In the midnight lamentation when I've lost my eyes from weeping

[Barg]

Hey All,

I have been in such a bottomless pit of funk for quite a while now. Remember in my last post, I had all that libidinous energy flowing from the emails with old lover. That cooled down (he went overseas for a few weeks), and I settled into a really big depression.

A lot is about finances. Got laid off again, not much work around (because of the economy and stock market, which is very related to the work I've been doing).

Everywhere I turned, doors seemed to be slamming on me, yet I so much wanted to change my life from what it's been the last five or so years.

I hate the work I've been doing in big corporate law firms, who only want to help corporations eat up the world. They think any square inch of earth left in the public domain is an outrage. Privatize, Privatize, Privatize everything. To them (and to Bush) a tree is just future paper products or lumber. And the offices are deadening. Little beige cubicles stack on floors and floors of office building cages. It's insane to spend so much of one's life like that. That's how I feel about the work, and sure enough, I'm not able to get much of it.

Then, the other day, a friend of mine told me the the NYC Board of Ed is getting ready to spend 7 million on an ad campaign to attract more teachers, because they are desperate for teachers. I used to teach poetry in high schools as part of a special program for dropout prevention. I also taught college English as an adjunct, and I've been doing computer training in law firms for a while now. So I think I'm a perfect candidate to be a teacher.

I contacted the Board of Ed, ordered my transcripts from the university I attended, and will go in next week to apply. I hope this works out. I would have insurance again (haven't had that in a while), and summers off. But the best thing is, I'd be making money by doing something useful to this planet. And, I don't have to dress corporate (which is always hard for me--no matter what I put on, I never quite get it right and always feel I look like a beatnik).

I'm really broke right now, and don't quite know how I'm going to make ends meet till I get my first paycheck (IF I get the teaching job.) I have very good friends, and I'm sure they'll help me, but I hate so much to be in that positon.

I've not been doing any of the lessons, but I have been doing grounding. At night when I'm in bed, I can feel the energy in my body. I'm going to get back to the lessons, because they really help me a lot. To get in that head, and get out of the frazzled, frenzied head of desperation.

I'm also looking for some copy-writing or copy editing work to do on the side. But nothing has turned up yet.

However, I was thinking that perhaps this is Goddess working, shutting out that other dreadful work I hate to do so much, and turning me towards something more rewarding. I like to think of it that way. That there's intention somehow, though I don't fully believe it. I'm such a skeptic.

As for the email guy, he's coming in this weekend. We've had some incredible emails, and I feel so hooked into his sensibility, but it's so weird to meet in the flesh, because we both only know each other's physical presence of 30 years ago when we were passionate young lovers in the ancient mysts of our personal histories.

He says he's nervous about that too. I keep picturing that sweet young boy, and I'm sure he's picturing the young girl I was. I look pretty good. But I'm definitely older, and have no desire to try and look like a young coquette thing surrounded by cotton candy.

It will be what it will be. That's out of my hands.

Life is so lifelike sometimes. This whole political landscape in the USA is so frightening to me. It's like when I was a child growing up in a small sourthern baptist KKK ridden town in Arkansas, and felt like a total alien. I hope the Rapture happens soon and takes all those folks away, especially Backlashcroft.

So this is where I'm at tonight. Full of fear, yet thinking things are really changing.

It would be so nice if I could have a little fling with the old lover. Nice to feel that kind of body heat again. But I'm trying not to get distracted by that, because . . . I'm so available to distractions.

I need to learn to focus more on what I need to do. Focus and structure. I need to work on developing those two things.

Hope all of you are doing well. And big hug to you Mystress.

Bargsalot

[Lady C]

Hey Barg,

:Hey All,
:I have been in such a bottomless pit of funk for quite a while now. Remember in my last post, I had all that libidinous energy flowing from the emails with old lover. That cooled down (he went overseas for a few weeks), and I settled into a really big depression.

Ditto.  Maybe it%rsquos that time of year %ndash Feb is my toughest month in terms of funk.  Need more sunlight and warmth than I get I guess%hellipstress usually wins these days %ndash I feel like a pinball bouncing back and forth %ndash never get quite manic, but go from o.k. to livid or desperate in a millisec.

:A lot is about finances.

Yikes %ndash we%rsquore leading parallel lives!!!  Remember the work you got when you 1st started posting?  Keep the faith %ndash Goddess does provide!

:Everywhere I turned, doors seemed to be slamming on me%hellip.,

You know %ndash I used to be very politically minded.  Was on both the repub and dem list at listserv forever, always watched CNN and had an opinion about every talking head and his/her opinion on just about everything.  Know what I came up with?  They%rsquore all the same fucking guy.   (Remember the live version of %lsquoget it while you can%rsquo by Janis?%hellip..%rsquoit%rsquos all the same fucking day%rsquo)  But I digress.  Yea %ndash no matter what the issue is %ndash it%rsquos all the same %ndash the only thing that changes is which side is on which fence.  I fear none of them because that understanding I came to rendered all of them totally impotent.  They can%rsquot scare me anymore because of how ridiculous they are.  However %ndash the realization of the illusion the world politics is based on came at a price I guess %ndash it was during the riots in L.A. that it happened%hellipThere were a couple of ppl who could%rsquove stopped it (or done a lot to end it), but one chose to applaud it and the other to ignore it.  When I saw this %ndash what I considered a major abuse of power, I was blown away.  Couldn%rsquot believe this blatant exploitation of the mind of the masses.  I quit.  No more of my time or energy did the politicos get.  Not any of them.  

:I contacted the Board of Ed, ordered my transcripts from the university I attended, and will go in next week to apply. I hope this works out. I would have insurance again (haven't had that in a while), and summers off. But the best thing is, I'd be making money by doing something useful to this planet

Good luck to you.

:However, I was thinking that perhaps this is Goddess working, shutting out that other dreadful work I hate to do so much, and turning me towards something more rewarding. I like to think of it that way. That there's intention somehow, though I don't fully believe it. I'm such a skeptic.

I believe you%rsquore right %ndash trust it, the finances and politics and overall disgust with the world can be totally ungrounding, I know.  Grab that trust and give it to Her.  The skeptic will leave.

:As for the email guy

He%rsquos on the rebound, right?  Remember he probably won%rsquot hear a word you say.  : )  Fling sounds good.  Have fun%hellip..

Peace,
Carla

[Barg]

: Hey Barg,

Hey Carla, thanks for your comments. I read all yr posts and have a lot of empathy and sympathy for what yr going thru too.

: I believe you%rsquore right %ndash trust it, the finances and politics and overall disgust with the world can be totally ungrounding, I know.  Grab that trust and give it to Her.  The skeptic will leave.

The most amazing thing happened today. My brother has a lot of money, but he will never help me out unless I agree to convert to Christianity like he did. So I never even think of asking him. My sister-in-law is someone I've been friends with since grammar school, and I she called me today and asked me what was up. I told her I was trying to switch careers and go into teaching, cause there's no work now and I want to do something more beneficial to the planet, and she offered to send me $2000 to help me get thru the period without work. I was flabberghasted! She told me not to tell my bro, which I won't. But she's never done anything like that before. It's unbelieveable.

: :As for the email guy

: He%rsquos on the rebound, right?  Remember he probably won%rsquot hear a word you say.  : )  Fling sounds good.  Have fun%hellip..

Actually, he's not quite on the rebound, he's probably going to leave his wife soon, and he's trying to gather up the energy to do that. But we've been having incredibly honest emails, and developed quite a good friendship. We both acknowledge that there's sexual charge there, but we also both acknowledge that it's probably not wise to head straight there.

On the otherhand, I still wouldn't be surprised if we spend tomorrow night fucking our brains out. How I love the night of the living night! And it's been a while.

But I'm not looking for him to save my soul or anything. It's just that this new career possibility, my sis-in-law sending me money (sending it, not loaning it!), and him coming in has really turned my mood around. I'm cleaning like a mad woman.

But, I've been in the low valley, and I'm trying to stay grounded and not let myself fly too high. I don't want a big crash.

How's everyone else doing?

Peace all.

Barg

[Mystress]

: : Hey Barg,
: The most amazing thing happened today. My brother has a lot of money, but he will never help me out unless I agree to convert to Christianity like he did. So I never even think of asking him. My sister-in-law is someone I've been friends with since grammar school, and I she called me today and asked me what was up. I told her I was trying to switch careers and go into teaching, cause there's no work now and I want to do something more beneficial to the planet, and she offered to send me $2000 to help me get thru the period without work. I was flabberghasted! She told me not to tell my bro, which I won't. But she's never done anything like that before. It's unbelieveable.

Whoooo hooooo! Goddess has it handled. Grace is great, ain't it? Beautiful. That's how it works... the difference with enlightenment, is you skip the "crying my eyes out" part..

: On the otherhand, I still wouldn't be surprised if we spend tomorrow night fucking our brains out. How I love the night of the living night! And it's been a while.

Sounds like fun.. good stress break. Acts of love and pleasure..

: But I'm not looking for him to save my soul or anything. It's just that this new career possibility, my sis-in-law sending me money (sending it, not loaning it!), and him coming in has really turned my mood around. I'm cleaning like a mad woman.

Out with the old.. all these events probably served to clear out a lot of emotional junk, and now you are making the external match the internal. I need to do the same.. the internal is clear, but my home is chaotic.. tending to my cyberspace and not my living space.

: But, I've been in the low valley, and I'm trying to stay grounded and not let myself fly too high. I don't want a big crash.

Yep, that's the key.. phrase for staying balanced: "this too, will pass."

: How's everyone else doing?

I've been well..immersed in webdesign, setting up a whole new site to properly advertise my healing services. Link below. I have been quietly asking some people who have felt my talents for brief thank-you note testimonials for it. Kind of makes me blush to ask, but the responses I am getting, are very warming.
Got 5 new clients in the last few days.. what a hoot! People coming out of the woodwork.. very kewl!

When this new site is done, my next focus will be to redo the preview of this course.. I think it is much too long as it is, it needs to be short and sweet!

At that time, I will be asking all of you to write your impressions of the course for me, in a few words. Need to redo the testimonials page. The ones that are up are lovely, but they are all a bit long, and they are from students I taught one-on-one, before the course was up. Be great to post impressions from you who are actually in the process.
 After that I need to complete the last 7 lessons.. there are 58 lessons altogether, and since nobody is close to the end (I think.. at a lesson a week the course is over a year long.. and most of you seem to be progressing a bit slower than that..) I feel like there is no hurry.
I'm also busy writing 2 books.. my autobiography, and a book on K. working on the autobiography first.
druid and I are making plans to spend June sailing up the coast, and probably much of the K-book will be written, on that trip. druid says I can take my computer along.. Big sailboat, 36', sleeps 8. I'll be off-line that month, but I'm sure my graduate students will "hold the fort" for me while I'm gone.
  So.. life is beautiful!
   Blessings!

: Peace all.

: Barg

• http://www.fire-serpent.org/healing/">Angeliques healing page.