Diario de Begeegs

[begeegs]

I resumed FST last week with the thought of carrying on practicing on the body talk lesson with each lesson regardless. I am pretty inconsistent with the actual results from it. Generally when I practice this at night, the results are much better than the day. I can only surmise that it is because I am relaxed more or perhaps my grounding is better? I am not sure between the two as it could also just be a cumalative effect of grounding throughout the day.

When I had my tummo session with Mystress, I was told that my grounding cord didn't go all the way to the core. I have amended the visualization slightly to go to the core of the core which seems to have improved. I make certain that after I do the initial grounding, I go and check the connection. The results have been that when I make the first contact that my feet begin tingling even before I bring the energy up. Also, I feel that I am hearing more voices or fragments of them when I focus on the feet during meditation. I hear these fragments at times during the day, but they are fragments of sentences usually pertaining to anything which is on the mind.

From a sensation point of view, this has also gotten stronger. I am finding that during meditation, after a spell, I start to get pressure in the perenium, feet and legs. This usually will start to spread (albeit a little milder) up the back. I also had a funny experience where I was too tired, but proceeded to meditate anyway and started to drift off. When I did this, I got a very audible 'you are not listening' which amused me.

I have had other related dreams which seems to verify the 'guardian on the threshold' truth. I saw a mother elephant holding back a large expansive trunk from what she was feeding her child (trunks were connected).

Finally, in related to the 'Kundalini Diet' lesson, I have begun the Flaxseed Oil tablets and recently, I switched to Green Tea from Coffee because I believe that I must be allergic to something in the coffee. I drink it and turn into a nervous monster, so switching to Tea made things a lot easier. Altogether a good couple of weeks :-)

[begeegs]

The past week has been mixed. I feel that on the major lessons that I haven't done very well with them result-wise. I would term those lessons as 'Opening Heart Chakra/Heart Voice', 'Divine Beloved', 'Opening 3rd Eye', and 'Body Talk'. However, I do take note that it probably takes about 3 years to graduate from the course and I am not long into that number. I will have to go back through those lessons, but perhaps there needs to be more internal clearing before those particular lessons will bear fruit which brings me to the current lesson, 'Surrender Ego'. This is probably quite central for those other lessons in my case as there is so much to surrender. I have done ok for the week and continued to practice body talk during my meditations, but I am not getting anywhere with it, so I should probably put it down for now and try another older lesson. Maybe I will have more success in another one and I can revisit Body Talk another later.

[begeegs]

This past week has been mixed with some. I moved back to the heart voice and I have had a couple of sessions which seemed better than prior and then other ones which were not. It felt like more of an expansive feeling in the whole of the upper torso when responding to the affirmative. Before, I would go with what I perceived to be a pressure. I think that I confused myself before as when i did this prior, I remember reading a post in the archives which seemed to say to pay attention to the feet/breath while simultaneously watching the heart/solar plexus. When I did this before, I think that I was probably leading answers. This past week, I worked more on not doing this, but rather looking at my feet primarily which helped.

I also had a few sessions in which paying attention to the feet would generate a lot of heat and tiny muscle twitches in the body during meditation. This seems to be a new feature to the meditation and happens after maybe 30 minutes or so. It doesn't happen every time but enough that I have noticed.

I am now reading a book from an author who was linked in the external links - John Ruskan. The book is Emotional Clearing and it is a very good read thus far. It is early into the book, but what is interesting is that it seems to be summarizing all of the things that I learned in magic over the course of years in just the first 70 pages - lol.

[begeegs]

Well - we are locked down here in the UK and I have rarely left the house. Thankfully, we have a nice wooded area by us which everyone can walk in without fear of being close to others.

My practices have been good as I have gone through a couple of lessons which both centered around sex - responsibility and the sacred marriage. I have had an increase of night time energy during this time in which I wake up and am absolutely buzzing. In one instance, I had a dream of walking into a house where there was this attractive female who I knew named (hilariously) Marsha Grassley. I know of no one with this name and a cursory Google search would indicate that there is no one with this name perhaps indicating the uniqueness of the person and the encounter. I felt that it was Anima/Divine Beloved related.

In meditation, I would always have a sort of hypnogogic words that would pop in my head during meditation. Most of the time, it was similar to turning an old analog radio and hearing fragments of sentences. This has changed although perhaps still not consistent. Now I get a fragment of a sentence, but it usually is two words, but clear and in context. They aren't audible or associated with a voice, but rather just words that appear in the mind.

On a separate note, I have been enjoying other postings on here and do use it as inspiration and potentially a sort of measure (if one could do such a thing).

I have also floated Mystress's statements on Covid19 and found that people generally accepted it and agreed. Expanding on the thought, it appears that it will be the death knell for life as we know it. With resistance to it coming from a lot of quarters (especially in the US), it seems that it will make things even worse if they continue down their path and refusing to adapt.

[begeegs]

This week was interesting for a couple of things. When I have a shakti download, I have been noticing energy in the heart region. This made me cough for a very short period of time, but it felt like something was loosening there. The odd thing was that it coincided with Covid19, so I did have a few hours wondering if I had something, but it passed pretty quickly (the coughing). This seems to keep coming around with each lesson, so I don't really get alarmed about it any more (not that I was massively so - concerned for short period of time would be a better phrase). This week, the same thing happened in my crown. Whereas once, I felt pressure, now it feels like there is an opening with this airy quality which wasn't present prior. I am wondering if these potentially were blockages which are slowly clearing or things which is linked to the surrendering. I suppose over time, I will know more. I'd like to think that is happening.

[Mystress]

I am wondering if these potentially were blockages which are slowly clearing or things which is linked to the surrendering. I suppose over time, I will know more. I'd like to think that is happening.

  Yes, that is exactly how it works. Each lesson has shakti of information but also some pokey stuff to trigger some karma of issues related to the lesson. Brings it up to be surrendered and then it is gone and Shakti fills the space. Staying grounded keeps you out of resistance so it all flows better as well as being additional self-shaktipat, your own connection to Goddess the Planet. Her peace and wisdom guiding the path.

  The karma bits, blockages  are all ego fragments and so we wear away at ego with these practices, increasing vibration and becoming closer to the Divine. Eventually there is not enough ego left to sustain itself, and you ascend.

  Seen that way, the road to enlightenment is almost mechanistic. The spiritual is, Goddess knows where all the karma is buried and what you are ready to deal with. Having it come up in a relatively orderly fashion, at a pace you can handle is the Divine genius of the process, side stepping the very real potentials of kundalini psychosis from going into resistance at stuff you cannot handle. 

  Goddess in charge, just keep surrendering.

[begeegs]

Thanks for the insights, Mystress. I am happy that this is happening. This course has opened my eyes to what karma is. I had no idea about it being all stored in the body with emotion. Had I not taken this course, it would have taken me years to discover this through magical teachings. :-)

The past week was interesting because the triggers that Mystress has in her lessons actually triggered something in me which I didn't think was really there - potenital hangups with women. I found myself being a little emotionally triggered - albeit it wasn't a huge amount, but I did feel it. I have dated and married women who were very strong natured who I felt didn't treat me well (granted I accept that it stemmed from my own perceptions) and I think that I probably need to examine those relationships to surrender them. Likely, I will need to do this more than once - lol. I can recall some pain from some of them which I am certain the lesson has brought up.

Outside of this, I have been reading the posts on Vampires and exploring other threads on the forum. I probably can go forth and read more threads as between the lessons and the threads there is a lot of information to take in.

[Mystress]

 Demystifying mysticism. That is my talent.

  It is strange, isn't it that so many talk about karma as something mysterious and never get down to the brass tacks of how we hold it in the body as points of tension built around emotional memories. Hatha yoga is compatible with FST because it is locating and releasing the tension via slow precise stretches.

  Every massage therapist can tell stories of how they poked a tense spot and the client burst out crying getting a vivid flashback of some childhood memory.  Some spots have been tense so long they are numb and not noticed.

  When you get good at surrender, and see the benefits, you can go hunting for things that trigger you, for the benefit of trigger-be-gone. Finding the karma stuff to let it go. Pro-active surrender.

  The tantra thing, dancing in the cremation grounds, is all about breaking taboos, to find and release the karma stuff.  You do not have to physically do it, everyone has their own, emotional cremation grounds.  For me, part of it was lurking on the old news groups and trying to see Goddess where my triggers and conditioning believed She is not. Looking for the love.

  A more modern example, sometime after Trump was elected I asked Goddess, WTF?? Heard "He is my jester of reverse psychology." I started observing, not what he does but the reactions. Every time the clown opens his mouth, a few thousand activists are born, intent on doing the opposite.  He is like an ugly mirror reflecting all that is broken in the USA. At that time, I could not have guessed it would get to the point where he shows all the ugly, heartlessness and greed of a pure capitalist system.  The jester has become a wrecking ball, cutting a swathe of death that is horrifying the world. Goddess does not mess around.

More on karma clearing. http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma.php

K teacher is a bit broken, I got distracted htaccess errors, half way through changing it back to a html site. So, if the .htm or .html extension does not work, change it to .php and if .php does not work, change to .html or .htm

 

[begeegs]

Yes - I do find some things about other traditions to be over-shrouded in mystery including some things which seemed more like navel-gazing than anything of value (granted - this also could be me missing multiple points - lol). This is why I love your course as you don't do any of that.

A jester is certainly an apt description for Trump as it would imply distraction which is exactly what is going on there. Everyone was so hyper-focussed on what he did or said, that no one paid any attention to the policies being passed. It seems that the Coronavirus has exposed the ramifications for all of those policies and cuts to social spending. It would be hilarious if it wasn't such a tragedy.

[begeegs]

Today will be the last day for me in my current magic society. I haven't been practicing for months now because I wanted to separate where the results were coming from and now that I know, I have to leave. I never really got into the ritual elements anyway, so I guess that I was fooling myself that this tradition was a good match for me. I thought that I would grow into it, but that never really transpired. There are some good people in the society, so I will miss them, but perhaps the society was an impediment in the long run. On a positive note, I am quite regimented in my approach to spirituality as a result, so perhaps that is what I needed.

I did have a dream which I felt that I had graduated a junior college and was about to attend a very prestigious university which I think was very pertinent to my situation. I was struggling to know which university that it was, but it was in a big city as well, so well founded. I think that the graduation was harsh, but accurate - lol.

I also started praying this past week to Goddess during meditation which I found was very effective. When I did this, I felt heat and energy immediately. This has gotten stronger over the week and last night, I felt more energy up the spine and a lot towards the root chakra. I do feel like I have stumbled on to something which clicks in with how I am personally with noticable results, so it is a big positive.

[Mystress]

 FST is in a big city, technically. My VPS is hosted at the top of Harbour Center in downtown Vancouver. It is the round tower in the center of this photo:



Moved to tell you:

Triple Goddess:
Crone = Goddess Void.
Woman/Mother = Goddess planet.
Maiden = Goddess in your heart.

  I described FST to someone recently, as something separate from religion, more like, mysticism via science and Jungian Psychology. Mind of Goddess planet is geomagnetic field, heart is fiery crystal. This Goddess has a physical  body and we are all living on it. A mind, consciousness and an energy body and we are all naturally wired into it but She respects free will so the presence is invisible until you go looking.

My first encounter with Goddess planet was 54 years ago. With the Gaia-mind theory in the 70s and all, science is finally catching up.

  Even the Pope! is saying coronavirus is nature responding to climate change. The idea that the planet is conscious and self aware is really starting to penetrate.

  I respect and honour the old Gods of mythology.

  Goddess of FST, is not mythical.  

  Thank you for saying nice things. So rewarding for me to see people getting results, growing.

[begeegs]

Thanks for your response, Mystress. The only thing that flew by my head was the 'Crone' portion. I wasn't familiar with the word before, so I looked it up :-) I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet. Hopefully that will come in time.

I have read articles regarding Coronavirus which states that the virus can be spread with pollution - https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200427-how-air-pollution-exacerbates-covid-19 - so it really lends support to this being generated by Goddess. I had a funny dream about being back in Michigan (where I am originally from) and being a line for the doctors office and no one was observing social distancing nor being bothered about coronavirus, but all lined up at the doctors office to see if they were infected. I was triggered in the dream and it is funny because it seems that people in my home state are being described perfectly here.

My practices in the past week have been good. I continued praying during portions of my meditation to quite good effect. It feels like something in the heart is opening a bit, so a bit of a progression from the past week. In addition, my grounding amendments some months ago are now bearing fruit. I went to the core of the core and now once I hit the initial core, I feel energy to my body immediately even before I even bring it up consciously. I do so anyway, but it feels like it isn't needed.

[Gopi]

"The only thing that flew by my head was the 'Crone' portion. I wasn't familiar with the word before, so I looked it up :-) I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet. Hopefully that will come in time."

Trinity is a very powerful concept and is found in almost all old religions.
In Shaktism (Goddess worshiping Hindu sect), one of the main Goddess is Tripura Sundari - tri (three), pura (city), sundari (beauty) - meaning 'beauty that shines through three universes'.
The three universes or cities for Tantric practice are body, mind, and spirit where Goddess rules and shines through.
In pagan and wicca tradition, maiden, mother, and crone are three stages of Goddess, each with a specific focus as Mystress has pointed out above.
In Hinduism, we have Bala Tripura Sundari (maiden) and Dhumavati (crone).

"Perceived as the Void, as the dissolved form of consciousness, when all beings are dissolved in sleep in the supreme Brahman, having swallowed the entire universe, the seer-poets call her the most glorious and the eldest, Dhumavati... among yogis she becomes the power that destroys all thoughts, indeed Samadhi itself."
~ Ganapati Muni, Uma Sahasram 38. 13-14

"Dhumavati is thus the primal sleep wherein all the creatures of the universe are dissolved in the underlying reality of the Supreme Brahman. She is also Yoga-nidra or the yogic sleep in which the yogi is merged into the pre-creation state of consciousness and no longer perceives the external world. She represents the bliss of the before-creation state, wherein the formless Brahman alone exists. She helps us to forget the bad dream of Samsara and return to the blissful being of Nirvana. She is the wisdom of forgetting.

Dhumavati is the void, wherein all forms have been dissolved and nothing can any longer be differentiated. Yet this void is not mere darkness. It is a self-illuminating reality free of the ordinary duality of subject and object… As such, Dhumavati is pure, perfect, and full Awareness in which there are no longer any objects. The Void is not merely emptiness but the cessation of the movements of the mind. Dhumavati is thus ultimately silence itself."
~ David Frawley (Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom of Goddess)

It is not possible to logically understand the Void through rational mind because that would mean there is an observer.
Dissolution of separation through ego death is usually referred to 'returning to the Void'

[Mystress]

 Begeegs wrote:I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet.

  You have been, just not relating as such.

  The peace you feel when grounding, the response of the fiery crystal heart, the wisdom that comes when you are grounded, is Goddess the Planet.  You experience Her every time you ground.

  The still small voice of the heart, a neutral voice to respect your free will, Goddess in your heart.

  You will meet Goddess Void,  in the Void lesson.

I have read articles regarding Coronavirus which states that the virus can be spread with pollution

Aye, I posted that to my fb when it came out.

It feels like something in the heart is opening a bit

  Goddess in your heart, hears your prayers.

I went to the core of the core and now once I hit the initial core, I feel energy to my body immediately even before I even bring it up consciously. I do so anyway, but it feels like it isn't needed.

You are talking about the fiery crystal heart of the planet?

What do you mean, the core of the core?

  You can experience water by turning on the tap, or you can go to the reservoir and jump in. That is the difference between grounding and going into the crystal. Either way, Goddess Planet.

[Mystress]

Gopi Wrote: Dissolution of separation through ego death is usually referred to 'returning to the Void'

  Intriguing. Yet in my Void lesson, we visit, and there are permanent changes but ego still exists.

  I so appreciate your Dravidian perspective.

  I asked Goddess for the Kundalini path She embedded in our DNA, and out came Fire Serpent Tantra, and I too am still learning about it! Especially with stuff like Void that cannot be understood by the rational mind, to begin with.

  Visiting the Void; the experience causes permanent perceptual changes. Black is no longer black but appears filled with a billion tiny dots of light in rainbow colours. Even the sidebar to the left of this page, is not black to me. It contains colour like a raven's wing is all colours except the colours are tiny tiny points. Actually for me, any surface any colour.

Iridescent raven image

  The Fire Serpent has a similar iridescence... like rainbow obsidian, black that contains all primary colours. With open eyes in a pitch-black room, the tiny dancing lights are everywhere.

  Spiritually, to me it means darkness is not real, light is everywhere. It does affect a subtle change of consciousness and contemplating the sparkles of colours in the dark gives a light trance of peace... but don't ask me why, or how it happens, I have no idea!   

  I will note that there are three non-dual Voids.

  There is a pure black Void. Guidance says I visited it a long time ago and it is a part of me, but I have no memory of doing so. I suspect that is the one you call Dhumavati. Void before the Big Bang, outside of time, contains all potentials of creation but is Nothing. Is that resonant? 

  Void lesson visits the Starry Void, it is the most accessible and useful.

  The third is a white light Void that is called the Godhead, it is associated with the crown chakra, and the crown chakra in the secondlife chakra temple is modeled after it.
 

[Gopi]

In Shaktism, Goddess is worshiped through ten different facets.
These are called Dasa Mahavidya - dasa (ten) maha (great) vidya (wisdom).
Each of them is a specific wisdom of Goddess and is intended to help the Tantra practitioner grow in a specific aspect of their life.
One of them is Dhumavati which focuses on the crone aspect.

"Yet in my Void lesson, we visit, and there are permanent changes but ego still exists."

I find it difficult to write about the Void because it cannot be fully described from any perspective.
I feel like when absorbed into the Void, it is not possible to identify as ego even though we may regain sense of ego self later.
Tantra practitioners are instructed to meditate upon specific facets of Goddess so that they may get absorbed into that specific wisdom through practice.
So I agree with you Mystress.
It is very much possible for ego to exist after visiting the Void but the experience alters us.
Perhaps there is a difference between visiting the pure black Void and Starry Void (which is referred to in FST lesson).

"There is a pure black Void. Guidance says I visited it a long time ago and it is a part of me, but I have no memory of doing so. I suspect that is the one you call Dhumavati. Void before the Big Bang, outside of time, contains all potentials of creation but is Nothing. Is that resonant? "

Yes Mystress.
This is the Void I am referring to as Dhumavati.

[Mystress]

  How funny, to put a name to the nameless, 24 years later. I remember.

  I wrote about this before,   but that record of the memory is incomplete, because I was interrupted. It is missing the first part.

  Early summer, 1996. I got an instruction to lay down and close eyes, turn inward and then a powerful vision. A voice out of the dark, I somehow never doubted was feminine and a Goddess, said "I am Infinite,   I am Nameless,  I am Nothing, and I am you." Then it showed me the Big Bang and...

  I was with two of my love slaves, empathically linked and my suddenly asking them to be quiet and laying down was distressing to them, and their feelings were distracting me so I opened my eyes to reassure them I would be back in minutes... then returned to the vision, to the universe with stars and the Earth evolving from coalescing stardust to modern times, with the feeling it was my own creation.  Being Goddess.

  Through the empathic link and I guess watching me, they got a sense of it too. Presence of a Goddess in me. None of us really knew what to make of it, at the time. It was druid who recognized the energy about a week later, calling it simply "Goddess" as I have, ever since.

All Shamans have a dream lab, in the Dreamtime, where we do the work. Mine looks like the starry Void except I can manifest or draw things inside for examination... or maybe I just look, from there.   

[begeegs]

Thanks Gopi and Mystress for the lessons.

Gopi - I hadn't really thought of it as a trinity, so thanks for that. It certainly makes more sense now.

Mystress - when I say the core of the core, I felt that I needed to ensure that I was grounding properly as I recall that I was falling a bit short, so I am aiming for the very middle of the crystal or the core of the core :-) This seems to have worked for me as I can feel when I have struck paydirt, so to speak.

[begeegs]

I have been doing well over the week and a half. My meditations have improved. I have also toned the prayer down when I noticed that when I was trying to generate this feeling behind the prayer that my breathing was changing as well unintentionally. I managed to hone this devotional feeling while reining in a normal breathing pattern which was interesting. I am not sure that I was able to do this before, so that particular feeling I have put into grounding. In essence, it seems like I have combined the feeling from prayer and the grounding over the past day or two. At times, it has really felt pleasant, so something seems to be falling into place.

This comes during a week in which I was just doing a normal meditation on the 3rd eye for concentration which seemed to generate a pressure which started growing from other locales in the body. This pressure grew and seemed to explode around the head region and I felt a prickly feeling around the whole head for a short period. It happened again a day or so later, but not as pronounced. I am assuming that it was an energy clearing of sorts. It was very physiological and not much more which is fine for me. Since this time, I have had more heat and more buildups of energy during meditations, but they hadn't approached the feeling as it did prior. It isn't uncomfortable as I continue the concentration as well as I did prior, I was just noticing that it felt like it was warmer than before.

I have to say that I am finding it quite hilarious that after I quit magic formally that my practices start to really progress.

[Mystress]

I have to say that I am finding it quite hilarious that after I quit magic formally that my practices start to really progress.

  You mean, when you quit your old practices and started with my training. What I have been telling you, all along.

You still don't really get it though, still being the doer, trying to force things with this third eye meditation. Blowing shit up. There is potential for damage.

  Here is an idea. Ask Goddess to take whatever is in the way of being able to concentrate better. Thank her for taking it, breathe big sigh of release and focus on tingly feet. Usual surrender process.
  Then ask Goddess to take the karma from your third eye and open it, at a pace you can handle.

  Then maybe you will understand that all these force practices are a potentially damaging waste of time, compared to Goddess has it handled.

  Notice, the pearl broke most easily for those who were already deeply surrendered after years of devotion. Goddess did it, effortless.

[begeegs]

Mystress - I actually stopped my magical training in December last year although I was still involved with the group on an administrative level. This was why I found it funny because all I really did was sever the ties from the group and it seemed like my practices have move up a notch.

Regarding the 3rd eye - I wasn't trying to do anything other than concentrate and silence the mind. I find it easier to concentrate on the body, so I was trying to simplify things. I will try what you suggest and just focus on the feet. Hopefully it will work well :-)

I really didn't expect that the pearl would break for me as I am nowhere near the level that others are at. Perhaps in time, I will be able to do that.

[Mystress]

 Alright, I will give you something to do. I never know who comes to FST via k-teacher, if they have seen these pages or not. The karma clearing comes a bit later in FST but I think you are ready to have a go at this stuff: k teacher karma section

  That site is a bit broken, I got distracted part way though converting it back to html. So if a .php doesn't work change it to .html and vise-versa.

  We silence the mind, by surrendering the noises. It's all karma stuff squeaking. Trying to force the mind to silence, does not work, does it? No forcing, no trying. Ease. Goddess has it handled. 

[begeegs]

I am in the middle of the lesson 'Shadow', but I have to say that the last three lessons, 'The Mirror Game' and 'Karmic Law' along with 'Shadow' have been the best of the course so far. I have really enjoyed them. The interesting thing about it was the Portal Guardian and learning to unconditionally love it. It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality. Especially, given that these experiences which do crop up aren't really under the sort of control that we may think that it is.

It also makes me wonder about the terms surrender, acceptance and unconditional love. It seems that they are different forms of the same thing. Perhaps initially, surrendering these karmic thoughts, memories, etc. is the the form that must be employed because I am just learning, but eventually, this surrendering gives way to the acceptance and unconditional love. Does it make more sense to just apply love and acceptance to the thoughts, emotions that come up?

This past week has been interesting. I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where. It seems to be true because the shakti download seems to be more present for longer now. It seems that the heart, throat and root chakra feel like there is a stream of energy going them. However, the power chakra and sensation chakra haven't must of anything just yet which isn't surprising - lol.

My meditations have improved a lot. I have more or less just relaxed into them and just went into a period of noticing and then back to relaxing. I started with focussing on the feet, but focussing on the surrounding body seemed to be natural, so I went with it. It isn't really even on the body per se, but more like I am just relaxing and just being. I also do some prayer which is nice as well, but not with the emphasis that I had before. I do find it useful at times, but not really with the emphasis that it had prior.

[Mystress]

The interesting thing about it was the Portal Guardian and learning to unconditionally love it. It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality. Especially, given that these experiences which do crop up aren't really under the sort of control that we may think that it is.

You do not have a portal guardian because you are not a Shaman. You have a shadow side, which is invisible to you, by definition and best detected by looking at your judgments of others. Giving it love is good anyway! I am sure your intention was understood even if your terminology was mixed up.

Free will, both does and does not exist. Even after ascension, realization, the choice to love or fear remains because fear is part of the body trying to keep itself safe. The option for that choice remains always. The fearful choices are less tempting when you understand their hidden costs.

Goddess respects our free will but also pulls our strings.

It also makes me wonder about the terms surrender, acceptance and unconditional love. It seems that they are different forms of the same thing.

Not the same. Related. Surrender is letting go. Acceptance is letting be. Unconditional love is Divine energy, the most powerful force in the universe. A non dual energy, it blows up karma which is why it is better to aim it at your own self growing and not others.  It can be more weapon than gift, if sent outwardly.

I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where.

  You sound like one of the recently ascended. Probably something that was stopping the pearl from breaking. You are being prepped for that, I think.

Good you are learning to flow with the process. Bravo!

[Gopi]

" It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality."
As Mystress has pointed out, there is always a choice between fear and love.
Fear is absence of love (shadow aspect) just like darkness is absence of light.
Ego is like having a pet dog that will bark at strangers or anything that it senses as danger.
Only the master of the house knows that the stranger is actually a new friend.
Putting ego in charge of decisions is like putting the dog in charge of the household.
Better for the dog (ego) to learn to trust the master of the house (your DB).

In Kundalini path, surrender is the only real option because everything else is just prolonged suffering till the ego becomes tired of playing games.
Sooner or later, ego learns that the best option is to surrender to Divine within.
It may take some time before we learn this and every mistake we make is a lesson for our own growth.
Once you surrender, everything belongs to Goddess - your dreams, your fears, your imperfections, your doubts, your pain, and your joy.
Your job is to simply show up and do the next thing Goddess sends your way without worrying about 'big life plans'.
Chop wood. Carry water.

"I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where. "
Clean healing.
Wanting to know details of past trauma that has healed is in itself a control game.
If you need to know something, then your guides will show it you at the appropriate time.

"My meditations have improved a lot. I have more or less just relaxed into them and just went into a period of noticing and then back to relaxing. I started with focussing on the feet, but focussing on the surrounding body seemed to be natural, so I went with it. It isn't really even on the body per se, but more like I am just relaxing and just being. I also do some prayer which is nice as well, but not with the emphasis that I had before. I do find it useful at times, but not really with the emphasis that it had prior. "
Lovely.
When there is no effort, then you can simply witness what is happening.
Prayer can be a powerful ritual because it is about the attitude that you take when you pray.
As you drop deeper into your own silence, prayer is just being grateful for existence - no laundry list of wishes and woes.

Enjoy the sunshine

Namaste!
Gopi