slippery concepts

[Kimberly]

Hi everybody. I have been taking these classes for a while now,  but I haven't been posting, so if it seems I'm new here, thats why.

Tonight, I'll probably be making two posts, because I have two separate questions that I'd like to see if I can gather some more insight on.

When I got to the lesson about meeting your Divine Beloved, and having conversations with him/her, etc. I found myself feeling angry while watching the video the first time. I felt bitter and filled with loathing for the very idea of my soul-mate being within myself. It was as if I suddenly felt jipped, ya know? Like somebody was telling me that the person I'd been searching for all my life was only a fantasy and that it was not possible that I'd ever find him, and thus it was not possible that I'd ever truly "connect" with that one special person who would finish my sentences, and share my interests and so on.

But slowly, I started to warm to the idea of the divine beloved being within myself, and I released these negative feelings about it, asking my divine beloved to help me connect with him.

The problem is, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to do that. Mystress says to have conversations with him, to talk to him, but I never feel or hear any responses. I imagine that perfect guy that I've always longed to meet, but the image is too fuzzy for me to even make out, because all my life the only thing I've ever wanted to find in a guy was that sense of belonging, love and shared interests. I never had an ideal of any kind, other than those things. So, now, I can't really picture what my divine beloved is supposed to be like. When I try to talk to him, I feel like I'm talking to an empty space. This makes it even more difficult for me to surrender to him, because I feel like I should be able to at least glimpse that unconditional love that he's supposed to have for me, but... I can't.

I've had several dreams in the past few months where there is a guy who honestly and whole-heartedly likes me and is attracted to me and everything, and I wake up from those dreams feeling wonderful, but when I try to remember that feeling of being wanted and cherished for who I am, its very very difficult to hold in my mind, it seems to slip away very quickly.

And recently, when going back through the videos as we're supposed to do, I came to the one about talking to the heart voice. And I realized that I seem to have problems with that one too. I make sure I'm grounded, but when I try to picture a light near my heart, for some reason, it is an image that simply will not come to mind. It is as if my mind slips past the idea and refuses to let me settle my thoughts there with a picture that I want. (This doesn't happen with all of the images I'm given, most of them I can do, such as the grounding exercize. I have no problems with picturing those things in my mind) And when I try to talk to my heart voice, again, I don't seem to get any response at all. There are no negatives coming back to me and no positives. Just nothing. I don't understand why this is.

I'm not sure why it is, but since I began my spiritual path, there have been many random things/thoughts/concepts that have had this particular feel of slipping through my mental fingers. I have yet to figure out why exactly they do it. And the only connection I see between any of them is that they always have that feeling of my mind slipping past them, like a finger on a balloon covered in shaving cream. They glance off my perception and simply refuse to allow me to focus on them no matter what methods I try. Its like one part of my brain knows these thoughts/concepts are there and what they mean, but the other part just won't focus on it enough to allow me to have an emotional or spiritual contemplation or connection with it.

Can anybody give me any insights into what it is that is causing these odd experiences or how I might better approach the idea of the heart voice and the divine beloved?

Thanks for any help you can give me!

Namaste,

Kimberly

[Vyana]

I don%rsquot know if I can give you any of what you asked for, but I sure have partly similar experiences, and other experiences to prove that this course, and kundalini and the spiritual path in general, can work in mysterious ways. I think I was in my youth a very visual person; still I lost the ability to make internal images somewhere in my late teens or in my twenties. That ability only comes back now and then for a short while (a few seconds-a few weeks), so most of the time I don%rsquot have it. That sure makes all the visualizations very difficult! I most of the time have to do them with feelings (kinaesthetic representations) instead.

The grounding works, because I can easily feel the energy, and I have actually arrived at a point where I wonder what good the pictures would be, if I could not feel the energy! Still, now and than there comes images, although most often not the once I am trying to create. For instance, just the other day, when I brought down energy from the sun the second time, the sun was divided in eight sun-images and seven of them ascended into my seven chakras to stay there. Still, most of the time, I have no or very bad quality images, that change all the time and very fast.

When it comes to the heart voice, I am not sure if I have ever got any visual images of the light ball in my chest. Still, I can focus a lot of energy there and feel it more like a ball of energy. When it comes to answers, I was quite convinced I got none until I noticed that my heart chakra sort of powered up by it self when I asked myself important questions when I was not practising. The thing is, my heart voice response was just more energy in the chest and more blissful feelings, and when I turned my awareness away from the heart and focused on my breathing and on my feet, I never noticed those responses during the exercise!

The divine beloved is a very difficult subject for me to. The thing is, I am attracted to all kinds of girls (although they have some traits in common). And when it comes to my dreams at night, there is most often a girl. But she is like the girl in the old Beatles song, who changes with every new day. Sometimes she is blond, sometimes dark hair, sometimes blue eyes, sometimes green and so on. So, when I try to focus on one form I just get confused. I love her in all her appearances! (Wow! That was a STRONG heart chakra YES!)

In my case, most exercises have worked kind of backwards. The first time, they work perfectly. After that, they hardly work at all. My experiences of the divine beloved started with her talking to me, several months before I got to the lesson. Then I have been trying to reconnect, but failed. When I think of it, I am not even sure I have her in my dreams at night anymore! House spell, computer spell etc, they all seemed to work perfect first time. Some of those I have not even dared to try to go back to!

Today I am meditating on heart chakra and power chakra, but as other chakras get energized I tend to take them in to. So, for now I tend to start and end with going through all the chakras one by one (from the bottom to the top and then back again). The first time I meditated on my power chakra I had the experience of the kind of enlightenment Mystress describes as connected with that chakra. After that I have just been trying to reconstruct that experience. But what I have got is a depression instead.

The whole spiritual path also seems to work backwards for me. It%rsquos as if it started with spontaneous experiences rather similar to enlightenment (or at least closer to it then I have been afterwards) when I was 12. After that, I have just tried to reconstruct those experiences. When I boosted my probably already awakened kundalini with a lot of strong kundalini yoga exercises two years ago, it took me to a state of constant bliss for three weeks. After that it was more like hell for three months.

What I am trying to say with this, I don%rsquot really know, or cannot put in words. I don%rsquot know why things are not as we expect them to or why they tend to slip through our mental fingers, if it%rsquos not just because we need to learn something or need to have that experience for some other reason. But it seems to me that the experiences are indeed very individual and that my expectations about how it should be might sometime be the only problem, when things seem not to work.

[Mystress]

: Hi everybody. I have been taking these classes for a while now,  but I haven't been posting, so if it seems I'm new here, thats why.

Nice to hear from you again.

: Tonight, I'll probably be making two posts, because I have two separate questions that I'd like to see if I can gather some more insight on.

: When I got to the lesson about meeting your Divine Beloved, and having conversations with him/her, etc. I found myself feeling angry while watching the video the first time. I felt bitter and filled with loathing for the very idea of my soul-mate being within myself. It was as if I suddenly felt jipped, ya know? Like somebody was telling me that the person I'd been searching for all my life was only a fantasy and that it was not possible that I'd ever find him, and thus it was not possible that I'd ever truly "connect" with that one special person who would finish my sentences, and share my interests and so on.

Your feelings are completely natural. "True Love" is a huge part of our cultural brainwashing, probably the dominant theme in the west. I find a lot of people get upset to discover there is no soul mate Santa Claus, completely unwilling to let go of the Cinderella faerie tale they were promised in song and story.

: But slowly, I started to warm to the idea of the divine beloved being within myself, and I released these negative feelings about it, asking my divine beloved to help me connect with him.

Cool!

: The problem is, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to do that.

Ah! Yeah, it always has been a tricky thing to explain. Remembering your childhood dream guy is part of it, like dialing a number.. but your DB may perfer to appear in a different form, so you have to be open to what may come... while still being discerning enough to dump the impostors who may also appear.

:Mystress says to have conversations with him, to talk to him, but I never feel or hear any responses.

I am surprised at that... I suspect the responses are coming, but perhaps sublte and unrecognised. Sometimes when you first begin calling, what comes up are subtle physical sensations of blockages that are interfering with reception.
 Ever notice you talk to yourself, in your head? next time you notice it happening, ask who you are talking to?

I imagine that perfect guy that I've always longed to meet, but the image is too fuzzy for me to even make out, because all my life the only thing I've ever wanted to find in a guy was that sense of belonging, love and shared interests.

Then focus on that, rather than a physical idea.

: I'm not sure why it is, but since I began my spiritual path, there have been many random things/thoughts/concepts that have had this particular feel of slipping through my mental fingers. I have yet to figure out why exactly they do it. And the only connection I see between any of them is that they always have that feeling of my mind slipping past them, like a finger on a balloon covered in shaving cream. They glance off my perception and simply refuse to allow me to focus on them no matter what methods I try. Its like one part of my brain knows these thoughts/concepts are there and what they mean, but the other part just won't focus on it enough to allow me to have an emotional or spiritual contemplation or connection with it.

Ah, the elephant in the livingroom.
There are a few reasons why this can happen. Sometimes it has to do with vibrations. Insights gained at a higher vibration can be slippery to bring down to daily life, if the higher chakras are not fully opened.
 Another thing is,  sometimes something will work once, to let you know it is possible and empower you with faith, then you will get set back a few steps so you can clear out what is in the way of the understanding becoming permanent.

 The third thing is the more likely one here, I think... and that is when a bit of your shadow-self is protecting something you cannot face about yourself. It is like having an invisible elephant in your living room, protected by a force field. You cannot see the elephant, and the force field deflects you when you get too close.
 You have made the first and most important step, to recognise that *something* is there, blocking and deflecting some thoughts and experiences. The next step is to be a CSI and start to investigate all around the places where you got deflected, until the evidence begins to make a pattern. Shape of the shadow.

 It takes a combination of determination, being "on the case" or on the trail of the investigation, combined with surrender and passive receptivity to any insights Goddess might provide. Cannot really outsmart the shadow or the ego, but show enough interest in getting past the issue and Goddess provides.

 It will be something that you are very invested in thinking you are not. Recognising the elephant tends to be painful, but sparks such growth there are no regrets.

 Blessings!!

: Can anybody give me any insights into what it is that is causing these odd experiences or how I might better approach the idea of the heart voice and the divine beloved?

: Thanks for any help you can give me!

: Namaste,

: Kimberly