Sad...

[Sean]

I'm so sad and angry. I was shown something this morning about my past that really filed me with such deep sadness. I thought the church was Goddess. I really did. I felt Goddess in me, and I thought these people knew about this and this was the way. I beleived them. There lies. I tried so hard to find Her in my twisted schooling. I did so many things to myself to make myself holy. Thats what I thought it was. I used to hurt myself, all the time, cause thats what I thought She wanted, pain and suffering, thats what I was taught. I wanted to be a saint, to hurt myself and do all those twisted things and be holy. To hate girls, and hate sin, hate outside people, and hate my body, and be with god. Because thats what god wanted from boys. No matter how much I did, I never felt Her any closer. And I never knew what I was doing to myself really. I thought for sure this was Goddess, this is what I was taught, this is what I beleived. I was a fanatic. A false fanatic. Killing myself for nothing!

When I finnally saw that this is only hurting and pain and nothing gained. I hated it all. I was betrayed. I was destroyed. I hated everything. I thought I was betrayed by Goddess. I hated Her. Everything I did for Her only hurt me. I wasn't holy, I was dead.

Even now I still hated Her even though I know who she is. So many mixed emotions. I didn't know why. I am shown now. She was always there, right there! But I was facing the wrong direction that I was put into. Always that feeling inside, always trying to make Her happy by my pain. This is a reason why I have such a hard time healing myself now. I still think that I am supposed to hurt for god, and this is good. God wants me to hurt... I want to destroy this!!! I want to tear this out!!! I hurts me so much to see this in me....

Damnit! I'm so sad I can't even ground. Nobody understands this. It's impossible to explain. This is in my very core. I'm so angry!!

Now I'm re-parenting myself. Talking myself through this. She is there to help me through too. Goddess wants me to be happy and healthy and enjoy girls and myself and life. This makes Her very happy.

This is why I push Her away even though I want so much to let Her in again. So much work to be done on me, so many thing to be re-taught. So much wasted time. And for what? Nothing... I thought for sure it was Her! I used to pray to statues of mary all the time. Damnit!

I'm just so sad.... Why do people do this?? What the hell is wrong with them? I am filled with so much hate and anger. They caused me to hate what I love so much!

I dont know what to do now, I cant ground... think I'll walk in the tree's for a bit...

Sean

[Percyval]

hiya Sean,

hang in there... sounds like you are getting alot of extreme highs and lows... they will probably smoothe out over time...

anyway, me and lots of others are listening to your posts,even though there often isn't much to say response... just wanted to make sure you know that... we're all on your side...

warmly,

percyval

[Monquie]

Sean,

Hi, I'm new here, but after reading Percyval's post I wanted to just express my support to you. It sounds like you are in a period of reassessing old beliefs and your relationship with the Divine and Life.  I can imagine that this feels bad, even though, according to one Buddhist teacher I once heard, it is when the ground is pulled out from under your feet and you are hanging suspended that you are in the moment of greatest opportunity.

I have the feeling that you are experiencing a lot of things that I haven't gotten to yet in this whole K process, so forgive me if my words seem naive or uninformed.  Just wanted to let you know that I heard you and was praying for you.

Elizabeth (the Monkey)

[Mystress]

:  I'm so sad and angry. I was shown something this morning about my past that really filed me with such deep sadness. I thought the church was Goddess. I really did.

Goddess is All that Is... anywhere you do not see Her, is your illusion.

:  Even now I still hated Her even though I know who she is. So many mixed emotions.

Months ago, we spoke of this. Your issues with your Mother are your issues with Goddess. Your issues with the Mother church are your issues with Goddess... and Goddess is you. When will you forgive yourself? It is Sean whom you are really angry at.  

: I didn't know why. I am shown now. She was always there, right there! But I was facing the wrong direction that I was put into.

Who put you there? Goddess. Sean. The "Wrong direction" is simply, outwards.

: Damnit! I'm so sad I can't even ground. Nobody understands this. It's impossible to explain. This is in my very core. I'm so angry!!

Sean, grow up. It is time you recognise your shadow, your inner demon. It is your friend for life, and it will always be there whenever your energy gets low. Who do you become when you are sad or angry? Look through these tea room posts, read your own past writing as if it was written by someone else, and love that person.

 Whenever your energy gets low, (because you have attached to a judgment, usually... holding back your love) you sing the same sad song of angry resentful victim whom nobody understands.

 It is OK~! Everybody does this, everybody has a shadow, and the shadow is as unique as you are. You have to get to know it, so you can love yourself back into the Light.

No matter how deep the ocean, there are rocks at the bottom and the tide will uncover them if it gets low enough. The water is spiritual energy and the rocks are your shadow. Everything you think you are not. If you read over this post, you will see that you want to tear at yourself worse than others tore at you. Is this love?

 Keep your energy levels high, the rocks do not appear so often, but getting energy levels to stay high requires hauling some rocks into the Light to love them to pieces. The light floats them up to the surface.

 The Shiny Sean is easy to fall in love with and surrender to... but sustaining that, involves loving the Shadow Sean. Surrender is also acceptance. Love and accept yourself, all of yourself. The resistance of wanting to tear things out is not love and acceptance.

 You would not go into the Shadow so often if there was not something you really love about being there. Drama is more fun that peace, eh?

:  Now I'm re-parenting myself. Talking myself through this.

You are! And it is beautiful. So do it. Accept maturity, so you can be a loving parent. Accept responsibility, so you can genuinely surrender it.

: She is there to help me through too. Goddess wants me to be happy and healthy and enjoy girls and myself and life. This makes Her very happy.

Goddess does not judge that. I am not disagreeing with what you are saying, She is there for you!

 I am just suggesting that you make Sean happy, for Sean. Why is it worthwhile to make Sean happy for Goddess sake and not for Sean's sake? Is Sean not worth it, of himself?  

 Goddess loves you unconditionally, She is always there. It is Sean who does not love Sean when he is unhappy. Sean who does not love Sean for making what he thinks were mistakes of the past. Sean does not love Sean reflected in church people...

 Love is amazing, the more of it you give, the more you have. When you try to hold back your love, limit it or deny it to someone, the whole flow gets backed up and you end up in the shadow again. Love the shadow, too.

:
:  This is why I push Her away even though I want so much to let Her in again. So much work to be done on me, so many thing to be re-taught. So much wasted time. And for what? Nothing... I thought for sure it was Her! I used to pray to statues of mary all the time. Damnit!

Nothing is ever wasted. Everything that happens is Divine Will. Goddess is in Mary, and in everything. Ask Her, if your prayers to Mary were heard? Of course they were, you every thought is heard.  Goddess does not care what name you give Her, She/That/I AM is truly nameless, because no name can hold the Infinite.

Every step on the journey was neccessay, to bring you to where you are here and now. You are very young, to be on the path of enlightenment...

 Grow up, Sean. If you want to reparent yourself, then be a man to the whining victim shadow boy. Be a father for him, and love him unconditionally. Do not reject him and tear him away again.

 The work we did in chat, mending the splinter, was like a prayer, or a spell. A statement of intentions, to the Universe, and now the Universe responds, with the process of manifestation. Showing you what must be healed, loved, accepted, surrendered. I warned you, not to attach to anything... but your attaching was inevitable.
:
:  I'm just so sad.... Why do people do this??

Why do you do this? You can have the Light, or your reasons why not...

  Blessings!

:What the hell is wrong with them? I am filled with so much hate and anger. They caused me to hate what I love so much!

: I dont know what to do now, I cant ground... think I'll walk in the tree's for a bit...

:  Sean

[Sean]

Hello me,

That was a shock wasn't it? Learning the reasons why things are the way they are. You always wanted to know, and now you do. The things that you now want to run away from, to separate from. They are to sad to think about. You see the roots of sadness and misery. But thats not why you are seeing this now. Its not to hurt, its to heal. To understand so that this will never happen again. To close those chapters that were always open and hurt. It is sad though, seeing all of that. And its ok to be sad. Anger and saddness are a part of healing. And what happens when you resolve those parts of you? Finally close the chapter. You feel so much better! You feel alive again. Like you used to. So much clearer. Just to know and understand exactly what happened and let Her in to fill up what was not there. But at the same time, its a terrible saddness. Seeing your whole life wasted, re-living the things that hurt. Seeing so clearly that things could have been easily so beatiful. So easy. And always on what could have been. Should have been. What you wanted. What you needed. What was taken. I know you look back every day and see what you've lost. But that just puts you back in the trap. Past becomes present if you stay there. The present is looking better and better every day. Take a look. You feel it more every day. I know that you are sad when you think about becomming what you are now. How can you become and adult when you never had anything before this but nothing and sorrow? Who can you learn from to understand these things? Who are you anyways? What is growing up? These things take time to grow into. And She is there isn't She? Teaching, showing, guiding, every day you grow. Every day you learn more about life. Give yourself a break, you've only been growing up since a few days ago. And before that? You had no soul for 10 years to grow at all. I'd say your making excelent progress for someone in your situation. You broke from the past and felt yourself step out into the present. It will get easier when your personality comes back now. Things will flow again freely without wondering about what people think about you. And your understanding of things now will keep you from any harm in the future. Nobody will hurt you like that ever again. Remember to take time with your feelings, understand them fully. Never push them under the rug, never ignore them. They are the most powerful thing on the planet. I know its a lot of work right now, working everything out. Feeling sad and happy and sad again. But look at what you gain? Freedom. Be sad, what a horrable time you had. Dont go back there, stay here in the present, you lost your life, let it go. Then when your ready, turn to the present. Its a time for a beginning. Finally. What you've alwasy wanted. What you have been searching for. You have it. Yes, you have it. Even though it hurts to get it so late, and sometimes you think that its to late for you and don't beleive in yourself. Its not. You know what you can do. You've already begun to see it again. Get happy when that happens. Thats you!

So don't freak out. Stay frosty. Remember what She said before, "No matter what happens, no matter what you see, no matter what you feel. You are always loved. Remember this." What you saw was probably the most shocking thing you might see from now on. Its there to be let go, not freak out about. To understand things, not to hurt you. This is a new time. This is a new age. This is your time. If you get confused about things like religions and gods and rules, blame it all on Her and check in to see how She will work on it. She will work it out for you, so you dont have to. Just like all the other times. Yea, you did it, see how that works? Just take a step away ever once in a while and take a reality check. And remember, nobody is blaming you for what happened. Or how you act, or how you are. Even though sometimes you might think they are. There is no blame. Don't freak if you don't understand it either. Eventually everything will come to an understanding. Just hang out, keep doing what your doing, your doing great! Be sure to try to stay happy and fill up with things you like in between lessons, and soon you will run out of sad things to deal with and get right to the fun stuff.

So, dont separate yourself. Thats all you. Don't run from what you did, what was done to you. You need you. Get them all back. You need a strong foundation. This is where it starts. And when you get confused about whats what, who is where, when was who, throw them all away and see who comes back. You dont need all of that now. Its all really simple. If it looks complicated. Toss it. The more you get back, the less time you have to spend on the past, more time you can put into you. Get all of em back..

That kid that was hated and put down because he was happy and showed it. I need to know what he knew about being happy and flowing. Come back. Its safe now.

The kid who always got along great with girls. That I tried to repress. Return, we have a lot of time to make up for. I can use your skills now. You have free reign now. Go, flow. You know what to do.

The kid who played his guitar without thought, without knowing what he was playing, but such incredible music. And was hated for it. Return. Nobody will try to take that away your music again. Take away you again. Take away Goddess.

That little boy that knew everything about trusting in Godess. Come back, I can use your knowledge and trust now.

That boy that wanted to be holy, come back, I know where to put that now, and you dont have to hurt about it. Its not that. And you can be whatever you want about it too. Return. I can use your faith in a new and free area that you will like.

That boy that put his trust in those who were untrustworthy. Return, I have the truth inside.

That boy that felt betrayed at Goddess.... Return, you were mislead, feel the truth within me now. Nobody will ever take that away from you ever again. Nobody will ever make you doubt what you already know. Nobody can ever mislead you again. The wolf is there now isn't he? Let them try now. You are safe within me.

Lets start that fire up again. This time we have the knowledge, the answers. This time nobody will stop us. There is no limit to what we can become. All of my past, return to me now. I need to heal you all and make new what was broken. Re-forge. Re-join. From what is new, we can make what we always wanted to be. We have everything we need now. All I need is you. Return. You are not hated, you are not abandoned. You are not lost. I turned you off, now I turn you all back on, and I break the switch. Return fully charged. Never again will I back down to anyone. Give my power to those who never cared for me. Give my all to those who would kill me. I promise to look inside first. Then trust others later.

All return, and tell me what I need to know to heal. Leave your misguidence and ask only one voice for answers and re-education. You know which one. Re-learn about life new. Leave everything else behind. This is me. This is the truth.

Sean

[Sean]

Hello,

First off thanks to Percyval and monque for taking the time to write. And Mystress for always reading and taking the time to respond to all my posts.

I've learned a lot just now. I understand a lot more about myself and why I do things. Mystress I have to tell you that whenever you say, or anyone on the K-list used to say things like, just grow up, stop complaining, etc.. It made me so furious, and I didnt know why. Now I know.

First off, I'm not complaining. I never complain. No matter how bad things get. I never complain. I look for the best in any situation. When things get bad, I try to ignore them, make them go away, not deal with them. Focus on the good things. I push it away. What I didn't realise is that I am pushing it all inside. By not complaining, I never released this, by not saying I'm hurt, I never got help. I felt that good things inside and ignored the hurt. This is a big reason why I am so hurt now. I ignored how I felt. My emotions are too powerful to ever, ever, ever, do that. I cannot ignore them again. So while it might seem like I am whining, or saying how bad my life is, complaining, what I'm actually doing is expressing how I feel for once. I am hurt. I'm looking for help. I'm trying to take care of myself for the first time in my life. I'm saying,
"Help! I know you can help me somehow. I recognise it. Here is my life, its a tangled mess of strings, I dont know how to get rid of these knots. I think you do. Will you help me untangle it?"

And I show you where the knots are. This works great most of the time, thank you for pulling out and showing me how to untangle myself! But then when I see a reply that has, grow up, stop complaining, etc.. What that says to me is, "Hide your feelings again, keep it all inside, ignore how you feel and just be happy." This is a killer for me. This is exactly what I tried to do before. Ignore all the horrible things and focus on how good I felt. Big mistake. Dealing with all of this is very important to me. Its my core, my foundation. I must understand things so I dont fall into the same traps again. ... So thats why I do this.

Also, I dont want someone to say, "Poor Sean, look at how bad things are, we are sorry for you.." etc..  I don't want that at all. It seems like that because it seems like I am whining. What I really am wanting is someone to say,
"What the hell? You were screwed over, you were shot man, you were done in, those punks! But thats ok, we understand you, your here and we can show you how to fix your life again with your own mojo. We are all doing this too, welcome to the group. You are one of us now." Thats it. That is surrender to me, that is acceptance. This is letting it all go. I told that to myself and felt a lot better about everything. Really, thats what I wanted. But I dont think this is what everyone saw. I see it now though in myself.

So what is happening is I don't get to let this all go. It actually goes deeper. I feel outcast again. Like by not doing what you want, I'm not fitting in. But doing what you want will hurt me, so I can't. Round and round it goes...

And I want to be loved. By everyone. I have such a huge black hole in me that I'm trying to fill up. I wanted someone to be there for me and give me what I never had. Someone to be there and care when I was lost and alone all the time. Just that last post there, I felt the same way I did before, alone, by myself in a foriegn country living with strangers. No care, nothing. I wanted it so much for someone to just be there and hold my hand, tell me it's all ok. To love me for once. But now I realise that this can never happen here. I am trying to get out of you what you can't really give. I mean you can post all day about how much you care for me. Some have done this, and I thank you But I need the real thing. I need to actually have somone here with me to care about me. And not look for it here. I'm getting info every day now on how to make this work. I know you all do care, but the care I need is way beyond what anyone can do on a message board. Still though, I always feel so cared for when I pop up fireserpent.com. That has helped me out so much. Hehe, sometimes I just open it up and just hang out.

Sometimes I think that my sad and angry posts hurt you. I know if someone posted all sad things on my board all the time I wouldn't be too happy about it, and I would want them to stop doing it right away. My intention is to get help, show you the tangle, not bother or hurt anyone. When I start getting happy again, I will post rediculous fantasies and exotic tales that hopefuly will show you how I really am under all of these things that have been going on with me. I'm more than I seem.

Just wanted to explain why I do things. I just found out about this myself. And I couldn't have done this without your help. Thank you.

Sean

[Percyval]

hiya Sean,

if you have alot of time on your hands, you might find it feeling real good to volunteer to spend time with needy people a few hours a week...troubled or abandoned kids, ababndoned old folks in homes, retaraded or autistic folks, etc...

you might be surprised that there are people who would give you more love than you can hold just for giving them a little of your attention...

hey, if the idea doesn't feel right to you, by all means, ignore it.. but it's just what came into my awareness as i read your post... you needs and their needs being mutually fulfilled...

of course, ultimately, it must come from within... but this might be a way to break out of the vicious circle you often feel stuck in...

warmly,

percyval

[Mystress]

: Hello,

:
:  First off thanks to Percyval and monquie for taking the time to write. And Mystress for always reading and taking the time to respond to all my posts.

You are welcome. Percyval gave you some really good advice. Spending time helping people who are worse off than yourself is a great way to learn to appreciate how blessed you really are. Gratitude s a more effective way to surrender, than venting and complaining. Count your blessings.

There is an old saying, "I complained because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet." Remember that.

:  I've learned a lot just now. I understand a lot more about myself and why I do things. Mystress I have to tell you that whenever you say, or anyone on the K-list used to say things like, just grow up, stop complaining, etc.. It made me so furious, and I didnt know why. Now I know.

Sean, that is exactly why I chose to poke that particular button of yours, twice!! So you can grow past it. I know that Goddess will not allow you to reject me, as you have rejected so many others who told you truth that your ego did not want to hear.

 Up till now I have spared you from the Zen master's cane, because I do not whack children. However, in the chat session we both felt the difference in your energy when you integrated your soul back. You stopped feeling like an adolescent child and had the mature strong vibration of a man! About time, eh?

You felt the shift towards maturity, in yourself. So, if I tell you to grow up, you know what I mean. GROW UP!

:  First off, I'm not complaining. I never complain. No matter how bad things get. I never complain. I look for the best in any situation.

If only that were true, you would be self realized already.

:When things get bad, I try to ignore them, make them go away, not deal with them. Focus on the good things. I push it away.

I hear what you are trying to say, that you are venting, which is healthy rather than complaining... however, you have spent plenty of time complaining, too!

I can feel the difference between posts where you vent, release and feel better, and posts where you give so much power away to your complaints of victimhood wallowing in your self created misery that you end up in a deeper hole than when you started expressing yourself. The post I was responding to, telling you to grow up, was the latter.  I waited a few days before responding, because I know how transient your emotions are and I prefer not to kick someone when they are down.

I would not bother to kick you, if you were not my student. Tough love takes effort. By long experience, I have found that the best way to get someone out of self pity, is to piss them off. Then tell them "Your own success, is the best revenge."  

This post is a mixture of venting and complaining. You come around to a place of gratitude and appreciation at the end, so I know there is venting. However, you are also making a lot of attachments to your complaints that you do not seem to be surrendering. Lots of negative projections too.

 I have never told you to ignore your emotions. I have said many times, that the emotions come up to be surrendered, not spun into long dramatic  tragedies that are expanding the attachment and wallowing in it rather than releasing it.

 Emotions come and go, but YOU remain. There fore, you are not your emotions. Long after the stars have burned down to dust, YOU will remain. Your ego and your emotions will not. They are transient.  

:What I didn't realise is that I am pushing it all inside. By not complaining, I never released this, by not saying I'm hurt, I never got help. I felt that good things inside and ignored the hurt. This is a big reason why I am so hurt now. I ignored how I felt.

That is not true either Sean. You were so invested in feeling hurt, so attached to the idea of your hurt that you gave your soul away. Nobody told you to do that. You did it to yourself.

This is really silly. I told you to own and integrate your shadow, and here you go polishing the brass buttons on your ego and denying the Shadow. The shadow is what you think you are not: therefore, you are what you are denying. Own it.

 Do I really have to list your complaints and rub your nose in it like a bad puppy? LOL!! How about all those negative thought projections about how people suck?

 Victimhod is a good excuse to be abusive, eh? You only spew negative projections at people when you decide you have been hurt and want to wallow in self pity.

: My emotions are too powerful to ever, ever, ever, do that. I cannot ignore them again. So while it might seem like I am whining, or saying how bad my life is, complaining, what I'm actually doing is expressing how I feel for once. I am hurt. I'm looking for help. I'm trying to take care of myself for the first time in my life. I'm saying,
:  "Help! I know you can help me somehow. I recognise it. Here is my life, its a tangled mess of strings, I dont know how to get rid of these knots. I think you do. Will you help me untangle it?"

Yes, and I have been. Sometimes it works, as you say... at other times you are so resistant that it makes no difference what anyone says or does. Remember in chat, how you avoided looking at how your illness might be self created till I nailed you to the wall? Do you think that is the only time that has happened, between us? It is not. You do it all the time. You are doing it now. You do know how to get rid of the knots, but you really do not want to get rid of them.

 Instead you want people to validate what you know is not true. I uncategorically refuse to do that. That is not my job.

:  And I show you where the knots are. This works great most of the time, thank you for pulling out and showing me how to untangle myself! But then when I see a reply that has, grow up, stop complaining, etc.. What that says to me is, "Hide your feelings again, keep it all inside, ignore how you feel and just be happy."

Your interpretation. I have never told you to ignore your emotions. Why would you interpret my words like that? Putting words in my mouth? Is that respectful? Would you want other people to do that to you?  

: This is a killer for me. This is exactly what I tried to do before. Ignore all the horrible things and focus on how good I felt. Big mistake. Dealing with all of this is very important to me. Its my core, my foundation. I must understand things so I dont fall into the same traps again. ... So thats why I do this.

Why ask why? Ego makes reasons, excuses... justifications for behavior that it knows is wrong. You have never ignored the horrible things... you focused on them so much you gave your soul away and made yourself sick. Now you make more reasons for focusing on the horrible things, so you can keep doing it. What you focus on, will grow.

You are being shown this stuff to surrender it, not to rationalize it and persuade yourself that it is effective.

:
:  Also, I dont want someone to say, "Poor Sean, look at how bad things are, we are sorry for you.." etc..  I don't want that at all. It seems like that because it seems like I am whining. What I really am wanting is someone to say,
: "What the hell? You were screwed over, you were shot man, you were done in, those punks!

I see no difference between those two statements. For me to speak to you as you ask, I would have to betray everything I know as an enlightened being, everything I believe in and buy into your illusions of victimhood. I cannot believe you would ask me to do that.

  Your victimhood is illusion, and no way will I lie to you and tell you it is real, in order to coddle an ego that you supposedly are wanting to surrender. You do want to surrender it, don't you? Is that not why you enrolled?

 Thou art God. That is what is truth. All this stuff is ego noises that are to be surrendered, not validated.

 Take a look for just a moment at what you are asking. How do you feel when other people insist you believe and say things that you know are not true? You think it is the most reprehensible thing a person can do to another... yet, here you are wanting to do the same to me, someone whom you claim to love and respect... just so you can coddle your ego.

 Get this through your head, Sean. Victimhood is abusive!! Whenever you choose the victim role you are being abusive to yourself and others. No more excuses for it.

:But thats ok, we understand you, your here and we can show you how to fix your life again with your own mojo.

You can, if you choose to. Thou art God.

: We are all doing this too, welcome to the group. You are one of us now."

One of us? Where did all this stuff come from? This "us and them" separation stuff? Yoikes. Icky.

:Thats it. That is surrender to me, that is acceptance. This is letting it all go. I told that to myself and felt a lot better about everything. Really, thats what I wanted. But I dont think this is what everyone saw. I see it now though in myself.

:  So what is happening is I don't get to let this all go.

You can have Goddess or your reasons why not. You like your reasons better, apparently. They are the Goddess you serve?

Nobody stops you from surrendering. You just make all these excuses not to. Why do you do that? As you wrote to yourself the other day, that is the way to stay stuck, not the way to get clear.  

: It actually goes deeper. I feel outcast again. Like by not doing what you want, I'm not fitting in. But doing what you want will hurt me, so I can't. Round and round it goes...

This is not complaining? OK.

I felt like an outcast most of my life. I did everything to try to fit in, be "normal."  Try to be what other people wanted so I could get love from outside myself. What a dumb idea that was! Rejecting myself and then wondering why I did not feel loved!

  It was only when I gave up on fitting in, when I went into what I feared and exaggerated "not fitting in" to the extremes of being a BDSM activist, and followed my own bliss and inclinations regardless of what other people think of it,  that I have come to fit in anywhere. I fit with myself, comfortable in my own skin. So long as I was rejecting myself, other people rejected me too... that is the mirror.

:  And I want to be loved. By everyone.

On a higher level, love is all that is, so anyplace where you think love is not, is your own illusion.

 On the level you are talking about, though... you are making a path of misery.

Give up. You cannot please all the people all the time, and you will go crazy giving yourself away, if you try. Looking for love outside of yourself, again? You do not love the Sean who complains, you reject and deny him. Yet, you expect others to love him. That is a no-winner. The mirror does not work like that.

:I have such a huge black hole in me that I'm trying to fill up. I wanted someone to be there for me and give me what I never had. Someone to be there and care when I was lost and alone all the time. Just that last post there, I felt the same way I did before, alone, by myself in a foriegn country living with strangers.

That is excellent! Get in touch with that feeling within yourself, and look at how your own choices shape it, instead of complaining about what other people do.

:No care, nothing. I wanted it so much for someone to just be there and hold my hand, tell me it's all ok. To love me for once. But now I realise that this can never happen here. I am trying to get out of you what you can't really give. I mean you can post all day about how much you care for me. Some have done this, and I thank you But I need the real thing. I need to actually have somone here with me to care about me.

So what you are saying, is that the love from your Divine beloved is worthless, not good enough for you? She is always there holding your hand, loving you, telling you it is all OK. Not good enough, eh? Pfffft! There is just no pleasing some people.  

:And not look for it here. I'm getting info every day now on how to make this work. I know you all do care, but the care I need is way beyond what anyone can do on a message board.

You are right. What you need, only your DB can give you. Expecting to get it someplace else, anywhere outside of yourself is setting yourself up for disappointment. Then, your disappointment turns to victimhood and you complain about what other people do or do not do, and spew negative projections at them instead of looking to see how your own behavior creates your reality.

 Victimhood=abuser. Two sides of the same coin, shadow and ego.  

:Still though, I always feel so cared for when I pop up fireserpent.com. That has helped me out so much. Hehe, sometimes I just open it up and just hang out.

You are always welcome to do that. If you do not want people to respond and tell you what they think of it, then say so.

:  Sometimes I think that my sad and angry posts hurt you. I know if someone posted all sad things on my board all the time I wouldn't be too happy about it, and I would want them to stop doing it right away.

Here is a piece of news for you: you cannot hurt me. Nobody can hurt anybody, we do that to ourselves. Now you are projecting victim onto me??? Ack! No thanks!! You do not hurt me, Sean. You sure hurt yourself a lot, though.

The really ironic thing, is how hurt you feel when other people vent at you! All those complaints about how it seems everyone wants to tell you their problems... you felt hurt by that, so you think other people will be hurt if you do it.
  Well, what if they are? Then you are being the people you complained about. Shadow rules you.  

:My intention is to get help, show you the tangle, not bother or hurt anyone. When I start getting happy again, I will post rediculous fantasies and exotic tales that hopefuly will show you how I really am under all of these things that have been going on with me. I'm more than I seem.

I already know who you really are Sean. Thou art God. You are not convinced of this, yourself yet... but you are right that you are more than you see in yourself.

:  Just wanted to explain why I do things. I just found out about this myself. And I couldn't have done this without your help. Thank you.

Sure. Yer welcome. Are you thanking me for the poking of telling you to grow up that helped you to recognise your stuff? Heh...  Apply gratitude to this post too. See what happens. See if you can find the love in it. It is there...

  Blessings!  
:
:  Sean

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

I thought thats what was going on. Goddess sometimes get me really mad about something to bring up something else to let go. I do look deeper now and see what the real deal is.. Or at least try to. I was smiling all throughout your post. I can't beleive I do these things. Its just I have never had this kind of understanding. I'm getting it though, takes some time, but I'm working on it. I feel like I am getting closer to myself, where I can tell you exactly how I feel about something, and then you can tell me exactly where I can think differently about it. Like about the ego button polishing, and I think there is a lesson in the things I see. And about my emotions. I'm not sure how my emotions work into me really. Talk about this in a bit. Still working on them myself. Just feeling them again.

I am getting closer to the victimhood too. I see it a lot better, where before I didn't know it was there. Also, sometimes I do just want to vent, many times I can figure out what is going on just by getting it out someplace, and then taking another look at it. I'll mark em now.

I'm going to look into my shadow now. Or ask Goddes to help out with it. Just typeing this fills me with terror. Not sure why.. hmmm...

Oh, I didnt want to put words in your mouth, should have said, this is how it made me feel.

Ahah! I see what you said about not fitting in now! I've just had a smaller experience myself. Thanks for showing me what to surrender! I know what to do.

Crap, all that other stuff makes sense now. About wanting everyone to fill me up when I complain. I should fill that up with Goddess, or me. Nobody will ever fill that up. Damnit, I see it now. You know having a soul is pretty important to learning this stuff It should be a requirement. And you know I though that was pretty silly looking for outside love when I know where it really is, I'm in a time of change, I see so many wants now. But I see that if I want from outside, just create more problems. But I want it just the same. You know when I wrote that, I felt all these tendrils pull out of here, tendrills that were looking for things I could not get. I felt an emptyness when I get em all in, I got sad and asked for this black empty spot to be filled up with Goddess and Her love and Her everything. I've been doing that a lot with everything. Reconnecting all of those things to Her. So I dont have a need to look outside. But I am going to get a nice girlfriend ASAP too

Ok, I'm going to think on this, lots to think on. And I am always thankful that you are so patient with me, and take the time to explain, and just be there. You know what I liked, is when you gave me a meditation to do. That helped me to understand things pretty good, even though I thought it was totaly wrong at the time, or just was confused at what you say. And I always think its cool to have someone who knows more about you than you do, so they can tell you what you already know, to be more of you.

Oh, and I'll look into helping people too, right now I'm the one that needs help still.. Thanks Percy.

Thank you.

Sean

[Percyval]

:  Oh, and I'll look into helping people too, right now I'm the one that needs help still.. Thanks Percy.

you're welcome,Sean...

and not to push the idea further... but i was thinking those people could help you, more than it being about you helping them...

anyway, just a thought to tuck away, in case it is ever useful...

lovingly,

percyval

[Mystress]

:
: :  Oh, and I'll look into helping people too, right now I'm the one that needs help still.. Thanks Percy.

: you're welcome,Sean...

: and not to push the idea further...

I will push it further... Sean, still complaining about your lack of shoes? Grow up!

Quit investing energy of belief in your own neediness. Are you worse off than a sick child in hospital or a homeless person? No! By comparison you are abundant and have much to give. So, give! Quit wallowing.

  Blessings...  

:but i was thinking those people could help you, more than it being about you helping them...

: anyway, just a thought to tuck away, in case it is ever useful...

: lovingly,

: percyval