Diario de Begeegs

[begeegs]

Also - I found the Bark Like a Dog link (thanks Leos!)

[begeegs]

I have been performing meditations on heart and throat chakra for the past week. I will give it another week. Occassionally, I will go ahead and try the heart voice questions, but to no avail yet. I will give it more effort next week after another week of heart/throat chakras.

I am finding the if I leave it too late for an evening meditation, which I do normally, I will get a lot of different voices which usually comment on things which were in my mind during the day and not relaed to the question. During the day, I don't get anything usually - either from words in my head nor sensations from the heart voice. That being said, I do know when I am grounded during a grounding and it usually is far before my visualization actually gets to the fiery crystal. I get a sensation in the heart which tells me so. In that context, it is fine.

I will carry on. I wonder if I am making this more difficult than it is.

[Mystress]

I will carry on. I wonder if I am making this more difficult than it is.

  It is always our own doing, Goddess does not place obstacles.

  All the voices and noise and stuff that comes up, is the karma that is blocking you, rising to be cleared.  Goddess gets it right, showing you what needs to be released... stubborn you, didn't listen.

  Being the doer, so goal oriented, trying to force your way... instead of flowing with what comes. Setting a time limit, even! That is all ego control games, not surrender.

  Ego, has an investment in measuring progress, goal oriented. Spirit knows that growing never ends, even after the mind that wants to measure it, is set aside. That there is only here, and now, and attempts to measure progress take you out of the moment.

  You do not connect to Goddess with your mind, but through the body and its language of feelings and memories. Focus on the body sensations of discernment, and on surrendering what comes. Words, after all, can be a very limited form of communication... a picture is worth a thousand.

  Communication is happening, just not in the form you want yet. The language of the body, is emotions, sensations, impressions and memories. Body-first path. The body is speaking, learn its language.

 

[begeegs]

Thanks for your very insightful response, Mystress.

I had a dream last night which puzzled me until now. I was in a room and was trying to listen to my heart voice through a window. The voice came through and was telling me something which made sense, but I couldn't remember when I woke up.

I had read your reply earlier and I sat down the meditate about the meaning of the dream when your phrase about a picture being worth a thousand words popped in my mind. It made a lot of sense. I have been listening out of a window when I should have been looking for pictures. I forgot rule number 1 of dream interpretation: Generally, they should be taken as criticism and not validation of something.

Hopefully, I can build on this now. :-)

[begeegs]

The past couple of week have been stressful because of work. I have actually felt bi-polar during it as I went from fear/anxiety thoughts to just being and not being bothered. My wife remarked on it as usually, I am relatively steady. She has been such a God-send with patience when seeing my private melt-downs which I think are control related. There is uncertainty on the job front as our company was bought out, but I can only do my best and hope. However, there is a silver lining to this uncertainty and that is the potential to move cities to something more cosmopolitan (Edinburgh) which is more agreeable to me and probably the family as a whole. In Edinburgh, there is nature close by, but also the aspects of different cultures on your doorstep so there is that option of improving all aspects of our life.

I feel like the heart is opening slowly. I haven't been doing heart concentrations this week, but the sensations remained. I have altered my meditations slightly over the past few weeks though. I do kegels before I meditate and then just do a noticing/surrendering meditation afterwards. This feels like it is the correct approach (my heart feels warm with me typing this). The kegels feel like they burn things off in the body. For example, yesterday when doing them, it felt like a pop in the heart. Other times, it has been other areas, but it feels like I am heading in the right direction when I go with the flow and not think too much.

On a funny note, I have been watching documentaries about cults recently and saw a couple, 'Holy Hell' and 'The Source Family' which I wondered if they were examples of Kundalini psychosis as they seemed to be. The cults started with altruism and ended with human flaws and likely a fall from grace on both accounts. They were both a very good watch though.

[begeegs]

I have been continuing the kegels before grounding (and just afterwards). This seems to bring about different sensations. I do get a little cough from the heart and last night (it always passes), I had what seemed to be a sort of swelling feeling in the heart and throat. I have had instances in the past where this swelling seemed to 'pop' which was interesting sensations. It feels like there is an expansion of lighter sensations than before which has actually spread out to my arms as well. Quite interesting things from a sensation perspective happens in nearly every meditation either from a audible perspective or a sensation perspective, so from that, I am grateful.

Having said that, the heart voice is still very inconsistent. I find that I have better odds on hearing it if I focus on my aura. This seems to help. I was told last night to continue counting to 10 indefinitely or so I thought which seems to improve concentration.

I also find that in dreams that if the message isn't picked up, you get the same message, but in a different format. I dreamed that I was in a class where I was far ahead in the book that we were studying. The rest of the class was much further behind. This was followed by a dream where I was in some lecture about magic with some of my former compatriots. They praised me in the meeting while I didn't want to join the group. I felt that it would be a rehash of what I already went through. I look at both of these as being perhaps feeling that I am further along than I really am. Not that it is an issue,  but I suppose there is always that hope :-) At least I now know - lol.

[begeegs]

I think that my energy levels have kicked up a notch. This seems to be in response to my approach on things. I am finally getting into the groove with the Witness state and gratitude with moments every day. I didn't use to do this as much before. With this approach, it makes the paranoia/anxiety that I had previously subside dramatically. As a result, perhaps I am being rewarded with more energy?

My experience with the heart voice is similar to Leos - I too feel the swelling of the heart when things are true which I didn't really prior. Occasionally, I will get words in my mind, but this is the exception at the moment.

I have also attempted to do more with the Divine beloved, but this one looks to be a bit further out. I can just about manifest imagery in hypnagogia and at chance in dreams, but that is all for now.

With the increase of energy, I have to concentrate on my breath to sleep at night - lol! If I do any scanning of the body or pay attention to any energy fluctuation in the body when trying to sleep, I may as well forget it because it amplifies the sensation which then spreads. If I concentrate on the breath, I do fall asleep. This was something unforseen, but I am getting through it now.

[begeegs]

I have been feeling an increase of more lightness in the body over the past couple of weeks. I noticed this a while back, but I wasn't really sure what that actually meant. This has increased over time to encompass arms as well (not the entire arm, but this has expanded). This also means that this heart feeling has gotten stronger during it. My thoughts is that potentially this could be related to karma in the body being released?

In addition, I have started to approach my meditations a little differently than before. Some of this was because I didn't feel that I was getting relaxed enough sitting down. When I lie down, that is never an issue. With concentration, I will generally get some sort of hypnagogia which is potentially a distraction, but I recognize it now and try to show love/acceptance to the distraction and surrender it. These distractions/hypnagogia were things which may have triggered me in the past or potentially lulled me into a light sleep. This no longer happens, so I feel comfortable meditation on the back. It is probably better for my back anyway as I am sitting at my desk for most of the day.

I also have really tried to recognize during waking times of things which trigger me and surrender (or go into the witness) those when they crop up. I am not always successful, but since the turn of the year, I have improved with this. So all in all, a lot of improvements.

[Mystress]

My thoughts is that potentially this could be related to karma in the body being released?

  Yes. The body-first approach is almost, mechanical eh? Karma is emotional baggage stuff, is blockages in the energy body and as you clear them via surrender your mind becomes clearer, and there is more room for life energy to flow so your vibration rises and you become shinier.

  Keep at it, eventually you run out of karma and attain... but life keeps throwing you more, so the cleansing discipline is life long, maintaining the higher vibrational state where life flows so beautiful.

   The hypnagogic images before sleep are also a form of surrender, release. I call it the slideshow. Just watch them flowing by on their way out, it gives a feeling of great peace. Sitting beside the river watching the stuff float past and away.

   The mystery of the mystery school is not that karma clearing increases your vibration,  that part is almost mechanical. It is in the wonder of how Goddess/ your DB organizes, sorts it and presents it for your free will to choose to release. The beautiful dance.

[begeegs]

Thank you for you response Mystress. I am happy to report that I am making more progress. I do a light kegel and hold it for a portion of the meditation and then relax. I have found this better than doing continuous pulsing and I can also slow the mind down as I do it. I did this last night and felt an wave of what can be decribed as a vibration which was rattling. I am sure that this was more shaki and I understood the metaphor about the snake. Up until now, I hadn't any idea.

I did have some instances of this still voice, but those are still fleeting. I have made marginal improvements in both heart voice and body talk, but still have some way to go. I am finding a gentle approach is working better in all areas.

I have to work on the witness state in more areas than others. I have purposely detached myself from people in my working environment who used to get me with political discourse. I have continually surrendered this and practiced the witness state and this has come down considerably. I just need to apply it in more areas where trigger points are more prevalent.

[begeegs]

Meditations have continued. I know that heart voice/body talk/divine beloved are central to this course, but I can't actually say that I am any closer to seeing results with these although I do note more heat around the heart recently. I can't really note something which I have no control over or any method of understanding, I can only just keep meditating and practicing. Whenever, I think that I am progressing (aka most of my posts here - lol), I look at them now and think that I really have no idea. I will keep on with my practice though :-)

[begeegs]

I had a hilarious dream where my boss was Vladamir Putin and he offered me a job at half my pay which I declined, but was trying to impress him into paying me my worth.

I woke up and scratched my head, but will note that this is likely linked with a character at work who really unsettles me. I know things that he does and has done in the past (gossiping, etc), but I try to follow a high road. I go so annoyed with the guy (offline) that I found it hard to meditate last night. I know that this is a large projection/repression on my own part which is difficult to get rid of. I suppose that it ended up in a dream because of that repression (when I thought that I was surrendering it). I thought that I would note it here as perhaps this could help in the surrendering process.

[begeegs]

It's been a while since I posted on here. Life has been pretty full on over the past couple of weeks. We have bought a new puppy - a border collie, so we are getting used to that. As a result, my meditation schedule has only recently gotten back to normal. It was really a week or so where things were difficult.

What is interesting with having a pet (the first since I was a child) was that it brought up some odd feelings which weren't pleasant and ones which I scarely recall. I have accepted the feelings and surrendered them. I realize that they are a part of me.

Also, the meditations are starting to bring about this feeling (still aways off) which seems orgasmic or the beginning of one. Also, I feel that there is more communication occurring with the unconscious which is coming back either in pictures or words. This isn't consistent, but it seems like the beginning of the communication although what do I know? I go in now with no expectations and try not to judge progress as I really haven't a clue on where I am. I can only note things which haven't really occurred before.

[begeegs]

I feel like there are a lot of positives coming from meditations recently. I want to believe that the Heart Voice/Discernment seem to happen a lot more than I realized. It usually will pop in forms of pictures or almost a stray comment or phrase and is usually the first thing in my mind when a question comes in. Sometimes this will happen when I question as to whether this was the heart voice is when I get the warm feeling the the heart - so a combination of different things. It feels very early days and inconsistent at the moment, but in addition it also seems really natural and probably been there all along, but I was trying too hard when I just needed to relax into it.

[Mystress]

 Border collies are the smartest breed. You have to walk or entertain them about 5 hours a day or they get bored and make up their own fun, like, shredding your couch. On the plus side you can train them to do almost anything, if you are patient. Have you seen the videos of people teaching their dogs to talk via sound buttons? One dog is up to five word sentences and has started making up his own words. "Play poo" means fart. Funny and accurate!

It feels very early days and inconsistent at the moment, but in addition it also seems really natural and probably been there all along, but I was trying too hard when I just needed to relax into it.

  It always was there but crowded out by the noise of ego. Your practice is bearing good fruits.  Glad you are getting into the flow.

[begeegs]

Thanks for the response, Mystress.

Yeah - Benji (dog) is a smart one. He was trained to ring some bells to go outside. I showed him once for about 10 minutes and he never forgot. The funny thing is that with pups, like small children, do not know when to have a nap - lol.

I had another instance of this feeling which happened a couple of months back. It was a sort of spacey/fuzzyness which was familiar and reminded me of dreams when I was very small. It felt very distant as well. It lasted about 10 minutes before dissipating somewhat. I didn't feel like I could 'try' to get this state back and yet almost felt like I could as well which was an odd feeling.

I am trying to stay in the moment more often during the day which I do feel helps a great deal - an almost waking meditation.

[begeegs]

I had a few insights over the past few weeks which seem pertinent. I wonder if things that distract me in thoughts/feelings are always my karma. I am sure that I must have read that here, but I am equally certain that it is very true.

I am finding that I am more apt to shrug my shoulders now with things which used to wind me up which is a positive change. I still have bouts with the usual things anger & impatience primarily, but less so in the political arena and the world state (ie - Covid, Climate Change, etc). I am trying to leave those sort of things up to Goddess and offering my servitude instead of worrying. It is certainly more peaceful, but I certain have a lot more growing to do.

Also, my meditation seem to bring about some hints of deeper vibration that seem to get stronger if I try to pray during a meditation. However, after the prayer, this vibration can expand or hint at expansion. It seems like an evolution. I don't know what triggers it and really, it probably doesn't matter how I got there. I will keep with that approach and hopefully things will progress.

[begeegs]

Wow - has it already been over one month? I have been really bad with writing diary entries both on my personal diary and in this forum. On the whole, quite a lot has happened during this time. Around mid-March, I had an interaction with a work colleague who through our exchange, really got me excited in the world of finance and cryptocurrency. I feel like this is the future of finance and almost in a sense an extension of what Covid did to the workforce - forced them to think in a decentralized manner in how they do things. It seems as though cryptocurrency will likely do that to normal fiat currency due to the decentralization of the utility tokens and currencies although it is still in its infancy. Anyway, I have been quite taken by it and delved into it, but not neglecting my meditations, which have also gotten better.

I have been developing a sort of impression which is the first thing that pops into my head which occurs before any thought. I have been trying to pay attention to this because it has been correct every time. Generally, it comes in a picture format, but sometimes can be a word or a phrase. Once I think about something, it will sometimes happen before logical thought. Just the other day I was reminded of a passage of a dream that I had the night before. I was playing with my puppy, who is now losing his baby teeth, in a tug of war when I was shown a flash of a dream from the night before of the dog losing a tooth. I stopped and remarked this to my wife and then noticed the blood on the toy before finding the tooth. Oddly, the dog wanted to keep playing, so it didn't seem like it was in pain or potentially worse - it didn't care and it wanting to play factored more. This sort of event has been occurring more and more and in addition, the heart swelling has developed more as well when something feels right to do. Which leads me to the cryptocurrency and the world of finance - this feels like the thing that I have been wanting to do for ages: the career path that merges things that I find interesting and seems tailor-made for me.  I haven't had that feeling before with another venture and it was probably because it didn't exist prior or I wasn't ready for it.

Anyway, I will carry on with the practices. I really do need to write in the diary a lot more. :-)

[Mystress]

I have been developing a sort of impression which is the first thing that pops into my head which occurs before any thought. I have been trying to pay attention to this because it has been correct every time.

  Is good, and yes that is how it works when you are getting in tune. Goddess does not need to think, to know and Her responses are immediate, quicker than your thoughts could manage. The more you surrender the more transparent you become, the more detailed the information. Opening up by getting yourself, your ego out of the way.

  Isn't it lovely, to not have to throw the tarot cards or do the chant or trance, light candles for the ritual... but to simply know what you need to know, in the moment that you need to know it, effortlessly? It is like some kind of super power... Speaking to the paths you walked before FST. The difference when you put Goddess first eh?

[begeegs]

Thanks for the response, Mystress.

To be honest, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with Magick and saw results here quickly, so yes to your question :-) I found the practices very mind numbing after a bit. I know that the practices resonate with some of the people who stayed, but it wasn't for me eventually. This course has taught me that I know nothing - lol. I am also learning now not to judge and it is hard, but I am getting better. Knowing that everything that triggers me is something that exists in myself makes it a little easier to keep an open mind when someone is doing that I know exists within myself.

I have also been getting these blasts of sexual energy. They aren't all the time, but this is more frequent than before and seems like progress.

[begeegs]

I still have inconsistent blasts of sexual energy. Naturally, I try to understand it within the context of what I did or didn't do which means that I am still trying to control it even though that I know that I can't - lol. I will say that praying directly to Goddess during a phase of the meditation does seem to have a good effect.

I am starting the course again and really trying to work on my trigger points. I will work my way back to the end. I don't really feel like I am consistent with the heart voice, but there is something which does seem to be there which wasn't prior. It seems like the portion which could be developed from a point of meditation although sometimes this happens outside of it.

I had a dream which was the Anima last night. It was a dream in which we were superheroes and we had to break into a flat at the top to get something (I forget what - we were superhero thieves - lol). I flew up feet first which wasn't a surprise for the anima (who was a girl who I had a crush on years ago). For me, this seemed to be directly related to kundalini, but I am going up backwards? I woke up in love.

Unfortunately, for me this hasn't occurred in the flesh :-( Hopefully at some point in the near future.

[begeegs]

I have been off in Spain to visit the inlaws and came back with a nice cold/flu. Thanks inlaws! ;-)

Being away on holiday, I tried my best for meditation and had a couple of excellent sessions which was new. I have been doing some praying during these sessions and it does seem to work well, so I will continue.

I also am going through the lessons again and going to focus on strengthening my connection to Goddess. I have been getting Heart Voice comments here and there during things more consistently which really doesn't seem to be different from what I used to write here - lol, but it seems that the approach is. I am finding that my concentration needs to be really lax, so that it is more like a slight observation rather than more focussed. This has really changed the quality of the meditations.

On a side note, I finished reading a great book, 'The New Confessions of an Economic Hitman', and it was really odd that during the end, he made this observation - 'Today’s revolution is much bigger than the American Revolution. It is bigger than the agricultural or industrial revolutions. It is nothing less than a consciousness revolution. The change in consciousness includes a transition from masculine, hierarchical mind-sets and actions to ones that are more fluid, egalitarian, and feminine.'

I didn't expect to read this in this sort of book :-)

[begeegs]

I am finding that sitting down even for work seems to have a similar sensation to kegels - even more so. I don't really want to start altering the meditation, but perhaps my body is trying to tell me something? I will have to query this to discern as this is finally getting a bit better.

[begeegs]

I am finding myself getting erections when meditating now. It has happened a couple of times in the recent past, but now it seems to happen more often. I asked for my Divine Beloved to clear out blockages, etc and about this time, I could feel this energy which produced the erection. I was doing not much other than loose concentration and trying to surrender things which may come up. When I noticed the physical sensation, I asked my Divine Beloved to show me that she was there and was hit with a nice sensation which started from the sexual organ and went upwards. It wasn't an orgasm feeling, but very pleasant nonetheless.

Swelling in heart region is much improved for discernment, but not as much from the gut yet. It is still inconsistent - well, actually both are inconsistent, but at least the heart is much more responsive than it used to be.

[begeegs]

I talked before about my body feeling lighter and lighter before, but this has now spread a lot more to a majority of the torso. The best way to describe it is like blood rushing there where it wasn't before. I also have this on the tip of my nose. During meditation, I am feeling more shakti from grounding and it is very pleasant - even more than before. I also feel like this comes as a massive flow of sexual energy, but it doesn't linger and feels like it goes up after a period. All in all - very interesting. :-)