Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[Mystress]

I feel like I’m surrounded by flower fragrance. I can smell it. It’s very nice.

  The secondary chakras of the heart, Mercy and Severity, in the front they take the form of lilies and exude and indefinable yet floral and quite intoxicating fragrance.

[TheFifth]

I will try the things suggested here, besides laying off the coffee and taking it a bit easy and cleaning up my diet; but I do definitely suspect these palpably physical symptoms have a metaphysical basis because they ebb and flow with the apparent kundalini cycles and seem to correlate with general psychic/empathic sensitivity. The word "bliss" or crown chakra explosions aren't generally included in the symptoms for most medical disorders.

Will try feeding more systematically on all the myriad crap and crises out there and see if it aids in my overall recovery/health. I have been timid, timid in general lol maybe time to change that. Something definitely changed in me after clearing the childhood projection stuff but I suppose I need to shake off old habits.

[TheFifth]

I tried focusing on these populations and it worked, definitely felt uplifted. Cloudy-headedness and general absent-mindedness is still present, feels like a light-headed blood sugar-type issue which, of course, I’ve gotten tested and all was normal. I suspect there may end up being some lag between me feeding regularly and overall recovery of health and energy. Acute things seem to resolve quickly in general, chronic longer.

I guess that’s what it boils down to, individuals weren’t enough. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been drawn to dark aesthetics and music and had no idea why but I guess it hums with the energy I need. What scares other ppl is like a party for me.

Interestingly I’ve always presented with pallor, which mythological vampires I think usually did if I remember correctly or have my facts straight. Does that connection exist or more just serendipitous? Because it’s either that or like an iron deficiency thing or, potentially, just a lack of feeding.

[TheFifth]

Feeling better today. Will keep up the practice and see how much better I can feel over the coming days.

[TheFifth]

Looks like I’m now in the middle of the transformation I had always hoped would happen. I feel restored, alive like never before, fog lifting, a sense of joy and presence in the world I’ve honestly probably never felt before. I’m excited to see where this leads. Looks like the zombie era is finally over.

[Mystress]

  I am so happy for you!

  Validated too, what you are experiencing, is what Goddess showed me it is supposed to be like, to be a vampire in Her service. Joyous, ecstatic, blissful and so very vibrantly alive. Charismatic sparkly. Passionately engaged.

  The pallor I think is associated with starving, well fed sangs in mythology look healthy pink, a bit flushed. Take a look in the mirror after your next snack, especially the eye sparks. 

What scares other ppl is like a party for me.

  Vampires are so fun.

[TheFifth]

It seems at least some of my improvement is from a DHEA supplement I started taking which was recommended due to my high cortisol and honestly I think it has worked wonders for me. My adrenals were shot from all the stress from so many sources. Sometimes I wonder if the "radical chemistry" going on with the kundalini over so many years stressed my adrenals as well. It's difficult to tease apart what exhaustion and negative emotional states were from starvation or the other inflammatory processes occurring in the body. Either way, the mental clarity and increased verbal fluency is very welcome and just in time as work picks up with a bigger caseload. My vortex loves what I'm doing now for work.

[TheFifth]

More insights pouring in pertaining to surrender. Hard to put into words. Been feeling very clean over the past week and came to understand on some level that Goddess and I are the same mind; when I surrender deeply the duality kind of melts away to varying degrees.

Karma is definitely still drawn to me, some residue sticks but it seems that the mediator is my use of freewill to surrender the residue every day. Karma yoga, I suppose. Kind of cool having gone from a walking people repellent to suddenly seeming to have charisma and magnetism; not too hung up on that, though. There’s a sort of freedom in not being so caught up in identity. Stuff just pops into consciousness; I get through the day; reality does what it will.

My vortex seemed to work on someone and I had this experience of the illusion between her and I and anything really just crumble away, and I felt this place where everything is one; laughter is the only way to respond lol. Seeing identity to narrative and sense of separateness from the outside seems unavoidably humorous.

[TheFifth]

Seems to be a lot of benefit to practicing soul meditation. I seem to have a split between mind and body and tend to linger in the head and I suspect this is part of why I accumulate karma. I blow it all out, then in a week or so it fills back in. Interestingly enough I was reflecting a bit on how my libido basically disappeared 12 or so years ago which I always attributed to depression. But it seems part and parcel of a broader lack of vitality stemming from this disconnection. Being a trash can is beyond old at this point. I asked Goddess for some kind of mercy; surely there must be some kind of subtle reward for this life of service I've taken on. Something. Some fleeting comfort. Answer seemed to be soul meditation. We'll see.

[TheFifth]

My soul seems to be a storehouse of a lot of the excitement I've been missing over the years. It seems to want to play in this form and have creative fun. I've always felt it pulling me, as if calling me from some point in the future, like when I just start doing stuff, developing talents or skills only to utilize them later in ways I could not have expected. Interesting stuff. Seems I have been on the right track and it's more a matter of my perspective.

[Mystress]

  Soul energy is an excellent defense against unwanted empathy.

  The longer you observe the breath, the more the soul joy energy expands to fill your body, and when you are full of you like that, there is not room for other folks stuff.

  Soul joy is a non-dual energy, and it is all the same alchemy. Duality stuff that is karma, meets the non-dual, karma stuff is transmuted.

  So, yeah, if you have discipline to practice enough to keep your body topped up with soul vibe, the incoming empathy stuff gets zapped at the edges of your field and does not reach your core self.

  You can ask to see how it works on me, all the folks who put my photo on an altar and pray for me to take their karma... that stuff is transmuted autopilot.

  There is also a karma yoga benefit in doing the group vamping. It is the sort of workout that expands your central channel. The central channel is not limited to the dimensions of the spinal cord as some people think. Mine is a bit wider than my shoulders and yours is about the width of your neck. The bigger the river, the rarer the logjams. Logjams are not a problem for the Nile, or the Amazon.

  Karma cleansing and energy hygiene is a daily discipline. More than that, it is mindfulness, noticing what is incoming, including observing your own thoughts and surrendering or transmuting stuff as it appears. You can surrender or transmute at the speed of thought, why wait a week for the grimy buildup to start to cramp your style?

  Sometimes connected to self worth: do you believe you deserve to feel awesome, clean and charismatic all the time and are you willing to apply yourself to the discipline required to have that?

My vortex seemed to work on someone and I had this experience of the illusion between her and I and anything really just crumble away, and I felt this place where everything is one; laughter is the only way to respond lol. Seeing identity to narrative and sense of separateness from the outside seems unavoidably humorous.

Buddha laughing kriyas are way more fun than barfing kriyas. The fat laughing Buddha statue,  with his hands in the air in a big WTF shrug, laughing at the cosmic joke.

  That is also, how your vortex guide experiences the world. Few years back I discovered vortexes cannot see the various types of identity splinters like sock puppets of traumatic stress, entities or the sort of self created demon that was un-created to resolve your throat issue. Shaman portal guardians, by contrast are extremely aware of areas of separation. The respective guides are specialists.

  More insights pouring in pertaining to surrender. Hard to put into words. Been feeling very clean over the past week and came to understand on some level that Goddess and I are the same mind; when I surrender deeply the duality kind of melts away to varying degrees.

  The Planetary Consciousness is deeply wired into all of our minds, but like the vortexes, respect for free will keeps Her silent, invisible unless some choice makes Kundalini awaken. Grounding establishes the connection, the peace is Her peace. In many ways, the part of your mind that is Her, is much more real than the ego and its illusions. Ground deeply, surrender deeply, set ego aside and your mind is Hers. No separation... Self realization.

  Your growing is beautiful to watch.

[TheFifth]

Yeah it looks like I’m just in a place now where daily energy hygiene is crucial because I feel like things have really opened up lately. It’s like I either feel clear and ecstatic or I’m overshadowed with weird irritability that I know isn’t me, but is likely clinging to something resonant in me.

I think it is one of those things where despite my self worth issues over the years, Goddess has other plans for me, like she likes proving me wrong and toying with my limited perspective on myself. I guess it’s a sort of playfulness.

But yeah the hygiene and soul meditation I think will help even out the ebb and flow and reduce these repeated mini dark night-type experiences.

[TheFifth]

The karma yoga thing seems to be evolving me rapidly now. Who would have thought that with my empathy being in such close contact with human pain and the human condition almost daily would serve such a function. I guess it is forcing me to adapt and get stricter in my practice.

Getting home and clearing can be quite a trip, surrendering the vague but powerful and persistent emotional impressions. Feels like I’m just swimming in an ocean of energies and impressions. Everyday physical reality feels less real, or at least equally as real, as that dimension.

I feel called to get back into spiritual practice and psychological studies. I’ve been caught up in this sort of musical odyssey over the past year, chasing a dream of sorts, giving it its dues in a way. I always underestimate my powers of manifestation because anything I really focus on seems to happen. It’s crazy how the sequences of events can line up to manifest something.

My reality bends according to my attention, which I never understood or always underestimated. I don’t usually feel that powerful. But the music taking off is completely uncanny and feels like a dream; yet, some part of me wonders, is that truly what I want to spend my life doing? I don’t want to get swept up into some tangent line of experiences that aren’t really what I was supposed to do or be.

I guess small steps. Something about the past few months has felt so hollow, like I’m just drifting along, almost aimlessly; doing cool things, no doubt, but it’s probably the closest to being spiritually “unawakened” I’ve ever felt.

So, there’s music, touring, recording, practicing and all the humdrum daily realities of that. Lots of roughing it. It’s a passion, a dream, and playing and channeling that energy is a joy. But then there’s the psychology, the study of addiction and psychological disorders which seems to bring me joy that eclipses the music. Can I do both? Probably, but I don’t want one to take excessive time away from the other. I’ve always felt so liable to go astray just because I have these interests and areas I get sucked into until my curiosity is exhausted.

I suppose just chill out and keep up with the grounding and surrender. I don’t like to make sudden changes and I know life can have many aspects, twists and turns. I know that the intensity of my focus, that one-track mindedness on a given area of passion is an asset and a gift, and I want to use it the way Goddess wants me to. Big questions, just thinking out loud here.

[Gopi]

"I always underestimate my powers of manifestation because anything I really focus on seems to happen. It’s crazy how the sequences of events can line up to manifest something. "

When we are grounded and in surrender, we are in sync with the universal flow and everything aligns.
Chi energy is personal power and Shakti is cosmic power.
By surrendering to Goddess, our everyday dharma (right action/duty) is to express and experience life as a gift.
A lot of patriarchal spiritual traditions emphasize cultivating Chi energy and ideas about scarcity (save semen).
In some ways, we can control and direct Chi energy towards what we want - work hard towards your goal.
Trying to control or tell Shakti what to do is... umm... not advisable.
Kundalini is path of surrender - Thy will be done.

"I’ve always felt so liable to go astray just because I have these interests and areas I get sucked into until my curiosity is exhausted. "

I understand the need to focus and stick to goals. But there is nothing wrong with having multiple interests. Goddess made your brain curious and imaginative. Why starve it? Why does everything we do have to become a linear progress and profitable career? If it brings you joy, do it!
And what a lovely problem to have - I have too many interesting things that I want to pursue

Namaste!
Gopi

[TheFifth]

Yeah I suppose the curiosity and just doing cool stuff in general is a good thing. I think the key is the lens through which I'm seeing things, and how muddy/clear it is. Had a good soul meditation today and have that warm inner feeling of transmutation. Seems all the karmic gunk really does feed me once I can get it transmuted. The volume of incoming stuff right now is high, and it feels like there's a thin line between ecstasy and that familiar feeling of depression and approaching/flirting with psychosis.

Don't want to go there, lol. Motivated to remain consistent in practice. So far the soul meditation works best for me, which I suppose is a good diagnostic as to why the stuff accumulates -- I need to be filled with more me, believe I'm worth it, etc.

[TheFifth]

Definitely feels like time to deepen my sadhana. That consciousness waking to itself feeling is strong. Things are so much smoother working from that silent place. Feels like the door to duality is closing, just can’t handle it anymore. With how sensitive I’ve become I need to be and remain squeaky clean, lest I seemingly instantly pick up the symptoms of my clients.

It’s not even that anymore though. Just, projections from people, the humdrum daily variety that nobody probably thinks about but they’re very sharp. Hard with family for the holidays, too. Brother very unhappyâ€"it hangs around him like a cloud I have felt for years, used to pick it up and become depressed in his presenceâ€"and judgmental of me and how I live, doesn’t get it. I love him deeply, we used to bond over music, bands and the like but these days he’s always so tense, serious, expects everyone to be the same. I find myself laughing now because Goddess is telling me he’s perfect and I’m on the verge of starting to make my own projections. Things work out, are the way they are. If I can get clearer over the coming days maybe I can vamp some of that and relieve him a bit, if called for.

It’s for the best though; it’s so much nicer being clear. Ego has just been doing what ego does, resisting its demise, avoiding, making excuses. Literally any resistance anywhere inside of me has become toxic now. Time to move forward, cleanse deeply, see what happens.

[TheFifth]

Seems the end of a very short counseling career may be in order. I'm sure not the *end* but a switch to a less challenging population is probably in the cards. I seem to be under psychic attack from a client with severe trauma - complex case, very tiring. If not attack, definitely picking stuff up. Heat, panic attacks (new phenomenon for me), low resolution hallucinations. Making it difficult to be present for the holidays, but trying. Become very good at soldering through such things.

I'm either doing the wrong thing career wise and too stubborn to get the message, or this is a lesson about boundaries. Either way, a part of me does wonder wtf I was thinking going into this field, knowing my sensitivities. Stakes seem high, may not make it out of this one. Then again, I always feel that way when this happens.

Tons of soul meditation, grounding, surrender sessions. Brings up a lot of heat, but the sense of impending doom like the walls are closing in on me continue. Assuming heat is a positive sign. I feel that the whole becoming a positive attachment figure for traumatized ppl thing would eventually be the end of me. Service seems built into me but I am not a martyr, I love life too much. If there is a line between positive therapeutic relationship and whatever this is that's going on right now, I need to find it, fast.

[TheFifth]

Feeling better writing about this here. The writing process in general seems to be a good way for me to process energies like this, and I've kind of been away from it for a while.

[Gopi]

" I feel that the whole becoming a positive attachment figure for traumatized ppl thing would eventually be the end of me. Service seems built into me but I am not a martyr, I love life too much. "

Real growth.

When I was younger, I used to think of myself as the 'giver' which is ego-boosting but if you keep digging deeper you will find there is deep seated fear behind the martyr mask.
Being a giver can easily become clever ego game of being in a position of power and control.
No vulnerability means no possibility of getting hurt - build your own fortress of solitude.
Martyrs are usually awful at accepting love from others, which is really sad if you think about it.
Keep on giving without accepting anything makes martyrs cranky and severely judgmental of others even for small mistakes.
The hand which feeds must also be fed.

There is also a 'childish asshole' hiding inside the martyr - 'life hurt me and so I am going to get back at life by punishing myself.'
It is a combination of being hurt by others and feeling helpless to do anything about it that turns the anger inwards.
Just like children can get back at their parents by being stubborn little POS sometimes, martyrdom may appear as self-sacrifice but in reality it is all about control, punishing, and shaming others and not about improving your own life or helping others.
I am not saying that real martyrs do not exist in life but most of the time we tend to romanticize childish behavior (that has real pain) as martyrdom.
I have done this in the past.
Your realization made me smile.

One of my fav teacher Ram Dass passed away on Dec 22, 2019.
I love this particular quote from Ram Dass - "I help people as a work on myself and I work on myself to help people."
Genuine maturity and true service.
It is wonderful that you want to help and serve others - Goddess built that into you.
You are able to serve your best when you are: happy and overflowing (or) cranky and exhausted?
There are different ways of serving people - and as you have rightly pointed out becoming a crutch for someone else is not helping either of you.
When people go through difficult times, they need someone to lean on (which is human).
And honestly, it does feel nice to be there for someone in their hour of need - it gives purpose and meaning to our life.
Problem kicks in when support becomes dependency and it goes both ways.
Victims need heroes but equally so heroes need victims (because there is no hero-saviour if there is no one to save).

Thank you for sharing your progress.
Happy holidays.

Namaste!
Gopi

[TheFifth]

I think the issue here is twofold: primarily, it is that small part of me that does not "stand up for myself" energetically and yeah, I suspect there is something underneath somewhere, some part of me that somehow feels empowered being in that helper role. I teeter back and forth between self-sacrifice and detachment from others, but when I look under both of these I just see that they are defenses against the underlying belief that I'm essentially powerless.

I've been thinking about this all day. Do I have faith? When I really examine the *biggest* thing that's holding me back, and now seems to be getting me beat up, it is that I don't seem to have sufficient faith. If I had faith, I would be able to transmute all this stuff at the speed of thought. I know this.

There's this small flinching part of me that, even more than lacking faith, seems to *react* against even he thought of it, or even doing this work, any of it. Which is funny because if the light didn't exist, or Goddess didn't exist, why flinch defensively? It's almost like a proof of sorts.

So, is it a lack of faith, or is it something under that--again, maybe the sense of unworthiness? Ultimately, I feel that what's going on here is it's time for me to grow up, spiritually. I've been putting it off for years now. I think for now that will mean meditating on and releasing the flinching part of me in a piecemeal manner, maybe keep reflecting on the self-worth stuff and the *resistance* to faith. That's it--it's not a lack of faith, but resistance to it. And what's under that? Fear.

Think I may have just found the dam...

[TheFifth]

I think it may have been a Jung quote about the value of looking where we least want to look. Definitely feels apt here.

[TheFifth]

Definitely feel cleaned up but a bit spaced out but what else is new in that regard. I guess a new altitude. Still shakti pressure and heat in the body but feels busy at work accommodating recent changes. Identifying and clearing this stuff on the body level before it spills out into my daily reality is definitely the way to go from here on out.

[TheFifth]

Seems my work lately has drawn the attention of some nasty entities which seemed to be the source of the panic attacks. They’re kind of stealthy but running violet flame for a while seemed to piss them off enough so I could use entity clearing on them. Good opportunity to try out a new technique I suppose.

[Gopi]

" When I really examine the *biggest* thing that's holding me back, and now seems to be getting me beat up, it is that I don't seem to have sufficient faith. If I had faith, I would be able to transmute all this stuff at the speed of thought."

Faith in what?
I am quoting Mystress' response from earlier threads here because it seems apt. Hope some of it helps you.

"Sometimes if Goddess won't take something, it is because you are not done with it, yet.. it has a message for you. Talk to it, ask it what it wants and what it's for and where it came from. Probably it is a manifestation of some decision you made about reality in your childhood. 
finding reasons for things can be an ego-trap of looking for reasons, that's why I don't suggest it in the entity clearing.. but if Goddess won't take it then it is a gift for you.. you have to unwrap the gift to make the free will decision to surrender it. Digging for jewels. Clearing Karma can be like a treasure hunt and a mystery an adventure movie and a romance all rolled up together. You can talk to everything, you can speak to your internal organs and your computer.. so long as you are grounded, the heart voice will translate.

It’s not that Goddess gives you more than you can handle, but that resisting Goddess can make one hell of a mess. It is our resistance that causes stress. Issues do get easier if you can clear them as energy patterns in the body rather than approaching them with the ego. Sometimes that is not possible, Goddess wants you to see what you surrender so that you can make proper free will decisions..

By sidestepping your conscious awareness, it also sidesteps much of your ego resistance. You cannot struggle with what you don't know about. If you know what was going on, it would take you longer to get to the "feel it in my veins" phase. The more you can let go of needing to know, the faster the work clearing your body can occur."

[TheFifth]

Thank you, Gopi,

It probably is more so the gratitude / gift part that I've been having the most trouble with. Very judgmental and hard on myself, spilling into this work. I think it stems from some childhood experiences and low self-efficacy. Probably some gift in there waiting for me if I can come to see it