Influx of Spirit

[TheFifth]

A few days agoâ€"in a bit of frustration at my diagnosis of chronic lack-of-faithâ€"I determined that, at least for now, I needed to find some kind of work-around. In coming to this decision, I decided to try a new approach to surrendering: burnt offerings. I find the ritual agreeable, and it is most gratifying to feed Kali and offer the ashes as a gift for the Earth; the active engagement seems to help me bypass the inner-doubt and poor self-efficacy I’ve been dealing with for so long, and I felt both Kali and the Earth smiling on me over the following days.


I knew quickly that the ritual heralded a major turning point when there was an immediate emotional release like I’ve never had before. My body thanked me. And now, every morning when I wake up to that dreadful, ever-familiar sense of emotional congestion and “stuck-ness,” I simply resolve to get grounded and perform this ritual: writing it all out and burning it.


And my word! The changes are miraculous in the truest sense of the word: I feel almost reborn. Suddenly, everything runs so much smoother, synchronicity and flowâ€"grace, I supposeâ€"is very strong and most importantly, I’m more at peace. I’ve tended toward dissociation a lot over the past year, and for a while I thought I was on my way to losing my sanity. I still feel like I’m being drawn into that deep, deep silenceâ€"but it no longer scares me.


Nonetheless, the sheer power of this is something to adjust to; it’s like I changed almost overnight. Life has become like a sublime dream, and I’m like wowâ€"almost like if I keep moving at this pace, the very ground may give way from under me. There is an immense sense of expansiveness, somewhat reminiscent of an entheogenic experience I had where reality had no bottom and all-pervading paradox revealed itself beyond any mere abstraction. The thought of going that deep againâ€"and of taking up residence in such a place full-timeâ€"does generate some fear.


But the things that I’m giving upâ€"I mourn a lot of it during the release, but I won’t miss it. That hunched over, scared little boy who doesn’t want to engage with the world, who wants to hideâ€"the whole shtick was growing stale with age. Over the past few days, I’ve finally been able to look to world in the eye. The other day I gave a presentation in front of a large group of studentsâ€"something I’d normally go to great lengths to avoid doing, or crumble and fold during the course of which due to excruciating anxietyâ€"but this time, I conveyed my message, and they were receptive.


But then self-awareness returns; and I’m back off that wave of grace.


But because of this newfound self-efficacy, I don’t worry about it because I feel more comfortable in my ability to “get back there.” In the outside world, I can see the ripples of those old beliefs still playing themselves out in some waysâ€"the reality I was weaving for myself: of that inadequate, highly insecure person. Yet, right now at least, I feel like I left that person on the other side of the stream, as it were. But in lieu of this, many things come up: what am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Who was that guy that was so invested in my current direction, and all the stuff I’m doing right now? These percolate, but discernment says wait: no dramatic changes yet.


But I can’t escape the feeling that I’m a real maverick-in-the-making, and that in the face of my current involvement in higher education, I don’t know where the pieces are all going to fall. I trust it will all work out.


Nonetheless, things are moving, and reality is treating me differently. It’s like ever since I did that ritual, life takes notice of me; it has taken on a sort of meta-consciousness of its own; it speaks. I’m excited to see where this leads, but this has been a major breakthrough. Confidence has increased greatly, and I feel a lot of this beginning to tie together. Powerful stuff.

[glassa24]

Really nice post, it sounds like your new ritual is working! I always try to keep as many tools in my toolkit as possible, and I think a physical ritual can really help reinforce what we are trying to do mentally and spiritually.

Presentations can be tough. There have been times where I feel like my nerves can get the best of me and I have trouble speaking, which I've learned is actually a combination of not only my fears but some amount of indigestion  but practice makes perfect. And on the other side it seems like we can actually end up being pretty good speakers!

[Mystress]

Writing and burning is powerful: glad you gave it a try! Might also try non dominant hand drawing with wax crayon. If it comes out abstract, you may not know what is being surrendered but your body-mind knows.

[TheFifth]

Thank you for that suggestion â€" the burning worked well when there was heavy emotional buildup and clear impetus to release, but between such episodes I find that I’ll ground, reliably feel the congestion in my chest and throat, but it generally stops thereâ€"tightness on the muscular/bodily level. The content of it doesn’t become clear to me, though the sensation is one of resistance to the very act of grounding itself, difficulty receiving. I’ve tried Burning this, too, but it feels like I’m releasing it in much smaller chunks than the “big event” I wrote about here.