Masculinity, Right side of body stuff

[Gustaf]

I'd like to write a post about something, see if anyone has any insights and find out what Goddess will eat.

On and off since last year, I've had various physical symptoms and happenings, nearly all of them with the right side of my body. I've had some passing skin eruptions and boils on my right hip, buttock, under my right armpit, behind my right ear. Dry skin in my face, mostly on the right side.

When I went to the hospital they pretty much just gave me alcohol to treat it with. It's not severe anyhow. I was guided to check out a book with Louise Hay that shows the attitude behind various ailments.  Every single physical issue I've had relates to anger, and an angry outlook on life. Since last fall I've done various meditations on it, surrendered countless things. One of them a feeling of resentment of being "placed in this world against my will", and then spending most of my life resenting it. A lot of anger tends to get stored in the liver, so recently I've been moving the light there, searching for karma to come up and be cleared, issues to become visible and be surrendered.

Two more things have come to me lately. One was after reading the "Cross dressing" class. I realized that my masculine side has been avoided just as much as my feminine side, and that they both have wounds. Doing the feminine stuff is easy, but I never actually allowed myself to be a man. Right now I'm growing a beard, and will try out wearing some hot jeans and stuff like that again. Maybe even get some matching boots!  Anything that will allow me to feel really masculine (any tips would be appreciated)

Then another insight hit me with really high intensity. My hidden anger has manifested lately in playing computer wargames. Maneuvering tanks and crushing the enemy somehow gives me a certain sense of satisfaction.  Aftera 2-week campaign, the game crashed and refused to continue. Surprisingly enough I wasn't upset, but leaned back in my chair and pondered why it happened.
I laid down to meditate and started surrendering layer after layer of thought entering my consciousness. Suddenly this deep urge connected in me to pick up karate again.  When I was 14, I trained karate for over a year, quite intensively, but somehow lost touch with it. I have this feeling that my body wants to express and purge this pent up anger, which has from time to time instead come as very untimely fits and outbursts, or through the body, which is not all that comfortable either. It's 17 years since I practiced karate, yet, when this urge came, I remember it all, all the punches, kicks, katas, blocks, the whole thing... With the added feed of power chakra energy I didn't have back then. I started some of it during my lunch break today and it feels really really good. At one point yesterday, a martial arts master of some sort appeared in my minds eye..  pausing here while writing..   he tells me that I can give this energy direction and focus, rather than leaving it pent up and scattered.. He also tells me that it's a propery of the power chakra, that I can be a slave to anger, or I can master it.   Not in the sense of denying or renouncing anger, but being the master of channeling this energy (as in opposition to be channeled by it)

The signals Mystress has talked about, about the heartvoice, the blissful sensations in the body and so forth, when I am going the right direction.. those signals are loud and clear. And also I get the feeling that this outward expression of energy has something to do with my masculine side.

In gratitude for the space to share and surrender!
Namaste
Gustaf

[Scott]

Hi Gustaf,

I wake up every morning with a pain under my right rib wondering "what the heck is going on down there?". It is my first thought. A little bit of fear pops in my brain because I don't know how to handle it initially and I say to myself that I need a bit of grounding.

I think that positive masculine traits are honesty, truth, integrity, humility. But I dunno.

I think that video games are an excellent source for the mind to roam. I think that they are safe area for the imagination and emotions as long as they are not directed at any person.

A psychic told me that I have a lot of anger. It surprised me sort of because I didn't think I had a lot of anger. Then I thought about it some more and I wanted to actually go a bit deeper and see if I had a lot of anger. I knew I had at least some anger. But what is a lot? I dunno. Maybe enough that it was making me sick.

I found that certain activities unlocked areas of the self.

Using the energies of the body in the now, in the present activity is what I have been trying to do for a long time. I have been able to do it for a while but I couldn't sustain it too long before some stuff came up that I didn't know how to deal with which made me think that I was perhaps going in the wrong direction too quickly. However, the longer that I could be present, the more blessings seemed to arise.

Scott