Diario de Begeegs

[begeegs]

The last couple of weeks have been quite hectic with travelling for work. I have continued the grounding practices, but some days, I was so busy that I couldn't meditate properly which was annoying. I found that during this time, I had a couple of instances in which I thought that it could have been the heart voice, but on retrospect, it was probably hypnagogia. I was doing the waking the snakes last week and this occurred because I meditated not long after I woke up (I won't be doing this again - lol!). There were days in which the grounding seemed to really heat up the body, but because I didn't feel that I was in a regular practice, there isn't really much to note on here. :-/

[begeegs]

Another interesting week with some things and one which has been floating on the horizon for a long while now. From a FST point of view, it has been good as I found that my heart voice gave me an answer which was not what I expected. Granted, this could also have been hypnogogia as I was in a trance, but now I wonder. I have gone to explore the heart to see what could have 'hardened' it and have tried some forgiveness exercises and asked Goddess for help. It resulted even in a lucid dream last night in which one of the characters (who represents my shadow) had a conversation with me. I can't remember all of the details. I will continue to crack on.

On another note, I am feeling that I am more and more indifferent to fear frpm politics, things like climate change, or even my son (who has autism). I am more apt to just surrender this fear although with the son, it can be hard. When I was doing a grounding exercise last week, my son decided to come an sit on my lap (he is 5) at that moment which was odd.

[begeegs]

This has been another good week in the meditation department as well as unexpected reactions. I have been having some instances of more empathy for others which I think is a good thing as I could have been accused of being pretty cold and lacking in empathy in the not so distant past (by myself mainly - lol). There were points where I felt close to tears when recounting a conversation that I had with someone who spoke of their struggles with their own autistic child or even emotions about someone on television getting emotional - it seems crazy to even type that.

In addition, I have also felt some interesting physical sensation with my meditations. Generally, I will meditate with slow deep breaths with a longer deeper out breath. I have really enjoyed this meditation for a long while and try to 'transmute' anything which comes up as a distraction during these sessions. Recently, I added 5 point breathing which I learned from Dr. Glenn Morris teachings which has been quite good. Granted, I spend most of this on the palms and feet with a lighter emphasis on the head as with too much emphasis, I can get a headache. I haven't spent loads of time on this. Most of my time in meditation is usually on feet or breath. I had an instance of feeling this deep column of energy a little wider than the spine coming up from my feet and upwards, but it wasn't a huge sort of feeling. I just felt that the energy was very dull and powerful. It was nice and happened once. I don't recall how far this went upwards. Since this time, my root chakra has been pretty active.

I have other things going on which I will likely post in a more long winded post, but probably needs more reflection on how to phrase it :-)

[Mystress]

 
  Hmmm...

  I keep suggesting you stop all other practices and you keep posting about your other practices.  These forced breathing pranayama meditations are not surrender and not compatible with FST. They are designed to awaken kundalini and not meant to be continued after. Those practices were very deliberately left out of FST because they are a form of resistance and cause problems.

  You will get a lot more value out of observing the breath than controlling it. Soul meditation.

[begeegs]

Thanks for the reply, Mystress.

Ok - I will stop with the 5 fold breathing. To be honest, I haven't really been doing it as much since my last post because of the headaches. It was more like 4 fold breathing :-)

[Mystress]

  This course is about letting go of ego, surrendering it. If you prefer to feed ego with control based practices then why are you here?

  Pranayama- any type of meditation that exercises control of the body by controlling the breathing is #1 on my top ten list of practices that cause kundalini psychosis, it is notorious for it.
  FST fire path plus pranayana? Hell, NO. Dangerous!

  Headaches are the first sign that you are triggering more energy than your body can handle. Your crown is closing and that is the body going into resistance, and it is resisting Kundalini that does damage to body and mind. Next up, triggering more karma than your mind can handle, Shakti takes a whack at some deeply cherished belief you are not ready to let go, and it comes up before you are ready because of your pushing too hard... and we get into logjam territory, mood swings then psychosis.

  I am deeply invested in my students staying sane, the whole of FST is designed with that goal in mind. On rare occasions in the past, I have removed someone rather than allow them to continue to use my art to harm themselves.  You seem to want to act like my advice is a joke. I assure you it is not.

[begeegs]

Mystress, I do not feel like I am treating your advice like a joke. I am not sure why you have that impression. It is quite the contrary. I don't want to go into massive detail on the forum, but only to say that I am quite committed to this course.

I thought that I had read on the forum that you used to be involved with Glenn Morris and his techniques some time ago, but I may have misread/misunderstood it. I assumed that this was ok, but you have said that it isn't, so I stopped.

I have gone back to observing the breath and concentrating on the feet as per the instruction with the Heart Chakra instruction.

You have mentioned 'controlled' breathing being ego-based. When I meditate, I do slow deep breaths - would this be considered ego-based as a result? I am not trying to be facetious with the question - it is a genuine question. I had an issue with losing consciousness (sleep) with normal breathing, so a long, long while ago, I changed it which helped as I no longer have the issue unless I am lying flat on my back and am quite tired.

Thanks for the response.

[begeegs]

I am now a bit worried about what I wrote earlier, so I wanted to clarify a bit more. I think that I may have read that on another forum and not this one (The Dao Bums). It was that forum that I found out about this course initially. I wasn't insinuating anything with my comment earlier.


Yes - I am aware that I am probably projecting alot with my worries (with apologies).

And with that, back to bed - hopefully.

[Gopi]

Hello Keith,
As you can see for yourself, Mystress does not like to give energy to fears.
There is wisdom in warnings about real dangers.
Sometimes people are drawn towards warnings and want to poke around maybe because humans are fundamentally curious creatures.
(Like Tina from Bob's Burgers - https://bit.ly/2ZhfNPb )
Fear can fixate us and worrying feeds doer-based ego.
We all know how serious climate change is. And there have been doomsday cults all throughout history.
We acknowledge and respect the life wisdom behind fear but never give in to fear else everything we do will be based on paranoia.

Before K awakens, it is acceptable and sometimes necessary to build external discipline and Chi energy - yoga, karate, martial arts, etc.
Once K awakens, the only imperative is surrender to Goddess.
Not saying you should stop doing exercises. But no forced breathing (pranayama).
Also, many systems like Reiki may be useful but are still based on duality (hence the necessity for symbols and rituals).
K is pure evolutionary life force.
We are the ones who need myths, beliefs, religions, and rituals in order to understand the cosmic intelligence using our tiny little brains.
Shakti Herself does not give a damn what you call Her - She who resides in All.

I will even challenge you on this. Where do you think Reiki and all the other systems come from?
She is All. She is the inspiration and source of All.
Why cling to human made systems when you have a chance to learn directly from Goddess?
If we are busy holding on to what we already know, then how will we experience and create new things that Goddess wills to express through us?

"You have mentioned 'controlled' breathing being ego-based. When I meditate, I do slow deep breaths - would this be considered ego-based as a result?"

Doing slow breaths is ok. Just don't push it. Trust your body. If you are forcing something, you will know. Your body will tell you. You do not have to control your breath to take slow deep breaths. If you simply observe how breath enters and exits you, then after a few seconds your breathing will automatically adjust to your body's pace.

In Hindu religion, there is a God called Krishna who plays the flute.
There is a belief that our human body is the flute and God breathes into His instrument to make lovely music
We often believe that we need to do something in order to achieve something - which is normally true.
In the course of our spiritual journey, we reach a point where the only thing that is blocking you is your own effort.
Those of us who grew up practicing disciplined rituals like martial arts may have a difficult time accepting 'don't do anything'.
We are used to doing and being in control of how things progress.
K is about receiving gracefully (hence empty your vessel through surrender) and being grateful for life (both good and bad).

Glad to hear that you are committed to your own sanity and well-being.
We want you to be happy and healthy as Goddess intended; hence the caution.
Happy holidays.

Namaste!
Gopi

[Gopi]

*Clarification:
When I said "Not saying you should stop doing exercises." what I meant was physical exercise. It is ok to do physical exercise to keep our body healthy and active.

[begeegs]

Thank you for your response Gopi (btw - a big LOL for that video). As you may have gathered, this course is quite a departure from other things that I have done in the past :-) With all of my other practices, they almost always are reliant upon ego from a ritualistic perspective to the forced breathing of the Tao. I was even indoctrinated a very long while ago into Reiki when I first cut my teeth. It has been a long journey to get to this point.

I have been enjoying the simplicity and non-bs teachings of Mystress here probably because it is a challenge to my psyche. There are so many different things which seem to make sense that I am not used to from the Heart Voice or as you say 'listening to the body'. These are new for me and quite challenging. I have had limited success to date.

Thankfully, with the slow deep breathing alongside the course, I haven't had adverse effects.

However, after reading your post, I would wonder - how would one know if Kundalini is active? Would it be pretty obvious? I read accounts here of something more subtle which I think is the goal here. Also, the involuntary version which is something more dramatic. For the record, I don't believe that my K is active yet although I have had snippets of activity.

Have a great holiday season with your family! All the best for the New Year!

[Gopi]

"These are new for me and quite challenging. I have had limited success to date."

May be because you are not allowing yourself to?
If you are already full of expectations and externally acquired beliefs about what your journey has to be, then you are missing out on what is available for you in the present.
I empathize with you that sometimes it is not easy to give-up what has been second-nature so far. Be patient with yourself.
You have been led here by your own higher guidance.
So trust that whatever is meant to happen for you will happen at a pace that Goddess wills.
We are what we repeatedly do.

Ground. Surrender. Gratitude.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

"how would one know if Kundalini is active?"

Please see FAQ answered by Mystress about K awakening - http://fire-serpent.com/fstfaq.html#fst5

[Mystress]

begeegs wrote:
Mystress, I do not feel like I am treating your advice like a joke. I am not sure why you have that impression.

   When I tell you stop other practices and you tell me you are using new other practices, and still continuing with the previous.  Yes I am talking about the deep breathing meditations. You are controlling the breath for those.

  I understand why it would seem ok to continue from Gopi's perspective, he is on a different path. He was born into a Goddess worship culture, he did not have the long road back that you are facing. Rather, trying to understand how men can become so isolated from the Goddess is part of his current quest.  You went so far one way and now need to stop all of it, to find the road back.

  The rest of his responses are excellent, he has a lot of insight to offer you. (Good work, Gopi!)

  I will tell you how much breath control work is in FST.
  Take a deep breath after surrendering something.
  That's it, and it is something the body does naturally when there is a release. Like, coming home after work, slipping off your shoes and settling into the comfy chair, deep breath and sigh of release as the body lets go the stresses of the day, is a natural thing.

  There is a lesson, grounding in one breath, it actually takes two breaths and it is is more about the visualization.

  The only real worthwhile type of pranayama is when Goddess controls it, and you experience that awesomeness by persistently observing the breath. You feel Her presence too, when She is breathing you.


I am quite committed to this course.

  I feel that you are, and sorry to dump coal in your stocking. More than that, I think you need FST... not something I would usually say.

  I know I have said it before: Chi fed guys, who have done a lot of free will based magic or martial arts have the hardest time of it when k awakens because being the doer is such an ingrained habit, it takes them away from being able to connect with the Goddess. It can get extreme.

   This week I had some chi fed guy mansplaining to me how yin energy (the Goddess)  does not really exist and the universe is entirely yang. Seriously mansplaining, he opened with a comment that he thought I might be perceptive enough to understand him. Chi fed egos can grow THAT big... To connect with the Goddess you have to set ego aside, and they cannot, they think their ego is the universe.  Free Will is Goddess law, so his belief She does not exist will be validated by his own reflection and he won't ever know what he is missing.

  He is evidence that it is possible to go so far down the free will path that it becomes impossible to turn back.  You are not that far, but I understand the struggle you face... better than you do.  A lot of this is 180 degrees from what you learned before.  Like you went down a road, then turned back and you are seeing the other side of everything you saw before. It is also like... you do not make much progress toward surrender goals until you have retraced your steps. All that must be un-learned.   


I thought that I had read on the forum that you used to be involved with Glenn Morris and his techniques some time ago, but I may have misread/misunderstood it. I assumed that this was ok, but you have said that it isn't, so I stopped.

  oooooookayyyyyyy yeah, that would be a wrong idea. Glad you explained it so I can clarify for you. Had to take a little time out in writing because my thoughts about Glenn and Susan kept turning into a bit of a rant in my mind and I prefer not to speak ill of the dead.

   There was a widely accepted idea going around in the late 90s, "It is not really kundalini awakening unless you went insane for a while."  My discernment did not like it, Goddess has no need to do that to people. It felt like somebody's lame excuse for their failure to guide people past the pitfalls. That was part motivation for writing FST, because people deserved better than someone riding roughshod over their sanity and blaming Kundalini when they break, or taking a student's breakdown as validation of their shaktipat power.   

  In 2005 I was a guest teacher for two of Glenn and Susan's kundalini intensive weekends, and I sat in on a couple of his classes but kept falling asleep just like university. I sat in on part of Susan's classes then took to patrolling the outside of the building to take care of the casualties that were fleeing the room to go cry, barf in the bushes or rage. She was doing advanced practices to novices to make herself look powerful and providing no aftercare whatsoever when they broke. "It is not really kundalini awakening unless you went insane for a while." taken to its worst conclusion, triggering breakdowns to prove kundalini so she could be the big shaktimama. That was the reason I kicked her out of my tribe and washed my hands of her.

  Glenn was a martial artist, he was pretty open about his tech coming from an ancient Chinese book he had translated.  The old Chinese stuff is all patriarchal, controlling and frequently quite misogynistic. Chinese take on things always seems to go that way, like they took the gentle tenets of zen and wrote "the Art of War." Glenn was not sexist, not a mystic either. He often used the wrong terms for things mystical and really didn't care. When I taught a class after him I had to first straighten out the terminology.

  What Glenn called the Void, is actually the Astral. When I asked him about the non-dual void, he said "yeah been there, white light, nobody home." That is not the Void either, it is the Godhead dimension. For a chi path, attaining the Godhead is pinnacle, they experience being God and think there is no where else to go... but for a surrender based path of ascension, the Godhead is only a waystation, non essential. I could write a visualization that would take you there, just a I will take you to the starry Void in a later lesson but I find no benefit to it. He said he was a Kali worshipper but seemed to have no knowledge of the Starry Void, Goddess womb.  When you attain it yourself, in one of the last lessons you will have surpassed his knowledge.     

  Both of them, so sure that going insane was part of the kundalini process that they made little effort to protect their seekers sanity. Ego.
  Not on my watch!  People deserve a better quality of care. 

I had an issue with losing consciousness (sleep) with normal breathing, so a long, long while ago, I changed it which helped as I no longer have the issue unless I am lying flat on my back and am quite tired.

  If your body wants to sleep, let it sleep. Dreams give insights, kundalini can be quite active in sleep, when your conscious mind and ego are out of the way. Powernaps and reset button naps are very helpful for awakening.
  On the way to sleep you pass through the hypnotic state and again on waking, so if you are wondering about something as you are drifting off, you will likely wake with insights.  Same for prayers, problem solving, requests for aid. Stop fighting the sleep your body wants and flow with it, use napping it as a source of balance and insights.

  Bet you expected me to respond with some advice how to stay awake... That would be control, I teach surrender and flow.

  No, not planning to boot you, just felt at a loss trying to get you to understand what you were doing, is dangerous. Glad you have stopped.

  Merry xmas, if you celebrate it. I mostly don't but that does not stop me wishing others well. I know it is very important for many people.

[Gopi]

"trying to understand how men can become so isolated from the Goddess is part of his current quest."

Hmm... I never thought of it like that but after reading your words, it feels apt. Thank you Mystress.

"Goddess has no need to do that to people. It felt like somebody's lame excuse for their failure to guide people past the pitfalls. That was part motivation for writing FST, because people deserved better than someone riding roughshod over their sanity and blaming Kundalini when they break, or taking a student's breakdown as validation of their shaktipat power. "

Again... thank you Mystress.

I would like to add this in agreement to your point.
I have noticed that teachers sometimes also pass along their own fears and insecurities along with their experiences if they are not fully ascended.
There are a lots of gurus who have made a whole business model out of granting shaktipat to anyone and everyone.
I wonder how many of them really understand the karma feedback they are signing up for.
A lot of people who seek out teachers are genuinely searching for help to make sense of their lives.
It makes me angry to see that trust betrayed and handled carelessly by so called gurus.
A part of the marketing strategy that is very appealing esp. to male ego is 'hardcore' spirituality.
A very masochistic and twisted perspective on life - the more you suffer, the better.

I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a self-help guru who pushes people to do uncomfortable things.
Three people died in a sweat lodge and he was arrested.
After his release, he rationalizes to himself and others that those three deaths were a part of a lesson for him.
That kind of arrogance makes me sick to my stomach.
I have seen Indian gurus do similar things - blame people who go into K psychosis as not spiritually evolved.
Yoga gurus who turn up the heat and make meditation almost a competitive spectatorship sport.

I am grateful that I found FST.
I am happy that I continued to do my lessons despite setbacks and challenges.
And I feel very lucky to have a teacher like Mystress and a loving community of wonderful seekers from all over the world.

[begeegs]

Thanks for the responses Mystress and Gopi! Hope that you had a good New Year. Unfortunately, for me, I was in bed by half 10 - lol. Staying up to see the same fireworks display doesn't hold any allure for me anymore, I'm afraid.

BTW - Gopi - what was the Netflix documentary? That sounds interesting :-)

I have shifted to normal breathing over the past week and things were good :-) I was in Spain with the in-laws over the past 10 days or so. I have had some troubles with the heartvoice which I referred to as the limited success, but one night just before I had grounded before a meditation, I had some Spanish language asking me if I understood, etc. which was fragmented and odd. I was staying in a old home in the countryside. I more or less let it go and had a good meditation afterwards. I did have some instances of what I would think was the heartvoice, but not in a meditational sense. It was more with comments on things before they occured. For instance, I was reading the Witness State lesson and there was a comment which was pertinent to the lesson which was interesting.

When practicing the Witness State, I found something which really helped me. Even my wife remarked on it when I let emotion go though me while witnessing everything. She was expecting a different reaction to events from me which was quite funny. I found that some of the old triggers are having less and less of a hold. Hopefully I can continue to build on this.

[Mystress]

Begeegs : I did have some instances of what I would think was the heart voice, but not in a meditational sense. It was more with comments on things before they occurred. For instance, I was reading the Witness State lesson and there was a comment which was pertinent to the lesson which was interesting.

  Yup yup yup! Mine used to do that when I was a kid, especially commenting on spiritual books. I read a few books by Lobsang Rampa, he was not a real Tibetan lama but I did not know that then... but the heart made it clear some of what I was reading was not true, like drilling a hole on your forehead to open the third eye.

  No, you do not have to be in a trance to hear the heart voice, that would be of limited use. It helps to be grounded.  I am curious what it said about the Witness state lesson? Ultimate feedback, really, lol.

  The Spanish voice was likely a ghost or imprinted impression from the past... though for some an experience like that is the opening of telepathic abilities. 

[begeegs]

Hi Mystress

I believe that the word was 'disassociation' that came up. I was pleased with this as the word didn't originate from my own thoughts, so I thought that it was heart voice related.

The Spanish voice was odd. There are times when I have done a lot of something in repetition and upon falling asleep (like driving a car, working, etc), I have hypnagogic imagery/phrasing which is related to what I was doing. As I can really only speak Spanish with the equivalency of a 5 year old, it could have been related to hypnagogia (I had to interact with family with my limited vocabulary). One of the phrases was 'entiendes' (aka - do you understand?) which caught me a bit cold as I hadn't ever heard another language from the unconscious before.

[begeegs]

This week has been good with meditations with normal breathing. At times, it felt like there was more energy which was swelling and hinted at something more powerful which was enjoyable. I have continued with transmutation (or so I think) of distractions or items which I would think probably were evolutions of thought which has built up over time (ie - fantasies of grandeur). I do seem to have a ceiling with the meditations and hypnagogia, but it seems that it kicks in after about 40 minutes and if I hadn't had enough sleep the night prior. One episode was an image of a dog who went running through the water. I believe that I told the dog to shake the water off only to emerge from the hypnagogia with myself having assumed the role of the dog and shaking in the physical which was amusing.

I felt that the lesson resonated on many fronts (rushing things). In the past, I have been trying to force through things with the chi-related/deep-breathing exercises whereas recently, I haven't done so. I thought that I needed the deep breathing exercises to avoid sleep issues, but upon reflection, it doesn't appear that is the case. I just need to sleep properly as my last couple of weeks in Spain told me. I was able to meditate late in the evening without issues when I had proper sleep.

[Mystress]

I believe that the word was 'disassociation' that came up.

 Yeah Witness is that. Out of body, above ego. Temporarily disassociated from both. Some folks do get stuck there accidentally (not from my practice but others, or trauma) and mistake the lack of emotion for depression. Getting stuck out of body is clinical detachment.

 I do think the Spanish voice was a ghost trying to reach you. All psychic info comes through the unconscious. Some pretty impressive clairaudience ya got.  

I do seem to have a ceiling with the meditations and hypnagogia, but it seems that it kicks in after about 40 minutes and if I hadn't had enough sleep the night prior.

 Sounds protective, like a breaker switch. Apply gratitude.

 In the symbolic language of the unconscious mind, water represents spiritual energy and dog represents body instinct.
 
 Sometimes when I play a computer game a lot before bedtime, especially if it is a timed game that requires more concentration, the game keeps happening behind my eye lids after I have gone to bed. Imagine closing your eyes and seeing Tetris blocks falling...  The effect is quite common I think, gamer friends have mentioned it.  

In the past, I have been trying to force through things

... and that approach just does not work with Kundalini. We can set up circumstances for things to happen, like grounding or observing the breath, but we cannot force the Goddess.  We persist in the practice, things happen but we cannot force that. Yin: passive, receptive, allowing.

 Sometimes the biggest stumbling block can be, trying too hard instead of allowing.  Yoda said "there is no try" but here there is no "do" either. We do not "use the Force." Jedi are chi fed.

 I read a story, I think it was in "Autobiography of a Yogi" about a female yogi in India who always walked around naked. She went to a temple to join one of those spiritual debates eastern Gurus like to have, but the men went whaaa whaaa sexist noises. She responded, "We are all female (receptive) to the Goddess" and it shut them up, inarguable.

[begeegs]

This week has been a good week as far as Shakti goes. I found myself doing silly things in the past where I would do a new lesson and then meditate immediately afterwards which this week, I had a thought of how ridiculous that actually was. I can't control when Goddess grants the Shakti comes. I suppose that I can negotiate, but perhaps I am not advanced enough to actually do this yet.

The day after the initial reading of the Grounding in One Breath lesson, I had a big blast of Shakti, presumably from the lesson. It came on when I was at work, but also at a time when I had to work late and everyone had left or was in the process of leaving. I decided to meditate at that point as to listen to the body and I was lucky enough that this came at an opportune time to do so. Perhaps I am recycling that initial blast from the lesson or Goddess has decided that I can handle more (or both), but it seemed significantly more than I recall. Since that day (Thursday), I have seen more of an effect from grounding which has been nice.

Last night, I woke up to a sound which seemed loud, but I do know that this could have originated from the unconscious. I saw a shadow leaving our bedroom, so I assumed that my wife was checking on my son. However, I didn't hear anything else, nor did my wife return, so I moved my hand to find her in bed. Wow - that was odd. lol!

[begeegs]

I can't remember where I read this, but I seem to remember reading that when you get heat from Shakti, that it is Shakti burning up blockages or coming up upon them. It seems like that is where I am at this week. I felt a lot of heart burn this week (even now) despite not eating/drinking anything which may cause this prior. It seemed like that was where a lot of the energy was focussed and I didn't have the massive influx of energy that I experienced last week.

I have started to notice things before they happen. It is a sort of knowing. This has increased recently. One came from a word that popped into my head about 30 seconds to 1 minute before it happened in a film. I was watching 'The Irishman' on Netflix and a word popped into my head which had me confused for nearly 1 minute or so before it happened in the film which was amusing.

[begeegs]

I have had a couple of excellent meditations along with some realizations which seem to have helped alot. I was laying in bed last night thinking about some imagery from the unconscious when I meditated on Monday. I saw some really black reflective rock. It seemed to be everywhere and then there was a figure in black with a completely white face. I wasn't scared, but it was slightly uncomfortable, so I came out of it. When I resumed back, I thought that it was silly to be weirded out by the unconscious, so I went back and saw the same figure, but with a smaller figure walking alongside the larger one. I then saw a sort of carnival atmostphere which was on the left side of my vision and the figures approaching the carnival on the right. When these figures walked towards a part of the carnival, the carnival disappeared. I came out of it as I was concerned that I would get too involved into the image and could fall asleep.

I lay awake thinking about this and realized that this was likely the stillness in the meditation and carnival being the monkey mind. Also, I should have gone with the imagery and not be alarmed or try to interact as this usually brings me out of a trance. I always wondered how Jung did it in the Red Book.

Today, I simply let go and didn't worry about imagery (none came) and this did allow me to go deeper which I was very happy with. I am doing the conscious saying aloud what is listed in 'The Diving Beloved', but haven't really had any results just yet. I am sure that they will come with more time.

[begeegs]

This has been an interesting week. I started 'Reversed Gender' lesson on Wednesday and that evening, I was hit by a powerful Shakti blast. It was more than a few weeks prior and lasted for about 3 hours. I am thinking that the energy from the lessons (or perhaps something else) gets stronger as my body can tolerate more Shakti? This time the energy sensation seems to be moving upwards, so I felt it in my head as well. This has migrated over the weeks since the beginning of the lessons, so I am thinking that it is cleaning up a path. I also felt an interesting sort of heart sensation and have been having them a lot this week. These aren't painful, but at times can feel like the heart is pounding out of the chest. I also have felt more of a warmth when saying things in the previous lesson either out loud or internal, so this is bearing fruit.

I have also had a series of dreams which are related to kundalini. Last night seemed to be the strangest. It showed that there was a plant (looking like a cross between cannabis and wheat) which brought about kundalini. It grew in the most barren of places, but once it started to grow, it didn't stop. I saw someones back garden which looked like hard arid ground had this plant growing in a few places. I then had a Christian book which showed Christ holding this plant and when I looked at the cover, I got hit with a massive wave of energy which made me spin in circles quickly. Being raised Roman Catholic means that this sort of symbology exists in me in the personal unconscious strongly. I was put off by it in the dream, but decided to look at the book anyway. Perhaps this was an acceptance of what I wrote earlier - that Christian symbology is steeped in me in this lifetime.

The other dream was an initiation of sorts where I had to light a parchment which at first didn't stay lit, but then it did, but it was a slow burn. I then had to sign a paper that I took the initiation and draw a geometrical shape which I struggled with. It was an 11 sided circle or a Hendecagon. The person in the dream told me the name, but I didn't know what it was nor did I remember from the dream. I just remember that it was 11 sides, so I looked it up when I woke up.

Both dreams seem to point to processes which are bearing gradual amounts of fruit. This seems to correspond with what I am experiencing in the physical as well.

Either way, in the physical or non-physical, I feel that I have made a lot of progress on this course which I didn't in my other courses or groups.

[begeegs]

I haven't posted here in a while as I have been writing in my own journal. It has an interesting couple of weeks. I had a Tummo session with Mystress which was very excellent. I had some interesting dreams and kundalini sensation afterwards up the back and lots of vibrations. What was interesting was that I hadn't any idea that I was already Kundalini active. I hadn't a clue and just thought that vibrations and the like were just a by-product of meditation (which it is as well, I guess). It also made me realize that I have probably been active since childhood as I remember sensations which seemed dreamlike when I was really young (maybe 7 or . In particular, I recall a sort of being who used to smile at me (can't remember the details), but also not smile at the same time. It was also in a really white background. It is hard to explain, but I also associated it with an intense deep vibration. I had this experience with meditation in Singapore about 10 years ago during meditation (I was very jetlagged and couldn't sleep, so I thought that I may as well meditate) which was really pleasant and I remembered my childhood experiences. I wouldn't say that it was anything like some accounts that I have read, but probably linked to Kundalini.

I also decided to slow down on lessons because I think that I haven't had massive success on the Heart Voice and now am in a lesson 'Body Talk' which talks of the heart voice and also the solar plexus area. I need to develop this more, so until I can, I will hold fire on other lessons. I think that this was the lesson that Mystress was talking to me about during our session. I thought that I had already taken it, but I may have mistook this for the Heart Voice lesson.

Finally, I learned a bit about sexual energy. I knew that there was a link, but I didn't really understand it because there is a lot of conflicting information about holding sexual energy or transmuting (if that is possible as I would have thought that this is control related). I have noticed that if I have sex that the kundalini experiences and meditations suffer accordingly. I find myself getting sleepy during meditation sessions and a lack of energetic sensation. A few days later, this seems to come back again - despite a lack of sleep, my meditations are more sound, I have more energy and there are more energetic sensations. The coincidence as I started to review some of the first videos as per the instructions on the 'Body Talk' lesson and there was a passage almost immediately about the sexual energy going up the spine rather than going outward towards procreation or a normal orgasm which seemed to underline my experience over the past couple of weeks.

Anyway - hopefully onwards and upwards :-)

[begeegs]

I have FST on pause still as I continue to go through the Body Talk lesson and review the other lessons. I have to say that I am not doing great with it.  If I ground and prompt for signs for yes or no, I am not really getting noticable signals most of the time. Occasionally I do, but this seems to be the exception. I will keep going with the pause as I understand that it is an important lesson and want to get it with at least some consistency.

On a positive note, there are instances of more words coming in like a broken transistor radio and they are usually pertinent to whatever I am asking. As it is a phrase or a word or two, it is hard to discern the meaning sometimes. The grounding does seem better as well. I am also understanding that with visualizations that there is a period in which you can let go to a degree which can be interesting. Usually when I am doing grounding, I have some core visualizations to do, but sometimes they change. I was resisting this to get back to the visualization, but I am learning to stop and see whatever it actually means.