Surrender: Blossom

[Blossom]

I am going to attempt to start back at the beginning of the course. I find that I start, get partway through, get distracted and then stop. I am not a very disciplined person. I have noticed that the content looks (e.g. first lesson) looks quite a bit different now. So, I will do my utmost best to be patient and take it slow this time around.

During the last couple of years I have been focused on working and shaking my fear of being around people. It is still hard at times because I feel a bit of apprehension when I meet new people, and it seems that I do not always act in an accepted social manner. Studying social psychology and working in mental health has made me a bit more reflective of what is expected of people. It has also made with wonder (accompanied by a bit of panic), with my explosive periods of anger and weird oversensitiveness over the years, whether I had traits of a personality disorder along with Asperger's. I behave quite erratically when I get stressed out or hyper-aroused, although that is an autistic trait...perpetual anxiety. It is becoming more clear now that my dad had Bipolar; as was suspected by a psychiatrist who saw my sister when she developed panic disorder and agoraphobia. My mother is an interesting mix of things.

I am still far too sensitive and my solar plexus is still releasing a lot of crap.

Some types of people still challenge me, for instance, one individual I work with dumps(?) stuff my. At least that is what my mind says is happening, it could be off. For example, today when I was at the office my stomach started to do flips and I felt buzzing and other sensations in my body. Shortly after that I received a distorted tirade message from one of the participants I work with. It did cross my mind that the easiest path would be to try to run away from it when I started to feel the sensations, but I stayed with it.

Life seems to revolve around managing sensory sensitivities. It was easier when I was more reclusive i.e. stayed away from people.  It is hard to be outside without sunglasses. My eyes are too sensitive to light. I need to wear earplugs when in the office, as the sounds are too distracting/irritating. I am still a bit too tired by end of day and it still feels that my brain or cognition is off at times. I still get quite a bit of accumulation of energy around my head that I still do get frustrated with. And people still boggle me.

[Blossom]

I am still pacing myself w/ course and re-reading content to absorb it.

Last two weeks, at work, I have become more aware of this constant underlying fear that I have around 'getting into trouble' e.g. if I don't learn all the rules off by heart I am going to make a mistake and get into trouble. If I don't know the rules someone is going to trick me and I am going to get into trouble. Typically this is the result of narcissistic parents.

And I seem to be twisting myself lately,  in the sense that I need to get things right socially and when people pull away it's because I've done something  socially wrong. Damn social chit-chat!

I was trying to get a better understanding of Asperger's and emotional dysregulation, and came across this article: http://www.aspergercenter.com/articles/Emotional-Regulation-and-Autism-Spectrum.pdf

[Sigmund]

Hey, Blossom.  I agree with how you're pacing yourself with the course.  I, myself, find that's the way to get the most out of it.  That and revisiting the lessons.

As for the rest of what you say, it sounds as if you've taken on other people's judgments.  That's called introjection.  It's the opposite of projection.  Keeping them going goes beyond habit and is reinforced by invisible loyalties to the family.  That is to say, this is what one does in this family to be a good daughter, wife, mother  and so on, even if it's personally destructive.

There's a wonderful book about this, if you're interested, called Invisible Loyalties by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy.  It's about reciprocity in families and is a pillar in dealing with families. 

[Blossom]

Thanks Sigmund. Pacing is good, I just need to be aware of the underlying energy of 'hurry'. Why I need to hurry is beyond me, as there is plenty of time.

Introjections. Other people's judgments (family karma), I guess that is inevitable. Implicit attitudes. I suppose it'll be a similar process to surrendering projections.

Thanks for the book suggestion on family systems. I found a free copy of the book on scribd, someone scanned and uploaded it in documents (not books section).

[Sigmund]

Good find on that book, Blossom.   Kindle has it for around $30.

[Blossom]

Thanks. I saw it on Kindle. I was going to get it from there is scribd didn't have it.

---

Something I have been in denial about is my rejection-sensitivity. Well, I acknowledge that I have it, but dismissed that it was a big deal. I don't go into the extremes that some people do e.g. rejected by someone/did not get a job/did not get an award then leads to suicidal ideation and self-harm (extreme reactions to people/situations). I usually experience stress or anxiety, and in some cases I have been known to lash out with irritation/anger. Innate a retaliatory strike to inflict a similar hurt. In one instance it was warranted (hmm, the way I am phrasing it makes it sound like I am defending my actions. Yup, definately justifying) i.e. in that instance I needed to stand up for myself, as I was being rejected due to the other persons limited understanding and misconceptions. However, my reaction to the situation led me down the vengeful path of retribution. If something like that instance happens again, perhaps it would be more prudent to respond rather than get reactive (or at least create space, so that stress levels go down a bit). The reactivity just creates more separation.

I find that it is hard to reign in the physio-biological response once triggered in a strong way, and I suppose it leads to a bit of self-recrimination afterwards. I perceive that this might become an issue at work, especially when working with people w/ extreme rejection-sensitivity (i.e. personality disorders). If I am perceiving rejection from people it will affect the way I work with people. Leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have recently been experiencing more sharp pains in the abdominal muscles when I relax and things release. The area around the solar plexus. I find when this happens that I fall into the trap of wanting things to hurry along, as the release is quite cathartic. However, I know that things release in its own time, as DB wishes. And that too much too soon would probably pump too much cortisol into my body, leading to a mass neuron suicide in my brain (specifically, the hippocampus) and more issues with executive function.

[Mystress]

  Somewhere in FST is instructions on how to open your wings. The eagle flapping thing.

  I think expanding your wings and using them would help with some of what you are going through. The wings are part of the secondary chakras of the heart and they work with judgments and projections. Imagine wrapping your wings around yourself. They have a Divine reflective quality- when you wrap them around yourself you get clarity about what you are projecting... but they also reflect the projections of others back to them with the same crystal clarity.

  If you are not sure what wrapping your wings around yourself looks like, there is an item in the FST White temple in secondlife that will give the image. Sit on it and you will see yourself with wings wrapped around your avatar. We say "wings up!" and its like "shields up!" in star trek, means wrap them.

[Blossom]

Thanks Mystress. I have started to exercise my wings and wrap them. I will have a look at the training you recommended in the other forum. I do have a 5-day mindfulness training next week, so I will see if I can fit this one in too at some point in the future.

------

I had one of those trigger moments today. I work at Headspace (One-stop-shop Youth Mental Health Centre) on Tuesdays. This Headspace has recently fallen under the organisation I am employed at. My organisation is now the lead agency, so it now manages this Headspace. As such, I can use my own everyday login and password to access computers and the shared network (emails/shared folders/case-note system etc.). This morning I was using my usual login. I was typing away and responding to emails when the new receptionist came up to me and said.. quite directly..

Receptionist: Are you using your own password for this computer?
Me (feeling puzzled): Yes, I am (?)
Receptionist (in a direct and loud voice): You can't do that! You need to use the login and password provided by us.
Me (taken aback and triggered by the tone): Okay, why is that?
Receptionist: (Again in a loud and direct voice) Rants about how the manager said that this is the process and how changing passwords is problematic for the next person
Me (holding in my anger/irritation): Alright, no problem...

The situation itself, retrospectively, is not really a big deal. The lady could have been having a bad day or moment. I have noticed that in situations such as these I tend to go quiet or passive-seeming, for the reason that I am trying to manage my own overwhelming emotions and not lash out at the same time. I am also checking the facts in my head (e.g. is this really true?). I then retrospectively beat myself up about it e.g. why couldn't I speak up and be assertive? why do I let people walk all over me? why do I get so angry over something so small? etc. etc. I get angry with myself.

This is a pattern I have gotten entangled with quite a bit over the years, when interactions cause an extreme emotional response i.e  going from neutral-to-angry/enraged. Questioning: why is this person attacking me? I now realise that it is hard for me to have self-control over my emotional experience in the moment AND stand up for myself in that same moment. It is either regulate and work through the response and say nothing OR give in to the emotion and stand up for myself in a reactionary way. If that makes sense. I guess I also do not like/fear my dysregulation (i.e. lashing out verbally).  Expression of angry/intense emotions.

I guess this will continue to loop until I change something.

[Blossom]

The 5-day mindfulness training was good. I did have some patterns arise during that period of time. I notice that my mind does not buzz like other peoples and my inner-critic only speaks when triggered.

One pattern revolved around the value of consideration or conscientiousness. It being a trigger for me when my ego perceives inconsideration from other people e.g. someone standing too close to me, to the point that they're breathing down my next and also pushing me. And my tendency to focus on task at hand, and holding onto the discomfort rather than reacting/lashing out.

Something that came up today was, when I provide people with information they may not want to hear or do not respond well to I seem to take personally responsibility for their responses. I feel it in my stomach. I might be relaying information over a situation I have no control over, yet I seem to take on the disappointment and frustration of the other person. It feels like a weight in my gut.

What also comes to mind is my lifelong issue of feeling distress at the thought of causing someone else hurt. I remember as a child I took the brunt of other peoples displeasure, but I would not assert myself or stand up for myself in response. I found that when I did so I would burst into tears. I guess it was too overwhelming for me + a lack of skills. And maybe I confuse assertiveness for aggression.

[Blossom]

Mind-pops and involuntary auto-biographical memories. Sometimes when something is so normal to you it's not questioned (e.g. my chronic experience of anxiety). It just is. I was reflecting on an everyday experience I had which led to an investigation on whether said experience had a name. It boggles me that some people only experience these rarely or only once a day. What is my brain doing?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_memory
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mind-pops/
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-26/edition-3/involuntary-autobiographical-memories

I typically experience mind-pops/involuntary autobiographical memories during times when I am meditative, studying, walking, or have a wandering mind. For instance, I'd say yesterday I experienced at least 25-30 different mind-pops/autobiographical memories. Memories from childhood to more recent ones. Sometimes I have cringe-worthy ones, memories associated with shame, mortification and embarrassment. It is easy to contract/tense up in these moments. It feels like I going through the experience again. However, when these ones do occur now I tend to follow the thread and explore it... in the past I'd avoid it. It can be a bit distracting and time-consuming when mind-pops occur (particularly when you explore them). It was a bit distracting today when I was reading up chapters from my university text (I am trying to study for a test) and I had to bring my attention back to the book many times. Perhaps I need to be more mindful and just allow them to float past i.e. what you put your attention to grows. Do I need to explore these memories?

I have been becoming more acutely aware of how my sensory issues can cause ADD-like symptoms. I am looking into investing into sensory ear muffs, however, the autistic ones seem to be only made for kids and babies. I am having to resort to purchasing 'shooting' muffs from the States. I am envious of the efficiency of some peoples brains. Sometimes I do wish my brain worked a bit more efficiently regarding studies. I still feel a bit of resistance when it comes to formal education and being able to sit there and focus and retain information for exams/tests.

I am also tossing up whether I wish to do the somatic trauma training course (course created by Peter Levine - author of Waking the Tiger), it's a $4000 a year commitment for three years. I have a bit of scarcity consciousness going on around that and also have some competing interests (i.e. other long-term expenses/goals I need $$$ for). Community service work does not pay too well, unless you move up into management or get those select positions which pay better. I need to stick it out in this job for at least another year before seeking something with a bit better pay. I did look into his online course to pick up some strategies to release the immobilisation that I am experiencing. Trauma energy trapped in my body, particularly in the bundle of nerves near my gut (enteric nervous system).

I am also starting to feel resistance with regard to interacting with people. My social cup fills too quickly. I can't pinpoint the emotion behind this... it's almost defeatist, overwhelmed, fed-up, tired seeming. People and their problems, blergh.

[Blossom]

I thought I'd keep a diary today about my mind-pops, to see the extent of their occurrence. I took the day off work to focus on studying for a University test, which is why I am able to walk my dogs.

From 7.30am onwards, with a pause in between, I have been listening to Uni lectures.

7.30am - Memory from childhood. Primary school playground + classmates.
7.33am - Snapshots of university recording I listened to the other day.
7.40am - Images of movies, news, and other related things watched the last week.
8.50am - Random image of a german shepherd
8.51am - Random image of a carousel + a reminder about a tv show I watched a few weeks back, Wayward Pines, which had a carousel in a few of its episodes.
8.52am - Image of my dad (who has now passed)
8.53am - Image of a lady I know plus a few work colleagues popping into my head.
8.56am - Scene of a playground that I played in as a child, no longer around (it's been updated)
9.02am - Memories of an eco village I visited a few years ago
9.12am - Image of a grizzly bear and emperor penguins
9.17am - Recollection of footage of a go-pro cam (motorcycle perspective) on Youtube
9.28am - Memory of cringe-worthy interaction from about 4 years ago.
9.31am - Random snap-shots of my trip to Melbourne last Thursday.
9.40am - Preparing and taking dogs for walk. As they're getting excited/impatient I hear the song lyrics 'give me a second I need to get my story straight...' (We are young by Fun).
9.50am - On my walk so in the moment. I get distracted by a lady illegally dumping mattresses on the other side of the road from where she lives. It is a dumping hot-spot and there are signs warning people not to dump there because it can get really excessive once people start. My mind then proceeds to go off on a tangent about NTs (non-autistics) and rule-breaking + memories and associations regarding that.


So, thus far, I have had  15 or so mind-pops/memories/associations... which means that I probably have significantly more than 30 over the course of the day. Another thing that sometimes happens is a mind-splurge where you get ideas in your head, but can't follow through on what flows in because your physical skill set is not able to take it from the mind and bring it to fruition in reality. Why do we get these things?

[Duu]

Hi,

I think that memories poping up is not a problem. I think this is quite common to diferent degree with everyone. If i would write down all the stuff that pops in my mind at times it would be a long list and somewhat embarasing. What could be a problem is that if the memories bring with them some attached emotion. That is mostly not positive one and forces one to react to that.
I think if just the memmories of positive events would be poping up then nobody would complain. 
One can try to casualy surrender all emotions that come up with memories or use hooponopono to clear it. Sometimes the overlay of emotion is rather subtle but one can notice.
Second thing you can try is to use some mantra that you use during the day to clear the head and continue it on for some time. As it is an ancient practice that prevents mind pops and emotinal hijaking.  Usualy some mantra like "i love myself" or "im loved" "im safe" etc. will work as well as any traditional one. But you can chose any other you are inclined to.
Try it if it can help with the thoughts. 
I think one can realize that if one can observe the thoughts, then it means that they are a product of brain and coming and going on the canvas of conciousness. And if one wants one can entierly let them be, while focusing on the canvas behind them. Also thoughts are just somehow created in us and the emotional reaction to them can cause some churning, yet emotional reactions that can be created by us thinking that the thought should not be there are certaintly pointless and suprizingly more powerfull as they connect with our ego and its wish of control to keep up its feeling of safety.

Love,
Duu

[Blossom]

Hi Duu,

The memories that I was getting didn't have an emotional component to them, for the most part. I understand what you're getting at regarding memories with a charge to them and surrender. I only get those memories occasionally. Nothing within the last few weeks. Thankfully my mind-pops have also subsided the last few weeks.

---

I have had  some more somatic stuff come up in my gut. I had a release this morning where I felt pain release in my gut and then run along a pain-string up my back and to left shoulder. I have been thinking about getting back into yoga, but I avoided it for a time (time = a few years) because it brought up too much anger at once.  I am craving a more physical practice, I think.

Starting to get into the DB lessons in the course. During my first run through the course I couldn't get a visual of my DB. When I focus on my DB this time around the only image that I see is of myself (me in this physical form). I can't say if that is exactly right, so I will surrender it and revisit the exercises.

[Blossom]

Working through the DB lessons and I still see myself reflected. Accepting that this is okay. Did I give up at some point? I think due to having Asperger's my brain comes across as more male-like, so that's not surprising. I can't multitask and I tend to use actions instead of words.

When I go into shock I tend to go into extreme logical mode. The other day someone bumped my car. I pushed my emotions aside, although I admit I my hands were shaking when I spoke with the other individual. My mind immediately clicked into authoritative and logical mode. There was no acceptance of emotions or peoples feelings. I followed the appropriate procedure for such an event. It was only after, during the night, when I felt the impact of the shock i.e. disturbed sleep, agitation, anger, terror... etc.

I accompanied a colleague to do an assessment with a lady who made me feel quite uncomfortable in the moment. I got the sense that she was going to be a vexatious complainer and would put in a complaint. I kept getting the sense of unpredictability and that my head is going to be chopped off irrespective of how things are said. I guess this is best described as 'walking on eggshells'.  I think I am hypersensitive to this, as I do seem to go down the same spiral every time I encounter someone who sets off 'walking on eggshells'.  When I say "I got the sense" it means that I get an inner dialogue around my stomach and heart area that tells me how a situation is going to play out, and it does usually play out that way that this inner dialogue says it will do...I usually take precautionary measures when I listen to that 'knowing'. It''s not a head voice. It does cause a little apprehension when I hear this dialogue because I do begin to wonder if it is a self-fulfilling prophecy... if that makes sense.

[Blossom]

Experiencing some resistance the last few days. I have a hard time digesting a current situation unfolding at work, so I am writing it out.

The person I mentioned in the last post, a potential client to the service, put in a complaint against my colleague and team leader. For the reason that she was rejected from the service because she didn't meet the service criteria. She is specifically wanting transport services, due to a physical condition rather than mental health related (although the latter does impact her life). This lady has borderline personality disorder, so she went into her survival mechanisms of black/white thinking, threat-making and high sensitivity. The only complaint about me is that I should not have been there, as allegedly I am  someone in their early twenties (I turned 30 earlier this year) with no life experiences, and was retrospectively presumed to be someone in training. Her argument: how would I know anything about trauma, life, mental health or anything else related to this persons experience. My colleague should be punished as she is getting away with teaching me bad stuff...

I know people experience/view events differently as they have their own lens, however, what she brought up was completely off what I remember happening. I felt uncomfortable at the time of the assessment, I do admit that. But that's not the point of what I am trying to say, I am finding it challenging to verbalise 'making sense of the situation' out loud and am having issues seeking social feedback from colleagues. I suppose I should ask myself what I am hoping to achieve by doing this, as all it leads is a feeling of self-doubt about my own perception of the experience brought up by people who actually were not even there.

For instance, while I was having a discussion with a colleague who received the same 'FYI email' from our team leader (she had past interactions with this individual, so was included in the email send-out). I brought up the point that this lady said that she burst into tears partway through the assessment because of my mean colleague. My recollection of things was that there were no tears shed and everything seemed okay (outwardly). My colleague, in our discussion, interpreted the complaint as saying that she probably meant that she cried after the session. I re-read the complaint and it clearly says that she burst into tears DURING the session. This contradictory stuff throws me off because it makes me question myself, old patterns repeating themselves... I guess it makes me feel like I am the liar or not perceiving the situation correctly (self-doubt). 

In observing my colleague (let's call her Aa) during the assessment I do recall that she had a no nonsense attitude when she spoke. People might consider her tone blunt, so I can see how someone who is hypersensitive might react when confronted with this sort of person. I also got the sense that Aa was triggered slightly, as she has a narcissistic mother and I saw this dynamic play out a bit in the interaction. She has unresolved feelings/hurt toward her mother. As I said in my previous post, my reaction was that I was going to get my head chopped off (so, I suppose I became a bit passive partway through our meeting). I admit that I did defend Aa's actions when we were queried about the situation afterwards. She did not cross the line of being unprofessional and was consistent and factual about what she said to this person. We couldn't go into the situation and walk completely on eggshells. There are too many variables to consider.

I wonder if I need to examine my need to defend my colleagues or have their back, as it were. I sometimes feel like I am polarising the situation and making it seem like the client is a bad person through my defence of colleagues.

Another opinionated person in the office (let's call her Bb) said to me today that our team leader should monitor Aa (b/c she is a peer-worker) and that they should screen peer worker's better. This was a bit frustrating to hear, as she earlier had gone to the defence of people in the field who had lived experiences of mental health. So, it was quite contradictory. Bb, I do not quite understand, but my gut keeps telling me to be cautious around her. The visual I get is of a viper. I suppose this hunch was backed up later when I had a conversation with a Nepalese colleague that I like and get on quite well with (let's call her Cc). Cc works directly with this Bb. She said that Bb does not like Aa, due to similarities in personality. Aa and Bb both love to volunteer to do stuff when it arises (e.g. event planning, workshops, group-work etc.), so there is a bit of competitiveness on Bb's part.  They're both a bit domineering. Bb has complained about Aa to Cc.

I suppose my issue is not letting my fears turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and shooting myself in the foot. I know people gossip (my social-feedback seeking is gossip), however, I get quite conscientious about the fact that people could be gossiping badly about me for whatever reason. They have done so in the past, hence why I got the labels of 'weird'. My motivations for gossiping aren't for social gain (or to feel better about myself) but understanding social behaviours. And gathering different viewpoints, although some viewpoints rub me the wrong way and I find it hard to consolidate it in the moment.

I can be quite rules focused, so sometimes I wonder if I am being a bit too harsh with people vs strong boundaries.  Too harsh on people who are vulnerable + have mental health issues. Finding the balance is challenging because I also wouldn't want to be a door mat. It annoys me a bit when clients say that things are urgent and then cancel and reschedule the appointment multiple times. It's not too much of an inconvenience for me (b/c I can find things to do and I still get paid), but I think there should be some form of consequence for this type of behaviour as it is quite enabling... what does it tell clients they can do? People just think about what is convenient for themselves and not how it inconveniences others. Some workers are of the opinion that you should just reschedule appointments to what the person wanting...essentially reward that behaviour... and this agitates me a bit. As my opinion is that even if my calendar is free I needn't book them in at that time or respond on demand. Is my perception of things off?

[Blossom]

I booked an appointment with a neuro-clinic and went through a comprehensive cognitive test the other day.  It seems that I do have sensory processing disorder. A good proportion of people diagnosed with ADHD or Autism Spectrum Conditions have sensory processing disorder. I need to book an appointment with an Orthoptist to rule out other visual impairments.  After that, I am going to be getting an EEG. A test to record the electrical activity in my brain.

The tests showed that there is a big discrepancy between my intelligence and working memory capacity. My intelligence falls in the superior range, but my working memory capacity (slow processing speed) is below average.  This noticeable difference is probably why I get frustrated with myself (e.g. absent minded professor + laziness label). Low working memory capacity can make multitasking â€" the rapid shifting of attention from one task to another â€" quite difficult. Again, this is something that occurs with people who have ADHD or Autism. I am trying to ascertain whether I have both Autism and ADHD, hence why I am going through all these tests. I don't think my brain fatigue helps the situation - I am just tired.

What is coming up to be surrendered? The annoyance that I have of not being diagnosed as a child/teen and receiving the support that could have made adjustments easier e.g. occupational therapist, speech therapist, special programs and sensory integration therapy... just to name a few things. Nope, I had to walk down the path of figuring things out for myself and then having to face roadblocks because I appear too functional i.e. my strengths mask my disabilities.

[Blossom]

I seem to be perpetually stuck in sourpuss mode. I am not sure if this is stuff I keep carrying with me from my teens and early twenties. Ho'oponopono training comes to Australia in May, however, it conflicts with session two of somatic trauma training.

I pursued a few hours worth of auditory testing through an audiologist before Christmas to rule out  an auditory processing disorder. It turns out that I have spatial auditory processing disorder, and confirms a challenge I already knew I had. It explains why I become frazzled with too many competing noises. QEEG is this coming Wednesday. I think after that I will do away with further tests, as something else keeps popping up all the time. Too many labels.

[Blossom]

Got the results back from my QEEG. QEEG's show if there is anyth dysfunction with your brain waves (Delta, Theta, Beta and Alpha). Usually, this dysfunction is treated with medication or through newer methods like neurofeedback (slow rewiring of the brain to bring about better balance). My QEEG isn't that surprising, it essentially just backs up what already is known.

I have extremely heightened (dysfunctional) Theta waves (and more so when eyes are closed). Several types of 'brain pathology' can give rise to abnormally strong or persistent cortical Theta waves. Excess theta when wake leads to scatty, daydreaming and unfocused behaviour. Common in people with inattentive ADHD and Autism.

I have dysregulated (i.e. high levels) Beta levels. The stress associated with sensory and cognitive disorders may cause high beta waves, and an increase in feelings of alarm and emotional intensity. Irritability and hyperactivity is also common.

And I have low levels of Alpha waves and that leads to anxiety, high stress, insomnia, OCD. Delta is in the mildly dysfunctional range (associated with ADHD, Autism, brain injuries and other such stuff).

So, my brain is two-faced...both hyperaroused and underaroused. I am not sure how much is due to unresolved emotional stuff. I guess I am starting to understand what needs to be done.

[Mystress]

  I am sorry I do not understand autism better. With most disorders and disabilities, I can look to see the mechanism but with autistics I get nothing. Recently I have figured maybe the nothing is the answer, something missing but I am a long ways from working out how to put it back! 

  One thing I have wondered about you for a long time: Why would someone with a severe social disability, go into a massively stressful and nuanced field like social work? Even the most balanced people can burn out on that job. Ever ask yourself, what are you trying to prove?  To whom, and why? Why have you chosen a work situation that can only be overwhelming struggle for you, given your specific disabilities? I am all for challenging oneself, to grow and strive but this looks a little like jumping off a cliff with bedsheet wings. You fall and get hurt over and over and its some big heart and guts that can keep trying but I do not believe life is meant to be a struggle like that. Why are you doing this to yourself?

  To me it looks like your latest test results underline that you are not suitable for the work you have chosen, that the stressfullness of that environment is only going to keep triggering you.

  Blossom, flower lady, ever thought of chucking it all and finding a more peaceful job where success is not dependent on social abilities? Like maybe, tending a big greenhouse? I can imagine you very happy there.  What is driving you?

  Personally, on discovering my own ADD disability self diagnosed around 1988, I immediately set about arranging my life to make the most of what I am best at and hiring or minimizing things I cannot do. Going with the flow, surrendering to my orbit.

  Sometimes there are exceptions, like learning to code linden scripting language. Took me more than 4 years to learn what most people can pick up in a few months but perseverance, pushing past a logic disability I discovered in high school,  something clicked in my understanding and scripting lsl turned into solving fun puzzles to make cool art, like the Flattering Doorbell at my party, or the ACME Faerie trapper.  So for my creative expression its good... but outside of secondlife the ability has no value, and it is nothing on the scale of the challenge you have set yourself to just do your job every day. 

  Blossom, can you cut yourself some slack? Be kinder and gentler with yourself? If you were seeing yourself as a client, what career path would you advise?
   

   

[Blossom]

I tend to punish myself in this way in the hope that things will get better over time. I often feel that it is too late to do something different, so I need to make the most of a ‘crappy situation’. If I cop-out, then that is a failure and not acceptable. There is a deep feeling of terror about jumping into unknowns, taking a leap of faith. I have already, in my mind, wasted a decade due to issues with emotional dysregulation. I already feel way behind in many respects. I know the job I am presently in isn’t suited to me and it frustrates me. So, I have been looking for and applying for alternatives. However, to not spoil my job references, I need to watch my habit of falling into bad productivity when I start to feel bitter about the job I am in. And to watch my surly mood.

When I initially started studying social work I thought it would help me move through some of the social issues I was experiencing at the time. It was also at a point in my life where I felt pressured to pick something to do, but was still experiencing high-anxiety, fatigue and brain fog. I guess you could say I was quite narrow-minded. I also believed I would experience the same issues no matter what job I found myself in, so why not social work? I thought I enjoyed supporting people and this is something I might be able to do. It was not until the last week of my social work degree that I found out that I had Asperger’s/Autism. That revelation plus the difficulties I faced subsequently caused me to procrastinate for about a year.

Something that continues to persist since the start of undergoing all these assessments is the underlying terror I feel about being a pretender. This is mirrored back to me in interactions with professionals and others. One persistent comment I get is that I don’t look autistic. This to me is funny, as how can you make that assumption if the person you speak with hasn’t really said anything at all? I was told once to reconsider my diagnosis, that it must be wrong because I could maintain good eye contact.  And that when I pursued assessments it was met with quite a bit of resistance, like I had to prove myself before I was able to undergo testing. It has also been something that has shot me in the foot when pursuing certain job opportunities. I have been told that I can’t be accommodated due to my auditory processing issues. So, I suppose in defiance of the nay-sayers I stay in this line of work to prove people wrong (me against the world). It also brings about a sense of despair because it is an uphill battle.

I think a problem I have always had is my oversensitivity to people’s opinions.  I have always had weak self-confidence, a weak sense of self. For instance, I wanted to study Geology when I was in high school, but my school math and chemistry performance was quite weak. My Earth and Environmental Science teacher said that I should reconsider pursuing Geology because of my weakness in math and chemistry. I think a lot of my issues may have been due to the style of teaching at school, my increasing issues with anxiety and depression, unresolved grief, shame, my undiagnosed attention and sensory issues, social stressors, and my lack of motivation when it came to studies. Social play traumatised me, and so did my sensitivity adults ‘harsh’ manners. I took things too personally. My irritability set in at about age 12 and got worse each consecutive year.  As a result, I lost the confidence to pursue my ‘dream’, and just gave up.

I was speaking with my older sister recently about interview processes and marketing yourself. One of her thoughts about why I might do poorly in interviews at times is because I do not come across as ‘personable’ enough. When I speak I usually do so in overly pedantic ways. I am able to dumb-down my speech when I work with clients but usually struggle to do this in interviews. I can't focus on both tasks at once. So, common feedback is that I sound very ‘textbook-like’ and not ‘personable’.  Something missing is a good way to put it.

Recently, I was unsure about a situation (situation) at work with a colleague from another service. I was uncertain about whether her behaviour was acceptable or not in terms of normative behaviours. This is the situation… I was speaking with a work colleague who is leaving the organisation. This other worker came across and interrupted our conversation and started speaking with the person I was speaking with, and whilst doing so completely disregarded my existence. Her topic of conversation was not an urgent matter. I was not sure if this was rude or not, and if I was missing some form of social nuance. I was simply puzzled by the situation and was not sure how I should react.  So, I later sort feedback from others who said it was rude behaviour, and that I should have chopped her down. By not putting her in her place gave her permission to mistreat me in the future. This intellectually makes sense to me but is also quite foreign. I have no perception of social hierarchies and it seems very bizarre to me, however, I know that leaving these things unchecked can lead to problems (e.g. bullying, undermining behaviours, social isolation, push over). I am not intending to be a push-over, but non-autistics attribute this label to my behaviour. It’s not intentional, it’s just outside my awareness. I am oblivious to the consequences of my lack of social perception until I gain an intellectual understanding. I think non-autistics learn social skills through osmosis.

Regarding struggle, I suppose I don’t know how to be different.  It seems to be a family pattern i.e. nothing ever comes easy. I seem to be perpetually stuck in survival mode and so does the rest of my family.

If I were to take the advice I gave my clients, I would probably continue to pursue my goal of working with autistic individuals or in disability advocacy. I feel the need to fight the systems. It makes me feel pissed off that people’s attitudes can limit your opportunities and box you in. Why can’t autistics work in a wide range of fields outside of computers, science, art and repetitive tasks. So, it is ‘fight-energy’ that keeps me in this job even though I really do hate aspects of it.

In saying this, I do feel like my resentment at missed opportunities would make me feel a bit surly when helping individuals with challenges similar to my own. I don’t seem to be able to move beyond that, for some reason.  I help people out as best as I can, but I have a lot of bitterness and despair inside me. I am not sure how it serves me. My interest in geology and environmental science has waned as the years have gone by. I think another thing I could do is follow my creative interests, but again self-criticism (not being perfect) holds me back from working on those skills at present. Sustainable design sounds interesting.

What kind of mechanism comes up with other disorders/disabilities?

If I asked myself this; if there was a magical pill that took away my autism would I take it? I probably would not, even if it would make life ‘easier’ in ways. I kind of baulk at the idea that I have to modify or fix myself in some way to live here on this planet. I guess this is also why I struggle in interviews because I feel disgruntled about the fact that I need to put on a performance to be personable in order to get a job. And that me being authentically me is not good enough for social-thinkers! blergh. So, I get into resistence and can't be bothered. But then I also go through a cycle of despair about things not being easy and always a struggle. And then I get triggered and the bitterness surfaces.

[Blossom]

 A trait of people with Asperger's is sensitivity to criticism. I perceive opinions as criticisms. I wonder why this has become a fixed universal characteristic, perhaps it comes from the awareness of always doing 'something wrong' in the eyes of non-autistics.

-----
From Tony Attwood's website (psychologist w/ years of experience working with autistics).
https://iancommunity.org/cs/articles/relationships
Factors inhibiting relationship skills

From early childhood, people with Asperger’s syndrome are less likely to recognize and
understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make
sense of their behaviour. They are developmentally delayed in Theory of Mind abilities
(Baron-Cohen 1995). This will adversely affect the development of the important
relationship skills of empathy, trust, and the ability to repair someone’s emotions and
share thoughts and responsibilities (Attwood 2004). Typical children have a natural
ability to achieve an age appropriate Theory of Mind and have practiced relationship
skills with family members and friends for many years before applying them to achieve a
successful relationship with a partner.

In order to achieve a successful relationship, a person also needs to understand and
respect themselves (Lawson 2005). Self-understanding and self-reflection can be
particularly difficult for people with Asperger’s syndrome (Frith and Happe 1999). Selfrespect
will have been adversely affected by being rejected, ridiculed and tormented by
peers (Attwood 2006). Adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome are also gullible and
vulnerable to being given misinformation on relationships by fellow teenagers. This can
include instances of being deceived and ‘set up’ that could lead the person with
Asperger’s syndrome to be accused of inappropriate social or sexual behaviour.
Clinicians recognize that people with Asperger’s syndrome have difficulty understanding
and expressing emotions and are prone to develop an anxiety disorder, depression or
difficulty managing anger (Attwood 2003a). These characteristics will obviously have a
detrimental effect on the ability to develop friendships throughout childhood and
relationships as an adult. One of the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome can be
emotional and social immaturity that can influence the person’s age preference for
friends. This can be of particular concern when an adolescent with Asperger’s syndrome
prefers the company of much younger children. The relationship motivation of the
person with Asperger’s syndrome could be interpreted as being more than platonic.
An emotion that is confusing to people with Asperger’s syndrome is love.

Typical children and adults enjoy frequent expressions of affection, know how to express
affection to communicate reciprocal feelings of adoration and when to repair someone’s
feelings by expressions of affection. A child or adult with Asperger’s syndrome may not
seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through acts of affection, or
realize that an expression of affection is expected in a particular situation and would be
enjoyed by the other person. They can be bewildered as to why other people appear to
be ‘obsessed’ with expressing love for each other. Someone with Asperger’s syndrome
may actually perceive expressions of affection as aversive experiences, and a hug as an
uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement, and they can become confused or
over-whelmed when expected to demonstrate and enjoy relatively modest expressions
of affection. We generally have a wide ‘vocabulary’ of expressions of affection but
someone with Asperger’s syndrome may have a more limited vocabulary and problems
with the intensity of expression. One of my adult clients with Asperger’s syndrome said,
‘We feel and show affection but not often enough and at the wrong intensity.’
Another of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome is to develop a special
interest that is unusual in terms of the focus or intensity. In adolescence and adult years
the focus can be a person, which could be interpreted as a typical teenage ‘crush’, but
the intensity and some of the associated behaviours could lead to accusations of
stalking or harassment.

The predisposition to develop a special interest can have other effects on the
development of relationship knowledge. Special interests have many functions for
people with Asperger’s syndrome, and one of these is to acquire knowledge to
understand bewildering aspects of their experiences (Attwood 2003b). Teenagers with
Asperger’s syndrome are often eager to understand and experience the social and
relationship world of their peers, including relationships and sexual experiences, but
there can be problems regarding the source of information on relationships. An
adolescent with Asperger’s syndrome usually has few, if any, friends with whom he or
she can discuss and be informed about relationship topics such as romantic or sexual
feelings and the codes of sexual behaviour. Unfortunately, the source of information on
relationships for adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome can be pornography for males
and television ‘soap operas’ for females. The person with Asperger’s syndrome can
assume that the actions in pornographic material provide a script of what to say or do
on a date that could lead to being charged with a sexual offence. The charges tend to be
for sexually inappropriate behaviour rather than sexually abusive or sexually violent
behaviour (Ray, Marks and Bray Garretson 2004). Adolescent women with Asperger’s
syndrome may use television programs and films as source material to learn about
relationships, and fail to recognize that the actions and themes are not an accurate
portrayal of how to achieve and maintain a relationship in real life.

Clinical experience indicates that previously socially excluded and unpopular teenage
girls with Asperger’s syndrome have, after the physical changes that occur at puberty,
become flattered by the attention of teenage boys. Due to her naivety, the adolescent
girl may not recognize that the interest is sexual and not a way for the boy to simply
enjoy her personality, company or conversation. Because their daughter has no female
friends to provide advice on dating and the social and sexual codes, parents may
become concerned about her vulnerability to promiscuity, sexual experiences and date
rape

[Mystress]

I think a problem I have always had is my oversensitivity to people’s opinions.

  Sure, I approached the subject more gently with you than I might with another. I have no malice to want to upset you. Triggering you would be unproductive to communication.

My Earth and Environmental Science teacher said that I should reconsider pursuing Geology because of my weakness in math and chemistry. I think a lot of my issues may have been due to the style of teaching at school, my increasing issues with anxiety and depression, unresolved grief, shame, my undiagnosed attention and sensory issues, social stressors, and my lack of motivation when it came to studies. Social play traumatised me, and so did my sensitivity adults ‘harsh’ manners. I took things too personally. My irritability set in at about age 12 and got worse each consecutive year.  As a result, I lost the confidence to pursue my ‘dream’, and just gave up.

  So you are punishing yourself for betraying yourself in giving up on your dreams. No wonder you are angry eh? Thing is, if you identify what it is you really love most about geology, quite possibly your passion could be satisfied without a geology degree.  Maybe as a gold, gem or fossil hunter? Self employment has no safety net, but it also has no bosses to argue with...

So, common feedback is that I sound very ‘textbook-like’ and not ‘personable’. 

  Yeah that's sort of my surface impression of how autistics present.

I was not sure if this was rude or not, and if I was missing some form of social nuance. I was simply puzzled by the situation and was not sure how I should react.

I get that too sometimes, sort of a frozen deer in headlights feeling of confusion because I am not sure what just happened... or if in trance, crippled by an inability to defend myself or say no.  For the most part, focusing on my body sense of its own boundaries helps.

If I were to take the advice I gave my clients, I would probably continue to pursue my goal of working with autistic individuals or in disability advocacy.

  If someone came to me wanting to be trained as a healer because they need healing, I would tell them no. This pattern of trying to give to others what you do not possess yourself is a projection game. It needs a big dose of "take the stone from your own eye first." I can agree autistics need advocacy, but I am not sure they are the best ones to advocate for themselves. If you had to go to court, would you hire a lawyer or try to be one? 

I feel the need to fight the systems. It makes me feel pissed off that people’s attitudes can limit your opportunities and box you in. Why can’t autistics work in a wide range of fields outside of computers, science, art and repetitive tasks. So, it is ‘fight-energy’ that keeps me in this job even though I really do hate aspects of it.

  I dub thee, Don Quixote... I appreciate the sentiment behind your attitude, in the sense that all of us have potentials to unfold.  I do not agree with it, but I would say you have exactly expressed the source of your own misery. The attitude brings to mind quotes from Fight Club movie like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9ivZL7vmA

  A whole generation was taught they can do or be anything and it led to a lot of entitled adults who are pissed to discover its not true, and they want the world to change to please them. 

  I can't be Wayne Gretsky, or Mozart or Einstein. . . This idea that someone can do or be anything is a fallacy, and its a bit crazy. The strength of people is how we have different skill sets to do amazing teamwork.

  I argue with people who decide they are a Shaman when they clearly are not one, they have the same delusion.

  As a child I expected to become an artist, as a teen I wanted to be a pilot. Looked it up in the school career books, commercial pilots needed 20/20 vision, I am nearsighted. Closed that door. Graduated in 81, during a big recession, abandoned art college plans to get fast employment, trained as a hairstylist. It was a good call, ADD misfit needed the social skills training. Excema on my hands eventually made me consider another career, *movie star!* Went to university, studied acting. Whups ADD brains forgets all her lines if at all self conscious. Switched to improv, make up your own lines!  I was good at it, and learned amazing things about my own creative abilities... but people do not want to see female improvisers, or women doing physical comedy... and other improvisers complained I tended to take over a scene. Becoming a professional dominant, was purely an economic choice, as I was basically unemployable and about to become homeless. Again, amazing growing and many gifts. I learned things about human nature that no school could have taught me, and grew into the woman who could write FST.

  In 1997, new years eve a back injury ended a very active lifestyle, I fell into the internet for lack of else to do and all this came from that. Would the hyperactive lady ever have sat still long enough to write these teachings if not for taking damage, being forced by new limitations onto a different path?

  I have gotten far more benefit from accepting my limitations and going with the flow, only to have better doors open. Thats part of surrender too. 

  For all the things I cannot do because of disability, there are more things I can do, that most would consider completely impossible, like telepathy. I use it so often I take it for granted.

  In duality, there is no free lunch. Energy cannot be created or destroyed and I believe everybody comes in with some gift to offer the world, to pay their way, so to speak... and our talents and our limitations both are shaped to help us navigate to where we belong.

  You are taking up a fight you cannot win, because even if you did succeed in creating advocacy for autistics it would not change a thing about how completely you have rejected your own self. The self criticism, the self punishment, the rejection of some quite valid limitations, where is your self acceptance? Who will advocate for Blossom, inside of Blossom? You cannot give what you do not possess. When do you start to accept yourself?

  A few years back my hub told me he tried to get me flying lessons for my birthday. I really do have the best husband. Turned out, contact lenses are no problem but the balance disorder is a total no go!   I just shook my head and laughed. It was funny to have a long closed door briefly reopen like that only to slam shut again, and locked closed.

  Can't learn to fly if you don't know which way is up, except by looking. Would you feel safe with a pilot like that? lol. No. First fog bank I am flying upside down and spilling coffee...  So should I get a protest flag and insist balance disabled people should be allowed to learn to fly? Might as well insist a paraplegic should be allowed to become a fireman, despite being totally unable to rescue anyone, let alone carry them down a ladder.

  I appreciate social justice warriors, all the way back to the suffragettes getting women 
the right to vote. I accept its also very subjective, ISIL assassins raping women for sharia law, probably think themselves justice warriors too but I don't agree with the laws or their concept of justice.

  In the 90s I did some activist stuff with regard to sexual freedoms. Got a lot of hate mail. One day I noticed BDSM themes were showing up everywhere from Calvin Klien ads to Simpsons cartoons and felt, my activist work was done. The theme had gone mainstream. The snowball had momentum and would keep rolling without me pushing it, and I mentally hung up my activist hat. I did not tell anyone of this decision, or change anything on my websites but the hate mail dried up overnight. It just stopped.

That brought home for me the truth of "change the world by changing inside of yourself" more than all the activism. Soon as I stopped sending out the energy of how the world had to change to please me, the world stopped sending me back the same, in harsher language...

  I read what you say about it being hard to think outside the box, and see the results in your answer about what else you could do as a career.  My brain is the opposite, "there is a box?" Came across an article last week about how to teach your dog to hunt truffles and thought it would be fun to train little fluffbutt to be a truffle hunter. 

Seems you are doing the expected thing, school, career, success ladder, etc. and you feel stuck on that path. Soul knows your destiny though and its always out of the box. I think the insights will come of inspiration, not deliberation. 
 
 

 

[Blossom]

Thanks Mystress.

I sat with what you posted for a few days because I did feel some resistance come up regarding limitations + changing the world to please me + entitlement (+ the need to be a 'somebody' (ego-stuff)).

I do have high expectations of myself, so a lot of self-criticism and lack of acceptance. I can and will work towards surrendering my ‘resistance’.

What did I love about Geology and Environmental Science? With geology, I was fascinated by the study of Earth’s processes.  I collected a lot of rocks and books on geology in my younger years. With environmental science, I was interested in the processes but also in conservation/sustainability.  However, pursuing that road might be entering into another ‘fight’ (i.e. planet needs rescuing).

I would hire a lawyer, as that is not my area of expertise.  In Mental Health there is a boom in peer support work, although that is not the type of work I want to do. One of my past colleagues stood under that banner and now works across a few hospitals, and part of her job is to assist in policy changes. When I mentioned disability work I pictured a coordination role, as I am good at retaining and giving information. So, as a coordinator your job is to assist people to link up with services they’re eligible for. And with NDIS coming in, NDIS coordinators assist people to budget their packages and link into services. So, practical support. And with advocacy, it was more about assisting people to develop self-advocacy skills. Do things alongside with and not do things for people.

I know there are other people with Autism already in that other kind of ‘advocacy’ work. They’ve written books, write articles online, attend lectures, educate the masses, and do a range of other related stuff. Some higher-functioning autistics work as teacher’s aides in disability schools, as nurses, psychologists, lawyers, actors, musicians and more. So, there are many autistics who work outside the expected boxes. I suppose that is why I also push myself to stay on my current path.

I do wish to find something that I would enjoy doing, but as I said before I am a bit attached to my current role due to the ‘investment’ I’ve put into it. It is a hurdle I need to work through.

Yes, I am doing the expected thing. School, career, success ladder…etc.  And I agree, I am the author of my own misery. And I am seeking a way to get unstuck.

[Blossom]

Diet Changes.
I am having another look at my diet. There is still something a bit out of whack with my blood sugar.
I know that prolonged stress on my body has caused fatigue plus an overproduction of cortisol. When my blood sugar drops, this creates more stress and more cortisol in my body. An endless loop. The tricky bit has been not reaching out for sugary foods to get an instant energy boost. I think I may have a double-whammy issue with the HPA-axis (hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenals), as there is a correlation between HPA-axis dysregulation and Autism. Kundalini stress/resistance also contributes to this issue.

I have been eating many small meals during the day for some time now. I make sure to eat nuts and seeds. I wonder if having a biscuit, some chocolate or some ice-cream every now and then is too much sugar. I have cut back my coffee intake to 1 a day and then drinking only organic decaffeinated coffee after that.  I try to drink enough water, but it tends to go through me.

At the moment, I have been taking an extra-potent multivitamin, fish oil, a hair, skin, nails supplement, and have been experimenting with cannabidiol (CBD). I was taking Paradise Herbs, ORAC-Energy Green for a bit but stopped taking it a month or so back. I was tossing about whether I should get niacinamide.
I had a look at digestive changes on the other site and may incorporate hemp and molasses into my diet. I keep being drawn to follow an anti-inflammatory diet. I also need to find a way to get my gut-health in order. I don’t have IBS or anything like that, but I do feel there is an underlying issue.

Berberine, Bitter melon, Goat’s rue, Lipoic acid, Benfotiamine, L-carnosine, Ginseng, Salvia miltiorrhiza, Magnesium and Inositol are all meant to help with blood sugar.

[Blossom]

I am just chittering away in this post.

Today had its challenges. I find I experience resistance when I perceive that people are telling me what to do. It hits the gut and I get that ‘grrrr’ sensation. Indicating that my ego-defences have been triggered. I hope that I can do better in the future. I know I need to watch it because I have been told that I am quite expressive (facial expressions).  I wish that I could be on top of things in the moment and shift my perspective a bit so that I am not going into resistance so much.

I find it challenging to interact/deal with micro-managing mangers.

I felt awkward yesterday when the manager above my manager yelled at me from 100 meters (110 yards) away yesterday after training, calling me Kate (my colleague's name). She kept hollering until I had to turn around and yell that I wasn’t the person she was after. I feel uncomfortable yelling (raising my voice in public), period. I don’t like the attention. She called me Kate again today when she dropped into our office. Yes, I acknowledge that hostility surfaces in response to mistaken identities.

-------------
I seem to keep hitting obstacles when it comes to seeking support for myself, which in turn is triggering the old pattern/belief 'the universe does not want me to get better' or 'I have to invest in a lot of personal resources to seek support... life is so unfair'. Victim-hood stuff. Maybe I have entitlement (?) issues. It does trigger despair.

So, I've been to my general practitioner a few times for a referral to a psychiatrist (treating practitioner), so that I can get rebates for an audiologist and neurofeedback. Neurofeedback is very expensive, as it requires 40-50 sessions. Rebates are for 10 sessions. Barriers include, my first GP not believing my reports (And telling me a story about her nephew and her personal opinions), psychiatrists having a long wait-list, the clinic I got my assessment at not offering rebates and harassment from family about not spending money ($$$) on self-improvement.

I have competing goals, so I have a lot of contradictory attitudes towards money now (including scarcity consciousness and what my sister terms as 'irresponsible spending' (e.g. getting the range of tests I did, pursuing training in somatic trauma...wanting to get bodywork (to assist my body release karma) and other similar things). I am trying to save as much I can for a deposit for an apartment this and next year. All these additional expenses to 'get better' competes with saving for a deposit. However, I am sick of the fatigue and my body being in a constant state of immobilisation (chronic dissonance in my solar plexus/gut). I do the grounding exercises and the sensation remains, so I take this to mean I am not grounded. And there is some resistance to grounding/being in my body. Why does my body have to be so uncomfortable?

I am feeling a bit more inspired to do something creative e.g. draw or paint. Whether I will follow through on this is another thing altogether.

I recently redid the Myer-Briggs test. I've done this test a few times over the years and keep getting INTJ-T (T is for the turbulent type. I am not surprised). Allegedly, INTJ is not common for females. People with this personality tend to be impersonal, stubborn and over analytical. They are easily bored by small repetitive tasks, they need stimulating and challenging activities to thrive.