I don’t know what it is, but is just don’t feel right

[Vyana]

I feel I need to ask a question at this magic board. Still, I am not sure what I should ask. My problem seems so abstract, as if I cannot really get hold on it. It manifests in many different ways %ndash or at least I feel as if the basic problem is the same. I also feel as if I have had this problem in the background most of my life and that it has made me kind of confused and in some way or at some level even paralyzed the last few years. Still, I am not even able to say if this problem has had a major impact on my life or if it%rsquos just a minor source of irritation.

(1) Sometimes I perceive it as mere lack of self confidence imposed on me by others.

(2) Sometimes I perceive it as my conscience working over time. Whatever I consider doing or not doing, or believing or not believing, I feel as if my major concern is if it could be wrong, if it could be a mistake, if it%rsquos really worth investing time and efforts in etc.

(3) Sometimes I perceive it as a conflict between spiritual and material values. I believe I had my first kundalini awakening experience about the same time as my 13th birthday. Since I was 15 years old I have tried to combine spiritual and material ambitions. I have made progress both in my work and in my spiritual development, I believe. But I still have a feeling that there might be a conflict somewhere and that I might have to make some kind of choice or decision.

(4) Sometime I perceive it as a conflict or lack of contact %ndash or cooperation or trust %ndash between my conscious mind and my subconscious. I have some observations that might indicate there is such a conflict or lack of contact. For instance, my memory could certainly be much better. I often forget the things that I have decided to remember. I even forget about the grounding exercise. On the other hand I often remember important events in detail. I also have severe problems making visual images in my mind or making them stay. The visual images when I do the grounding are a mess. For instance, today there came a moon on a stormy and rainy night instead of the sun. Sometimes the flower goes into my head with the prana. On the other hand, some periods I have had no problems at all with making visual images with great details and high quality. I often experience resistance when I try to use therapy methods that work with the subconscious mind (my lack of ability to se internal images is part of the problem). I also have problems getting in touch with my heart voice.

Somehow I feel these peaces belong together, but I just cannot make them match properly. Maybe someone looking at it from the outside can give me a clue?

[Percyval]

: Somehow I feel these peaces belong together, but I just cannot make them match properly. Maybe someone looking at it from the outside can give me a clue?

hi Vyana,

this may not be applicable to your situation... but i occasionally experience depresssion based on neurolgical illness, and not any specific depressing thing going on in my life...

it makes me look at everything thru a dark glass, and simply feels like the pit of my gut telling me that something is terribly wrong... your description felt similar to what i experience at these times...

do you think it can be depression?

warmly,

percyval

[Vyana]

Thank you percyval! I suppose you are right. There might be depression involved, or even at the root of my problem. I don%rsquot feel as you describe. Actually, I feel good most of the time, especially since my tummo initiation with Mystress in February. And my problem is not occasional. It is there most of the time %ndash and manifests in different situations %ndash which probably has made it harder to detect and also makes it more difficult to identify (as it has been too familiar for me to even notice it before). Therefore I thought it was just some kind of issue coming up, when I started to be more and more aware of its presence. But I also have some tokens of depression:

(5) I often wake up very early in the morning and then have difficulties to fall asleep again. This started quite a few years ago and was then caused by another family member waking me up very early, which now and then still happens. So it might just be a kind of habit. But waking up early is also often mentioned as a sign of depression.

(6) I feel as if there is some kind of veil over my perception. This is partly based on frequent experiences of a different state of mind, so filled with clarity that it makes my normal state of mind appear almost like a dream. Partly, I think this might also be a result of my problems with squinting and myopia. As a child I was a very visual person, but during my teens I changed and today I am more kinaesthetic. Maybe as a result of this change, I also lost my ability of making magnificent inner visual images. But it is not lost all of the time; it comes back now and then. For instance, after I did a strong breathing exercise last fall I had a strong awakening experience where I faced a lot of tiredness and came into a very nice state of mind. During that period my ability to make inner visions was restored. But I lost it again, as that elevated state gradually faded away during a month or so.

(7) I just don%rsquot feel like making any major changes in my life right now, such as starting a new business, even if there are some good reasons for doing that. Since my tummo initiation I have felt as if I am here just to have experiences and basically to enjoy life as it is. So, I am having a kind of time-out, which has actually lasted since summer 2002. At that time I was highly motivated but not able to go on with my ideas because I had severe stomach problems. Today those are practically gone, although I still have some problems with to much stomach acid, and I would probably be able to face new challenges. But, for some reason, I just don%rsquot feel like doing that, which could also be a sign of depression.

[Percyval]

: Thank you percyval! I suppose you are right. There might be depression involved, or even at the root of my problem. I don%rsquot feel as you describe. Actually, I feel good most of the time, especially since my tummo initiation with Mystress in February. And my problem is not occasional. It is there most of the time %ndash and manifests in different situations %ndash which probably has made it harder to detect and also makes it more difficult to identify (as it has been too familiar for me to even notice it before). Therefore I thought it was just some kind of issue coming up, when I started to be more and more aware of its presence. But I also have some tokens of depression: (snip)

hi Vyana... i have found that depresssion can be ritually surrendered to Goddess, just like so many other problems... i usually find just asking Goddess to take it as a gift works well... then i get well grounded and visualize any darkness in my field rising up out my Crown as Goddess accepts my gift...

so, as Mystress has taught us, whether or not it's something other than depression, surrender is often best with as little focus or definition on what is being surrendered...

warmly,

percyval

[Vyana]

Yes, you are right! Surrender is always a good advice. I have tried it before with this problem in general, but not in all details. Now I am trying it again, while mentioning both the problem as a whole and the seven different symptoms I perceive. Hopefully it will work better that way. At least I have a lot of energy in my body after trying. But some issues just do not go away with surrender or the tummo fire. I need to understand what they are all about, before I can surrender them. That seems difficult in this case, because the issue is so hard to get hold of.

[Mystress]

 Hello, Vyana:

 I feel you are simply in a state of waiting. Maybe inertia, but to me it appears to be just a K phase, that will pass in its own time.

 It is always good to follow your bliss, and making a step toward a goal often will spark the synchronicities to help things move forward, but it happens when the time is right.

 To me it feels where you have tipped the balance to where surrender has become more autopilot, there is a lot of processing going on "underground" the unconscious evolving and you are anaestetized from it... the result is a certain unclear restlessness and with it a lack of anything to focus the restlessness on, so you do not make attachments.
 Keep focusing on surrender, and trust that if Goddess wants you to know something, She can make sure you get the message.

 Blessings...

: Thank you percyval! I suppose you are right. There might be depression involved, or even at the root of my problem. I don%rsquot feel as you describe. Actually, I feel good most of the time, especially since my tummo initiation with Mystress in February. And my problem is not occasional. It is there most of the time %ndash and manifests in different situations %ndash which probably has made it harder to detect and also makes it more difficult to identify (as it has been too familiar for me to even notice it before). Therefore I thought it was just some kind of issue coming up, when I started to be more and more aware of its presence. But I also have some tokens of depression:

: (5) I often wake up very early in the morning and then have difficulties to fall asleep again. This started quite a few years ago and was then caused by another family member waking me up very early, which now and then still happens. So it might just be a kind of habit. But waking up early is also often mentioned as a sign of depression.

: (6) I feel as if there is some kind of veil over my perception. This is partly based on frequent experiences of a different state of mind, so filled with clarity that it makes my normal state of mind appear almost like a dream. Partly, I think this might also be a result of my problems with squinting and myopia. As a child I was a very visual person, but during my teens I changed and today I am more kinaesthetic. Maybe as a result of this change, I also lost my ability of making magnificent inner visual images. But it is not lost all of the time; it comes back now and then. For instance, after I did a strong breathing exercise last fall I had a strong awakening experience where I faced a lot of tiredness and came into a very nice state of mind. During that period my ability to make inner visions was restored. But I lost it again, as that elevated state gradually faded away during a month or so.

: (7) I just don%rsquot feel like making any major changes in my life right now, such as starting a new business, even if there are some good reasons for doing that. Since my tummo initiation I have felt as if I am here just to have experiences and basically to enjoy life as it is. So, I am having a kind of time-out, which has actually lasted since summer 2002. At that time I was highly motivated but not able to go on with my ideas because I had severe stomach problems. Today those are practically gone, although I still have some problems with to much stomach acid, and I would probably be able to face new challenges. But, for some reason, I just don%rsquot feel like doing that, which could also be a sign of depression.

[Vyana]

Thank you Mystress! I am sure you are right. And that was probably what I needed to hear too. After I had surrendered everything %ndash and was frightened by the experience of being all alone in the universe %ndash I asked Goddess to take it slow, at a pace that I could handle. After that I have felt as if my only task is to relax and enjoy life. It is as if I have been ordered just to have fun! It%rsquos not as if nothing is happening although. I have made a lot of progress in many respects. But the process has been surprisingly gentle. For instance, the last week or so I have noticed that I have started to protest when people are pushing me around. I don%rsquot even spoil my kids as before, but try to establish some kind of discipline with them, even barking at them now and then. When this broad issue I asked about started to come up I was worried because I did not understand how all those peaces could fit together and I also got the idea that understanding was required from me. Now I will stop worrying about that and just put it in Goddess%rsquo hand. Thank you again!

:  Hello, Vyana:

:   I feel you are simply in a state of waiting. Maybe inertia, but to me it appears to be just a K phase, that will pass in its own time.

:   It is always good to follow your bliss, and making a step toward a goal often will spark the synchronicities to help things move forward, but it happens when the time is right.

:   To me it feels where you have tipped the balance to where surrender has become more autopilot, there is a lot of processing going on "underground" the unconscious evolving and you are anaestetized from it... the result is a certain unclear restlessness and with it a lack of anything to focus the restlessness on, so you do not make attachments.
:   Keep focusing on surrender, and trust that if Goddess wants you to know something, She can make sure you get the message.

:   Blessings...

[Mystress]

: Thank you Mystress! I am sure you are right. And that was probably what I needed to hear too. After I had surrendered everything %ndash and was frightened by the experience of being all alone in the universe %ndash I asked Goddess to take it slow, at a pace that I could handle.

You did not also surrender the holes and spaces where the old stuff used to be?

: After that I have felt as if my only task is to relax and enjoy life. It is as if I have been ordered just to have fun!

Yes!

:It%rsquos not as if nothing is happening although. I have made a lot of progress in many respects. But the process has been surprisingly gentle. For instance, the last week or so I have noticed that I have started to protest when people are pushing me around.

Yes, that is how it is, when Shakti teaches. The body gets it first, on a vibrational level. You just change, it is automatic, and sometime later you (the intellect) notices that things are being handled differently.

: I don%rsquot even spoil my kids as before, but try to establish some kind of discipline with them, even barking at them now and then.

Children appreciate having boundaries set for them. Makes them feel safe and loved, even if they are moved to test the limits, now and then.

: When this broad issue I asked about started to come up I was worried because I did not understand how all those peaces could fit together and I also got the idea that understanding was required from me.

So often, our ideas of "understanding" are just ego making new stories about what Is, and getting attached to the stories.

 Blessings!

: Now I will stop worrying about that and just put it in Goddess%rsquo hand. Thank you again!

:
: :  Hello, Vyana:

: :   I feel you are simply in a state of waiting. Maybe inertia, but to me it appears to be just a K phase, that will pass in its own time.

: :   It is always good to follow your bliss, and making a step toward a goal often will spark the synchronicities to help things move forward, but it happens when the time is right.

: :   To me it feels where you have tipped the balance to where surrender has become more autopilot, there is a lot of processing going on "underground" the unconscious evolving and you are anaestetized from it... the result is a certain unclear restlessness and with it a lack of anything to focus the restlessness on, so you do not make attachments.
: :   Keep focusing on surrender, and trust that if Goddess wants you to know something, She can make sure you get the message.

: :   Blessings...

[Vyana]

: : After I had surrendered everything %ndash and was frightened by the experience of being all alone in the universe %ndash I asked Goddess to take it slow, at a pace that I could handle.

> You did not also surrender the holes and spaces where the old stuff used to be? >

- No, I did not do it that way. I just proclaimed mentally, after having surrendered a lot of broad issues: "I confirm the fact that all of me, every inch of my body and all my thoughts belongs to you. Actually all of me is a part of your." The effect was immediate and profound. A lot of tension disappeared. But in the same time it was very scary as I still had too much fear that was also set loose in that very instant. I felt as being alone with nothing to hang on to. So I just asked Goddess to take that slow and easy and then focused on other things.

[Percyval]

Vyana wrote:
: : Thank you Mystress! I am sure you are right. And that was probably what I needed to hear too. After I had surrendered everything %ndash and was frightened by the experience of being all alone in the universe %ndash I asked Goddess to take it slow, at a pace that I could handle.

Mystress wrote:
: You did not also surrender the holes and spaces where the old stuff used to be?

this is so funny!

Mystress, i see you meant this reply for Vyana... but "surrendering the holes and empty spaces where the old stuff used to be" is a part of the process that i have forgotten... and i use this exercise so often.. no wonder i keep needing to surrender that same shit over and over!

i have heard you say it so many times, and have even written it several times in helping to edit and transcribe your words... it is unbelievable that i would forget this step so consistently...

thank you, Mystress... this is such a badly needed reminder for me... i must remember to also surrender some dead brain cells... hehehehh...

lovingly,

percyval

[Mystress]

  Percyval, that really is funny! When you surrender the holes and spaces, you invite the Goddess energy to occupy them. If you don't do it, you end up feeling kind of empty, and looking for something to fill you.

 Love!

: Mystress wrote:
: : You did not also surrender the holes and spaces where the old stuff used to be?

: this is so funny!

: Mystress, i see you meant this reply for Vyana... but "surrendering the holes and empty spaces where the old stuff used to be" is a part of the process that i have forgotten... and i use this exercise so often.. no wonder i keep needing to surrender that same shit over and over!

: i have heard you say it so many times, and have even written it several times in helping to edit and transcribe your words... it is unbelievable that i would forget this step so consistently...

: thank you, Mystress... this is such a badly needed reminder for me... i must remember to also surrender some dead brain cells... hehehehh...

: lovingly,

: percyval