Sexual Problem

[Jason A.]

I am having difficulty figuring this out.

Is it possible to form a sexual relationship with an entity?  For about two years now I have had this intense sexual arousal that is focused on men, or masculinity.  At first it was indirect, I found myself enjoying the idea of threesomes... then it became more and more focused on men, if very gradually.  I can get a lot of obsessive thoughts.  It isn't "normal" arousal for me, and it is hot energy.  I often have to drink a lot of water.  Acting on it is usually a mistake.  My head is left clouded, I become very angry and determined to fight it off.  The last few months I have worked very hard to be mindful and not judge it (or act on it), but the last week has left me tired and confused.

Sometimes the urges come suddenly, during mundane activities, with no external stimuli.  It often feels quite horrible, as if there is a man living inside my heart and he is forcing his feelings onto me.  Sometimes it's just too much and I cry.

Last Friday, after struggling with it for hours, working to be mindful, stay grounded, clear karma/entities, etc., I decided to love it... and at first it worked.  I could touch my face and feel this intense guilt and shame in my skin with the energy (it's odd to feel arousal all over).  I tried to love it... and it went away.  I did it again the next night, and even acted on the impulse, saying "I love you" and "Thank you Goddess" and all was fine.

Did it Sunday... oh dear.  Kind of funky, but afterwards I recovered and felt both confident and compassionate.  It was an odd night, I spontaneously wept when I finished reading a Zen journal... and then had a big coughing fit and a head rush, followed by several minutes of loud laughter while I looked in the mirror and felt like a Zen monk was using my face.

After that it all went downhill. :-)  Every time I ejaculate I start doing spontaneous "bellows breathing".  When I get this bellows crap my concentration goes to shit, I have a very strong urge to challenge myself and/or fight, and I lose my temper at the smallest things.  I also lose all interest in awakening.  Only work matters.

I have experimented a few times with sending the energy up my spine and contracting the perineum.  The result is that the heat fades and I sometimes feel more like myself, sexually and otherwise.

Summarized:  Why do I keep alternating between feeling loved (and very unmotivated) and feeling fearless/angry/unemotional (and driven)?  Why do I sometimes feel like I'm being raped?

-Jason

[Percyval]

hi Jason,

welcome to the Tearoom... i'm glad you're here with us...

although i don't have any answer for you, i wanted to let you know that your words have been lovingly read by me and others, who wish you well...

i know how difficult some male friends have found it to accept that they have same sex sexual attractions... there may be so much more to your difficult experiences than merely coming to accept socially unacceptable sexual urges... however, you can't argue with whatever makes your dick hard...

may you come to fully enjoy expressing your sexuality in whatever form it takes...

warmly,

percyval

: I am having difficulty figuring this out.

: Is it possible to form a sexual relationship with an entity?  For about two years now I have had this intense sexual arousal that is focused on men, or masculinity.  At first it was indirect, I found myself enjoying the idea of threesomes... then it became more and more focused on men, if very gradually.  I can get a lot of obsessive thoughts.  It isn't "normal" arousal for me, and it is hot energy.  I often have to drink a lot of water.  Acting on it is usually a mistake.  My head is left clouded, I become very angry and determined to fight it off.  The last few months I have worked very hard to be mindful and not judge it (or act on it), but the last week has left me tired and confused.

: Sometimes the urges come suddenly, during mundane activities, with no external stimuli.  It often feels quite horrible, as if there is a man living inside my heart and he is forcing his feelings onto me.  Sometimes it's just too much and I cry.

: Last Friday, after struggling with it for hours, working to be mindful, stay grounded, clear karma/entities, etc., I decided to love it... and at first it worked.  I could touch my face and feel this intense guilt and shame in my skin with the energy (it's odd to feel arousal all over).  I tried to love it... and it went away.  I did it again the next night, and even acted on the impulse, saying "I love you" and "Thank you Goddess" and all was fine.

: Did it Sunday... oh dear.  Kind of funky, but afterwards I recovered and felt both confident and compassionate.  It was an odd night, I spontaneously wept when I finished reading a Zen journal... and then had a big coughing fit and a head rush, followed by several minutes of loud laughter while I looked in the mirror and felt like a Zen monk was using my face.

: After that it all went downhill. :-)  Every time I ejaculate I start doing spontaneous "bellows breathing".  When I get this bellows crap my concentration goes to shit, I have a very strong urge to challenge myself and/or fight, and I lose my temper at the smallest things.  I also lose all interest in awakening.  Only work matters.

: I have experimented a few times with sending the energy up my spine and contracting the perineum.  The result is that the heat fades and I sometimes feel more like myself, sexually and otherwise.

: Summarized:  Why do I keep alternating between feeling loved (and very unmotivated) and feeling fearless/angry/unemotional (and driven)?  Why do I sometimes feel like I'm being raped?

: -Jason

[Mystress]

Hi Jason!

: I am having difficulty figuring this out.

: Is it possible to form a sexual relationship with an entity?

You bet! Succubus, Incubus, DB.

:  For about two years now I have had this intense sexual arousal that is focused on men, or masculinity.  At first it was indirect, I found myself enjoying the idea of threesomes... then it became more and more focused on men, if very gradually.  I can get a lot of obsessive thoughts.  It isn't "normal" arousal for me, and it is hot energy.  I often have to drink a lot of water.  Acting on it is usually a mistake.  My head is left clouded, I become very angry and determined to fight it off.

Why do you fight it?

:  The last few months I have worked very hard to be mindful and not judge it (or act on it), but the last week has left me tired and confused.

I am sorry you are having a hard time with this.

 You say you do not judge it... but it is obvious that you do. You fight and resist.

 In my experience, Kundalini makes everybody a little bit... or a lot bisexual. Happened with me... I did not have issues with it, it just showed up one day.

Love knows no gender.

It appears that you do have some strong resistance to loving men, and these issues are coming up to be resolved, released. Burning off with the heat.

 Would it really be the end of the world, for you to be bisexual? What would be so terrible about that? Face your fears, and let them go. You don't have to act on them with other men, you don't have to "come out" or tell anyone. Just make peace with it, within yourself.

: Sometimes the urges come suddenly, during mundane activities, with no external stimuli.  It often feels quite horrible, as if there is a man living inside my heart and he is forcing his feelings onto me.  Sometimes it's just too much and I cry.

What happens if you accept the feelings as your own?

: Last Friday, after struggling with it for hours, working to be mindful, stay grounded, clear karma/entities, etc., I decided to love it... and at first it worked.  I could touch my face and feel this intense guilt and shame in my skin with the energy (it's odd to feel arousal all over).

Odd, but nice! It is a side effect of K, for pleasure to become a full body sensation. Blissful.

:  I tried to love it... and it went away.  I did it again the next night, and even acted on the impulse, saying "I love you" and "Thank you Goddess" and all was fine.

Well, there ya go. Acceptance is effective, important. Love yourself, no matter what your sexual orientation. That there is guilt and shame is no surprise, the culture is full of guilt and shame over every kind of sex.

Perhaps accepting being bisexual was easier for me because I had already gotten over the bigger hurdle of accepting being a Dominant sadist... an orientation that is much more socially unacceptable than homosexuality.  

: Did it Sunday... oh dear.  Kind of funky, but afterwards I recovered and felt both confident and compassionate.  It was an odd night, I spontaneously wept when I finished reading a Zen journal... and then had a big coughing fit and a head rush, followed by several minutes of loud laughter while I looked in the mirror and felt like a Zen monk was using my face.

Cool!

: After that it all went downhill. :-)  Every time I ejaculate I start doing spontaneous "bellows breathing".  When I get this bellows crap my concentration goes to shit, I have a very strong urge to challenge myself and/or fight, and I lose my temper at the smallest things.  I also lose all interest in awakening.  Only work matters.

Bellows breathing is a kriya, and it seems to be releasing a lot of anger and aggression. Losing interest in awakening for a while is OK. There is a time for all things, a time to meditate and a time to work. What happens if you find a safe outlet for the anger? Get a punching bag, whack your bed with a stick, kick an empty box around? The feelings come up, to be released. Judging them and repressing them does not help, just makes them stronger. You think a spiritual person is never angry?

 It is funny, how people assume enlightenment means becoming an emotionless robot... it does not. We do not lose our emotions, we accept them for what they are, in the moment. Accepting them, naming them and releasing them makes them pass more quickly.

This past two weeks I have been dealing with a lot of anger coming up, around issues I had thought were already cleared. Not even sure how much of it is my own, and how much is coming from someone else. Doesn't matter, really... still have to resolve and release.

: I have experimented a few times with sending the energy up my spine and contracting the perineum.  The result is that the heat fades and I sometimes feel more like myself, sexually and otherwise.

Contracting the periniem is the basis of Kriya yoga. It pumps Shakti up your spine, and the increased energy makes the karma stuff release more easily. Redirecting your sexual energy up your spine is good for you! Though I do not stress celibacy in this path... I think orgasms are healthy too. Balance.

: Summarized:  Why do I keep alternating between feeling loved (and very unmotivated) and feeling fearless/angry/unemotional (and driven)?  Why do I sometimes feel like I'm being raped?

Well, the raping part, I dunno... That is a pretty strong word, I am not sure if someone can know how it feels unless they have experienced it, in life. Are you describing a feeling of loss of control? That feeling is pretty typical of Kundalini, you have to surrender or resistance will kick your ass. I am reading a lot of resistance in this post.

 Are you feeling like you are being penetrated? That is Kundalini too... My slaves and I call it the "Shakti up the ass treatment."

  In a way, are you not raping yourself, by rejecting your bisexual feelings? It is possible that there was some abuse in your past that is coming up to be released, but I tend to doubt it. Does not feel resonant. It is possible that it is an entity, but you know how to clear entities and this will not clear... so, Goddess is giving you these feelings, for Her purpose.

That you are moving between two emotional extremes is not at all unusual for Kundalini. Two swings of the pendulum, and eventually the orbit will come to rest in the "middle path." You will find a new balance. In the meantime, let the emotions flow, find an outlet that is safe and stop trying to control, wanting yourself to be different than who you are, in the moment. Remind yourself "This too, shall pass."

 For myself, I find anger is sometimes very motivating! When dealing with a "poor me" type who is wallowing in self pity, I find pissing them off gets them out of the puddle and into acting in their lives. Moves them out of the stuck place... and once they start getting things done, their self esteem soars.

 I also find that when I am entirely in nonduality, I have no motive to do anything. I see perfection, nothing to do nowhere to go, nothing to fix. Sit on my ass blissing out all day!

 Be gentle with yourself, Jason. You are loved.

Blessings!  

: -Jason

[Jason A.]

: : Is it possible to form a sexual relationship with an entity?

: You bet! Succubus, Incubus, DB.

Some days ago I tried loving it again, and "relented" to whatever is in me.  It felt like I let a woman use my body, and I felt a very strong desire for men.  My hands moved around, etc.  It took the time to massage my third, fourth, and fifth chakras, especially the fifth.  I even think I felt her orgasm.  Afterwards all of the heat faded and I saw a "movie" of a woman sitting and telling me how special I was.

I felt more like myself, men were uninteresting sexually, and I was physically attracted to women.  For the night, anyways. :-)

I went to bed, and had a vivid and unusual dream.  In the dream I went to see a guru.  There was an audience or class and I was part of it.  In retrospect he seemed similar to me physically, but he was kind of blurry.  The only clear form was that of a woman who accompanied me into the place (the youngest of the three I usually see).  He escorted her out of the room, calmly calling her a whore.  I was torn inside by a devotion to him and a need to stand up for her.  I finally got up as he returned to the room and tried to tell him that it wasn't right to call her that, but he assured me that it would be alright and led me back to sit.

Er.  :-)  The clearest part of it all was the devotion to him/enlightenment.  I had a vague impression of a light in my torso, but I never really looked.

: Well, the raping part, I dunno... That is a pretty strong word, I am not sure if someone can know how it feels unless they have experienced it, in life. Are you describing a feeling of loss of control? That feeling is pretty typical of Kundalini, you have to surrender or resistance will kick your ass. I am reading a lot of resistance in this post.

Rape was too strong a word, I just couldn't think of any other way to describe how I felt.  A voice starts swearing at me and calling me names, I get this intense sexual heat and an urge to submit, and I feel powerless to stop it.  Sometimes I get tears in my eyes.  I used to be enraged for hours after it happened.  It's not always mean (usually isn't) but it's not exactly my cup of tea.

It is amusing at times... trying to love it, doing my best... and then something kills my libido.  :-)  An image of my grandmother appears, or a voice says "Rape me!" or something else obnoxious.

Again and again I am left with nothing but to sit and be mindful.  There isn't anything I can see to cause it.  No clear pattern of cause and effect.  Perhaps it's nothing more than stuff being brought up to be cleared.

Ever since our phone session I've begun coughing crap up.  :-)  The last 10 days have been a coughing marathon, with no other symptoms of illness at all, not even a sore throat or chest.

:   Are you feeling like you are being penetrated? That is Kundalini too... My slaves and I call it the "Shakti up the ass treatment."

I guess I'm not being gang probed by entities.  This is happening an awful lot now, along with a throbbing throat.

:    In a way, are you not raping yourself, by rejecting your bisexual feelings? It is possible that there was some abuse in your past that is coming up to be released, but I tend to doubt it. Does not feel resonant. It is possible that it is an entity, but you know how to clear entities and this will not clear... so, Goddess is giving you these feelings, for Her purpose.

Well, there was one entity that wouldn't clear during our phone session.  You said it was a girl, and a "playful little critter".  But... *shrug*  I don't really get a lot of interference when grounding now, aside from weird visual disturbances like two snakes appearing.

Ah... a question.  When I see those snakes, sometimes they are crossed and a voice tells me I have my wires crossed.  Do you know what this could mean?

:  That you are moving between two emotional extremes is not at all unusual for Kundalini. Two swings of the pendulum, and eventually the orbit will come to rest in the "middle path." You will find a new balance. In the meantime, let the emotions flow, find an outlet that is safe and stop trying to control, wanting yourself to be different than who you are, in the moment. Remind yourself "This too, shall pass."

I believe I have been alternating between living in my third and fourth chakras.  When I get pissed, driven, bellows breathing, whatever, all of my sexual energy goes to my solar plexus.  I choose love instead, and it goes to my heart.

I think this is why it helps to send the energy up my spine and out the crown.  It may take time to "train it" though, I have left it all unattended for a long time.

:   For myself, I find anger is sometimes very motivating! When dealing with a "poor me" type who is wallowing in self pity, I find pissing them off gets them out of the puddle and into acting in their lives. Moves them out of the stuck place... and once they start getting things done, their self esteem soars.

I think I got a kick in the ass because I was too attached to the loving state (after two years I was sick of having mental funk from the third chakra rushes).  I woke up feeling like shit, anxious, negative, with bizarre and unpleasant sexual impulses.  Felt like shit most of the day until I finally started doing physical exercise.  It's not something I usually think of doing, having muscular dystrophy has more or less blinded me to it, but I do try.  That said, I did waaaay more than usual, and felt energy releasing throughout my body.  I got the usual third chakra charge and was fearless, but worked harder to be mindful and keep it from becoming negative.

-Jason

:   I also find that when I am entirely in nonduality, I have no motive to do anything. I see perfection, nothing to do nowhere to go, nothing to fix. Sit on my ass blissing out all day!

:   Be gentle with yourself, Jason. You are loved.

: Blessings!