Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[TheFifth]

This feels like a pretty big breakthrough in a sense and this has always been that “don’t wanna go there” sort of thing. Felt like shining light on it is the worst thing I could possibly do.

[TheFifth]

Sometimes I think prayer - affirmations of surrender - can be a good thing too but I seem to have become somewhat allergic to the concept, probably as a result of this stuff.

[TheFifth]

Feel like I’m interacting with or maybe tuning into some musical dimension of sorts. Yesterday I saw an image of Hendrix pushing his head out of a license plate parked in front of me and today I seemed to channel a song somehow related to the late Junie Morrison. It’s a cool blend of Motown and Grunge I never could have come up with entirely on my own.

“Follow the music” someone once told me. Feels like some kind of interaction with these people, maybe the infinite spirit or essence of what they were/are. It’s pretty beautiful though, whatever it is.

[TheFifth]

I guess Junie was a producer and the minor tweaks he made to my song were a stroke of timeless brilliance. Maybe he’s carrying on the work in the hereafter for a while.

[TheFifth]

I think the fundamental truth with a lot of this stuff is "I am that." Synchronicity has become very common place, I think I've come to kind of seem like a mind-reader to a lot of my clients or people around me but literally, just synchronicity at work.

[Gopi]

TheFifth wrote: "The idea of “falling apart” or being “found out” feels representative of something else - maybe an encounter with absolute genuineness."
In Eastern religions, sometimes the faces of Gods and Goddesses are depicted as grotesque and terrifying - esp. in Tantric paths.
A direct face-to-face encounter with absolute love (or Divine presence) is terrifying death for ego.
The only way you can get near the sun is by burning - ego separation cannot exist.
There is a French expression - la petite mort - meaning little death.
The phrase is used to describe post-orgasmic experience when ego is weak (or more properly humbled through the act of lovemaking).
Making love kills the ego through little deaths...
Now imagine making love to the universe and All That Is - ego blown to smithereens which is absolute and terrifying bliss.
Nowhere to run and hide in the presence of Love - completely naked with all your insecurities, warts, and imperfections.
Every excuse that you want to hold onto about why you are an irredeemable wretch is existentially confronted with Love.
Every belief that you have learned about why you are unworthy of love is directly confronted with Love.
What now?

Encounter with absolute genuineness can sometimes leave you with post-partum sort of depression like experiences.
Basically you go through ego death and if you don't understand what is happening, it is easy to confuse it as feeling abandoned or depression.
The Tibetan Book of Dead uses the word Bardo to describe such experiences.
The lesson and work after the encounter is about acceptance.
It is very easy to grow a new ego and many people seem to fall easily for the hero's trip.
Encounter with absolute does NOT make me some sort of special avatar who was sent here to guide the rest of the sheeple.
The lesson is you ARE love just like everything is.
No matter how broken or irredeemable you think you are, you ARE love and you are loved.
That is real humility - acceptance of things as they are.

Frasier is one of my favorite sitcoms because it is witty, thoughtful, and life-affirming.
There are lots of really good scenes and many of them involve Frasier as the person who helps others.
Frasier rarely steps out of his comfort zone and because he is talented, he mostly gets by with his life without having to be vulnerable.
If I had to pick one scene, this would be my favorite because this is the only scene where we see all of Frasier.
And it is the scene where I can't help but love Frasier.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGsvWc75Bo8

[TheFifth]

Fraser has been coming up a lot lately. That scene sort of encapsulates my pattern perfectly, hiding behind theory and basically words. Kind of back on the ground over the past few days, but I do think I have realized I have a bit of an addiction to that edge where karma meets transmutation and all the chaos and insanity that it entails. It feels like there is also creation in it. I guess it's sort of like a roller coaster for me. Feels good to be even, too, though.

[TheFifth]

Where I am: Death of the doer. That’s what I’m being told, anyway.

[Gopi]

Some quotes about doer-ship from Ramana Maharishi

"What is destined as work to be done by you in this life will be done by you, whether you like it or not…
It is true that the work meant to be done by us will be done by us. But it is open to us to be free from the joys or pains, pleasant or unpleasant consequences of the work, by not identifying ourselves with the body or that which does the work. If you realise your true nature and know that it is not you that do any work, you will be unaffected by the consequences of whatever work the body may be engaged in according to destiny or past karma or divine plan, however you may call it. You are always free and there is no limitation of that freedom."
[Day by Day with Bhagavan, 3rd January, 1946]

"So long as the feeling ‘I am doing’ is there, one must experience the results of one’s acts, whether they are good or bad. How is it possible to wipe out one act with another? When the feeling ‘I am doing’ is lost, nothing affects a man. Unless one realises the Self, the feeling ‘I am doing’ will never vanish."
[Letters from Sri Ramanasramam, 3rd June, 1946]

"The present difficulty is that the man thinks that he is the doer. But it is a mistake. It is the Higher Power which does everything and the man is only a tool. If he accepts that position he is free from troubles; otherwise he courts them.
The Self remains ever the same, here and now. There is nothing more to be gained. Because the limitations have wrongly been assumed there is the need to transcend them. It is like the ten ignorant fools who forded a stream and on reaching the other shore counted themselves to be nine only. They grew anxious and grieved over the loss of the unknown tenth man. A wayfarer, on ascertaining the cause of their grief, counted them all and found them to be ten. But each one of them had counted the others leaving himself out. The wayfarer gave each in succession a blow telling them to count the blows. They counted ten and were satisfied. The moral is that the tenth man was not got anew. He was all along there, but ignorance caused grief to all of them."
[Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi, Talk 63]

"Only so long as you think that you are the worker are you obliged to reap the fruits of your actions. If, on the other hand, you surrender yourself and recognise your individual self as only a tool of the higher power, that power will take over your affairs along with the fruits of actions. You are no longer affected by them and the work goes on unhampered. Whether you recognise the power or not the scheme of things does not alter. Only there is a change of outlook. Why should you bear your load on the head when you are travelling in a train? It carries you and your load whether the load is on your head or on the floor of the train. You are not lessening the burden of the train by keeping it on your head but only straining yourself unnecessarily. Similar is the sense of doership in the world of the individuals."
[Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi, Talk 503]

[TheFifth]

Today, I have decided to say goodbye to my love affair with control, with certainty, with effort, with doer-ship. I get so caught up in the daily motions and the inertia the the origins of my deepest possessions become almost invisible to me. In a state of clarity, I can attempt to map these things out, as they stand currently...

Every day I wake up in the morning and put on a pot of coffee before proceeding to get some bass practice in. In its purest form it is simply expression and joy; when this purity is lost, it becomes effort, work, trying to "improve" and get to some virtuosic level of performance. Why? Because if I don't conclude a given day feeling like I have improved or learned something new - in music or in general - I just feel like I'm not moving toward anything. I forget from time to time, buried beneath that fog of inertia and stale prana, what I really am, and that there are no others, no where to really go, but lots of fun and interesting adventures to be had.

I move through life, feeling like I'm either sleepwalking or chewing on something weird, aching belly, trying so hard to fit in and "be somebody." Whatever all that is, doesn't really make sense anymore.

On days like this, where I have that clarity, the insight to see how I reliably fall into these funks, I think the only thing left on the table for me is to surrender the things I cling to most dearly. I could wake up tomorrow and do absolutely nothing and Goddess would love me no less. At work, I do not have to be some kind of superstar therapist but my bosses and clients seem to value what I provide. It's like training in no effort, being present and simply responsive.

There's just this darkness still hugging my belly; I've gotten so much better at relating to and living with it.  ButI want so much to be free of these preferences and hopes.

And I avoid, avoid, avoid. I avoid coming here sometimes, continuing with the course, looking inside of myself. I suppose I've always preferred to let shit pile up then work under pressure, some kind of procrastination bug.

Anyway, refocusing. Goddess, I grow so tired, can't go on like this any longer. My feeling of you comes and goes, I always find myself back in hell and I come here so many times it only fatigues. I get it, I'm stubborn and at times, stupid. My internalized cosmology tells me I deserve all of this, to suffer and that's why you let this happen. Because I can't get my act together.

Is it okay that I get mad at you at times? Sometimes I forget what anger or sadness even feel like, going through the motions day in and day out in my foggy stupor. It just feels, at times, like I'm a maze of self-deception that I cannot get out of. And I see heavens, and hells, but I just want peace.

The truth of the matter is, however foolish or lazy I am, you made me like this. I know, in principle, you did not build me to suffer, to burn like this. I do it to myself. Does that realization console? lol. I see and feel the self-hatred scrawled across the page. But why, do I always come here? Most of the time, I'm blind to all of this but nonetheless carry it. It's very sad.

Maybe it is other people's shit, filtered through my own lens. But that does not make it any less of my own issue.

Anyway, going back into conclusion mode. I just wish I could love myself and see more clearly in every moment. I can't afford to keep accumulating shit like this. These written explosions do help and release it in a big fell swoop but I need to establish some kind of daily sadhana. Something. The sine wave is exhausting and by now, old.

"Start writing," you tell me. Maybe. I've always been able to think best on the page and letting it all out like this always seems like the most effective means of cleansing. Maybe I can start a novel or something prolific that I can channel all this unchewable stuff into on a regular basis. The music is an outlet, but not enough. With the volume I'm dealing with, I need more. "Relax," you say. You're completely right.

I don't need to do anything anymore. You are the miracle and the root of everything, and my only way out of this is to lay myself at your feet, all of me. All of me. I live through You alone, and I surrender my will, pains, hopes and dreams to you.

[Gopi]

TheFifth wrote: " I suppose I've always preferred to let shit pile up then work under pressure, some kind of procrastination bug."
I can relate to this.
Personally, I realized that I am addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes with anxiety.
Or as you put it - addicted to being on the edge.
You can rewire your habits with persistence.
Thank you Goddess for neuroplasticity.

I have to feel like I am 'railing against' something else I lose interest in doing the work.
Yummy pain for inner masochist that would make most people horrified.
I am not a therapist like you are but I am sure you know about avoidance behavior.
Things we do in order to avoid doing something else.
And if you peel the details, it is about the inability to be completely present here and now.
Always worrying/planning about coulda/shoulda/woulda improvements but nothing is good enough to be simply fully present.
Do you see the ego there?
I have to consciously surrender to here and now, irrespective of how I feel about it.
As Mystress teaches, power is always here and now.

Acedia is experienced as “…a weariness of the soul, indifference, a listlessness, an inability to concentrate on the task at hand” and “mask itself in fervid but misdirected activity… We can live and work with the same people for years without being fully invested in their lives â€" or our own. Stability requires attentiveness â€" paying attention to those with whom we share common space and time.” (Dennis Okholm. 2013. Staying Put to Get Somewhere)

Since I have gone through similar struggles, I want to say this to you.
You are being too hard on yourself my lovely friend.
Would you be this hard on any of your clients or your friends?
Can you show the same mercy towards yourself?
We are currently on day 4 of the 9 day Hindu festival celebrating Goddess, Navratri.
I wish you plenty of love and healing laughter.

HUGS
Gopi

[TheFifth]

Gopi, I cannot express how helpful you have been through all of this. I've decided I'm just going to sit for a while everyday, soul meditation, refocus inward and keep everything focused there. More silence. A lot of this is just stress management and how I'm going to go about adjusting to a vocation that involves intense emotional encounters every day. I just cannot afford the resistance that remains in me. I know I'm on a spiritual rocketship of sorts. Need more humility. Will be okay.

[TheFifth]

It’s a sense of powerlessness. That’s what it is. I realized today, I can merely engage with my intention and move the black heavy energy into something inanimate, or creative. I seem to be able to channel it into the icons of the songs in my drive, provides pretty noticeable relief quickly. Will explore this further

[TheFifth]

This whole incident was hunger. I've just been very shy and timid about eating and feeling like I can get what I need through passive means but clearly, I have to actually find food and go after it more than I have been. Sick and tired of being powerless and the indignation is pretty motivating. I've had myself sort of hogtied really since some really bad behavior when I was in high school but I now know how to do this without being a jerk. So fucking scared of being that jerk. I did so good keeping him under control all those years. But taking grief from people will not hurt them.

[TheFifth]

Well, I think I've finally solved my puzzle. Now, it would seem I can finally rest. Cool experience last night surrounded by Buddhas as I fell asleep.

[TheFifth]

Notable reduction in appetite - literal, physical appetite - as of late, also feels like I'm drowning in amrita in my throat. Wondering if energy feeding may stymie physical appetite to some extent. Landing on my feet after taking some blows for my doership odyssey. Lately been that sense that, if I let go, will there be a safety net to catch me? Will it all really work out? Surrendering these.

All these detours, seem to be addicted to them, too. Grounding working as it should it seems, granted I'm fed. Moving along, copasetic.

[TheFifth]

Annnd I’m disintegrating again, lol. Very nice. I’m very good at building up these faux identities/egos and getting stuck in them for a while.

[TheFifth]

Also realizing my guide me have been making a bit of an appearance for a while now as a cartoonish red devil. It seems humorous. I’ve just been assuming it’s just quasi psychotic noise but it’s a pretty regular theme. Strong horror movie vibes today before really starting to float again, cold chill. The cold chill horror movie “terror psychosis” vibe seems to be right on the cusp of the liberation.

[TheFifth]

Think I’m dissolved for good this time. Or I’m just finally catching up. It’s all gone, the attachment to the music, the idea of setting up or controlling the direction of my life. Gone like magic. Feel like I’ve plunged deeper into silence than ever before. I wonder if it will at some point get deep enough that nothing really sticks anymore...

Feel good.

[TheFifth]

US election should be tasty, the suspense has been so far. Trying to surrender my own biases and preferences around it continually, but normal and human to have them. The uncertainty and fear around it would seem natural, Trying to keep sight on having faith that Goddess has it handled. Idk, feels like it’s been subsuming everything and everyone around me. More opportunity, I suppose, to be mindful. “Worldly affairs,” I suppose.

The human story and experience and Goddess’ planet is such a beautiful thing, and of course my bias is I want us to make it, survive as a species. I want the earth to be strong and healthy. Reality is so much bigger than my little perspective and preferences, sure there’s so much bigger picture stuff I’m missing.

Surrendering my preferences and prostrating myself. All I can do is chose love.

[Mystress]

Think I’m dissolved for good this time.

  Yeah... it does not really work like that. We are like trees, we do not stop growing. Different stages of life bring up different issues. I have been ascended for 24 years but stuff still comes up. Accept it. Enlightenment is a journey not a destination.

[TheFifth]

Yeah I keep thinking I'll break through to some place where all challenge and discomfort is behind me but it's just more resistance. Anyway, detached observation seems to be the best for me at this time. It's like whack-a-mole, all these different aspects scurrying around trying to grasp on to things. A lot moving through me, makes me both restless and exhausted at once. I think the imperative to "dig deep" and pull through these things is positive. Find myself both digging deep and laughing a lot the past few days.

[Mystress]

  FST is not just an ascension path; it teaches the disciplines necessary to successfully stay ascended. To handle the changes that ascension brings.

Vampires and shamans get a leg up from the extra guide but the discipline remains essentially the same: Grounding, surrender and discernment are the three points of the FST triangle. (Upward pointing triangle is the alchemical symbol for fire.)

The three practices are life long. Grounding 8x a day for 45 days is just to establish the habit! When it is habitual, you will keep doing it even when life is throwing curve balls.

  - Of course, people change, habits change. You have seen posts from past students who return years later to do the course again; get back in the groove and expand.

  Self care habits! Routines. Every day, you poop, you bathe, brush teeth ... and you clean your energy. Surrender is moment-to-moment mindfulness. Gratitude does wonders for the power chakra. Discernment is how you follow Divine Will. Art is how you release the stuck things.

  You are learning growing expanding trying out new things and that is great!

   For long term stability you have to establish a routine of daily foundational practices. If you are still keeping a FST journal, write a list of the top ten practices that have been most beneficial and schedule the top 5.

  Work out what you need, and create a routine. Make check lists.  Put post-it notes reminders on your bathroom mirror, or anywhere you look often. Persist until the self-care is habitual, then keep doing it.

The three points are daily or 24/7, that does not change. Grounding is always- your connection to the Planet Goddess. Mindfullness pays attention to discernment signaling what is to be surrendered.

  Art: daily or every second day? An hour? More? What activities?
  Mass snacking- multiple times a day or daily?
  One-on-one work. How much do you need to do to stay shiny?

  Find out, and schedule it in, make it part of your routine.

  It is a point of resistance, I think?

  If you have fully accepted that you are a vampire then you would accept there are things that go with that, that you need to do on a regular basis, to be ok.

  If you discovered you were... diabetic, for example, you would have to accept the changes that go with that, what you need to do on a regular basis to stay alive and whole.

  I once knew a lovely woman, a genuine Fijian princess with some interesting talents though sometimes a bit, narcissist drama queen. Long after we fell out of touch, I got word of her death from her ex, whom is still a dear friend.  He explained, she did some internet thing that was supposed to cure her diabetes. Believing she was cured, she stopped taking care of it, with predictable results. Shocked, I blurted, "oh... she died of stupidity!" He laughed and said yes. Naivety might be a better word... denial, for sure.

  There is no cure for being a vampire. What ever part of you is still in denial, is sabotaging your self care.  You are free to play with any new tricks Goddess and guide want to show you but you have to establish a self care routine of essential practices, and stick with it.  You want stability? That is how to gain it. There will still be openings and adventures, but they will go softer if you keep up the routine maintenance.

  Routine check list and emergency check list. For the openings and adventures: Write a list of the top ten practices that have been a lifeline when you are in a stuck place, so you can refer to the list if you get so stuck you forget how to climb out of the hole.

    You are amazing. I think this whole thread is one of the most fascinating in tea room history! For sure it is benefitting many, and always a pleasure to read you.

  A while back you mentioned getting some downloads from the planet? Would love to read more about that.

[TheFifth]

Yeah, I think this captures where I am. For the longest time grounding has caused this intense feeling of resistance in the general region of my vortex and it felt like “is it supposed to be this hard?”

Grounding + doing some detached zen sitting has proven to be very, very effective over the last three days or so. Structure and consistency have always been a challenge for me which may simply be a symptom of my empathy depression which may clear up if I can pull together an effective means of grounding  and clearing.

Yeah this whole thing has certainly been a soul adventure-journey. That’s probably a part of the point.

Time to craft a routine and stick with it rain or shine.

[TheFifth]

I can write more about the downloads, some of it seems over my head but some of it is very simple. Last night She told me we’re all Her children and She loves us each equally and unconditionally. It’s more like a feeling and a perspective that hangs around. Like She’s looking through me and the vibe is very much like a nurturing and wise parent.

There was one a few weeks ago about the Serpent that felt really profound but was over my head or ability to make sense of.

I can see what hits me with this and catalogue them here. The download effect has always been fairly strong for me e.g. stuff like the “artist’s path” that kind of provides insight and really captures where my adventure is at a given time.