Existential Angst, Nihilism, Vanity and Materialism

[Sabrina]

Hello everyone,

So I think I've been experiencing the spell on FST that Mystress mentioned. During the week of Matriarchy and Goddess, I was releasing some past issues with my mother. During Sacred Sexuality, I was dealing with some really heavy sexual issues. And now during Roleplay and Responsibility week, I discovered a local underground BDSM group in the area. So, now I know why you wanted me to go a week at a time, Mystress, so I could experience the synchronicity of FST.

The week of Sacred Sexuality was REALLY hard for me. As my root chakra opens, I find myself responding to the sexual energy in EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything; there's hardly anything that doesn't make me feel sexual. People, trees, rocks, animals, whatever......I'm constantly aware of the sexual energy emanating from stuff, and it's triggering some major guilt. After all, I do come from a repressive Pentecostal upbringing. I mean, I'm not saying I want to have sex with everything, but I have the AWARENESS of the sexual energy moving back and forth between me and said person/object.  

As well, I spent a few days reading the debate between Mystress and another member on the k_goddess list. For those of you not familiar with the debate, a member made some rather judgemental comments about alternate sexualities, BDSM for the most part. And Mystress did her Zen Master's cane thing until he got it. Or got over it. But the most significant discussion for me was about the rightness and/or wrongness of 'unnacceptable' sexual orientations such as pedophilia, bestiality, incest, castrati, etc. Because for a very long time my Shadow has been driving me towards acceptance of these orientations and others like them. I believe orientation is not a conscious choise, and that anyone should have the right to express his/her sexuality openly and honestly, without judgement and prejudice. And I'm really sad that we live in a world where this is not possible. But the worst thing to deal with is that while I can accept ANY form of orientation in others, I am not able to do this for myself. The compassion only extends outward, and not inward. People who are close to me say they have no problems with having friends who are into these types of things, but then they turn around and say they would prefer not to discuss said activities with said hypothetical friends. Is this true acceptance? I don't think you can say you're tolerant of BDSM if you can't stand to hear someome discuss it, even in passing reference. Same goes for other orientations.

I'm also having major existential angst. Here I am taking a course with the goal of enlightenment, when I don't really know what enlightenment is or if I really want it. Because I don't really trust that Goddess knows what She's doing. I don't understand statements like, surrender to Goddess because She directs your purpose better than the ego. And then, on the other hand, Goddess doesn't really care what we do, all is Divine? Then what's the point in surrendering to Goddess' direction if She doesn't really have one? And I feel like Goddess got bored with non-duality, so She just created duality to escape from non-duality. And how the heck can you create from nothing when you are nothing? Huh? And if Goddess made duality to escape non-duality, and we're striving for enlightenment to escape duality, what's the fricking point? Is Being an eternal circle of escapism? And even though there are enlightened Masters around, none of them have ever answered eternal questions like, Where did we come from? Why does pain and suffering exist? I can see the beauty and perfection in a lot of dark and evil things, but I don't understand the point of why being alive has to hurt so damn much. Minor pain like boredom and impatience I can deal with. But the pain of childbirth? The pain of being eaten by a tiger? The pain of being mutilated? Don't see the point.

I feel like Goddess just accidentally sprang into Being one 'day', got bored with nothing, accidentally created duality, and is sitting back watching the illusion, the dream. Is She going to  get bored with the dream and destroy everything to start from scratch? I guess it doesn't jibe with Goddess respecting free will though, huh? But, if Goddess respects free will, then why do we have to surrender to Her to acheive peace? Why can't we live in duality and not suffer? If not surrendering to Goddess causes suffering, then eventually we just have to surrender, now, don't we? This does not feel like respect of free will. Can a person not suffer much and not be enlightened?

And how come humans have egos but animals don't? Well, except for pets, at least, I've noticed some domesticated animals have small egos. And if listening to the instincts of the body and not thinking is bliss, then how come some humans and animals are pre-wired with faulty instincts that inevitably cause some fatal pain or death? Is everything just a huge Cosmic accident, or is there any underlying principle? Why do I somehow feel that everything is not quite nothingness, but just huge potential waiting to happen? And if we think better with our onconscious minds, why have a conscious mind to begin with? Did Goddess create ego, or did it just accidentally happen, and that ego went on to create more egos?

Am I experiencing kundalini psychosis or am I just being severely brain-f**cked for no apparent reason? Cause this stuff has been bothering me since I was very young. I have almost committed suicide over it in the past. I realize I am trying to comprehend the Cosmos with the stupid part of my brain, but my ego needs reasons to surrender, and I can't surrender to something I don't trust. And I've been asking Goddess for things, but I don't trust her to deliver them because they might be construed as egotistical requests, and I feel guilty for wanting egotistical stuff. Like I hate working and I want to be rich without having to work so I can just go to school for the rest of my life, read zillions of books, travel the world and never have to do chores. Or at the very least make big wages working part-time. Or I want to be completely gorgeous, but I feel bad about being so obsessed with my looks. So I want Goddess to make me rich and gorgeous, but feel bad for asking and wanting. Ack!!! I'm afraid that if I surrender all to the Goddess, she'll decide that being poor, average-looking, disabled and stuck in crap jobs is what's best for me. I'm fairly certain that's NOT my bliss.

So I'm really mad at Goddess and I don't trust Her at all, really. And I spent a couple of days this week majorly screaming at her in my head. I woke up one day to go to work and I screamed silently, 'Why can't you make me rich so I never have to work again!!!!' And fell back asleep, and dreamed I strained my solar plexus and back. And then I woke up with major anguish in my solar plexus and back. And stayed home from work. Sadly, my request only worked for a day.

I know that the key to happiness is openining my heart chakra. A couple of times I feel in love and had a heart chakra awakening. It was amazing! It triggered so much physical healing. And I just want that feeling all the time. But I really sometimes just hate Goddess for making it so hard for me. I really don't want it to be hard anymore. I just want to take it easy, and cruise to enlightenment. Is this ego-based? Darnit all, I could surrender if I could just trust, but the existential conflict is standing in the way. The age-old questions just won't quit.

On a lighter note, I am starting to communicate with my DB. He does some funny stuff!!! Like when I'm grounding I have trouble clearing my mind cause I'm bored by nothingness and have a tendency to think of several things at once. Hey, is that a sign of ADD? I'll check out the links on domin8rex on ADD. So the other night I was grounding and getting frustrated cause my brain kept distracting me. So DB put this vision of a blond muscly guy in my head who was dressed like a Chipendale dancing around to I Want Your Sex by George Michael!! Now, this is not my type of guy at all, but I was so amused at the dancing blond dude I did nothing but watch him dance til I fell asleep. So my mind was not clear, but at least it was focused on just one thing. If you knew me well, you'd be amazed at how unusual that is for my Gemini brain. I think DB likes to distract me with novelties and bizarre images so he can do his thing without ego getting in the way. Cause it's the only way to get me to stop thinking!!! I also think there was some communication in the song too. I've been having lucid dreams and waking up with K-fire running rampant through me as well. And today I turned off my alarm when I woke up and feel back asleep; there was only me at home, so no one was there to make sure I got to work. And had a lucid dream where my b/f came into the room and was stressed cause I was late for work. And I could hear my b/f's voice clear as a bell, and heard him rattling around in the bedroom. And then I woke, and then went back to sleep again!!! What can I say, K is giving me more chronic fatigue. And then I dreamed I was fired for too many lates and absentses (which will be a possibility if I don't clean up my act!!). So DB was determined to get me to work, and did. Thank you, DB.

I've noticed DB responds to what I put my energy into. If I think of scary stuff, I get images of undead, demons, ghosts, wraiths. DB generally shows up as a Lucifer-ish creature wearing ginni pants, sitting cross-legged and sitting in mid-air. At least I think that's him, I dunno, I'm not clear enough to tell. If I focus on good stuff, I see fey and angels. I'm seeing images of myself a lot too. Sometimes I look like a wraith and other times I look damn good!!!! Not quite my ideal, but pretty good for me. God, I'm vain, is vanity a 2nd chakra thing? Mystress, I know you have a beauty spell posted on domin8rex, so how come I feel so guilty about my looks? Should I really feel guilty about wanting something which is clearly a natural survival and evolutionary advantage? ARRGGG!!! Existential grief on one end and vanity and materialism on the other. Is there such a thing as top-down/bottom-up/meet-in-the-middle awakening? Or is that just my ego labelling stuff again?

I'm not scared of death, but I'm really afraid of nothingness. To me, nothingness is the worst imaginable fate. Stuff like Zen koans and the Tao seem to point to nihilism, and I hate nihilism.

I really don't know if I want enlightenment. I just want to take it easy, be rich and gorgeous, have lots of wonderful, amazing friends, and live in a fantasy world peopled by elves, faeries, unicorns, dragons and sylves. And I want the universe to make sense!!!! I don't want everything to be paradoxes and contradictions. That's why I stopped being Christian. Mystress says higher learning is experiential and has to be done through the Goddess part of my brain, but I don't feel comfortable surrendering to that part until I can fully trust it. I guess I just want reassurance that maybe things will start making sense as I surrender to the Goddess. I just feel really confused, and stuck in an astral emotional loop.

I apologize for my abuse of italics/caps, folks. Thanks.

Sabrina

[Sabrina]

I have trouble clearing my mind cause I'm bored by nothingness and have a tendency to think of several things at once. Hey, is that a sign of ADD? I'll check out the links on domin8rex on ADD.

Hello all,

Yeah, I read through the ADD links and it looks like I'm a candidate. I lack hyperactivity, but that's related to the arhtritis, as I was a whirl of energy before the illness. It's funny, my brother has ADHD, and I figured I didn't have ADD as his manifests in different ways. Who knows? I'd go to the doctor and get checked, but doctors only know how to prescribe drugs. Whether I have the disorder or not, the non-medicinal treatments prescribed are great ideas, have been following most of them. Was thinking of buying a tape recorder, so I could record ideas before they fly right out of my head and into oblivion!! I dunno, though, according to tests I've taken online, I'm a candidate for about 20 other disorders too. Oh, well.

Sabrina

[Mystress]

: Hello everyone,

Hi Sabrina:

  I think I remember asking you to get grounded before posting here... coz this sure is not. If you were grounded, you would find your heart/DB answers the questions as you write them. What is the value for you, in getting worked up over this stuff? You say your ego needs a a reason to surrender, but groundedness is surrender. Get grounded, and the heart provides the reasons.

  I also remember expressing the thought that you are not seeking enlightenment, but attention.

 Get grounded, and respond to your own post, to your own questions as if this was written by someone else. Pretend that you are an enlightened being responding to a seeker, and see what comes out. OK? Take your time at it. With each sentence or paragraph, breathe groundedness, get silent and ask Goddess/DB "What do I tell this person?" Breathe, wait till an answer appears, or till your fingers start typing by themselves.

Blessings...

: So I think I've been experiencing the spell on FST that Mystress mentioned. During the week of Matriarchy and Goddess, I was releasing some past issues with my mother. During Sacred Sexuality, I was dealing with some really heavy sexual issues. And now during Roleplay and Responsibility week, I discovered a local underground BDSM group in the area. So, now I know why you wanted me to go a week at a time, Mystress, so I could experience the synchronicity of FST.

: The week of Sacred Sexuality was REALLY hard for me. As my root chakra opens, I find myself responding to the sexual energy in EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything; there's hardly anything that doesn't make me feel sexual. People, trees, rocks, animals, whatever......I'm constantly aware of the sexual energy emanating from stuff, and it's triggering some major guilt. After all, I do come from a repressive Pentecostal upbringing. I mean, I'm not saying I want to have sex with everything, but I have the AWARENESS of the sexual energy moving back and forth between me and said person/object.  

: As well, I spent a few days reading the debate between Mystress and another member on the k_goddess list. For those of you not familiar with the debate, a member made some rather judgemental comments about alternate sexualities, BDSM for the most part. And Mystress did her Zen Master's cane thing until he got it. Or got over it. But the most significant discussion for me was about the rightness and/or wrongness of 'unnacceptable' sexual orientations such as pedophilia, bestiality, incest, castrati, etc. Because for a very long time my Shadow has been driving me towards acceptance of these orientations and others like them. I believe orientation is not a conscious choise, and that anyone should have the right to express his/her sexuality openly and honestly, without judgement and prejudice. And I'm really sad that we live in a world where this is not possible. But the worst thing to deal with is that while I can accept ANY form of orientation in others, I am not able to do this for myself. The compassion only extends outward, and not inward. People who are close to me say they have no problems with having friends who are into these types of things, but then they turn around and say they would prefer not to discuss said activities with said hypothetical friends. Is this true acceptance? I don't think you can say you're tolerant of BDSM if you can't stand to hear someome discuss it, even in passing reference. Same goes for other orientations.

: I'm also having major existential angst. Here I am taking a course with the goal of enlightenment, when I don't really know what enlightenment is or if I really want it. Because I don't really trust that Goddess knows what She's doing. I don't understand statements like, surrender to Goddess because She directs your purpose better than the ego. And then, on the other hand, Goddess doesn't really care what we do, all is Divine? Then what's the point in surrendering to Goddess' direction if She doesn't really have one? And I feel like Goddess got bored with non-duality, so She just created duality to escape from non-duality. And how the heck can you create from nothing when you are nothing? Huh? And if Goddess made duality to escape non-duality, and we're striving for enlightenment to escape duality, what's the fricking point? Is Being an eternal circle of escapism? And even though there are enlightened Masters around, none of them have ever answered eternal questions like, Where did we come from? Why does pain and suffering exist? I can see the beauty and perfection in a lot of dark and evil things, but I don't understand the point of why being alive has to hurt so damn much. Minor pain like boredom and impatience I can deal with. But the pain of childbirth? The pain of being eaten by a tiger? The pain of being mutilated? Don't see the point.

: I feel like Goddess just accidentally sprang into Being one 'day', got bored with nothing, accidentally created duality, and is sitting back watching the illusion, the dream. Is She going to  get bored with the dream and destroy everything to start from scratch? I guess it doesn't jibe with Goddess respecting free will though, huh? But, if Goddess respects free will, then why do we have to surrender to Her to acheive peace? Why can't we live in duality and not suffer? If not surrendering to Goddess causes suffering, then eventually we just have to surrender, now, don't we? This does not feel like respect of free will. Can a person not suffer much and not be enlightened?

: And how come humans have egos but animals don't? Well, except for pets, at least, I've noticed some domesticated animals have small egos. And if listening to the instincts of the body and not thinking is bliss, then how come some humans and animals are pre-wired with faulty instincts that inevitably cause some fatal pain or death? Is everything just a huge Cosmic accident, or is there any underlying principle? Why do I somehow feel that everything is not quite nothingness, but just huge potential waiting to happen? And if we think better with our onconscious minds, why have a conscious mind to begin with? Did Goddess create ego, or did it just accidentally happen, and that ego went on to create more egos?

: Am I experiencing kundalini psychosis or am I just being severely brain-f**cked for no apparent reason? Cause this stuff has been bothering me since I was very young. I have almost committed suicide over it in the past. I realize I am trying to comprehend the Cosmos with the stupid part of my brain, but my ego needs reasons to surrender, and I can't surrender to something I don't trust. And I've been asking Goddess for things, but I don't trust her to deliver them because they might be construed as egotistical requests, and I feel guilty for wanting egotistical stuff. Like I hate working and I want to be rich without having to work so I can just go to school for the rest of my life, read zillions of books, travel the world and never have to do chores. Or at the very least make big wages working part-time. Or I want to be completely gorgeous, but I feel bad about being so obsessed with my looks. So I want Goddess to make me rich and gorgeous, but feel bad for asking and wanting. Ack!!! I'm afraid that if I surrender all to the Goddess, she'll decide that being poor, average-looking, disabled and stuck in crap jobs is what's best for me. I'm fairly certain that's NOT my bliss.

: So I'm really mad at Goddess and I don't trust Her at all, really. And I spent a couple of days this week majorly screaming at her in my head. I woke up one day to go to work and I screamed silently, 'Why can't you make me rich so I never have to work again!!!!' And fell back asleep, and dreamed I strained my solar plexus and back. And then I woke up with major anguish in my solar plexus and back. And stayed home from work. Sadly, my request only worked for a day.

: I know that the key to happiness is openining my heart chakra. A couple of times I feel in love and had a heart chakra awakening. It was amazing! It triggered so much physical healing. And I just want that feeling all the time. But I really sometimes just hate Goddess for making it so hard for me. I really don't want it to be hard anymore. I just want to take it easy, and cruise to enlightenment. Is this ego-based? Darnit all, I could surrender if I could just trust, but the existential conflict is standing in the way. The age-old questions just won't quit.

: On a lighter note, I am starting to communicate with my DB. He does some funny stuff!!! Like when I'm grounding I have trouble clearing my mind cause I'm bored by nothingness and have a tendency to think of several things at once. Hey, is that a sign of ADD? I'll check out the links on domin8rex on ADD. So the other night I was grounding and getting frustrated cause my brain kept distracting me. So DB put this vision of a blond muscly guy in my head who was dressed like a Chipendale dancing around to I Want Your Sex by George Michael!! Now, this is not my type of guy at all, but I was so amused at the dancing blond dude I did nothing but watch him dance til I fell asleep. So my mind was not clear, but at least it was focused on just one thing. If you knew me well, you'd be amazed at how unusual that is for my Gemini brain. I think DB likes to distract me with novelties and bizarre images so he can do his thing without ego getting in the way. Cause it's the only way to get me to stop thinking!!! I also think there was some communication in the song too. I've been having lucid dreams and waking up with K-fire running rampant through me as well. And today I turned off my alarm when I woke up and feel back asleep; there was only me at home, so no one was there to make sure I got to work. And had a lucid dream where my b/f came into the room and was stressed cause I was late for work. And I could hear my b/f's voice clear as a bell, and heard him rattling around in the bedroom. And then I woke, and then went back to sleep again!!! What can I say, K is giving me more chronic fatigue. And then I dreamed I was fired for too many lates and absentses (which will be a possibility if I don't clean up my act!!). So DB was determined to get me to work, and did. Thank you, DB.

: I've noticed DB responds to what I put my energy into. If I think of scary stuff, I get images of undead, demons, ghosts, wraiths. DB generally shows up as a Lucifer-ish creature wearing ginni pants, sitting cross-legged and sitting in mid-air. At least I think that's him, I dunno, I'm not clear enough to tell. If I focus on good stuff, I see fey and angels. I'm seeing images of myself a lot too. Sometimes I look like a wraith and other times I look damn good!!!! Not quite my ideal, but pretty good for me. God, I'm vain, is vanity a 2nd chakra thing? Mystress, I know you have a beauty spell posted on domin8rex, so how come I feel so guilty about my looks? Should I really feel guilty about wanting something which is clearly a natural survival and evolutionary advantage? ARRGGG!!! Existential grief on one end and vanity and materialism on the other. Is there such a thing as top-down/bottom-up/meet-in-the-middle awakening? Or is that just my ego labelling stuff again?

: I'm not scared of death, but I'm really afraid of nothingness. To me, nothingness is the worst imaginable fate. Stuff like Zen koans and the Tao seem to point to nihilism, and I hate nihilism.

: I really don't know if I want enlightenment. I just want to take it easy, be rich and gorgeous, have lots of wonderful, amazing friends, and live in a fantasy world peopled by elves, faeries, unicorns, dragons and sylves. And I want the universe to make sense!!!! I don't want everything to be paradoxes and contradictions. That's why I stopped being Christian. Mystress says higher learning is experiential and has to be done through the Goddess part of my brain, but I don't feel comfortable surrendering to that part until I can fully trust it. I guess I just want reassurance that maybe things will start making sense as I surrender to the Goddess. I just feel really confused, and stuck in an astral emotional loop.

: I apologize for my abuse of italics/caps, folks. Thanks.

: Sabrina

[Shara]

Hi Sabrina,

  There are times when the energy is high that so many thoughts and ideas and questions can come into my mind that it can feel overwhelming.  I have heard others say this, too, and it seems from reading your post that there are so many big questions and doubts and new developments for you, and you are feeling overwhelmed.

 Several things that have helped me get through this are first to ground.  I ground anywhere, in any physical position, in any place, at any time I feel the need.  And there are times I need to do it quite often, especially when the energy is running high.  I also ground by creating-anything will do... I work on tapestry, but cooking, writing, dancing...anything to work out some of my "stuff."  Sabrina, you seem to be very expressive and if you are not doing this already, I would think it would work well for you.  Mystress writes about this in the Other Forms of Grounding lesson.  I also do a lot of clearing on days like this, surrendering to Goddess, as all these thoughts and ideas are attachmnents, and they are being brought up to be released.  Some are not so easily released and usually that means I have to dig a bit deeper to see what's underneath.

  I have had to get very honest with myself about whether I want drama (which can be fun ) or peace.  There are times that it's quite a high to fly on a wave of energy, kind of like a manic state.  Unfortunately, what comes up....must come down. I have no right to complain when I'm crashing and burning.  Eventually, you get tired of that.

  The only other thing I would add is that this whole journey is not about making you a new and better person--- it's about helping you to remember how beautiful you already are.  When you do, your heart will open like a flower to the sun and you'll hold yourself tenderly.

 Or at least that's what all the brochures say!

                   Regards, Shara