unresolved... pt2 what I wanted to say.....

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

I forgot the whole point. The whole point of posting all of that stuff was to say.. This is a big hangup for me. This is what I am holding onto. I cannot let this go. What can I do?

I know whats in me is good. Is me. But at the same time I dont want it anymore. I realised this a while ago. I could not figure out why I was constantly closing my 7th chakra. I thought about it.. And this is why.. I dont want any more god's. I've been hurt enough by them and there religions. And I have my reminders in place.

But I want this. I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want Goddess. I want to pull this black dagger out of my heart. I mean I've seen and done some stunning things already. But still... I hold back. I dont accept. I want to be left alone.

Ever since I started on this... I've been moving towards my past. Fixing things there. Feeling better, seeing better, fixing more. Feeling better...etc.. I was so blind before with anger and pain. Now I see so much clearer. This is what I was moving towards. I feel that this is what I need to resolve for me to move ahead again. To accept this all again fully.

But I dont know how to. And I just can't stop what I have. I need it, I am it. I just want to open myself up like I was before and let it all flow through me without any thought about it. I keep holding back though.

I really like to say Goddess. She's in me. She says nice things to me. Works for me. Not some far away old god that hates. And it freaks christian people out too hehe. I love it. I totaly embrace this. I want more of this, just going to let go of all the old ways. I want the new. No more old idea's. I am my own religion.

Its really silly. I do all this work just to come to the conclusion that I am through with any gods. I am open to everything, yet hate all of it still. I dont want to..

So how can I let Her in without shutting Her out by reflex? Or, how do I let go of all of this? I want the new...

Thank you.

Sean

[Mystress]

:  Hello Mystress,

:
:  I forgot the whole point. The whole point of posting all of that stuff was to say.. This is a big hangup for me. This is what I am holding onto. I cannot let this go. What can I do?

:  I know whats in me is good. Is me. But at the same time I dont want it anymore. I realised this a while ago. I could not figure out why I was constantly closing my 7th chakra. I thought about it.. And this is why.. I dont want any more god's. I've been hurt enough by them and there religions. And I have my reminders in place.

thou art God.

:  But I want this. I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want Goddess. I want to pull this black dagger out of my heart. I mean I've seen and done some stunning things already. But still... I hold back. I dont accept. I want to be left alone.

:
:  Ever since I started on this... I've been moving towards my past. Fixing things there. Feeling better, seeing better, fixing more. Feeling better...etc.. I was so blind before with anger and pain. Now I see so much clearer. This is what I was moving towards. I feel that this is what I need to resolve for me to move ahead again. To accept this all again fully.

:  But I dont know how to. And I just can't stop what I have. I need it, I am it. I just want to open myself up like I was before and let it all flow through me without any thought about it. I keep holding back though.

:  I really like to say Goddess. She's in me. She says nice things to me. Works for me. Not some far away old god that hates. And it freaks christian people out too hehe. I love it. I totaly embrace this. I want more of this, just going to let go of all the old ways. I want the new. No more old idea's. I am my own religion.

Kewl. So, you are your own religion. Everybody is. Even among Christians, no two interpret the Bible the same way.

:
:  Its really silly. I do all this work just to come to the conclusion that I am through with any gods. I am open to everything, yet hate all of it still. I dont want to..

:
:  So how can I let Her in without shutting Her out by reflex? Or, how do I let go of all of this? I want the new...

Sean, you do it the same as you did with everything else. Surrender, be open to possibilities and miracles, and let Goddess carry you to a new place.
  You know, the old Sean will die, before this process is over, and a new one will be born. Your crown closing, is fear of death. Ego death. Kali eats your guts and then the rest of you... and it may be painful sometimes, but birth always is.

 It is just the process. The process is the process and you just keep surrendering, persistently and Goddess does the rest. This is no different. As you do it, it gets easier and so as the process goes along you get faced with harder and harder stuff... but not more than you can handle. Trust in that.

 At where you are at, you have a simple choice: what is more important, this old fear coming up, or feeling the Goddess within yourself? Serve Her, and have none before Her. Stay grounded. Have some fun!
  Blessings!

:  Thank you.

:
:  Sean

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[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

Wow. This really changed me. Both of your last posts made everything all come together. I understand it now, or at least I am starting to. I dont have to worry about this stuff. I just send it all on She deals with it. This is sooo cool! I was really worried about all of those old thoughts and how I was ever going to get rid of them. But I see now. Its all ok now, about everything...  Just understanding this made me feel soo much better.  And you said such nice things about me The German story helped things too.. I just see things better now.

And I finally got Jonathan Livingston Seagull! Best book ever. I kept getting chills and energy rushes, and laughing when I read it. I tell you that when I closed the back cover of that book. I was not the same as when I had opened it. It made everything so...new. Openings. Understandings. Perspectives. Cool!!!

And about the other things in an earlier post. I am getting the hang of what you are saying about what to be. How to explain myself. That was a wonderful way to explain about how people at the other end of the spectrum. Is thats what it is really? A spectrum, and I'm over at one end? So I can do these things, but still be a person on the planet and get along with people. I explained part of myself to my regular councilor here, used your examples. And she understood me! I was so happy. Then she went on and did some roleplaying with me to help me deal with the people that always tell me there problems, I never know what to do... now I am learning how to deal with a few situations. And I feel sooo much better. Less afraid of going out and being around everyone. This opened me up a lot! I will work on all of this and get better at it.

And when you said to blame Goddess for it all. I started out with a small thing... Then checked in hehe, just to be sure that it was ok, yup still good. A bigger thing. She doesnt judge.. "Goddess your to blame for this that happened..." Yelling and all of that. Then... What was that? Something just let go in me, relaxed. Huh? .... I blamed Her for something specific... And that part let go to!!! Oh? So I started going to every little thing that happened and placed the blame all on Her. I started to feel so much better, all of these things inside were letting go. Hurting less, a few just being taken away all together. I was laughing. It felt soo good to find a release for everything that happened to me. To let it all go. To feel so many things just up and leave just like that. And you know what. I always felt like whenever I blamed Her it was, yes. It was Her fault. And now I am here, doing this. Not anyone elses. I did this until I figured I had to stop. I was at my limit of sending things away. Right at the limit. No more for a few days.. Cant wait to blame Her for everything else!  I'll post how I got here and you can see how this all worked in a few days. Its a pretty strange deal. Also ties in with the lesson I'm on now.

So all of this happened in one day. And its like BOOM! I feel so much better about things. I am changed. I have a bunch of new feelings come back, new visions of things, new music. I'm very happy about all this. But I'm also very tired heh, sleeping a lot. I just never thought I would ever feel this way again. I'm so happy about all of this. it seems that the more I work on the spiritual things, the more I become a person again.

And I dont know what I want to be. I think I'm going to wait till I am very much at peace and comfortable with myself and get to know who I realy am before doing anything. I always say music. I feel everything. I'm very good at feeling things. Music and art are the same things for me, or they can be. I dunno, I'm still just going to work on myself and feel good. And of course I'm going to finish the FST! Actually I dont think I should make a move until I know everything I need to know that I should know about me. I dont know what that is. But when I step out again. I want to have the knowledge ready so I never fall back into this state ever again. So I will learn things.

And no, I dont want to explode you Your not new age. You talk about sex and shower tantra's and your german santa party with your slaves. I love it when you talk about these things, its all good. Whenever I see you write about these things I'm always saying, "Yea! Thats *my* spiritual teacher! Woohoo!"  Everyone else hides away from all of this and doesnt realise that its all Goddess too.  Thats why I dont like them. I like learning this stuff here. And I dont have any other mystress's in my life at the moment hehe. But If I did, I doubt they would know anything about this stuff that I need to know. Oh! And you are getting your book going? Great! I want one! I want one! I will read it! Woo!

Ok, I'm going to see if I can move the spritual handle more torwards turtle now. You know how lawnmowers and things have the rabbit and the turtle? Well I feel that I've been in rabbit for a while. And it got me here, and I feel so much better, I really needed to feel this way, to understand. But now I have. I want to incorporate this.

Now..
Rabbit |----- Turtle

New plan..
Rabbit --|--- Turtle

Ok later,

Sean