Vampirism

Nadine · Aug 23, 2002, 12:02:35 PM

Hello Mystress and fellow FST members!

I read your post Carla, and I have a lot of questions about this issue as well.

I'm going to try to keep this post short:

I'm concerned about love/vampirism. How can I make certain that the love and affection I feel for people does not turn into vampirism? I fall in love with everybody (not romantic love, just love). I've been told this makes people uncomfortable ("why does she love me???") Recently, I have been directing the love towards me. Listening without talking. Loving the person, but inside me, as if the world was a hologram in my heart.

What is the proper way to address someone as their higher self? Such as the proper way to inwardly address you, Mystress? If I picture the likeness of the person as if "aglow with inner light", is the intention clear enough?

Also, please consider this situation that happened to me in the past, which still needs clearing up: a man meets a woman, and the sexual chemistry between them is just exquisite, like making love to oneself. They make out and explore a lot for a month, which increases the energy between the two. The woman becomes very enthousiastic and grateful for the abundance, inwardly, (not expressed in words or outer gestures, except for reverent sexual enthousiasm, and through the eyes) and the man, sensing this, begins to detach and refutes her, disdainful of her openness. Who is the vampire in this situation? Both?

The reason I ask, is the times I was accused of "vampirism" was with 3 men with whom the sexual chemistry was incredibly natural, free, clear and flowing. I've always just assumed that they were just afraid of losing themselves to the incredible energy and that they "labelled" me vampire to feel better about chickening out of the relationship (also, the mother of their future children was not allowed not be sexually free, silly boys LOL). I felt that my love vibration was resonating in their heart, and it made them uncomfortable. Did I assume wrong, like assumptions usually are? These men may have been 3, but in my inner life, they feel like the same person. I experienced this same event 3 times, and I'm still not sure I learned my lesson.

FYI, with my husband, who "coincidently" has very solid bounderies, our sexual connection is lovely, and is limited to that, sexual expression for the goal of orgasm, and affection, nothing too intense or soul stirring - "we're so busy", you know LOL.

One more thing, since I've been taking the course, he is beginning to feel the shakti fields, and finds the "tummo fire" disturbing. He assumes it is the summer heat (we have air conditionning!), or bad digestion. Am I being a vampire??? He's not complaining about the mind-blowing orgasms though LOL.

Mystress, do we learn more about this in the 2nd part of the course? I don't think ignorance of the law is a good excuse for Goddess.

Thank you,

Nadine

Mystress · Aug 24, 2002, 08:05:25 AM

: Hello Mystress and fellow FST members!

Hello, Nadine!

: I read your post Carla, and I have a lot of questions about this issue as well.

: I'm going to try to keep this post short:

: I'm concerned about love/vampirism. How can I make certain that the love and affection I feel for people does not turn into vampirism? I fall in love with everybody (not romantic love, just love). I've been told this makes people uncomfortable ("why does she love me???") Recently, I have been directing the love towards me.

Good! Do not project anything onto someone else.. not even love! We all have our own definitions of love, so projecting your definition onto someone else engages you in an energy-argument on an unconscious level. Where your attention goes, your energy goes so keep your inner eye on your own heart, surrender and Goddess has it handled! When you send energy inwards, directed at Goddess within yourself your energy field takes on a kind of universal sweetness... Goddess is doing it, not your ego thinking of what someone else needs!

: Listening without talking. Loving the person, but inside me, as if the world was a hologram in my heart.

If that were so, they would not find it uncomfortable.

: What is the proper way to address someone as their higher self? Such as the proper way to inwardly address you, Mystress? If I picture the likeness of the person as if "aglow with inner light", is the intention clear enough?

Why do you want to? I do prefer for students to contact my higher self, if they really need to call on me... tho honestly, I prefer to book a session. In the real world, connecting with the HS of a person when their physical self is right there, is kind of sneaky. Deal with who they present, that is consensual. With me, clarity of intention is enough.

: Also, please consider this situation that happened to me in the past, which still needs clearing up: a man meets a woman, and the sexual chemistry between them is just exquisite, like making love to oneself. They make out and explore a lot for a month, which increases the energy between the two. The woman becomes very enthousiastic and grateful for the abundance, inwardly, (not expressed in words or outer gestures, except for reverent sexual enthousiasm, and through the eyes) and the man, sensing this, begins to detach and refutes her, disdainful of her openness. Who is the vampire in this situation? Both?

: The reason I ask, is the times I was accused of "vampirism" was with 3 men with whom the sexual chemistry was incredibly natural, free, clear and flowing. I've always just assumed that they were just afraid of losing themselves to the incredible energy and that they "labelled" me vampire to feel better about chickening out of the relationship (also, the mother of their future children was not allowed not be sexually free, silly boys LOL). I felt that my love vibration was resonating in their heart, and it made them uncomfortable. Did I assume wrong, like assumptions usually are?

Yeah, I think so. Did you ever consider that what they are saying might be true? If something comes up three times, look for truth.

Energetically speaking, sex is a better deal for a woman than a man. Wand of light into sacred space. Why do you think men are tired after sex? They pour their energy into a woman, and if all they get back is her asking for more... it feels to them like they are unable to satisfy you, they feel like less of a man.

Asking for more is not enough. The food you give them back, is ego stroking. Women need to feel beautiful, desired, men need to feel like a hero. Nothing can make a man feel like a hero, like the adoration of a woman. She can be ugly as medusa, but if she is feeding his need to be a hero, then she becomes a Goddess beauty, in his eyes. Worthy of worship and sacrifice.

What is wrong with expressing the gratitude in words and deeds? Why don't you? You have some scarcity consciousness around that? I always thank my lovers after sex, and make sure they know I think they are wonderful, in bed and out. As lovers, as human beings, as gods, and Goddess gift to the woman I am.

It is not hard to figure out what kind of ego-food a man needs. Notice what he is proud of about himself, and make him prouder. Notice what he is insecure about, and tell him it is a fabulous gift. Tell him *he* is a fabulous gift, and you are very grateful to have him in your life. Tell him, and show him... do things he likes. Be generous.

Why do you think I have all these fabulous men around me? Because I'm so special? Heh, they will say so, but what makes me special is how I make them feel. Then men in my life know that they are loved and appreciated, and I think they are a gift of Goddess for which I am very grateful.

The look in your eyes is not enough, studies have shown that women are about 90% better at reading and interpreting facial expressions than men are. Men are action oriented. Not only are most men not mind readers, they are not face readers either. Words and deeds carry the message.

Feminism gave women a lot of wrong ideas about men, and that is partly why divorce rates are so high these days. Women have become selfish, and dismiss male needs as silly. Men need stroking of their masculine egos, like they need air, and it is so easy for women to give them that... a few minutes of your time building him up is worth an hour or more, in his time. Easy for you to give, and essential to his needs.

A man will do backflips, climb mountains and battle dragons, for a woman who makes him feel like a hero. Not only that, but when you make him feel like a hero, he becomes one. Your hero, who will work hard all day like a little ant and do battle in the boardroom and be generous in the bedroom to take care of his essential food source. You. Men need women more than women need men, and what they need from them is not sex, it is stroking.

You have been a vampire, Nadine. Time to change your ways.

: These men may have been 3, but in my inner life, they feel like the same person. I experienced this same event 3 times, and I'm still not sure I learned my lesson.

: FYI, with my husband, who "coincidently" has very solid bounderies, our sexual connection is lovely, and is limited to that, sexual expression for the goal of orgasm, and affection, nothing too intense or soul stirring - "we're so busy", you know LOL.

He has good boundaries, he won't let you suck him dry. He gives you his reasons and your laughter is doubtless humiliating to him. Your man has built a wall to keep you out, and you are the one who taught him he needs it.

Our grandmothers marriages lasted a lifetime, because they were never told they are less of a woman if they feed their man's ego.

Throw your feminist ego out the window, it is only insecurity. Seeking equality with men is a step down, women have all the power in relationships, and always have. Be generous with him, and he will be generous with you. How much effort does it take to make a man feel good about himself? Pennies, in your coin, but it is gold to him... and gold is what he will give you back.

I salute the suffragettes, and all the great women who paved the way for me to have the freedoms I cherish... but frankly, most modern feminist are idiots when it comes to relationships. They want men to change... they are trying to teach a fish to fly, and get all bent out of shape and call the fish inadequate when it doesn't work... which does not motivate the fish, in the least. Women are infinitely more adaptable, and practical. Women can be generous without being submissive or giving themselves away. Men want a good deal, and a woman who makes them feel like a hero, is a woman worth making the effort to change for.

: Mystress, do we learn more about this in the 2nd part of the course? I don't think ignorance of the law is a good excuse for Goddess.

Sure. I've ended up writing an essay, might as well make it a lesson...

blessings..

: Thank you,

: Nadine

Lady C · Aug 24, 2002, 06:42:34 PM

Hi.

This is such good info for me right now...last nite I needed to stroke an ego, but though I
knew after the fact that he had needed to hear how good he was, I didn%rsquot realize that giving it
to him would%rsquove allowed the conversation to progress instead of coming to a halt. I%rsquove
snipped a little of the good stuff but had one thing to comment about...

: Asking for more is not enough. The food you give them back, is ego stroking.
Women need to feel beautiful, .....Be generous...for women to give them that... a few
minutes of your time building him up is worth an hour or more, in his time. Easy for you
to give, and essential to his needs.

: A man will do backflips, climb mountains and battle dragons, for a woman who makes
him feel like a hero. Not only that, but when you make him feel like a hero, he becomes
one. Your hero, who will work hard all day like a little ant and do battle in the boardroom
and be generous in the bedroom to take care of his essential food source. You. Men need
women more than women need men, and what they need from them is not sex, it is
stroking.

I%rsquod like to interject something here. Some men carry around tons of baggage that keeps
them from feeling worthy. No matter how a woman sees one of these guys, the more she
strokes him, the more he has to prove his unworthiness. It%rsquos like it%rsquos her fault for having
the audacity to see him as worthy of her love and adoration. When she gives and strokes and he
takes, all is well until he does something that *he* perceives as wrong, and she either
doesn%rsquot notice or lets it pass. Then they are both on the road to coey (codependent) hell
and there%rsquos not much fixing to be done from there, imo. I think it has something to do
with patriarchy...instinctively, worship of the Goddess is nature. But, since the creation
of patriarchy, worship of a God is illogical in nature. That gives men and women an
inherent confusion from the get-go.

: blessings..

And to you,

Carla

Mystress · Aug 25, 2002, 06:31:35 PM

: Hi.

: This is such good info for me right now...last nite I needed to stroke an ego, but though I
: knew after the fact that he had needed to hear how good he was, I didn%rsquot realize that giving it
: to him would%rsquove allowed the conversation to progress instead of coming to a halt. I%rsquove
: snipped a little of the good stuff but had one thing to comment about...

: : Asking for more is not enough. The food you give them back, is ego stroking.
: Women need to feel beautiful, .....Be generous...for women to give them that... a few
: minutes of your time building him up is worth an hour or more, in his time. Easy for you
: to give, and essential to his needs.

: : A man will do backflips, climb mountains and battle dragons, for a woman who makes
: him feel like a hero. Not only that, but when you make him feel like a hero, he becomes
: one. Your hero, who will work hard all day like a little ant and do battle in the boardroom
: and be generous in the bedroom to take care of his essential food source. You. Men need
: women more than women need men, and what they need from them is not sex, it is
: stroking.

: I%rsquod like to interject something here. Some men carry around tons of baggage that keeps
: them from feeling worthy. No matter how a woman sees one of these guys, the more she
: strokes him, the more he has to prove his unworthiness.

I understand what you are trying to say, but ... Such a male is not likely to become involved in a relationship, in the first place. His unworthiness would stop the relationship before it started. They would not make it to the first date, let alone to intimacy and the need for stroking.
Thanks for sharing... Blessings!

It%rsquos like it%rsquos her fault for having
: the audacity to see him as worthy of her love and adoration. When she gives and strokes and he
: takes, all is well until he does something that *he* perceives as wrong, and she either
: doesn%rsquot notice or lets it pass. Then they are both on the road to coey (codependent) hell
: and there%rsquos not much fixing to be done from there, imo. I think it has something to do
: with patriarchy...instinctively, worship of the Goddess is nature. But, since the creation
: of patriarchy, worship of a God is illogical in nature. That gives men and women an
: inherent confusion from the get-go.

: : blessings..

: And to you,

: Carla

Nadine · Aug 25, 2002, 11:20:52 PM

Hello Mystress,

I appreciate your honesty, and was surprised not so much by your response, but about the need for me to treat my man like a hero. My husband's main praises for me are (1) my cooking (2) how I make him feel like a hero.

He loves it when I smile and laugh. He tells me it is his food. That's why maybe you sensed that I "inwardly" encourage humour and laughter a lot. He really needs it.

When I was with that man that I was crazy for for one month, in my gestures, compliments and eyes I was generous, not in my words such as "I love you" and making future plans. The one of two reasons he gave me for leaving me was not literally "vampirism", it was that "I try too hard to please him" (easy to read vampirism into that).

Mystress Angelique, I swear to you, you could not a find a sweetest, kindest, more giving, open-minded, generous woman in a ten-mile radius toward her man. Anyone who knows me will tell you so.

These habits may have in part grown out of my needs for fulfillment, certainly. I have taken my love life with a great deal of respect and enthousiasm, and do not write a lot details because I want to keep things down to the essential. I write enough as it is!

I think I may have been a vampire because of my needs, and I am so sorry, but outwardly my gestures and intentions have been just ideal, which brings me to think that INWARDLY there must be things that taint my expressions.

Which is why I am taking your course, among many reasons. It's OK if it's not "my" way, I just want to find the right way.

With deepest gratitude,

Nadine

: : Listening without talking. Loving the person, but inside me, as if the world was a hologram in my heart.

: If that were so, they would not find it uncomfortable.

Mystress, I am just now learning this, I do hope it will be sustained long enough, and I have yet been unable to to sustain 100% of the time. But I endeavour.

: : Hello Mystress and fellow FST members!

: Hello, Nadine!

: : I read your post Carla, and I have a lot of questions about this issue as well.

: : I'm going to try to keep this post short:

: : I'm concerned about love/vampirism. How can I make certain that the love and affection I feel for people does not turn into vampirism? I fall in love with everybody (not romantic love, just love). I've been told this makes people uncomfortable ("why does she love me???") Recently, I have been directing the love towards me.

: Good! Do not project anything onto someone else.. not even love! We all have our own definitions of love, so projecting your definition onto someone else engages you in an energy-argument on an unconscious level. Where your attention goes, your energy goes so keep your inner eye on your own heart, surrender and Goddess has it handled! When you send energy inwards, directed at Goddess within yourself your energy field takes on a kind of universal sweetness... Goddess is doing it, not your ego thinking of what someone else needs!

: : Listening without talking. Loving the person, but inside me, as if the world was a hologram in my heart.

: If that were so, they would not find it uncomfortable.

: : What is the proper way to address someone as their higher self? Such as the proper way to inwardly address you, Mystress? If I picture the likeness of the person as if "aglow with inner light", is the intention clear enough?
:
: Why do you want to? I do prefer for students to contact my higher self, if they really need to call on me... tho honestly, I prefer to book a session. In the real world, connecting with the HS of a person when their physical self is right there, is kind of sneaky. Deal with who they present, that is consensual. With me, clarity of intention is enough.

: : Also, please consider this situation that happened to me in the past, which still needs clearing up: a man meets a woman, and the sexual chemistry between them is just exquisite, like making love to oneself. They make out and explore a lot for a month, which increases the energy between the two. The woman becomes very enthousiastic and grateful for the abundance, inwardly, (not expressed in words or outer gestures, except for reverent sexual enthousiasm, and through the eyes) and the man, sensing this, begins to detach and refutes her, disdainful of her openness. Who is the vampire in this situation? Both?

: : The reason I ask, is the times I was accused of "vampirism" was with 3 men with whom the sexual chemistry was incredibly natural, free, clear and flowing. I've always just assumed that they were just afraid of losing themselves to the incredible energy and that they "labelled" me vampire to feel better about chickening out of the relationship (also, the mother of their future children was not allowed not be sexually free, silly boys LOL). I felt that my love vibration was resonating in their heart, and it made them uncomfortable. Did I assume wrong, like assumptions usually are?

: Yeah, I think so. Did you ever consider that what they are saying might be true? If something comes up three times, look for truth.

: Energetically speaking, sex is a better deal for a woman than a man. Wand of light into sacred space. Why do you think men are tired after sex? They pour their energy into a woman, and if all they get back is her asking for more... it feels to them like they are unable to satisfy you, they feel like less of a man.

: Asking for more is not enough. The food you give them back, is ego stroking. Women need to feel beautiful, desired, men need to feel like a hero. Nothing can make a man feel like a hero, like the adoration of a woman. She can be ugly as medusa, but if she is feeding his need to be a hero, then she becomes a Goddess beauty, in his eyes. Worthy of worship and sacrifice.

: What is wrong with expressing the gratitude in words and deeds? Why don't you? You have some scarcity consciousness around that? I always thank my lovers after sex, and make sure they know I think they are wonderful, in bed and out. As lovers, as human beings, as gods, and Goddess gift to the woman I am.

: It is not hard to figure out what kind of ego-food a man needs. Notice what he is proud of about himself, and make him prouder. Notice what he is insecure about, and tell him it is a fabulous gift. Tell him *he* is a fabulous gift, and you are very grateful to have him in your life. Tell him, and show him... do things he likes. Be generous.

: Why do you think I have all these fabulous men around me? Because I'm so special? Heh, they will say so, but what makes me special is how I make them feel. Then men in my life know that they are loved and appreciated, and I think they are a gift of Goddess for which I am very grateful.

: The look in your eyes is not enough, studies have shown that women are about 90% better at reading and interpreting facial expressions than men are. Men are action oriented. Not only are most men not mind readers, they are not face readers either. Words and deeds carry the message.

: Feminism gave women a lot of wrong ideas about men, and that is partly why divorce rates are so high these days. Women have become selfish, and dismiss male needs as silly. Men need stroking of their masculine egos, like they need air, and it is so easy for women to give them that... a few minutes of your time building him up is worth an hour or more, in his time. Easy for you to give, and essential to his needs.

: A man will do backflips, climb mountains and battle dragons, for a woman who makes him feel like a hero. Not only that, but when you make him feel like a hero, he becomes one. Your hero, who will work hard all day like a little ant and do battle in the boardroom and be generous in the bedroom to take care of his essential food source. You. Men need women more than women need men, and what they need from them is not sex, it is stroking.

: You have been a vampire, Nadine. Time to change your ways.

: : These men may have been 3, but in my inner life, they feel like the same person. I experienced this same event 3 times, and I'm still not sure I learned my lesson.

: : FYI, with my husband, who "coincidently" has very solid bounderies, our sexual connection is lovely, and is limited to that, sexual expression for the goal of orgasm, and affection, nothing too intense or soul stirring - "we're so busy", you know LOL.

: He has good boundaries, he won't let you suck him dry. He gives you his reasons and your laughter is doubtless humiliating to him. Your man has built a wall to keep you out, and you are the one who taught him he needs it.

: Our grandmothers marriages lasted a lifetime, because they were never told they are less of a woman if they feed their man's ego.

: Throw your feminist ego out the window, it is only insecurity. Seeking equality with men is a step down, women have all the power in relationships, and always have. Be generous with him, and he will be generous with you. How much effort does it take to make a man feel good about himself? Pennies, in your coin, but it is gold to him... and gold is what he will give you back.

: I salute the suffragettes, and all the great women who paved the way for me to have the freedoms I cherish... but frankly, most modern feminist are idiots when it comes to relationships. They want men to change... they are trying to teach a fish to fly, and get all bent out of shape and call the fish inadequate when it doesn't work... which does not motivate the fish, in the least. Women are infinitely more adaptable, and practical. Women can be generous without being submissive or giving themselves away. Men want a good deal, and a woman who makes them feel like a hero, is a woman worth making the effort to change for.

:
: : Mystress, do we learn more about this in the 2nd part of the course? I don't think ignorance of the law is a good excuse for Goddess.

: Sure. I've ended up writing an essay, might as well make it a lesson...

: blessings..

: : Thank you,

: : Nadine

Mystress · Aug 26, 2002, 03:53:43 PM

Nadine:
In your first post, you wrote:

::The reason I ask, is the times I was accused of "vampirism" was with 3 men with whom the sexual chemistry was incredibly natural, free, clear and flowing. I've always just assumed that they were just afraid of losing themselves to the incredible energy and that they "labelled" me vampire to feel better about chickening out of the relationship ...

Then you write:

: The one of two reasons he gave me for leaving me was not literally "vampirism", it was that "I try too hard to please him" (easy to read vampirism into that).

You have completely contradicted yourself with these two statements. I don't know how the men you were with felt about such behavior, but I know I feel like I have been lied to. I feel like you jumped on the "Vampirism" thread because you wanted attention, then when the attention you got was not like you wanted, you swapped ends, went into denial. Those are my feelings...

If I set my feelings aside, I wonder why you would you read vampirism into their telling you that you are too nice? Some part of you is telling you that you are a vampire?

This kind of attention getting behavior is a type of vampirism. I may have been mistaken in the details, but my power chakra tells me when I am dealing with a vampire.

There is another name for it, it is called "passive aggression." People who are passively aggressive are always very "nice." They do not have the courage to be openly aggressive, that would not fit with their ego image of themselves, and they are afraid of conflict, so they pull strings and manipulate, waste people's time and use various other methods to be aggressive, smiling and being "nice," even apologetic, all the while... which makes it hard for their victims to pinpoint exactly why the behavior leaves them feeling pissed off and manipulated.

I am not pissed off at you, I recognise that this has come up "As Goddess Wills."

Passive aggressive people tend not to take responsibility for what they create, it is always some one else's problem... ie: you suggesting the men did not have the courage to handle your love... and in a private post, that my observations of you are a misunderstanding. It makes me wonder why you would want someone who does not understand you, to be your guide. I am human, I do make errors, but maybe I do understand you, but you don't like what I reflect... denial.

Passive aggressive behavior is unconscious, the people who do it firmly believe that they are very "nice", and their attachment to that ego belief is what pushes their aggression underground, where it comes out as an unconscious control game.

Digging it out and facing it is hard, it is shadow work. Facing that which you believe you are not.

: I think I may have been a vampire because of my needs, and I am so sorry, but outwardly my gestures and intentions have been just ideal, which brings me to think that INWARDLY there must be things that taint my expressions.

Yes. Exactly so. It is important that you are realizing that there is something unconscious happening. You describe your beahvior as "ideal", yet obviously people are not responding to it in a positive way. Do a web search on the term, "passive aggression" Look deep into your shadow.

Passive aggression occurs as an unconscious defense, when a child is in a situation where they feel they cannot say no. The shadow says no instead, using passive aggression: unconscious sabotage, emotional manipulation and blame. Unconscious control dramas. I also find it very common among people who have an ego that they are very "spiritual."

Digging it up and facing it is no fun, I know, I have been there too... it is a very humbling experience.

Blessings...

Nadine · Aug 27, 2002, 03:17:23 PM

Hello Mystress,

I read several of the links you provide at the bottom of the page. This expression may be tainted, but I still want to express my gratitude for all the time and advice you have given me. This lesson is of deep importance for me.

From the links I read, it appears that since this vampire aspect of me is present in my being, any nicety such as the one above will be tainted by manipulation. I.e. The higher self part of me that feels the simple gratitude, and the vampire part of me that utilises the Goddess portion of the message because I hope that you will continue to provide the help that I undoubtedly need by showing you I appreciate it. My body is shaking a lot right now, does this mean I%rsquom releasing?

Meanwhile, I know I%rsquom lucky to have you to be so honest with me. I realise that my niceness is also a form of ensuring that things go the way I want them to.

This is going to be a long post, as I am going to reply with seriousness, since this work is very useful in terms of discovery. Feel free to read or not read, reply or not reply, although, of course, I would like it if you did. My replies begin with %ldquoreply%rdquo:

Nadine:

In your first post, you wrote:

::The reason I ask, is the times I was accused of "vampirism" was with 3 men with whom the sexual chemistry was incredibly natural, free, clear and flowing. I've always just assumed that they were just afraid of losing themselves to the incredible energy and that they "labelled" me vampire to feel better about chickening out of the relationship ...

Then you write:

: The one of two reasons he gave me for leaving me was not literally "vampirism", it was that "I try too hard to please him" (easy to read vampirism into that).

You have completely contradicted yourself with these two statements. I don't know how the men you were with felt about such behaviour, but I know I feel like I have been lied to. I feel like you jumped on the "Vampirism" thread because you wanted attention, then when the attention you got was not like you wanted, you swapped ends, went into denial. Those are my feelings...

Reply: I kept my statements general because I don%rsquot want to be too detailed, it would have been too long to write the exact reason for each of the men, I just sensed the vampire commonality. The first man said I was a vampire outright, and the other two radiated the same energy as the first. I do think you see aspects of myself that I am blind to, that I am too much of a coward (I used to think I was too stupid to know what it was) to look at, and I thank you, because who else will tell me? When I replied to the posts yesterday, I had looked at the surface of the message and replied instantly. The outward behaviour you described seemed not accurate, but upon further reflection, I found it fit the inward. I looked at the inward message that you transmitted to me, if that makes any sense, and sensed it was true.

If I set my feelings aside, I wonder why you would you read vampirism into their telling you that you are too nice? Some part of you is telling you that you are a vampire?

Reply: The reason I read vampirism is I think my trying too hard was a form of manipulation, to ensure he loved me or would become addicted to me. I don%rsquot think this issue is black or white, there are good aspects to my expressions. I just realise that as long as I have the underlying vampirism, my outward expressions will always be tainted, no matter how pure I consciously think I am. I feel this now. I am not sure how to act exactly, I guess with caution, but at least I can look at it.

I met my vampire aspect, I think Mystress. I had a dream about 10-11 years ago that I was with 6 or 7 women, with whom I interacted, talked and learned. At the end of the dream, the last one forced me to dance with her. I complied. She had a face of a bland, angry woman. She had superhuman strength in her wiry muscles. She radiated anger and a powerful %ldquosucking%rdquo vortex-like feeling. She also radiated a great deal of sexual energy. By the way, I thought of her when I read about %ldquothe killer nun%rdquo, in the course. The entire dream was so detailed and vivid that I wrote it down. I still have the text somewhere, it might be useful to look at it.

This kind of attention getting behaviour is a type of vampirism. I may have been mistaken in the details, but my power chakra tells me when I am dealing with a vampire.

Reply: I believe you, because whenever I meet woman of power, I feel a tug at my power chakra, and I feel them go into %ldquoprotection mode%rdquo. I had no idea why, but knew I was probably doing something wrong. I thought it was because when I was a child, an otherwise good but bored parent went out of their way to continously find things wrong with me, to have an excuse to scold me for long periods of time. So I thought it was just an old guilt pattern, and could not understand why I was still in that pattern, if I had released it. I%rsquom glad to know %ldquoit%rsquos not the parent%rdquo, that it%rsquos me and that I can do something about it.

When we spoke on the phone and I asked you what you felt from me, if there was anything I needed to know, I was referring to this aspect. I never would have thought that it was a vampire aspect, as it is well hidden, mostly from me, I gather. Since I have always known but did not understand, I took great care to learn appropriate outward behaviour. It%rsquos time now I learn appropriate inward behaviour. I used to think that I was like a tapestry, with many colours and patterns, and I can choose to express this pattern or that colour. I had quantified the vampire aspects of my personality as a colour or a pattern in a corner %ndash I choose not to express that, but rather the other patterns or colours. Would a better metaphor be that I am the tapestry of patterns and colours, but the vampire aspect covers the colours and patterns and prevents them from being seen as they really are?

I%rsquom assuming there is hope for me, that this is my shadow self, an aspect of myself that simply permeates the others unless I learn to integrate/heal/understand it?

Looking deeper, I did write the post for my benefit, which I think is understandable, because I sensed something was amiss but could not put my finger on it. When I read the links on passive aggression, I recognized some of the traits described in patterns of behaviour I expressed sometimes as a young child, but I learned that such outward behaviour was not beneficial. Then, later, I learned that the thoughts of the behaviour were not beneficial either, so I chose to %ldquonot go there%rdquo. So outwardly, and consciously inwardly, there is no manipulation, no idea of manipulation, but that does not mean that this aspect of my being does not exist. So this is my shadow%hellip

There is another name for it, it is called "passive aggression." People who are passively aggressive are always very "nice." They do not have the courage to be openly aggressive, that would not fit with their ego image of themselves, and they are afraid of conflict, so they pull strings and manipulate, waste people's time and use various other methods to be aggressive, smiling and being "nice," even apologetic, all the while... which makes it hard for their victims to pinpoint exactly why the behaviour leaves them feeling pissed off and manipulated.

Reply: This is a lot like my ego, and represents the outward behaviour that fits me as described in passive/aggressive boards. A large part of my motivation to be nice is to ensure that things go smoothly, that people are pleased, because I dislike conflict. Because I am sensitive to people, when they are happy, I am happy. On the surface, it is because I derive satisfaction when I contribute to someone%rsquos well being, the savior cover. Being useful does make me feel good, I don%rsquot deny that. That%rsquos a good program, I think. Coincidently, there is a TV show that I enjoy a lot %ldquoBuffy %ndash The Vampire Slayer%rdquo. The character of Willow is a good girl, sometimes a doormat, a %ldquoyes%rdquo person. Yet, it is revealed that she has the highest propensity for evil out of all of them.

I am not pissed off at you, I recognise that this has come up "As Goddess Wills."

Reply: That%rsquos generous of you. Thank you.

Passive aggressive people tend not to take responsibility for what they create, it is always some one else's problem... ie: you suggesting the men did not have the courage to handle your love... and in a private post, that my observations of you are a misunderstanding. It makes me wonder why you would want someone who does not understand you, to be your guide. I am human, I do make errors, but maybe I do understand you, but you don't like what I reflect... denial.

Reply: The %ldquocourage about my love%rdquo thought is pretty old. I think I learned the lesson with the 3rd. I did not project that thought with the 3rd man. I realised that it would have been easy to think that, but I knew at that point the problem was within me. I grieved silently, and it was actually during this period that I became OK with the idea of not having a lover in my life, when I learned I was enough. I was inspired to use the example of the 3 men because that is when this vampire issue was revealed most honestly to me in the past. I%rsquove done some pretty good work since then, but it will never be good enough if I do not become fully aware of all vampirism tendencies. I refer to people by their proper names usually, not cold references like 3rd man, or even %ldquohusband%rdquo, but I can%rsquot use anyone else%rsquos name on this board, as they are not mine to divulge. A good example of my grasping at straws for blaming outside influences is me blaming my given name, %ldquoNadine%rdquo, for the inner distortion I felt. I thought the %ldquoN%rdquo sounds influenced negativity! I have improved a great deal in terms of blaming other people, but I used to do this a lot in my youth (inwardly, of course%hellip).

The details are unimportant. The underlying truth to your reply was right on, and the fact that you wrote %ldquothe wrong details%rdquo, %ldquocoincidently%rdquo made me realise many things, exactly the things I needed to know, about my pride, my manipulations, my selfishness, etc. Which I will not go into because this is long enough already. As I mentioned in my reply to Carla%rsquos latest post, I think you understand me more than I realised, because even though the words seemed inaccurate, they were not a mistake. It turns out they taught me a great deal more than if you had described the situation %ldquocorrectly%rdquo. And the fact that I reacted strongly in itself is telling. I will try not to be as superficial if this situation comes up again. I know I am very lucky to be guided by you, especially under these circumstances.

Passive aggressive behavior is unconscious, the people who do it firmly believe that they are very "nice", and their attachment to that ego belief is what pushes their aggression underground, where it comes out as an unconscious control game.

Digging it out and facing it is hard, it is shadow work. Facing that which you believe you are not.

Reply: Well, it does not give me fuzzy bunny feelings, but I%rsquom going to do the work in all seriousness. The truth may be bitter at first, but it%rsquos better than denying it. I%rsquom taking responsibility for my shadow.

: I think I may have been a vampire because of my needs, and I am so sorry, but outwardly my gestures and intentions have been just ideal, which brings me to think that INWARDLY there must be things that taint my expressions.
Yes. Exactly so. It is important that you are realizing that there is something unconscious happening. You describe your beahvior as "ideal", yet obviously people are not responding to it in a positive way. Do a web search on the term, "passive aggression" Look deep into your shadow.

Reply: For the past year or so I have felt the need to not make myself too available for social interactions, because I felt despite my good intentions, I was being clumsy in ways I did not understand. Outwardly, most people I know seem to like me a great deal, but I felt I had boundary issues (I did not seem to have many). Since taking your course, things are improving rapidly, and my interactions feel smooth. I am learning to be in my own space, and relate to people in my own space. However, this is a recent development, it is not innate yet, so I be attentive to this. I cannot erase the 33 years it has taken me to get there, nor can I know how it will evolve.

Reading the links, I find that I go out of my way to be agreeable, hoping that people will not behave like the behaviour described in the links! So, while it is certainly worthy that I do not express outwardly the passive aggressive behaviour described in the links, maybe I am aware of these possibilities in myself, so project them onto others, and act nice so they will not play passive aggressive games with me. OK, I%rsquom over-analysing.

Passive aggression occurs as an unconscious defense, when a child is in a situation where they feel they cannot say no. The shadow says no instead, using passive aggression: unconscious sabotage, emotional manipulation and blame. Unconscious control dramas. I also find it very common among people who have an ego that they are very "spiritual."

Reply: Yes, this fits too. I was that child. I will not go into my childhood, as I think it is not important for now. I am very lucky (?), as I seem to have instantaneous karma. I learned quickly that vampire behaviour was rewarded with pain, and so took steps to learn to improve. (I would not have phrased it that way 2 days ago, but that is how I perceive it today). It is true that, if the consequences of my actions had not always been given instantly to me, I may very well have become more outwardly like the people described, the seed was (is) there, and may even have used it to manipulate and control, if I had gotten away with it. But I never do, so felt compelled to learn the %ldquoright%rdquo way to be. I read hundreds of books because of this, which I know does not make me spiritually wise simply because I mentally understand them, and I%rsquove accomplished some useful work, because things have greatly improved in my life, but I see I have been working on the %ldquooutside-in%rdquo instead of %ldquoinside-out%rdquo. If I understand correctly, as long as there is a %ldquovortex%rdquo, all my actions will be tainted, no matter how pure or Goddess-inspired they appear to me, and will never be from the divine, and therefore not really %ldquoreal%rdquo.

Digging it up and facing it is no fun, I know, I have been there too... it is a very humbling experience.

Reply: Thank you for letting me know this. I%rsquod rather face it than deny it Mystress. If I don%rsquot do it, life will give me other humbling experiences anyway. No matter how long I stay on the %ldquoright path%rdquo, that aspect of myself will trip me eventually. I%rsquom not really sure how to proceed. Be honest. Quiet my mind. Release. This is what I will be doing. If you have guidelines for me to follow, I will follow them. I sense how much this lesson is of importance for me, and I hope that as I take the time to understand it, I will express myself from my heart, and not from my vortex.

I don%rsquot know if anyone will ever get to the end of this incredibly long post, but when I read this again in a few months, I sure hope things are clearer and in harmony.

Blessings...

Thank you Mystress Angelique.

Mystress · Aug 28, 2002, 04:33:55 AM

Hi Nadine:
Holy cow! What a post. I'm going to snip generously, because much of this is thinking/processing out loud and sometimes contradicting yourself. In some places you make some effort to face your stuff, but mostly you are spewing reasons, excuses, justifiers.. ego stuff. Did you re-read this before you posted it? Dunno if it is typos or not, but some of it does not make sense.

: Hello Mystress,

: I read several of the links you provide at the bottom of the page.

Why did you not read them all? I read them all, and many more besides, while finding them for you. You could not be bothered to read them, before coming back here and asking for more attention? Vampire.

:This expression may be tainted, but I still want to express my gratitude for all the time and advice you have given me. This lesson is of deep importance for me.

It is apparent that getting attention is more important to you. If you valued the information, you would have read the links.

: From the links I read, it appears that since this vampire aspect of me is present in my being, any nicety such as the one above will be tainted by manipulation. I.e. The higher self part of me that feels the simple gratitude, and the vampire part of me that utilises the Goddess portion of the message because I hope that you will continue to provide the help that I undoubtedly need by showing you I appreciate it. My body is shaking a lot right now, does this mean I%rsquom releasing?

Hopefully... but then it could be that you are nervous, scared... or cold. Why not ask yourself if it is clearing? Why are you asking me?

: Meanwhile, I know I%rsquom lucky to have you to be so honest with me. I realise that my niceness is also a form of ensuring that things go the way I want them to.

Yes, it is a control game. It is good to be polite, but it is also important to be honest with yourself and true to your feelings. Ego can be described as the "social mask", acting differently than you feel. If you are acting differently than you feel to try to control how someone else responds... well, it is rather fruitless, eh? You cannot control what someone else does, no matter what you do... as your experience with the 3 men demonstrated.

You give yourself away to that. If you are so willing to give yourself away for such puny reward, then you must think yourself worthless. If you think you are worthless, why should anyone else think you are important? You did all that stuff to please those men, because you did not think they would love you, for yourself? Do you love you for yourself?

: If I set my feelings aside, I wonder why you would you read vampirism into their telling you that you are too nice? Some part of you is telling you that you are a vampire?

: Reply: The reason I read vampirism is I think my trying too hard was a form of manipulation, to ensure he loved me or would become addicted to me.

Yes. You try to control how another will feel and respond. I spent years as a Dominant, exploring exactly how much power I have to control what someone else does or feels. The answer is "none at all", not unless they allow it.

: I don%rsquot think this issue is black or white,

Bla bla bla..

:there are good aspects to my expressions.

Who are you trying to persuade?

I just realise that as long as I have the underlying vampirism, my outward expressions will always be tainted, no matter how pure I consciously think I am. I feel this now. I am not sure how to act exactly, I guess with caution, but at least I can look at it.

How to act? Be real. No "acting", this is not theatre, it is life. Even as you talk about digging in the shadow, you are still focused on appearances and control. Manipulation.

: I met my vampire aspect, I think Mystress. I had a dream about 10-11 years ago that I was with 6 or 7 women, with whom I interacted, talked and learned. At the end of the dream, the last one forced me to dance with her. I complied. She had a face of a bland, angry woman. She had superhuman strength in her wiry muscles. She radiated anger and a powerful %ldquosucking%rdquo vortex-like feeling. She also radiated a great deal of sexual energy. By the way, I thought of her when I read about %ldquothe killer nun%rdquo, in the course.

The Shadow and the Portal guardian are related, but different. What you describe is nothing like the Portal Guardian... be glad of that!

: Reply: I believe you, because whenever I meet woman of power, I feel a tug at my power chakra, and I feel them go into %ldquoprotection mode%rdquo. I had no idea why, but knew I was probably doing something wrong. I thought it was because when I was a child, an otherwise good but bored parent went out of their way to continously find things wrong with me, to have an excuse to scold me for long periods of time. So I thought it was just an old guilt pattern, and could not understand why I was still in that pattern, if I had released it. I%rsquom glad to know %ldquoit%rsquos not the parent%rdquo, that it%rsquos me and that I can do something about it.

Yeah! Self knowledge is empowerment!

:
: When we spoke on the phone and I asked you what you felt from me, if there was anything I needed to know, I was referring to this aspect.

Why did you not say so? Why play guessing games with me? Is this a test? If you knew about this, why play games of asking me? I have zero patience with people who feel a need to test me. If they are too insecure to have faith, that is not my problem. I have nothing to prove.

:When I read the links on passive aggression, I recognized some of the traits described in patterns of behaviour I expressed sometimes as a young child, but I learned that such outward behaviour was not beneficial. Then, later, I learned that the thoughts of the behaviour were not beneficial either, so I chose to %ldquonot go there%rdquo.

You repressed it. The underlying causes and issues were not released, so the behavior just went underground.

: Reply: This is a lot like my ego, and represents the outward behaviour that fits me as described in passive/aggressive boards. A large part of my motivation to be nice is to ensure that things go smoothly, that people are pleased, because I dislike conflict.

Look at all the effort that goes into controlling what someone else does, how someone else feels. Examine the fear behind it, including the fear of conflict. Conflict is natural. Wanting everybody to always get along, is repressive.

: Because I am sensitive to people, when they are happy, I am happy.

Are you really happy? Can you really be happy if you are giving yourself away to power games motivated by fear? Why does your happiness depend on what someone else does or thinks?

Richard Bach wrote: "If your happiness depends on what someone else does, then you do have a problem."

True happiness comes from within, and it does not need a reason. You have a begging cup held out, for love and approval, happiness from outside of yourself. It will never be filled, and your looking for smoother, better control games helps nothing. You want to exorcise the vampire so more people will love you? Does not work like that. The vampire goes, when you love yourself.

Children need parents love like they need food, but adults can get enough from Source, to not need external approval to feel good about themselves. This whole post is very ungrounded...

: On the surface, it is because I derive satisfaction when I contribute to someone%rsquos well being, the savior cover. Being useful does make me feel good, I don%rsquot deny that. That%rsquos a good program, I think.

Service to other is the spiritual path, but you have to love yourself before you can really love another. Do you really love yourself? How can you, if you are so dependent on external approval? Get your cup filled, from within. Get grounded.

: Coincidently, there is a TV show that I enjoy a lot %ldquoBuffy %ndash The Vampire Slayer%rdquo. The character of Willow is a good girl, sometimes a doormat, a %ldquoyes%rdquo person. Yet, it is revealed that she has the highest propensity for evil out of all of them.

I love that show... yes, Willow the gentle one had the most violent shadow, when she was sufficiently provoked.

: I am not pissed off at you, I recognise that this has come up "As Goddess Wills."

: Reply: That%rsquos generous of you. Thank you.

It is not generous, it is self serving. My own happiness and well being is more important to me, that what someone else does... and it is not dependent on what you do. My own peace in realization is a priority to me, I am not going to give it away to your drama.

I am here, I support you in your process because I enjoy doing it, but I have no illusions that I can control what you do, or even be responsible for whether you grow or not.
Goddess has it handled.

I can give you 58 lessons, with video and exercises, but I cannot force you to read them and integrate them. I can spend all night finding links for you, but I cannot make you read them and face the shadow. I can spend hours doing healing work on you, but I cannot make you be honest with me. I cannot give you faith, or self esteem. Nobody can. You do not love yourself enough to bother to do the work, stop expecting someone else to. The outside reflects the inside.

: Reply: The %ldquocourage about my love%rdquo thought is pretty old. I think I learned the lesson with the 3rd. I did not project that thought with the 3rd man. I realised that it would have been easy to think that, but I knew at that point the problem was within me. I grieved silently, and it was actually during this period that I became OK with the idea of not having a lover in my life, when I learned I was enough. I was inspired to use the example of the 3 men because that is when this vampire issue was revealed most honestly to me in the past. I%rsquove done some pretty good work since then, but it will never be good enough if I do not become fully aware of all vampirism tendencies.

So much thinking... Your ego really likes making macrame projects out of simple linearity. This whole post, it is all ego. Reasons, excuses, analysis... stroking yourself and beating yourself up, alternately. Who judges whether it is "good enough"? Goddess does not judge.

It is really simple, Nadine. People play power games, and feed off each others life energy, because they are not connected to source. Fill yourself, from within, love your self unconditionally, get grounded!!

This is really basic stuff, it is covered in the first lessons of the course. You want me to give you attention, fill your cup for you? Vampire.

: And the fact that I reacted strongly in itself is telling. I will try not to be as superficial if this situation comes up again. I know I am very lucky to be guided by you, especially under these circumstances.

You are being superficial, even as you talk about not being superficial. This stuff, this analysis is all superficial. Your gratitude is superficial, it means nothing to me when your actions speak so loudly to tell me that you do not actually value the guidance enough to use it.

Feel the vampire within you, surrender it, fill the space with love. Ask to be shown, and you will be shown. Go within. As the expression goes, "If you do not go within, you must go without."

It appears to me, you are not really looking within, you are too busy telling yourself stories. Intellectualizing, analysing... just FEEL. Quit hiding out in your head. Quit beating yourself up, and love yourself.

: Reply: For the past year or so I have felt the need to not make myself too available for social interactions, because I felt despite my good intentions, I was being clumsy in ways I did not understand. Outwardly, most people I know seem to like me a great deal, but I felt I had boundary issues (I did not seem to have many).

WHO CARES whether other people like you? WHO CARES if your social interactions are clumsy, so long as they are genuine? Do you see how much you give yourself away to what other people think, or may think, or may do? You cannot control that, and not being able to control it frightened you so much you hid. You will be a lot more peaceful when you stop trying.

There was a lesson on love and happiness that covered all this... did you skip that one too?

Since taking your course, things are improving rapidly, and my interactions feel smooth. I am learning to be in my own space, and relate to people in my own space. However, this is a recent development, it is not innate yet, so I be attentive to this. I cannot erase the 33 years it has taken me to get there, nor can I know how it will evolve.

Surrender.

: Reading the links, I find that I go out of my way to be agreeable, hoping that people will not behave like the behaviour described in the links! So, while it is certainly worthy that I do not express outwardly the passive aggressive behaviour described in the links, maybe I am aware of these possibilities in myself, so project them onto others, and act nice so they will not play passive aggressive games with me. OK, I%rsquom over-analysing.

No shit!

: I know does not make me spiritually wise simply because I mentally understand them, and I%rsquove accomplished some useful work, because things have greatly improved in my life, but I see I have been working on the %ldquooutside-in%rdquo instead of %ldquoinside-out%rdquo.

You have been working on image and appearance, and you still are. These are all ego noises. I see Goddess in you, I also see Nadine running around like a headless chicken trying to change, trying to control, to persuade... anything, but surrender to what Is.

: If I understand correctly, as long as there is a %ldquovortex%rdquo,

Vortex? Every chakra is a vortex... Goddess moves in spirals. How about, a need...? Piles of neediness.

: all my actions will be tainted, no matter how pure or Goddess-inspired they appear to me, and will never be from the divine, and therefore not really %ldquoreal%rdquo.

Ok, surrender to that... you cannot out-think your ego.

: Digging it up and facing it is no fun, I know, I have been there too... it is a very humbling experience.

: Reply: Thank you for letting me know this. I%rsquod rather face it than deny it Mystress.

I'm not sure you are facing it... I think you are talking yourself in circles, to avoid facing it.
Good heavens, I had to face passive agressive tendencies, as well as being a Dominant Sadist! No fun, but worthwhile.

: If I don%rsquot do it, life will give me other humbling experiences anyway. No matter how long I stay on the %ldquoright path%rdquo,

"Right" is an ego judgment... more ego noise. A whole heap of humbling experiences would serve you very well. You might get to understand surrender.

that aspect of myself will trip me eventually. I%rsquom not really sure how to proceed. Be honest. Quiet my mind. Release.

Good idea.

:This is what I will be doing.

Heh.. when do you plan to start?

: If you have guidelines for me to follow, I will follow them.

I dunno, Nadine. This whole post is very ungrounded, which suggests you did not really integrate the foundation lesson of the course.

So, I have to wonder how much of the rest of it sank in... That you made it up to the graduation lesson and yet, you are still looking outward for answers, satisfaction, approval, love and fulfillment tells me that you just did not get it. Pretty much everything you are asking about, in this post is in a lesson somewhere.

I'm not going to give you a "program" to follow. I already did, it is called FST level 1. Lead a horse to water... Maybe this whole vampirism deal is for you to find some humility, enough to really open up and listen!

You would not be the first, to assume intellectual knowledge of the lessons equates with enlightenment. The learning, the growing is experiential. Taking the information and applying it, to yourself and to your life.

You know, the Richard Bach quote I mentioned earlier, is from a book I read when I was 15 years old... and I am still learning and growing from it. The passage before the quote, is a retired messiah expressing his loneliness. Why he retired from the messiah business. Here is the rest of the quote..:
The messiah says

"Tell me why I quit my job... do you know why I quit the Messiah job?"
"Crowds, you said. Everybody wanting you to do their miracles for them."
"Yeah. Not the first, the second. Crowdaphobia is your cross, not mine. It's not the crowds that wear me, it's the kind of crowd that does not care at all about what I came to say. You can walk New York to London on the ocean, pull gold coins out of forever and still not make them care, you know?"
When he said that, he looked lonelier than any man I have ever seen who was still alive. He did not need food or shelter or money or fame. He was dying of his need to say what he knew, and nobody cared enough to listen.
I frowned at him, so as not to cry. "Well, you asked for it", I said. "If your happiness depends on what someone else does, I guess you do have a problem."
He jerked his head up and his eyes blazed as though I had hit him with a wrench. I thought all at once, that it would not be wise to get this guy mad at me. A man fries quick, struck by lightning.
Then he smiled that half-second smile. "You know what, Richard?" he said slowly. "You... are... right!"

Turns out, that was what the Messiah had incarnated to learn.
All this stuff in this post, Nadine... it is really not about you learning or growing, or changing yourself. It is just you wanting attention. Vampire. I could write to you all day long, I could make FST into 580 lessons and it would make no difference. You don't care enough, *about yourself*, to listen. You don't think you are worth it. You do not give your Self the attention you need, so you are always trying to get it elsewhere.

The price of FST is going to increase soon, to near $500 because I want students who believe they are worth it. It is not about what I am worth, I know my work is priceless, most of the essential stuff of FST is on domin8rex.com, for free... avaibale in any local library, a million awakened folks writing the truth they know.

It does get lonely sometimes, not feeling heard... when I notice it, I turn inward, and surrender all my ideas of being any kind of teacher. I am nobody's savior, it is a game. Roleplay, like slave and mistress. I have surrendered this whole course, many times, let go of all attachments. Been ready to just walk away. I know, nobody needs me to do this. I do it because it is fun, sometimes. I see God-dess in everybody, and I see how they make their fears and illusions more important than experiencing that. Simply turning within.

The whole course is macrame, only the grounding is essential. Groiunding and surrender. People do not believe enlightenment can be simple, they think they have to take a course. So, I wrote one. Enlightenment is as simple as getting grounded, and staying grounded, and not letting anything be more important than being grounded, in tune with the Divine, connected to source. Just do that, Goddess will do the rest.

My happiness does not depend on what someone else does... but I really enjoy watching things grow. People, gardens, crystals, ... if there is no growing, I get bored quick and do something else.

This intense Shakti-field I carry, I do not even feel it, myself, any more than I can feel my liver. I get people drawn to me because of it, asking for my attention because the Shakti lazers of my eyes makes them feel good. They could create it within themselves... and some do. Cool!

Others... Nodding at what I say, quoting me and complimenting me, writing me pretty letters of gratitude to get more attention, that mean nothing to me because they do not really hear, they do not walk the talk. It is superficial, there is no growing but only endless drama as they create problems to have a reason to ask for my attention.

Many people, sign up for the course and then get distracted. They make something else more important than inner peace. I don't mind. They can do as they please, it is their life.

How much respect do you show me, and the course itself by spewing all this without even bothering to get grounded, first? I'm not angry about it. It's not my problem. You will do what you will do. Lie to yourself all you like, see where it gets you. You cannot lie to me, I see you.

All this ego noise, this big fat post that you know yourself is far too long, what is it but a huge bid for attention? Vampiric.

I am being generous with my energy, because I enjoy writing. I am also a sadistic bitch and I enjoy smacking people upside the head. Best tough love for a hysteric.

What good would I be to you, if I was being "nice" right now? Patting you on the head? I'd rather make you scream and cry out all your karma. I'd like for you to get pissed enough to be motivated to get off your lazy attention-vampire butt and decide to actually love yourself.

I am a karma vampire. I like eating people's karma, I get a nice buzz feeling it transmuting inside me... tho people dumping it on me can be overwhelming, like having a dump truck of spaghetti poured on your head.
No fun snacking on someone who will not surrender tho, it is like someone giving you a meal then reaching down your throat to take it back. Ouch.

Really.. you know what you need to do, and you are not doing it. I'm not going to do it for you, and I cannot make you. So... Do what you want. That, at least would be more honest than doing what you think someone else wants.

If you had really integrated the lessons, you would know that it is silence and turning inward that is the path. You say so, at the end... as something you plan to do, at some fuzzy point in the future. Heh... ok, when? Rhetorical question, don't answer that. If you are answering, then you are not doing.

I don't think you really seek enlightenment. It is apparent that you find more value in drama, alternating with patting your ego on the back about how much you have grown, and beating yourself up and wallowing in false humility that you make more important than being still and finding Goddess, within.

Well, if that is what you want, fill yer boots... personally tho, I prefer to give my attention to those who are really growing, those who are real. They are more fun to watch. Some of them, get to the point where they realize they really do not need me, and then we can play!

If I want drama, I have about 50 episodes of "Buffy" recorded. Spike is my favorite, he is an unapologetic vampire, cute and very witty. He does not spent time pretending to be "nice", the only thing stopping him from eating people is the chip in his head. He is who he is, his emotions are all right there, on the surface.
I know a few women like that, kick ass pro doms who do not take crap from anybody. They are such fun! No faking... yeah, Spike is fiction, but a great character. I have more respect for him, than for Buffy with her savior trip and her teenage angst.

One of my favorite episodes, Buffy got injected with a demon poison that made her trip into a reality where she was not the slayer, she was in a mental hospital, with her mother still alive, and still married to her father... both of them begging her to give up the drama and be real. She didn't, she went back to the illusion of being the hero. Catatonic. Good, we get to watch more funny vampire drama... but I hope the series ends with her getting killed, and waking up in the mental hopital having finally snapped out of it!

Think I'll go watch some Buffage now...

Be your own hero, Nadine. Be your own savior. Love yourself, give yourself all the attention you try to get externally. Give the gratitude to Goddess for the gift of life.
blessings!

PS: druid just came in and told me there is Spikeage on TV right now! Spike and the ex vengeance demon Anya about to get it on... heh! Goddess provides!

Nadine · Aug 28, 2002, 12:31:45 PM

Yes, of course the long post was vampiric, we have already established that about me. But this could be useful for other students one day, not just me. I'll write in my journal to explore your last post, instead of posting it in the Tea Room.

What else can I say then, but Thank You for your directness and for finding in me what 3 psychologists never found. I did not intend to test you in any way, I truly had no idea. I'll be keeping a low profile for a while until I'm not vampiric, and start from scratch.

I look forward to returning to the Tea Room in due time, when appropriate.

Nadine, aka Vampire

P.S. I have read every single link you have provided, and the links in those links, and then some more. I just had not read the message board link yet before I answered. I take this very seriously.

P.P.S. I love Spike too, I look forward to his return (with his bloody awful poet soul!) in Season 7. The whole cast is extremely talented.

Mystress · Aug 28, 2002, 01:55:45 PM

: Yes, of course the long post was vampiric, we have already established that about me. But this could be useful for other students one day, not just me.

Sigh. Why make it be about what someone else needs, or may need in the future? That is a big part of the whole vampire dynamic, and it is an ego judgment, an illusion. It is mentioned in several lessons, including "Magical ethics":

In one of the other lessons of this course I warn of "The Trap of righteousness".. Observing the hazard of using judgments of "what other people need" as a motive for "Heroic" action. That attitude is what creates the most heinous repressions, from the Drug war to the Spanish Inquisition. "What other people need".. looks like martyrdom, smells like prison. It is the ugliest of emotional projections, because it tramples those it tries to "help" by projecting weakness onto them. It is a separation game of ego.

You are projecting need onto other students, in the future as a motive for your actions. Whom does it serve? It serves you. Your need. Your stories about "what other people need" is the excuse for your actions.
Can you be honest with yourself, about your own needs? Focus on that... on what you are getting out of every situation. Be honest with your selfishness! That is the way to find the shadow. Find the fear behind every "selfless" act.

: I'll write in my journal to explore your last post, instead of posting it in the Tea Room.

As you wish... I'm not telling you not to post to the tea room. Your post was fine, it gave me an opportunity to reflect you.
I am going to be away for two weeks, Aug.31 to Sept 13.
Journal, if you like... but it is more doing. Why not just be still, in the silence? Listening within, instead of speaking or writing.

: What else can I say then, but Thank You for your directness and for finding in me what 3 psychologists never found.

Well, probably they became psychologists because of what *they* think other people need... their career is based on that, so of course, they could not see it, in you. Most people study psychology because of a repressed fear of their own insanity. They are trying to heal themselves, before anyone else finds out they are crazy. That is a generalization, but there is truth in it.

:I did not intend to test you in any way, I truly had no idea.

Eh, contradicting yourself again? Why are you saying this? What is your motive? Is it about what you think I need to hear? It is to cover, or explain what you did?

: I'll be keeping a low profile for a while until I'm not vampiric, and start from scratch.

How will you know when you are not vampiric? What is your motive for keeping a low profile? Is it about what you need, or what you think I need, or is it fear of looking foolish? Ego is going to take some lumps, in this process... but that is good! Quit protecting your ego, start surrendering it.

Starting from scratch would be good, why not do the whole course again, it will look different than the first time, seeing it with new eyes, knowing what you know now.

: I look forward to returning to the Tea Room in due time, when appropriate.

How will you know when it is appropriate? How do you know it is not appropriate, now? How do you measure that? What part of you makes judgments about appropriateness? Why is it important to be appropriate? Is it important? Why?

: Nadine, aka Vampire

Heh... cute.

: P.S. I have read every single link you have provided, and the links in those links, and then some more. I just had not read the message board link yet before I answered. I take this very seriously.

My search on Google brought up about 2000 links... Look within.

: P.P.S. I love Spike too, I look forward to his return (with his bloody awful poet soul!) in Season 7. The whole cast is extremely talented.

Yup, it's fun! Love you... blessings!

Nadine · Aug 28, 2002, 04:15:23 PM

Mystress,

You are a trickster, but I will answer your many questions briefly. Vampire me loves attention and does not resist answering questions.

: How will you know when you are not vampiric? When I comfortably assert myself most times. When I am clear about my motives all the time. When I have spent long periods of time in stillness. I will then be less vampiric.

What is your motive for keeping a low profile? Because I feel the need for quiet introspection, and interacting in the Tea Room will distract me from that. Also, I have a huge energy sucking vampire aspect in me, so not only am I currently storing up negative karma points, but I am feeding my vampire with attention.

Is it about what you need, or what you think I need, or is it fear of looking foolish?

Yes, it is about what I need. I think I need to go within, and the Tea Room is without. It is OK that I look foolish, though not super fun. I would comfortably risk looking foolish in exchange for learning more/improving. Bottom line, it is not OK for me to be sucking up attention like this in the Tea Room.

: :I did not intend to test you in any way, I truly had no idea.

: Eh, contradicting yourself again? Why are you saying this? What is your motive? Is it about what you think I need to hear? It is to cover, or explain what you did?

Rephrase: I had no idea what I was experiencing was vampirism, or called passive/agressiveness. My motive is I simply knew there was something that I was not seeing, and felt you could put your finger on it. And you did!

: : I look forward to returning to the Tea Room in due time, when appropriate.

: How will you know when it is appropriate? I guess that sounded dramatic. I won't be gone long, I just want to make sure I understand my patterns and learn to recognize them before I post again.

How do you know it is not appropriate, now? Because I am an energy sucking vampire and until learn more about my own shadow, my actions are feeding it.

How do you measure that? It feels true when you say my posts are for attention getting. Also, I have been reading a great deal on the matter and have found some really good guidelines to measure against.

What part of you makes judgments about appropriateness? Right now, sometimes by listening to my inner body signals, most times my ego.

Why is it important to be appropriate? Is it important? Why?

It is important to me, because I want to take some time now to learn more about this aspect of myself. It is appropriate for me. Why in general, because we do not have an agreement to work together on this vampire issue, since it is not part of the course. I feel this issue is something that should be pre-FST 1 and that I'm stealing something.

I simply have to seriously look into this. I'll post again soon, with less fangs!

If I don't have the chance to write again before you leave, I wish you a pleasant vacation Mystress!

With deep gratitude for your all your tough love and attention,

Nadine

Mystress · Aug 28, 2002, 09:57:25 PM

This post made me crack up laughing!! Bravo!! Do not respond...

: Mystress,

: You are a trickster,

Hell, yes! Trickster, manipulative, karma vampire who loves poking people. Wheeee!! I love me, exactly as I am.

:but I will answer your many questions briefly. Vampire me loves attention and does not resist answering questions.

: : How will you know when you are not vampiric? When I comfortably assert myself most times. When I am clear about my motives all the time. When I have spent long periods of time in stillness. I will then be less vampiric.

That is very clear. I would perhaps add, staying grounded and well fed from within.

You know, we never really clear the shadow. It will always show up when energy gets low, like rocks that appear at low tide. We clear out the karma blockages, then it is easier to keep the energy up. Get to know your shadow, name it, make friends with it. Then you can recognise it when it appears, and know that it is a sign to ground and surrender and feed yourself from within.

: What is your motive for keeping a low profile? Because I feel the need for quiet introspection, and interacting in the Tea Room will distract me from that. Also, I have a huge energy sucking vampire aspect in me, so not only am I currently storing up negative karma points, but I am feeding my vampire with attention.

I am feeding it too! Eheheheheee!! Well fed vampires are easier to deal with... but I also needed to feed on you, to get you to notice the rocks...

: Is it about what you need, or what you think I need, or is it fear of looking foolish?

: Yes, it is about what I need. I think I need to go within, and the Tea Room is without. It is OK that I look foolish, though not super fun. I would comfortably risk looking foolish in exchange for learning more/improving. Bottom line, it is not OK for me to be sucking up attention like this in the Tea Room.

Heh, yeah it is. But as I wrote privately, this kind of interactive roleplay has come out of our personal connection, it does not usually happen here.

Introspection is good tho, I agree it is what you need now. Some self love and forgiveness too.

: : :I did not intend to test you in any way, I truly had no idea.

: : Eh, contradicting yourself again? Why are you saying this? What is your motive? Is it about what you think I need to hear? It is to cover, or explain what you did?

: Rephrase: I had no idea what I was experiencing was vampirism, or called passive/agressiveness. My motive is I simply knew there was something that I was not seeing, and felt you could put your finger on it. And you did!

Goddess provides...

: : : I look forward to returning to the Tea Room in due time, when appropriate.

: : How will you know when it is appropriate? I guess that sounded dramatic. I won't be gone long, I just want to make sure I understand my patterns and learn to recognize them before I post again.

Good!

: Why is it important to be appropriate? Is it important? Why?

: It is important to me, because I want to take some time now to learn more about this aspect of myself. It is appropriate for me.

That's great! Inward appropriateness.

: Why in general, because we do not have an agreement to work together on this vampire issue, since it is not part of the course.

(shrug) We do, and we are. You think you could make me do something I don't want to do? Heh..nyet! If it is not part of the course, then how could I quote a lesson about it, in my last post?

The game has fulfilled its purpose, you have identified the issue and are looking inward... So, aftercare: this is not the first time I have forced someone to face their PA control games by playing victim. Yeah, manipluative trickster bitch me! hee hee I love me. I'm fun!

: If I don't have the chance to write again before you leave, I wish you a pleasant vacation Mystress!

I will! Blessings...