Hello Again

[Ryan]

Hello All,

This is Ryan, I’m back from an almost three year hiatus.  I mentioned in my introduction post that I joined because of my affinity with Mystress’ teachings, and this affinity remains strong.

Back then, I made it through thirty lessons or so before going on to explore some other spiritual paths.  My restless monkey mind was strong and I craved spiritual “macramé” as Mystress calls it.  I’ve been spending my time on some paths that are more “technique” based, I guess you could say.  In fact, I’ve been doing this most of my adult life, going from practice to practice but spending more time researching and reading than doing actual practice.  I will say, however, that I don’t think this is all bad, as it has brought me here and has been part of my journey.

That said, what has brought me back here, among other things, has been a recent crisis in my life with health problems and resultant anxiety.  My health symptoms are also classic anxiety symptoms: heart palpitations, shortness of breath, etc. and it is still difficult to say how much a role anxiety has in being the cause or result of these symptoms.  In any case, this has brought up some emotions that I have not experienced since childhood such as fear and loneliness.  A big concern for me has been the possibility of sudden death, and the trauma this would cause my family, as well as my experience in the afterlife (if any).

These fears have made me realize that despite my spiritual efforts, I have not made a deep, lasting, intimate relationship with Goddess and my Divine Beloved.  This relationship, I have come to see, is more important than whatever feats of meditation I can achieve, whatever rituals I can master.  At the end of the day, it is just me, staring into the Void.

So I am back, and I am determined to forge this relationship with Goddess and my Beloved, not only to assuage my fears, but because I believe it is my spiritual destiny.  Indeed, the silver lining is that these experiences must have been Goddess calling.  Last night I had a dream and felt an intimate connection with the Beloved that I haven’t felt since doing the course initially, which I see as confirmation of my decision.

In the past, I have often embarked on a spiritual course/path with enthusiasm, but didn’t see it through.  Something about this feels different though, like I am seeing my way with more clarity, and it is to follow the FST path.  I plan on seeing this course through to the end, while savoring my time and integrating everything all the lessons.

Speaking to this, I have an issue that I need to surrender, which is a fear of missing out, like if I don’t get through the course fast enough it will be disappear somehow, like the Internet will go down forever or something.  Silly I know, and it is something I need to let go of, and really take my time to ensure I am making real progress and establishing that Divine relationship that I crave.  As such, I am going to start over at the beginning, and do the 45 days of 8x Grounding again.  I have also renewed my membership as a sign of my commitment.

Thank you for reading, I am sure you will be hearing from me soon!

Much gratitude,

-Ryan   

[WhimsicalZephyr]

HI Ryan,

This is my second go-around at FST too. I got one-third of the way through the course and quit. Right around Pacing Yourself I believe. Welcome back!

Sabrina

[Ryan]

Thanks WZ, glad to be back 

[Mystress]

    I really try to avoid this site having any down time because I know it makes the students nervous that it won't come back. Last week it was down for a few hours, I had visited this Tea room the night before but Duu reported it down the next morning and I dropped everything to contact my web host ASAP. The techs had it back up in 5 minutes. I told Duu why I avoid downtime and he said he felt it too, when the site didn't come up he was afraid it was gone forever... and hes been a student for years and is Lineage.  He's got a copy.

  I have mixed feelings about it. I could be flattered that it inspires such devotion but instead I wonder about the emotional dependence... ultimately I think the two go together, the devotion and the dependence are necessary focus to make it through what can be a very difficult process.  WZ: That you hit the pacing lesson and took a hike is quite funny but also perfect. You were not ready, and your sabbatical showed respect for the process and for yourself. Some students tell me, they know about FST for years before the feel ready to take the step and become a member, and it is all good. This is nothing to be rushed.

  I doubt Goddess would let me close FST even if I wanted to. I can only think of two occasions in 17 years when I got so upset I wanted to shut it all down and throw in the towel, and the mood passed soon enough. I know I say "Free will is Goddess law" but it is different for shamans.  Spiritual teachers don't retire and I am an Ascended Master... I have accepted that my commitment to teaching won't end with the body. Even when the body dies, I am not going anywhere. I will just need someone to type for me.

  There are a few people whom I trust, who have copies of the entire site, all the lessons. Gustaf has copies of all the lessons and videos, he and Sigmund have access to some secret areas where updates are made.  My husband knows where to find all my passwords. I take a full backup of the site periodically. 

  I am superstitious, "never say never" but I have longevity genes. Mom died at 90, dad is still kicking it at 93 and so was his mom. Parents were both near 40 when I showed up, old fathers pass on longevity so I have a reasonable expectation of living to be 110, which means at 53 I am not yet middle aged.    Copies of the whole site, including the membership management and the tea room, I keep close. No-one but me can access the password robot member management system and list. A few times I have sent Gustaf a thumb drive with a full site backup, its a technical file used to restore a whole site on a new server. I don't think he looks at them, just keeps it safe for me.

  Most likely, the FST Lineage + Hillary would make the call: to continue FST as it is in  a new location, or to put the videos onto a youtube account and release all the lessons to the public domain. My family has no interest in my work, my husband would ensure it gets into the right hands. There is no-one who would pursue copyright after my death unless I set up a trust or foundation. While I am alive however, copyrights matter a great deal, as would the karma feedback of people who are not prepared getting zapped.

   There are a few things that are "Mystress powered" like the chakra temples in Secondlife, that I think would go flat at my death, but not FST. These words will hold their charge long after the pop culture references have become so dated you need wikipedia on speed dial to understand it.

  If anybody is really worried about it, you could volunteer to pay the web hosting, lol. Its about $700.  a year plus vimeo.  I am with CanadianWebHosting.com in Harbour center, and the central domain is fire-serpent.net ... its no problem for me to pay it. My secondlife island costs a lot more and my still unused office costs that much++,  per month.

   There are other aspects of my calling that sometimes pull me away from FST for a bit, mentally... I still check the tea room a few times a week, camping and sailing trips I bring a laptop and hub knows I need to find wifi every few days to check all is well. Even on my trips to Europe and Mexico, I had a laptop or netbook with me. 




 

[Ryan]

That is very interesting, thank you for your reply Mystress.  It is nice to know that my fears aren't completely unfounded.  At the same time, it is nice to know that in actuality I have nothing to worry about!  It is also nice to know that there is a Lineage that is carrying on your teachings that I can connect with.  Part of it is I feel like I have come on board to FST late, so to speak, but again this is simply something I need to get over.

I remain committed, and I am very grateful to you Mystress for showing a path that is so close to my heart.  I have found that here in the West, spiritual teachings either lack depth of devotion, or the devotion is to something either culturally foreign or dogmatically constrictive.  Here, I can connect with the Divine in such an intimate way, that the Divine knows my needs better than I do!  I also like that progress in this path is measured not by "accomplishment" so much as depth of surrender.  Once again, thank you!

-Ryan