Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[TheFifth]

Sorry, feel like I'm double posting a lot lately but new insights seem to come in. But yeah, that's the weak part of the equation. Gratitude, genuine gratitude. Heck, even for the self-judgement. Gratitude that can encompass it all. Seems I'm just seeing deeper into myself and need gratitude for that, too. Layers and layers. It just is, it all belongs to Goddess. I surrender my judgments.

[Gopi]

"Very judgmental and hard on myself"

I can relate.
On a spiritual level, surrender means you give up everything.
That includes giving up your own expectations, frustrations, fears, insecurities, and judgments.
If you are religious and take the attitude of doing everything for God, then only God can judge your actions and it is not the place of the devotee to do that judgment on God's behalf either on yourself or others.
Through surrender, we give up the focus on rewards and punishments of our actions because doing things for God is in itself a reward.
Surrender means everything we do, think, feel, say, and desire is exclusively for the Divine.

And there is the belief that when we do things with love in our heart, God does not see the imperfections but only our love.
There are several stories in India (as I am sure in other cultures as well) that illustrate this theme.
Once there was a God king and he went on a journey. He met an old lady who did not know that he was a God. It is customary in Indian culture to receive and feed guests but the old lady did not have any food prepared. So she went to her garden and started picking some fruits. She wanted to make sure that the fruits were sweet and not sour. So she took a small bite, tasted it, and then only gave the sweet fruits to the God king. According to tradition, offering a 'half-eaten' fruit to a God was considered offensive. But the God king was so overjoyed with her love and genuine care. He ate the fruits and thanked her.

On a practical everyday basis, whenever I feel like I am being too hard on myself, I treat myself like I would treat my friend.
If your good friend did exactly what you did (imperfections and all), how would you respond to her?
Do you think you are a good friend? Can you be a friend to your self?
I know it may sound difficult/cliche but it does get easier with practice. One day at a time.
HUGS

[TheFifth]

Thanks Gopi once again, wonderful. I tend to be a better friend to other people than how I talk to myself in my own head much of the time. I guess on some level I just feel irretrievably foolish and undisciplined, I guess the whole "wretch" thing. I seemed to clear the jam again yesterday. This is just more dysfunctional karmic processing stuff. A big problem for me does seem to be a fundamental split between my head and body, cognition and emotion because when I dig into this issue I find some stuff releases. The karmic tension feels like just raw, vital emotional energy that gets locked inside of me and due to my defense mechanism of defaulting to cognition and disconnection from my body it just jams up. Everything is smooth sailing between the jams, grounding is easy. In the jammed up state, grounding seems very fleeting regardless of the frequency practiced.

I would like to get to a state where this stuck energy inside of me can continually express its dynamism and/or simply move through me or digest. Really establishing the nonjudgmental state will probably help. I was reflecting on how all of this self-judgment and self-deception around seemingly every corner of thought is somehow a gift and the only answer I get is it is strengthening me. I mean, it definitely has made me better at being a nonjudgmental presence around others. Now it's just myself, it seems. The first half of my life has seemingly consisted of ordeal after ordeal, not fitting seemingly anywhere, social alienation. Things are definitely changing now, almost a "late bloomer" type of phenomenon.

I should probably grant that it has been a lot, and a very unusual life and I wouldn't change a thing.

[TheFifth]

I do seem to get pretty self involved, too. I find myself fixated on the aching stomach for days at a time. The gravity of it is powerful. I guess that's just the quality of rumination. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped focusing on it, or treated it with the same casual attention as the view outside of the window.

[Gopi]

Conversing with you here is helpful for me too. Thank you.

"I guess on some level I just feel irretrievably foolish and undisciplined, I guess the whole "wretch" thing."

I would like to share a few lines from one of my fav. books 'The Dance of Fear' by Harriet Lerner.

"Shame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. Shame, by its very nature, makes us want to hide. Shame acts as a steady call to silence, inaction, and hiding. A part of us is flawed and should not be seen. Shame drives the fear of not being good enough. You can learn to feel shame about anything that is real about you--your shape, your accent, your financial situation, your wrinkles, your size, your illness, your infertility, how you spend your day.
Even when we feel shame all by ourselves, we can conjure up an audience of individuals who look at us with disgust, disapproval, or pity. Shame isolates us, separating us from others and from our shared humanity.  Shame makes us want to withdraw inward, fold ourselves up, and hide. Shame removes us from the flow of human connection.
Shame feeds the conviction that another person couldn't possibly love or respect us if he or she really knew the whole, pitiful, God-awful truth about us. Guilt is about doing. Shame is about being. Most of the time, our shame emanates from some imagined defect in ourselves. Shame breeds more shame.
That what we believe is most shameful and unique about ourselves is often what is most human and universal."
~ Harriet Lerner (The Dance of Fear)

"A big problem for me does seem to be a fundamental split between my head and body, cognition and emotion because when I dig into this issue I find some stuff releases."

Yeah... You and the whole of western civilization (which is now global).
You can trace it all the way back to Rene Descartes' infamous 'Cogito, ergo sum' often translated as 'I think therefore I am'.
The assumption of mind/body split combined with the patriarchal idea of valuing one over the other (often leading to statements like 'mind over matter') is a very core ecological problem.
You can see the split reflected in our thinking about all aspects of life: man/woman, human/animal, culture/nature, mind/body, cognition/emotion, etc.
One is not like the other and former is inherently better than the latter (that's the patriarchal idea).
In such cultures, we are taught to devalue emotions as being fickle and clouding rational judgment.

The word emotion comes from the French word émouvoir meaning  "to stir up".
There is lots of well-documented scientific evidence that in everyday reality human decision making involves both cognition and emotion.
In fact, studies of experts in every known profession reveal that these experts rely on their intuition to make crucial decisions.
That does not mean a brain surgeon can skip the long and tedious hours of reading and practicing techniques.
But when it comes to the moment of making a 'life-or-death' decision in the operation theater, experts rely on their gut.
Allowing ourselves to feel our emotions does not mean we let our emotions take over.
I guess for a lot of us, we still live in a society and culture where emotional sharing is uneasy - we would rather cry at films with no lights on and when no one is watching us.
The mind/body struggle is not just you but a broader socio-cultural ecological issue.

"The karmic tension feels like just raw, vital emotional energy that gets locked inside of me and due to my defense mechanism of defaulting to cognition and disconnection from my body it just jams up."

Sometimes past hurt can get frozen.
K brings up stuff for you to see, learn, and let go.
Sometimes things heal in layers at a pace that Goddess sees fit.
It is helpful to do some sort of gentle physical exercise like walking or stretching so that you don't disconnect from your body.
It is also helpful to have any sort of creative outlet.
You don't have to create a masterpiece - just allow that 'raw, vital emotional energy' to have a physical outlet.
Sometimes I just scrub my bath tub and clean my kitchen.

[TheFifth]

Yeah shame is my biggest demon. I think that’s what everything sticks to. It seems to draw a partition between me and the breadth of my humanity. I guess that’s what’s really waiting for me in there. It’s okay to not be perfect. I don’t know where that uptight need to save face came from. But that seems like a sort of universal. Would be so nice not to care anymore lol.

The panic attacks actually seem to be some type of kriya.

[Gopi]

"I don’t know where that uptight need to save face came from. But that seems like a sort of universal. "

Once, you and I were joyful shameless naked babies who peed and pooped (and very likely played with our poo) in front of strangers with blissful ignorance. And there were people in our lives who thought we were so cute and adorable for doing that. Shame is learned and has its use in civilized society. I do my best to not judge people but I will very much give you the *evil-stink-eye-shame-on-you-stare*  if I hear you talking loud on your phone in a library.

If you come from a collective society (like many Asian countries), then the need to 'save face' can feel like an existential threat. When I came out to my parents as gay, the first question my dad asked me was 'What am I going to tell others?' I was furious that he did not care about me. After some time had passed, I also understood why that was his concern. He lives in a society where everyone feels entitled to question him in public about his son's marital status. I don't live there every day. Not justifying his actions but understanding his source of shame (others' opinion about his son) helped me to not take his response as a personal insult (he cares more about strangers' opinions than his own son's happiness). Humans are social beings. We want to be likeable and be liked by others. Nothing wrong with that. Humans can soar to unimaginable heights when we have someone in our life who believes in us even when we ourselves may have doubts. That's what all good teachers do. Wanting to do better both for ourselves and others is what drives human progress and sustains civil society methinks.

When we view ourselves as imperfect, it can be difficult to accept love. If you are religious, that is where the idea of Divine mercy steps in. The 'wretch' through surrender opens up to receiving mercy. Mercy is not about whether you are deserving but about the benevolence and unconditional nature of Divine love. In Tamil language, we use the word கருணை (karunai) while referring to the heart of Goddess (கருணை உள்ளம் கொண்டவளே - She whose heart is of karunai) which denotes a combination of grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and boundless benevolence. Buddhism and Jainism emphasize on compassion, both towards self and others, as a way of dharmic (righteous action) life. Islam repeatedly refers to God as the Most Merciful (ar Raheem) and Most Graceful (ar Rahman). In Christianity (esp. Catholic), God exercises mercy as the perfect justice. This may seem contradictory on the surface because sinners, by their actions, deserve to be punished. God's boundless love and infinite mercy is available for saint and sinner alike just like the sun shines on tall trees and tiny grass the same, which is very difficult for rational logical mind to accept as justice. The kingdom of God on earth is brought by practicing mercy with ourselves and others. This is also why almost all religious/spiritual traditions around the world emphasize on charity and service.

Irrespective of whether you believe in the supra-ordinary divine fabulous powers of the flying spaghetti monster (or any other religions for that matter), mercy is necessary for both individual and collective progress. A good example is Finland's 'housing first' policy - https://bit.ly/2NalklR
Of course, this will sound like crazy to those who come from a capitalist country and see it as 'giving stuff for free will make people lazy mooches'.
As you said, "It's okay to not be perfect."
Osho once said something along the lines of only dead things are perfect.
To be imperfect means you are not yet done growing and if you are growing then you are alive.
In the words of Ram Dass, "The problem is you’re afraid to acknowledge your own beauty. You’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness."
We grow by letting go of whatever is not needed anymore - including toxic shame that holds us back because of some imagined perfectionism trap.

Namaste!

[WhimsicalZephyr]

Hi Gopi,

I really appreciate how you support students here in the Tearoom with your knowledge and wisdom. I especially liked this:

In Tamil language, we use the word கருணை (karunai) while referring to the heart of Goddess (கருணை உள்ளம் கொண்டவளே - She whose heart is of karunai) which denotes a combination of grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and boundless benevolence.

I have been pondering this side of Goddess lately and trying to let go of my idea of Goddess as harsh, stern, punishing, and cruel. I grew up with a very strict, dogmatically religious mother who was sometimes abusive and I've spent a lifetime unpacking my ideas about all things feminine and motherly. I have a good relationship with my mom these days, but even at the best of times she is still critical and stern. I won't go on as I don't want to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to say thank you for the timely spoken words.

WZ

[TheFifth]

No worries about hijacking; I’m happy so much is coming out of this. I was thinking earlier and the Buddha and Mara and just that onslaught that he faced. All of this certainly is an opportunity for increased depth. An invitation to grow more conscious.

All this stuff, all I can do is be present with it with loving purity. Drop the defenses, the charade, the shoulds and should nots. Just be with it, see the life in it, the gift.

Tyrannical angry patriarchal God is definitely still something that comes up for me from time to time. It’s a weird framing which interprets every pain or unfortunate accordance as some cosmic punishment for something I did or thought. I think I underestimate how strong this framing still is for me. I always thought I did away with the religion of my upbringing in my adolescence but it’s really not so quickly done.

[TheFifth]

Getting a lot of activity in my energy body, chakra heat especially in my third eye area. Rushes of facial heat from time to time. Seems I’m just in a new kundalini evolutionary phase. That’s probably what’s been pushing on a lot of the karma lately. Just gotta relax into it.

[Gopi]

"WZ wrote:
I grew up with a very strict, dogmatically religious mother who was sometimes abusive and I've spent a lifetime unpacking my ideas about all things feminine and motherly. I have a good relationship with my mom these days, but even at the best of times she is still critical and stern."

Women who grow up in patriarchal cultures tend to internalize toxic stuff projected at them, esp. if they do not have strong female role models in their everyday lives. It is exhausting to keep fighting when sexism is all around you all the time (books, media, religion, relatives, etc) and eventually people tend to shrink themselves in order to fit in. If you keep getting punished for being who you are over a long period of time, it is easy to start believing something is really wrong with you. There is some element of self-preservation involved - you dumb yourself down so that you don't get bullied for being different. When this is combined with the fierce maternal instinct to protect, then mom's can become terrifying. Look at animals - mom will smack the young ones if that is what is required to keep them safe.

Also, I think women themselves can become gate-keepers and propagators of patriarchy, which has baffled me several times. I have come across older women, who probably had difficult life, be extremely judgmental and cruel to other women in the guise of tough love. I guess what I am trying to say is patriarchal sexist thinking hurts us all across generations. It is also unfair to expect ANY human, irrespective of gender or sex, to live as unconditionally loving and infinitely patient person.

Goddess is mother of all.
Our own mother is the first experience of Goddess we have in our lives.
Mom carried us inside her womb when we were defenseless, nursed us with her milk when we did not know how to ask for food, and taught us how to walk.
Mom is also allowed to make mistakes, have human limitations, be cranky at times, and still be loving.
We won't be alive here now if not for our mom
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88TuOd6QNAA

Tara from Tibetan Buddhism is Goddess of compassion - https://teahouse.buddhistdoor.net/tears-of-tara/
Chinese  Kuan-yin is considered a female bodhisattva (a buddha who came back to help people out of compassion) - https://www.lionsroar.com/she-who-hears-the-cries-of-the-world/

[Gopi]

"TheFifth wrote:
It’s a weird framing which interprets every pain or unfortunate accordance as some cosmic punishment for something I did or thought. I think I underestimate how strong this framing still is for me. I always thought I did away with the religion of my upbringing in my adolescence but it’s really not so quickly done. "

The idea of God as bearded old white guy guy who sits above in the sky...
Watching us, dirty earth sinners who were kicked out of the amazing garden for being naughty, through 24/7 surveillance cameras...
Keeping score of all our sinful actions, dirty thoughts, and lustful dreams in an Excel sheet...
Giving us our test score of whether we passed or failed in life after we die...
Determining whether or not we get into a promised heaven of happily-ever-after or pushed into the depth of Dante's hell for all eternity...
Sending down thunderbolts and plagues to punish us if we don't tow the line as he says in a book or just because he is bored...
Gives you brownie points for good church attendance...
Exacting revenge on the mean baddies who all deserve to be punished and held accountable for their awful acts...
Rewarding us for resisting bad things and abandoning us when we do bad things...
Like the architect from the Matrix - all logic and no magic.
Did I miss anything else?

One of the big holds the church has over its parishioners is confession.
It can be immensely helpful to lay our burdens down with honesty and be genuinely reflective of our actions so that we can make real changes moving forward.
It can also instill a sense of being watched and make you much more pliant to the demands of the church, after all real confession means airing your dirty laundry.
A lot of gurus in different faiths abuse this kind of power.
Religion can have a powerful hold on our collective imagination about what God is and ought to be.

I do not identify with any specific religion although I freely admit to learning from people of all faiths.
I grew up in a very traditional Hindu household (mom is very religious and dad is agnostic), went to a Catholic Christian school, and prayed with my Muslim friends growing up.
During my early teens, I started having lots of questions that organized religion could not provide satisfactory answers to.
I also found the hypocrisy repellent in all religions.
Luckily, I somehow came across spiritual teachers who reaffirmed what I had suspected all along - my connection with God has got nothing to do with religion.
Faith is personal for me - no middlemen required.
I do not care what the rest of the world thinks or says about my relationship with the Divine.

Here is a question for you to think about: what is your relationship with the Divine?
I am not asking about what you believe or think it should be based on scriptures.
I am asking you to look at the presence of Divine in your life as you experience it.

Namaste!

[TheFifth]

I always see the hand of the divine in retrospect. When I look back at my life I see how I was being guided, or how the divine was working through me in ways I didn’t realize.

I’ve never been an atheist because that’s just not possible based on my experiences. I respect that atheists are working with the data they have and are having their own experience. Spirituality for me is embodied, an experience, which is interesting to consider because that’s not entirely congruent with my idea of myself as being an aloof and heady person. That’s almost a scapegoat of sorts. I feel the divine within me but the resistance is that sense of not being worthy. Shame. I think that’s my karmic bedrock

Running violet flame seems to be helping. A lot of practices seem to work better for me by gesture when I’m buried. Trying to shore up intention is difficult when there’s all that pushback from the shame but overriding it in certain ways seems helpful. I can tell it’s working when the tension becomes a sort of hyper excitability

[TheFifth]

The other night I was out at a bar and “crazy train” by ozzy started playing and kind of threw me into a bit of an episode, felt like I was relating to it a bit too much.

Came home, had vivid dreams, the “crazy vibe” was still strong. Thought, “well, if this is the plan for me, nothing I can do about it. Sort of an anti climactic way to go out, though.”

Thanked Goddess for a lot of stuff. Realized I want to be sane to be present with those I love, I know they wouldn’t want to lose me. Thanked her for my life, the sanity I have been granted with. Seemed to be a move in the right direction. Transient “going crazy” feeling has become what feels like a vascular a neck ache.

One day at a time. Someone yesterday was telling me what calming and gentle energy I have and I was thinking, “why can’t I get some of that?” Somewhat humorously.

[Mystress]

(A previous response got eaten when win10 decided to restart despite being told not to. )

  I am actually not sure I follow all that has been happening in this very interesting thread... what I am moved to share is the impression that you are all berating yourselves for a lack of faith. That is useless, so stop. You are also tracing where it comes from, which is excellent.

   Please, never become so arrogant and overconfident that you do not second guess yourself, ok? It is ok too, to ask for evidence or more information.

  Here is a story:  I keep a big, plastic outdoor type trash can in my office room, to help my aim. It was full, I tied it shut and requested my druid to get it to the curb for me. As I watched him pulling the bag out of the bin my gut said "stop." That bag cannot go to the curb, there is something in it that should not be. (oh no, not this obsession again!) I said nothing, argued with myself and the feeling, then went out to the curb and fetched it back, telling druid "this is my crazy."

  ADD can be obsessive and I can be especially with lost things. The worst of it was,  I already had one big black trash bag I had the same gut feeling about, waiting in the carport for months. Resistance to digging through trash played a major part of the drama for sure... but I was not sure if it was discernment or ... ADD obsession.

  I contacted a vamp, got the emotions snacked on but the gut feeling came right back along with some fatalistic clarity. If I did not look in the bags. I would always wonder and for the next few years if I could not find something I would wonder.. I know myself to be like that.  I accepted being trapped by my own curiosity, let go my resistance, grabbed some gloves and plastic bins and went for it.

   Glad I did. The newer bag held the missing battery cover for my trackball. No idea how it got in there, I had borrowed one from another trackball temporarily. The older bag had a 1" piece of threaded plastic pipe- the tap adapter for my waterbed fill kit. Two little pieces of plastic but both are essential components to devices that do not work without them. Discernment validated, but I do not regret the drama. I think, being aware of my ADD tendencies and how it can confuse discernment is healthy. It is "due diligence."

  When I was recovering from surgery in hospital in 2009. Goddess started dictating to me a book on awakening medical intuition in health care professionals. I was not in a good condition to take notes, - but I do remember a section on getting evidence.

   Nurses, interns etc outnumber doctors in a hospital, and spend more time with patients but they cannot make medical decisions without the supervisor, and that person will want evidence.
   The first part was basic psi training, but with a psychology & hypnosis focus rather than mystical.
  The second part was communication. Getting an intuitive impression about what is up with someone, then asking "what is the evidence" to get the second batch of info, the translation for public consumption. Asking intuition to draw attention to the signs of a condition, that can be shown to a doctor.

  Faith is like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. Blind leaps of faith benefit us, when they work out but without due diligence they can be misguided too. Goddess seldom requires them, feel free to ask for more insights, signs etc so long as you keep surrendering your interpretations too, see what is given back later.

[TheFifth]

In a much better place now. Don't know what changed other than somehow finding in myself to be genuinely thankful for my life, even the tough stuff. In a way the intensity of the difficulty is the very thing that pushes me toward the fundamental discovery. Seems pretty binary for me though; either exist in that intensely uncomfortable state or move into that state of emptiness where that suffering guy just felt like an illusion someone else was having.

A lot of stuff I used to care about has gone by the wayside over the course of my time here. Left brain feels essentially disabled in some respects but right brain feels turbo charged. When I'm not in that uncomfortable state the intuitive perception is quite remarkable. But, I guess all the stuff that is extraneous really is being stripped from me.

[Mystress]

You can count on the power of gratitude to throw a life line into any dark hole the mind might fall into.  Antidote for the sinking power chakra feeling. Gratitude is the second most powerful energy, after unconditional love and it is the direct opposite of resistance. So even if you do not know what resistance you are caught up in, directing attention toward gratitude for *anything* (except maybe vengeance) is a step away from resistance.

  "Joe vs the Volcano" is one of my favourite movies, so many spiritual truths and modeled on the Hero's journey. There is a scene where Joe is adrift on the sea, on a raft made of his luggage and dying because he has been giving what water they had to the unconscious captain. The moon rises, so big and bright and beautiful that he is overcome with awe and weeping, prays to what ever powers that be "Thank you for my life." Gives me goosebumps even remembering it.

The gratitude magic works, but no spoilers.
  You can find the whole movie free on youtube, last time I looked.

  Glad you are feeling better. Takes a bit of time to get the knack of being ascended.  Gratitude is a life line you can always count on.

[TheFifth]

Yeah I was wondering earlier if maybe some part of me was letting myself get muddy because it’s hard to believe I might already be there, ascension wise. Writings been on the wall for a while now. Seems like a body thing, like my body reaches certain developmental milestones regardless of how long it takes for me to get the memo. But I can tell because the old games no longer work

[TheFifth]

Definitely in novel territory. Some karmic residue in my stomach which is why I'm writing to see if I can unravel it a bit. Life is very different than it was even months ago, even who I am feels very different. It seems that the pseudo psychosis was like a passage way I was moving through to get to greater clarity. I guess with increased body vibration my ego just went nuts but it probably always was.

Anyway, don't know what else to say, really, lol. Going to be an eventful period ahead over the coming months; lots will be revealed about what sort of trajectory I'm going to be on. I'm sure there will be some surprises. Continuing to thank Goddess for my life and the gifts She has given. Feels good to sit and feel that joy in my upper stomach; feels like a part of me that just wants to create and experience things. I just want to live and love deeply, to see how deep astonishment can go. That part of me is just there, always was there, seems it always will be. It feels very comforting to know.

[TheFifth]

Weird belching kriya now, like vague sense of chest pressure/indigestion. No complaints, there always seems to be something -- dukkha I suppose? I guess I'm always going to be in some way, shape or form entangled with other people/humanity at large. Seem to be getting better at cruising for longer periods before hitting the snags.

I suppose the "over it" and tired feeling is right where I need to be right now. Hard to determine the line between burnout and beneficial character building difficulty, or whether any framing I can conceivably come up with is essentially irrelevant, or a point of fixation/attachment.

I guess the way out, per usual, is to prostrate myself and give thanks for the things I love and know that this too will pass.

[TheFifth]

Hmmm, more inflammatory immunity stuff than karma. Being too hard on myself, per usual. Interestingly enough, this is a cool discovery in that if I attribute everything to physical causes out of my control, at least there is peace of mind. Feels at least like a step in the direction of genuine surrender. Almost like little white lies to tell myself that may be literally false in some cases, but are metaphorically true because they serve the greater good and enhance well being.

Feels like I go in this recursive loop with pretty much all of this stuff, kind of like I've been trapped in it in a Groundhog Day sort of way. Suppose it's all trying to tell me something...

[Mystress]

  Kundalini orbit can feel almost bipolar sometimes. 

  I think it is ok to tell white lies to your monkey mind if it makes surrender easier but it looks a little like an avoidance behavior which makes me wonder, do you ever really relax?  Sit in a hot tub, get a massage, sit under a tree and do nothing at all?

  Karma stuff takes the form of tension in the body... do you ever really relax enough to feel where tension lingers? 

  Sometimes people have more than one ego... I did. For men it is more so because you have the basic ego and the male ego that is the band aid for the missing female social consciousness gene.  Consider that. Step back and look at the part of you that is so driven, career oriented, hard on yourself. What is he trying to prove? Male ego is so much about the social face, society's expectations about what it means to be a man. It is shaped more easily by environment and peer pressure than the central self.

  Disclosure: when you first started posting I thought you are female. When I realized you are not, I had to keep reminding myself of it. Really not sure why, your struggles with control and surrender are typically male. (women struggle too)  My sense is, male ego has not been a big deal to you, artists are often like that, slaves to the Muse. With most of you being ascended, what lingers looms larger to trip you up.

  I think if you spend some time relaxing, specifically choosing activities that serve no productive function at all, like going fishing in a lake that has no fish... the more driven parts of you will hate it and show themselves more clearly, to be surrendered.

  Get a massage, find out where your body is holding tension you did not notice. Be sure to get your vortex to clean up the therapist after, they are vulnerable to taking on stuff they release from others. 

[TheFifth]

Yes, all of this makes sense. Definitely relate on the bipolar bit, my dad had that Dx and I always was on the lookout for that in myself but I suspect he was awakened too but not aware of how to manage it.

The driven thing is somewhat new. I don't know what's come over me over the past year. I just got obsessed with music, practicing it, learning more about it, pushing myself to improve my playing. Hard to determine how much of it is inspiration and how much of it is ego perfectionism, but I think if I'm not in surrender it is going to get me into knots. It definitely has taken me places but I'm realizing that yeah, I need to relax. Before even reading this, I spent the day yesterday doing nothing and it was glorious. Grounding, clearing. Still feeling that frog in my throat feeling, somatic symptoms of some kind of karma knot there. Something to note.

I mean in my spirit I feel like I am female and I think it's confusing for people because my energy is nurturing and feminine I'm told. Throws people off, kind of enigmatic. Definitely have male traits but there's a lot of traditionally male roles I honestly don't care much for--but, I think some of it has made me feel self-conscious.

I'm just going to relax on the music stuff for a while, just chill and focus on balancing out my energies.

[TheFifth]

Yeah, sitting here right now I'm being informed that my issue is I've grown very attached to the music stuff. Letting it go.

[TheFifth]

Kind of wondering what else it is I'm holding onto. Relaxation seems to be process, will just keep easing into it. I guess I really just have to come to terms with the fact that whatever is meant to be will remain, or be new and improved after I've truly given it up. I can't keep trying to have my cake and eat it too with this stuff. I mean it stands to reason my dreams would be the hardest to give up and it's just so odd in a way how everything feels like it's coming to a head at once.