Fierce Grace

[TheFifth]

I’m at a point now in this journey that feels a lot like a bottleneck of sorts, and I feel like writing it out will help with processing it all. Long story short, I’ve always had some sort of health malady to deal with, chronic in nature, whether severe allergies and sensitivities or food intolerance/digestive issues. The whole candida thing seems to be at play. The result, though, is not pain and suffering, but rather ongoing exhaustion and fatigue, which makes engagement with the world difficult. I’m at a point in my life right now where I’m trying to push through this to set up a career in counseling in order to provide for myself and do work I find meaningful, and Goddess seems to be working with me on this. But it has always felt like there’s a very narrow range of options for me, and when something doesn’t work, it *really* doesn’t work. But when something works, it *really* works, in ways I must credit to power beyond myself.

I guess the deeper thing going on with me right now is this sort of faltering faith, in that when I look at the world, it seems like there’s always this sort of bottleneck we're moving through, and yet, somehow, up until now at least, we always pull though. And on a microscale level, it feels like the same is true in my life. Life in its totality just feels so overwhelming, so overbearing, so huge compared to my little place in it. And this feeling of how small I am feels somehow new.

The past two years have been filled with so many incredible experiences, and I have this tendency to look back at the past with nostalgia and grasp, which creates its own set of issues. I’ve always been that way; when I get into things I take them to their limits. Important self-knowledge. I guess I'm in this sort of awkward place of trying to reconcile between worshiping life’s beauty and wonder, while not grasping. The astonishment is there, but the harder part for me is the letting go.

But it's like I can feel it coming. And there is this sense of mourning, which feels natural right now, like I just need to sit in this. I don’t know what I’m mourning for, exactly. But right now, processing whatever this is, just makes me want to cry. But there’s this feeling of inevitability, that things are going to be as they’re going to be regardless of how I see it. And whether it's this process going on within me or life in generalâ€"it’s like I can only hold on for the ride.

And with that mourning, it feels time to surrender all of this to Goddess to sort outâ€"it’s certainly beyond me.

[Indigo]

I am right there with you.  I feel her pushing me to open particularly in regards to human and intimate relationships.  She wants me to submit to flow of life, but in terror I still cling to my ideas and fears.  What if I hurt or upset someone? What if this does not work out? What if? What if? What if?  More often I just find myself laughing at myself.  I have this deep feeling inside that none of it really matters.  That everything has always been under her control and my feeble clinging and fretting are a mere illusion.  Yes, I feel that fierceness.  I feel her asking for complete dominance over me.  It feels like driving at 80mph and hearing a voice in your head tell you to take your hands of the wheel.  You might crash.  You might not.  Does it really matter which happens?  I don't think so anymore.   

[Mystress]

 Surrender never ends. My solstice insight was that 20 years of arguing with the people who want to call me Guru has been essentially futile, I am the recipient of large amounts of guru worship and the associated karma anyway. I have been aware of the incoming energies since the early 2000s but since 2013 there has been an exponential increase. Since I became the planet I got no where to hide.

I didn't talk about it because I did not want to encourage the practice. Thing is, people keep doing it because it works and they do not ask my permission.  I got the attainments in 1997 and they have a life of their own. Attainments gained through deep surrender to Divine will, its not like you get to control then after. I gave my life to Goddess in a blind leap of faith at my Shaman grad and was not allowed to guess or project what might come after as it might colour the purity of the surrender. Sure did not expect if would be the Grail, and Guru Siddhis. 

  I also got a big things to do list that's more than what one woman could ever accomplish and the only people who have access to that sort of big resources outside of politics, are the world class gurus. Amma says "Go clean up this town" and 2500 volunteers show up and do it gladly. She says "build a hospital" and the millions appear and it gets built.

  So, I gave my life to Goddess and was reborn with Guru powers.
  I think the Guru gig is a horrible disempowering codependence and discourage it.
  It happens anyway, and I seem to be handling the incoming energies pretty effortlessly...
  Accepting the role seems the only path to accomplishing the things to do list the Planet mother is giving me

     backed into a corner, again... yeah, there has been some mourning for the life of quiet and privacy I might be leaving behind, and the loss of my pagan communities where it has become increasingly clear that I do not fit there anymore. Just too big. 

 

[Indigo]

This is a really sensitive matter for me, and it is taking a lot of trust on part to share it, but I feel that the topic of "Fierce Grace" demands that I address a set of karmic issues that are being worked out currently.  My kundalini began to rise around October 2016.  My suspicion is that my sexual abuse as a child woke it up and then she taught me how to bring it up through intense meditation, pranayama, seminal retention, and intentional cold exposure.  Mundane and divine insight began to be a daily occurrence. 

One painful insight was that I really did not love my wife of 16 years.  I had been trapped in a caretaker relationship all of our marriage and I had never really experienced the feeling of love that everyone else talks about.  I am not talking about romantic love that is the standard in our society where people are always projecting and chasing their divine beloved like a hungry ghost.  I began to understand, at the level of insight, that I was love and that love is a response to the beauty of the Goddess in the world.  However, we do live in duality, and I was supercharged with kundalini, so I told my wife that I did not love her, that I would take care of her and the children, that I was going to pursue other relationships, and that is what I did.  In short, I met a 25 year-old stripper who was interested in me and we went out a few times.  I was completely honest about my situation and ultimately the fact that I still lived with my wife and children was a deal breaker.  When she walked away from me, I just smiled, knowing that I was love and that I did not need anyone to complete me. 

The interlude between now and then was an intensive period of purification lasting three months that almost shattered me.  I did not know what was going on.  I did not know that kundalini was at work and when the power came, with the supernatural abilities, and intense lust and unstoppable confidence, I drank deep by intensifying the practices that raised the energy in the first place.  My intuition tells me that the speed at which I was working brought up an immense amount of karma all at once.  I was stricken with crippling anxiety.  The pain was so intense I wanted to die everyday.  On the weekends I did not get out of bed.  I would break down and cry uncontrollably.  All I could do everyday was force myself out of bed, go to work, and return to bed.  I barley ate.  It was like I was hanging on for dear life.  I credit my therapist, wife, family, and my unstoppable instinct to survive that pulled me through.  It was like I did 20 years of therapy in three months.  Parts of me that I had struggled with all my life were washed away, never to return.

The purification period made me feel like everything I had experienced before it was an illusion.  I returned to my wife and resumed life.  But I realized now Shakti was never really gone.  The energy began to escalate again.  The same feelings I had about my wife rose to the surface.  My wife and I had always been very strict Catholics.  She continues to embody the patriarchal attitude towards sexuality.  It feels cruel to say, but I would rather do solo practice than make love to my wife.  I have always been an very sensual/sexual person and when the kundalini rose, I felt like I could come out of my skin with sexual tension.  I had stopped going to the strip club after my purification period, but resumed to help me alleviate the tension.  I began to feel the urge to reconnect with the woman I met before.  I began to take my wedding ring off again.  I am not wearing it right now.  I discovered this website and learned about surrender.  I put all of it in the hands of the Goddess.

I met another woman at the strip club and the synchronicity could not be ignored.  I feel like I have know this person all my life.  I feel at home in her presence.  She asked me out.  We went out.  She kissed me last night.  It was the most beautiful experience I have had in a long time.  She does not know that I am married. 

I keep talking with my IB about this.  And I keep hearing "accept my gift" and "live in the moment".  I am holding such profound inner conflict.  What keeps arising is that I am more than capable of loving more than one woman in my life.  Who is really going to understand that idea.  That is the intuitive understanding of a person who is undergoing his awakening, not the common understanding of everyone, that you have to find and belong to one person in order to be happy.  When I think about it all falling apart, I am stricken with belly laughter and something inside me says "none of it matters, just go for it".  I keep feeling like my will is not my own in this whole thing.  I am stuck in one portion of an upward spiral, and I will keep replaying the same situation unless I learn the lessons I have to learn.  I don't want to hurt anyone, but I am beginning to understand, maybe that is what I need to let go of.  I am not a tame creature anymore.  Everyday I am reclaimed and the being that arises is instinctual, primal, beautiful, and terrible.  Thank you for reading.  Any assistance in helping me integrate my experience would be welcome.     

     

     

       

[TheFifth]

A few days before this came up I had spent an evening having really intimate conversation with some close friends, and I recall one of them sharing some things that brought up a lot of sadness in me, and there came a point where I no longer knew where the boundary was. Most of the following day I felt a bit destabilized and hyper emotional, but on the same breath it seems as though I was able to use this big chunk to get a hold on some other, more elusive material that has been hiding deeper down.

I think that's one of the more nuanced aspects of the surrender I'm getting a hold on is truly letting go of this underlying desire for certain things to be different. That's where it feels like the faith is, at least for me. It's funny because the night after I sorted through the initial post I got back all this insight into my clinging to the past, and what bubbled up was that "the more things change, the more they stay the same." A lot to wrap my head around there. But all this intensity right now seems to be helping me get deeper down into that elusive material by bringing me face to face with it.

I suppose what feels so invigorating right now is actually having this depth of feeling that I was disconnected from for so long. Even with the whole backed into the corner thing going on, if I can keep clear and even enough, I feel so alive. Might be a good time to go into the witness state, too, to get more perspective and watch it all go by. I feel called right now to turn inward a bit more than I have been--I have a tendency to get into being productive (or trying to be) but there's this clear need to find that delicate balance. So much clarity right now--I like it.

[Mystress]

Just because I tell people to test the DB, send it into the light, does not mean they will...

hmmm...


I met another woman at the strip club and the synchronicity could not be ignored.  I feel like I have know this person all my life.  I feel at home in her presence.  She asked me out.  We went out.  She kissed me last night.  It was the most beautiful experience I have had in a long time.  She does not know that I am married. 

I keep talking with my IB about this.  And I keep hearing "accept my gift" and "live in the moment".  I am holding such profound inner conflict.  What keeps arising is that I am more than capable of loving more than one woman in my life.  Who is really going to understand that idea.

  The Divine Beloved cannot "give" you other people, and would not say that, the whole concept is just not part of its vocabulary and the words it chooses are important. People are not a commodity to be given, and the respect for free will is primary.  Either you are mis interpreting the message or...?   IB is inner beloved? Not a typo. Send that into the light.

  Men, more than women have a slight propensity to invent their DB, create a Galatea of their own desires that mostly tells them what they want to hear, and it can really lead them down the garden path. Instead of waiting for it to show up, they invent one.  This tendency is even greater for men who have done a lot of free will or chi based magic: the more the ability to control is reinforced, the harder it becomes to surrender. Sometimes, even when they think they are surrendering, they are actually exerting control.  Since the false DB comes of the unconscious it can know things,  but isn't a helpful guide because it has a tendency to say what the ego wants to hear. Result is ego inflation, not dissolution.

  Typically at this stage of FST, the DB will not be pointing you at other people, it is a delicate time of learning to put Goddess first and have none before. It is an inward path.

  It is safety too because now with the empathy, projecting your love onto another woman will dump your karma onto her, and guru effect will create the feeling of intimacy just like my many many,  3 month long, forever relationships from my 20s.

  Projecting Goddess onto strippers, with your sexual worship... Really not a good idea. Bad distraction for you, and not fair to them. For those not already committed to a sexual partner, treating the sacred marriage as monogamous is the best practice. There is no practice of semen retention, this is not celibate white tantra but you aim your desire at the Goddess, give it to the planet.

  You know, dating this woman and not telling her you are married, is predatory behavior? The sort of behavior that makes the God Light abandon men in a second. She will be hurt when she learns you hid that from her. Strippers see a lot of that sort of thing, married guys hiding their rings to get some on the side... and that's not how you think of it, but it is their experience. Please send your "IB" into the light.

  I know it can be very difficult for men to be sexually faithful to the Beloved during this time but it is important. Worship Her in nature, and give your seed to the earth, in your imagination if you risk getting arrested, and in nature for real if you have the opportunity. Make love to the planet itself, in your fantasy. Special grounding for men only, put your cock into the Fiery crystal.

  Polyamourists understand that love is not exclusive. They are not that hard to find, but the sacred marriage comes first.