Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[TheFifth]

Figuring out the value of hanging around some of the darker corners of the internet, which seems to provide the twofold benefit of feeding and also poking my own stuff for awareness/release.

Variety of energies:

Internet
Individuals
Atmospheric
Causes (AA, etc)
Collective (nations, states, large groups)

Pulling energy from the atmosphere feels surprisingly nice and invigorating, I wonder if this played some role in my affinity for weather events growing up.

[Mystress]

 Hurricanes are delicious.

  Remember this spring, the USA was supposed to have a week of tornados before Easter Sunday? I ate them all week long but by 2am Sunday, I was tired and the rest seemed natural.

Want some tasty snacks? Eat the turmoil beneath the volcanoes of Yellowstone park.

  Your every thought, word and deed is recorded forever in the geomagnetic field and the crystalline matrix of the fiery crystal. Everybody is, everyone who ever lived.   

[TheFifth]

I don't know if "muddy ascended" is a thing but feels sort of like where I was. Yesterday I was just silent, gone, felt invisible especially for the evening. "Strange dream somebody else had." The silence gets pretty deep. I like it though. Going to stick with this discipline. Things can change fast, I suppose, to go from hells to heavens to silence so fast. I suppose that when energies are so high, anything incongruent with it turns to hell really fast lol. I'm told it's because it blows up in proportion, inflates, powered by my attention. I see it, though, rather than just reading about it. This must be my new life.

[Mystress]

I don't know if "muddy ascended" is a thing

  Sure it is. Vajra diamond body, imperishable... on that level you are always ascended. Your subjective experience of being ascended or not, depends on your thoughts, the mud in your energy, etc.

  We go up and down all the time, there is no karma to snack on, in non-duality. Yet, always ascended. "In the world but not of it."

I suppose that when energies are so high, anything incongruent with it turns to hell really fast lol. I'm told it's because it blows up in proportion, inflates, powered by my attention. I see it, though, rather than just reading about it. This must be my new life.

True but a bit non-specific.

  Two factors:

   1.) You are quantum and the navigation system is your thoughts. External validation gets muddy because where you think is where you are. Negative beliefs move you to a universe or dimension where they are true because in an infinite universe, anything that can exist, must exist or it is not infinite.
   Think of your favourite dead person... now they are in the room with you. Did they move or did you visit them in the underworld? You are already everywhere...

  2.) Vajra energy is associated with the throat chakra because it seeks expression. If not expressed safely into art, it takes form from your thoughts- accidental manifestations.

   So if you attach to a negative belief, or are not mindful to surrender the thoughts you *do not* want to happen,... you go there and you make it real.

  Everybody gets some bullshit thoughts in a day. Frustration thoughts can be destructive (burn it down!) and need to be surrendered immediately before you go to where it is possible and vajra makes it real.

     The routines and the mindfulness keep you from slipping too far.

[TheFifth]

Feels another collective storm is brewing, only thing I can connect it to is the virus and associated impacts. Intensity is high, but poetry has become a wonderful outlet for staying balanced. Intense is fine, have always liked intense.

[TheFifth]

So I was kinda overthinking the feeding thing. All I really have to do is walk around and just set the intention that I’m feeding on a given area, be it an apartment complex, grocery store, restaurant or cemetery. Food is literally everywhere. I’m finding now exuberance rather than whatever daunting task I had been making it out to be. Depression receding within hours.

Again, no telling how much more lively I may become. Excited to see what I’m like at 100% rather than as the walking dead.

[TheFifth]

Now my Guide seems to be guiding, showed me some kind of layer in the atmosphere needing attention last night. Time to get to work...

[TheFifth]

Well, it would seem pretty much everything is going smoother now. I'm noticing more energy all around for work, work/life balance, greater intellect, focus - just all around better adjusted. Grounding is easier now, less inner resistance. Feeling optimistic.

[TheFifth]

Now that I'm all cleaned up I'm starting to wonder to what extent my hyperactive immune system and literal digestive issues may relate to vampire-related stuff I had unresolved for all those years. Will see I suppose. I've felt like a bottomless spring of nurturing feminine energies over the past few days. Part of me wonders how much of it is trauma-related gender reversal and how much of it is some quality of my soul or just typical kundalini stuff. It's very blissful.

[TheFifth]

Also been noticing what may be some bad mojo coming from a client with a history of playing with spirits and magic. No one believes what she says and I tend to assume attention-seeking until proven otherwise. It’s either that, or the “shooting self in the foot with any resistance” effect. I’m just, mindful of luck and normally a lot of that sort of stuff floats past me and I kind of took it for granted for most of my life, didn’t realize how much of many people’s struggles seem to have roots in these sorts of influences or synchronicities.

Probably just more learning, probably a part of the healer gig to start getting this sort of attention. “Undercover mystic” at work. I know if I’m dealing with those types of forces my vortex may not be of much help other than cleaning up the energies. Surrendering the whole situation may be the way to go. I used to use the lbrp on the rare occasion I would encounter this stuff before but I figure this is probably a duality-based ritual for me now. I will say that for as little confidence as I tend to have, the ritual tended to give me a temporary boost in sense of presence and  may have been genuinely empowering and balancing for a time.

I’m being instructed, it seems, to keep my energies very clear and see what happens. Angels in red suits, perhaps? If I am dealing with these sorts of entities it would seem they need to be handled manually. Sense of excitement upwelling within. Interesting...

[TheFifth]

I don’t think it’s an entity and associated energies, think it’s just reality speaking to me and I’m not quite listening. Just more “God hates me” rubbish on the way out

[TheFifth]

Also, been eating cleaner in a literal sense too, just lighter and more healthy. I think I was putting myself through a world of hurt and self-criticism over a lot of stuff that was related to food allergy.

[TheFifth]

All the people seeming to turn against me, the things in my life I’m losing, nothing seeming to work out anymore, is not quite what it seems. I think I’m experiencing this stuff right now for a reason. There is, I’d say, a deepening sense of peace and miraculous fortune in the ways that matter, and seemingly only the ways that matter. Perhaps a pruning, or a trimming of sorts.

[TheFifth]

Karmic notes/progress:

At bedrock, I do not want to take responsibility for my own life or the shit under my own carpet, thus I look to others for constant re-assurance or approval ("atta boy!"). If this is not received, the critic kicks in and the self-berating begins. Oddly, this same pattern also causes me to keep other people beyond arms length and to shut them out, and to really only confer with people who pretty much do all the work or reach out to me. Very, very sensitive to disapproval and any sign of this in someone else and I'm gone, even if they're just having a bad day. It's not all about me.

I've been an ostrich for so long and been poking my head out more lately and just feels, strange. I guess I just internalized a belief at a young age that I got along better with others and they liked me more when I was a yes man. Now, playing in this band and working with this songwriter who I'm secretly convinced is a genius, opining regularly and reaching group consensus is a necessity. His talent far eclipses my own but we all have blind spots. I just hate criticizing, being disagreeable and sticking my neck out so much. Necessary sometimes, though.

So much ego hiding behind my timidness, funny how that works. Fear of being wrong, disliked. I suppose, of course I would not want to be disliked if it meant feeling it deeply and viscerally, lol. My survival depended on being as agreeable as possible.

There's this other part of me though where people tell me certain things and I simply do not flinch, and it's difficult to distinguish apathy from peace. I think it's the latter because people naturally trust me and share their deepest most intimate thoughts to me, and I suppose I prefer peace to emotional tumult.

Anyway, just cruising, don't know where I'm going and half the time I don't know what time it is.

[TheFifth]

I feel there was a point, somewhere on the cusp of my birth where I said something like, “holy shit, I do not want to do this!” And I’ve been battling against this ever since. Probably the gender reversal thing. So tired of battling. I have no volition, no self-regard, no plan nor legs to stand on in the world. I used to think I was stuck in some half enlightened state but I do not think that’s what it is. This feels more like, some deep-seated wish for oblivion and it does not feel very enlightened or be-here-now at all... at its core is just, primal terror.

I suppose, digging around down here is a good opportunity to surrender what I’m seeing. Heavy, heavy stuff.

[TheFifth]

I’m making every computer I come in contact with go kaput as well lately. Ugh I think I did the bubble spell on my old one and didn’t think this issue with tech would happen to me.

[TheFifth]

I seem to blow out the screens somehow. Maybe I really am starting to shine. I’ll admit I was skeptical this stuff would really start happening to me. Ugh. Crisis at work now but now I know....

[TheFifth]

Have a strong feeling the Covid virus is not what it seems and the situation we’re in right now is more complicated than we realize. Britain, mutations. Seems to be a stalemate involving economies and old ways of doing things, energy extraction etc. All on the edge of our seats watching this I’m sure...

Spurring of innovation almost seems a given. Will it be in the right direction?

[Mystress]

Have a strong feeling the Covid virus is not what it seems and the situation we’re in right now is more complicated than we realize.

  Indeed.

  There are two plagues. The second, is a psychosis of covid denial that affects the demographic of climate change deniers that represent the greatest threat to all life on earth.

They are marching to the tarpits of extinction, of their own free will, waving flags and crosses and nobody can talk them out of it. We all try, because we care, but... brick wall, like arguing with fate.  The anti-maskers and the anti-vaxxers and the conspiracy types and the doomsday cults praying for the rapture, have all caught a sort of crazy that makes them expose themselves to a deadly virus.

  Science says we have max, 11 years to turn things around but 5 would be better. The people who are the biggest obstacle, have caught a crazy that is taking them out of the gene pool via exposure to covid.

  I am sometimes reluctant to share what I see, beauty and horror.

  Beauty in that it comes to pass for the love of all creation, Goddess says "Nope" to predictions of the earth becoming unlivable before the end of the century by using a pandemic to shut it all down.  Horror in the death and tragedy that is a deadly pandemic.

  More on my facebook page, and FST students are invited to follow me.

https://www.facebook.com/angelique.serpent/posts/10158181515284862

[TheFifth]

Yeah it's uncanny what this pandemic has been bringing out of people. It seems to be acting as a sort of amplifier of denial and I suppose just straight craziness. Admittedly I have no theory of mind for understanding the vehemence behind the anti-maskers but hey, they're using their free will. There is a sort of somberness, sadness about it but I guess that's the beauty of that intersection between freewill and the bigger picture of our ultimate survival.

[TheFifth]

Have not been my usual prolific self in this thread lately, just nothing really compelling me to put thoughts on paper. I do think, in retrospect I’m gaining some insight into where I am lately with the weirdness and people seeming to turn against me.

I think it’s karma manifesting. These deep seated briefs, this sense of shame and its various layers in me has a lot of energy pushing on it now and it seems reality is bending to conform.

It’s a dark place. And it re-enforces itself. I feel like one could spend lifetimes in that place. It’s not new; I just seem to notice it more. Amplification.

It’s weird because years ago I thought myself so wise, so essentially good natured, kind. It was a facade though and while I do feel fundamentally good natured and, in a sense, very pure and childlike, I’m so very fallible, weak, disorganized but I have no choice but to be strong.

I’ve had to come to grips over the past year and realize that in a sense, there also seems to be narcissism in me; but at bedrock, it’s because I’ve always felt unlikeable and worthless. Turns you into a show-off that no one likes, but you’re just trying to grasp onto some fleeting condition of worth, some reason for people to like you and find you interesting or worthwhile, but it’s a dead end road.

I do feel better equipped to understand and help my narcissists now, though, just like my depressives. Good to know the territory. In some sense, maybe I have been playing around in these hellish places and states of mind. They’re very transfixing but there is danger and risk of getting stuck there for sure.

Anyway. Interesting terrain and experiences over the past year. I find myself thankful for it and reflective about the growth which has occurred. This deep dark shame karma will likely come up in more layers as I return to more consistent practice and energy hygiene, I feel I should be able to chip away at and surrender this stuff however long it takes. No rush.

[TheFifth]

Dang, seemed to find the elevator yesterday and it all got blasted away. Spent the evening on the verge of tears at life's beauty, feels like I have new eyes. Emerging from the strange slumber I've been in for all these years. Seems one really good, focused grounding is enough to obliterate a seemingly insurmountable monolith of karma almost instantly - probably my vortex. Somehow, I was putting too much effort into grounding visualization before, if I relax into the visualization and don't pay attention to the resistance and squirming in my body it works way better.

[TheFifth]

On another note, COVID seems to be closing in everywhere around me, people turning up positive and somehow or another, to my knowledge, I have not gotten it.

[begeegs]

On another note, COVID seems to be closing in everywhere around me, people turning up positive and somehow or another, to my knowledge, I have not gotten it.

I hear you there. It is the same in the UK. It was just reported that our levels have breached the worst month ever totals, so we have all gotten locked down again. On a positive note, it is making people get out to nature here which is something which didn't happen before any of this.

Stay safe!

[TheFifth]

Thanks begeegs, yeah the US and specifically the state I'm in is getting pummeled and I fear it's only going to get worse due to the nonchalant "all is normal" mentality here.

To good health,

The Fifth