Sava's Journal

[Sava]

Thankfully, FST has inspired me to write and draw more. In the beginning of the course Mystress recommends students to keep a journal written in longhand to document their changes and experiences as they take the course. Granted, I did not start keeping one until a bit further down in the lessons. Sometimes, I create art in my journal as well. I have a quarts crystal ashtray I keep in my home, it is absolutely gorgeous. It is polished to perfection and shaped like a 3D pyramid. Imagine a full shaped pyramid that was cut into a fifth of its original size from the bottom up. With a circle cut in it to catch the ashes of various things that are burnt or smoked. I repurposed the cutout to serve as a base plate for a very simple candle I bought. It fit perfectly.
I admire how it looks on my table.
After writing in my journal for a bit one night I decided to draw the crystal and candle combination.
A man once described my art as fractal like, he said he could see fractals in it, like it was spiraling. I strive to achieve a sense of movement in my art so this was nice to hear. I tried to illustrate the energy exchange that happens when a candle burns, hence the energy field seen around the flame.
Furthermore, there is a hidden Yin Yang symbol etched in the candle wax itself in this sketch.

Above the candle reads:

Dark is necessary for light~•

I will admit, this was not intended as the title of this drawing, however, it was the last statement I wrote when I had finished writing then decided to sketch. I repurposed this blurb as the new title for my drawing and drew the squiggly line and dot for added effect. The hidden Yin Yang expresses this conceptual title very well.
Another perfect fit.

I am glad FST brought out my latent creativity again, even if it has changed form a bit. I keep my creativity alive by posting to this forum, recording my dreams and visions, documenting my progress and inferences, or doodling creatures and objects. FST has helped me be more confident in the content I create. It also improved my image of my self and others. Sometime I see others as a direct reflection of myself. They emulate the same qualities I see and admire in myself.
I can also see that where there is light shining there is shadow casting shade. An inseparable relationship.
The perceived shadow side of others is a reflection of myself. Carl Jung says that when we judge qualities in others as negative we are only judging aspects that are also a part of us. We need to embrace these darker aspects of ourselves, bring them into awareness, harness and control them to achieve enlightenment or to understand the self. To go beyond duality we need to stop judging good or bad. I believe we really live in not just a dual awareness, like light and dark, but we live in many shades of perception. Depending on how we choose to view the world with our personal lens that we give ourselves. Creating multiple different realities with every judgement we pass on events. We see the world for how we would like to. Not how it truly is.
Yin Yang expresses embracing the oneness. Light and dark as one in the same.
A non dual perspective.

Namaste.

[Sava]

Looks like I wasn't able to properly insert my image directly to the site again, it cut off most of it... Does anyone know how to post an image to this forum properly? I've seen it done before but I can't manage it haha
here is a link to the image if you like
https://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/edited-image_zpsnemktazm.png.html?sort=3&o=0

[Sava]

Hello All, just wanted to make a post announcing I am back to FST now. I took quite a long break from watching the lesson videos and stopped watching the grounding videos every morning mostly because my life has become busy. I work a full time job teaching skiing and snowboarding and it can be pretty mentally and physically exhausting. Also, I have a partner now so I have been spending a lot of free time with her. I'm not going to make excuses why I cannot find time for this course because I could have made time for it so without further Ado, I'm back!

I watched the Mirror of All That Is, lesson today for maybe the 5th time and it was great. I know this course has taken me a long time to complete partly due to procrastination but that is okay. Like Mystress, says "Fools Rush In" so taking my time is not a bad thing. Moreover, I feel like this course has so much depth that it could not be understood completely in a short amount of time. I think three years is a good start and end finish time for most students, including myself. I am not sure exactly when I started (about two summers ago) so I believe I will be around the three year mark at completion give or take a few months.

This course is very important to me and the daily groundings helped my mental state a lot. So that is why I am back. I have been working on surrender myself as well. Just in daily life and applying the lessons where they are helpful. This course has been great for me and I am glad to be back.

One thing that has been on my mind has been the amount of work I have been doing. Mystress recommends her students to try and support themselves with their own flexible job so they do not have to conform to a demanding work schedule. This way they can let mystical experience and progress flow more smoothly. This idea has become very appealing to me because I do believe my demanding schedule interferes with my ability to surrender to the Goddess and my Divine Beloved. To remedy this problem, I have started saving money recently to take some time off at the beginning of April to focus on myself and deepen my ability to surrender. I have gotten tastes of how it feels to surrender and I want that state to become more of my default setting. Life is so much easier when you let divine will take control of your life instead of free will. All of this karmic junk is surfacing that I realize I am holding onto, like desires that are ego based, beliefs, judgments ect. and I just want them all gone... "Goddess this is yours it is a gift for you, thank you for taking it"

-Sincerely, Savas

[Gopi]

Hello Sava,
Welcome back!

"I think three years is a good start and end finish time for most students, including myself. I am not sure exactly when I started (about two summers ago) so I believe I will be around the three year mark at completion give or take a few months."

Every individual's journey is different. Everyone has different life experiences and different karmic loads. The lessons are structured to provide guidance to an evolutionary process but not as set-in-stone dogma. Some individuals take more time on certain lessons because they are working through things at a pace that Goddess sees fit. Mystress recommends one lesson per week because there are some students (like me) who want enlightenment yesterday and attempt to rush through. If someone takes more than a week to *integrate* (not simply read and nod) a lesson, that is perfectly OK. You are not lagging behind. Sit with what resonates with your inner self. No need to rush.

"I have been working on surrender myself as well. Just in daily life and applying the lessons where they are helpful. This course has been great for me and I am glad to be back."

Yes. Integrating lessons into your everyday lived life based on your own experiences is Tantric practice. Once you realize your own truth based on your lived experience, other people's opinions don't matter much (except for learning more) and you lose all interest in debating to prove anything to anyone. And no one can take away your experience of truth no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise.

"I have gotten tastes of how it feels to surrender and I want that state to become more of my default setting. Life is so much easier when you let divine will take control of your life instead of free will."

Ahh... yes. The silence and peace can initially feel like depression because brain has been used to lot of ego-based-doing-activity and karma noise in the past. So silence can feel boring or even anxiety inducing at times esp. if you have had lots of drama in your life. But after some time, you ease in to the silence and then you start craving for more and more till you get absorbed completely into it. The essence of non-dulaist spirituality - you are not the thougts but the silence.

Good to have you back. And happy new year!

Namaste!
Gopi

[Sava]

Thank you Gopi, your comments are always so insightful. I will be looking for the silence today. Namaste.

[Sava]

Hello all I am on the Kundalini Psychosis lesson and wow this is powerful.  Goddess is helping me to see the perfection in all that is. I created some metaphysical sunglasses to help me see the perfection. They are made of 100% pure mirror. Whenever I put them on all my perceptions are reflected back at me. Which helps me merge into all things. Another way to do this is to flip any judgment back on yourself, for example, I see imperfection in another, I flip the same negative judgment to myself. This has helped me become acutely aware of my own ego, and how it separates me from experiencing unity. Everything I see is a mirror of my self.
This new perception of mine is small but ever powerful. I gained this insight from the Mirror of All That is lesson.
I love that lesson because it is a challenging lesson for me and it provoked a lot of karma and ego needs to surface. I am excited to see how much of my own ego I will be able to view while using my Mirror Sunglasses or New Mirrored Perception. They help me see things more clearly. I am finally seeing my SELF which is all, instead of trying to separate from my self with fear and hatred.
I just watched the Kundalini Psychosis Video and read the lesson for the first time and my feelings were validated there as well. If you think the world needs saving...you are experiencing your self, not the world. The world is perfect. Only our judgments deem it imperfect.
Maybe give the sunglasses a try if you like. Put them on and only see reality as yourself. It is a great way to merge with all things.
I hope everyone is getting rest. Take some time to yourself if need be, be a little "selfish"
-Savas

[Lelle]

Love the sunglasses trick Sava, funny and def going to try it....!!

[Sava]

I have been taking more time to write in my journal (longhand) and ground more recently. I was going through some traumatic times but I feel like I am finally back to a place that is more peaceful. Looking back upon that incident, I realize that I was struggling with the duality of scarcity and plentifulness. I victimized myself and relapsed back into an anxious state because I was worried about the plentifulness of my future.
I realize now that Goddess and my DB<3 have the best interests for me. And doubting them is showing a lack of faith in the Divine Will that I know is guiding my life. So with that being said, I was foolish to believe my life was in danger because it was not. Thank you for being with me. I have yet to create a strong connection with my higher self but my DB and I are bonding more everyday. Especially this last full moon, Her presence was strong Thank you
The more and more growth I make the more polarities are broken. For example, the polarity between scarcity and plentifulness is the more recent polarity I have been observing. When these polarities are broken I am left with nothing really. It is so hard to describe.. but after a polarity is dissolved within you it is like the space that the polarity used to take up in my psyche is no longer there. All of the worries associated with the polarity are also dissolved because the root of the issues is the polarity itself. If I cannot see scarcity nor plentifulness then everything is the exact way it should be and not somewhere in between an imaginary scale in my mind. Without polarity, the judgment scarce or plentiful is gone and I can view my world with abundance, perfectly forged for me, by Goddess.
It is kind of like the two polarities snap and disintegrate then I can view the world with less judgments resulting from the previous scale I was using. I have a feeling this is connected with the root chakra, scarcity and plentifulness. All of these polarities keep coming back to be surrendered so I can move on and have less stress. I know that every polarity in me will be dissolved as this process takes more shape until I am left without polarity, or non duality. Non duality feels like nothing... I never thought that nothing could taste so sweet.
I remember at the beginning of my awakening, I yearned for so much info, it was like I wanted all these questions answered for some reason because they would help me "understand". AS I have grown, I have moved away from this outside searching, I am starting to find what I a looking for within my own body. And to my surprise and delight, the experience I was searching for was in fact "nothing". Or the Void. Here anything is possible. Without the fear associated with wanting to know more,  am left with nothing. Or the overwhelming silence of peacefulness. Sweet surrendering
Thank you Goddess

[Gopi]

Savas wrote: "I realize now that Goddess and my DB<3 have the best interests for me. And doubting them is showing a lack of faith in the Divine Will that I know is guiding my life."
Happy for you.
Doubts are an essential and healthy part of growth.
Doubt and faith can co-exist; having doubts does not mean you are less spiritual.
Goddess gave us brains to ask questions and the universe is full of mysteries we do not understand.
Unquestioning faith leads to fascist cults and there is no need for self-flagellation about lacking in faith.
The real challenge for spiritual growth is to remain open to life despite our own fear based doubts and acquired limited beliefs.
You do not have to believe in anything in order to accept that you don't know what the next moment will bring.
Blind faith is similar to cynicism even though they may look like polar opposites - both assume you know what will happen.
Collapse the duality of belief and non-belief; all that remains is being open to life in the moment, here and now.
In the words of Maya Angelou, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

Savas wrote: " Non duality feels like nothing... I never thought that nothing could taste so sweet.
I remember at the beginning of my awakening, I yearned for so much info, it was like I wanted all these questions answered for some reason because they would help me "understand". AS I have grown, I have moved away from this outside searching, I am starting to find what I a looking for within my own body. And to my surprise and delight, the experience I was searching for was in fact "nothing". Or the Void. Here anything is possible. Without the fear associated with wanting to know more,  am left with nothing. "
So many names for this sweet 'nothing' and all those names are not enough.
Japanese Buddhists call the experience as 'satori' to refer to real nature of buddhahood as awakening to this nothingness.
Satori is not an achievement that is based on the seekers intellect or effort.
One falls into satori (or) satori falls upon them - enveloped in the peace and silence.
There is nothing more to do; nothing to say; nowhere else to be.
Just being here now.

Collapsing polarities and walking the middle path is Tantra practice.
So nice to see your growth and am happy that you feel at peace.

Namaste!
Gopi

[Sava]

I am writing this post in a grounded state because I respect my body and all of the other bodies who will be affected by my actions here on this sacred site. I’m asking Goddess for guidance and She provides, recently, I would say the past three weeks or so, I have had ear pain after flying aircraft. Today we climbed to 3000 ft for training, did some maneuvers and landings then back to home airport. I felt a pain at times but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Tonight, the pain in my ear is worse. And is and has been making it difficult for me to sleep. I suspect it is allergies and if this pain persists I will be seeing a specialist to try and get to the bottom of this.

This is very hard to admit because I could lose my career Over something like this. and I am already in debt 100,000 USD for my training and I love what I do so I do not want to give up, I would love to see this through. Goddess these worries are a gift for you, please take them, thank you.

I know that no matter what happens I will be okay. Goddess has the best most perfect plans for me. No matter what happens my true nature is divinity. When we are truly grounded there is no anxiety. No fear of the future. Goddess all I ask is a perfect surrender to your Will. I may worry from time to time but I always make it back here. However long it takes. I am actively shortening this ungrounded state due to worry. A deeply engrained pattern that I am breaking. Worry in my head now means surrender immediately. I am in reverence to this reality and will not take it for granted again by worrying. An inescapable knowing that you have me cradled in your Arms is my antidote. Your lovely limbs hold me so gently. My divine beloved holds me as does Goddess. So many limbs projected. Beautiful glowing arms wrapped around me. I’ve known this all along, life is so much easier when we just let go.

I am protected, my future is secure. Thank you Goddess for these trials and tribulations, they serve a purpose for me to surrender deeply. Even when things get tough. To trust you more. To let go of my deeply rooted anxiety that I have been struggling with for so long. To let go of the natural urge to form resistance when I label events like the ones I just laid out as misfortune. I know I am perfect and my extended self, all that Is, is perfect as well, we are the same, separateness is an illusion. I am ready to let go of that pattern. These kind of ego thought forms always make me fall off the path. But not this time. Not ever again. I choose to allow this to happen and will respond differently. Or not respond at all really. I just accept reality and allow the waves to peak and break then repeat for eternity. I feel this pain deeply, rejoice, Surrender, move on. I am releasing more karma everyday.

I am actively being more gentle with myself and being more gentle with others. Deep breathes and sincerity when dealing with others. Seeing self as not just me but Self as the whole world. My awareness expands and I get to share this precious awareness with others. Merging with all that is.

Goddess I surrender everything I can to you now, please take it, it is a gift for you

[Sava]

Ugh haven’t been getting good sleep. I’ve had to get up and pee frequently at night and it’s leaving me feeling restless during the day. I’ve been having this issue for awhile now but it’s really getting worse, sometimes I have to get up like 6 times… I really need to see a Dr.

My family is looking into getting me healthcare, I’m so tired of not having it. I did some google searches and they call this nocturia. Peeing frequently at night. Sometimes there can be an underlying cause that is more serious, but the symptoms can at least be treated with some medications.

It feels like all these symptoms and stuff going on with my body just won’t stop. I’m trying my best to address them but it’s kind of overwhelming, and the cost is too. My family is getting tired of dealing with the cost of my health. While they spend tens of thousands of dollars on home renovation they don’t need. Fuck.

Thank you for taking this Goddess, it is a gift for you, please allow me to listen to my body, and figure out what is going on.

[Sava]

I haven’t been back in years. I’ve still been doing grounding usually once a day but I knew that my grounded state was waning.

I’ve decided to start over with FST. I just started the first lesson last night. Today, I did the grounding 8 times. Very powerful. And the one breathe method when needed. Also, started my written paper and pencil journal up again. This time I will use it more frequently. I plan on posting here as well.

Was a great day. I felt more present and embodied when with others. I felt more embodied when by myself as well. I will be doing 8 times a day for the next 45 days. Maybe longer. I don’t see anything wrong with meditating 8 times a day, it’s quick and easy and enjoyable

I can’t wait to start FST over again. Maybe I’ll even finish it this time. As Godess Wills.

Thank you Goddess for a good day. Thank you Josh for having a BDay today, I was able to give you a gift and you gave me a hug. Friends are great.

I will be incorporating Retro into my daily routines, for me and retro on others, I just need to memorize the phrases.

Thank you to FST as a community well, so many great people here.

<3

[Gopi]

Happy to hear this.

Continue to practice grounding.

I wrote down retro phrases on a small notecard and keep it in my wallet.

Namaste!
Gopi

[Sava]

I've been writing more in my Journal, the pen and paper one, I'll keep the entries in that one separate more or less than this one.

I know the new FST is not finished but it looks crispy and clean, ecited for the changes to come.

I went from grounding 8x a day to 2 x a day, with 3 or more Karmic Energy Dumps a day and it seems to not be enough. I think I will try and make it more 4x a day for the grounding and 3x a day for dumps.

I've noticed I get stuck in my head quite a bit which makes me ungrounded. Basically, I find myself getting a bit too attached to my thoughts, then that either spirals into worry or overthinking. I will just come back to the breathe.

I intuitively feel that with this second go with FST the biggest change I want to make is staying grounded. I think for true progress my grounding will need to be solid, so I think upping to 4x a day will help

Im still struggling with social anxiety at times I suppose but Im honestly becoming less extroverted right now anyway. Im finding more peace within myself, being by myself, most people truly dont offer real company anyway, and I would rather just spend time with my own psyche. Friedrich Nietzsche said, "My solitude doesn't depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company".

I will be more selective on who I share time with.

Also, havent been in the best of moods due to ear pain, and severe environmental allergies. Im deathly allergic to some trees, grasses and weeds. Dr. Said it is allergies that are causing all this pain in my head and ear and to solve this Ill need to move for the time being, which I am moving to Utah, Park City, which is in the mountains, and I'll be going weekly to get the allergy shots performed to build immunity.

Ive been in pain for 4 months, due to this and lost my career as a pilot. I offered gratitude for my situation and was finally able to sell my aviation headset for $600. Thank you Goddess. I am offering gratitude again here for my recent plight. I know everything will be fine, thankfully, I am not worried despite this.

I am only open to the new possibilities and blessings I will receive. I know Goddess has me covered, So I can rest easy, of course I still have my sword sheathed, I know blind faith can be dangerous so I'm seeking the middle path between Worry and Complacency.

Thank you Goddess for the troubles.

I am going to begin using Retro on myself and others, been putting that off for a bit.

Ok I am getting a bit tired of writing here, I am going to do my first viewing of Sacredness Of Sexuality lesson tonight.

Thanks for listening, I hope the FST community is doing well <333

[Sava]

I think I might experience with a Mantra of sorts. I feel like I rush myself, which brings my mindfulness down.

I know there is the whole, "Don't tell others your intentions or they won't come true." I think that statement doesn't apply in this particular scenario.

I think I'll write this on my bathroom mirror as a reminder in the morning.


Something like

Slow Down
Breathe
Be Gentle With You
And Others
Take Your Time
Rest If Needed
Be Purposeful
Be Mindful
Be Kind
Smile
Love

[Sava]

I've made some good progress with upping the grounding to 4 times day, also, the energy dump overload as well. This morning I dumped overload for about 4 minutes, which felt great. I've been trying to hone in on listening to my body more, I notice it kind of speaks to me, sometimes I get a rush of energy and if I don't listen to my body and expel that energy then I don't feel great/ I feel backed up or restless if I don't expel that energy when it arises.
I caught a viral infection so I don't have much energy right now so I think that's it for this post.

[Mystress]

Thank you for checking in. I have been doing retro on allergies, they are actually a type of trauma response, the body responding to a threat that is not real.

Glad you are grounding more.

There is an FST grad in Utah, lives in the desert. Graduated 20 years ago. Super cool dude, we kept in touch on fb. If you like I will pass him your email, see if he is interested to meet you.

[Sava]

Well, I suppose that could be true, but I can tell you this much. My allergy symptoms are MUCH better now that I am not in Florida. And it's only been three days. Maybe my ear problem will be completely resolved in a matter of weeks, maybe months.

Doctor said it was an issue with my eustachian tube,  which is the small part of your ear that regulates pressure changes, hence why I can't fly airplanes anymore, He said my ear was visibly inflamed, and there was some fluid as well, he said it was due to severe allergies. He gave me a steroid shot in my arm and I felt better in 30 minutes. He says it'll last for three weeks so it should be wearing off sometime soon.

Looking at the issue from an energetic perspective, I certainly had the most traumatic experiences of my entire life in Florida and I developed the severe environmental allergies shortly there after. I got sick with mono and developed crippling chronic anxiety disorders about 10 years ago and that's when all the allergies started and I had to get surgery on my sinuses, which did help. Who knows...

In the meantime, I think I'll continue my immunotherapy treatments. And continue peeling away at my karma.

Yeah, that would be great. Maybe he would be interested in meeting me. I'll send you a personal message on Skype of my new email address. Or maybe I'll just update it on here.

[Sava]

I think you're probably right about the trauma response manifesting allergies. I'll meditate on it. TY

[Sava]

It just seems like there's one problem after another keep going through fucking bullshit. I've got these ingrown toenails. I've been trying everything to make them better. I start snowboard and ski instruction in three weeks so hopefully I can get them better by then. It's not I'm just gonna have to push through the pain because I don't have any money and this is the only job that I Can see myself Doing for a long time. This will be my fifth season as a full-time instructor. Goddess Please help me fucking fix this shit. Thanks for the troubles. I guess I can only really laugh at myself. Life goes on ~~~~

[Sava]

Been making good progress with social anxiety. Had a few conversations today and didn't really feel the fight or flight response.

I quit smoking cigarettes which has helped my stress levels.

Also, I haven't drank alcohol (more than one beer) in a couple weeks. I'm going to try and keep it that way because once I start drinking, it gets out of control.

Been listening to my body a lot more. Life is easier when you look towards the body for the guidance you need/instead of the mind.

I think the steroids are wearing off and my ear pain is coming back... Idk I'll just take acetaminophen and ibuprofen combined if the pain is overwhelming. My health insurance through my employer kicks in Dec 1st, and its great coverage. I'll see about finding a new primary care physician who can see me.

I talked with an older gentleman today and he said acupuncture did wonders for his allergies. Maybe I'll give that a shot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Energetically, I'm doing great I tend to be hard on myself so it can be difficult to admit that I have been prioritizing myself, and I have been doing a good job. There is a lot going on that I'm not happy with regarding my physical health, but I can rest easy knowing I am trying my best. I'm getting a bit emotional now, karma being released I think. My nose is running a bit but I'm not crying. It's about over now. It has definitely been happening more often lately, tears of joy, tears of anger/frustration, I do my best to just stay detached while allowing them to come -- then go. Also, honesty has been on my mind lately. I don't want to lie to anyone anymore. I would often lie to protect my ego from getting hurt but that never works. I'm kind of an emotional man, and being a straight male the societal pressure has always been "be a manly man" and I've succumbed to that plenty of times and denied my true self.

I find journaling here in the TeaRoom extremely cathartic. I'm so grateful for this little community. And I am grateful for my new job. Thank you Goddess for this life I live <333

[Sava]

I wrote down the 2 phrases for Retro and put them in my wallet. An unpleasant emotion arose yesterday, I couldn't find the memory but I knew intuitively it was about social anxiety. I immediately pulled out the 2nd phrase and read it to myself. It did work well.

Later in the day, a traumatic memory emerged, one that I have thought about often, when I was bullied as a kid in Highschool, I read the 1st phrase this time. It worked.

I am excited to keep using Retro when needed. I think this will be a great tool to overcome my social anxiety and generalized anxiety

I'm starting Roleplay and Responsibility tomorrow.

[Gopi]

I'm kind of an emotional man, and being a straight male the societal pressure has always been "be a manly man" and I've succumbed to that plenty of times and denied my true self.

Louise Hay suggested that allergies can be a manifestation of denying your own power when confronted with changes.
Men who deny their feminine aspects and women who deny their masculine aspects will experience negative impacts in their spiritual growth.
Also Hay suggested that ear related symptoms can be a manifestation of anger, not wanting to hear inner Guidance, and feeling out of balance with the changes surrounding you.

From a Tantra perspective, your thoughts and words have profound impact on your physical and emotional well-being.
Be compassionate in how you talk about yourself in your mind voice.
The more you take personal responsibility for your own life, the more you become powerful.
Accepting more personal power requires practicing more inner discipline.
Anyone can become powerful but very few ripen to become wise and powerful.
Knowing how to cultivate and use your personal power is wisdom.
FST is a DIY path and experience is the lab test for wisdom.

I am excited to keep using Retro when needed. I think this will be a great tool to overcome my social anxiety and generalized anxiety

Happy to hear this and thank you for sharing valuable feedback about your progress.
Feedback based on personal experience is very helpful for research.
Anxiety can be caused by many things - diet, trauma, empathy overload, etc.
Anxiety gets triggered when we are unable to trust the process and life and want to control based on our expectations.
We try to control what is beyond our control and then freak out about being out of control.
There is a quote by Corrie Ten Boom that I like to use as reminder for myself - "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."
Also, the Christian serenity prayer can be helpful as well "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

There is good fear and bad fear, in a manner of speaking.
Good fear is what protects us from danger and can make us feel alive.
For example, trying something new can be scary and exhilarating fun.
Bad fear is what prevents us from living truthfully and can make us feel paralyzed.
For example, fear of rejection and shame can make us feel miserable and alienated from everyone.

We are human and we can still have creative fears when our surrender is not complete.
As Mystress says, Goddess has it handled.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Namaste!
Gopi

[Sava]

Thank you Gopi for the kind words.

I have accepted that the ear pain is something I cannot change. And I am learning to accept that there are just some things I cannot change. My declining health I cannot directly change. All I can do is continue taking great care of my body and speaking/thinking positively about all that has happened to me recently.

I cannot control how others will perceive me, I can only be myself and take all the fire and flames that come with it. Instead of trying to appease others. I'm learning to just accept myself for who I am and leaving the rest behind. "Growth" sometimes feels like the word wrong to describe my process of surrender. It feels more like a reductive process, layers of my ego being pulled away to reveal who I truly am ~~

On a different note, I really do love my job. I love teaching people how to snowboard, it is so rewarding when people learn because of me. I take great care of my students and it really shows in their progress. Often I find myself so happy on the mountain, where I'm naturally smiling. I am so grateful for my position.

Training for my next level of certification begins soon. We have the option to attend "clinics" with a trainer on off days or after work to prepare for the next certification. I really do love learning all of the technical skills and people skills associated with being a Snowboard Instructor.

I've noticed people treat me differently when I'm grounded, especially women, I find they smile at me more.

I stopped watching porn and masturbation is much better now. I don't feel guilty or ashamed afterwards.

I used to have a lot of great sex in the past and while it was very sensually pleasureful, I never really found a deep connection with those women. For my next sexual relationship, I am going to be more picky about who I share myself with. I want my next intimate relationship to be with a woman who is spiritually awakened, someone I really connect with, respect and care about.

I guess I would be open to a relationship but I honestly am a bit more interested in getting back in touch with my DB. I used to get fantastic visions of Her at the beginning of my awakening but have lost touch as the years progressed. Maybe this is because I am starting to stabilize. In the beginning it was like ebbs and flows, now when I am grounded in daily life, weeks feel live a river flowing steadily. Life feels like a series of circles that I am surrounded by and influencing. It is hard to describe but is very tranquil. I am becoming more stable, in every aspect of living, work flows smoothly, relationships, short encounters.

I'm looking forward to getting to progressing with FST and getting back in touch with DB (Her) and my Higher Self (He) in the meantime. I am going to start Roleplay and Responsibility tonight hopefully.

[Gopi]

I'm learning to just accept myself for who I am and leaving the rest behind. "Growth" sometimes feels like the word wrong to describe my process of surrender. It feels more like a reductive process, layers of my ego being pulled away to reveal who I truly am ~~

Hehe... snake molting dead skin.
Goddess path is cyclical - moon cycle - wax and wane.
Old ego self gets ripped apart to make space for new self which will be shed once its purpose is completed.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Crown chakra is often described as 1000 petal lotus which is a metaphor for 'ever blossoming' learning through Higher guidance.
In the K-path, learning happens throughout our life and through surrender we are continually evolved in ways that Goddess sees fit for us.
We cannot always make sense of why we are going through an experience immediately.
Complete surrender means we do not have to understand everything.
You lay all your worries at Goddess' feet and it's Hers to deal with.

The basics of FST daily spiritual practice is actually simple (but powerful) once you develop it as a habit: dump overload, ground, do retro, read FST lesson, eat healthy, get some exercise, have some artistic outlet, be kind to your body, and practice gratitude every time you worry about future.
If you are having a bad day, then just ground, practice gratitude, and do what feels good for your body (even if that means just being couch potato for a day).

On a different note, I really do love my job. I love teaching people how to snowboard, it is so rewarding when people learn because of me. I take great care of my students and it really shows in their progress. Often I find myself so happy on the mountain, where I'm naturally smiling. I am so grateful for my position.
Training for my next level of certification begins soon. We have the option to attend "clinics" with a trainer on off days or after work to prepare for the next certification. I really do love learning all of the technical skills and people skills associated with being a Snowboard Instructor.
I've noticed people treat me differently when I'm grounded, especially women, I find they smile at me more.

So happy to hear this.
When you do what you love, you shine brilliantly and others get attracted to that shiny happy energy.

When we are grounded, we are less likely to hanker for other peoples attention.
When we are grounded, we don't act desperate and clingy.
When we are grounded, we don't have to use manipulation to get other peoples attention or admiration.
When we are grounded, we are less likely to be swayed by other peoples emotional influences and remain true to ourselves.
When we are grounded, we do not have to give in to feeling threatened by or jealous of other peoples achievements.
When we are grounded, we do not have to remain bound by fear of failure.

So it is not surprising that people respond more positively towards you when you are grounded.
Those who want the peace of grounding will be drawn towards you when you remain grounded.

I guess I would be open to a relationship but I honestly am a bit more interested in getting back in touch with my DB. I used to get fantastic visions of Her at the beginning of my awakening but have lost touch as the years progressed. Maybe this is because I am starting to stabilize. In the beginning it was like ebbs and flows, now when I am grounded in daily life, weeks feel live a river flowing steadily. Life feels like a series of circles that I am surrounded by and influencing. It is hard to describe but is very tranquil. I am becoming more stable, in every aspect of living, work flows smoothly, relationships, short encounters.

Erotic energy expresses itself in many ways and does not always need a sexual release.
I used to get worried about the ebb-and-flow my sexual libido.
Mystress then explained to me that erotic energy will flow wherever creative work is needed.
So sometimes I will feel asexual (and usually means I am very passionately invested in some creative project).
Then my libido comes back after some time on its own and I feel like a teen again. LOL.
Sexual libido also depends on external things like stress, diet, medication, and sleep.
Anyway.. it is normal for sexual libido to ebb and flow during K process.

Here is a Tantra ritual for men I learned from Mystress.
Men can masturbate and shoot their seed aimed at the fiery crystal of the Earth.
You can physically spill seed on ground (assuming you are in private and not breaking local laws) or just imagine shooting your seed into the fiery crystal of the Earth.

Happy to hear your progress.
Have a lovely day.

Namaste
Gopi