Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[TheFifth]

Definitely in expansion mode it seems, and the onus seems to be on me to accommodate. The issue, more than ever before, is an astonishing surplus of energy. My options seem to be a. Dumping overload regularly and b. To grow to accommodate these energy levels. Some combination of the two seems to be the way forward. Noticeable increase in radiance.

What I wonder is, is there a cap to how much wider this river gets? The appetite of my vortex is ferocious and the net result is this incredible power coursing through me. 

[Gopi]

TheFifth wrote: "What I wonder is, is there a cap to how much wider this river gets?
I have restarted the new FST course.
In the course intro, Mystress says:
"The intention of the Shakti of information is, "To each according to their need and ability to recieve, and not more than they can handle."
Based on my Hatha yoga practice, I have observed that body requires time to heal and grow.
Many times when I surrender something for clearance, I will become physically tired and have to nap.
Sometimes I also get ravenously hungry and need to eat nutritious and delicious food.
Body needs time to readjust and replenish when shifts in energy occur.
As your energy vibration increases, you also have very narrow tolerance for error and cannot afford to make too many mistakes (although Goddess shows mercy).
This means if I hold on to self-doubt or negative emotions, my body will take huge hits - first warning is stiff muscles; aches like a mofo.

Mystress has repeated that FST is body first path.
We learn to listen to our body (discernment) and honor our body's wisdom.
When I do my yoga, I have noticed blockages disappear without intentional effort from me and I would suddenly get a sense of clarity.
Indian sage Patanjai who is hailed as one of the greatest authors of classical Yoga texts was also a grammar scholar and a physician.
Patanjali's practice of yoga connects mind, speech, and body.
Mystress has emphasized the power of thought, word, and action.
My opinion is that, there is no 'cap' when you are merged into higher consciousness through surrender but the body reminds you that there are limits.

[TheFifth]

Yeah the issues in me that have been impeding me are responding better now to surrender. Before, it felt all entrenched and intertwined with a bunch of other stuff, difficult to tease out, overwhelming. Now, I feel it move up and out. The idea of no cap before felt daunting but if I keep clearing it should = more bliss.

[TheFifth]

Keep being brought back to this deep healing work. If I go a few days without doing a deep healing on someone the listlessness returns. I think I really internalized the “Goddess within” focus and the idea of doing healings on others regularly is just new. It’s almost like the motives are selfish enough as to eliminate any possible projections on my part of need for fixing. Feeling happy and healthy is one heck of a motivator.

The going back in time to be present with someone at their points of trauma seems very effective. I know I mentioned before it felt like too much work but honestly it kind of just happens almost effortlessly if I’m attuned.

[TheFifth]

One of my clients seems to be undergoing kundalini awakening, describing it as an opening that he feels he has prayed for on some deep level, but a lot more than bargained for. Hard to say if seeing me was catalytic or if he found / was guided to me as the therapist who may be able to understand this particular event. Onset was fairly recent and I’ve noticed my other sessions are intensifying now that I’m getting clear and feeling charged up. Seems Goddess in him has it handled and seemed to be speaking to me through him.

Interesting stuff seems afoot.

[TheFifth]

The whole Muktananda shaktipat thing isn’t of particular interest to me, and, in fact, the energy is something I’d prefer to keep inward but I suppose sometimes it’s beyond my will. I’m wondering if the healing did it, and, if this is the case, if I need to develop a cleaner method...

[TheFifth]

Seems after one of these feeding healings more karma flows my way which my vortex is referring to as “seconds.” With the seconds, grounding seems to take primacy.

[TheFifth]

Coinciding with all of this, my physical appetite has seemingly dropped to a quarter of what it was. Thought maybe there was something wrong. Maybe just getting vitality on other ways now...

[TheFifth]

To cap off this particular burst of thoughts, I think a big area of growth for me is embracing experiences as they are. They just are.

[TheFifth]

So the biggest thing I’ve gleamed from all of this is basically, more often than not, too much energy and overload is the issue for me, so it would seem dumping overload and staying in body is the single most helpful thing. The overload was there for years at levels I could manage but counseling a full caseload full time and all that extra energy coming in threw me into really difficult overload states. I kept wondering, am I so tired and unfocused because I’m not eating enough? Looks like it’s the opposite in some ways.

Sooo, dumping overload may just be a permanent fixture of my daily routine. May or may not have been the Earth communicating but I had the impression a few days ago of it being a “collaborative relationship.” I just have, all this dang paperwork to get caught up on after that burnout stupor. Finally, though, seem to have found the solution.

[TheFifth]

So this might be some kind of cheat code I’ve discovered but I’ve found that when I utilize binaural beats ostensibly designed to promote theta waves I’m able to access my creative brain and really begin moving this energy into my creative projects without feeling so stuck. I feel kinda high honestly and on fire with inspiration that’s actually good quality.

[TheFifth]

Re establishing connection with the soul spark seems to be helping with more sustainable balancing. Seems to require fair deal of persistence and in the past I’d usually give up if I didn’t see rapid improvement. Somewhere in me is a vibrant, joyous person who wants to savor and really live life to the fullest.

I don’t know if it was how I was raised - always moving, no supervision or responsibility - but I just can’t seem to commit to anything. Whether it’s a place, or even people, everything feels so subject to change and for the longest time I projected callousness on other people, when in reality, I was just deeply estranged from myself.

Anyway, let’s see if I can stick with this. 30 minutes of surrendering after waking and before bed, souls meditation 5x daily, and feeding as invited.

[TheFifth]

Well, seems I’ve shifted into a new reality of sorts. Lots of magical energies and things happening. I think the prognosis that there’s be a training period was spot on. I seem to be in the process of being taught how to communicate with Goddess better in reality and others. Had an experience channeling angels and a departed loved one of someone who was recently steered my way, pretty incredible experience. Kind of become a lightening rod for miracles.

There’s this sort of, confidence, that’s come over me. Never felt this before. It’s like I know what I have to do, even if I don’t exactly know what it is. It’s a nice change.

[TheFifth]

Thought I was just lapsing into some kind of delusions about getting “help from on high” with the music but turns out it’s really happening and, on top of that, my very survival seems tied to music making regularly. No wiggle room here and I cannot walk away from it. Bad idea. I don’t know if the band is even what the plan is ultimately, or if this has all been about experience and finding my own voice.

Must surrender outcomes or even attachment to the ideas. They’re marvelous though, and I cannot entirely take credit for it. But I think it’s to be expected that something  is going to be good when there’s an imperative to do it.

I should really stop underestimating the acuity and accuracy of my perceptions and ideas. Clearly onto something, still feeling my way through the dark, but cool stuff is afoot.

[TheFifth]

I was wondering for some time why I feel in many ways so socially disengaged and why, for some reason and in some ways, I’m so rigid and tone -deaf to things right under my nose and then I realized that on top of everything, I think I’m grokking the fact that I do in fact seem to be an Aspie. It’s weird because, in some ways I’m sooo damn good at reading and relating to people, but in others I literally feel like I exist in my own universe with interests upon which I hyper fixate. I suppose, it comes down to where my interests are.

Reading interviews with people like Henry Rollins - how his entire life is organized around his creative pursuits - makes me feel somewhat less alone and defective. The hyper focus means I’m either brilliant or complete moron on any given day, or in any given situation. Extreme performance and achievement on one hand, or utter failure on the other, there’s no middle ground for me. I’ve always been my own biggest liability and to the extent that I’ve accumulated any place or personal capital in this world, it’s been by hacking myself in some way or form. Cant break my addiction to cheat codes. I suppose because they felt necessary for so long.

Anyway. I’m an extreme person. Maybe a little exhibitionistic. Definitely obsessive.  I don’t read much into astrology, but I fit my Aries description. I’ve just had this wet blanket around me, these fucking chains, these shackles on me for so many years. That depressive person, isn’t me. Cant get those years back, but can change the way I encounter the present. All of these things, make me a performer at heart, a musician. I’ve realized I have aptitude for this, and a compelling story to tell. I just feel like I’m realizing this relatively late and after having invested so much time in a variety of other pursuits.

And, in some ways, was probably for the best, to have some of these capacities and traits - this psycho-dynamism - locked away until I could responsibly channel it artistically.

I’ve just, built this life around mere financial survival and workarounds for my motivational deficits and depressive tendencies but, as I more connect with who I am, is this even me? I underachieve, let things slide, overachieve in some specific domains or when I get pissed off enough about being written off or underestimated. Somewhat paradoxically, my trait openness to experience seems very high and at my worst I feel like I’m utterly undefined, without direction, and that I reinvent myself almost daily. There’s serious risk, serious liability there, not having a direction, consistency, or, at worst, mere coherence. I suppose, that’s the leaf thing. Need more presence.

What a puzzle I am, so full of surprises, paradoxes and curveballs.

[TheFifth]

Funny, I genuinely gave up on all of this and myself and now I realize, I can grow to no longer be so centered around and focused on myself. Feels important, like a leap. Grateful for what feels like a genuine transmutation that's taken place.

"Loneliness is generally a lack of interest in others." Forgot where I read something to this effect, but feels pertinent to where I was.

Lots more going on thats...hard to articulate. Positive shifts.

[Mystress]

 You gave up? How so?

  You have been quiet, so has everyone.  I had a problem with chrome crashing and eating posts... discouraging. Usually I use a text editor.

  The aspie thing, I dunno. That is for a professional to evaluate.

  I spent the first 4-5 months of 2021 feeling... not antisocial exactly but very introverted and unmotivated. Just, blah and I sort of flowed with it, let it run its course.  Goddess always throws me a rope eventually, like it is the very nature of the Vajra Diamond to return to clarity.   We are like miners, when we descend it is to dig up treasure.

  This time the rope was pure braided platinum and I am having issues with unworthiness that bring tears. Emotional release is healthy, and I know that is all it is. Just stuff. 

  Some of it was just defeated stubbornness. Eleven fricking years of menopausal BS when does it end? WTF is the point? Kind of like going on strike lol. (I still checked the tearoom several times a week like always.)

  There is an inuit story of a Sea God and a big rock on the shore. If an inuit gets very stuck, if the tribe is in deep trouble you go to the big rock and start tapping on it with a smaller stone... for days... until the Sea God rises up and demands the tapping stop! Then the inuit tells the Sea God they cannot stop because of the problem, and the Sea God gives a solution, just to get some peace.

Given how fast one finger tapping self hypnosis can send one into a deep state I can just imagine how tapping for days, without eating or sleeping would open some doors of the mind! I also, equally believe in the Sea God. Respect for all the Gods.

  So it was like that but not like that... just worn out and needing some clarity, direction. Wow did I get insights, blew my mind so completely I dunno whether to laugh, cry or puke... but the answer is 'none of the above' because emotions are bullshit ego drama. and the point of the insight is to be done with all of it.

Seems impossible given my disabilities but I am open to miracles. What Goddess wants. 

   What ever the inuit person feels, worry, hunger, thirst, fatigue... they do not let it interfere with tapping the stone. Those guys... have the patience and focus to sit for hours or days on the ice, watching for a feather above a hole in the ice to flutter so they can harpoon a seal.

I know people who cannot stand to be alone with their thoughts for five minutes and have had those moments myself, especially the emotion storms of menopause fueled pms rage grows into a monster if fed with attention. Surrender doesn't help much when hormones have taken over. Distraction, until it passes and then forensic the bones. "This too shall pass" and in the meantime there is netflix and chill. Better than accidentally cursing someone with my angry victim hormone fired delusions.

  I am in favour of your discovery and it is one ascended people come to eventually, with experience, and I dunno how to teach it better than I already have:

  The world, tells you emotions are important, that you need to honour and obey them and that represents being true to yourself. It is BS, and especially bad advice for very empathic ascended shaman vampire types who are constantly bombarded with emotions that are not even our own.... and for awakened people, feeling emotions that are of the past and not of the moment, acting on them makes disasters. It is often best to simply ignore them instead of feeding them or resisting them.

  If it is your job to help others with their emotions, is it not better to get your own feelings out of the way? Selfless listening. Set aside what you feel, be there for them. Get rewarded on many levels. That is the job you were designed for? Goddess brings them. The more you can stay out of your own way, the easier it gets. Same for your own feelings. As an empath, you cannot tell which are your own anyway so don't empower any but the bliss of the art, being the vessel.

  Ascended, the inside and outside are the same and feeding the bullshit makes you go there. Surrender can look like resistance. Giving zero fucks about your own feelings (except for sensations of discernment talking) is a kind of unconditional acceptance that lets them flow through without resistance.

  Stick with the discipline, the art and the soul energy. Grounding, etc.

   Emotions are bullshit, most of the time they are just karma noise trying to work its way out, mine or somebody else's and sometimes the quickest way to shift them is to not give them any power. Feed them to the vortex, surrender them, transmute them with the heart chakra, accept them, breathe into them ... or learn to ignore them and do the right thing anyway.  Sometimes just ignoring them works best of all, for the ascended and empathic. 

  My man used to complain I do not respect his emotions. I used to get defensive, feeling accused of being hard-hearted when I am actually so empathic.

  Then one time I just looked at him, exasperated and said, "Who do you think you married? I don't even respect my own emotions! For an empathic healer, emotions are just energy stuff to be cleared, not respected!" (This was before I ate his depression.) I reached into him and pulled some of the butt-hurt out of his power chakra, and the grief from his heart, fed it to the faeries. he looked surprised, feeling the shift. I pointed out I had been pulling depressive feelings out of him every day since 1996. Why would I respect his emotions when I can take out the trash or his crazy, and we both feel better?

  With depression, being slave to the emotions is part of the crazy. Respecting and believing the feelings makes the illness worsen. Asking me to be slave to them too, is nonsensical.

  Yet at the same time, in the time since the depression resolution what has come up for me is how many times I altered myself to adapt to living with his. Reclaiming parts of myself I gave away for the sake of peace. Decompressing.

  It is those who are most afraid of mental illness, I think, become the worst emotional hypochondriacs, obsessing and worrying about what they feel. Obsessing is not the same as letting go.

  They say courage is not an absence of fear, it is accepting the fear, and acting anyway. Rising above it. Fear gets zero fucks.

  Emotions, come and go: we remain. The still point at the eye of the storm. 

[TheFifth]

Good stuff. I’m realizing my puzzle is more complex than I realized. The allergies, the general highly sensitive person / HSP stuff. I feel like my aura picks up everything, beyond just human emotional detritus. Cutting myself more slack. I try to do-do-do like a good Westerner and sometimes I have to just be.

Diet must be modified, cutting out wheat and other offenders. I suffer from pallor and always have, I suspect low iron. Sometimes, awareness feels very dim and it makes me wonder, nutritional deficiency, or am I actually a sang? I damn well hope not.

[TheFifth]

Yeah my issue is lingering sticking points. Being accused of being cold and detached are all things I relate to and I honestly thought for the longest time I was a sociopath and felt terrible and depressed about it, but I don’t think that’s the case; I just detach out of survival necessity (and I don’t think a sociopath would reflect on and feel terrible about being a sociopath, lol). And I don’t think a sociopath would have gone into my line of work. I think I’m also conflating this with my “demonic splinter” which actually has been pretty quiet for the past year.

Sometimes I feel like I process life and human interaction too deeply for my own good; like, lately I’ve been hyper aware of how humans experience life and interaction in terms of narrative and like, is this the only possible mode of being to be stuck in? And reciprocity, if people always expect actions to be reciprocated, is it truly love? I just feel like I’m unplugged from some kind of matrix but I’m somewhere “off the map” where I fixate on off the wall details. Just, too “meta” lately, feeling like I’m always outside rather than in. .

But yeah, tremendous amounts of empathy can create a paradoxical face to others. Maybe I am fairly absorbed in creative pursuits over relationships right now. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s even subject to change. The creative pursuits don’t feel about me, though, and I’m many ways the whole thing has been “eyes and hands” and all the joy that goes along with the discovery and creation. I try so hard to be a good and loving person and I think I get lost in the trying, running from the negative self judgments. In many ways though I think I’m just following my bliss and I do feel the gravitational pull of my soul, pulling me to keep on with the music, especially. Such joy.

Anyway, yeah, I still get transfixed on feeling shitty about myself. I suppose the depressive proclivity will always be there but I can chose not to become captive/captivated by it. Gender identity stuff lately too, thinking, feeling and even emanating energy like I’m female. I’m sure there’s a whole tunnel I could get lost in reflecting on that matter when I could just let it be and not worry about it. I suppose it’s just hard that society has these ideals of what masculinity is and I really don’t and never did give a hoot either way. But then why do I still care about conforming? I can’t, it’s just not me.

I’m just so dang neurotic sometimes like everyone on my father’s side, worried about what others think of me to the point of reticence. Or earlier today, someone stole an important nutritional package delivered to my door and I get so dang angry and vindictive. It’s like every trauma and everything I’ve ever been through is flash-activated in that instant. Not a big deal. Gotta practice just letting go. The flashes of rage are sorta new, though. I never used to get mad regardless of circumstances. Probably a signal of emotional muddiness. I’m being told rn, put it into music. Will do.

I think I understand better, or grok better this healthy witnessing of emotional states and thoughts. They’re so dang captivating though and I fall and fall off the saddle.

[Gopi]

Even though Tearoom has been quiet lately, when people post stuff here, it is insightful and helpful for me (and I suspect I am not the only one who benefits from having a sense of community here).

Becoming numb and apathetic is a survival/mercy mechanism - sort of an in-built safety valve so that empaths do not go completely insane with other people's stuff.
I have always been very good during emergency situations when everyone around me falls apart.
My emotional numbness allows me to snap into focus about practical stuff during emergencies that needs to be done.
My depression is my 'heavy gift' from Goddess that allows me to be the 'sane' person during 'insane' scenarios.
Because I have personally experienced pain/loneliness through my depression, I have become more compassionate towards myself and others.

The problem with depression is that it is comfortable to stay in your dark emotionally numb hole.
It is scary to climb out of that dark familiar hole, risky to open yourself again to the possibility of getting hurt, and not easy to get past your own fears especially with trauma.
It is safe to be numb but feelings are a package deal - you block the negative, you block everything.
When we are emotionally numb, we go through the motions without participating in life and so everything feels stale.
Favorite food, favorite music, favorite places, favorite people - none of it gives you joy because being numb blocks both good and bad (good and bad are judgment labels that rational minds feels compelled to put on our experiences).
Also, by building a protective fortress of numbness, we become insulated - nothing new enters and what is inside, gets trapped into loops.

Feeling sad and crying is beautiful because you are able to feel and allow things to flow.
When I am numb, I watch/read disturbing things to see if there is anything in me that flinches (I do NOT recommend this if you are already struggling with mental health issues).
One of the most disturbing and poignant movies that I have watched is 'Requiem for a Dream' (originally written as novel by Hubert Selby Jr.).
I watched in 2008 and it left me shattered and pushed me into a downward spiral of depression for several months.
It is a powerful piece of art that haunts me even after several years when I hear the soundtrack.
I am glad that I watched it but I do not want to watch it again.
It took me almost 13 years to be brave enough to read another book by Hubert Selby Jr.
I read the novel 'The Room' by Hubert Selby Jr. this summer because I finally felt stable and brave enough to take a peek at the darkness.
It is a very difficult and disturbing book to read for various reasons.
It is about a man who is locked up in a jail cell  - "a nameless petty criminal locked in a remand cell, and explores his feelings of impotence, hatred and rage, and fantasies of revenge"
The entire plot hangs on this tension of a man being wrongfully imprisoned and his vengeful rage at the world.
Here's an excerpt from an interview with Hubert Selby Jr. about 'The Room'.

HS: He progresses further into his own hate. Hate is self-destructive. The price of hating others is loving yourself less. His self-esteem has gone down. Hate is chewing up any touch of humanity that’s left. Underlying his hate is guilt. Sexual, religious guilt, which you see in his fantasies. You also have a third thing in there where memory and fantasies intertwine and even he doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t true. Memory is like that after a while. What is real and what isn’t real begin to get intertwined with fantasies. Truth becomes almost non existent. The tragedy of this man is that he has found himself guilty. That’s why we don’t know whether he’s legally guilty or not, because he has found himself guilty. So, after a while, as I said before, the only source of energy for hate is oneself. And he is so chewed up with his hate, which comes from his guilt, that he is running out of energy. But I am not suddenly going to pop in the book and say, “Look, he’s found himself guilty.” What he does is that he runs out of his ability to defend himself because of that guilt, So that even in his fantasies he can’t continue the pose.

JOB: By the end of the novel he comes to accept the guilt, whereas up until then he has been blaming everyone except himself.

HS: Right. He has run out of sources to blame.

JOB: But in accepting the guilt, he destroys himself.

HS: That’s why when the jail door opens, you don’t know whether he’s going to prison or whether he’s free. It doesn’t make any difference because, even if they let him loose, he’s a prisoner of himself and his guilt.

JOB: But you do not see these characters, either the one in The Room or those in the other novels, as abnormal or psychotic.

HS: No. No. No. Every one of those characters is within me and everyone else. In you, my wife, my children. To varying degrees. I don’t see them as psychotic. I see them as tragic, but I don’t see them as psychotic. I think of them as people. And I am starting to understand them better now and am beginning to realize that they are just doing the best they can with what they have, And they believe that they are doing what they should. That’s the tragedy of it. The tragedy of these people is their lack of vision.

JOB: I’ve tried to find a relationship in The Room between the character’s past and present, but I cannot find one. What I am looking for are the causes for his present condition. Yet, he seems to have had nothing horrible happen to him; his mother loved him, he had a girlfriend, and so on.

HS: But it’s what he makes of these experiences that matters.

Source: A Conversation with Hubert Selby By John O’Brien, The Review of Contemporary Fiction, Summer 1981, Vol. 1.2 - https://www.dalkeyarchive.com/a-conversation-with-hubert-selby-by-john-obrien/

TheFifth wrote: " I try so hard to be a good and loving person and I think I get lost in the trying, running from the negative self judgments."
I think that people who are socially marginalized generally have the added pressure of being a 'model minority' all the time.
It is easy to internalize an inhumane standard of perfection as the basic requirement for survival - unless I am perfect, I am not good enough to exist.
When you have been socially marginalized as 'lesser' somehow because of who you are, the reactive instinct is to prove you are better.
Almost all of my early career achievements happened as 'Fuck you!' to people who doubted my abilities.
Everyone around me told me that I should be very proud of my achievements but I did not feel happy because those were not things I wanted for myself but things I did to prove others wrong.
Also, expecting perfection is very arrogant and lacks humility.
Humans learn by making mistakes and all humans have limitations.
The more grounded I am, the less I worry about other peoples opinions of me.
The hamster wheel of 'continuous self-improvement' can also become an ego trick to escape being in the present - nothing is ever good enough and happiness is always postponed into the future.
I think I posted this already but re-sharing one of my favorite clip from Frasier - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CNmrUMS5FQ


TheFifth wrote: "Gender identity stuff lately too, thinking, feeling and even emanating energy like I’m female. I’m sure there’s a whole tunnel I could get lost in reflecting on that matter when I could just let it be and not worry about it. I suppose it’s just hard that society has these ideals of what masculinity is and I really don’t and never did give a hoot either way. But then why do I still care about conforming? I can’t, it’s just not me."
I can relate with you on this.
There are some people who respond well to my feminine side and some others who do not.
I do not look stereo-typically feminine and am happy being a bearded man.
When someone is uncomfortable with their own feminine side, then they become uncomfortable in my presence (internalized hatred gets triggered).
For instance, many gay men grow up internalizing fears about not being 'man enough' and therefore some of them become performers of hyper masculinity.
When it is a carefully rehearsed performance to please others, you become very obsessed about maintaining appearances and paranoid about anything that might disturb your projected image.
A gay man who is comfortable with his own feminine side becomes confrontational to their internalized 'femme-phobia'.
Sometimes women who are raised in patriarchal households will become enforcers of patriarchy by criticizing other women who dare to challenge norms.
There were some Jews who became Kapos (prison functionary) turning against others prisoners and becoming faithful servants of Nazi regime because they personally benefited from it.
Being socially marginalized and oppressed can make someone turn against what they have been taught to fear and hate (Jew/women/gay/disabled,etc) thereby making it easier to justify their own cruelty.
In their world, respect and dignity is reserved for the 'right kind of' gay man/ woman / immigrant / disabled / poor person and therefore they should continuously distinguish themselves from the rest by proving something.
Internalized homophobia leads gay men to say things like 'I am not like other gay men' as a manner of defining themselves.
Internalized misogyny leads women to say things like 'If she did not dress like a whore, others would respect her'
Never question the oppressive system but safely signal that you can be trusted because you are not like 'those other' people.
Never fight for equality but only ask that you get your share of the privilege by oppressing others.


TheFifth wrote: "The flashes of rage are sorta new, though. I never used to get mad regardless of circumstances. Probably a signal of emotional muddiness."
It could also be hunger.
Check if you are hungry when you get mad.
Hope some of this rambling was helpful.

HUGS
Gopi

[Mystress]

Being accused of being cold and detached are all things I relate to

  For sure. ADHD, emotional intensity can knock me right out of body into witness and I might not notice the change. Witness is unconditional love but completely emotionless and unsympathetic, nothing sugar coated like people expect. Tends to be interpreted as anger, via text.

   Good managers are told to wrap a criticism between two compliments. Heard it nicknamed a shit sandwich. Witness does not engage such social manipulations. Some see it as all shit and no sandwich.
Truth can be an unwelcome offering. It all comes down to trust.

I think I’m also conflating this with my “demonic splinter” which actually has been pretty quiet for the past year.

  You were in the test group for the splinter integration, got some decrease of allergy effects. Maybe splinter is gone now?

BTW, MSM aka organic sulphur for allergies. Buy the bulk powder online, tastes awful but dissolving in cold lemonaid and using a straw to bypass your taste buds helps a lot. I buy frozen pink lemonaid, take a spoonful out of the can to mix with water and put the rest back in the freezer.

Anyway, yeah, I still get transfixed on feeling shitty about myself. I suppose the depressive proclivity will always be there but I can chose not to become captive/captivated by it.

  They are just emotions, and emotions are just stuff.

  Did you ever consider, some of that stuff might not be yours? Usually we take ownership to get power via responsibility, to transmute or surrender but do a thought experiment: what if none of these insecure, depressive, negative self talk shitty feelings are really yours? What if they are like a coat you borrowed to fit in with a crowd of other insecure negative self talk people, and you wore it for so long  you forgot it is borrowed, not yours? 

  The rocks only show at low tide. When you are muddy, low energy. When the tide is high, you have all the confidence eh?

I think I understand better, or grok better this healthy witnessing of emotional states and thoughts. They’re so dang captivating though and I fall and fall off the saddle.

Yea you are getting it. We all fall off. Accept that too. Is ok to be human, eh? Even for vampires.

  This whole, cauncel culture thing. I have a different take. They say genius and insanity are two sides of the same coin, I say, they just go together.  The greater the gift, the bigger the genius, the more likely there will be something 'off' about them.  Can you think of a genius who is not a bit cuckoo or pervy?

  Tesla fell in love with a pigeon. Einstein did not learn to speak until he was five and had problems with shoelaces. Lewis Carrol liked to photograph prepubescent girls naked... a common Victorian hobby but what happened to move Alice's family to ban him from seeing her?  Disney was so uptight about sex, none of his cartoon characters have children. The most brilliant comedians are often suicidally depressed.  The list goes on and on. Even ADD is referred to as artist-genius disorder, like being gifted and losing executive function go hand in hand.

  You are gifted, and so you are also a bit strange and messed up just like all the other gifted people including myself.
   Unconditional self acceptance. Goddess sees you as perfect. Does your opinion really matter?  

 

[TheFifth]

I think everything’s tying together. “Fear gets zero fucks” was exactly what I needed to hear, I think I get it now. I finally feel free and surfing. This feels like, perhaps, the biggest breakthrough I’ve had since coming here. This is pretty incredible, the synchronicities and “life taking” to me. I feel perfectly at ease that all is well. And yeah, genius, whatever that is, and inspiration  seem to flow through me, effortlessly and joyously.

Yeah, I was, for the longest time, on a treadmill to prove all the people who judged, doubted or condemned me wrong. It was a very painful place to be because they all have a piece of you and some small part of you believes their judgments were valid. Why else would it stick? 

The splinter seems gone, integrated - whatever. There was something very callous, proud and diabolical in me then I had a shameful part counteracting it but it all seems quiet now. He used to lash out at people who got close to me, made me wonder like, “dang, what’s that all about?” I isolated because I felt people too deeply and also because of the splinter. I feel like in the past week I’ve found my heart again, my concerns about myself were allayed as if it was an answer to a question and I’m realizing just how pleasant human life can be. What a strange malaise it was.

This place is so amazing and I’m so glad I found it. So happy to be here. Much love to everyone and namaste.

[TheFifth]

Still some weird physical pain stuff involving cysts and random crap life throughs ones direction. Seems a test on some or so of how deeply I can remain present

[TheFifth]

Trying the sulfur for the inflammation and CFS stuff which I still suspect is more physiological in origin. Positive body signal upon consumption, so will stick with it. On a body-mind level of analysis, I do wonder what the relationship is between my sensitivities and the allergies / extraordinary stress my body subjects itself to. Regardless the hypothesized routes of action of the sulfur and inhibition of some of the interleukins and other inflammatory cells should take a ton of strain off my system.

[Mystress]

   My appearance has aged far too much, over this decade+  of horrific perimenopause. Yesterday someone guessed I am in my 60s. That is actually an improvement, I looked even older before.

  I am camera shy, but Goddess calls me to make more videos.

My fountain of youth recipe includes MSM, food grade diatomaceous earth and several types of collagen.

  MSM, essential organic sulphur (mineral sulpur is poisonous) like found in cabbage and egg yolk is mostly missing from our food since the introduction of chemical fertilizers in the 50s. Sounds like you already did the search, so I'll skip the details.

  The absence of vitamin C causes scurvy. and the symptoms of scurvy are myriad so it is with the symptoms of missing essential sulphur and silica. Do a search for testimonials about the supplementation and there are stories of miracles, so many ailments disappearing. Like Vitamin C, our body has little ability to store sulphur so it is best taken every day.

  Silica is in every cell of the body and our supply starts diminishing in our 30s. The expensive source is horsetail. The best source is food grade diatomaceous earth, sometimes called fossil shell flour. (Not- food grade has been treated with toxic chemicals for filtering swimming pool water, do not eat!)

  Diatoms are tiny sea creatures with skeletons made of silica. Their fossilized remains under the microscope look like little hollow barrels with spikes all over, a harmless abrasive dust to our touch but death of a thousand cuts to insects including intestinal parasites. The shape traps toxins like heavy metals so effectively that it is important not to take with any other supplements or medications because it might absorb those too.  It has a gritty texture (it used to be common as an abrasive in toothpaste) and an astringent-feeling clay flavour mixed with water. It is nicknamed "the dirt" by people who take it daily. A straw sends the grit to the back of your throat and a second glass of water washes the rest away, too little water and it can cause some constipation.

  New green trend: re-useable drinking straws of silicon, because metal straws can kill you.

  Collagen: the body starts losing its ability to produce collagen in our 20s and it is a very important type of protein representing about 30% of the body (connective tissue) and more than 70% of our skin. It provides elasticity, resilience. Without it- wrinkles and loss of flexibility with age.

  We do not lose the ability to utilize collagen, only to make it ourselves so supplementation has taken about 10 years off my face in a few months. druid noticed a reduction of joint pain after taking it for only a few days, he is 65. I am buying the more expensive flavourless kind but he does not mind or notice the slight beefy flavour of regular collagen from Bulk Barn, in his morning coffee. I also got a jar of collagen powder that is beef broth flavour because it has bone broth, which I am taking to repair my teeth and restore enamel.

  The DIY involves a crock pot and some bony, gristly meat.

  My last batch was a skin-on pork leg roast, in the crock pot for two days or how ever long it takes to dissolve all the gristle, turn the meat into pulpy fibres and the bones soft and ancient looking. Spices, onion and garlic add flavour but end up dissolved into soluble fibre. I washed off the bones and set them aside to dry. Stepping on a knuckle bone crushed it to pieces, so they were safe for puppy, no danger of splinters.

  In my starving artist days, I did not have a crock pot so it was the oven and 99cents/lb chicken legs and thighs from the Chinese grocery. I used red wine for the acid, intuitively... my goal was to maximize the nutrition, following instinct and tradition more than science. Acid helps leach the calcium and minerals from the bone. A bit of lemon juice or vinegar is more usual.

  The oven browns the meat, giving more flavour than the crock pot  but you have to keep a closer eye that it does not burn. You can brown the meat in the oven then put it in the crock pot. Once the gristle and onions were dissolved, I would lift out the bones and use a stick blender on what remained, breaking the half-melted skin into tiny fragments then pour into gelatin moulds for chicken pate. Pick the fat off after it gels in the fridge, unmould onto a plate.
  Less fancy: put it into mason jars. It can be canned or frozen for preservation.

  Extreme version, cook  it until the chicken bones are soft enough to crush with your fingers and don't take them out before blending. The result is a little gritty and a superfood.

  Gelatin and collagen are nearly identical, both being made from animal skin and gristle aka connective tissue. Gelatin is similar to hydrolyzed collagen, or collagen that has been cooked to break the proteins down further making it more digestible. Collagen dissolves in cold water and does not get, gelatin dissolves in hot water and gels when cooled. Nutritionally they are almost the same protein amino acids.

   The only mould I had was a beach toy, a child's plastic sand castle mould so the recipe was named "Chicken Ruins." Not only because it was no longer recognisable as chicken except for the taste, but also the visual effect of the delicious pate' castle turning to ruins as it is eaten, on crackers or corn chips.

FST is a body-first path, giving the body what it needs to restore balance is part of that.