HELP ME!

[DanielT]

 I wanted to expand Consciousness and experience psychic visions etc . .
So dropped 3 tabs of acid with some friends Saturday night.  During that time I lost all identity and all the barriers between the senses broke down.  I also was unable to hold any linear thought and all my thoughts spiraled in on themselves.  

All conversations and passions and everything of the world appeared as just a pointless and useless modification of reality and energy.  I was facing this huge primoridal fear and hoplessness while almost completely disconnected from the body.  I tried during this time to completely surrender everything because they say you should not resist anything you experience during an acid trip.

After the trip I regained my bodily control but the total lack of interest in anything, death of any ambition, tremendous depression, absolute hoplessness and the incredible fear of being alive in this state never left!!!

It is now Monday and it comes in waves.  I barely made it through my day at school.  I hoped this would pass but so far it has not and I'm really panicing!  The only relief seems to come in sleep but it returns shortly after waking.

Before this trip I was mentally stable and have never been on any medications in my life.  I'm 26.

I don't know what has happened.  Maybe I've seen too much. . maybe my soul has died, maybe I surrenedered myself to an entity.  Maybe and most likely I triggered a major chemical imbalance with the LSD.  

I might check myself into a mental crises or ER tonight or tommorrow if this state does not pass.  I don't want to tell anybody like my mother because she will get very frightened.

Can anybody give me any advice??  If I go to the mental health center I know they will give me all sorts of drugs to seperate myself from my feelings.  I may need that. . but that won't help with my lack of interestin anything.

I hope somebody can help me.

[Paris]

Hi--

I can't offer any help.  I have no experience with these problems.  But I thought it was important to let you know that your plea has been heard.  I will send energy.  Hopefully that will help some.

Paris

:  I wanted to expand Consciousness and experience psychic visions etc . .
: So dropped 3 tabs of acid with some friends Saturday night.  During that time I lost all identity and all the barriers between the senses broke down.  I also was unable to hold any linear thought and all my thoughts spiraled in on themselves.  

: All conversations and passions and everything of the world appeared as just a pointless and useless modification of reality and energy.  I was facing this huge primoridal fear and hoplessness while almost completely disconnected from the body.  I tried during this time to completely surrender everything because they say you should not resist anything you experience during an acid trip.

: After the trip I regained my bodily control but the total lack of interest in anything, death of any ambition, tremendous depression, absolute hoplessness and the incredible fear of being alive in this state never left!!!

: It is now Monday and it comes in waves.  I barely made it through my day at school.  I hoped this would pass but so far it has not and I'm really panicing!  The only relief seems to come in sleep but it returns shortly after waking.

: Before this trip I was mentally stable and have never been on any medications in my life.  I'm 26.

: I don't know what has happened.  Maybe I've seen too much. . maybe my soul has died, maybe I surrenedered myself to an entity.  Maybe and most likely I triggered a major chemical imbalance with the LSD.  

: I might check myself into a mental crises or ER tonight or tommorrow if this state does not pass.  I don't want to tell anybody like my mother because she will get very frightened.

: Can anybody give me any advice??  If I go to the mental health center I know they will give me all sorts of drugs to seperate myself from my feelings.  I may need that. . but that won't help with my lack of interestin anything.

: I hope somebody can help me.

[Elio]

Hello Daniel,
have you try grounding?

here are some thing you can read about a guy call brian649 I read in a forum:

ttp://www.learningstrategies.com/forum/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000452.html

maybe he can give you something insight.

Namaste

[Vyana]

I am certainly not qualified to offer any help, but maybe it might be of some comfort to hear that I have had short glimpses of similar nature too, especially before I started this course. When these were at their worse, I just tried to focus away from spiritual things. I did not know enough about grounding then, and did not get any advice from the yogi responsible for the course which triggered it all, so I often read books, listened to films, took long walks etc, just to keep my mind occupied with other things. Often I also practiced a lot of physical yoga, which I was told could take care of excessive energy. And after some time, I returned to normal and calmed down. When I felt as worse, I had a lot of muscular symptoms. All this happened as a result of yogic practices and healing and with no drugs involved. Mystress advice to pace your self slow and steady is %ndash I think %ndash excellent advice. There seems to be a limit to how much energy we can take in, and I seem to be very sensitive to that. The grounding exercise seems to make it possible to take in more energy and still stay calm and unaffected.

:  I wanted to expand Consciousness and experience psychic visions etc . .
: So dropped 3 tabs of acid with some friends Saturday night.  During that time I lost all identity and all the barriers between the senses broke down.  I also was unable to hold any linear thought and all my thoughts spiraled in on themselves.  

: All conversations and passions and everything of the world appeared as just a pointless and useless modification of reality and energy.  I was facing this huge primoridal fear and hoplessness while almost completely disconnected from the body.  I tried during this time to completely surrender everything because they say you should not resist anything you experience during an acid trip.

: After the trip I regained my bodily control but the total lack of interest in anything, death of any ambition, tremendous depression, absolute hoplessness and the incredible fear of being alive in this state never left!!!

: It is now Monday and it comes in waves.  I barely made it through my day at school.  I hoped this would pass but so far it has not and I'm really panicing!  The only relief seems to come in sleep but it returns shortly after waking.

: Before this trip I was mentally stable and have never been on any medications in my life.  I'm 26.

: I don't know what has happened.  Maybe I've seen too much. . maybe my soul has died, maybe I surrenedered myself to an entity.  Maybe and most likely I triggered a major chemical imbalance with the LSD.  

: I might check myself into a mental crises or ER tonight or tommorrow if this state does not pass.  I don't want to tell anybody like my mother because she will get very frightened.

: Can anybody give me any advice??  If I go to the mental health center I know they will give me all sorts of drugs to seperate myself from my feelings.  I may need that. . but that won't help with my lack of interestin anything.

: I hope somebody can help me.

[SandraC]

Daniel,

I have not had any experiences with substances such as acid, but for the past two weeks I have had experiences of barriers being broken down.  I'm in an emotionless state most of the time now, I feel like I'm detached from a lot of things and some times at night intense sadness overwhelms me, but then i go back to the motionless state and it goes together with a lot of peace.  I've been just getting by these past 2 weeks and trying to make myself get my interest back at work and my daily life.  I'm also 26, I don't know if age has something to do with that.

Although I'm not providing you any help at all, at least you know that there are more people experiencing what you are experiencing at this time.

Namaste,

Sandra C.

[DanielT]

Hey all,

Thanks SO MUCH for your support!

I thought I was pretty informed before doing this.  However I guess I kind of breezed over the stuff about bad trips thinking I was stable enough to not experience those.  Boy was I wrong!

Anyhow I have gone from unbearably, suicidally, depressed to severely depressed and as of about 5 o'clock I felt a release of the weight around my heart area and I only feel  midly depressed at the moment.  It is a huge relief.  But it comes and goes in waves, so it isn't over yet.  The anxiety attacks have abated too.  I think the anxiety attacks happened because I feared this state would be permanent.  I'm regaining my appetite and even had a sandwich a few minutes ago..  (I've only eaten a bit of fruit in the past 3 days.)

LSD blotter hits are really tiny squares of paper about 1 cm square.  ANd they only contain micrograms of LSD . .  however LSD is incredibly powerful.  I had read that because it comes in such small amounts, it leaves your system entirely after 24 hours.  I'm not so sure this is true.  I think mainly I have been traumatized and haunted by the experience.  As if I had witnessed my own death or the death of a beloved or some absolute horror.  I felt absolutly disconnected from life.

Whoever posted the LSD info links, thanks.  I've copied and pasted parts that describe my experience:

"But many users experience unpleasant reactions to LSD. Fear, anxiety, and depression may occur, even with experienced users who have had no prior adverse reactions. Calling these reactions "bad trips," users feel that they are losing their identity, disintegrating into nothingness, and that there is no reality."

Vivid 'pseudo-hallucinations' - i.e. where a part of the user conciousness thought is aware that the hallucinations of sight, sound, smell and touch are not real.
Distorted perceptions of time, where minutes can seem like hours.
Distorted perception of distance, perspective and colour. Small objects may seem huge and large objects small. A close object may seem to be very distant and a distant object very close.
Amplification of the relationship between the user and his/her surroundings - for some this may be a feeling of oneness with the universe, for others a feeling of terror and loneliness.
Apparent fusion of the senses, where sounds are 'seen', colors 'heard' and smells 'felt'.
Loss of control over thought processes, which can result in insignificant thoughts or objects taking on an importance out of proportion to their status.
I experience all of these things except for the "oneness with the universe"  the one thing I was hoping to experience.

[b0b]

Hi!

: "But many users experience unpleasant reactions to LSD. Fear, anxiety, and depression may occur, even with experienced users who have had no prior adverse reactions. Calling these reactions "bad trips," users feel that they are losing their identity, disintegrating into nothingness, and that there is no reality."

This is actually the point behind Buddhism.  If you are not ready to realize that everything around you is not actually reality, but merely a construction of our collective conciousness, then it can be a bad trip.  You have forced yourself into the actual facts of existence/non-existence before you were ready for it.

If you reach these states in a controlled manner, some would call it nirvana.  You have met the void that existed before creation.  From this void has come all that exists.  From this beginning state you can create your own universe.  All of what you describe are states of true reality. The problem being that we would rather see, confront and deal with what we have come to accept as normal in our physical lives.  When those well known and expected laws cease to operate, our minds can be overwhelmed by the experience.  

I think the reason you failed to notice the oneness is your refusal to be one with the void.

It is not an easy step to accept that there is power in nothing.  Nothing itself is a very difficult concept for us...in this world there is ALWAYS something, and NEVER nothing.

I would suggest surrender.  You are not going to lose yourself, but you may gain from the experience if you let goddess guide you through it.  Don't fight what you experience, or try to control it, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Love and Light!

b0b

: Vivid 'pseudo-hallucinations' - i.e. where a part of the user conciousness thought is aware that the hallucinations of sight, sound, smell and touch are not real.
: Distorted perceptions of time, where minutes can seem like hours.
: Distorted perception of distance, perspective and colour. Small objects may seem huge and large objects small. A close object may seem to be very distant and a distant object very close.
: Amplification of the relationship between the user and his/her surroundings - for some this may be a feeling of oneness with the universe, for others a feeling of terror and loneliness.
: Apparent fusion of the senses, where sounds are 'seen', colors 'heard' and smells 'felt'.
: Loss of control over thought processes, which can result in insignificant thoughts or objects taking on an importance out of proportion to their status.
: I experience all of these things except for the "oneness with the universe"  the one thing I was hoping to experience.

[Mystress]

  Daniel:

  This is kind of repetetive and rambly, the process is hard to describe.

 My first, and most terrifying ego death was also sudden, unexpected, and under the influence of 3 tickets... and while I had a supportive friend to help me over the hump,  it was still almost a year before I stopped getting "hand of death" the cold shivers on the back of my neck, whenever I had a shred of doubt about "everything is unfolding as it should".  Basic choice, trust to love and see perfection, or feel the cold creepy horror movie shivers.  Very motivating!

 I don't talk much about when my Shaman training  involved those tickets to altered consciousness, because even though I had ample preparation there were still moments where I felt like I was trying to hang onto my sanity with both hands while my body shook in terror and eliminated out of every orifice!

 It was right for me and I have no regrets, but it is not a path I encourage or would want anyone to emulate. Fools rush in, and acid has had more than a few casualties. LSD is an extremely powerful psychological reprogramming drug, and people who take it casually at parties are asking to be reprogramed by some idiot drunk. People who take a large dose (3 tickets!) with a specific yet vague intention like "expanding consciousness" might get more than they bargianed for.

 Still, from experience I can understand the process a whole lot better now and be able to hold your hand.  

 Daniel, you have done a very foolish thing, and you know it so I won't berate you. I will explain what happened. You prayed to expand your consciousness, from an ego desire, and got impatient and lit a fuse of dynamite under your ego and blew it out the door.  Your ego played with dynamite and accidentally blew itself up.

 Now your prayers are answered, your old ego is demolished, and you are in a new place with the few terrified shreds that remain, and trying to deal with your old self being gone and your attachment to your old life seeming remote.

 You know, in the essay about pacing, I warn of the most terrible Chinese Curse: May you clear all your karma by next week, and become enlightned." Now you know why it is a curse!  

  Take a few days off work... give yourself space and put your spiritual process, first. Take a week, to meditate and walk among trees, and touch the earth.  

  Ego cannot expand. Expansion is accomplished by dissolving ego and identifying with Infinite. Tantra is a slow but gentle way.  Asking to expand your consciousness and getting impatient with a jackhammer, popped your ego like a balloon and now you are trying to get a grip on how to be without it.

 You cannot get it back. I'm sorry. You will get back a new and better one that Goddess designs, and the more you can let go of the old sense of self the easier it will be.

 In mythology, the unconscious is considered the underworld. Your ego has died and is going through the Bardo levels of the book of the dead, facing levels of karma.
Here is where you are at: halfway through ego death, strolling through hell to get to rebirth.

In Dante, above the gates of hell it says "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." It is good advice, it means stay in the moment and trust Goddess has it handled, focus on love and you will make it through the journey,  to the portal to Heaven in the center. The light at the end of the tunnel.

 After heaven comes rebirth, but you are not to decide for yourself, or try to guess or control what the new you who will be reborn, is going to be like.  "Abandon all hope"  

 The good news is you can come out the other side with sanity... a new kind of sanity of expanded consciousness, but because you have been foolish, you weren't ready and so you get a bumpy road you must walk.. which is what you are experiencing.

 You are going through a *process*... a difficult one, but it has predictable stages and can be managed through attitude and understanding. That is what the Tibetan book of the dead is about, not just the path of the spirit after death, but the death-in-life and rebirth that is enlightenment.  That's where you are at.

 I suggest you get two books to help your understanding: A copy of the Bardo,- the Tibetan book of the Dead, and Dr. Stanislav Grof's book about his LSD testing. Dr. Grof is a foremost expert on Kundalini, LSD and consciousness/psychology.  

  You have started on a journey and you cannot go backwards.   You cannot offer resistance to Kundalini at this intensity because ... well, you have already seen how resistance flattens you with a steamroller of fear with the terror of madness.  That is why.

  You have to just try to stay out of the way while Kundalini rearranges your mind,  your sense of yourself and pretty much everything else about you. There is no putting humpty together again... not as he was before, but let go of trying. Spilt milk. Toasted. Goddess ate him.

  Keep surrendering your resistance, and loving the shadows that appear. Give them unconditional love and let them go... that will make the shivers pass more quickly.

  Value the detachment you are feeling, don't fight it. It will pass, but remain as a state of consciousness you can access at will.. the space most of my writing comes from!  Right now, it is Divine mercy of anaesthetic making it easier to surrender stuff.

 Aside from your fear that passion won't ever come back, the emotional distance is actually making the process easier, eh? The state of detachment, is the real guy. The peace of the "you" that has been observing this process happening, to write about it. The Witness perspective.  The chunk you lost, is illusion.

The great yawning shadow you experienced, that seemed to multiply your fear and hopelessness,  is not any kind of external entity. It is a part of you that usually only Shamans get to know. I know it feels like the worst demon but it only looks that way because it has a tough job to do. Its job is to scare you into not trying to keep any of your karma, and reflect your fears back so you can love and surrender them.  

 Its job normally, is to function as the guardian of the barrier between your conscious and unconscious mind.  Psychologically and mythologically it that barrier also represents the doorway and Angel of death.  You blew the doors off and your ego strolled through into death, now you are having a zombie experience of being dead, walking in the underworld, with all of the fear that is your karma, coming up in waves.  

  Sucks, but rebirth is on the way, once you have made it to the other side.  The light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reminding yourself that you prayed for an expanded consciousness, and Goddess provided with extras.

  You are right that you felt a part of yourself die: it was a big chunk of your ego... and part of its death was seeing that all its hopes and dreams were illusion. You were shown this to make it easier to let him go, and that is what you must do. Don't try to get him back, that is the worst resistance to smack your head with fear.  He will be reborn through the Goddess, to be the new You.

 The fear comes when you try to cling to any of the parts of "Daniel" that you felt die when you fell into the void, or try to resurrect them, or hope they will return.  That is not your decision to make, or your job.  The old ego doesn't get a vote in how the new reborn guy will be, that is up to Goddess and your soul.   Trust that if the new Daniel wants it, Goddess will give it back... and let go of everything that comes up for you, as if you have died.  

 The new Daniel will inherit the  body and property, but not his karma.  Anything you are trying to hold onto, is "Hope." You trying to control how your future reborn sense of self will be like,  will get your ass kicked.  

 If you were a classic monk, you would have been initiated into this state after years of preparation, and they actually would hold a funeral ritual for the old you, give away or burn most of your possessions, and invite all your family... so everyone would really understand that the old you is dead.  Then you would be declared a Siddhi and given a new name.

 You don't have that kind of support and preparation, nor are you really at that place or there would not be the remaining shred of you, yelling for help!
  Doing a funeral ritual of sorts (I"m not talking suicide!!) for the part of yourself you feel you have lost can be a powerful release.  Just let yourself be guided to do something simple, symbolic, and private.

Cleaning the physical place up and throwing away or packing away some of the stuff you are not feeling attached to anymore can be healthy.

 Allow yourself to be a little sentimental... the teddy bear you got from your grandmother might seem foreign now, but if you think it will make you smile when you are 60, or 80, then pack it away to let the reborn one decide, when he shows up.

 Don't go burning all your possessions, because it is not a physical death, it is all about a change in consciousness.  The internal process is the important thing.  The new you is not supported by a monastery,  and so your stuff is his inheritance. He might want to keep some bits... but that is not your decision to make, in the now.. or anytime soon.

 Don't make any major decisions in your life (like marriage, change of career, etc.) for at least 4 months. Just let ideas come up, and let them go.  Don't attach to any ideas about who you think the new Daniel is and what he is supposed to be here for. Learn to enjoy the free-fall of not knowing.

 When you get more comfortable with the detached space, you will find the peace of it to be deep and lovely beyond measure.  Your life goes on, and you will find spontaneous joy in the beauty of the life you are watching unfold.  You become more fully human than you can even imagine being, right now.    

 You cannot try to use "hope" to write a will to control anything about the future self that will be born. If you try to, the Guardian will spank you for trying to keep your karma and mail it to your future self... not allowed!  The reborn you gets a clean slate, and some clothes and stuff.   Keep the slate clean with the bits of free will that remain... keep surrendering everything.

 Move forward into rebirth, of your new consciousness in your old body.  Don't try to take any emotional baggage, hope, dreams, fears or beliefs with you.  Trust to your soul, it designed your body with a purpose in mind, and now that a large chunk of your ego has died, your soul has a clean slate, to move into the body and write a more beautiful life than anything the old Daniel could ever have imagined.  

 You stormed the gates and the Guardian let you in, and it is now acting as your guide and guardian as you wander through the underworld of your unconscious.  It is dark and shadowy because it is a reflection of your fear, not the source of it. The source, was your ego.  What you are feeling now, is your body releasing all the karma that your ego used to own, all at once... in waves... and the portal Guardian biting your ass with fear if you try to control outcomes, or do anything but offer unconditional love and surrender.  

 Who you are going to be reborn as, is for your soul to decide... and I assure you, your soul it is not lost or damaged, only very busy working with your Guardian to move out the old Daniel's stuff so the new one Goddess intended, can move in.  I know you loved the old Daniel but the detachment you feel from him now is part of the process. Don't resist it. It is to make it easier to surrender who you were... Goddess' merciful anaestesia.

  In hell, everything shows its shadow side: hope turns inside out into fear of the future and a desire to control outcomes. Notice the thoughts of fear of the future, or hope,  trigger the waves to intensify? This is the Guardian warning you "don't go there."   Your future is out of your hands, not for you to decide or try to imagine.  This is ultimate surrender of your life, to the path and will of your soul.

 Abandoning hope,  letting go of expectations for the future is the key to journeying through the karma that is being released by your sudden change of consciousness.... the bucket loads of fear you are feeling!
 If getting some sedatives makes things easier, then off to the clinic with you!

  On the other side is enlightenment... but as your process is bumpy, we will settle for stability!  Your consciousness, is halfway through the death and rebirth process.  Right now you are in the "being dead" part.  That is the hard part.

 The Guardian as acting to do its job, which is to reflect all the fears of your karma back to you so you can love and surrender them, and learn to not give any energy to the types of thoughts that trigger the awful fear.  Go forward on the journey you started.    

  This is Kundalini at work. The waves of fear are your body trying to catch up with an extremely sudden change of consciousness, and get you to release a lot of stuff very quickly to catch up. .. but it is also trying to teach you something about how not to think.

  When too much comes up all at once it can be very intense, but remind yourself "Goddess won't give you more than you can handle" and realize that as rough as it has been, you have handled it.  It may have been more than you thought you could handle!!! Maybe learned that you are stronger and weaker than you think.  

   You ego- your old sense of yourself, has died and its hope and dreams too. No worries, Goddess will give back better ones. What you are presently experiencing, is all the karma content of your ego that was stored in your body is coming up in waves to be released out your crown.  Ego, is made of fear and doubt.  Keep surrendering.

 You need to focus on love and faith. Remember that you love yourself, or you would not be so very scared... and there is a "you" that remains, that is scared and yelling for help.  Find a touchstone, the one thing that still has meaning to you, and use it as a focus to help to apply love to yourself when the fear rises... and keep surrendering!

 "Abandon all hope" the Future belongs to It will be as Goddess wills, and Goddess is Love.  Blessings!

[Scott E]

Hello Daniel,

I was a user of mushrooms (maybe once or twice a year for 2 years). The last experience was very bad. Some people do that kind of stuff and don't seem to feel any side effects, otheres like myself can't take it.

About a month later my first conscious experience with kundalini occured. I was surprised that the kundalini rising felt *IDENTICAL* to the last bad mushroom trip. My fears made it worse.

I find that a grounding meditation helps. I find it helps the brain. I found that experiencing detatchment was kind of nice for doing work. The stresses weren't there.

Remember to trust in Goddess!

In Goddess we trust,

Scott