Is this a fight I am obligated to take? Or should I try to avoid it?

[Vyana]

After a wonderful summer with a workshop with Mystress and many weeks spent in a state of mind that has felt close to bliss, I have the last weeks kind of crash-landed in the tough reality of my life in duality. Bullies are continuing their work to undermine my position, destroy my reputation and in this specific case to take away the few benefits I still have left. Probably their aim is to chase me away from my workplace. Part of my dilemma is that it would be easy indeed to fight back and conquer them, if I did allow myself to fight back with means of power. It would be easy indeed to more or less put an end to many of the bullies%rsquo careers. But ever since back in the schoolyard, when I was six, I have never been able to fight to hurt any other human being. It is as if was burn with, or learned in early years in my loving an caring home, that harming others is simply not acceptable. My conscience was very active back in those days and the feelings I had in my chest and stomach actually was in charge of my life %ndash with the effect that I was simply not allowed to do most of all that mischief which most of my friends where busy doing. When there was fighting, I simply was not allowed to defend myself effectively, which made me a popular victim for perpetrators at the schoolyard.

This is still the same when it comes to work-place bullies as when it comes to school yard bullies. It would have been so easy to fight them back and really show them who is in charge. It would not be difficult to virtually put and end to many of their careers. Of course, I would have suffered myself from such a fight, but most likely I would have won and got out of it very much stronger and in a far better position than the one I am in to day. But my conscience has not allowed for that. Therefore, instead of fighting I have turned in other directions. First I tried to get another job. Then I tried to make money on the stock exchange. I have also sought other ways to make money. But none of this worked. All the time, things have happened to put an end to all my attempts to get around my difficulties or out of my stuck situation. It is as if the world has been forcing me to stay and deal with the situation. I have had nothing to do but to stay. But instead of effectively dealing with the situation in the outer world, I have turned inwards. I have sought information on bullying and analysed my situation. I have seen therapist. I have been meditating, practicing yoga and participating in this course.

Today the situation is somewhat different. The person who is presently taking care of the duties for which the position I hold was once installed is far from competent to do a good job. Instead he is making a mess of it, which affects several hundreds of people in a way that might have sever consequences on their whole future lives. I am part of a committee which is obligated to comment on his reports on his job. Last year I just avoided the problem by getting sick or occupied by something else and did not read the report or go to the meeting. But this year I read the report and told the committee what I thought of it. My motives to actually do this, which I was obligated to, were partly from very egoistic. This manager did something very nasty to me. This took me out of my blissful state and when back in a state of duality thinking, I wanted to get back at him. But still, I am quite used to such events since many years, and this was mostly only the trigger that forced me to take action. Mostly, I acted because it was my duty to do so. This is a duty I have neglected for many years, because I did not want to hurt anyone.

What I had to say was far from nice. Still my conscience did not react to it as I had expected. There was no power chakra reaction. Of course, people did not listen to what I said and there sure will be reactions. But still, the chairman had to do something, and he decided to postpone the meeting and invite the manager in question to listen to my critics. He also decided that two other persons (managers in the same position and maybe in similar situations when it comes to lack of competence too) would be present. Most likely his aim was to outnumber me, as I actually might get some support from some of the other committee members. However, my duty is only to the committee, and I suspect he cannot force me to present my views in the presence of those people.

I certainly don%rsquot like to get involved in a fight like this. It certainly also is my duty to do what I am now doing. But it is also partly a quest of ego to get back at those people and try to regain my own position, which makes my situation more difficult. Of course, I did a higher self negotiation with Mystress back in the summer of 2005, and I have been advised to keep ego out of it. Therefore I have been very reluctant to take action to perform my duty. But still, if there is to be some changes as a result of such a negotiation, doesn%rsquot somebody have to take action? And now I actually feel a little bit like Arjuna. I am obligated to fight. I also have ego motives to fight, which forced me past the last resistance to act, but I suppose Arjuna might have had such too. Still, I don%rsquot want to fight. It%rsquos simply not my style. But Arjuna did not want to fight either. Still Krishna, who was the incarnation of the divine, actually advised hit to perform his duty. Maybe this is the right way for me too? Or should I just try to keep out of it by all means? I really don%rsquot know? My motives are a little bit too mixed up. But I suppose, as I have started I will go on with this quest at least. Still, another problem is, if I don%rsquot fight really effectively, I will most likely loose. So, I certainly don%rsquot like this new situation!

[Jeremy]

Hi!

How coincidental that I am in a similar situation at my own workplace.  I come from a very violent background and unlike you, in the past would have basically been controlled by rage.  In my own situation now I chose not to ¡¥fight¡¦ but certainly to act.  If a member of this board started posting insults or obscene comments detrimental to others I am sure Mystress would ban them.  That in my opinion would not be ego but simply necessary as a person that has responsibility, especially over others should use it.  I would not act emotionally but follow ¡¥procedure¡¦ and deal with situations strictly (with a smile) if someone is not treating you respectfully.  Do your duties exactly as described in your job description and according to the policies set out by HR.  If you have to report accurately on someone that has not been performing do so.  If you feel you cannot do this then it could be that you have a higher calling somewhere else %fnofº

Perhaps pray about it and ask Goddess for help and guidance.  Put a big smile on your face! Wear it all day and listen to your heart %fnofº  I would also add that it seems people do create their own reality.  Are you focusing on the negative with charged emotion to much? You could be adding fuel to the fire.  Every morning give yourself to Goddess, pray and ask for guidance and protection then after grounding, imagine the day the way you want it to go.  If things get bad, smile, thank Goddess and be grateful you have a job.  Giving to others is giving to yourself.    

Please also read my suggestions with discernment as the answers for you are within yourself.  

: After a wonderful summer with a workshop with Mystress and many weeks spent in a state of mind that has felt close to bliss, I have the last weeks kind of crash-landed in the tough reality of my life in duality. Bullies are continuing their work to undermine my position, destroy my reputation and in this specific case to take away the few benefits I still have left. Probably their aim is to chase me away from my workplace. Part of my dilemma is that it would be easy indeed to fight back and conquer them, if I did allow myself to fight back with means of power. It would be easy indeed to more or less put an end to many of the bullies¡¦ careers. But ever since back in the schoolyard, when I was six, I have never been able to fight to hurt any other human being. It is as if was burn with, or learned in early years in my loving an caring home, that harming others is simply not acceptable. My conscience was very active back in those days and the feelings I had in my chest and stomach actually was in charge of my life ¡V with the effect that I was simply not allowed to do most of all that mischief which most of my friends where busy doing. When there was fighting, I simply was not allowed to defend myself effectively, which made me a popular victim for perpetrators at the schoolyard.

: This is still the same when it comes to work-place bullies as when it comes to school yard bullies. It would have been so easy to fight them back and really show them who is in charge. It would not be difficult to virtually put and end to many of their careers. Of course, I would have suffered myself from such a fight, but most likely I would have won and got out of it very much stronger and in a far better position than the one I am in to day. But my conscience has not allowed for that. Therefore, instead of fighting I have turned in other directions. First I tried to get another job. Then I tried to make money on the stock exchange. I have also sought other ways to make money. But none of this worked. All the time, things have happened to put an end to all my attempts to get around my difficulties or out of my stuck situation. It is as if the world has been forcing me to stay and deal with the situation. I have had nothing to do but to stay. But instead of effectively dealing with the situation in the outer world, I have turned inwards. I have sought information on bullying and analysed my situation. I have seen therapist. I have been meditating, practicing yoga and participating in this course.

: Today the situation is somewhat different. The person who is presently taking care of the duties for which the position I hold was once installed is far from competent to do a good job. Instead he is making a mess of it, which affects several hundreds of people in a way that might have sever consequences on their whole future lives. I am part of a committee which is obligated to comment on his reports on his job. Last year I just avoided the problem by getting sick or occupied by something else and did not read the report or go to the meeting. But this year I read the report and told the committee what I thought of it. My motives to actually do this, which I was obligated to, were partly from very egoistic. This manager did something very nasty to me. This took me out of my blissful state and when back in a state of duality thinking, I wanted to get back at him. But still, I am quite used to such events since many years, and this was mostly only the trigger that forced me to take action. Mostly, I acted because it was my duty to do so. This is a duty I have neglected for many years, because I did not want to hurt anyone.

: What I had to say was far from nice. Still my conscience did not react to it as I had expected. There was no power chakra reaction. Of course, people did not listen to what I said and there sure will be reactions. But still, the chairman had to do something, and he decided to postpone the meeting and invite the manager in question to listen to my critics. He also decided that two other persons (managers in the same position and maybe in similar situations when it comes to lack of competence too) would be present. Most likely his aim was to outnumber me, as I actually might get some support from some of the other committee members. However, my duty is only to the committee, and I suspect he cannot force me to present my views in the presence of those people.

: I certainly don¡¦t like to get involved in a fight like this. It certainly also is my duty to do what I am now doing. But it is also partly a quest of ego to get back at those people and try to regain my own position, which makes my situation more difficult. Of course, I did a higher self negotiation with Mystress back in the summer of 2005, and I have been advised to keep ego out of it. Therefore I have been very reluctant to take action to perform my duty. But still, if there is to be some changes as a result of such a negotiation, doesn¡¦t somebody have to take action? And now I actually feel a little bit like Arjuna. I am obligated to fight. I also have ego motives to fight, which forced me past the last resistance to act, but I suppose Arjuna might have had such too. Still, I don¡¦t want to fight. It¡¦s simply not my style. But Arjuna did not want to fight either. Still Krishna, who was the incarnation of the divine, actually advised hit to perform his duty. Maybe this is the right way for me too? Or should I just try to keep out of it by all means? I really don¡¦t know? My motives are a little bit too mixed up. But I suppose, as I have started I will go on with this quest at least. Still, another problem is, if I don¡¦t fight really effectively, I will most likely loose. So, I certainly don¡¦t like this new situation!

[Vyana]

Thank you! Of course, I know it%rsquos basically about me. But what is my problem? I don%rsquot think I am creating this by focusing on it negatively. Rather it might be the other way round. I don%rsquot do much of such focusing, I think. Actually my problem did not get really severe, until kundalini forced me to face it, after I had been following all those %ldquogood advises%rdquo about thinking about other things, trying other ways to success and so on for several years.

I don%rsquot know, these advises might be good advises normally. But they didn%rsquot work for me. Instead I was forced to turn around and face my severe situation, which almost killed me back in 2003. Now I am good ahead on my way to recovery. Actually I feel much better than most, at least most of the time. But it seems my way to recovery goes right through all this heavy emotional stuff, not around it. To put a smile on your face might be an equally good advise, but it simply doesn%rsquot work for me either. I have no problem just stop thinking %ndash or do a lot of grounding %ndash and the problem will go away. But the thing is; it will come back later. Something happens, which forces me back to deal with it.

Of course I also now there is something wrong with my way of thinking. I should be able to think of those bastards with love and gratitude and acknowledge that they cannot do me any harm, because I am the God of my own life. Believe me, I know that very well. But knowing is on thing, doing is another! I feel as I feel, and I cannot force my feelings to go away for ever, but only until next time I am once more dragged into it again. So, the question is, what do I need to do to be able to arrive at that goal.

Is my problem that I am not able to accept the situation as it is and be happy with it? Or is my problem that I am not able to accept my own need to take action and do something about it? Maybe I need to take action and %ldquofight%rdquo to get through this stuff? Maybe my problem is that I consider my self obligated to be so nice %ndash and now I mean really nice in the core and not nice on the surface %ndash that I am unable to protect my boundaries from invasive people? In an attempt never to be invasive and disrespect other people%rsquos boundaries, I tend to give up my own boundaries until they are walking not only all over me but also inside me and I have hardly even kept the core of my heart to myself. Maybe I should start taking action to protect my own boundaries instead? Maybe I should accept myself as being as bad as those bastards and start acting like them? Maybe that is what this human existence requires of me? I suppose that after showing them who is the boss, it would be much easier to think of them with love and gratitude!

BTW, by %ldquofighting%rdquo is not meant physical fighting, but rather what you call %ldquoacting%rdquo. Not to act emotionally is a challenge, because thinking of this stuff brings all the emotions up. And this of course also interferes with the heart and power chakra signals. Smiling is of course difficult under such conditions. I have no procedures to hang on to, because there are none. Also, there are no job descriptions. And most people here think we should just keep quiet and accept anything. The main thing is that we should not %ldquofight%rdquo no matter what. When we do, we are considered troublemakers.

Maybe I should try praying, but to tell the truth I don%rsquot feel like it right now. However, that is, somehow what I do anyway. Giving myself up to Goddess I won%rsquot to either. Did it once, and it was only a little bit too effective.

: Hi!

: How coincidental that I am in a similar situation at my own workplace.  I come from a very violent background and unlike you, in the past would have basically been controlled by rage.  In my own situation now I chose not to ¡¥fight¡¦ but certainly to act.  If a member of this board started posting insults or obscene comments detrimental to others I am sure Mystress would ban them.  That in my opinion would not be ego but simply necessary as a person that has responsibility, especially over others should use it.  I would not act emotionally but follow ¡¥procedure¡¦ and deal with situations strictly (with a smile) if someone is not treating you respectfully.  Do your duties exactly as described in your job description and according to the policies set out by HR.  If you have to report accurately on someone that has not been performing do so.  If you feel you cannot do this then it could be that you have a higher calling somewhere else %fnofº

: Perhaps pray about it and ask Goddess for help and guidance.  Put a big smile on your face! Wear it all day and listen to your heart %fnofº  I would also add that it seems people do create their own reality.  Are you focusing on the negative with charged emotion to much? You could be adding fuel to the fire.  Every morning give yourself to Goddess, pray and ask for guidance and protection then after grounding, imagine the day the way you want it to go.  If things get bad, smile, thank Goddess and be grateful you have a job.  Giving to others is giving to yourself.    

: Please also read my suggestions with discernment as the answers for you are within yourself.  

[Tommy]

Dear Vyana

I think you should go for it. I had an "I apologize for being alive" pattern going on.. now i have become a man and never apologize

I tried to understand my pattern and resolve it for a long time. I could see how trying to be nice was because i was afraid others might not like me etc. etc. etc... etc. But nothing REALLY helped. Goddes showed me early on that confrontation or standing up for myself was a natural part of me. I didnt listen, since i was sooo enlightened i did not think being human would do me any good. And if i started to stand up for myself i would have to fight all the time, no? And if i confronted people would i then become a tyran like so many in my family? No thanks!! then rather a martyr.

But as usual Goddes had her way, she poked and poked .. never missing the sore spots.

So i started standing up for myself. There was a wierd period where i overdid it. I was very high strung, if anyone even thought about trespassing they would regret it!! I am the youngest in my family, two very skilled tyrants trained me to be a doormat from birth. It took some heavy battles to stop the automatic outliving of patterns and roles, i was terrified in these confrontations. When people want you to submit and you refuse.. and they use their full force to make you submit was scary for my little heart.

I began to see that it was the ACTUAL confrontation i was scared of.. the moment i was supposed to bow down, but didnt. It was as if time stopped, my whole system was in shock. I couldnt think, feel.. anything. In the beginning i ended up submitting anyway.. and when the shock dimmed down and my energy cleared up i could think of 100 better ways to solve the situation, 100 things that was wrong with the tyrants, 100 things i could have said.

This was just a way to cope with defeat of course, to get some sense of self-respect back. I would build the anger and and hate inside.. prepare for the next confrontation.

But when it came.. the shock like state re-appeared.

At that point in time i had very vivid images from people. When my father attacked me he used a vampire like woman and an axemurderer. The vampire woman would shock me and zapp my energies.. the axemurderer would chop my energy chord from my crown and up.

One day a breaktrough happened. My father had some of his usual issues.. but far worse than i had seen before. He overheard a conversation between me and my mother and thought ? something bad i guess. He attackted me.. not physically, but with the vampire/axemurderer + friends. For the first time in my life i did not get shocked or zapped. I was affected by the situation, but i was still myself. The axemurderer chopped his axe so hard above my head that it could litterally feel it.. wind and sound. But it had no real effect on me. My father imploded instead and left. I felt changed somehow.

I guess somehow when one is used to being violated, it takes a bit of practice getting used to being in a confrontation.

My father was angry for some years, so was my sister. I never attackted them.. but they where afraid of me somehow.. i guess? atleast they stopped bullying me. But now our relationship is better than ever. (not hard when the bar was low *s*)

I retrospective i can see how this fear of standing up affected all areas of my life. I used alot of time working around confronting my lack of courage, all the theories i came up with was useless. What i needed was to stand up for myself ~ NOT validate my patterns and make excuses for my missing testicles.

The most funny part is that i rarely get involved in conflicts anymore. Not that i dont meet "bad" people, they just cant get under my skin.. so there is no need to defend myself. Most dont even try.. like i do not exist. I have gained an extra bonus since i am now very good at being a middleman an solving conflicts at work, without doing much more than being me

It feels so empowering not to be afraid all the time, not to be a human waste bucket. Now it is easier for me to be positive and outlive my divine ideals, and easier not to. I no longer fear the day when someone disagrees with me. It is even ok to be wrong, it is not weakness.

To see your pattern .. look at how much you have build around the confrontation, and how little you have confronted. So much time, energy and effort.. it is great to be in the world but not of it

I coould imagine Mystress power chakra essay might have some answer regarding this?

Is this a fight I am obligated to take? Or should I try to avoid it?

I dont know.. i only know your side of the story. But if they are predators and sense weakness in you.. then you might be prey.

Blessings

: Thank you! Of course, I know it%rsquos basically about me. But what is my problem? I don%rsquot think I am creating this by focusing on it negatively. Rather it might be the other way round. I don%rsquot do much of such focusing, I think. Actually my problem did not get really severe, until kundalini forced me to face it, after I had been following all those %ldquogood advises%rdquo about thinking about other things, trying other ways to success and so on for several years.

: I don%rsquot know, these advises might be good advises normally. But they didn%rsquot work for me. Instead I was forced to turn around and face my severe situation, which almost killed me back in 2003. Now I am good ahead on my way to recovery. Actually I feel much better than most, at least most of the time. But it seems my way to recovery goes right through all this heavy emotional stuff, not around it. To put a smile on your face might be an equally good advise, but it simply doesn%rsquot work for me either. I have no problem just stop thinking %ndash or do a lot of grounding %ndash and the problem will go away. But the thing is; it will come back later. Something happens, which forces me back to deal with it.

: Of course I also now there is something wrong with my way of thinking. I should be able to think of those bastards with love and gratitude and acknowledge that they cannot do me any harm, because I am the God of my own life. Believe me, I know that very well. But knowing is on thing, doing is another! I feel as I feel, and I cannot force my feelings to go away for ever, but only until next time I am once more dragged into it again. So, the question is, what do I need to do to be able to arrive at that goal.

: Is my problem that I am not able to accept the situation as it is and be happy with it? Or is my problem that I am not able to accept my own need to take action and do something about it? Maybe I need to take action and %ldquofight%rdquo to get through this stuff? Maybe my problem is that I consider my self obligated to be so nice %ndash and now I mean really nice in the core and not nice on the surface %ndash that I am unable to protect my boundaries from invasive people? In an attempt never to be invasive and disrespect other people%rsquos boundaries, I tend to give up my own boundaries until they are walking not only all over me but also inside me and I have hardly even kept the core of my heart to myself. Maybe I should start taking action to protect my own boundaries instead? Maybe I should accept myself as being as bad as those bastards and start acting like them? Maybe that is what this human existence requires of me? I suppose that after showing them who is the boss, it would be much easier to think of them with love and gratitude!

: BTW, by %ldquofighting%rdquo is not meant physical fighting, but rather what you call %ldquoacting%rdquo. Not to act emotionally is a challenge, because thinking of this stuff brings all the emotions up. And this of course also interferes with the heart and power chakra signals. Smiling is of course difficult under such conditions. I have no procedures to hang on to, because there are none. Also, there are no job descriptions. And most people here think we should just keep quiet and accept anything. The main thing is that we should not %ldquofight%rdquo no matter what. When we do, we are considered troublemakers.

: Maybe I should try praying, but to tell the truth I don%rsquot feel like it right now. However, that is, somehow what I do anyway. Giving myself up to Goddess I won%rsquot to either. Did it once, and it was only a little bit too effective.

: : Hi!

: : How coincidental that I am in a similar situation at my own workplace.  I come from a very violent background and unlike you, in the past would have basically been controlled by rage.  In my own situation now I chose not to ¡¥fight¡¦ but certainly to act.  If a member of this board started posting insults or obscene comments detrimental to others I am sure Mystress would ban them.  That in my opinion would not be ego but simply necessary as a person that has responsibility, especially over others should use it.  I would not act emotionally but follow ¡¥procedure¡¦ and deal with situations strictly (with a smile) if someone is not treating you respectfully.  Do your duties exactly as described in your job description and according to the policies set out by HR.  If you have to report accurately on someone that has not been performing do so.  If you feel you cannot do this then it could be that you have a higher calling somewhere else %fnofº

: : Perhaps pray about it and ask Goddess for help and guidance.  Put a big smile on your face! Wear it all day and listen to your heart %fnofº  I would also add that it seems people do create their own reality.  Are you focusing on the negative with charged emotion to much? You could be adding fuel to the fire.  Every morning give yourself to Goddess, pray and ask for guidance and protection then after grounding, imagine the day the way you want it to go.  If things get bad, smile, thank Goddess and be grateful you have a job.  Giving to others is giving to yourself.    

: : Please also read my suggestions with discernment as the answers for you are within yourself.  

[Vyana]

Thank you for valuable insights and experiences!

In his Free Online Book, Be Your Own Therapist (at http://www.helpself.com/thayer.htm) Thayer White comments on the new age approach to shine God%rsquos love on problems. He says this method is popular and that it often works, but that it also often just hides the problem until the next time, the same way such difficulties can be hidden by smoking, drinking or drug use. I recognise that. When being in the now and living in bliss, I am rarely bothered by these bullying problems. But still, when I return to reality in duality (sound almost like poesy, doesn%rsquot it), the problems are still there. Then my related stomach problems tend to return too. Thayer White says that when the same difficulty or issue returns, it is likely that something different may be required of us to rid ourselves permanently of the difficulty. And when the same difficulty returns and returns, we are resisting something. He also says that heavy emotions are what "spiritual" folks most often resist.

The power chakra lesson I have returned to over and over again during my about one and a half year on this course. I also had my power chakra opened by Mystress last summer, which was a very nice experience %ndash like becoming more alive somehow. The problem is, it seems that such openings must be done over and over again for the effect to stabilise. Maybe I can find some other person here in my country to help me. About half a year ago Mystress advised me to start practicing material arts to get chi to really spread in all parts of my body. I did not feel physically fit to do that right than. Instead I started practising kundalini-yoga a la yogi Bhajan. This is a rather physically demanding form of yoga which also focuses on the body to open up for chi. And now I am in a better condition, so rather soon I will start to try out the schools of material arts to se if there is some one that fits for me. I believe such practices will make it easier to stand up for myself in a disciplined way without overreacting.

I am also planning to lead a NLP workshop for most people on my work-place to discuss goals and strategies for the future. If people come and I manage with this it has the potential to improve my position a lot. To make the bullying less obvious, I am allowed to hold a position as head of a council which is only consultative. At the last meeting with this council, we where only about five or six participants. (By accident or whatever the email system for sending mail to all members suddenly stopped working for a very short while just when the notice for the meeting was to be sent.) Then I took the opportunity to make the others agree on such a workshop. So, now I can go ahead with it whenever I feel fit to.

: Dear Vyana

: I think you should go for it. I had an "I apologize for being alive" pattern going on.. now i have become a man and never apologize

: I tried to understand my pattern and resolve it for a long time. I could see how trying to be nice was because i was afraid others might not like me etc. etc. etc... etc. But nothing REALLY helped. Goddes showed me early on that confrontation or standing up for myself was a natural part of me. I didnt listen, since i was sooo enlightened i did not think being human would do me any good. And if i started to stand up for myself i would have to fight all the time, no? And if i confronted people would i then become a tyran like so many in my family? No thanks!! then rather a martyr.

: But as usual Goddes had her way, she poked and poked .. never missing the sore spots.

: So i started standing up for myself. There was a wierd period where i overdid it. I was very high strung, if anyone even thought about trespassing they would regret it!! I am the youngest in my family, two very skilled tyrants trained me to be a doormat from birth. It took some heavy battles to stop the automatic outliving of patterns and roles, i was terrified in these confrontations. When people want you to submit and you refuse.. and they use their full force to make you submit was scary for my little heart.

: I began to see that it was the ACTUAL confrontation i was scared of.. the moment i was supposed to bow down, but didnt. It was as if time stopped, my whole system was in shock. I couldnt think, feel.. anything. In the beginning i ended up submitting anyway.. and when the shock dimmed down and my energy cleared up i could think of 100 better ways to solve the situation, 100 things that was wrong with the tyrants, 100 things i could have said.

: This was just a way to cope with defeat of course, to get some sense of self-respect back. I would build the anger and and hate inside.. prepare for the next confrontation.

: But when it came.. the shock like state re-appeared.

: At that point in time i had very vivid images from people. When my father attacked me he used a vampire like woman and an axemurderer. The vampire woman would shock me and zapp my energies.. the axemurderer would chop my energy chord from my crown and up.

: One day a breaktrough happened. My father had some of his usual issues.. but far worse than i had seen before. He overheard a conversation between me and my mother and thought ? something bad i guess. He attackted me.. not physically, but with the vampire/axemurderer + friends. For the first time in my life i did not get shocked or zapped. I was affected by the situation, but i was still myself. The axemurderer chopped his axe so hard above my head that it could litterally feel it.. wind and sound. But it had no real effect on me. My father imploded instead and left. I felt changed somehow.

: I guess somehow when one is used to being violated, it takes a bit of practice getting used to being in a confrontation.

: My father was angry for some years, so was my sister. I never attackted them.. but they where afraid of me somehow.. i guess? atleast they stopped bullying me. But now our relationship is better than ever. (not hard when the bar was low *s*)

: I retrospective i can see how this fear of standing up affected all areas of my life. I used alot of time working around confronting my lack of courage, all the theories i came up with was useless. What i needed was to stand up for myself ~ NOT validate my patterns and make excuses for my missing testicles.
:  
: The most funny part is that i rarely get involved in conflicts anymore. Not that i dont meet "bad" people, they just cant get under my skin.. so there is no need to defend myself. Most dont even try.. like i do not exist. I have gained an extra bonus since i am now very good at being a middleman an solving conflicts at work, without doing much more than being me

: It feels so empowering not to be afraid all the time, not to be a human waste bucket. Now it is easier for me to be positive and outlive my divine ideals, and easier not to. I no longer fear the day when someone disagrees with me. It is even ok to be wrong, it is not weakness.

: To see your pattern .. look at how much you have build around the confrontation, and how little you have confronted. So much time, energy and effort.. it is great to be in the world but not of it

: I coould imagine Mystress power chakra essay might have some answer regarding this?

: Is this a fight I am obligated to take? Or should I try to avoid it?

: I dont know.. i only know your side of the story. But if they are predators and sense weakness in you.. then you might be prey.

: Blessings

[Mystress]

  Hello, Vyana... I think you already know the answers to the questions you ask, and Jeremy's post echoed my own thoughts. Welcome, Jeremy.

 Sometimes it is unconditional love to give a slap upside the head to a hysterical person.  You have seen me verbally whacking people here and on the list, and you know it is done of love... like a Zen Master's cane.  The surgery can be painful but the patent recovers... 85-95% of them thank me later, though sometimes it takes them a few years to see the love in it.

  It takes a bigger love to do the tough stuff and appear the mean guy, than to hide and be apathetic.

 I have suggested previously that your unwillingness to engage predators in your childhood was actually a karmic blockage, not wholly conscience or Divine will. Every bird has a right to defend its nest.  Sometimes turning the other cheek is not the right thing to do: the predator will go to prey on others if not stopped.  

  Jeremy is correct, here or on my lists, it is part of my role and my duty to act as needed to promote the peace and emotional safety of the space.  In this cyberspace temple restraining people is rarely needed, on the K-list, more often.

 When you are conscious that there is ego involved in a decision then you are not likely to be ruled by it... it is the shadow of the hidden ego that gives trouble. That is why we look into the "ugly mirror" to find our own hidden selfish motives... and sometimes, recognizing it the need to act disappears, and other times   I too prefer to bliss out in nonduality rather than engage people... but I also recognise that Goddess does sometimes use annoyance to get me up off my ass... to draw my attention to some place where "active surrender" is required.

 "Active surrender is required here. You have to surrender to acting as you must, (despite your ego's preferences for non-involvement) to change your work environment. Goddess has you boxed in so there is no other option, and in the pyramid power structure of that group it is your role and your duty.

 Funny thing about the manager wanting other managers to hear you... your reaction is kind of paranoid.  Ever occur to you that maybe they know something is not right and they really want your wisdom and support in making it better?  

 Noblesse oblige. The strong care for the weak, the wealthy care for the poor, the wise counsel the foolish. Not to get into an ego hero trip, but a basic duty as a human being.  Honour, right action.

  Blessings...

:
: After a wonderful summer with a workshop with Mystress and many weeks spent in a state of mind that has felt close to bliss, I have the last weeks kind of crash-landed in the tough reality of my life in duality. Bullies are continuing their work to undermine my position, destroy my reputation and in this specific case to take away the few benefits I still have left. Probably their aim is to chase me away from my workplace. Part of my dilemma is that it would be easy indeed to fight back and conquer them, if I did allow myself to fight back with means of power. It would be easy indeed to more or less put an end to many of the bullies%rsquo careers. But ever since back in the schoolyard, when I was six, I have never been able to fight to hurt any other human being. It is as if was burn with, or learned in early years in my loving an caring home, that harming others is simply not acceptable. My conscience was very active back in those days and the feelings I had in my chest and stomach actually was in charge of my life %ndash with the effect that I was simply not allowed to do most of all that mischief which most of my friends where busy doing. When there was fighting, I simply was not allowed to defend myself effectively, which made me a popular victim for perpetrators at the schoolyard.

: This is still the same when it comes to work-place bullies as when it comes to school yard bullies. It would have been so easy to fight them back and really show them who is in charge. It would not be difficult to virtually put and end to many of their careers. Of course, I would have suffered myself from such a fight, but most likely I would have won and got out of it very much stronger and in a far better position than the one I am in to day. But my conscience has not allowed for that. Therefore, instead of fighting I have turned in other directions. First I tried to get another job. Then I tried to make money on the stock exchange. I have also sought other ways to make money. But none of this worked. All the time, things have happened to put an end to all my attempts to get around my difficulties or out of my stuck situation. It is as if the world has been forcing me to stay and deal with the situation. I have had nothing to do but to stay. But instead of effectively dealing with the situation in the outer world, I have turned inwards. I have sought information on bullying and analysed my situation. I have seen therapist. I have been meditating, practicing yoga and participating in this course.

: Today the situation is somewhat different. The person who is presently taking care of the duties for which the position I hold was once installed is far from competent to do a good job. Instead he is making a mess of it, which affects several hundreds of people in a way that might have sever consequences on their whole future lives. I am part of a committee which is obligated to comment on his reports on his job. Last year I just avoided the problem by getting sick or occupied by something else and did not read the report or go to the meeting. But this year I read the report and told the committee what I thought of it. My motives to actually do this, which I was obligated to, were partly from very egoistic. This manager did something very nasty to me. This took me out of my blissful state and when back in a state of duality thinking, I wanted to get back at him. But still, I am quite used to such events since many years, and this was mostly only the trigger that forced me to take action. Mostly, I acted because it was my duty to do so. This is a duty I have neglected for many years, because I did not want to hurt anyone.

: What I had to say was far from nice. Still my conscience did not react to it as I had expected. There was no power chakra reaction. Of course, people did not listen to what I said and there sure will be reactions. But still, the chairman had to do something, and he decided to postpone the meeting and invite the manager in question to listen to my critics. He also decided that two other persons (managers in the same position and maybe in similar situations when it comes to lack of competence too) would be present. Most likely his aim was to outnumber me, as I actually might get some support from some of the other committee members. However, my duty is only to the committee, and I suspect he cannot force me to present my views in the presence of those people.

: I certainly don%rsquot like to get involved in a fight like this. It certainly also is my duty to do what I am now doing. But it is also partly a quest of ego to get back at those people and try to regain my own position, which makes my situation more difficult. Of course, I did a higher self negotiation with Mystress back in the summer of 2005, and I have been advised to keep ego out of it. Therefore I have been very reluctant to take action to perform my duty. But still, if there is to be some changes as a result of such a negotiation, doesn%rsquot somebody have to take action? And now I actually feel a little bit like Arjuna. I am obligated to fight. I also have ego motives to fight, which forced me past the last resistance to act, but I suppose Arjuna might have had such too. Still, I don%rsquot want to fight. It%rsquos simply not my style. But Arjuna did not want to fight either. Still Krishna, who was the incarnation of the divine, actually advised hit to perform his duty. Maybe this is the right way for me too? Or should I just try to keep out of it by all means? I really don%rsquot know? My motives are a little bit too mixed up. But I suppose, as I have started I will go on with this quest at least. Still, another problem is, if I don%rsquot fight really effectively, I will most likely loose. So, I certainly don%rsquot like this new situation!

[Vyana]

Thank you! I suppose I just ran out of excuses, as I can no longer invoke even my own ego involvement. This is somewhat scary, as I have reason to believe I will be very lonely on my side in this fight. There are a few women I think sympathise with what I am trying to do, but I doubt any of them will dare to take my side. This is also the reason why I don%rsquot want the other managers to be there at the meeting. Most certainly I would be outnumbered by three to one. The arguments of the other side will no doubt be that I am the only one complaining, that everybody are against me and that my involvement is egoistic. Typical bully arguments, these are. Still, I just cannot go on thinking that I am good for nothing. I am by far best qualified to judge this matter. And who knows, somehow it might still work. The current prefect is leaving next summer and the position of the dean is really weak and there also seems to be some new scandals approaching, which will not exactly make her feel more comfortable. At least my requirement for quality and qualified people in responsible positions are well in line with the politics of the new government we just got in my country and political correctness has always been considered important at my workplace.

:   Hello, Vyana... I think you already know the answers to the questions you ask, and Jeremy's post echoed my own thoughts. Welcome, Jeremy.

:   Sometimes it is unconditional love to give a slap upside the head to a hysterical person.  You have seen me verbally whacking people here and on the list, and you know it is done of love... like a Zen Master's cane.  The surgery can be painful but the patent recovers... 85-95% of them thank me later, though sometimes it takes them a few years to see the love in it.

:    It takes a bigger love to do the tough stuff and appear the mean guy, than to hide and be apathetic.

:   I have suggested previously that your unwillingness to engage predators in your childhood was actually a karmic blockage, not wholly conscience or Divine will. Every bird has a right to defend its nest.  Sometimes turning the other cheek is not the right thing to do: the predator will go to prey on others if not stopped.  

:    Jeremy is correct, here or on my lists, it is part of my role and my duty to act as needed to promote the peace and emotional safety of the space.  In this cyberspace temple restraining people is rarely needed, on the K-list, more often.

:   When you are conscious that there is ego involved in a decision then you are not likely to be ruled by it... it is the shadow of the hidden ego that gives trouble. That is why we look into the "ugly mirror" to find our own hidden selfish motives... and sometimes, recognizing it the need to act disappears, and other times   I too prefer to bliss out in nonduality rather than engage people... but I also recognise that Goddess does sometimes use annoyance to get me up off my ass... to draw my attention to some place where "active surrender" is required.

:   "Active surrender is required here. You have to surrender to acting as you must, (despite your ego's preferences for non-involvement) to change your work environment. Goddess has you boxed in so there is no other option, and in the pyramid power structure of that group it is your role and your duty.

:   Funny thing about the manager wanting other managers to hear you... your reaction is kind of paranoid.  Ever occur to you that maybe they know something is not right and they really want your wisdom and support in making it better?  

:   Noblesse oblige. The strong care for the weak, the wealthy care for the poor, the wise counsel the foolish. Not to get into an ego hero trip, but a basic duty as a human being.  Honour, right action.

:    Blessings...  

[Vyana]

So, I did this today. The result was indeed grotesque. The incompetent manager who is in charge of the unit which I criticised took my criticism very personally. He got really upset and blamed me of being insolent. He also blamed me and the committee of being responsible for his faults as a result of not having objected to his previous reports. Then he attacked my competence by attacking the words I had used when writing a rather insignificant sentence in an article (the article wasn%rsquot relevant for the issue; my words were not wrong and it wouldn%rsquot have been a big deal if they had been). The reaction of the chairman of the committee and the staff manager (the prefect, who is a member of the committee and a chief bully) was maybe even more grotesque. They tried to redefine the problem to be about some philosophical disagreement or some personal antagonism between me and this incompetent manager. They also argued that somebody had to be in charge of this unit and that the person in charge had to make the relevant decisions. I had been instructed by the main manager (the dean) to address this issue in this committee. I had also been instructed by the chairman to give this speech at this occasion, for which the incompetent manager (and some other people whom the chairman thought would support him) was especially invited. Still the chairmen stopped me in the middle of my speech and declared that this was not the proper authority for my criticism. It would be really easy to make the incompetent manager%rsquos incompetence obvious to everyone, but it would probably put an end to his career and possible ruin his life.

:
: After a wonderful summer with a workshop with Mystress and many weeks spent in a state of mind that has felt close to bliss, I have the last weeks kind of crash-landed in the tough reality of my life in duality. Bullies are continuing their work to undermine my position, destroy my reputation and in this specific case to take away the few benefits I still have left. Probably their aim is to chase me away from my workplace. Part of my dilemma is that it would be easy indeed to fight back and conquer them, if I did allow myself to fight back with means of power. It would be easy indeed to more or less put an end to many of the bullies%rsquo careers. But ever since back in the schoolyard, when I was six, I have never been able to fight to hurt any other human being. It is as if was burn with, or learned in early years in my loving an caring home, that harming others is simply not acceptable. My conscience was very active back in those days and the feelings I had in my chest and stomach actually was in charge of my life %ndash with the effect that I was simply not allowed to do most of all that mischief which most of my friends where busy doing. When there was fighting, I simply was not allowed to defend myself effectively, which made me a popular victim for perpetrators at the schoolyard.

: This is still the same when it comes to work-place bullies as when it comes to school yard bullies. It would have been so easy to fight them back and really show them who is in charge. It would not be difficult to virtually put and end to many of their careers. Of course, I would have suffered myself from such a fight, but most likely I would have won and got out of it very much stronger and in a far better position than the one I am in to day. But my conscience has not allowed for that. Therefore, instead of fighting I have turned in other directions. First I tried to get another job. Then I tried to make money on the stock exchange. I have also sought other ways to make money. But none of this worked. All the time, things have happened to put an end to all my attempts to get around my difficulties or out of my stuck situation. It is as if the world has been forcing me to stay and deal with the situation. I have had nothing to do but to stay. But instead of effectively dealing with the situation in the outer world, I have turned inwards. I have sought information on bullying and analysed my situation. I have seen therapist. I have been meditating, practicing yoga and participating in this course.

: Today the situation is somewhat different. The person who is presently taking care of the duties for which the position I hold was once installed is far from competent to do a good job. Instead he is making a mess of it, which affects several hundreds of people in a way that might have sever consequences on their whole future lives. I am part of a committee which is obligated to comment on his reports on his job. Last year I just avoided the problem by getting sick or occupied by something else and did not read the report or go to the meeting. But this year I read the report and told the committee what I thought of it. My motives to actually do this, which I was obligated to, were partly from very egoistic. This manager did something very nasty to me. This took me out of my blissful state and when back in a state of duality thinking, I wanted to get back at him. But still, I am quite used to such events since many years, and this was mostly only the trigger that forced me to take action. Mostly, I acted because it was my duty to do so. This is a duty I have neglected for many years, because I did not want to hurt anyone.

: What I had to say was far from nice. Still my conscience did not react to it as I had expected. There was no power chakra reaction. Of course, people did not listen to what I said and there sure will be reactions. But still, the chairman had to do something, and he decided to postpone the meeting and invite the manager in question to listen to my critics. He also decided that two other persons (managers in the same position and maybe in similar situations when it comes to lack of competence too) would be present. Most likely his aim was to outnumber me, as I actually might get some support from some of the other committee members. However, my duty is only to the committee, and I suspect he cannot force me to present my views in the presence of those people.

: I certainly don%rsquot like to get involved in a fight like this. It certainly also is my duty to do what I am now doing. But it is also partly a quest of ego to get back at those people and try to regain my own position, which makes my situation more difficult. Of course, I did a higher self negotiation with Mystress back in the summer of 2005, and I have been advised to keep ego out of it. Therefore I have been very reluctant to take action to perform my duty. But still, if there is to be some changes as a result of such a negotiation, doesn%rsquot somebody have to take action? And now I actually feel a little bit like Arjuna. I am obligated to fight. I also have ego motives to fight, which forced me past the last resistance to act, but I suppose Arjuna might have had such too. Still, I don%rsquot want to fight. It%rsquos simply not my style. But Arjuna did not want to fight either. Still Krishna, who was the incarnation of the divine, actually advised hit to perform his duty. Maybe this is the right way for me too? Or should I just try to keep out of it by all means? I really don%rsquot know? My motives are a little bit too mixed up. But I suppose, as I have started I will go on with this quest at least. Still, another problem is, if I don%rsquot fight really effectively, I will most likely loose. So, I certainly don%rsquot like this new situation!