Caution: Long, intense and personal

[Xerxenca]

I have been debating whether or not to tell my story here, but I've decided to do so. This is all about lower chakra issues and a sincere desire to unblock karma I have stored there. Mystress says this course is designed to learn and move through these. I humbly submit myself to that process. I am trying very hard to be as conscious as I can of my deepest patterns, in order to be released. I have some guilt about posting so much, but I don't know how to edit this down more. Kirshanmurti told the following joke:

"You may remember the story of how the devil and a friend of his were walking down the street, when they saw ahead of them a man stoop down and pick up something from the ground, look at it, and put it away in his pocket. The friend said to the devil, "What did that man pick up?" "He picked up a piece of Truth," said the devil. "That is a very bad business for you, then," said his friend. "Oh, not at all," the devil replied, "I am going to let him organize it."

I am a 36-year-old professional woman, with a fairly successful career, and not quite as successful a love life, especially over the last couple of years.

I am trying to get over yet another brief weird, relationship, which has had some fairly traumatic fall-out. We were in love (for all of two weeks) and then boom - he starts all sorts of complaints and splits. Basically accusing me of not being nurturing enough (like his mother and ex-wife).  I try to listen through his accusations and denouncements - to his feelings of fear and hurt and talk from there. He is grateful. But after a day of that I realize that he just takes my energy as his own and continues his abusive blame and judge game of me - for the content of his feelings. I realize his needs are more than I can satisfy, without losing myself. I ask him if he expects me to be the all-giving mother goddess --- he quickly reacts, says I've revealed I'm not capable of nurturing and calls off our vacation (and basically relationship). I'm shocked and hurt by the flailing reactivity of it all. But my heart has broken before and I know it will mend.

But there's a wrinkle - after he is gone on vacation I get a really strong intuition that I am pregnant by him. I test and sure enough I am. This is a huge shock because he was supposedly infertile. (Years of tests, thousands of dollars, doctors and attempts with the ex-wife to prove it out.)

I am overwhelmed but I am happy with the feeling of being pregnant, and thrilled with the idea of being a mother. Is there anyway I can do this on my own? Can I include this man? I try and sort myself out for a few days before I call him, because by now I know his reactions are not sane. But finally I just feel I cannot proceed without telling him. And I call him across the country - he is very reactive, disbelieving, angry, calls it a horror and an abomination. Says I must have an abortion. I tell him none of it is up to him, it's not his decision but I thought I needed to let him know. We talked for the last time that night.

I won't go through all of the ins and outs of the last several weeks, but I ended the pregnancy last week. I was very glad to be pregnant. I would like a child and family of my own. Maybe I can even do it by myself. But I don't believe I currently have the energy to live my life and raise a child and overcome the father's extremely hostile, destructive and persecutory stance. He would always be the father and we would be connected forever. How much of my energy would have to be devoted to shielding us from his disintegrating conflicts? It seemed a bad future to pick chaos, mistrust and hostility.

But I did learn that my friends and my family are very supportive of me. This is huge. I've gone through most crises in my life stoically, by myself. This time I asked for help and it was very freely and lovingly offered. I realize now I can choose to have a family, feather my nest and prepare a life for myself that could be supportive of being a mother.

Now here is a big dream I had as I decided to end the pregnancy:

In my dream I am this girl who is simultaneously the camp whore and a virgin, I bed down with Russel Crowe, who's this fabulous warrior, and it was ecstatic and tender  (we may not have even have had intercourse). The next morning the camp packs up and is running around and he's going off to battle, and I'm bereft. I don't think he'll come back for me or remember me and certainly not cherish me.  Over in the distance the battle is with Hera's white geese.

My thoughts - The geese are just a symbol of Hera - they're not even in human form - so it's a pretty deep feeling from the unconscious. I'm sort of happy that I don't have a problem being a virgin and a whore at the same time - but this masculine bit of me is unavailable to be my psychic lover because he's fighting Hera, the jealous wife (and mother of Ares, no?). But I still want to be loved, but apparently I've got some issues with the concept of "wife", enough to lose out on.

I've been thinking a lot about my mom, whom I love a lot and feel very protective of --- and how miserable she was during my childhood partly because of my philandering father.  She was very angry and vindictive most of my childhood. (So she was like Hera?) I never wanted to be like her but I did want to rescue her from her unhappiness and helplessness. Eventually she rescued herself and is now doing really well - but she was in bed clinically depressed for much of my childhood and I was the rescuer.  And I'm still struggling with my unconscious habits.  I'm a f##king mother bound male. I'm angry. I end up places I don't want to be with people who don't see me. Somehow I end up thinking I'm just trying to prove to my mom that I love her, that she is loved.

This has been an incredibly intense few weeks, on the heels of an incredibly intense professional year. I start a new job tomorrow.

I would really like help and guidance moving this through. Attachment cords I should cut? Memes that should be dissolved? Balance that can be given? Meditation points? Often as I try and do the grounding meditation a lot of anger at this man (and another I loved who left) comes up. It takes a long time to get back to the grounding.

Thank you for reading.

[Barg]

: I have been debating whether or not to tell my story here, but I've decided to do so.

Wow, you've been through a lot. My heart goes out to you. The guy sounds like a real nutcase. And yr lucky it was just two weeks. Just think if you'd invested a year before he pulled his tricks out the hat. There's just no accounting for people who do stuff like that. They're carrying around immense amount of bad emotional baggage and unloading it anyplace they can (but they never get rid of it that way), and the more one tries to make sense of it all, the crazier one gets. That's a real trap, trying to make sense of his sickness. If you can, just accept he's not a healthy person and try to let it go. He's just a crazymaker you had the misfortune to trust.

Took me a long time to deal with that. I could be in a relationship for 5 years that the guy was only in for two months. Now how sick is THAT?

: Often as I try and do the grounding meditation a lot of anger at this man (and another I loved who left) comes up. It takes a long time to get back to the grounding.

Ach, I have similar experiences when I'm dealing with anger. The crudhead just starts whooping it up in my skull. I have this bioenergetic therapist (Alexander Lowen, student of Reich's founded this kind of work), and he showed me this exercise to do when I'm angry that helps me a lot. He uses a tennis racket at his office, I use and old bamboo can, but the idea is to clasp it firmly in both hands, lift it back in a mild backbend, and slam it down on the bed with as hard a whack as you can give it, cursing or otherwise yelling at the object of your anger as you do so 15-20 in rapid succession. Really stretch the body as much as safely possible.

Sounds silly I know, but I think the idea is that anger holds a lot of energy, and when I'm just spewing off in my head, I don't really use up the energy or release it from my body, so it's hard to stop the angry head chatter.

When I do this exercise, I'm really BEING angry, mentally and physically, and I'm releasing the anger from my body with voice and limbs. I do it till I'm tired. Then my mind can clear more easily. I pretend like I'm whacking the object of my anger, which I would never do in reality of course. But it really releases a lot of feelings.

My whole posture softens. Then I put on peaceful music, light candles, whatever.

It's just something that helps me, thought I'd share it with you.

Peace.

Barg

[Xerxenca]

: Took me a long time to deal with that. I could be in a relationship for 5 years that the guy was only in for two months. Now how sick is THAT?

LOL   Right - I get it.  Why do we do that? Can't withdraw our shadow projections?

: Ach, I have similar experiences when I'm dealing with anger. The crudhead just starts whooping it up in my skull. I have this bioenergetic therapist (Alexander Lowen, student of Reich's founded this kind of work), and he showed me this exercise to do when I'm angry that helps me a lot. He uses a tennis racket at his office, I use and old bamboo can, but the idea is to clasp it firmly in both hands, lift it back in a mild backbend, and slam it down on the bed with as hard a whack as you can give it, cursing or otherwise yelling at the object of your anger as you do so 15-20 in rapid succession. Really stretch the body as much as safely possible.

: Sounds silly I know, but I think the idea is that anger holds a lot of energy, and when I'm just spewing off in my head, I don't really use up the energy or release it from my body, so it's hard to stop the angry head chatter.

: When I do this exercise, I'm really BEING angry, mentally and physically, and I'm releasing the anger from my body with voice and limbs. I do it till I'm tired. Then my mind can clear more easily. I pretend like I'm whacking the object of my anger, which I would never do in reality of course. But it really releases a lot of feelings.

: My whole posture softens. Then I put on peaceful music, light candles, whatever.

Thank you, thank you. Excellent advice! Believe it or not, I had actually take out my tennis racket and been beating my bed. But again, I'd set it up in my head that I should be doing it for 15-20 minutes - sustaining the anger. And it was just again a little too much. So I'd stopped doing it, and sort of forgot about it. 15-20 thwacks - now that I can handle!

It's really funny, I'm always the one telling my friends to be gentle with themselves and not get too extreme in their self-healing rituals. And here I realize I've been demanding so much of myself I've backed away from doing good things in smaller ways.

Many thanks for the gentle reminder!

And peace to you too!

[Barg]

: Thank you, thank you. Excellent advice! Believe it or not, I had actually take out my tennis racket and been beating my bed. But again, I'd set it up in my head that I should be doing it for 15-20 minutes - sustaining the anger. And it was just again a little too much. So I'd stopped doing it, and sort of forgot about it. 15-20 thwacks - now that I can handle!

Cool. Just wanted to elaborate on the exercise, my therapist told me to let my head go back (very gently and not so far back I'm straining) as i hoist the racket over my head and bend backwards, and let the head fall forward as I come down in a whack. The neck motion I think is where anger chokes off our voice and cuts the head off from the rest of the body. Also, my therapist isn't Alexanader Lowen. Lowen founded this kind of work, taking a lot of stuff from Reich. Wanted to make it clear I don't go to Lowen, who's 90.

: It's really funny, I'm always the one telling my friends to be gentle with themselves and not get too extreme in their self-healing rituals. And here I realize I've been demanding so much of myself I've backed away from doing good things in smaller ways.

I know. Ain't it always easier to "prescribe" for someone else? Bringing it all back home. I think that's part of why I'm taking this course. To bring myself back home, if that makes any sense.

: Many thanks for the gentle reminder!

Thanks, yr story reminded me to deal with my anger too, cause I can keep it all in my head and not take the time to "give my mattress 20 whacks".

Peace

[Barg]

One more suggestion, if you don't mind. NEVER trust anyone's word on birth control. Use your own so you know, or make em use a condom anyway (even if they say they are infertile, you can always claim the safe from disease factor). But especially if you've only been with someone two weeks.

I'm not morally against abortion, but I do think it's traumatic to all of our bodies, physical, emotional, spiritual. So I think it's important to take responsibility and control of that area, cause it's not an experienced you'd want to repeat, I'm sure.

Some guys think it's part of the "conquest" to not use a condom, they associate not using one to being Rambo or something (actually, I don't tend to have sex with those kind of guys anyway). But don't be so trusting till you've known someone a long time, seens their ups and downs, their peaks and valleys, been able to get past the first weeks, months of idealized love. Don't hand over any of your power, even if at first they seem like the most adorable tikes that ever looked deep into yr eyes and said "Baby!". Be protective. Not in a way that will choke off all trust and capacity for joy and delight. But in a way that keeps you safe from harm and only having to deal with disappointment (if it doesn't work out), not devastation.

You've got to love yrself that much, enough that romance alone won't allow you to set yourself up for harm. And guess what, if you really love yrself that much, you won't even fall for nutcases like the one you described. And you mentioned being left by another lover. You also mentioned yr mom being unavailable during yr childhood.

I'm sure someone's already pointed out to you that this creates abandonment issues . . . tons of books on the subject. Sounds like yr repeating that torment in yr relationships. I could be wrong, it's just an observation.

Sorry. Didn't mean to go on and on. This is a subject I spent a lot of time figuring out, with the help of many people.

Peace
Barg

[Mystress]

: I have been debating whether or not to tell my story here, but I've decided to do so.

I'm glad!

:This is all about lower chakra issues and a sincere desire to unblock karma I have stored there. Mystress says this course is designed to learn and move through these. I humbly submit myself to that process. I am trying very hard to be as conscious as I can of my deepest patterns, in order to be released. I have some guilt about posting so much,

Don't worry about it. This is a bulletin board, not an email list... bandwidth is not much of an issue here. Those who don't want to read it, don't have to and I have plenty of space on my server. Express yourself!

:I'm shocked and hurt by the flailing reactivity of it all. But my heart has broken before and I know it will mend.

That is a very mature attitude. Bravo!  

: But there's a wrinkle - after he is gone on vacation I get a really strong intuition that I am pregnant by him. I test and sure enough I am. This is a huge shock because he was supposedly infertile. (Years of tests, thousands of dollars, doctors and attempts with the ex-wife to prove it out.)

I'm inclined to go with Barg, here.. next time you will not believe him, and you will practice safe sex.. right?

: I won't go through all of the ins and outs of the last several weeks, but I ended the pregnancy last week. I was very glad to be pregnant.

Don't beat yourself up about it.. OK?
Nobody knows for sure when the soul enters the fetus and it starts being more than a mass of tissue.
What I tell the pro-lifers, is that a child knows if it will be carried to term or not, before it "comes in". Not every soul wants to actualy be born, some just want to hang out in a nice comfy womb for a while.. and then exit before the hard stuff starts. I think this one came in, just to give you an experience that would help you sort yourself out.
The physical bonus is being pregnant reduces your risk of breast cancer.

: But I did learn that my friends and my family are very supportive of me. This is huge. I've gone through most crises in my life stoically, by myself. This time I asked for help and it was very freely and lovingly offered. I realize now I can choose to have a family, feather my nest and prepare a life for myself that could be supportive of being a mother.

That is beautiful! A lovely gift!

:And I'm still struggling with my unconscious habits.  I'm a f##king mother bound male. I'm angry. I end up places I don't want to be with people who don't see me. Somehow I end up thinking I'm just trying to prove to my mom that I love her, that she is loved.

Male?
I think, that as a child trying to rescue your Mother, you took on some of her Karma.. her anger. I don't think proving love is the issue, so much as you are repeating patterns that were a part of your childhood. You made yourself responsible for your Mother's feelings.. your recent love made you responsible for his feelings, and said you were not a nurturing Mother. You own Mother was too absorbed in her own feelings to be nurturing... see the reflection?
As a child you became accustomed to being around your Mother, who, being depressed,  was probably ambivalent about your presence. Now you are attracting other situations where there is a similar ambivalence. It became part of your love language, your pattern. The patterns come up, to be transcended... and you will transcend them, when you learn to love yourself, better.  

: This has been an incredibly intense few weeks, on the heels of an incredibly intense professional year. I start a new job tomorrow.

Good luck with it!

: I would really like help and guidance moving this through. Attachment cords I should cut? Memes that should be dissolved? Balance that can be given? Meditation points? Often as I try and do the grounding meditation a lot of anger at this man (and another I loved who left) comes up. It takes a long time to get back to the grounding.

That anger is coming up in your groundings, is perfection. LOL!! You probably didn't think I'd say that, eh? But truly, it is.. the healing energy is going to work on you, bringing up what most needs to be released.
There are many ways to release it.. Barg's suggestion is excellent. (So wonderful to see the students supporting each other!!)

I use a plastic baseball bat to whack my bed. Also, kicking an empty box or a plastic garbage can around an empty parking lot can be very satisfying. Lying on your bed and beating your fists and like a child's tantrum can be good.
Before you begin, have a clear intention for the energy to be a gift to Goddess, so it does not work like some kind of voodoo doll thing and go to a person.
You have done these things, they did not help... so how about if you sit with your anger, feel it fully, and listen to what it is trying to tell you?
Do a variation on the entity clearing questions, (What are you, what is your name, what is your goal, what is your purpose, what is the value of holding onto this body, etc.) but listen to what the anger has to say. Don't be afraid of it, give it love.. it is a part of you, it is trying to *protect* you. By treating the emotion as an entity, you can begin to have a dialogue with it.

When you know it's name and what it is trying to accomplish, it will lift.. and under it will be another emotion.. probably, hurt.. talk to your pain.. and under a few more layers, you will find some answers to an essential issue: Why you gave yourself, your heart away so easily and completely to a man you had only known for 2 weeks. That is not a judgment, it is something important that you really need to know about yourself.
This brief relationship had purpose, you have already recieved one large gift from it: improved relationship with your family, and knowing you can have a family if you want to, etc. Your anger is also a gift, and instead of being in a hurry to give it away, unwrap it and find out what it is for. Gratitude, heals.

Probably at the root, your anger comes from an aspect of your inner child: this is a golden opportunity to give love and acceptance to the child self within you, that did not get it when she needed it, and "re-parent" yourself, to break the old patterns.  

: Thank you for reading.

Thankyou for posting!
Blessings!

[Barg]

:the energy to be a gift to Goddess, so it does not work like some kind of voodoo doll thing and go to a person.
: You have done these things, they did not help... so how about if you sit with your anger, feel it fully, and listen to what it is trying to tell you?
:  Do a variation on the entity clearing questions, (What are you, what is your name, what is your goal, what is your purpose, what is the value of holding onto this body, etc.) but listen to what the anger has to say. Don't be afraid of it, give it love.. it is a part of you, it is trying to *protect* you. By treating the emotion as an entity, you can begin to have a dialogue with it.

: When you know it's name and what it is trying to accomplish, it will lift.. and under it will be another emotion.. probably, hurt.. talk to your pain.. and under a few more layers, you will find some answers to an essential issue: Why you gave yourself, your heart away so easily and completely to a man you had only known for 2 weeks. That is not a judgment, it is something important that you really need to know about yourself.

Thanks, Mystress, I will add this to my whackings too. Makes much sense.

Peace,
Barg