Hello

[Sean]

Hello,

What's everyone up to? I'm still laying low. A lot of things have happened. But I'll talk about it later when I can.

I told the sensitive person board about this. Maybe they will stop complaining about there lives and get in here and do something about it.

I practice everything all day. The important things. I should make a card out of these things...

Mindfullness, no lost thoughts. Positive.
Staying in yourself.
Stay in the pillar(grounding)
Be in my Heart.
Letting everything just be.
Everyone owns themselves, I own me, I can do what I want with it.
Clearing every day.

Its great, I feel better around people. Better about myself. I'm not giving myself away anymore. I recognise when I do and can get back to me really quick by seeing what I dont have going on from the list. Mostly I pop back into my heart. Its fantastic. Whew..

OH! I have a question. How do you keep in yourself when writing a letter to someone?  Is it the same stuff with more practice? I tend to go right out if I'm writing to someone and thinking about them. This used to bug me because I never knew what was happening before.

Once again, thank you Mystress for everything. I dont know if I say this enough...

Has anyone done anything nice/new/cool with there energy lately?
Being open makes things work a lot better for me. Just clearing is pretty fun to do now. I ask to be cleared and woooosh! I start wiggleing around and feeling better.

Ok, later...

Sean

[Leslee]

:  Has anyone done anything nice/new/cool with there energy lately?

I've been laying low, too. Emotionally going up and down like a yoyo, watching emotions and feelings, as unattached as I can. All my aches and pains resurfaced last week when I decided to try to make it in the music business again. I got the chills up the spine, tingly heart chakra, the whole nine yards when I first "decided" to make another go of it. Then, the next day, my energy was zero, I could hardly walk, and I wasn't able to shit for four days.

Well, I had to let go of that bad boy (drumming). Apparently drumming is just a small part of who I am, though I don't know myself beyond it. My Self said, Let go of this, totally. So I did and immediately shit and I haven't drummed since.

This life is so damn strange. Just when I think I have a handle on it, I'm more lost than before. But the lessons are coming quickly, gratefully.

Now I'm working on clearing chakras and energy work, got a couple of books on the subject. Trying to work through these aches and pains and trying to rid hubby of a cold.

I've been seeing prana swiggles even at night now, so I guess that's different. All of the visual coolness has died down.

I'm not used to bland, but I'm trying to make the best of it. I sure am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

Peace...

Leslee

[Mystress]

:  OH! I have a question. How do you keep in yourself when writing a letter to someone?  Is it the same stuff with more practice? I tend to go right out if I'm writing to someone and thinking about them. This used to bug me because I never knew what was happening before.

Heh.. if you find a way, let me know... LOL!! Try writing from the Witness state... your posts might be pretty dry, but you will get great insights. Or, just clear yourself afterwards. Thats what I do.

 Really, Sean, we are here to be with each other. The stuff you are practicing is not meant to shut out the world altogether. Empathy is intimacy. Beautiful.

 Be mindful to choose what company you keep. If someone feels really awful to you, you usually can choose not to give them your attention. Rather than tossing a lot of people out of your life, though, take a good look within to find out why they bug you so much. The annoying people will show you where your karma is!

:
:  Once again, thank you Mystress for everything. I dont know if I say this enough...

Always nice to hear it. Remember that you are loved.

   Blessings!
:

[Mystress]

: :  Has anyone done anything nice/new/cool with there energy lately?

: I've been laying low, too. Emotionally going up and down like a yoyo, watching emotions and feelings, as unattached as I can. All my aches and pains resurfaced last week when I decided to try to make it in the music business again. I got the chills up the spine, tingly heart chakra, the whole nine yards when I first "decided" to make another go of it. Then, the next day, my energy was zero, I could hardly walk, and I wasn't able to shit for four days.

: Well, I had to let go of that bad boy (drumming). Apparently drumming is just a small part of who I am, though I don't know myself beyond it. My Self said, Let go of this, totally. So I did and immediately shit and I haven't drummed since.

LOL!! Holy cow, Leslee, at least the message came through loud and clear! You can drum for your own pleasure, I think.

You have made me curious though... you are always talking about how famous you were, and all... and I have never heard of you. What bands did you play for? You don't have to answer if you prefer to stay anonymous.  

: Now I'm working on clearing chakras and energy work, got a couple of books on the subject. Trying to work through these aches and pains and trying to rid hubby of a cold.

Hmm... does that mean feeding him chicken soup or doing energy work on him?

Like Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no 'try'." If Goddess wants him healed, then it will be so, effortless. If it is Leslee's "good intentions" then it can be very trying.

 A cold is usually a message from the body that it wants to rest. If his body wants to rest and you want him to get better and get back to work, who do you think will win?

: I've been seeing prana swiggles even at night now, so I guess that's different. All of the visual coolness has died down.

: I'm not used to bland, but I'm trying to make the best of it. I sure am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

: Peace...
Please explain, what is the difference between "bland" and "peace"?
   Blessings...

: Leslee

[Leslee]

It's very nice to hear from you, Mystress.

: LOL!! Holy cow, Leslee, at least the message came through loud and clear! You can drum for your own pleasure, I think.

Yes, I know, and I will drum when it hits me again. Last week's experience left a bad taste in my mouth, though I'm grateful that my body is telling me things. I guess the key is to feel good about some possible future for some period of time rather than one day of heavenly imaginings and tinglings. The lessons go on and on...

: You have made me curious though... you are always talking about how famous you were, and all... and I have never heard of you. What bands did you play for? You don't have to answer if you prefer to stay anonymous.  

It makes me sad that you ask this, but I'm sure you know that... Comes off like, So... if you're so great and stuff, why haven't I heard of ya? Probably more of me than you, a reflection of my shattered ego. So, I think, I've been needing to hold on to something that made me feel like I mattered and belonged, something I haven't felt in a long time... I'm like an old codger telling the grandkids about the glory days... Kind of pathetic and sad, really.

Not that it matters, but my stage name was Leslee Kaye, not Klinsky. Sandy Kaye, from the band Vixen, used to follow me around, changed her name to Kaye and her style to mine. When I was with a band called Bitch, we had the number one album in Mexico (mid 80s). We played 5000-8000 seat arenas as headliners around the states, pretty well known here. We did the yearly World Peace Festivals and Summerfests and such... Only made it to Toronto up in your neck of the woods. We disappeared quickly after breakup.

I clocked over 3000 hours in studio time doing commercials, anonymous album stuff, and demos on my off time.

Freeze is a band of mine that did quite a bit of touring up in Canada, mostly large bars, a few backup things for bands like Van Halen, REO, Beach Boys, Head East, etc. We had the number one album in Bulgaria and were set to tour Europe when I left.

When I was in the band Tough Love, we cut three albums and were showcased on MTV for a while; we did a bunch of TV shows and tons of radio interviews. The last thing I did with them was an album that never got released, with Robin Zander (Cheap Trick) and Phil Bonano (REO, Survivor, etc.) producing. I quit as we were signing a big deal with IRS because the greed and egos got nasty.

I wrote a song in 85 called "Fade Away." Pat Benatar and Cindi Lauper both wanted to do it, but after the greedy lawyers and a person who scribed the notation attempted to get their hands in the pie, I left the business.

So, I guess you can say I was only famous some places, for some time, but the places that knew me, loved me. It's over... And it's sad.

: Hmm... does that mean feeding him chicken soup or doing energy work on him?

I was feeding him energy with the notion of, As Goddess wills. I told him that his body wanted him to slow down, and I was clueless whether I could help him. His cold went away in a day, but I cannot reasonably take credit.

: Like Yoda says, "Do or do not. There is no 'try'." If Goddess wants him healed, then it will be so, effortless. If it is Leslee's "good intentions" then it can be very trying.

It didn't try me to want to help him. I knew that the outcome could go either way because I'm not even sure of what this is. I try by putting good intentions and energy in, and the Universe does what it wants. Now if I knew what I was doing, maybe then I'd Do.

:   A cold is usually a message from the body that it wants to rest. If his body wants to rest and you want him to get better and get back to work, who do you think will win?

I know this to be true and, as I said above, even stated this to him. Even if the energy doesn't heal him, it makes him feel good and unstuffs his sinuses some. And it makes me feel good to send love in any way I can.

: : I'm not used to bland, but I'm trying to make the best of it. I sure am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

: : Peace...
: Please explain, what is the difference between "bland" and "peace"?

Peace, to me, is feeling quietly blissful, not needing to be or do anything, feeling perfection in what is and is not. Bland, to me, is many things... It is feeling like I am absolutely nothing, with an underlying tug that I "should" be being or doing something else. Bland is the feeling that comes up when a future doesn't want to manifest and I'm left to stew in my nothingness, without a path or a job. Bland is when I don't feel growth occuring. I'll bet you're sorry you asked!

Thanks for being there.

Love...

[No Name]

:  I told the sensitive person board about this.

the SPB?? any who..
Congradulations, on your tea board sucsess,
you must have the right stuff, Tact, Charm and Grace
maybe i can learn from you

:  I practice everything all day. The important things. I should make a card out of these things...

:  Mindfullness, no lost thoughts. Positive.
:  Staying in yourself.
:  Stay in the pillar(grounding)
:  Be in my Heart.
:  Letting everything just be.
:  Everyone owns themselves, I own me, I can do what I want with it.
:  Clearing every day.

Thanks for this list, i plan write it down
on a card too

Best Wishes

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

:
:   Really, Sean, we are here to be with each other.....
..... The annoying people will show you where your karma is!

Ok, I'll keep all of this with me. Part of the plan. I'm just so happy that I can be me when I'm around other people right now. And I get better at it every day. Some things happened recently that opened me up to people more too so its all moving along. I'll work on the annoying people later though, although they have become less annoying of late

: Always nice to hear it. Remember that you are loved.

Thank you thank you..

Sean

[Mystress]

The lessons go on and on...

Yup, they do!! We are like trees, when we stop growing we start dying.

: : You have made me curious though... you are always talking about how famous you were, and all... and I have never heard of you. What bands did you play for? You don't have to answer if you prefer to stay anonymous.

: It makes me sad that you ask this, but I'm sure you know that... Comes off like, So... if you're so great and stuff, why haven't I heard of ya? Probably more of me than you, a reflection of my shattered ego.

Yup.

 Hmm... how to put this nicely... how to walk on eggshells without breaking any. Impossible task. Why do I feel a need to walk on eggshells with you? Ah, That is the deeper question. Perhaps it is because you like to take offense at things?

No, I did not know it would make you sad. It appeared to me that you were throwing big fat hints that you were wanting someone to invite you to talk about it.

 Remember we talked about a pattern you have, of setting up situations so you can feel like a victim? Your reaction makes me feel set up. You keep talking about your career, without being at all specific. Sooner or later somebody was going to nibble at the bait you set up, and ask... if you did not want people to ask, then you would not talk about it the way you do. OK?

I'm not offended, I know you are doing the best you can, and you are doing great! It is my job to reflect this pattern back to you so you can see it.  

 I have also been meaning to tell you... Goddess wants me to tell you this, as a way of giving you your power back.

Remember that first post to K-list where you were asking me about my rates? Well, I smelled that set-up a mile away, and Goddess told me your game plan and how to disrupt it. Yes, I was subtly accusing you by inference but not in words you could actually point to, and I was playing passive aggressive victim... and very well, too! LOL!! I deserve an academy award...

 Being a domina for so many years gave me a very complete education about power games people play, and how to disrupt them. Goddess sent me to be a Pro-dom partly to give me that education and experience. Goddess sent you to me, because I am wise to the tricks you play on yourself.

  Victim is not my favorite role, actually a role I really dislike, but I am slave to Goddess... and sometimes I am directed to use victimhood and blame to reflect back karma that has been projected into me. Actually, I have found that a pose of victimhood and blame is the *only* way to disrupt that kind of passive aggressive pattern...

 Tricky, don't try this at home, kids! It can be a little like putting out an oil well fire with dynamite. Be supicious of your victimhood, it is an ego illusion.

I have met a lot of people who are the type I call "professional victims" because as a Pro-Dom I was a professional "bad guy", and tended to attract people who assumed that my work gave them consent to make me be *their* bad guy, and it mattered not at all that I had done nothing. Actually, the nastiest ones were the ones who would flip out at my not abusing them like they wanted.

Anyhow...

 I did not write the script for that roleplay.  You did, and disrupting the script so that you could see your pattern, involved pulling a switch on you. Placing myself in the victim role you were trying to set up for yourself, and thus forcing you to assume the "abuser" role you were trying to project onto me ... so that you could recognise the passive aggression of your "righteous victim" pattern.

  You called me on it, during the roleplay but I had to deny it because the game was not yet done. It had not yet fulfilled its purpose of getting you to recognise and face up to your pattern.

So, yes, I lied, and I didn't... the words were not true to my feelings, but they were true for the role I was playing. The reflection was truth. You were lying to yourself, and you did not know it then, but you know it now.    

BTW: Your comment about your shattered ego is pure melodrama. If your ego were really shattered, then being famous would not be important to you... It is no surprise to me that Goddess does not want you seeking fame at this time. It is an ego attachment to be surrendered.

Back when I was studying acting, another student observed that anyone who needs to be a famous movie star has a pretty big need for approval.

Now, here is the really funny irony... I lost all interest in being an actress years ago, stopped caring about seeing my face on a big screen... so what is Goddess giving me for my B-day on Sat.? My face on the big screen... ROTFLOL!! I did an interview for a BDSM documentary last summer, the preview will be in a movie theatre on Sat. Actually, I am not sure I will like what I see... the director went for this gritty documentary look, camera angles and harsh lighting that made everybody look like crap, from what I could see from the rushes. Oh well!

: So, I think, I've been needing to hold on to something that made me feel like I mattered and belonged, something I haven't felt in a long time...

Why? Is it not frustrating, to be holding out your begging cup for approval? So long as you need to get fed by approval from other people, whether it is 5000 screaming fans or me, or anybody, then you are placing yourself in a very vulnerable position, and will experience disappointment and frustration repeatedly. What are you getting from that experience, to keep continuing the pattern?

Do you enjoy that experience? I think not, although you must get something out of it, or you would not do it. So... fill your own heart cup, till it runneth over. That is the only source of love and approval you can really depend on, and likely Goddess will make sure that your efforts to get your cup filled by other people will always fail, till you surrender to that.

No, it is not an easy thing to do, nobody told you growing would be easy... but the attainment will certainly feel a lot better than what you are getting, now.  

: I'm like an old codger telling the grandkids about the glory days...

Yeah! Like the Bruce Spingsteen song... but, is that who you want to be?

Remember in my healing essay about karma, I mention that longing for the "glory days" can be just as big a stuck place as the bad memories. I think, when Goddess asked you to surrender the music biz it totally, it was this She had in mind, as much as future plans. A lot of your life energy is stuck in the past, in this way.

: Not that it matters, but my stage name was Leslee Kaye, not Klinsky.

Really Leslee, how would you expect anyone to recognise you when you do not even use the same name? Why do you set yourself up like this?

: So, I guess you can say I was only famous some places, for some time, but the places that knew me, loved me. It's over... And it's sad.

Thank you for answering my question. Why is it sad? Previously, you spoke of the music biz as populated by greedy parasitic leeches. Was that just sour grapes?
 Do you think that your fans really loved you, for yourself? They loved you for what you do, not for who you are. So long as you were willing to play the role they wanted, they gave you approval... you were being a good slave for them. Yet, by your own admission, you were giving yourself away, over and over and ended up feeling ripped off and victimized. Have you ever asked yourself why you did not insist on being paid what you are worth? Or was it that you felt worthless, inside, so you *did* feel you were getting paid what you were worth? Of course, money was not the only reward for your drumming... but it is the reward you were not getting that finally broke your patience.

You spoke previously of being so happy to make music that the money did not matter... a grand purist artistic pose, but not true, I think. It did matter. It mattered so much that you left the biz because of it.  

: : Hmm... does that mean feeding him chicken soup or doing energy work on him?

: I was feeding him energy with the notion of, As Goddess wills.

Did Goddess tell you to heal him? No, She did not... so why did you? Be honest with yourself about this. If you are trying to use healing as a way to get your ego-approval needs met, I will tell you that is a slippery slope.

I also wonder why you want me to be your teacher, if you do not follow my instructions? I was pretty darn clear that you are not to do healing, or TRY to do healing unless Goddess spells it out loud and clear that it is what She wants.

I really wish I could wave my magic want and give you self esteem and confidence... but it does not work like that. It has to come from within.

: It didn't try me to want to help him.

Uh, you missed the point of my pun. Never mind...

:I knew that the outcome could go either way because I'm not even sure of what this is. I try by putting good intentions and energy in,

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

: I know this to be true and, as I said above, even stated this to him. Even if the energy doesn't heal him, it makes him feel good and unstuffs his sinuses some. And it makes me feel good to send love in any way I can.

Love yourself!! You have to love yourself before you really can love anyone else. You are pretty loveable, ya know! Believe it!

: : : I'm not used to bland, but I'm trying to make the best of it. I sure am grateful for the opportunity to grow.

Well, I am glad, because that is what this post is, an opportunity to grow.

: : : Peace...
: : Please explain, what is the difference between "bland" and "peace"?

: Peace, to me, is feeling quietly blissful,

Well, to me that would be bliss.. does peace have to be blissful? Can it just be quiet stillness?

: not needing to be or do anything, feeling perfection in what is and is not.

: Bland, to me, is many things... It is feeling like I am absolutely nothing, with an underlying tug that I "should" be being or doing something else. Bland is the feeling that comes up when a future doesn't want to manifest and I'm left to stew in my nothingness, without a path or a job. Bland is when I don't feel growth occuring. I'll bet you're sorry you asked!

No, I am not sorry... why project that onto me? I asked because I am interested in the answers. I am interested in you, I care about you, although you dont believe it.

  So, what you are telling me, is that bland is what you get when your ego is pissed at not getting its own way. Well... that is interesting, don't you think?

: Thanks for being there.

: Love...

I am here. I love you. Goddess loves you. Do you love you?

  Blessings!

[Leslee]

You are very wise and compassionate, Mystress, and I am grateful for all the time you've spent with me. I long to be the kind of person you've strived to become--trusting, unconditional, thoughtful, and knowing. I know it can be a double-edged sword, but it seems like a beautiful and sometimes rewarding way to be, as you see your students flower and "get it."

I read Richard Bach's "Illusions" yesterday because I needed something positive to fuel me. It made me realize just how hard it must be for you to deal with people like me who are basically blinded. You say the power is within me, that I can manifest anything with my thoughts. But I'm kind of like the will-man in Bach's book who says: "Easy words for you, Master, for you are guided as we are not." I feel like this often, but in this moment I see some light shining through.

I'm finally to the point where I've been genuinely asking myself, Why have I chosen to suffer so much in this life when I could've been any way I wanted, from the start? Even my birth was a major struggle, and it went on and on from there. You've asked me why I choose to suffer on numerous occasions, but until now I couldn't get myself to believe that it's been my choice all along. The lessons I came here to learn must come from suffering, because that is surely what I've chosen, with tiny little glimmers of happiness here and there, enough to keep me from killing myself. As Richard Bach so aptly puts it: "You seek problems because you need their gifts."

What I find odd, is that we're all supposed to KNOW, at some deep level, who we really are and why we're here. Yet one minute I'm feeling one with the whole universe; the next I'm feeling all alone in a pathetic illusion. I can see why so many K-awakened people are locked away in rubber rooms, talk about an unstable process when one isn't ready for it... When I'm not understanding the process, no inner wisdom whatsoever springs forth to cleanse me. You do sometimes, and I'm always VERY grateful.

Victim role in all situations in my life brings no relief whatsoever. So why do I keep playing by these rules? I have no desire to continue on this road. It sucks bad.

Only true believing and trusting, both in self and Universe, work to free the soul. Yet naturally, those are two traits I've never been gifted with. In order to know who I really am, then, I have to feel two ways I've never felt. I am ready to surrender again, because my lifelong pattern is not working at all for me. Since everything's an illusion anyway, why not pick a positive one? I really do hope to learn why I've chosen to be the way I've been.

Writing this down has made all of this much clearer. Your questions make things shine for me.

: Yup, they do!! We are like trees, when we stop growing we start dying.

Definitely agreed.

:  Hmm... how to put this nicely... how to walk on eggshells without breaking any. Impossible task. Why do I feel a need to walk on eggshells with you?

You feel a need to walk on eggshells with me because you sense that I'm fragile and don't want to say something that may make me blow up like I did before. Honestly, I'm doing better with that, thankfully. Before I blow, I ground and try to put myself in Witness state. If necessary, I step back as long as I need, so I can see the bigger picture. I actually haven't blown since our email sessions, at anybody. The bottom line is that I appreciate your honesty, and frankly, I actually trust that you are caring about me and trying to help. That is a big growth step; trust does NOT come easy to this one...

: Ah, That is the deeper question. Perhaps it is because you like to take offense at things?

No offense taken this time, Mystress. I'm feeling pretty damn humble right now, and grateful for your guidance.

:  Remember we talked about a pattern you have, of setting up situations so you can feel like a victim? Your reaction makes me feel set up.

Thankfully I caught myself right away--projecting my insecurities onto you, admitting that this whole ball of wax was a reflection of myself. I felt no need or desire to lash out at you. But I was in victim mode, and it was very apt for you to point it out here. Perhaps growth is occuring.

: You keep talking about your career, without being at all specific. Sooner or later somebody was going to nibble at the bait you set up, and ask... if you did not want people to ask, then you would not talk about it the way you do. OK?

Yes, again you're one insightful lady. I'm loving this release... Deep down, I talk about music stuff in order to justify my own existence to myself, if that makes sense. This comes with the underlying question, What the hell have I done to deserve to exist? Since self love is barren here mostly, I end up projecting my need to feel like I matter onto others, to get attention that'll make me feel OK for some small period of time.

: I'm not offended, I know you are doing the best you can, and you are doing great! It is my job to reflect this pattern back to you so you can see it.

This conversation is a blessing.

: Remember that first post to K-list where you were asking me about my rates? Well, I smelled that set-up a mile away, and Goddess told me your game plan and how to disrupt it. Yes, I was subtly accusing you by inference but not in words you could actually point to, and I was playing passive aggressive victim... and very well, too! LOL!! I deserve an academy award...

So I was right! Damn it!!! You are good

:  Being a domina for so many years gave me a very complete education about power games people play, and how to disrupt them. Goddess sent me to be a Pro-dom partly to give me that education and experience. Goddess sent you to me, because I am wise to the tricks you play on yourself.

I'm on my knees with gratitude that you are here. I wish Goddess would send me somewhere already!

:   Victim is not my favorite role, actually a role I really dislike, but I am slave to Goddess... and sometimes I am directed to use victimhood and blame to reflect back karma that has been projected into me.

This brings up something I've been wondering, regarding your lesson on Surrendering the Ego Self. I'm having trouble putting myself into slave mode, collared, though I have no problem with surrender pose and stuff like that. I'm not sure if this is the reason or not: I sense that I may have choked via hanging or drowning or something else in another life or that something happened in this one, though I have no real recollection. I can't stand anything around my neck. I cut all the collars off my T-shirts for this reason, always have. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night feeling like fingers are around my neck, pressing hard so I can't breathe. I don't know if this is a memory, or what. I've done the house spell and really don't feel any entities in me or in the apartment. So the idea of being a slave is hard for me. Is this OK or is there another way to be a slave?

:  Tricky, don't try this at home, kids! It can be a little like putting out an oil well fire with dynamite. Be supicious of your victimhood, it is an ego illusion.

Yes, ma'am, one damn illusion after another!

: I have met a lot of people who are the type I call "professional victims" because as a Pro-Dom I was a professional "bad guy", and tended to attract people who assumed that my work gave them consent to make me be *their* bad guy, and it mattered not at all that I had done nothing.

Only a really strong person can take that kind of abuse for any length of time. I can't help but think that working with that all the time would be extremely taxing on your soul. Talk about rattling...

:  I did not write the script for that roleplay.  You did, and disrupting the script so that you could see your pattern, involved pulling a switch on you. Placing myself in the victim role you were trying to set up for yourself, and thus forcing you to assume the "abuser" role you were trying to project onto me ... so that you could recognise the passive aggression of your "righteous victim" pattern.

You're like a spiritual detective, and an amazingly gifted one, at that. I know, you're nothing, Goddess does it all... I've heard it a hundred times! Well, I think Goddess works with gifts that people have, and certainly you have them!

: So, yes, I lied, and I didn't... the words were not true to my feelings, but they were true for the role I was playing. The reflection was truth. You were lying to yourself, and you did not know it then, but you know it now.

I appreciate you telling me the process and what was involved. I read you right but didn't believe it. That kind of feels good to know. I'm glad I went along with the script, however, or I never would've seen this pattern, not in this lifetime anyway.    

: BTW: Your comment about your shattered ego is pure melodrama. If your ego were really shattered, then being famous would not be important to you...

I shall rephrase: My ego is unwillingly shattering, but with a last desperate attempt to show it needs attention from the outside! Damn it! That's my ego talking right there! You are so good...

Most often my ego seems like the heart voice or other divine voice, so convincing, so real... BUSTED! So what do I have to do now? I ask my heart voice, check with body messages, recheck the heart voice, ask the Divine Beloved... and half the time it's my damn ego spewing crap. But my feet tingle, I feel grounded... Oh, what a life this is! It's more than a full time job just figuring out what the reality of illusions is. I wish it paid!

It is no surprise to me that Goddess does not want you seeking fame at this time. It is an ego attachment to be surrendered.

Yep, agreed.

: Back when I was studying acting, another student observed that anyone who needs to be a famous movie star has a pretty big need for approval.

And the actors I've known, not only needed mass approval, but also liked being able to get into other roles because they hated their "real life" ones. Musicians like me are the same way. We do it for the buzz of attention. OMG! And here I've been so rightous, saying I was pounding love out. I was a selfish bitch, really! I LOVE THIS! Drink it in, Leslee, believe it, feel it, know it...

: Now, here is the really funny irony... I lost all interest in being an actress years ago, stopped caring about seeing my face on a big screen... so what is Goddess giving me for my B-day on Sat.? My face on the big screen... ROTFLOL!! I did an interview for a BDSM documentary last summer, the preview will be in a movie theatre on Sat.

Have a WONDERFUL birthday, Mystress. You surely deserve it. That is SO cool! So you gave acting up and it came back, huh? Without struggle, without attaching... Came back better... Sounds nice. I'd love to see the documentary if it comes out this way. Let me know if you hear anything.

: Actually, I am not sure I will like what I see... the director went for this gritty documentary look, camera angles and harsh lighting that made everybody look like crap, from what I could see from the rushes. Oh well!

If you're a perfectionist like me, you'll never like anything you see yourself doing, will always find something wrong! *They* say that we're all a bit down on ourselves, part of the game, something to overcome. I can't (meaning choose not to) even look at a picture of myself without gagging half the time, even if others say I'm beautiful, can't (meaning choose not to) listen to stuff I've played on without hearing stuff a millionth of a beat off which drives me mad.

I'm sure you'll look beautiful because you radiate that. Nobody can butcher you, Goddess won't let them! I mean, hey... You look great on the lesson videos and all the pictures I've seen. You are beautiful and your meanings will be clear in the documentary. Just my opinion

:   Why? Is it not frustrating, to be holding out your begging cup for approval? So long as you need to get fed by approval from other people, whether it is 5000 screaming fans or me, or anybody, then you are placing yourself in a very vulnerable position, and will experience disappointment and frustration repeatedly. What are you getting from that experience, to keep continuing the pattern?

It's TOTALLY frustrating trying to get approval. I have trouble controlling myself, let alone the thoughts of other people. What am I getting from continuing this pattern? I had to ground and go into Witness state to get his answer: All I'm getting is the pattern of victimhood. Not a very good reason to hold on, huh? I guess the whole thing's just a nasty habit now.

: fill your own heart cup, till it runneth over. That is the only source of love and approval you can really depend on, and likely Goddess will make sure that your efforts to get your cup filled by other people will always fail, till you surrender to that.

I try to love myself, but it's the hardest thing to do. Though I've tried many times to do what you told me what to do, I haven't thus far succeeded at changing my childhood or of getting an older version of me to nurture my inner child. I can't see my Divine Beloved, either, though I felt him/her for a while. I am open to your ideas, though I don't always get them right away. I trust that what you say is possible but I'm not getting how to do it yet.

I have been so NOT a visual person, and I'm wondering if that is part of my difficulty. You know how *they* say that anything we can imagine in complete detail in our minds, we can and will manifest in this life? Well, I've never been able to see things in my head. I don't know how many visualization techniques I've tried to hone this, to no avail. Thankfully the grounding ritual works through feelings without visual augmentation. Since I do see cool patterns and colors, etc. with my third eye now, I'm hoping it'll spill over somehow. Visualization seems to be really important skill in transcending.

: Remember in my healing essay about karma, I mention that longing for the "glory days" can be just as big a stuck place as the bad memories. I think, when Goddess asked you to surrender the music biz it totally, it was this She had in mind, as much as future plans. A lot of your life energy is stuck in the past, in this way.

I think I can finally let go of this need to live in the past. It helped that you heard me. On the other side of the coin, I also recognize my attachment to needing guidance from you. My inner teachers are on vacation most of the time!

: Really Leslee, how would you expect anyone to recognise you when you do not even use the same name? Why do you set yourself up like this?

I must like a whole lot of pain. mmmmm Flog me! I'm learning, albeit slowly.

: Thank you for answering my question. Why is it sad? Previously, you spoke of the music biz as populated by greedy parasitic leeches. Was that just sour grapes?

I felt sad because that's all I could muster up to hold on to at the time. I couldn't find enough of me in the now to hold onto... No, I wasn't just spitting sour grapes--the biz as I knew it was pretty much entirely comprised of greedy parasitic leeches.

:  Do you think that your fans really loved you, for yourself?

No, but when I played every night, I got attention every night, big time. Got that nasty fix of approval that would go away shortly thereafter unless I got another fix right quick.

: They loved you for what you do, not for who you are. So long as you were willing to play the role they wanted, they gave you approval... you were being a good slave for them.

I know you're right with this, they *loved* me for my drumming, not because they knew anything about who I really was. I started feeling like a slave, too.

: Yet, by your own admission, you were giving yourself away, over and over and ended up feeling ripped off and victimized. Have you ever asked yourself why you did not insist on being paid what you are worth?

Oh, I asked for money, but I was gullible. I guess it was all a self-esteem issue, so I apparently set myself up. Managers would tell me that there was no money for me or other band members, yet they were living in mansions high on beautiful hills. We didn't question, we just played... I tended to attract greedy band leaders, too, those who'd insist that there was no money, yet they lived pretty damn well while I was starving. I suppose all the drugs and drinking didn't help me any in those situations. You name it, I did it. I was in party land most of the time, getting laid and such. Only when I quit playing, and incidentally drugs and drinking at the same time, did I realize that my last band was grossing over $4,000,000 a year, easy. It's easy now to see why the business left a horrible taste in my mouth.

Or was it that you felt worthless, inside, so you *did* feel you were getting paid what you were worth?

I've always felt worthless inside, so yes, on some level it must've been my motive to get nothing because that is what I felt I was worth. That's where I'm at now, too.

: You spoke previously of being so happy to make music that the money did not matter... a grand purist artistic pose, but not true, I think. It did matter. It mattered so much that you left the biz because of it.

From where I look now, for the first many years I was happy to just be able to release all of my pent-up anger, rage, and passion through shattered drumsticks. And since I felt worthless, otherwise, I didn't even think about money much until the end when I'd go five days without eating. It took that to finally kick me in the ass. Even when I quit I felt worthless, but even a worthless bum has the right to eat, I thought. I was hospitalized shortly thereafter with mass internal hemorrhaging, because I had no identity other than as a drummer.

:   Did Goddess tell you to heal him? No, She did not... so why did you? Be honest with yourself about this. If you are trying to use healing as a way to get your ego-approval needs met, I will tell you that is a slippery slope.

I completely see a double edged sword now [good vs. ego]...

(1-Good) A lady in my group this week asked me if I'd try to heal her shoulder, so I did. It felt so good to *try* to help her. I didn't feel self-important or anything, I just wanted to help. Mind you, I've always been an extremely self-centered person, rarely putting myself out there for others. Now suddenly I want to help people. Is this me or Goddess. How do I tell?

(2-Ego) I have a need to belong, to make a difference in some good way, in order to validate my existence. I feel this overwhelming need to do *something*. I don't have a clue as to what Goddess wants me to do, and I don't have the good fortune, unfortunately, to sit on my ass much longer and work on myself for a full-time job. I'm reaching for what to do next, not letting it just happen because of security issues. I'm one of those Find Your Passion and Proceed types. It's hard for me to go after a job that doesn't sit well with my gut. Now that I think about it, computers, writing, life support repair--all these I felt passion for at the time I started doing them. Of course, the only constant in life is change, so I did...

Seeing the predicament is a far cry off from the solution at the moment.

: I also wonder why you want me to be your teacher, if you do not follow my instructions? I was pretty darn clear that you are not to do healing, or TRY to do healing unless Goddess spells it out loud and clear that it is what She wants.

I deserve that. I want you to be my teacher because you understand me better than I understand myself at the moment. I guess if I KNEW whether Goddess did or did not want me to do these things, I'd have an easier go of it. I hope that makes sense. If it feels good, does that mean Goddess approves? I'm not blessed with knowing right now.

: I really wish I could wave my magic want and give you self esteem and confidence... but it does not work like that.

I wish you could do that, too, just like all the clingly people who ultimately led the Master to quit in "Illusions." They wanted him to do all the work. The difference here is that I am genuinely working VERY hard to work through a lifetime of crap that I know I've manifested for myself; I no longer blame a soul for my suffering. I do take in what you say, but the lessons sink in only when I'm ready, I guess.

: The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Hopefully the road to heaven, too.

: Love yourself!! You have to love yourself before you really can love anyone else. You are pretty loveable, ya know! Believe it!

It's hard to take a compliment. I've never felt loveable at all, so my small mind thinks nobody else can love me either. I'm rereading Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life." I'll do anything to keep my vicious patterns at bay. I'll do affirmations till I'm blue in the face if that'll help any.

: Well, I am glad, because that is what this post is, an opportunity to grow.

This thread has been incredible, absolutely. It digs into the core of all my shit, every bit of it, I think. If I can work through this stuff, I can work through anything.

: Well, to me that would be bliss.. does peace have to be blissful? Can it just be quiet stillness?

Quiet stillness is fine, brain squirrels are not (Bogus Repetitive Anxieties Inducing Nerve-wracking Symptoms, Quickening Uncontrolled Insecurities Rapidly Ruining Every Little Situation). That was another one of my hair-brained inventions! lol

: No, I am not sorry... why project that onto me? I asked because I am interested in the answers. I am interested in you, I care about you, although you dont believe it.

Bingo, again... If I think I suck, I assume everybody else does too.

:    So, what you are telling me, is that bland is what you get when your ego is pissed at not getting its own way. Well... that is interesting, don't you think?

Mind boggling, really. #-|

: I am here. I love you. Goddess loves you.

I'm on my knees thanking you for being there for me.

Do you love you?

You know the answer to that one!

I love you, and I'm grateful that you're in my life.

Leslee

[Leslee]

: :  Goddess sent you to me, because I am wise to the tricks you play on yourself.

: I'm on my knees with gratitude that you are here. I wish Goddess would send me somewhere already!

Oops, sorry I misread when I answered you the first time! Goddess sent me to you, which is the best thing, the most blessed thing that could ever happen to me. But my ego wanted her to send me to a life's passion, too, and that's what I was referring to above! Geez... I caught my ego there.

[Rebeckah]

Just to jump in here, I don't usually get a strong image/visual picture of my divine beloved... it has shown up as old boyfriends, a composite of pictures of an *ideal* guy, and as a picture I saw of a gay BDSM Dom once. It was also a dragon for awhile.... so mine changes, but I always know when its *him* cuz it has a certain feel and my attention feels *pulled* upwards. I also had a dream a few weeks back that I got married which was nice sybolism... couldn't SEE him clearly though.

Also, my DB told me to get a ring to remind myself of my commitment to follow It's lead, not my ego's.. I got a very clear picture of the ring to get, and where to buy it... and that the stone had to be a garnet. I couldn't go shopping at that time, but I haven't forgoten. I'll be getting it soon hopefully...

Leslee, when I have problems discerning what to do I get grounded and ask outloud *Goddess, do you want me to do XYZ* and my body sways a certain direction for yes {forward usually) and the other direction for no. At first I always had to ask first which way for yes and which way for no cuz it kept switching as my health was changing. But at least I felt like I got a clear answer... and I would ask about 5 times too. Goddess, are you sure? Are you REALLY sure? LOL!
love joy
Rebeckah

PS Happy Birthday Angelique!

[Lady C]

: Also, my DB told me to get a ring to remind myself of my commitment to follow It's lead, not my ego's

I have one too!!!  I was looking at rings at this psychic fair i attended, and saw one but they didn't have my size.  Then just a minute later when i was telling my friend why i didn't get it, the seller pulled one out.  It's one of those with a Celtic knot on either side of two hands holding a heart w/ a crown on top.  It's on my thumb facing my heart.  That's so cool to hear...it felt really good to have committed myself to my DB.  

Peace,
carla

: love joy
: Rebeckah

: PS Happy Birthday Angelique!

Happy Birthday Angelique!  I turned 40 this year and, believe it or not, i wouldn't trade this age for any other i have been.  I'm not sure what it is, maybe relief that with this *40 yrs old* mindset, even my ego doesn't see the need to be obsessed with my appearance and physical flaws.  Also with it comes the knowledge that i will soon be an old crone, happy and powerful and free.  (When i'm 80 - you'll recognize me as the one in the floppy purple hat.)  : )

Peace,
carla  

[Mystress]

: You are very wise and compassionate, Mystress, and I am grateful for all the time you've spent with me. I long to be the kind of person you've strived to become--trusting, unconditional, thoughtful, and knowing.

It did not happen overnight~!

: I know it can be a double-edged sword, but it seems like a beautiful and sometimes rewarding way to be, as you see your students flower and "get it."

Watching people grow is the best reward.

: I read Richard Bach's "Illusions" yesterday because I needed something positive to fuel me.

Wonderful, wonderful book. Even lately, it has given me some new insights that got me into a better frame of mind. I was at the place of the burnt out master, last week and I needed to remind myself to serve my own happiness, and have none before it.

:It made me realize just how hard it must be for you to deal with people like me who are basically blinded.

Is this belief in your blindness a positive affirmation? Whom does it serve?

:You say the power is within me, that I can manifest anything with my thoughts. But I'm kind of like the will-man in Bach's book who says: "Easy words for you, Master, for you are guided as we are not." I feel like this often, but in this moment I see some light shining through.

It is always there...

: I'm finally to the point where I've been genuinely asking myself, Why have I chosen to suffer so much in this life when I could've been any way I wanted, from the start? Even my birth was a major struggle, and it went on and on from there. You've asked me why I choose to suffer on numerous occasions, but until now I couldn't get myself to believe that it's been my choice all along. The lessons I came here to learn must come from suffering, because that is surely what I've chosen, with tiny little glimmers of happiness here and there, enough to keep me from killing myself. As Richard Bach so aptly puts it: "You seek problems because you need their gifts."

We do learn from suffering... complacency makes us fat and lazy. However, suffering is not the only way to learn.

: What I find odd, is that we're all supposed to KNOW, at some deep level, who we really are and why we're here. Yet one minute I'm feeling one with the whole universe;

Is that not reason enough? That is the knowing. That is who you really are.

: Only true believing and trusting, both in self and Universe, work to free the soul. Yet naturally, those are two traits I've never been gifted with.

Yeah, you are. You trust me, and you trust your ability to play drums. Good place to start. Why not focus on what you do trust in yourself? Make a list. Are you a good driver? Some people have too much anxiety to back the car out of the driveway.

: I really do hope to learn why I've chosen to be the way I've been.

Goddess does not judge. Infinite manifestation values every kind of experience.

: You feel a need to walk on eggshells with me because you sense that I'm fragile and don't want to say something that may make me blow up like I did before.

Yup.

Honestly, I'm doing better with that, thankfully. Before I blow, I ground and try to put myself in Witness state. If necessary, I step back as long as I need, so I can see the bigger picture. I actually haven't blown since our email sessions, at anybody.

Yaaaay!

: No offense taken this time, Mystress. I'm feeling pretty damn humble right now, and grateful for your guidance.

Yaaaay! Whew! (wipes sweat from brow.)

: Yes, again you're one insightful lady. I'm loving this release... Deep down, I talk about music stuff in order to justify my own existence to myself, if that makes sense. This comes with the underlying question, What the hell have I done to deserve to exist?

you are smarter than this, Leslee. If Goddess did not think you deserve to exist, then you would not exist. End of story. You do not have to do a thing to be deserving. There is no purpose to existing, except the experience of existing... and learning about love.

: So I was right! Damn it!!! You are good

Yes, you were right. and you were not right.. You saw a little of what I was doing, but you did not see why. You did not see the love in it. You did not see the leap of faith it took to do it, or the egolessness of me willing to look like a whining idiot to get through to you.

As it happened, I was internally dealing with some feelings of victimhood over a recently ended relationship. I knew the feelings were illusion, but I had not been able to unravel them fully to understand how I had gotten myself into that situation.

 The other part of that picture with her was also around money... she did not pay me for years of free counselling, I never asked her to, because she is poor. When she got an unexpected windfall of nearly $60,000 from the government, right after the bombing of Afghanistan started, she decided it was evil money and used the excuse of world events to give it all away to nameless charities.  As she lives in poverty, it made me realise that she really has no intention of improving her life, and all those years of her asking for my help was just a vampire game. Broke my fucking heart! She was the #1 cause of the burnout I was complaining about. Dealing with her, being in empathy with her took me to the edge of a nervous breakdown, twice! Yet still I gave and gave... so many leaps of faith that crashed and burned.

That person, BTW has made passive aggressive victimhood into such a fine art that it took me 5 years to clearly see it in her. Love is blind. She is legally insane, so I forgave her over and over again, (innocent by reason of insanity) too many times till I recognised the method to her madness... at which point I got a feeling I have not felt in many many years. Hatred. The feeling was actually not my own, it was empathy with her desire to dance on her ex-husband's grave that she would not surrender. Over it, now.. thankfully. I doubt she will ever see the sadism  in herself, but that is no longer my problem. I wish her a long and happy life.. or a miserable life, as she prefers.. so long as she stays far away from me!

You showed up to let me make good use of the feelings. Goddess provides. Your paying me for the work I did with you, was very healing for me. Kind of restored my faith in people. Thank you!

: I'm on my knees with gratitude that you are here. I wish Goddess would send me somewhere already!

cut it out! Be here Now.

: I don't know if this is a memory, or what. I've done the house spell and really don't feel any entities in me or in the apartment. So the idea of being a slave is hard for me. Is this OK or is there another way to be a slave?

Slavery is not about collars, it is about attitude.

 Put something around your neck, and surrender to the feeling till it tells you what it is about. Go easy on yourself.

: You're like a spiritual detective, and an amazingly gifted one, at that. I know, you're nothing, Goddess does it all... I've heard it a hundred times! Well, I think Goddess works with gifts that people have, and certainly you have them!

Talent comes from Goddess, and everybody has talent.

I am a genuine bonehead in other areas. Beaurocracy in particular, is hopeless for me to comprehend. A real stuck place... I have not even done my taxes in many years. Have not actually made enough money to pay taxes, but even so... I would be a lot more successful in my work, if I could manage it. As it is, I have failed several times to set myself up as a proper company, and stupid stuff like legally getting my name changed, and getting a merchant account to be able to accept credit cards is totally beyond me. Hopeless. Right now I have a paypal account with $450. in it, and I am past my withdrawl limit, (no credit card) so I have no way to get the money out. I focus on my talents, and ignore my deficiencies as much as possible until I am up against a wall. I will have to hire a lawyer to handle all the paperwork crap for me. I simply cannot do it, it makes my brain fuzz out and go to sleep.

I do what I'm good at, and I hire other folks to do what they are good at. So, it all works out OK.

: I appreciate you telling me the process and what was involved. I read you right but didn't believe it. That kind of feels good to know. I'm glad I went along with the script, however, or I never would've seen this pattern, not in this lifetime anyway.    

LOL!! Well, you didn't go along with it, you argued every step of the way... but Goddess won.

: Most often my ego seems like the heart voice or other divine voice, so convincing, so real... BUSTED! So what do I have to do now? I ask my heart voice, check with body messages, recheck the heart voice, ask the Divine Beloved... and half the time it's my damn ego spewing crap. But my feet tingle, I feel grounded... Oh, what a life this is! It's more than a full time job just figuring out what the reality of illusions is. I wish it paid!

Maybe someday it will... in the meantime, what you are getting from it is priceless.

: If you're a perfectionist like me, you'll never like anything you see yourself doing, will always find something wrong!

No, that is really not true for me. I gave up being a perfectionist long ago, because perfectionists never get anything done. I settle for 80% and call it good enough.

 The first time I saw these course videos, I was blown away. I just kept shaking my head and saying, "Who IS this woman, and HOW did she get so charming and wise?? Dumbfounded. It was so different from my internal self image, it was a big shock.. in a good way!

I am not aware of myself when I channel Goddess, totally unselfconscious. I did not know how I appear when I teach, so I really had no idea that I was no longer the insecure clumsy idiot that I remembered. I could not understand why my clients would fall in love with me so often.. but seeing what they were seeing, I fell in love with myself in a whole new way. With a part of myself I had only seen, in some dreams back in 1987 where my higher self was teaching me.

I am still amazed, watching them. Oh, there are a few I would like to reshoot, like the "earth and sky energy" lesson that seems to confuse people, and a few others where I was not well enough grounded and I say "ya know" too often, but overall... I see what Goddess wrought through me, and I am astonished.

: I'm sure you'll look beautiful because you radiate that. Nobody can butcher you, Goddess won't let them! I mean, hey... You look great on the lesson videos and all the pictures I've seen. You are beautiful and your meanings will be clear in the documentary. Just my opinion

I agree!

: It's TOTALLY frustrating trying to get approval. I have trouble controlling myself, let alone the thoughts of other people. What am I getting from continuing this pattern? I had to ground and go into Witness state to get his answer: All I'm getting is the pattern of victimhood.

Uh-uh. Not good enough. Go deeper. What are you getting from the pattern of victimhood?

: I try to love myself, but it's the hardest thing to do. Though I've tried many times to do what you told me what to do, I haven't thus far succeeded at changing my childhood or of getting an older version of me to nurture my inner child.

Fake it till ya make it. If you did love yourself, how would you treat yourself? How do you like other people to treat you? Figger it out, and do it.

: I have been so NOT a visual person, and I'm wondering if that is part of my difficulty. You know how *they* say that anything we can imagine in complete detail in our minds, we can and will manifest in this life? Well, I've never been able to see things in my head. I don't know how many visualization techniques I've tried to hone this, to no avail. Thankfully the grounding ritual works through feelings without visual augmentation.

Everything does. So, you are not a visual person. So what? I am visual, so I tend to describe things visually, but whatever works for you, is fine.

:Since I do see cool patterns and colors, etc. with my third eye now, I'm hoping it'll spill over somehow. Visualization seems to be really important skill in transcending.

Nope, it isn't. Get past that idea.

: On the other side of the coin, I also recognize my attachment to needing guidance from you.

Hmmm.. good. It is perfectly understandable, but I am glad you are aware of it.

 Like the Master said, "I cannot live the life of one other soul, yet ten thousand cry to me for life..."

:My inner teachers are on vacation most of the time!

They are never on vacation, you just get stubborn and take a vacation from listening.

:I'm one of those Find Your Passion and Proceed types. It's hard for me to go after a job that doesn't sit well with my gut. Now that I think about it, computers, writing, life support repair--all these I felt passion for at the time I started doing them. Of course, the only constant in life is change, so I did...

Perhaps you were uncomfortable with being successful and well fed? I want you to get a book by Barbara Sher called "Wishcraft"

: Seeing the predicament is a far cry off from the solution at the moment.

: : I also wonder why you want me to be your teacher, if you do not follow my instructions? I was pretty darn clear that you are not to do healing, or TRY to do healing unless Goddess spells it out loud and clear that it is what She wants.

: I'd have an easier go of it. I hope that makes sense. If it feels good, does that mean Goddess approves? I'm not blessed with knowing right now.

(shrug) Follow your bliss. If an idea makes your heart glow warm, then that usually is a yes.

:The difference here is that I am genuinely working VERY hard to work through a lifetime of crap that I know I've manifested for myself;

Yes, you are.. give yourself a hug for that!

: : The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

: Hopefully the road to heaven, too.

Nope. Good and bad are ego judgments. If you need to decide if your intentions are good or not, then it is ego speaking.

: : Love yourself!! You have to love yourself before you really can love anyone else. You are pretty loveable, ya know! Believe it!

: It's hard to take a compliment. I've never felt loveable at all, so my small mind thinks nobody else can love me either. I'm rereading Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life."

That book changed my life! Actually, the video of that book... see if your local library has it.

:I'll do anything to keep my vicious patterns at bay. I'll do affirmations till I'm blue in the face if that'll help any.

Surrender is better.

: : Well, I am glad, because that is what this post is, an opportunity to grow.

: Quiet stillness is fine, brain squirrels are not (Bogus Repetitive Anxieties Inducing Nerve-wracking Symptoms, Quickening Uncontrolled Insecurities Rapidly Ruining Every Little Situation). That was another one of my hair-brained inventions! lol

That is very funny... So, do an entity clearing on the brain squirrels.

: I love you, and I'm grateful that you're in my life.

So, you do know how to love... now try it to a mirror. Every day, till you can look yourself in the eye, say it and mean it.

 Reading this post made me laugh a lot. Pure joy to watch you growing. Thanks for that. Blessings...

: Leslee

[Leslee]

It's full moon time again. owowooooooooooo I don't get much sleep for 4-5 days every single full moon time now. (I wonder what the connection is, but I feel it's big!)

: It did not happen overnight~!

You are an excellent role model for me. As a matter of fact, I've never had a female role model until you. And it feels good. It's something that has been sorely lacking in my life, and as you say, Goddess provided (I add, in a beautiful way)...  

: Wonderful, wonderful book. Even lately, it has given me some new insights that got me into a better frame of mind. I was at the place of the burnt out master, last week and I needed to remind myself to serve my own happiness, and have none before it.

I can understand how that book would cheer you up, because it helped me understand the role of the teacher and the difficulties one might run into when pursuing that as a profession. It also helped me better see the role of the student as well.

: :It made me realize just how hard it must be for you to deal with people like me who are basically blinded.

: Is this belief in your blindness a positive affirmation? Whom does it serve?

No, that's a horrible affirmation. But now since I read 67 pages of "Healing Your Life," I've changed my tune a lot. This time I'm ready for what it has to say.

It kicked my ass working through the last message you replied to. I thought maybe I'd even be tired enough to sleep tonight (yeah, right)! lol But I realized more things after I replied, though I basically spent the whole day working through it. (I'm in NO way complaining ) So, I later realized that I MUST be guided by Goddess. So many amazingly good things have happened to me, regardless of my shit-ass attitude and patterns.

I remembered the day I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The doctor wrote prescriptions for pain killers, antidepressants, and sleeping pills. Well, I've always KNOWN that when bodies hurt, that they are trying to tell us something. And walaa!... Something in me said, You do not have Fibromyalgia, nor do you need to ingest this drug stuff; yoga is causing what you are experiencing.

Minded, I never even heard of Kundalini before, and I never learned that yoga could be harmful in any way. The next day, an Itzhak Bentov video literally dropped in front of my feet when I was at the library. I picked it up and took it home. All my symptoms clear as a bell, Kundalini explained... I searched the Net for Kundalini newsgroups and tons of entries popped up. I picked yours without hesitation and joined. And look who put up with my stuff? You! Coincidence? If so, a very meaningful one... You've been saying this all along, however, as you intimate, the heavy knowledge comes experientially.

At my last job I was making a fortune. I got a $23,000 raise after three months. Does someone who thinks they're worth nothing, get that normally? A job where I could do anything I wanted, cranking heavy metal tunes, and dressing like a bull-dyke? Someone's (big capital S on that bad boy) obviously been looking after me, just took me some time to see it. I'm a believer, I tell ya!

: We do learn from suffering... complacency makes us fat and lazy. However, suffering is not the only way to learn.

I really believe this now. I guess my lesson is to learn exactly this and then go with it.

: Yeah, you are. You trust me, and you trust your ability to play drums. Good place to start. Why not focus on what you do trust in yourself? Make a list. Are you a good driver? Some people have too much anxiety to back the car out of the driveway.

I decided to choose to trust myself, and I'm taking baby steps. It couldn't be any worse than what I've been getting by not trusting myself. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen? Nothing! Change the thought, change the illusion.

: Goddess does not judge. Infinite manifestation values every kind of experience.

Good point.

: Yaaaay! Whew! (wipes sweat from brow.)

Yeah, I know, it takes much courage to work with me sometimes. I'm glad you stuck it out.

: you are smarter than this, Leslee. If Goddess did not think you deserve to exist, then you would not exist. End of story. You do not have to do a thing to be deserving. There is no purpose to existing, except the experience of existing... and learning about love.

Sometimes I'm not smarter than this, but I can say now that I can make mistakes while I'm learning and still be OK. Talk about accelerated learning... Light speed.

: Yes, you were right. and you were not right.. You saw a little of what I was doing, but you did not see why. You did not see the love in it. You did not see the leap of faith it took to do it, or the egolessness of me willing to look like a whining idiot to get through to you.

You're right, I didn't see those things, but I saw one part. Remember Leslee, I quote, "guilt is a totally useless emotion. It never makes anyone feel better, nor does it change a situation." I caught that one. You've given me some killer tools to work with.

: As it happened, I was internally dealing with some feelings of victimhood over a recently ended relationship. I knew the feelings were illusion, but I had not been able to unravel them fully to understand how I had gotten myself into that situation.

Wow... I know what relationship crap can do to one. Feelings sure feel real at the time.

:  The other part of that picture with her was also around money... she did not pay me for years of free counselling, I never asked her to, because she is poor.

How strange that I came into play when I did, with the victimhood AND money issues...

: When she got an unexpected windfall of nearly $60,000 from the government, right after the bombing of Afghanistan started, she decided it was evil money and used the excuse of world events to give it all away to nameless charities.

She didn't give you anything for all your time and caring? Geez... I can see how that would make you feel like a victim, especially since it was someone you loved so much.

As she lives in poverty, it made me realise that she really has no intention of improving her life, and all those years of her asking for my help was just a vampire game. Broke my fucking heart!

People who hang around you seem to do miraculous turnarounds. Maybe she will too, someday. Sounds like at this juncture she's just given up on her self, as she didn't even use any of the money to get herself out of poverty... Her self love quotient must be even worse than mine has been. That kind of attitude generally leads to eventual necessary growth or suicide. I can't even imagine what I could be if you worked with me for years. As far as I can tell, a week would be absolutely amazing!

She was the #1 cause of the burnout I was complaining about. Dealing with her, being in empathy with her took me to the edge of a nervous breakdown, twice! Yet still I gave and gave... so many leaps of faith that crashed and burned.

And then compound that with you dealing with my *issues*, and you've got one big clusterfuck! You handled it all like I champ, I tell ya. Amazing...

: That person, BTW has made passive aggressive victimhood into such a fine art that it took me 5 years to clearly see it in her.

Wow. That's one *fine* art all right. Makes me look like a real light weight! >;-)>

Love is blind. She is legally insane, so I forgave her over and over again, (innocent by reason of insanity) too many times till I recognised the method to her madness... at which point I got a feeling I have not felt in many many years. Hatred. The feeling was actually not my own, it was empathy with her desire to dance on her ex-husband's grave that she would not surrender.

Unreal...

Over it, now.. thankfully. I doubt she will ever see the sadism  in herself, but that is no longer my problem. I wish her a long and happy life.. or a miserable life, as she prefers.. so long as she stays far away from me!

I don't know. Goddess may put her in your path again... She seems to do shit like that. But one thing's for sure: If this lady crosses your path again, I don't believe you'll take any of her shit, love or no love! Tough love (not the band) works on some of us really well, even though there may be other ways.

:  You showed up to let me make good use of the feelings. Goddess provides. Your paying me for the work I did with you, was very healing for me. Kind of restored my faith in people. Thank you!

Well, another money order's going in the mail in the next couple of days. I'll spare what I can right now because it's getting tight. You certainly do earn your keep, and you certainly deserve prosperity.

: cut it out! Be here Now.

OK, Ram Dass! I've read a whole lot of books in my day, just most of them didn't stick before now. ~

: Slavery is not about collars, it is about attitude.

Excellent. I can do that.

:  Put something around your neck, and surrender to the feeling till it tells you what it is about. Go easy on yourself.

Today I felt fingers around my throat all day, but it hasn't told me anything, except gag. I will tie a scarf around my throat tomorrow  and see if that does anything different.

: Talent comes from Goddess, and everybody has talent.

True.

: I am a genuine bonehead in other areas. Beaurocracy in particular, is hopeless for me to comprehend. A real stuck place... I have not even done my taxes in many years. Have not actually made enough money to pay taxes, but even so... I would be a lot more successful in my work, if I could manage it. As it is, I have failed several times to set myself up as a proper company, and stupid stuff like legally getting my name changed, and getting a merchant account to be able to accept credit cards is totally beyond me.

Bonehead? Hopeless? Stuck place? Totally beyond you? Are these positive affirmations? (Be careful what you teach me, because it will stick to me like glue once I get it.) Too bad I don't live by you. My middle name's Organization (not really--it's Jo)! I've had the pleasure of dealing with the MAN on numerous occasions.

Hopeless. Right now I have a paypal account with $450. in it, and I am past my withdrawl limit, (no credit card) so I have no way to get the money out.

That sucks.

I focus on my talents, and ignore my deficiencies as much as possible until I am up against a wall.

Sounds pretty familiar to me.

I will have to hire a lawyer to handle all the paperwork crap for me. I simply cannot do it, it makes my brain fuzz out and go to sleep.

Use all your people reading skills when hiring a decent lawyer, because, frankly, honest ones are not easy to find. I've had to deal with many in my day, especially with music, trademarks, and patents, and the experience has not to this day been pleasant. Get in writing what the lawyer intends to do for you, before you pay him anything. I learned the hard way.

:  I do what I'm good at, and I hire other folks to do what they are good at. So, it all works out OK.

That makes sense.

: LOL!! Well, you didn't go along with it, you argued every step of the way... but Goddess won.

I thought I played my part very well. I got you going, didn't it?

: Maybe someday it will... in the meantime, what you are getting from it is priceless.

Yes, priceless... I agree totally.

: No, that is really not true for me. I gave up being a perfectionist long ago, because perfectionists never get anything done. I settle for 80% and call it good enough.

Not that I want to remain a perfectionist, because it rips my gut apart and makes me miserable, but I do get everything done, way before it's supposed to be completed. My anal-retentiveness has beat every deadline; I never came close to missing one. The pressure's enough to kill me, I tell ya!

:  The first time I saw these course videos, I was blown away. I just kept shaking my head and saying, "Who IS this woman, and HOW did she get so charming and wise?? Dumbfounded. It was so different from my internal self image, it was a big shock.. in a good way!

Must be a beautiful, blissful feeling to love yourself. I never met a woman, before you, who loved herself. Maybe in my case it was like attracts like, I don't know...

: I am not aware of myself when I channel Goddess, totally unselfconscious. I did not know how I appear when I teach, so I really had no idea that I was no longer the insecure clumsy idiot that I remembered. I could not understand why my clients would fall in love with me so often.. but seeing what they were seeing, I fell in love with myself in a whole new way.

I look forward to such a beautiful revelation someday.

: : It's TOTALLY frustrating trying to get approval. I have trouble controlling myself, let alone the thoughts of other people. What am I getting from continuing this pattern? I had to ground and go into Witness state to get his answer: All I'm getting is the pattern of victimhood.

: Uh-uh. Not good enough. Go deeper. What are you getting from the pattern of victimhood?

I get to feel like absolute shit, which confirms my thoughts that I don't deserve a damn thing but to feel like the shit I am. Then, feeling like shit, I manifest more situations that will make me feel like a victim so I can repeat the process. Such fun! Weeeeeeeeee Am I close?

: Fake it till ya make it. If you did love yourself, how would you treat yourself? How do you like other people to treat you? Figger it out, and do it.

The Hay book will definitely help with this now.

: Everything does. So, you are not a visual person. So what? I am visual, so I tend to describe things visually, but whatever works for you, is fine.

Cool. That'll work.

: : On the other side of the coin, I also recognize my attachment to needing guidance from you.

: Hmmm.. good. It is perfectly understandable, but I am glad you are aware of it.

Well, I'm honored that you became my first woman role model. I kind of lost hope there for a while.

:  Like the Master said, "I cannot live the life of one other soul, yet ten thousand cry to me for life..."

And, they want me to do all their work for them, though I lay out to a tee, what will take them to the place where I Reside. My words are food for the worms with these folks. Grrrrrrr... I QUIT!, the Master said.

:  Perhaps you were uncomfortable with being successful and well fed? I want you to get a book by Barbara Sher called "Wishcraft"

I had no problem in my last job, making great money. I loved it and felt secure for the first time in my life. Go figure, a damn dot.com during the Tech Wreck! I am grateful that I worked there. I ordered the book, "Wishcraft," by the way. I suck up knowledge like the vacuum of a black hole.

: (shrug) Follow your bliss. If an idea makes your heart glow warm, then that usually is a yes.

Well, I did get that warm, tingly feeling. But if you say I'm not ready to heal anyone, tell me now. I promise I will listen this time because I understand more. I did not mean to give you a hard time with this issue, but the left side of my brain wanted to understand what was going on before it would surrender to you. "Guilt is a totally useless emotion. It never makes anyone feel better, nor does it change a situation." That's twice in one post that I felt guilt, but for the first time in my life at least I'm seeing it for what it is.

: Yes, you are.. give yourself a hug for that!

I looked at myself in a mirror and said ten times, "I love and accept you unconditionally." That was one big clusterfuck, but I made it through alive! Does that count? OK, I'll hug...

: Nope. Good and bad are ego judgments. If you need to decide if your intentions are good or not, then it is ego speaking.

The ego can be a slippery bugger, huh? I'm seeing that huge today.

: That book changed my life! Actually, the video of that book... see if your local library has it.

Shall do...

: Surrender is better.

Surrender, yes, totally.

: That is very funny... So, do an entity clearing on the brain squirrels.

I do, when I catch them and don't get caught up in the drama. Squirrels, according to Native American wisdom, signify trust, playfulness, and planning for the future. I can't even count the number of squirrels that are hanging around the balcony at my picture window every day now. Even with the curtains closed, the little rascals will peek their heads under the bottom of the curtains and stare at me. Coincidence?

: So, you do know how to love... now try it to a mirror. Every day, till you can look yourself in the eye, say it and mean it.

Will do. Since I know now that EVERY SINGLE bogus pattern I have is somehow related to self love and acceptance issues, I will win this thing.

:  Reading this post made me laugh a lot. Pure joy to watch you growing. Thanks for that.

I'm on my knees before you. I've never before said that to a human being. You are a true Goddess-send. Bless you and all my love...

Leslee

[Leslee]

Hi Rebeckah...

: Just to jump in here.

I'm glad you did!

: I don't usually get a strong image/visual picture of my divine beloved... it has shown up as old boyfriends, a composite of pictures of an *ideal* guy, and as a picture I saw of a gay BDSM Dom once. It was also a dragon for awhile.... so mine changes, but I always know when its *him* cuz it has a certain feel and my attention feels *pulled* upwards.

Mystress pretty much said the same thing that your post taught me, that we all may experience the Divine Beloved in different ways. I don't see anything at all, but I *feel* a whole lot sometimes (mainly when I finally just let the hell go!). The vibe is pretty decent, so I think I'll go with it!

: I also had a dream a few weeks back that I got married which was nice sybolism... couldn't SEE him clearly though.

That must've been cool to experience. While I often believe that I see the Portal to Dreamtime that Mystress has talked about on the K-list, I don't seem to get any killer sleeping dreams like this, yet. I'm probably not ready to get something so good for a dream. It might give me a heart attack! lol (Just funnin'!) Actually, I am ready willing and able to see anything that won't scare the crap out of me!

Last night, after answering Mystress's post (talk about a wild Shakti charge!), my third eye was going nuts. It was so friggin' cool. I used to do LSD when I was younger, but I NEVER saw colors and patterns like this (and I've seen some wild-ass shit in my day), whether I closed my eyes or not. I was in awe of this, absolutely. Then these lace-like shapes started flying into the room; it looked like there were faces in them, staring at me, not mean or anything, but other-worldly faces. I woke hubby RIGHT AWAY, scared me to death. I see by this that I'm surrendering, but not all the way, but what a wild ride this is! Certainly can't say things like this are boring...

: Also, my DB told me to get a ring to remind myself of my commitment to follow It's lead, not my ego's.. I got a very clear picture of the ring to get, and where to buy it... and that the stone had to be a garnet. I couldn't go shopping at that time, but I haven't forgoten. I'll be getting it soon hopefully...

That is so cute . Go for it!

: Leslee, when I have problems discerning what to do I get grounded and ask outloud *Goddess, do you want me to do XYZ* and my body sways a certain direction for yes {forward usually) and the other direction for no. At first I always had to ask first which way for yes and which way for no cuz it kept switching as my health was changing. But at least I felt like I got a clear answer... and I would ask about 5 times too. Goddess, are you sure? Are you REALLY sure? LOL!

This is very good advice, Rebeckah. I guess I've been *trying* something similar, but I've only been opting for the answers my ego wants! That makes this week's REVELATION #2,500,872,444,888,888.

Love,

Leslee

[Mystress]

: It kicked my ass working through the last message you replied to.

Yeah, I thought I'd give us both a break, for a hwile... till the moon passed full.

:I later realized that I MUST be guided by Goddess. So many amazingly good things have happened to me, regardless of my shit-ass attitude and patterns.

Yes. Goddess does not judge you for that stuff.. She is always there... It just gets harder to feel Her hand when you are preoccupied with other thngs.
: : Yaaaay! Whew! (wipes sweat from brow.)

: Yeah, I know, it takes much courage to work with me sometimes. I'm glad you stuck it out.

Me too. I am really proud of you, Leslee! You can really be a handful, but your growing is radiant. I never would have guess that you would have caught on to the magic so quickly. Really, you are very talented. You are learning to have faith in yourself, and in that which has always guided you... processing at lightspeed.

 And now you have Gabriel... and you can see him in your mind's eye. So, you are not so blind to visualization as you thought.

 On a few occasions I have encountered someone whose inability to visualize things came of some childhood desire to close the third eye and stop seeing things. Karma, not biology.

  The childhood prayer to stop seeing ghosts, auras or visions that adults could not is usually not phrased clearly, and so has a side effect of closing down the ability to mentally visualize... which is slightly different from being naturally not visually oriented. Usually sharing this information with them, leads to them gradually regaining the ability.

: How strange that I came into play when I did, with the victimhood AND money issues...

Not strange at all. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. Like Richard says, "I teach best what I most need to learn." Typical, just as it was totally typical and synchronous that 3 people suffering from excess empathy joined the course a few weeks ago, when I was also trying to find new balance with my own empathy, feeling stuck and trying to remember the way out. Through me, Goddess told them what I needed to hear. My whole spiritual path has been like that... I am too damn stubborn and dominant to accept a teacher, so Goddess brings me students that need to learn what I need to teach or remind myself about.

: I don't know. Goddess may put her in your path again... She seems to do shit like that. But one thing's for sure: If this lady crosses your path again, I don't believe you'll take any of her shit, love or no love! Tough love (not the band) works on some of us really well, even though there may be other ways.

Yeah, she did, actually.. sent me an e-card for my B-day... I flipped out quite colorfully.

: Well, another money order's going in the mail in the next couple of days. I'll spare what I can right now because it's getting tight. You certainly do earn your keep, and you certainly deserve prosperity.

I recieved it, thanks... did you want to book an appointment with me?

: Bonehead? Hopeless? Stuck place? Totally beyond you? Are these positive affirmations? (Be careful what you teach me, because it will stick to me like glue once I get it.)  

Compared to how I felt when I was trying to get myself to be able to do them, these are love-names. It feels good to surrender to my inability.

: I focus on my talents, and ignore my deficiencies as much as possible until I am up against a wall.

: Sounds pretty familiar to me.

Easy to dom because I have many talents...

: I will have to hire a lawyer to handle all the paperwork crap for me. I simply cannot do it, it makes my brain fuzz out and go to sleep.

: Use all your people reading skills when hiring a decent lawyer, because, frankly, honest ones are not easy to find. I've had to deal with many in my day, especially with music, trademarks, and patents, and the experience has not to this day been pleasant. Get in writing what the lawyer intends to do for you, before you pay him anything. I learned the hard way.

Goddess will find me a lawyer.

: I get to feel like absolute shit, which confirms my thoughts that I don't deserve a damn thing but to feel like the shit I am. Then, feeling like shit, I manifest more situations that will make me feel like a victim so I can repeat the process. Such fun! Weeeeeeeeee Am I close?

I dunno, are you? What about the power to get sympathy?

: Well, I did get that warm, tingly feeling. But if you say I'm not ready to heal anyone, tell me now.

Dunno about tingly... tingles are often energy at work, clearing. The feeling is of warmth and joy. Happiness.

I started healing before I was ready... but there are hazards. If you tell people that you are a healer, then a lot of people may ask you to heal them, but many will only be seeking your attention to their problems without being willing to surrender... that is when you end up stuck in their stuff.

  Blessings...

[Leslee]

: Yeah, I thought I'd give us both a break, for a hwile... till the moon passed full.

I read some of your posts to the K-list, and I can relate to the amount of energy you were carrying. You did so much creative stuff. Your posts to the list, along with your lesson on attachment, inspired me. I actually cleaned here, and I'm normally not much for that! I packed up 16 big boxes of computer books and software, and carted them to my local library for a donation. I went through all my closets and gave away 8 33-gallon bags of stuff to charity.

Then, something very wild happened... I was going through a stack of haggard cassette tapes, to see if I should chuck 'em. I put an unmarked one into the ghetto blaster and hit Play. It was me playing a live concert in about 1984; I didn't know I had anything like that around here. Tears came to my eyes so I grounded and laid down.

I prayed to Gabriel, asking him to please talk to me, tell me something he wanted me to know or do. That EXACT second the phone rang, I'm talking EXACT and a half. Startled the living crap out of me, literally. It was my buddy Mike. He asked me if I wanted to set up my drums in his living room next to the fireplace; he'd give me a key so I could come and go as I pleased... (The normal setup is in a dismal, dark, damp, cold basement.)

I packed up my shit faster than imaginable and made two trips into the city (no easy task in a Tracker with drums that are bigger and heavier than I am). An hour drive, but who cared at this point! lol I figured that if Gabriel wanted me to drum, I sure wouldn't deny him.

I think Mike's house is on an energy vortex or something. I slept over there a while back when I helped him paint his garage. It's an old house, but it's in amazingly good shape. The energy storms up from the wood floors, much like the vortexes I visited in Sadona, AZ. Meditating there is unreal. Talk about grateful. I couldn't be more grateful if I tried.

So I set up my stuff and wacked my brains out. The acoustics are etherial, nothing better than old wood and high ceilings. Today will be my third day. Many issues around drumming are coming up, so it's not been easy. A few times, though, I went into a third eye trance while playing. That's what I'm shooting for. I just want to go bye-bye with it. Expectations and fears kill the magic.

I try to imagine a little kid with an opportunity to just bang around, but I feel obligated to play great. I'm sure I can be heard for blocks around without difficulty, and I don't want to annoy the neighbors. The vibrations knock shit off all the walls and off of shelves! Ten-ply over-sized drums will do that! I've never been able to play anywhere but rehearsal studios my entire life, so I'm a bit leary of the cops showing up. I put a pink mirrored bubble of protection over the kit, but I've still got some work to do on my emotional baggage... Lots of emotional baggage. I'm grateful for the potential opportunity to work through it finally. I'm looking forward to another day of slam.

: Yes. Goddess does not judge you for that stuff.. She is always there... It just gets harder to feel Her hand when you are preoccupied with other thngs.

Yes... It's hard to feel her and Gabriel now that I'm drumming. So much fear, but when I'm done playing I'm wall to wall grins with a glow that can't be believed. My K's been out the roof. After I play I could power the universe with electricity.

: Me too. I am really proud of you, Leslee! You can really be a handful, but your growing is radiant. I never would have guess that you would have caught on to the magic so quickly. Really, you are very talented. You are learning to have faith in yourself, and in that which has always guided you... processing at lightspeed.

Thank you, Mystress, for the beautiful compliments. I'm thankful that I trusted you enough to take in your priceless lessons. I refuse to look back, choosing instead to move forward. That says a whole lot about your wonderful power and communication skills. I've been doing tons of affirmations, too, to try to keep out of the dumps. The tighter I get, the more fucked up my husband gets, so it's been a real challange. Having the drums to get all my shit out, doesn't hurt.

:   And now you have Gabriel... and you can see him in your mind's eye. So, you are not so blind to visualization as you thought.

Oh, Mystress... No sooner did I tell you that I could still see him, that his image disappeared from my mind's eye. I haven't conjured him up since, but I think he's at play in the background.

:  On a few occasions I have encountered someone whose inability to visualize things came of some childhood desire to close the third eye and stop seeing things. Karma, not biology.

I think this is my case, too. I don't remember any of the following, but my mother said that when I was really young I'd talk to invisible people. Of course my parents stopped that right away. When I was in school, the teachers often called my parents in because they said I was in another world, daydreaming and masterbating! I don't know what's real...

:   The childhood prayer to stop seeing ghosts, auras or visions that adults could not is usually not phrased clearly, and so has a side effect of closing down the ability to mentally visualize... which is slightly different from being naturally not visually oriented. Usually sharing this information with them, leads to them gradually regaining the ability.

Well, I hope it leads back to my ability. I know it's there, because I see the most intense patterns and colors in my third eye. I also, almost constantly when I lay down, see a dark, mirrory body of water with ripples and sometimes rain on the surface. Amazingly, I don't see this water vision with any dots whatsoever. Everything else I see in "real life" or third eye is just moving colored dots, really close together. I've asked what this could be/mean, but nothing surfaces (pun intended) yet.

: Not strange at all. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. Like Richard says, "I teach best what I most need to learn."

That line in his book really impressed me. Makes sense. Talk about syncronistic.

Typical, just as it was totally typical and synchronous that 3 people suffering from excess empathy joined the course a few weeks ago, when I was also trying to find new balance with my own empathy, feeling stuck and trying to remember the way out. Through me, Goddess told them what I needed to hear. My whole spiritual path has been like that... I am too damn stubborn and dominant to accept a teacher, so Goddess brings me students that need to learn what I need to teach or remind myself about.

That is so cool. It helps that you're open to Goddess's lessons to your students, as your lessons as well. I'm trying to see things more like that. I can be slightly stubborn and dominant myself .

: Yeah, she did, actually.. sent me an e-card for my B-day... I flipped out quite colorfully.

Well, if truth be told, the person you were talking about wrote me a bunch of long private posts a while back (after I posted the money issue stuff to the K-list). She told me her story in great detail. She was crying the whole time she wrote it. I could feel her pain, as I had not yet learned how to shrink my boundary. She expressed such love for you that it was unreal, but she was completely torn up inside about personal issues with her husband and self. She didn't know what to do, and I certainly didn't know what to tell her. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundary in saying this, but I wanted you to know that this person really loves you. She's just totally lost.

: I recieved it, thanks... did you want to book an appointment with me?

I would love nothing more than to book an appointment with you, but Unemployment is running out in a few weeks and nay a job looms anywhere. I don't even know what I want to do yet. You earned the money I sent you, and much more with this thread, so I have no qualms about you keeping that money for services already provided. Thank you for offering, though.

: Goddess will find me a lawyer.

That sounds a lot better than my idea! Analyze, analyze, analyze. That shit fucks me up. Left brain lobotomy in order here.

: I dunno, are you? What about the power to get sympathy?

I don't want sympathy. I want to be strong and self-sufficient. It's a losing battle to try to get anything from anybody but myself. I know that all too well.

: Dunno about tingly... tingles are often energy at work, clearing. The feeling is of warmth and joy. Happiness.

Well then, I'm not ready to heal anybody. Shit just blurts out of my mouth as if from nowhere. In your Gabriel post you indicated that he might have something to do with it, but I don't have a clue yet. I've surrendered it.

: I started healing before I was ready... but there are hazards. If you tell people that you are a healer, then a lot of people may ask you to heal them, but many will only be seeking your attention to their problems without being willing to surrender... that is when you end up stuck in their stuff.

Yes... Last week I left the group with one very fearful lady's karma locked in my body. It took a day to get rid of it. On the up side, this group, as a microcosm of "real" life, may provide a safe place to learn this stuff experientially. I don't know... At least I have no contact with them when I leave! lol

Thank you for writing. It was a pleasant surprise. I gave up even looking for a response to this one, a long time ago. I'm surprised I looked in the Tea Room today and scrolled down. hmmm

It's time to beat my living brains out )))))))

Love,

Leslee

[Mystress]

: : Yeah, I thought I'd give us both a break, for a hwile... till the moon passed full.

: I read some of your posts to the K-list, and I can relate to the amount of energy you were carrying. You did so much creative stuff. Your posts to the list, along with your lesson on attachment, inspired me. I actually cleaned here, and I'm normally not much for that! I packed up 16 big boxes of computer books and software, and carted them to my local library for a donation. I went through all my closets and gave away 8 33-gallon bags of stuff to charity.

heh. Kewl!
:Many issues around drumming are coming up, so it's not been easy. A few times, though, I went into a third eye trance while playing. That's what I'm shooting for. I just want to go bye-bye with it. Expectations and fears kill the magic.

Sounds like it has been very good for you.

: The tighter I get, the more fucked up my husband gets, so it's been a real challange.

What do you mean, tighter?

: Oh, Mystress... No sooner did I tell you that I could still see him, that his image disappeared from my mind's eye. I haven't conjured him up since, but I think he's at play in the background.

always...

: :  On a few occasions I have encountered someone whose inability to visualize things came of some childhood desire to close the third eye and stop seeing things. Karma, not biology.

: I think this is my case, too. I don't remember any of the following, but my mother said that when I was really young I'd talk to invisible people. Of course my parents stopped that right away. When I was in school, the teachers often called my parents in because they said I was in another world, daydreaming and masterbating! I don't know what's real...

Makes sense then...

: I also, almost constantly when I lay down, see a dark, mirrory body of water with ripples and sometimes rain on the surface. Amazingly, I don't see this water vision with any dots whatsoever. Everything else I see in "real life" or third eye is just moving colored dots, really close together. I've asked what this could be/mean, but nothing surfaces (pun intended) yet.

Ah, the Lake. That too, is Gabriel. The lake represents the unconscious.

My vision is like that too, with the colored dots. If you stare at a blank wall, sometimes they form into shapes and patterns. You can scry them like tea leaves. Projecting the content of your unconscious onto a blank wall.  

: : Not strange at all. Stuff like that happens to me all the time. Like Richard says, "I teach best what I most need to learn."

: That line in his book really impressed me. Makes sense. Talk about syncronistic.

: Typical, just as it was totally typical and synchronous that 3 people suffering from excess empathy joined the course a few weeks ago, when I was also trying to find new balance with my own empathy, feeling stuck and trying to remember the way out. Through me, Goddess told them what I needed to hear. My whole spiritual path has been like that... I am too damn stubborn and dominant to accept a teacher, so Goddess brings me students that need to learn what I need to teach or remind myself about.

: That is so cool. It helps that you're open to Goddess's lessons to your students, as your lessons as well. I'm trying to see things more like that. I can be slightly stubborn and dominant myself .

Yes. While I prefer for you to avoid doing healing yet, I recognise that it will likely be part of your learning curve. Wait a little longer... as you get clearer, your discernment improves.

: : Yeah, she did, actually.. sent me an e-card for my B-day... I flipped out quite colorfully.

: Well, if truth be told, the person you were talking about wrote me a bunch of long private posts a while back (after I posted the money issue stuff to the K-list).

I am not surprised by this, I expected that she would... and that her stories would teach you more about scarcity consciousness and victimhood, than my spewing. I felt it. Good that she had someone to talk to.

:She told me her story in great detail. She was crying the whole time she wrote it. I could feel her pain, as I had not yet learned how to shrink my boundary. She expressed such love for you that it was unreal, but she was completely torn up inside about personal issues with her husband and self. She didn't know what to do, and I certainly didn't know what to tell her. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundary in saying this, but I wanted you to know that this person really loves you. She's just totally lost.

I know it. I have no boundaries to her, I still hear her thoughts, tho I try to direct my own attention elsewhere. She will never really surrender to Goddess within herself, so long as she has me to be Goddess for her... and that job is too much for anyone.
I knocked a large mirror over and smashed it after I got the ecard.. Goddess speaks clearly and I took a long look...

Two women, one young and too beautiful, the other old and toothless. Two ex slaves who broke my heart, I forgave them, and they did it again. Two unstable women who like drama better than peace... addicted to the adrenaline. So they do not surrender to the shakti field, they milk the emotions and go crazy in the universes they create... taking me along with them, via empathy.

Two women who do not want to hear it when the Master says "I quit". The young one put on a stage play this fall, called "Driving Mistress Crazy". She is still milking drama from 3 years ago... She has been showing up at fetish parties I attend. The first time she accosted me with apologies and pleas for forgiveness, telling me how she had changed in three years. I held up my hands and laughed, telling her I have heard it all before and just want to be left alone. She seems to be doing that, since... aside from sending her friends to strike up conversations with me. Sigh. I still love them both dearly, but we are poison to each other.

:You earned the money I sent you, and much more with this thread, so I have no qualms about you keeping that money for services already provided.

Thank you for being clear. I appreciate your appreciation!

: Well then, I'm not ready to heal anybody. Shit just blurts out of my mouth as if from nowhere.

Well, you could try just trusting yourself..

: : I started healing before I was ready... but there are hazards. If you tell people that you are a healer, then a lot of people may ask you to heal them, but many will only be seeking your attention to their problems without being willing to surrender... that is when you end up stuck in their stuff.

: Yes... Last week I left the group with one very fearful lady's karma locked in my body. It took a day to get rid of it.

Yup. But stuff moves easier when there is less of your own stuff for it to get tangled in, and more energy to flush it out.
  Blessings...

[Leslee]

: Sounds like it has been very good for you.

Yes, in a lot of ways it has been very good for me, bloody ecstasy.

But this weird stuff's coming up now out of nowhere, a fantasy... This is EXTREMELY hard to express, but I desperately want to grow through this so I'll say it... Suddenly I want to be a lady and I don't know how. I want to be gentle and kind and pretty. I want my feminine side to be brought out. I even wake in the middle of the night feeling like I want to be taken as a lady. OUCH! (I can't believe I let that one out.)

I've always been more boy than the boys, if you know what I mean. I've never worn dresses or talked any girl stuff, though I don't mind wearing a sexy negligee once in a while. I'm probably a classic gender-reversal, if you wanna know the truth. I actually *became* a boy when I was about 10, to keep my father happy and at bay. Dad called me Joe and introduced me as his son to everyone. I played football and baseball and the drums were OK because I was a boy.

This is scaring the crap out of me, but it's gotta be worked through. That's why I really would like to conjure up Gabriel again. Like you said, he's very gender neutral, which is good. He won't come when I'm scared, apparently. Kind of ironic. I was hoping maybe you could help conjure him up for me?

: : The tighter I get, the more fucked up my husband gets, so it's been a real challange.

: What do you mean, tighter?

I meant that the more I like myself and the stronger I get, the more obnoxious, clingy, and needy he gets. One of his big roles in my life has been to force me into victim mode; this became clear after our posts about that subject. His pattern was to periodically annoy the crap out of me by clinging so tightly that I couldn't breathe; he'd watch the most obnoxious TV shows and expect me to be interested (when he's always known I don't like TV); he'd talk about fishing until I was blue in the face, though he knew it didn't interest me. Then I'd eventually blow up. Finally, I'd feel terrible guilt and go into victim mode.

So, all this shit with him is still going on, but I'm not blowing up. I'm releasing it through drums. Now, with his nasty court battle and suspended drivers license going on, he's treating me like Mommy, and I don't like it. He wants me to love him more than ever, but he's a whiny baby. I don't feel in love with him at all.

As I feel stronger, I want him to be stronger, but it ain't going on, and I know I can't make it go on. To top it off, I have to drive him everywhere, so I rarely have a break except when I drum. Time will tell... This cannot go on forever for me.

: Ah, the Lake. That too, is Gabriel. The lake represents the unconscious.

That disappeared a few days ago, too! I've been pretty scared. But I have been seeing TONS of third eye stuff so I'm not totally closed off, I guess.

: My vision is like that too, with the colored dots. If you stare at a blank wall, sometimes they form into shapes and patterns. You can scry them like tea leaves. Projecting the content of your unconscious onto a blank wall.  

YES... when I look at a wall or ceiling I see incredible patterns and shapes. I would like to scry them like you said above. I want more clues! lol

An interesting thing happened yesterday. I finally got it up to do the Mirror Game, and I disappeared. I only saw one kind-of-a face for a second, then I blended into the background. You mentioned in the lesson that this happens to you, but shouldn't a newbie like myself see faces first?

: Yes. While I prefer for you to avoid doing healing yet, I recognise that it will likely be part of your learning curve. Wait a little longer... as you get clearer, your discernment improves.

OK.

: Two women who do not want to hear it when the Master says "I quit". The young one put on a stage play this fall, called "Driving Mistress Crazy". She is still milking drama from 3 years ago... She has been showing up at fetish parties I attend. The first time she accosted me with apologies and pleas for forgiveness, telling me how she had changed in three years. I held up my hands and laughed, telling her I have heard it all before and just want to be left alone. She seems to be doing that, since... aside from sending her friends to strike up conversations with me. Sigh. I still love them both dearly, but we are poison to each other.

I hope I don't ever come off like that to you. I really do want to become totally self- and Goddess-sufficient. I've never been one to attach to people like that. As a matter of fact, I tend to be really detached from people, in general. You're the first woman who I've totally let in to my world. I respect you and truly appreciate your lessons. That doesn't mean I want you to do my work for me. I'm just grateful you came along.

: :You earned the money I sent you, and much more with this thread, so I have no qualms about you keeping that money for services already provided.

: Thank you for being clear. I appreciate your appreciation!

I hope you won't look down on me because I asked if you could help me conjure up Gabriel again.

: Well, you could try just trusting yourself..

That's one of my affirmations! I trust myself, I trust myself, I trust myself! lol

: Yup. But stuff moves easier when there is less of your own stuff for it to get tangled in, and more energy to flush it out.
:    Blessings...
:

I agree. Therefore, I'm going to go beat my brains out, and with it, my crap!

Love,

Leslee

[Mystress]

: : Sounds like it has been very good for you.

: Yes, in a lot of ways it has been very good for me, bloody ecstasy.

: But this weird stuff's coming up now out of nowhere, a fantasy... This is EXTREMELY hard to express, but I desperately want to grow through this so I'll say it... Suddenly I want to be a lady and I don't know how. I want to be gentle and kind and pretty. I want my feminine side to be brought out. I even wake in the middle of the night feeling like I want to be taken as a lady. OUCH! (I can't believe I let that one out.)

Heh heh.. this is one of those things that has had me giggling all day. Took me 6 months to persuade my gender switched lesbian slave grrl to wear the formal length frilly pink satin princess prom dress from my tranny closet.

 I told her she had to wear it so we could play "Armand the kinky Pirate Captain and the captive Princess" and just let the idea travel around her imagination for a few weeks after she first felt my double ended strap on. 33 year old lesbian virgin, made Armand very happy.

 My double ended strap on is called "The animator" because it really helps a grrrrl to get in touch with her male side. It is made by a very imaginative company. Kind of V shaped, one end goes inside the wearer and the other end sticks up in front in a very lifelike way. (That was not the one I wore to be German Santa... to someone out there who is wondering...)

 I mentioned your story to druid over dinner, he is a cross dresser who is into leather, satin and spandex... he said lately he has had an urge to dress macho like a lumberjack or something.

 So, in a later lesson there is the instruction to cross dress to please your DB. Dressing your body up to please your DB and then handing the body over and letting It possess you. In your case, cross dressing is dressing for your gender. Doing all the girly stuff you missed out on. Rent some Garbo movies, like "Camille". "My Fair Lady" with Julie Andrews might be resonant. Practice walking in heels, with a book on your head... whatever you feel drawn to.

Garbo was one of my personal "Lady" icons, growing up. Love those Edith Head dresses! Mmmmmmm.... I have a collection of formal length evening gowns. Some were once wedding dresses, but they are so old... in tatters really, but I love how I feel when I wear them.
At the bottom of this post is a picture of a halloween costume I made this year.  

: This is scaring the crap out of me, but it's gotta be worked through. That's why I really would like to conjure up Gabriel again. Like you said, he's very gender neutral, which is good. He won't come when I'm scared, apparently. Kind of ironic. I was hoping maybe you could help conjure him up for me?

Heh. sHe wants you to conjure hem up by being Ladylike.

: : : The tighter I get, the more fucked up my husband gets, so it's been a real challange.

: : What do you mean, tighter?

: I meant that the more I like myself and the stronger I get, the more obnoxious, clingy, and needy he gets. One of his big roles in my life has been to force me into victim mode; this became clear after our posts about that subject. His pattern was to periodically annoy the crap out of me by clinging so tightly that I couldn't breathe; he'd watch the most obnoxious TV shows and expect me to be interested (when he's always known I don't like TV); he'd talk about fishing until I was blue in the face, though he knew it didn't interest me. Then I'd eventually blow up. Finally, I'd feel terrible guilt and go into victim mode.

Bwahhahahahahahaaaa!! You have a slave boy on your hands!

  Silly grrrl, he married you for that fiery explosive energy that you would only let fly when you were pushed to it and feeling like a victim. That fire is his food and you trained him to poke your buttons to get a meal whenever he needed it. Now he needs it, to help him cope with all this other crap and you are starving him with your peace.

 Ya know, Kundalini is hard on relationships, because it is hard for the other partner to keep up. You have to cut him some slack and be understanding. Communicate!

 My suggestion is radical, but I think you can handle it. You do not have to do as I suggest. Use your own discernment.

 Tell him that his whining is pissing you off and making you want to spank him, and see where it goes from there. You may find he wants his bottom to be your bongos and I think your relationship will be reborn into what it always has been, covertly.
  You can feed him the fiery drum spanking energy he loves you for, without all the co-dependent manipulation games you played with each other to get it before. Make up new, funner games.

 Slave needs to be needed, and your boy is starving and afraid you will leave him behind. You feed him, he will get stronger. You have to feed your slaves, you have to tell them that they are wonderful and they improve your quality of life. You have to show you care for them, by caring for them and also by correcting them when they displease you... because you would not take the time to train someone unless you intended to keep them around.

 Tough love can be fun if you are a sadist, dealing with a maschocist. Sure gotta be careful with discernment tho...  

: YES... when I look at a wall or ceiling I see incredible patterns and shapes. I would like to scry them like you said above. I want more clues! lol

LOL!! Wanting, creates experiences of wanting..

: An interesting thing happened yesterday. I finally got it up to do the Mirror Game, and I disappeared. I only saw one kind-of-a face for a second, then I blended into the background. You mentioned in the lesson that this happens to you, but shouldn't a newbie like myself see faces first?

Sure you will vanish, if you have been raising your vibration by drumming for 3 days.

: I hope I don't ever come off like that to you. I really do want to become totally self- and Goddess-sufficient. I've never been one to attach to people like that. As a matter of fact, I tend to be really detached from people, in general. You're the first woman who I've totally let in to my world. I respect you and truly appreciate your lessons. That doesn't mean I want you to do my work for me. I'm just grateful you came along.

Yup, you do, and it is kewl. Really, there is not much comparison. Both those women were my slaves, and in my house. slaves in a different way than I mean about your husband.

For me, when I own someone, I also own their karma... it flows to me automatically, my shakti goes to work in them to demolish any blockage just like it does in my own body, because we 2 are one. Rituals of ownership make a very close bond, and the DB respects it, and co-operates. That is, their DB shows me what they need to surrender. I follow its lead... it only looks like I am in charge.  

  With remote slaves it works the same, but a little less intense because they are not in my house. If they can hang in there and surrender everything as it comes up, with me helping, then  they can become self realized in six months.

 Slavery really does not exist in the higher charkas, and they have no more karma so... when they "graduate" my training, I turn them over to be slaves to Goddess within themselves, and She decides what they do. My beloveds, like Jasper are those whom Goddess gave back to me. We all are one, and they are always as close as my thoughts... even though Jasper has been mostly absent from the tribe for a few months... busy working.

 He is a success story. If a slave resists the clearing process.. makes their fear more important than doing as they are told, then we are both stuck, and go crazy together... and the whole Tribe gets a shaking, because we are All One.  It is a huge risk and leap of faith for me to take on a slave. I just really don't, anymore. If they turn out to be insincere in their promises of surrender then... oy. The karma flowing from the slave to me to Goddess gets backed up like bad plumbing and floods the whole Tribe.

 So, I stick with the slaves I already have and instead I take on students, and I encourage them (you) to take responsibility for their own karma, and surrender to Goddess within themselves. The process happens a lot slower, but is not nearly so hazardous.

: I hope you won't look down on me because I asked if you could help me conjure up Gabriel again.

That kind of thinking is just so silly...   In order to look down on you I would have to create separation in myself... why would I want to do that?
Blessings.