Surrendering one's partner.

[Augustin]

(oops! It started as a simple response to Xerxenca, but it seems that it went further than that....)

Dear Xerxenca,

Thank you for sharing with us your story. It is very appropriate indeed to do so here... If it weren't, then what would be the purpose of this course be? We are all dealing with painful issues and this course is set up so that we can surrender to Goddess all this stuff so that we can at last see ourselves and each others for what we truly are, so that we can experience the bliss and the love that is truly ours.

Your story is very moving. As a male, I don't think I have any advice to give you... Actually, you are dealing with the whole situation with a lot of strength and faith and one can only admire you for that. I don't know which lesson you are up to but their are a few lessons later in the course that deal with sexuality issues. One thing that Mystress wrote in one of them and which rings very true is that women bear 90% of the responsibility/risk of sexual (and emotional) encounters with men... Yet many men can't cope with their 10% share, maybe just like me, in the past. You, on the other hand, courageously took 100% of the responsibility, did the best you could given the circumstances and come out stronger, more loving, more free... You are blessed!

Partners, male and female, just mirror each other in a relationship. At times, this mirror game can be very painful indeed! It is true that most males are looking for their mothers within their partners. I am (was?) no exception. It is so easy for us to blame our girlfriends, wives for not being motherly, nurturing enough! Many of us know how to use the mothers' instinct of our partner to make them feel guilty about everything that goes wrong within a relationship.

I am blessed to have found a wife who could be terribly cold when I most needed her emotional support. Her inertia and her ability to ignore my feelings was what helped me to go deeper within my own heart, towards Goddess, to find the nurturing love I needed.

A year ago, after Mystress gave me Shaktipat, as I was having even more problems with my wife, I observed how I was tempted to transfer my 'mother projection' from my wife to Mystress. I fell in love with Angelique not as a young man falls in love with his bride but as a child who is in love with his mother. I noticed that and I was aware both that it was pointless to project my need of motherly love to yet another woman and that Mystress would not play that game with me anyway.

That's why, for months after she gave me Shaktipat, I did not contact Mystress Angelique. At that time, she told me everything that I needed to hear. She told me that during difficult times, I could call on her higher being for help but that the only thing I really needed to do it turn towards my inner Goddess. I knew that she was busy and that the best way to honor her teaching was not to come crying, clinging to her petticoats, each time I got hurt.

So, during difficult times, I could not rely on my wife, I could not rely on Mystress, a guru whom I admired a lot and who is now my spiritual teacher (in this course), I could not rely on some trusted friends who synchronisticaly went silent... Nobody was there to mirror me! Just me... and Goddess! :-)

During those months, I faced some terribly lonely moments and I thought a lot of Mystress... ...and each time remembered her words that led me to offer my tears to my very own inner Goddess. I was learning to give myself the power to love myself. A lot of healing stuff happened. The most important one was to realize that I did not need to be healed in the first place, I don't need to be saved, there is nothing wrong with my life... My fears were melting like a devil sculpted in ice under the summer sun of the tropical country where I currently live.

The grounding meditation that I now do out of habit led me much further along the way to fearlessness, to self-love, to Goddess...

My wife notices and comments on the fact that I look much happier, much more peaceful. My facial expression ('the color of my face' as she says in Chinese) has changed.

I am changing fast. I am evolving (though I recognize that I don't need to evolve at all!).

What happens to a couple when one partner puts all his energy and attention towards self development whilst the other one is *seemingly* engrossed in earning money and social status?

In those circumstances, won't the mirror get broken, both partners stop mirroring each other? I dealt with my father issues years ago, and my wife doesn't seem to have much unsolved issues with her father either. I just successfully dealt with my mother issues (at least the most obvious upper layer of the onion) but my wife hasn't... she still holds a lot of fears that are rooted in her teenage year when she identified with her mother's emotional distress because of her father's extra-marital affairs...

As long as we were mirroring each other's fear, we belonged to each other. We often had violent and emotionally painful arguments. She would 'divorce' me, fearing that I'd turn into her mother's husband (who is the same person but not the same character as her father, whom she loves a lot. Her father is indeed a very nice person), not caring for my pleas to find a way to mend the situation. The next day, she would calm down, her anger dissipating under the soothing words of her husband (who is afraid of loosing his mother). And then, the relationship would resume as if nothing ever happened. Each time it would leave me with a feeling of uneasiness because I knew that the underlying issue had not been dealt with... I knew it would come back, letting me wondering when the 'real' divorce would happen.

Our anger and our fears triggered a chain reaction that nourished itself on our undealt with issues. To her anger, I would react with even more anger... the vicious circle.

But the vicious circle is now broken. I am no longer looking for motherly love outside of myself.

There comes a time when one has to surrender. Everything has to be surrendered. One thing at a time.

Goddess provided me with the opportunity to surrender my wife.

A mail I had just received from a friend prompted me to (once more) ask my wife: what would your reaction be if I had a sexual encounter with another woman? I am free, aren't I?

In the past she had already told me that I was free. Yet I knew she was not of one mind on this topic. It sounds awful and uncaring for a man to ask this kind of question to his wife and this probably points at some issues I have yet to deal with, issues regarding my whole sexuality. I am not judging myself though. I am just trying to be honest with myself and with my wife about the fact that I am not of one mind about monogamy. I am free and whether I choose to use this freedom is my decision, my responsibility. The fact is that my wife is the only woman I have physically known for the last 8 years.

So I asked her.

Sure enough, her mood suddenly turned sour. The same way she ignored my feelings when I was completely collapsing under the weight of my own emotional stuff, forcing me to go to Goddess to find what I was seeking, the same way I refused to get caught in her play. I 'cold-heartedly' and methodically reflected her own stuff back to her. As you can guess, it was not long before she called for a divorce. She was out of herself.

As I said, there was one important difference this time. The mirror was broken. The vicious circle was no longer a circle.

Instead of adding my anger and fears to her own, I remained calm and fearless. Yet my wife did not accuse me of being cold and uncaring. She commented that she's not as advanced as me and that she's still unable to cope with this kind of idea. She's had those fears for 15 years and she can't deal with it. She asked for divorce and she looked angry and determined enough that I believed her. I did get scared at this point but grounded myself again in no time. Goddess has it handled. Whether we actually get divorced or not, Goddess knows best. Instead of trying to cling to my wife, maybe it is time for me to move on... Goddess, thy will be done. I gave up my wife.

Then I proceeded to point out to her that she usually changes her mind the next day. How long this time would she need to change her mind? Using Gurdjieff and Ouspensky's terminology (The Fourth Way), we have many 'egos', thousands of them that mostly do not know each other. We have 'buffers' that prevent all those egos to collide into each other. Egos mostly ignore the existence of other egos. What I tried to do is to introduce one of my wife's ego to another one: now you say you want to divorce me, but tomorrow you'll say something else. You have to choose. You cannot use divorce as a threat each time you are not happy about something. Please make up your mind on whether you want to live with me or not. You know my qualities and you know my faults. I am not pretending anything and I am open and honest about my weaknesses. You choose.

She heard me well but her pride prevented her to admit anything. We slept, together, over it. The next morning, last Sunday, I did not want to pick up again the 'pretend nothing happened' game. So we talked. I hugged her. She had some mood swings but she had already given up on the idea of divorce. I inquired about her motivation behind her change of mind. It was partly because she couldn't be bothered to actually go through all the divorce procedures and suffer the social stigma associated with it. However bad I am, it's still less bothersome to carry on living with me. So I questioned her further: when will she have enough strength to go all the way to the actual divorce?

Calmly, we talked further and deeper to the roots of the issues. She started to mirror my attitude of cooperation and instead of rejecting anything I said, as she used to do, she was listening, open to conciliation, open to the healing opportunity. We will not divorce. We will stay together because we have so much more to learn together.

Still within my arms, she started to be restless, she had what looked like spasms. I remember the first time she had some like that. It was over 6 years ago, when we started to practice Sexual Alchemy. That's probably at that time that my Kundalini woke up, at least partially. I just did not realize it at that time. Whilst I was transmuting the sexual energy, I felt the heat up my spine, around the back of  my head to my third eye where I felt the pressure from the energy. My wife did not have the same experience as me, which let her to doubt the validity of the teachings we received at that time. Of course, that led us to many arguments and to us stopping practicing Alchemy. That probably was a blessing because I obviously was not prepared to deal with a full Kundalini blast.

Anyway, I remember once, when we were sexually united during our practice, she started to move uncontrollably. She wouldn't sit still on my linguam. It bothered me that she thus disrupted our meditation. I took it as a lack of commitment from her. At that time, though we had been instructed about Kundalini and the art of awakening it, I had never been told about Kriyas, so I had no way to understand the phenomenon. Thanks to the K-list, I now know much more about this, and I know how to deal with it...

So this time around, I could explain to my wife what was happening to her and I could guide her through it. Don't resist, let it flow. That's your stuff breaking loose. Surrender it to Goddess. Surrender it to Kuan Shi Yin Buddha (she is very devoted to Kuan Yin). Give it to her, as a present. Tell her it is a present for her, that she can do what she wants with it. You have to authorize her to take it, otherwise she won't touch it. She respects your free will. My wife listened to me, which is something new to me. :-)  She quietly prayed and suddenly, she was quiet again. Peaceful. She said she felt much more relaxed, much lighter. Then it started again, and we repeated the process, then she felt better again. Yet  again, my wife started to feel bad and it occurred to me that I forgot the last part of the 'spell'. Trust Goddess that she does her job and turn your attention to other business. My wife certainly has a lot of faith in Kuan Yin. So we both started to talk about other things and when she felt ready and relaxed enough, we started to make love.

She wanted to have a look of one of my magazine, but we were both too lazy to get out of the bed to get them. Instead, I asked her to tell me about her sexual fantasies. What kind of man does she dream of? What would his personality be? How would they make love? She started to describe the personality of that man. All  his qualities: tender, gentle, caring of her and caring of the whole society. A man who do not pay attention to others insulting him... even including the fact that he does not look at other women but has his eyes always set on her.  Then she stopped as if to get more acquainted with that new person in her life. When she started speaking again, she was much more graphic and beautifully described their simple yet very sweet love making. When her dream man came in her, she turned her attention back to me. She was ready and... it was my turn ;-)  Our lovemaking was very sweet.

Later, I pointed out that her description of her 'mister right' very much included all my qualities. So ready she is (was) to see my faults, she barely noticed my qualities. Including that about my eyes always being set on her. I am open to her, look at her but she did not usually  notice it, busy as she was looking elsewhere. We often eat outside. Here the restaurants are quite cheap. They all provide newspapers and have a television set on. It was often a subject of argument that we'd pretend to be together but, as I was looking forward to communicate to her, she'd the one to turn her eyes away, preferring to read the newspaper or more attracted to the TV.  Yes, I am her 'bai ma wang zi', the 'prince charming with the white horse' that she described in her fantasies. If not me, then it is... her own divine inner self, the one she'll discover during her own sacred marriage with her unconscious.

Since then, my wife looks much more relaxed. She accepts me as I am. Both full of weaknesses and qualities. And I accept her like wise. We still mirror each other, but the mirror has changed. The divine alchemy of marriage. I surrendered my wife to Goddess. She was really mine so Goddess send her back to me, only better.

---
Xerxenca,  you surrendered your baby. As a man, I can only imagine what kind of physical, emotional and mental pain a woman goes through during this process. Goddess will give is back to you, not better for one cannot get babies better and purer than they already are. What will be better will be the environment, the ability to provide the baby with everything they need, the ability to get more support from people around you, maybe even a man, a good one, the one whom Goddess is grooming for you, on your behalf, and who will appear in your life as you surrender your search for Mister Right. I have already heard stories of souls who come twice to the same mother because the first time it didn't get the opportunity to be born. Be happy. The soul will come back for you.

As a man, and given my own weaknesses and limits, there is no advice I can give you. There is no comforting word I can tell you. What is left to me, is to admit how much I admire you for your courage, your strength, you dedication to your spiritual path. It is obvious that you have what you need. Thank you for sharing your story and may you be well.
---

The day after what may be our last 'divorce', I read the lesson in this course about surrendering and about attachments. Surrender to Goddess everything and she'll give back much better stuff. Goddess, this is for you. This is a present. Thank you very much.

Now, I am officially free to have lovers.
Anyone interested?

Seriously, had I really been looking for lovers, I would have already done so. I cannot promise that given a unique opportunity with an attractive woman, I will not commit what is usually termed 'adultery. I don't feel bound by this society's (hypocrite) values. I feel free. On this aspect, I have felt free for a long time, but now the difference is that my wife is more open and understanding about it. It is not the first time she tells me that I can have sex with other women, but I was aware that she was not of one mind about it. And she did change her mind several times. I believe that now, she only has one mind left about it, having surrendered the rest to Goddess.

Meanwhile, I am free. That means that I am also free NOT to have extra-marital affairs. If I don't, it'll be because I am not interested or that I simply choose not to. It won't be because I'd feel guilty about it, because I feel afraid of the consequences, because I force myself to repress my sexual urges. I am free to redirect my sexual energy the way I choose. If I do meet another woman, I won't have to lie about it and, in any case, I will certainly never abandon my wife.

At the beginning of 2000, I decided to play the role of a student. There were a lot of stuff I wanted to learn. I created my reality and, indeed, throughout the year, I learned a lot.  I joined several courses from Spirit Web and of course, I joined this course. I am not the same man as before. My parents, who came here to visit me one year ago, would be shocked at the difference. So much peace where so much anger used to be. A lot happened in between. I struggled a lot... to get the point that I don't need to struggle. I did a lot to find out that nothing needs to be DONE. The reality we choose to experience just needs to be BEEN. All in all, I have been a good student!

For the year 2001, I wish to truly develop a relation with Goddess. Of course, I have already started, but it seems that I am still a bit too distant. I wish to build up the relationship. As it happens, I am reading 'Communion With God' by N.D. Walsh. And there is this course lovingly designed by Mystress to empower us to be a slave to Goddess, her submissive lover. God says to N.D. Walsh that we usually consider God/dess as a Father/Mother figure but we can develop the relationship to the point where the Divine becomes a trusted friend, a lover. Mystress has written a few lessons about the Sacred Marriage, sexual union with our Divine Unconscious.

When the student is ready, the master appears. At the right time, Mystress appeared to me last year and she is now leading me to my next teacher: Goddess.

All this is the aspect I wish to explore throughout this year... and throughout the eternal now.

Maybe the reason my wife set me free and allowed me to date other women is just so that I can start having sex with Goddess.... It is too early to tell but Goddess may be the only woman I will know beside my wife. Now, I am experimenting in redirecting my sexual fantasies from my mental pictures to Goddess. Where I was projecting outwards, I am learning to surrender inwards. This is only a beginning for me. I don't know how successful I'll be... but I don't really care. I just do my best and it'll be good enough.

I don't need to tell you that I don't fully understand what I am really talking about... but I'll keep you posted on what happens next.

Thanks,

Augustin.

[james]

:
: (oops! It started as a simple response to Xerxenca, but it seems that it went further than that....)

Yes, it did, but I found so very much in your words and the story you have told in this post.  Thank you.  

It is encouraging to me to realize that surrendering to Goddess does not necessarily mean that nothing will remain of my current life.  Only that it actually does belong to Goddess, and I may recieve it back from Her once I accept that it is Hers to give.

I wonder if others who read your comments have similar feelings, or if it is because I have only just started in Mystress' course, and am still practicing Grounding, much less total surrender.

james

[Augustin]

: Yes, it did, but I found so very much in your words and the story you have told in this post.  Thank you.  

You're welcome. :-)

: It is encouraging to me to realize that surrendering to Goddess does not necessarily mean that nothing will remain of my current life.

Well, when we are fully united to Goddess and that we disincarnate, I guess that by then nothing would remain of our life as we now it now ;-)
It's just that there are many steps along the way and that we need to grow in faith, surrendering more and more... We came here, in this life, to experience things so it wouldn't make sense for Goddess to take it all away at once. We just need to build up a relationship with Her and trust that she actually knows best how to lead our lives.

: Only that it actually does belong to Goddess, and I may receive it back from Her once I accept that it is Hers to give.

Yes, what is useful to us at this stage, Goddess will give it back to us after we've surrendered it, only better. What doesn't serve any purpose any more, she'll keep.

: I wonder if others who read your comments have similar feelings, or if it is because I have only just started in Mystress' course,

This course is only a few months old, so basically, we are all beginners, apart from a few individuals who have learned with Mystress well before this course was set up.

: and am still practicing Grounding,

So am I... I finished doing the 8*45 meditation, yet I continue practicing. I practice very much out of habit now, but I am still practicing... I still have a lot to learn about grounding. That's only the beginning.

: much less total surrender.

Wow! Total Surrender? That's a big word, and I don't know much about it... Surrender is a practice too, a life long practice. We start to surrender small stuff. Big stuff, we'll surrender them only if we're desperate, when we have no other choice.

"less" surrender? Less than whom? less that what? We're all beginners compared to what we'll be next year and we're all masters compared to what we were last year (at least, ideally...). Let's concentrate on surrendering what we can at the present moment.

I think I guess what you mean... Our lives as it stands now is familiar to us. There is some fear to step unto the unknown as we surrender to Goddess. What if Goddess hadn't given my wife back to me? What next? I don't even live in my country. Should I try to carry on my life here or go back home? Would I be kicked out of the country by the immigration police? When the mind gets caught in such speculation, it can get pretty scary. So the mind says, yes, my life now is not ideal but I know what I am dealing with. The mind doesn't like change but things do change. People change jobs, change partners, change home, change ideas, even our mind changes... Yet, we remain afraid of change.

Even in the midst of change, there are some things we cling to...

It reminds me of the story of that Jewish woman, during WW2. She was sent to a concentration camp. She'd lost everything already. Her job, her house, her family, all of her material possessions and all of her friends, some having betrayed her, some having preceded her to the gas chamber. She only had what was on her mind, what was in her heart and what was on her body left. Then, she was asked to strip naked. The gas chamber was next. An eye witness saw her, waiting for her fate, standing there with nothing left to her name, stark naked but for a hat she was clinging to, the hat she still wouldn't surrender five minutes before her death. The witness cried seeing her... with her hat, she looked so much more human than the other women. Human beings define themselves by what they cling to...

The question is: how much do we know Goddess, how much to trust her, how much are we willing to surrender to her, how much are we willing to step into the unknown.... scary? Let's get grounded. One step at a time, we'll get there...

Anyway...

It's nice to hear from you, James.

Be well.
We'll get there together...

Love,

Augustin

[Mystress]

:
: (oops! It started as a simple response to Xerxenca, but it seems that it went further than that....)

I m glad of it! Augustin, this story is really beautiful. you have grown so much since we first met, it is astonishing! You speak with a peace, wisdom and grace of surrender that is inspiring.
 You seem to be so clear in your mind that I really don't have any comments to make, just to thank you for sharing it with us all.
   Blessings!

: I don't need to tell you that I don't fully understand what I am really talking about... but I'll keep you posted on what happens next.

: Thanks,

: Augustin.

[Augustin]

: I m glad of it! Augustin, this story is really beautiful. you have grown so much since we first met, it is astonishing! You speak with a peace, wisdom and grace of surrender that is inspiring.
:   You seem to be so clear in your mind that I really don't have any comments to make, just to thank you for sharing it with us all.
:     Blessings!

:-D   (Very Big Smile!)

Thanks!

Augustin.