Diario de Begeegs

[begeegs]

Thanks Mystress and Gopi for your words of encouragement. I do feel like I am making progress as my meditations have improved. I will continue in the relaxed vein with some light prayer as it seems to be paying off. I hope that it leads to ascension, but I will keep my head down and continue as before :-)

Gopi - when I had the dream, I can only recall that a blockage was removed. I usually tend to dream in rich symbolism, so this was unusual for me. I don't really remember massive details of it because it was hot that week and I wasn't sleeping great. It isn't really a big deal for me to know the what or hows of the blockage. Like you say, if I am meant to know, I am sure that I will be provided the information.

Again - thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot :-)

[begeegs]

Another dream which I think is pretty relevant to the process.

I was at my Uncles house in Zilwaukee. I saw his car in the driveway with a root from a tree which was eating away the rust on his car by rubbing up against it. It was an old car as well. The branches grew right through the car. I saw a house in the neighbours back yard which was slowly disintegrating in the wind and blowing my way and everywhere. My uncle complained that the neighbours always left trash out in their yard and it has always been this way. I thought that he had sold the house, but he said no â€" it had always been there. He rented it out to some woman or other. The trash from the yard started all heading my way and I had to move to avoid being hit. I noticed a church also in the back yard which had also grown old and decayed.

My interpretation of this was of old structures that have been in place since my childhood are being dismantled and coming up for observation and surrender. The old rusted car for me and comments from the uncle would suggest that parts of my psyche have never left. These belief structures and perhaps religious views that took root here and are still just as relevant now although perhaps my attentions shifted to other things. Another view could be that I am allowing others to dump things on me which stemmed from my youth? This certainly is another possibility. Either way, it looks like something which needs to be examined closer.

[begeegs]

I have had a couple of good weeks. I have continued with the noticing meditations and they have been generally very good. I do have some distractions at first, but they generally clear up which leads to a very relaxed meditation.

I am on the Trap of Righteousness which was very interesting when reflecting on how I was when I started the course to where I am now. Although I didn't really subscribe to wanting to save the world, I did try to help others with things that I may have felt that they lacked. Funny to look back on it now with what I know now. That being said, I am sure that I will probably be saying the same thing about my current state in a few months.

I tried the pearl again today and although I didn't really feel like I had broken it, I am now wondering if I may have as I am pretty flush with energy much more than usual. It is almost like I am being signalled to sit up and meditate. I think that I might :-)

[Gopi]

"I am on the Trap of Righteousness which was very interesting when reflecting on how I was when I started the course to where I am now. Although I didn't really subscribe to wanting to save the world, I did try to help others with things that I may have felt that they lacked. Funny to look back on it now with what I know now. "

When we feel convinced that we are 'better than others' for whatever reason, there is a corresponding ego identity in us that has a need to feel validated as better than others.
And usually, we want to prove something to others about ourselves when we feel threatened or insecure at some level.
So when I say to someone 'I am better than you', what I am really saying is 'I have a need to feel that I am better than you'.
When we are children, we are taught to be competitive with others (in some cultures more than others).
There is value in healthy competition.
But sometimes people never develop a sense of self beyond their competitive self.
This means I don't know who I am if I am not competing against someone.

A lot of 'over achiever perfectionist' kids grow up to be workaholics with unhealthy and obsessive competitive mentalities.
In a lot of countries, this kind of 'win at all costs' sort of mentality is usually praised and promoted as visionary leadership.
There are so many biographies of people with stellar career achievements but disastrous personal life and abusive to their colleagues.
Not judging anyone based on their personal struggles but I do want to point out this.
We all need to learn to build and develop a sense of self that is not tied to our achievements only.
When you are anchored in your own sense of self, other peoples praises and misunderstandings do not disturb you that much.

Next time when you feel you are being self righteous ('I know what is better for others'):
(1) Look at the person who you think needs to be saved by you. Ask yourself 'What do they need from me?' and see what comes up.
(2) Now get grounded. Ask yourself 'What am I feeling threatened about?' and see what comes up.
(3) Now look at the person again. Ask yourself 'What do they need from me?' and see what comes up.

Share your observations if you feel moved to do so.
Namaste!
Gopi

[begeegs]

Thanks for the response Gopi. Yeah - I was definitely one of those very judgemental people. When I was in magic, I started to look at myself more, but until I came here, it really was a slow pace. Since that time, it has really picked up lol.

I had the oddest meditation last night which followed a day in which my family and I were walking around a forest. The forest in question was a site of a UFO sighting which I hadn't any idea about until my wife mentioned it on the way there. It was pretty uneventful (a nice walk though), but in the evening, she selected some weird show where Ozzy Osbourne and his son went camping through New Mexico which culminated in going to Roswell. She didn't know about Roswell, so I tried to find a documentary about it, but ended up with some conspiracy show all about UFOs which was interesting, but some of it was incredibly polarized with their views. When I went to meditate later, this really triggered incredible fear. I didn't think that I had suppressed that fear from when I was little (I was insanely scared of the book Communion) and in addition had night terrors which began when I was 4 and continued for a number of years.  It all came flooding back with this meditation, but in the form of the raw emotion. I also had an instance of a quick high-pitched sound in one ear and then the other. Eventually, the intense fear waned, but it had to be the one of the most highly energized meditations that I had. Probably, I need to explore that further.

[begeegs]

Well, I escaped the UFO rabbit hole. I wasn't really an enthusiast and after a spell of looking, I still am not - lol. I think that the book 'Communion' scared me to death as a teen which played into nightmares that I had growing up and that was it really (in addition to my nightmares that I had when I was very small).

I have had a couple of weeks where it really felt that things in the external world are mere metaphors for the inner self and vis-versa. I know that I probably shouldn't really view the world with such a solipsistic viewpoint, but sometimes it is difficult not to see it that way. Then I start going down the quantum theory of many worlds which seems to lend itself to the solipsistic view as well. I need to surrender them both because neither matter really :-)

I do feel that my spiritual growth has started to move quicker though. I feel like the shakti download for the week doesn't seem to weaken as much as it had before and I feel like there are elements from within which are now clearer than they were prior. Also, I am slowly hearing the silent voice within. It seems on the outskirts for the most part, but there are moments of stillness in meditation and also in life where I hear it. It has taken a long time, but progress there is taking place now. I still feel like I have much more to go, but finally feel like tangible progress is afoot.

[begeegs]

I have been on holiday in Spain for a couple of weeks and did meditate there which was pretty good overall despite being eaten alive by mosquitos (they love me). I had a very vivid dream which again pertained to FST in which I had been accepted for an advanced programme at a university who had a female researcher/doctor who was the head. After I abandoned being at the back of a class with former high school friends who were wise cracking, I moved forward, but at a slow pace despite trying very hard. Quite amusing as those sort of high school friends probably are indicative of the intellectualism of the ego mind or the smartarse (lol). I ended up in this race and finished at an average pace. I would think that both of those elements (race, trying) are also things that are deeply ingrained in the psyche as I am naturally very competitive, so it seems like the trying is the thing which needs to be treated with a fine toothed comb. Also, the measuring aspect (race) would be something which will be unique for everyone and not a real objective thing, so I need to surrender both of them.

Since my return, I have had what seems to be a couple of really good days of meditation as I have arrived on the Kegel lesson. I have found that doing Kegels within the grounding gave me a headache until I did a meditation. This seemed to clear the headache altogether that I abandoned the Kegels during grounding when I did a grounding alone. I do a grounding before a meditation as well, so now I am doing the Kegel (lightly) and this seems to have had a dramatic effect where I feel very pleasant for a few hours afterwards. It was like I was on the cusp of something blissful, but not quite there yet.

I have also found that trying to stay in the moment during the day, but not in a forceful fashion seems to really help in the concentration department. I have had trouble in the past with the wandering mind during meditation, so this has proven to be effective in combating that. It is still very early, but promising.

[begeegs]

I have found a way to do Kegels just before grounding without the headaches. I think that perhaps I was perhaps too aggressive (one of my personality traits - overdoing things...) with how many that I did (it wasn't a ton - I took direction from the ESO book, but that must have been too much). This time, I was more gentle and did less and found that this helped a lot. Granted it is only one day, but I was encouraged with this.

On a separate note, I started wondering about ascension and the things that will likely need to be surrendered and all of the things that one does or doesn't do. Is it more about doing things in balance or eliminated entirely? For example, sometimes I will play video games in the evening. I have had issues with addiction to them in the past, so I wonder if this is something which needs to be surrendered and then balanced? I could list a lot of things which I know about myself which I have issues with (competitiveness, impatience, video games, escapism, amounst many other things) and some of those things probably need to be curtailed with a view of elimination, but other things, like the escapism (television, video games, etc.) potentially need to be done in a balanced way?

[Mystress]

  Surrender everything. If it is meant to be yours, Goddess will give it back better.

  Balance is important but what I see is a lot of judgments about yourself. Surrender those too.

  Energy headaches are usually from the crown chakra closing. Blocked chimney.

  Take it easy with the kegels, build up slowly. Surrender often, it can really bring up the stuff to surrender.

    Good stuff!

[begeegs]

I haven't posted in a while as I have had a couple of weeks of family things (travel) as we are thinking about moving from where I am now. We would be closer to Scotland and more nature along with people being friendlier. The water here is so hard and destroying my skin :-(

I have gone easy with the kegels and it seems that I am slowly building this up which is nice. I am seeing more sensation and happiness around this light excercise now. In addition, my meditations have improved quite a lot to the point where once my meditation were littered with distraction whereas now, there are still distractions, but not nearly the amount as before. I am finding rhythm in them.

I had a funny dream last night where I was to go assist a person with plumbing in anothers house. I thought that it was a case of mistaken identity, but went along with it anyway to see if I could solve the issue. The woman had a leak which I could feel on the outside of the lower middle of the house. It looked like a porcelain face which the water was coming out of. I thought about installing different plumbing, but was told that this wasn't the answer.

I think that the fact that it was a plumber who was helping me is encouraging as it would imply that the things which are causing issues with flow are being taken care of. It looks like I was taking things too literally in the dream, so perhaps thinking things in an analytical form when trust needs to be in place. I will have to look more in detail with this, but I am wondering if I get in my own way from time to time.

[begeegs]

I am on the 'Void' lesson which was quite thought provoking to me. It reminded me of an episode that I had with LSD when I was 19 (many moons ago). I was at a Grateful Dead concert (my friends liked them and I forced myself to believe that I did - lol) and dropped the LSD. It was incredibly strong and I ended up having a peak experience where I had a fleeting glimpse of the oneness of all, but then a new thought came about which meant that now I would have to be splintered into many pieces (my psyche) and I would no longer exist. This terrified me and made the peak experience come crashing down quickly. I hadn't really thought about it for a long time, but when I read the lesson, it seemed to ring true. Whether or not this was an actual encounter with the Void is another story.

My practices have been still decent with building up the kegels. I am still not doing loads, but enough which is a pleasant feeling. Later on, this can sometimes result in intense nervous energy. I have gotten better at watching the energy and not trying to get enveloped in it. It can be a bit difficult with everything going on in the world including my own world, but I try to do it with surrender. Some days/events are better than others.

I have noticed that my thoughts seem to effect people even from a pretty long distance. I know about the quantum aspect of energy, but I haven't actually seen it in action from a distance until recently.

I still haven't had the ascension, but I will remain patient and dilligent. If and when I do have it, I would imagine that it will be an episode that I wouldn't soon forget, so I am certain that this hasn't happened yet. I am sure that there are still many more things that need to be surrendered. :-)

[begeegs]

Well, I have now reached my pre-graduation essay lesson. I have started writing it, but I do feel that there are aspects which I didn't do well in which would probably render any sort of graduation ritual premature. Those are Discernment (Body Talk, Open Heart Chakra), Divine Beloved, and Opening 3rd Eye.

For Discernment, the results are very inconsistent. I know that the effects are subtle, but depending on the day/time can yield issues for either chakra. I have also opened up to seeing if it is something else other than those two chakras involved with anything. Although, it isn't inline with what we are taught here, I do have a very rich dream life and wonder if it is possible that Goddess speaks to us there?

For Divine Beloved, I haven't witnessed this entity as independent outside of my imagination with ego pulling the strings. Sometimes, I can dream something and I will know that is likely Anima related (I am assuming that they are the same thing), but those are very much few and far between. Is there anything that can help with this communication?

Opening 3rd Eye - I may be fine here as I don't have issues with visualization, but I definitely haven't had the sort of light that never goes out experience when I close my eyes. If this is a byproduct, then I am definitely far off with this lesson. Perhaps with visualization, I am leading too much rather than using the visualization loosely and allowing the unconscious to take control and when I does, I take control again?

Those are just a few lessons which I am still struggling to get on top of.

On a positive note, I do feel like Kegels have greatly enhanced my meditations. Do these have the same effect as the normal lesson download in burning off karma? I have been surrendering loads and I do feel that dreams have been pointing me in directions where I should be focussing. Last night, I dreamed that I was on a train to a town in the UK called Brighton which I lived for many years (back when I led a more hedonistic lifestyle - I was a musician) which generally points to areas where I need to focus (especially with me being on a train), so I have been going with it to see where that gets me in addition to reviewing old lessons.

[Mystress]

  When I wrote that 20 years ago, the pacing was based on the timeline of people I was working with much more directly, basically testing my guru attainments to carry them up. It was effective but unsustainable. If they had a fall from grace they did not know how to climb back out because they did not really know how they got up in the first place. If they went into resistance it would crash me too, could not clear their karma from me.

  So, time has shown that nobody really is ready to write me an essay after only a year of study. Your progress is fascinating to watch. If the Goddess magic were an ocean, you have gone from not being sure it exists, to wading in. Still a long ways from immersion. That your thoughts can affect others is a new idea for you... it is a measure of ego separation still remaining. You can revisit the Void anytime. The evocative silence.

  You raise the kundalini energy with kegels, it is to be done from a state of surrender to avoid force. Predictable pattern: raise more energy, feels good and it triggers the karma stuff for a down shift while it is processed, surrendered.  Trigger too much at once it can be unpleasant. Trigger way too much, there is danger of falling into resistance and growing psychosis around it.

   The kick from kegels comes with a hang over.  Nature of a fire path eh? Pro active but surrender is essential. It is put close to the end, trusting the student has become immersed in surrender deeply enough to handle the power with discernment and respect. If you have aced grounding and surrender, and realized the stuff of the past is nothing to attach to then you can judiciously use kegels to find remaining karma issues. So long as there is stuff to be surrendered, there will be the processing hangover.

  Just like your deadhead trip, peak experience followed by the ego fear triggered by the higher vibration energy. Grounding and surrender were not the default in you then. The more the response becomes engrained as reflex, the safer you are to push the envelope with how much energy you can handle without suffering afterwards.  There is no rush. Be gentle with yourself. Stop and smell the roses.

 

 

[begeegs]

Thank you for the reply, Mystress. :-)

This course has been incredibly interesting on so many levels. It has really altered my direction in life.

I will continue to review lessons and the forum for now and apply those to my practice. It has been a very gradual sort of adventure which is perfect for me as I do have the practical responsibility of being the bread winner for my family. I read about the other Vamps on the site and the personal changes that they take on so quickly and realize that must be really difficult, so I am grateful for the pacing that I am exposed to now.

[begeegs]

I am going back over older lessons starting with Body Talk which has me going back through them anyway. So far, this has gone well. I will carry on with this as I am feeling an incremental amount of strengthening with grounding and energy in general.

I did have a moment of this expanding peace during a meditation last week when I did a prayer when I was finishing up. I would have liked to carry on with this, but I had to go back to work :-( Perhaps I should have bunked off of work...

On a slightly funny note, I had a synchronicity with an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. At work, I have had a bit of an anxious weekend which was regarding a colleague who was throwing his teammates under the bus. In the SpongeBob episode, Squidward was undermining SpongeBob for a chance at a dance audition. Squidward succeeded in tiring SpongeBob out that he missed the audition and Squidward went to the audition and got the part. Upon getting the part, he found out that his archrival was the director of the show and proceeded to do the same things to Squidward. Whether or not this is something that happens to my colleague who was undermining his teammates is another question, but it seemed apt at the time.

[begeegs]

Wow - nearly a whole month has gone by. I have been bad with doing diary entries this past month, however, I have had some interesting experiences, but those have been mainly related to energy in the body. For example, during my second meditation last night, I left so much energy that it felt like I was about ready to pop. There was quite a lot of heat that I have experienced before, but the dial was turned up this time. It seems like this sort of energy comes in waves: it ebbs and flows over my meditation.

I have also went and tried to start to really focus on my past and things which holds emotional content. When I do this, I have surrender the initial thing and then see what the next thought is that pops up in my mind. Generally, it something linked and I surrender this as well.

This morning, I started off with grounding, some kegels and then a surrendering meditation when I had a thought about the Divine Beloved and how I could actually start imagination with this (which I have been doing more and more over the past month) and the words 'You're doing great' popped into my head and I felt that this was the Heart Voice. I felt a fluctuation around this area, so I do think that was definitely it, but it was nice to have a validation of sorts.

Anyway - I will continue with my practice as it is going well. Having said that, it has always gone well with practices here. It has been a slow building up of things to get where I am today, so I am grateful for this site :-)

[begeegs]

I had quite a vivid Anima dream last night. I have been having them over and over for past couple of weeks, but last night was the most vivid: I was on a date with a woman who I dated about 12 years ago. When I dated her years ago, she was a nightmare and we didn't last very long. I see her in my dreams often and I think that she is representative of the negative aspects of my ideal woman - a shadow-side of the divine beloved, if you will. This time the woman had reformed and was now very nice to me. She also morphed in a appearance eventually and wanted to seduce me. This changed into watching as my own appearance shifted and I watched myself in the 3rd person as we walked into a place which would record our sex session for virtual reality later. I woke up with her saying to me that I needed to do something about the situation. This also comes hot on the heels of another dream which this also started to occur in a dream the night prior, however not as direct of a message.

Now I know that the Divine beloved features quite heavily in the lessons here, but for me it has always been in dreams where she has appeared and generally it is not in this context, so hopefully, I am doing something right. Usually, she is someone who is someone who is distant in dreams and I don't actually ever get, but now it seems like it is a possibility.

[Mystress]

 I think you are doing well. Glad you were quick to realize the ex in your dream is your own reflection.

  Connecting with the DB in dreams is good, it often starts there... but developing a connection while awake is essential. Whether Goddess heart voice, Divine Beloved or Planetary Consciousness... discernment... Knowing what is Her will for you, is essential navigation.  It takes time to grow it, persistence is key but also resolving hidden resistance.

  A scene we have all seen before, in movies or TV: someone is on the phone or two way radio, making fake static noises and claiming a bad connection so they can pretend not to hear what is being said. It is a power game, an effort to retain control.

  Asleep, you are open, receptive. Ask yourself, your guidance, about what you are doing to sabotage the connection while awake, so you can continue to maintain an illusion of control over your own life? 

   Ever see the movie Constantine, with Keanu Reeves? I fell asleep half way through but was intrigued by the premise. Constantine is a Christian exorcist, a demon killer to is destined to go to hell, no matter how much good he does, because of his attempted suicide when he was younger. The angel tells him "you took a life, it is a mortal sin. There is no redemption."

  I do not believe in the Christian hell, and I want to believe there is always room for redemption... I also know, people who have not learned it is wrong to harm others, end up in a bardo (afterlife) of total isolation from which there is no escape, until loneliness turns them catatonic and they fray away to nothing. I was contemplating why some suicides end up there, and got the insight that our lives are not our own, so murder and suicide are the same crime. Theft- taking what is not ours to take. The most precious, priceless thing: a human life.

   There are some world philosophies that say the same, we do not belong to ourselves. Our lives are not our own. Who or what we do belong to, opinions vary... but when K awakens, we belong to Goddess.

  Ego, and yes especially male ego, does not like the idea. Wants to believe itself autonomous, king. In control.

   I feel that accepting that your life is not your own, might be key to silencing the static. To opening the connection to Goddess, your owner.

[begeegs]

Thank Mystress. You are right. When viewing my life through this prism, I probably waste so much time with things which hold me back. I suppose that in essence, I am probably lost in many ways and get in my own way quite a lot.

The funny thing is that I have had a couple of dreams which more or less told me this. It was showing me that perhaps I am looking at this as a race and the more that I try, the further that I fall away. Both dreams were exactly like this - there were literal races in it.

Hopefully, I am on the correct path now.

[begeegs]

So I am carrying on with the heart voice lessons and have been doing it for the past week. Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten anywhere. I suspect that I must have some issues related to it that I am not aware of. When I do the work and -focus on the heart, I find that I feel like I am going to cough afterwards - Almost like something is loosened up, but I still do not know what it is.

I do know that it does get me down a bit that this portion isn't working. I surrender what I can during meditation and also during waking life, but I feel like I am stuck in a hamster wheel with the food just out of my reach. I will carry on with it and research the forum as I am sure that others have also run into the same issues.

[Mystress]

The heart voice needs the throat chakra to communicate.

Throat chakra blockages in men: "Big boys don't cry."
In women it is "if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all."

  Clearing instructions, search for "bark like a dog" lol

  Watching some very sad movies might shake things loose.

  Sometimes people already have the heart voice but they get confused expecting something different.

  Think of a time when you had a thought and you could feel with your whole body that the thought was true. Then examine the mind-voice that spoke the thought. Does it match the heart voice description?

[begeegs]

Thanks Mystress. I will have a look at the Bark Like a Dog link. lol!

I did have an interesting experience when I grounded last night before bedtime. Usually, as I get more and more tired, the more in tune that I feel with chakras. I have had a lot of sensation from the heart as well because of the work. So I lay down and grounded one more time and tried. I asked it if it could hear me and I was bolted to attention with a definitive 'Yes'. I relaxed myself and ask a series of questions and I got fragments of complete sentences which I wasn't really able to fully understand, but they were all in context to the question. During this exercise, I did one thing different which was to concentrate on the aura after a grounding. I will keep experimenting, but hopefully this is the breakthrough that I was hoping for as it seemed like the sentences was a continuous conversation that has always been happening.

[begeegs]

I have also been seeing something more interesting with FST which is detachment more and more. I still have my moments, for sure, but also have an increasing amount of time in a sort of a state of acceptance, so I am very grateful for that :-)

[begeegs]

I searched for 'bark like a dog', but it didn't turn anything up. I have kept on with the Heart voice and will keep on for now.

Can you clear chakras by just concentration? I did this over the week and swapped between the Heart and Throat. When I did this, I did have some insights. I think that I was looking at potential blockages as being solely things which were directed against me, but I then started thinking about how I treated people when I was younger. I surrendered these. I am sure that there are loads more which needs to be examined and surrender.

Today, I seemed to have a sort of massive sensation from the heart when I focussed again in a nice way. This was after a dream last night where I saw a big thawing of a snow covered mountain which I am attributing to things progressing well.

I also wondered about the karma in the body. Is it possible that with this surrender that these muscular karmic issues disappear?

[begeegs]

I had an interesting experience yesterday while watching a show that I am not a fan of with my wife, Strictly Come Dancing (she loves it). After my meditation in the afternoon, where I kept my focus on the heart and surrendered any distraction that came up, I felt incredibly weepy during this show which is highly unusual. I haven't ever really felt moved by dancing or music (and I used to be a musician!) to nearly shed tears. I have always found empathy and compassion difficult and was told by more than a few that my heart chakra was blocked, so it was an unusual moment for sure, but I think a positive one.