Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[Mystress]

Its all about increasing your vibration, the feeling of Presence when you manage to get yourself out of the way.

  I mentioned I keep asking, what is my job now? What does it mean to be Avatar as it seems nobody has done that before. A lot of it is, keep doing what I have been doing, but it comes flavoured with new insights that make me think, that I got stalled on FST updates because I did not yet have the missing pieces.

  FST to me, looks more like a training manual for plugging your mind into the planetary consciousness for active participation in your own evolution.  Kundalini is  a side effect. The connection to the planet, is central.  It is like the vortexes in that She is already so wired into us, pulling our strings individually and as a species but too respectful of our free will to let us know unless we choose.  Happy to hide in our ideas of all the God-desses.

I have said before that grounding is like plugging your mind into Hers,... that he peace you feel when grounded, is Her peace seems so obvious that I wonder is it new info or something known and forgotten?

  How She speaks through my heart and the visions and words She sends to my mind are not the same; different expressions through different chakras. 

  Well... I paused writing to contemplate my life especially my current issues with being too incapacitated to clean and declutter my house. Looking at the pile of clothes etc piled on top of Ms Marvell the super massage chair across from me, beneath the big TV that is my new monitor... I felt something looking back at me and noticed a reptile  eye... it took me a moment to identify the species because I was not expecting a visitor...

There is the head of the Fire Serpent, looking right at me with his left eye. His iridescence reflecting FST colours from the TV screen omg, so beautiful.  FST is the path back to Her that is encoded in our DNA. He represents the cosmic spirit and wisdom of all DNA, and the wheel of life that is Orouborus.

  Showing up in the real to remind me there is good reason this course bears His name.  I guess I should not be quite so surprised, I invited him to devour me last night... as I do every few years, usually when I am feeling very tired and burnt out.

In the real world this amazing random (Goddess did it) art is a slightly crumpled black shipping bag containing some clothes I ordered online and plan to return.  I took a snapshot so you can see and feel his presence, lol I am not tripping. Born of chaos and randomness, the Gods can show up like that when we need them. 





Not to derail your thread, I will copy these paragraphs to a new one. http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1633.0.html Comments on the photo be directed there.

  So there is a spectrum to feeling Her presence, the basic level is grounding. If grounding is followed by observing the breath the feeling of presence is much enhanced  At the moment when it feels like Goddess is breathing you, and it soon intensifies as She starts up with the pranayama and in addition to observing the breath you can observe how She uses it to purify and enhance the body. When you are purified the connection is clearer and the Presence is more immediate.  The more you do it, the better it gets, because you are staying purified and practice means you drop into the guided breathing state and presence within the first or second breath. This makes it very accessible as something to do in stray moments of the day, like waiting for an elevator, or as a natural pause when making any decision. 

  It is all about vibration, going back to the basic mechanics of purification. The karma stuff makes blockages in the energy body that impede the flow of life force. The more you release the emotional noise karma stuff, the more room there is for the life energy to flow and along with that comes an increase in vibration that is like an elevator to a better life experience. Where the Divine self is present to guide choices and provide for needs, through a flow of elegant synchronicities.

  Alchemy, lead into gold. Gold is a superconductor, and we become superconductors for our Divine self, for the earth energy and Her presence comes along with. It is actually always there, wired in our DNA but awareness and receptive gratitude makes a big welcome.

Predestination and free will. The co-creation dance, Goddess and Fire Serpent. Planet and DNA and free will of the individual ego to choose their life experience - whether they accept they are choosing or not. 

[TheFifth]

No worries about derailing, I'm glad when the thread stimulates writing or teaching.

It seems that is what I am plugging into, or, rather, noticing more lately. Last night I interacted with that planetary consciousness and she responded, subtly, but I'm learning how my body experiences her vibration; feels like strong grounding--sort of. I remember marveling "you're real!" and feeling the response.

I recently went through a particularly dark depression of sorts, but it made me realize a lot about how my monkey mind works--self-knowledge I suppose--and the stuff it gets me into. I guess it led me to a spot where I realized that all I really can do is prostrate myself, literally, figuratively, however I can set that intention and embody it, express it.

I'm like a walking warehouse of all these aspects, some very stupid and juvenile, some intelligent and insightful. For the longest time I thought I had to get a handle on these things. Makes me think of a close family member who's all about "discipline, discipline, discipline" which usually lasts for a few weeks before the wheels fly off and the whole project has to restart from scratch. I suppose, for me, it's just more patriarchal control-based stuff imitating genuine spirituality.

The vibration is rising, the narrative-based sense of self feels flimsy but the most neurotic parts seem most persistent. I get these spells, or panic-attack type experiences where my mind will fixate on something--a sound, a phrase--and I'll feel flung into an intense, but usually brief episode of ego dissolution where it feels like time stops and that particular sound or phrase is all there is. Usually seems to happen after coffee (bad habit I need to break) but it seems to exemplify for me that sense of fragility of ego right now.

Anyway, with all the neurotic bits, like I said, prostrating myself--every day, for as long as it takes--feels like all I can do. I had spent the greater part of a year working in addiction treatment and it took me a while to notice signs of burnout from this--weird anger, cynicism. It has felt like a heavy cloud has followed me ever since, almost like I'm injured somehow, and some part of me feels like I need to acknowledge this injury and somehow give it articulation and love so it can heal. I wish on some level my vortex would just eat it all in one fell swoop. It is so adept at drawing empathy and I seem so inept at just letting it happen.

[TheFifth]

I should probably start a regimen of deep grounding followed by observing the breath to really do a deep cleaning.

[TheFifth]

Holy kriyas! Didn’t think they would happen to me but wow - looks like it’s what my body has wanted to do for a while now. I just had to let it happen. Had me flopping like a loose garden hose. Strong visions of animals and chimpanzees, ear ringing. Feels like body wisdom I was somehow neglecting for all this time. Of course the body doesn’t want to be bogged down with stuff. The quick jerk seems centered in my stomach and seems to want me to arch my torso back. Just moving with it letting it do it’s thing

[Mystress]

  Kriyas good!  Observing the breath is the fastest way to get back in touch with the body when you are out of it, and people who think too much, spend a lot of time out of it. Forging deeper connection with the body, empowered it to take action to clear itself.

[TheFifth]

Yes -- I practically live in the head and cognition and rarely realize it. Looks like aiming gratitude energy at the solar plexus regularly will be a good adjunct practice, as well. Seems to switch the frame and the energy transmutes into joy and laughter. The liability I seem to have - and need to be mindful of - is getting trapped in the "depressed frame" and forgetting or losing sight of the "gratitude frame."

As an experiment a few days ago I called on the fire serpent to come snack on all the stuff and definitely felt a response; though, he didn't take everything. In retrospect I think he wanted to leave the rest for the vortex. He was very responsive to my prayer though and cleared me quite well though; but more than that, I seemed to gain a lot of insight into the wheel of life, the changing seasons and even the renewing, revitalizing power of death when structures become stale. It was quite a beautiful and humbling snapshot to which no words could do justice

[TheFifth]

Seems to be a period of pretty intense transition. Think I've finally realized that grounding and surrender was working--I was just expecting to get all cleared out too quickly (stuff is always incoming) and was sort of treading that line between maintaining the discipline and falling into resistance and karmic overload without realizing it. Either way, it feels like I've gotten on my feet a bit better with everything realizing that every day is a series of small choices to surrender or resist. There is the sense hanging around that I've been initiated, in a way, into something quite deep and that the Gods are smiling on me, or, rather, working with me since I've resolved to help myself/affirm my commitment to this path and to service in general. Lot's of Egyptian imagery and synchronicity-type experiences and nighttime encounters with that Mayan/Aztec chaotic "trip" vibe with that tangible sense that there is something staring back at me. I figure probably best surrendered as it comes up -- stuff working itself out through symbolic representation?

People around me have suddenly gotten quite friendly, which is nice. Definitely a lot of "fear in the air" down here in the states, though, which seems to be incoming and processing automatically granted that I keep up this discipline I seem to have refined over the past few weeks.

[TheFifth]

I honestly thought the stupor I was in would never end but I think a fundamental shift has finally come. Right now it just feels like all I can really do is just enjoy the view, and it's nice. This relief and dawn could not have come at a better time. So, so grateful.

[TheFifth]

Continuing practice of getting more in the body and letting it do its thing. Heat, lots of heat. Kriyas come and go. The heat is actually blissful if I surrender and open to it. This heightened energy has been working me for a few months now, mainly experienced as decreased ability to keep train of thought, make decisions and remain organized. Scatter brained, less coherent thought processes, much shorter-winded in writing.

I sort of surrendered to the energy, trusting it knows what to do even if I feel like I’m frying, and saw a stream of archetypal imagery, one of which where I felt like a burning Christ on the cross which felt very cleansing.

Dumping overload interestingly doesn’t help the frying like it used to. It’s almost like the Shakti set-point or default is higher now and the onus is on me to adjust.

[Mystress]

 I wondered if you were dumping overload when I read about the stupor.
 
  Heat is usually tummo fire, it can activate spontaneously... would not surprise me if the vortexes took a template for that too. Do you find your eyes are burning like you got smoke in them? Mine were tearing for months and I thought it was allergies until I figured out its tummo fire smoldering, like wet leaves on a campfire.  Usually something I did not have consent to burn.

  The resolution is like flue paper. Start with the root, imagine the spark of each chakra in turn, burning white hot like a welders torch for a few minutes each. Crank it up and blow it clean, then surrender the fire to Goddess again.

I mentioned to a student recently, that it is not unusual to find someone standing *in* the campfire at sunset beach on my secondlife island.  I am not quite sure how it came to be possessed by Bael and some fire elementals, but they do enjoy snacking on the emotional energy that is karma stuff, when invited to.

Ask your vortex to take whatever is interfering with your ability to focus. Might be able to negotiate, like having focus at work in exchange for two hours doing nothing but spacing out in the evening. Ask what is possible.

[TheFifth]

My eyes tend to be teary from allergies though I have noticed they seem inflamed lately in a manner correlating with the gradual decrease in focus and ability to think straight. I have had a few people observe that they look somewhat different, less focused. Looking in the mirror I feel my eyes look kind of frazzled. If this is tummo fire it activated months ago and has been increasing since and I'm only now getting the memo. It does feel different from kundalini heat that has occurred off and on over the years. Sort of opening up to it and letting it cleanse me feels good and "right." If I don't the stupor, sort of stoned feeling grows.

[TheFifth]

Hmm lighting the chakras knocked me out for a nap and then induced minor nausea which may just be coincidental with something I ate or something.

[TheFifth]

I’m guessing this is the new tech or the chakra lighting I did earlier. The illness definitely feels metaphysical with lots of second sight. Someone was showing me the light at the center of the planet, explaining its where we come from and go back to. Heat and cold in my body, areas of pressure, some sense of restlessness. Feels like a fever. Quite dramatic but I’m willing to ride it out to see the other side. I’m not surprised by the intensity considering how deep these health issues have been.

Orrr this is just the suspect salad I ate earlier. Feels like some kind of vibrational flu though.

[Mystress]

  Somewhat inconclusive conversation with the vamp vortex egregore. Incomplete consent on both sides, led to incomplete activations. Never occurred to me that a vamp would need tummo fire but they are like doting parents wanting to offer every advantage. Since tummo is potentially within everyone just like Kundalini, not sure why they needed my work at all? Something about templates and efficiencies. Seems they need me/my quantum self to sort it out. Seems they were not sure I would agree to vamps getting free tummo... but it is Queen's work. Makes my liver ache a bit, vamp that for me? ty.

Could be time travelled, you experiencing it before I agreed to do it. Manipulative little buggers! It's like druid's "It is easier to get forgiveness after, than consent before." Mess it up and ask me to fix it instead of asking me in the first place?

  Barfing kriyas are a thing.  When energy work gives you nausea, flow with it. Go bend over a toilet bowl for some unpleasant but extremely cleansing dry heaves, puking up karma. Rarely will you actually vomit, its an energy release but the raaaalphing can be really intense anyway. Barfing up some crap you swallowed, I find it is most often associated with negative projections from adults, as a child. Verbal abuse or negative beliefs. Might be additional benefits, for vampires. Flush after,  to complete the surrender.

Someone was showing me the light at the center of the planet, explaining its where we come from and go back to.

So true and so beautiful.

  Reminds me of a little heretic girl in church, confused by the priest saying Heaven above and Hell below when I knew for sure it was wrong because I had been there, in that light,  and it was all love and felt feminine. Said to me "you are My child..."  We all are.

[TheFifth]

Rough night, but I have reason to believe it was food poisoning now and I was just reading into it too much. (Ended up not keeping food downâ€"sounds more like infection). Weird timing but worst seems over now.

[TheFifth]

Negative projections from adults were definitely a thing for me as a kid. It would make sense that stuff like that would come up. Whatever all this is, just flowing with it. Seems my guide is very active and up to things I have no idea about.

[TheFifth]

Interesting deeper layer here revealed from all of this. I always wondered why as a boy I started displaying signs of having been neglected or abused, even though my parents never did such things. It was the vamp projections and disapproval I seemed to draw from people around me. So obvious. I felt it. It turned me into a slumped puppy with its tail between its legs and it’s always remained with me.

Everywhere I go and in everything I do, I expect, or wait for this disapproval. If it doesn’t come swiftly I act in ways to bring it about, or to sabotage myself. I’ve lived this out over and over again the past few decades, but the realization of itâ€"actually isolating and localizing itâ€"is incredible.

Goddess, thank you so much for helping me find this. Please take this from me; I offer it up as a gift for you, all yours. Thank you so very much.

[TheFifth]

There’s a distinct scent too that’s hanging around through all of this. I’ve been having weird scents come and go over the past few months. Can’t really liken them to anything because they’re too vague.

[TheFifth]

Feels like I’m posting a lot but there’s a lot going on right now. The barfing kriyas continue as does the overall malaise. Literally feels like coughing up invisible poison. Feeling more and more like this is a spiritual flu related to cleansing. The karma in my body feels like death. Sure it’s been there a while. Doing my best to stay out of the way and act out the kriyas when necessary. This latter part feels important. I’ve had “retching “ kriyas before in the past but never this severe and pronounced.

Would think my vortex would have a field day with all this stuff, odd it seems to need to be cleared “manually” like this, or expelled rather than eaten, but I guess I must be that buried in absence of consent. I’ve told it to have at it so many times but I guess there’s parts of me holding on somehow. I guess there’s many roads to Rome even for someone has lumpen and stubborn as me

[Mystress]

  Vortexes cannot see identity splinters like sock puppets or demons. Not sure why, shaman guides are totally on it. Sounds like your other symptoms predate my discovery but the more recent are since your request on another thread.

  (Does the thing...)

[TheFifth]

Much better today! Feel lighter overall like it was a good purging. Baseline feels more surrendered/peaceful than ever before. I guess I'm kind of confused on the difference/relationship between identity splinters and karma -- seems the former is deeper ingrained and even semi autonomous? Definitely had some strange identities hanging around/overshadowing me over the years and awareness of them seemed to get increasingly more visceral over the past few months and impetus has grown. I suppose with the splinters it would make sense I'd need to go in and integrate them manually.

May have more dry heaves which I'll flow with.

[TheFifth]

They didn't feel like inanimate karma but they weren't quite entities either.

[Mystress]

I guess I'm kind of confused on the difference/relationship between identity splinters and karma -- seems the former is deeper ingrained and even semi autonomous? Definitely had some strange identities hanging around/overshadowing me over the years and awareness of them seemed to get increasingly more visceral over the past few months and impetus has grown. I suppose with the splinters it would make sense I'd need to go in and integrate them manually.

People rarely know about their splinters. They get pushed into shadow, invisible.

It is like the difference between a scar or wound, and an amputation. Except what got amputated does not die because consciousness is immortal, so it is a fragment of consciousness seeking re-integration because being split is cold and lonely.

[TheFifth]

Discernment is back and feels supercharged, like if I just tune into it and keep listening it will take me the rest of the way. Ache in the power chakra feels about 80% reduced which is tremendous for me. Maybe the tummo helped chip away at it? Who knows, many events and moving parts here that are all connected. The way everything played out over the past week was unbelievably parsimonious.

Thank you Mystress for your help and guidance through this. I asked my vortex to clean up anything that didn’t go cleanly. He seemed to joke “that I can handle.” He can handle a lotâ€"indeed, wants toâ€"the splinters were just a relatively small but consequential sticking point.

[TheFifth]

This other stuff feels like resistance to being embodied and manifest in the world. Probably more splinters to integrate. It's always been so automatic that it's invisible to me but obvious by the way I've always carried my body.