my experiences

[von]

Hi how is everyone doing? Well I never really write much in the tea room but i just felt like it. Something keeps poking at me to express my feelings regardless of what they are. So here it goes. I want to talk about some of the things that have been going on with me.Some are really strange to me. Well first of all i am a 25 year old guy.The thing is that i know that in the course it talks about how men start to develop more feminine qualties to them,like opening up there feelings and being more sensitive. Well the thing with me is that my whole life i have been like that and now that i have been doing this course I find myself becoming more masculine. Like now I  am more honest with people and straight forward. Before i would sugarcoat everything. I would say things to please people and not really say how i was feeling inside and never express my needs. Now its like i can't do that anymore without driving myself crazy. So i don't no if that is more masculine, but thats the best way to describe the feeling. So that is pretty cool. Its like i am cutting out the drama in my life. I don't want to carry around all these repressed feelings.

The other thing that kind of freaks me out a little is that i am having all these violent sexual fantasies with women. Like i see myself wanting to punch them and spit on them and call them names.i don't know what this is and i have never done that to a girl. But when i am with a girl i want to be real rough. And then I try to supress it because it doesn't feel appropriate. But the feeling is so overwhelming, i don't know what to do with it?

Also my taste in music is changing. I can't stand rap music and all that poular shit anymore on the radio. It irritates me. Anything too mainstream pisses me off. It sounds funny as i am writing this!!!!!

Also, i had this one innocent the other day with a girl i have been dating.everytime i get around her i get a tight knot in my stomach and feel sick.I feel like she is stealing my energy.Anytime i  open myself up to her i feel dizzy and mad.As soon as i get away from her i feel ok. The thing is, is that she acts real sweet on the outside, but something isn't right. At first i thought i was just being stupid, but it has become so obvious to me that i can't pretend it isn't there. So i really feel like i have to not be around her anymore, but then i feel like i am being a jerk and i feel guilty and that i have to call her and be real nice to her. I don't know what the hell this is? so can somebody give me advice?

Well this is what is going on with me right now and i actually feel better for writing this and expressing myself. thanks for listening.

Von

[Sabrina]

The thing is that i know that in the course it talks about how men start to develop more feminine qualties to them,like opening up there feelings and being more sensitive. Well the thing with me is that my whole life i have been like that and now that i have been doing this course I find myself becoming more masculine. Like now I  am more honest with people and straight forward. Before i would sugarcoat everything. I would say things to please people and not really say how i was feeling inside and never express my needs. Now its like i can't do that anymore without driving myself crazy. So i don't no if that is more masculine, but thats the best way to describe the feeling. So that is pretty cool. Its like i am cutting out the drama in my life. I don't want to carry around all these repressed feelings.

Hi Von,

I too have noticed that I've become more straightforward and blunt as I've become 'spiritually awakened.' Which is great, cause I used to take so much crap before standing up for myself. And now I almost do it autopilot. And since my K awakening, I have had more rapport with male deities than female, though I still communicate with female deities as well. It's all part of getting in touch with the DB, I guess. About the weird fantasies; there's nothing you can do about them, so don't waste emotions on guilt. Instead focus on what the fantasies are trying to tell you. I myself have this thing where I have my wildest sexual fantasies and my wildest sexual nightmares running through my head in cocnert, and underneath it all is this primal sexual energy that wants to connect to everything. So I just focus on that as much as I can. I think it's part of clearing the second chakra.

Hope all goes well with you.

Sabrina

[Mystress]

  Hi Von!

: Hi how is everyone doing? Well I never really write much in the tea room but i just felt like it. Something keeps poking at me to express my feelings regardless of what they are. So here it goes.

Cool!

I want to talk about some of the things that have been going on with me.Some are really strange to me. Well first of all i am a 25 year old guy. The thing is that i know that in the course it talks about how men start to develop more feminine qualties to them,like opening up there feelings and being more sensitive. Well the thing with me is that my whole life i have been like that and now that i have been doing this course I find myself becoming more masculine. Like now I  am more honest with people and straight forward. Before i would sugarcoat everything. I would say things to please people and not really say how i was feeling inside and never express my needs. Now its like i can't do that anymore without driving myself crazy. So i don't no if that is more masculine, but thats the best way to describe the feeling.

I would not necessarily describe it as more masculine. I think the difference is, you are honouring your own feelings now, being true to yourself. That is the sensitivity that has increased.

  I think it is more common for men to lie about their feelings, than women but either gender can do it... except you cannot anymore. It did not bother you before, masking your feelings for the sake of harmony was more important.

 Traditionally, this is feminine but I think it is really a masculine quality. Women tend to be more verbally facile than men so it is easier for women to find a way to express themselves without creating disruption.
"Sugar coating" things is a control game, BTW. Manners are important, but you really cannot control how someone will respond to anything you say or do.  

:So that is pretty cool. Its like i am cutting out the drama in my life. I don't want to carry around all these repressed feelings.

Very cool. You are more sensitive to what repressing your feelings does to you.  
:
: The other thing that kind of freaks me out a little is that i am having all these violent sexual fantasies with women. Like i see myself wanting to punch them and spit on them and call them names. I don't know what this is and i have never done that to a girl. But when i am with a girl i want to be real rough. And then I try to supress it because it doesn't feel appropriate. But the feeling is so overwhelming, i don't know what to do with it?

I'd say, just sit with it. Allow the mental scenarios to run thier course without acting on them, and see what insights come after they have been released in this way. Most likely it is simply repressed feelings of anger toward women coming up to be released.

  I suspect it is related to your change of consciousness, about not sugar coating things anymore. The question is, when did you start to repress your communications in this way, and why? When did it become unsafe to be true to your feelings? What past issue caused you to give your authentic self away to other people's needs?

 Seen from this perspective, your having a lot of buried anger coming out, is perfectly natural... but the woman you are with in the moment is probably not the source of the issue, just the trigger in the now. There are some fears underlying your sugar coating, that need to be resolved.

: Also my taste in music is changing. I can't stand rap music and all that poular shit anymore on the radio. It irritates me. Anything too mainstream pisses me off. It sounds funny as i am writing this!!!!!

I don't like rap either... it is not authentic, to me. A macho pose. Music is pure emotional communication. Your sensitivity is becoming more refined, so it is natural that what is not authentic is not enjoyable.

 My taste is for genuine emotional art music, I have an ear for talent... but even so, I'd rather listen to the Sex Pistols spewing their genuine aggression singing "God save the queen, its a fascist regime" than Britney Spears.

 I am the same way with scents. Artificial scents like perfume or air fresheners smell nasty to me, I'd rather smell a genuine bad scent than artificial chemical fake pine or flowers.
:
: Also, i had this one innocent the other day with a girl i have been dating.everytime i get around her i get a tight knot in my stomach and feel sick.I feel like she is stealing my energy.Anytime i  open myself up to her i feel dizzy and mad.As soon as i get away from her i feel ok. The thing is, is that she acts real sweet on the outside, but something isn't right. At first i thought i was just being stupid, but it has become so obvious to me that i can't pretend it isn't there. So i really feel like i have to not be around her anymore, but then i feel like i am being a jerk and i feel guilty and that i have to call her and be real nice to her. I don't know what the hell this is? so can somebody give me advice?

Several points to this one:

At this plase of the course I would caution you against feelings of victimhood or blame. Those are giving your power away. Focus on your internal process.

  It is possible she is an energy vamp, passive aggressive but the more important issue, is why you are drawn to her even though the relationship does not feel good?

 Seems you are enacting some issues with her that are exactly what you are trying to get past: not being true to your own feelings, sugar coating your feelings about her. You are giving yourself away when you do this. So, is she really stealing your energy, or are you giving it to her unconsciously then blaming her for accepting what you offer?

 Looking for perfection, she is triggering something in you that you need to look at.

 In the bigger picture... I think it would be helpful for you to not be in a relationship until you have resolved some things within yourself. Particularly, the aggressive feelings towards women that are coming up for you.

 It is possible that you have a dominant sadist streak that is unrepressing itself now, but even so, you have to get comfortable with it, within yourself and own it before you can safely, consensually express it.

  I do not think that is what it is, I think it is some infantile rage coming up to be released... but you won't know for sure until it is processed.

: Well this is what is going on with me right now and i actually feel better for writing this and expressing myself. thanks for listening.

The tea room is very magical in that regard! Glad you posted.
  Blessings!  
:
: Von

[Jason B]

Hi Von,

I just wanted to say that for a long time (this is a few years ago now) I had very violent erotic fantasies going through my head in regard to women.  The funny part of it was that, in the fantasies, I was always a woman.  I was a female committing acts of violence against another female.  

I have come to conclude that the basis of this was indeed anger against women.  I think I have been pretty successful in releasing it now.  I just let the fantasies play out in my mind for several weeks (months?)and eventually they lost their appeal.  Basically because I had already thought of every heinous thing I could do and then I got bored with that subject for fantasy.

I have also come to conclude that the reason I was always female in the fantasies was for protection.  I had been so hurt and "male bashed" by women in my youth that being male no longer felt safe.  So for protection in my fantasies, I made myself female.  

So in essence I suppose I was literally taking my anger out on myself.  I can tell you from experience, that is doing it the hard way.:^)But surrender is the only way to move through it.

The psychology of the soul is truly a bizzare science, if science you can call it.

Sincerely,
Jason B

: Hi how is everyone doing? Well I never really write much in the tea room but i just felt like it. Something keeps poking at me to express my feelings regardless of what they are. So here it goes. I want to talk about some of the things that have been going on with me.Some are really strange to me. Well first of all i am a 25 year old guy.The thing is that i know that in the course it talks about how men start to develop more feminine qualties to them,like opening up there feelings and being more sensitive. Well the thing with me is that my whole life i have been like that and now that i have been doing this course I find myself becoming more masculine. Like now I  am more honest with people and straight forward. Before i would sugarcoat everything. I would say things to please people and not really say how i was feeling inside and never express my needs. Now its like i can't do that anymore without driving myself crazy. So i don't no if that is more masculine, but thats the best way to describe the feeling. So that is pretty cool. Its like i am cutting out the drama in my life. I don't want to carry around all these repressed feelings.

:
: The other thing that kind of freaks me out a little is that i am having all these violent sexual fantasies with women. Like i see myself wanting to punch them and spit on them and call them names.i don't know what this is and i have never done that to a girl. But when i am with a girl i want to be real rough. And then I try to supress it because it doesn't feel appropriate. But the feeling is so overwhelming, i don't know what to do with it?

:
: Also my taste in music is changing. I can't stand rap music and all that poular shit anymore on the radio. It irritates me. Anything too mainstream pisses me off. It sounds funny as i am writing this!!!!!

:
: Also, i had this one innocent the other day with a girl i have been dating.everytime i get around her i get a tight knot in my stomach and feel sick.I feel like she is stealing my energy.Anytime i  open myself up to her i feel dizzy and mad.As soon as i get away from her i feel ok. The thing is, is that she acts real sweet on the outside, but something isn't right. At first i thought i was just being stupid, but it has become so obvious to me that i can't pretend it isn't there. So i really feel like i have to not be around her anymore, but then i feel like i am being a jerk and i feel guilty and that i have to call her and be real nice to her. I don't know what the hell this is? so can somebody give me advice?

: Well this is what is going on with me right now and i actually feel better for writing this and expressing myself. thanks for listening.

:
: Von

[von]

:   Hi Von!

:
: : Hi how is everyone doing? Well I never really write much in the tea room but i just felt like it. Something keeps poking at me to express my feelings regardless of what they are. So here it goes.

: Cool!

:  I want to talk about some of the things that have been going on with me.Some are really strange to me. Well first of all i am a 25 year old guy. The thing is that i know that in the course it talks about how men start to develop more feminine qualties to them,like opening up there feelings and being more sensitive. Well the thing with me is that my whole life i have been like that and now that i have been doing this course I find myself becoming more masculine. Like now I  am more honest with people and straight forward. Before i would sugarcoat everything. I would say things to please people and not really say how i was feeling inside and never express my needs. Now its like i can't do that anymore without driving myself crazy. So i don't no if that is more masculine, but thats the best way to describe the feeling.

: I would not necessarily describe it as more masculine. I think the difference is, you are honouring your own feelings now, being true to yourself. That is the sensitivity that has increased.

:    I think it is more common for men to lie about their feelings, than women but either gender can do it... except you cannot anymore. It did not bother you before, masking your feelings for the sake of harmony was more important.

:   Traditionally, this is feminine but I think it is really a masculine quality. Women tend to be more verbally facile than men so it is easier for women to find a way to express themselves without creating disruption.
:  "Sugar coating" things is a control game, BTW. Manners are important, but you really cannot control how someone will respond to anything you say or do.  

: :So that is pretty cool. Its like i am cutting out the drama in my life. I don't want to carry around all these repressed feelings.

: Very cool. You are more sensitive to what repressing your feelings does to you.  
: :
: : The other thing that kind of freaks me out a little is that i am having all these violent sexual fantasies with women. Like i see myself wanting to punch them and spit on them and call them names. I don't know what this is and i have never done that to a girl. But when i am with a girl i want to be real rough. And then I try to supress it because it doesn't feel appropriate. But the feeling is so overwhelming, i don't know what to do with it?

: I'd say, just sit with it. Allow the mental scenarios to run thier course without acting on them, and see what insights come after they have been released in this way. Most likely it is simply repressed feelings of anger toward women coming up to be released.

:    I suspect it is related to your change of consciousness, about not sugar coating things anymore. The question is, when did you start to repress your communications in this way, and why? When did it become unsafe to be true to your feelings? What past issue caused you to give your authentic self away to other people's needs?

:   Seen from this perspective, your having a lot of buried anger coming out, is perfectly natural... but the woman you are with in the moment is probably not the source of the issue, just the trigger in the now. There are some fears underlying your sugar coating, that need to be resolved.

:
: : Also my taste in music is changing. I can't stand rap music and all that poular shit anymore on the radio. It irritates me. Anything too mainstream pisses me off. It sounds funny as i am writing this!!!!!

: I don't like rap either... it is not authentic, to me. A macho pose. Music is pure emotional communication. Your sensitivity is becoming more refined, so it is natural that what is not authentic is not enjoyable.

:   My taste is for genuine emotional art music, I have an ear for talent... but even so, I'd rather listen to the Sex Pistols spewing their genuine aggression singing "God save the queen, its a fascist regime" than Britney Spears.

:   I am the same way with scents. Artificial scents like perfume or air fresheners smell nasty to me, I'd rather smell a genuine bad scent than artificial chemical fake pine or flowers.
: :
: : Also, i had this one innocent the other day with a girl i have been dating.everytime i get around her i get a tight knot in my stomach and feel sick.I feel like she is stealing my energy.Anytime i  open myself up to her i feel dizzy and mad.As soon as i get away from her i feel ok. The thing is, is that she acts real sweet on the outside, but something isn't right. At first i thought i was just being stupid, but it has become so obvious to me that i can't pretend it isn't there. So i really feel like i have to not be around her anymore, but then i feel like i am being a jerk and i feel guilty and that i have to call her and be real nice to her. I don't know what the hell this is? so can somebody give me advice?

: Several points to this one:

:  At this plase of the course I would caution you against feelings of victimhood or blame. Those are giving your power away. Focus on your internal process.

:    It is possible she is an energy vamp, passive aggressive but the more important issue, is why you are drawn to her even though the relationship does not feel good?

:   Seems you are enacting some issues with her that are exactly what you are trying to get past: not being true to your own feelings, sugar coating your feelings about her. You are giving yourself away when you do this. So, is she really stealing your energy, or are you giving it to her unconsciously then blaming her for accepting what you offer?

:   Looking for perfection, she is triggering something in you that you need to look at.

:   In the bigger picture... I think it would be helpful for you to not be in a relationship until you have resolved some things within yourself. Particularly, the aggressive feelings towards women that are coming up for you.

:   It is possible that you have a dominant sadist streak that is unrepressing itself now, but even so, you have to get comfortable with it, within yourself and own it before you can safely, consensually express it.

:    I do not think that is what it is, I think it is some infantile rage coming up to be released... but you won't know for sure until it is processed.

: : Well this is what is going on with me right now and i actually feel better for writing this and expressing myself. thanks for listening.

: The tea room is very magical in that regard! Glad you posted.
:    Blessings!  
: :
: : Von

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It really feels so much better once i express how i feel and to get it out. It really makes me realise how much bullshit comes from suppressing my feelings. Its like its so simple to just be honest with myself and other people that it doesn't seem it could work. Its like i have to go looking for a problem and try to fix it and figure it out and it never gets taken care of. I guess that is the whole thing with surrender. On the topic of surrender, i have a question because i am confused. When i think of surrender, i get a feeling of becomeing weak and just sitting there and never standing up for myself. Like never arguing about anything. Sometimes it is good to fight for what you want.Maybe i am getting surrender mixed up with repressing my feelings. Like for instance if somebody does something to me and i really feel like saying "fuck you" and that really makes me feel better and feels more honest to me,rather than taking a deep breath and thinking of something peaceful, just because it seems more spiritual.I would rather just be real and say what i want without feeling guilty. Its like i can't worry about everthing i say, so it pleases everybody. Does this make sense? The whole people pleasing thing is really annoying to me. Its like i feel i can't say what i want because i feel people are too sensitive and weak to handle the truth. Or maybe that is just me projecting my own shit onto other people!! Wow, thats kind of funny now that i wrote that out and got it out of my head!!!!

Also mystress thanks for making me understand this whole thing with the girl i was writing about. Its like she is triggering issues in me that i need to take a look at. The whole issue with not being honest about how i feel and about giving myself away just to have somebody around. One thing that i realized in myself is that i always try to act like i don't care about girls i date, I try and act like i never get jealous and that i don't give a shit what they do. But that is not true. Now,i am not some jealous nutcase, but i have to be honest with myself that its okay to have these feeligs and if i just don't deny them then it will be okay.Its when i suppress my feeling that they come up ugly. Then i feel choked off like i can't express myself. Well i guess this is all i am feeling like writng right now. I write more later when i am feeling it!!!  

I just want to say thanks Mystress and everybody else for sharing and allowing me a place to express myself!!! Pretty cool!! Thanks

[Nadine]

Hello Jason, Von, and the whole gang!

I have similar experiences too.  I find I become very aroused when I imagine myself in erotic encounters with men, and sometimes women, who don't always treat me very nicely, that I wouldn't want to live through.  No pain, but some abuse, power games, BDSM, etc.  I don't censure myself, I go with it, then it loses its appeal, and then it comes back.  

I've tried to guide my fantasies to explore loving encounters with loving men, but this only works when I'm active and the man is passive, receiving my loving attention.

Paradoxically, when I imagine myself being made love to by a woman, then the encounter is loving on both parts.

I don't censure myself at all with whatever comes up, unless I feel like imagining someone real. I also make sure to explore and imagine situations that are more in tune with my real fulfillement. To gently be open to other possibilities.

in Love and Light,

Nadine