror, and ego cringes at it, but Goddess doesn't judge.
Goddess experiences being an angry foul mouthed press ganger for the navvy, or a buddha, it is all beautiful to Her. Goddess doesn't judge, we do... if you are not being who you want to be, then change...
Don't try to write a script for a new ego, that doesn't work for being reborn... just spend time remembering, honouring and surrendering childhood influences. Who were your heroes? What was it you thought they possessed, that you do not?
Remember to love yourself, Pete. Everything else will follow. Blessings!

: I%rsquove had a lot of things build up recently%hellipand am having trouble dealing with them/ surrendering them. So, I%rsquom dumping them and everything I identify with/ all the baggage I can clearly see here in the Tea Room.

: I push against the face of love.
: I push against the space inside
: And shove against the time.
: I am quickened by this hand of mine.
: I feel a tingle up the spine, a breath,
: And I am empty and alone.

: I desire to be other than myself. I desire to be. I try to run from myself. I know that the idea that I can escape from myself is faulty. I am here and not. I am not content with who I think I am, where I am at, or my circumstances. The persona that I project is not something that I like either. At work, I come across as foul mouthed, dirty, and angry a good bit of the time. I want to be something/ someone great. My job and other things eat up a good deal of my time. I have no t.v. I try to help people and love people, but it seems now to be a way to ingratiate them to me/ put me in a place of power. I%rsquom full of myself. I%rsquom lonely and tired. I don%rsquot treat women properly. I push the weak around because I can. I%rsquove caused myself more pain with my sexuality that I thought possible. I push myself to attain excellence in things so I can lord my excellence over others%hellippiano, culinary arts, crocheting, running, martial arts, knowledge, etc. I%rsquom selfish and arrogant. I keep my family and others who would be friends at a distance because I%rsquom afraid to develop real relationships with them.

: These things said, I%rsquom not sure what to live for anymore or what to do. I desire to live, but all of my motivations for everything I%rsquove done/ am doing seem quite impure. I have very little desire to do anything at all. I can feel the webs of ego/karma strung in my body keeping me where I%lsquom at. My body wants to be completely full of light, but I%rsquom in the way. I don%rsquot know how to deal with my job anymore either. The biggest part of my job now is to memorize large blocks of information and keep them in my memory. I used to derive great pleasure from this ability. Not anymore. I have no desire to push useless information into my head and to stay up in my head all day long. It%rsquos really frustrating that I can%rsquot change my job (having signed a contract with the Navy). My fellow co-workers don%rsquot understand how I am disillusioned with their high ideals of honor, courage, commitment, and saving the world by spreading democracy. I don%rsquot know how I can keep supporting something that I don%rsquot identify with anymore. As a leader (division officer) my job requires me to sell the idealistic b.s. that drives the Navy to the sailors that work for me. I can%rsquot do this anymore either. It hurts. I%rsquove given it to Goddess several times now, but it keeps getting harder to deal with. My thoughts of what I wanted to do for the future and all of the life goals that I have set don%rsquot matter to me anymore either. I%rsquove built a lot of things around who/what I thought I was and wanted to be%hellip.and I%rsquom left with the results of the past years of work towards those goals and no desire to pursue them any further. Help? The people that I used to hang out with%hellipI can%rsquot enjoyably spend time with them either%hellipno desire to drink or smoke or dance. They don%rsquot understand and I can%rsquot explain why or how.

: When I try to ground myself, I get super tired and am unable to make it through the grounding exercise more than 3 times on most days without having to go to sleep until the next day. I made it 36 days going 8x per day, but for the past few weeks I have physically been unable to ground more than a few times a day. I%rsquom on The Holy Trinity Lesson now. I do the visualization suggested in the lesson, but end up feeling more lonely and empty afterwards each time. I know that I can%rsquot proceed any further without being more grounded. If anyone has advice/suggestions, I%rsquom open to all the help I can get. Thanks for your time and patience with me.

: warm regards,
: Pete

Pete · Feb 27, 2007, 03:14:41 PM

Thank you, Mystress. Everything you've said seems to be on target. It was especially painful to hear that I need to love myself unconditionally.

I had not set aside a specific time for a "surrender meditation" as such. Whenever something comes up that I can identify as karma, I give it to Goddess on the spot. Now, I see more wisdom in setting aside dedicated time for surrender and specifying that time to my unconscious.

Goddess light does fill the emptiness. Thank you for this!

To answer your question, I was swallowed. The first day you posted the meditation on Snakey, Snakey didn't want any of me. So, I came back the next day and he swallowed me through twice and then swallowed me again. It is a very pleasureable experience...in the darkness the contractions of his insides against my body. I told him that he could "eat me whenever he wanted." He has been in and out of my awareness every day now. It did not occur that such a flood of stuff would be released as a result.

I'm usually not happy by the time I sit down to ground. That was spot on. The short nap thing helped today.

Everyone's posts are appreciated. A big part of the burden that I had lifted when I posted to this forum the other day. That in itself made things much easier. I'll endeavor to incorporate the things offered. Thank you.

Pete

: You are in a good place, Pete... though I am a little surprised you are looking at your shadow stuff when you are doing the Holy Trinity lesson.

: I guess that beginning lesson in surrender triggered quite a lot of stuff! It isn't meant to, we go deeper into surrender several times later in the course. Take another look at the karma section of K-teacher.

: Later, you learn that after surrendering a bunch of stuff you need to also surrender the holes and spaces where the stuff used to be... "Goddess take these holes and spaces where stuff used to be, and fill them with Your Light and Grace. That takes care of the empty feelings.

: You only question who you are when you are down, eh? When energy is low... When you are happy you are too busy enjoying life to worry. Keep getting grounded, sometimes you may have to think happy thoughts and focus on what you love to get into a better head space first.

: At the end of the surrender meditation, tell your unconscious "thank you, enough for now" and schedule more surrender later, so you are not having so much stuff coming up at once, and all the time.

: What is happening is your unconscious is so delighted by the opportunity to clean house that it is making the most of it. Prayers for mercy are always heard, you can ask to slow the pace of things. Getting overwhelmed and falling into resistance serves nothing.

: Took me a few days to sort what is going on with you. I started a long kinda rambly post before but Iexplore ate it so I guess concise is better... ?

: Were you swallowed by the serpent? Then you are being digested, your ego is turning into snake poop. Be happy! Snake poop makes the flowers grow, and thus you are reborn.

: The tiredness coming after grounding spells the need for a "processing nap." It means your unconscious would like your ego to get out of the way for a few minutes so it can make use of the energy and do its stuff.

: Going to sleep, even for ten minutes is like hitting the reset button on the computer. You go through the hypnotic state on the way to sleep and again on the way after, and often will wake refreshed and with new insights. Processing nap sleep is often quite lucid with dreams and visions.

: You know, the stuff you are going through is essential to attaining your ideal honourable self. It is archetypal, and mythic for true greatness to follow upon devastating humuliation: from "the Descent of Inanna" to "the Prince and the Pauper."

: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me" humility leads to grace... and humility sometimes comes after humiliation... that work is the Shadow. I don't mention the Shadow in the Trinity because it is a reflection of the ego.

: You are seeing your Shadow self, that you are what you have scorned, and that false bravado masks fear. What you have forgotten, is to love that guy. You don't have to LIKE him, you have free will to change, make different choices... but love it all, unconditionally and accept it as You.

: Someone on K-list once said, "real enlightenment begins when you grow an eye on your asshole to look at your shit."

: With regards to your work: I do not like to advise on such things, not my area of responsibility.

: Having economic stability is important when going through intense personal changes, and this is not a good time to be choosing a new career path. Good time for a few weeks holiday, even if it has to be labeled a psyche leave.

: This is a phase, it won't last especially at the pace of it, and you will come to a much sunnier place when all this stuff has moved through you.

: It is not that you surrender and it comes back, it is that there are many different aspects and layers to surrender. Under it all is a pattern of fear, and when you have found it and loved it too, then... Well, I have no words but it is double plus goodness!

: You have behaved in the ways you don't like, because of karma stuff. Now the stuff is coming up, and telling you about itself on its way out the door. Tell it "thank you for sharing" and wave it good bye yea yea.

: Well, that is what you have done, posting here...

: You know, the Shadow shows truth in a funhouse mirror, and ego cringes at it, but Goddess doesn't judge.

: Goddess experiences being an angry foul mouthed press ganger for the navvy, or a buddha, it is all beautiful to Her. Goddess doesn't judge, we do... if you are not being who you want to be, then change...

: Don't try to write a script for a new ego, that doesn't work for being reborn... just spend time remembering, honouring and surrendering childhood influences. Who were your heroes? What was it you thought they possessed, that you do not?

: Remember to love yourself, Pete. Everything else will follow. Blessings!

Mystress · Feb 28, 2007, 09:32:21 PM

: I had not set aside a specific time for a "surrender meditation" as such. Whenever something comes up that I can identify as karma, I give it to Goddess on the spot.

Good, but that sort of 24/7 mindfullness comes around lesson #40...

: To answer your question, I was swallowed. The first day you posted the meditation on Snakey, Snakey didn't want any of me. So, I came back the next day and he swallowed me through twice and then swallowed me again.

So, you pushed it..
Usually when something is defined as an initiation, it means you only need to do it once..
I get swallowed once or twice every few YEARS... and you saw from your own scrying, I don't have much karma of my own.

: I told him that he could "eat me whenever he wanted." He has been in and out of my awareness every day now. It did not occur that such a flood of stuff would be released as a result.

Of course it would. It is all good, but pace yourself. For now, focus on grounding.

Blessings...