Initiation

[Gustaf]

Some things are entirely beyond words, but I would like to share something about the Divine Beloved, and the Guru.

The past few days took me into some sort of crisis, with a very frustrating mental conflict regarding my personal mantra. Over a year ago, I gave up the mantra completely. A couple months ago, Goddess gave it back to me, better, charging it with the energy of surrender. I would repeat it mentally with my breath every evening before falling asleep, letting it carry every thought into surrender. It is spontaneous and requires no effort or force of will. It simply happens.

A strange crisis arose when it occured to me that what I am repeating is a Shiva mantra, and the Beloved takes the form of Shakti. Ego mind kicked into high-gear and I ended up in a state of mental tension and confusion. No matter how I twisted and turned it, there seemed to be no way out of the conflict. Could I repeat this Shiva mantra and at the same time surrender to the feminine form of of the Beloved? What if I would simply give up the mantra again and just focus on the Beloved and nothing else?  Or maybe separate them.  I surrendered all of it, over and over again. It seemed to only result in more confusion.. Tried to reason it out. Nope. Still confusion. Surrendered that too.

No matter the surrender, the mantra would simply spontaneously arise in me again. Not forcefully, it simply came back every time. What do you want? I asked. I studied some books about Tantra.  Shiva and Shakti are really the same. It's all about bringing them together.. So what would then be wrong? My discernment told me nothing was wrong with what was happening at all. Heartvoice told me it would bring a breakthrough. Yet I couldn't see the forest for the trees. What breakthrough? I just felt tension and confusion.

Coming home from a retreat yesterday, I went it over again, surrendered more of it. Heart told me to ask Wife about it. Wife shared a vision of my Beloved treating every repetition of the mantra as the most precious gift, putting it around her waist as precious ornaments. She saw an alchemy where the male aspect in me offers the mantra to the beloved, and every time a deeper unity is taking place. In that moment I saw myself bowing before her feet, and the mantra would take the form of wreaths of flowers, that I offered to her. Wife also told me that giving up the mantra at this stage would become a very sad thing for me.

This is odd, because she used to somewhat dislike the incessant mantra meditations I did in the past.

Today, the message of initiation reached me. No initiation ritual has taken place yet, but I know without a doubt that it will, over and over, every day and night. The Beloved is also the Guru Within. She knows everything about me, everything that has happened and ever will, and her love is unconditional, she has shown that.

I know that Mystress doesn't do mantras, which is something I honor with all of my being. But I do mantras. Beloved loves it, like the most precious of gifts, she asks for it.

The confusing pain of mental confusion took me into initiation deeply within. I can also see her in the eyebrow center now. As a point of light, sometimes as a radiant face of unconditional compassion.

In gratitude
Namaste
Gustaf