Surrender: Blossom

[Blossom]

In meditation I've noticed a flow of energy from my feet and up through my body. However, it halts and accumulates when it reaches the top of my head (in-between third eye and crown). There is pressure there, but nowhere for it to go. So, I am surrendering this and anything connected to it to Goddess. It's all yours!

[Mystress]

  The visualization of the flower opening at the top of your head, at the start of the grounding is symbolic body-mind language request to open the crown chakra. Do that and the energy can flow out the opened flower.  Resolves headaches from excess energy too.

[Blossom]

Thank you Mystress. I'll continue to practice visualising the flower opening (from the grounding exercise).

I intellectually understand the simplicity of this exercise, but my inner-experience presently does not match it. When I went through the exercise I became aware of resistance, inner-dialogue (fear) about how things can't be so simple and that there needs to be struggle/pain/complications. So, I surrender this stuff to Goddess. <3

[Blossom]

I haven't been able to fully surrender this stuff. I can see how this reaction served as a protective strategy in childhood, but it has now become quite an ingrained defense.  I continue to experience intense fear in the face of confrontation. I experience similar fear at the thought of causing harm to others. This reaction (freeze-response) is not exactly an effective method to protect oneself from an aggressor. It does not guarantee safety. It suggests that fight/flight was futile, so freeze (utter helplessness) kicks in.

This response has become quite generalised, so in any situation that I need to be assertive (boundaries) I start to experience an intense feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, followed by shame/guilt. So, over time this reaction becomes generalised and is triggered in any situation where you need to be assertive (firm boundaries). It's as though I am still caught up in the illusion that I am not able to handle such situations.

Another layer to this is the feeling of horror/shame when triggering pain/fear in another being, even though I may not realistically be the cause of the original wounding. I react as if I had the power to cause it. Even now, when I bring to mind thoughts of harming another individual my stomach does flops. And as I write this I am recalling to mind something Mystress said about the 'good-girl' image. I don't quite understand why I am addicted/attached to this particular mask or why I find it hard to surrender. I do wish to relinquish it.

And another layer is the fact that when our body-mind perceives fear in others it automatically applies this to self. In evolutionary (primitive response) terms, what triggers fear in another may mean danger to self. It's a survival mechanism.

Surrendering all this and my confusion to Goddess.

[Blossom]

hmm. I noticed I repeated a sentence twice, on 'maintaining' boundaries. I intellectually get the dissolution of boundaries, but again my inner-experience reflects something quite different.

[Blossom]

And to add to the above. I don't even know if I am aware of what my 'rights' are in terms of natural boundaries. I am uncertain about the rights of beings in a physical form (duality). I don't know if I am lacking a manual/framework because of damage caused in early experiences. It causes a lot of feelings of confusion and triggers fear. I don't know how to rectify it. So, I wish to surrender all this (confusion) to Goddess. It is yours!

[WillyT]

Hi Blossom,

I can only speak from my own experiences as I am not qualified to offer a remedy, only a suggestions.

With fear I often ask goddess to show me the root of that fear. In other words how did it come to be?

You may get visuals of people, situations, events or all of the above. I then ask that Goddess take that from me and everything attached to it, in top down fashion from point of origin. It's a powerful time travelling surrender technique on Mystress's site that has helped me many times. It clears the baggage of the event at each chakra level and on many occasions I have felt the effects immediately. Also ask that goddess take the holes left behind by what you've surrendered and replace them with her (Goddess') light and grace.

Ask Goddess why you have a hard time being assertive when it's needed. You may find it's also tied to your dread of inflicting pain, fear or disappointment in others.

Have a good now.

[Blossom]

Hey Willy,

Thanks for the reminders. Memory is interesting (things seem to fade and reminders bring back focus). I asked Goddess to show me the root of the issue and let that go. I've had a few things surface the last few days, although it has been mostly somatic experiences (skull/gut pain and anxiety/terror/anger).  It is interesting that the skull pain has returned (drilling sensation at top of skull). Not many visuals - my body seems to remember the cause.

[Blossom]

At the core of it seems to be discomfort with anger/violence/hostility, in self and others.

[Duu]

Hi,

As Mystress would say when doing any kind of magic and that includes surrendering or healing or searching in ones unconsciousness for secrets, it is important to be grounded.
And in short, thinking when ungrounded is not likely to produce good results.
And worse, thinking when ungrounded and when there are active old emotions decreases the usefulness of the outcome by much.

We think that when we know why,who,when etc.. and relive the emotions we get free of the stuff. But that is not really how it works. We have to relive the emotion while grounded while in our more kinder and gentle self.. that self that doesn't care for the why.. that only cares for the love.
And so find a different way to feel or to react, to chose a path of love.

It is so simple. We want to be loved. We need to be loved. And we can love at least ourselves...
Just choosing love and nothing else. All other stuff, stories, things, emotions are just pointers at best and delays at worst.
Love,
Duu

[Blossom]

Hi!

I am aware that it is imperative to ground when clearing karma. So, I have gone back to grounding multiple times a day. I also make sure to ground myself when I look inward.

I have noticed that when I get back into my body I experience pain (somatic sensations). I am easily overwhelmed. It is likely that I become ungrounded again to avoid the pain I experience when back in my body. So, I do make an attempt to keep myself grounded (in my body). I am not forgoing the practice of grounding, but I can see how it may come across that way.

[Gopi]

Hello Blossom,
I thought Mystress' advice on dumping overload might be something you may find relevant. Because the way you describe this experience feels similar to my experience when I was not dumping overload regularly. Trying to stay focused on my own inner self and dumping overload regularly has helped me a lot. Here's the link.
http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1429.0.html
Hope that helps,
Gopi

[Duu]

Hi, Blossom

It is very nice to chat with you. Sending hugs and hopefully the words will be to benefit.
Yes thank you Gopi, its good to point to overload. One has to understand it in context. It is the worry and fear and cyclical thinking that constrict our body and the energy flow and close the crown chakra respectively.
So the root is our own non openness and temporary constriction. Even due to a simple emotion of being threatened and so on. Its temporary, but the energy logjam starts to build quickly.
So the real key issue is getting the system open and unfreeze it, so all can flow normaly.
Then karma logjam and overload clear usually quickly with no worry.
However is good idea to drop overload regularly. Until we can regain our openness, groudedness. As to not to burn our system. And not to foggy our mind.
Its an emergency measure so to speak. To lessen overload is to ease the system load, to think clearer and to get renew ability to act. But is not the longterm solution. The solution is to be more open and allow things to flow even in emotional times.
In fact overload for me complicates grounding very much because system is overfilled with stagnant energy and Im trigered to OBE. And thus not in the ideal position to deal with it. So getting embodied again is an important task of getting back grounded.

Well I wanted to expand on the grounding idea beyond mere exercise. That it is a way of life basically. And that there are many ways in life of getting more grounded.

In me personally I had also moments when I thought I was grounded and did the grounding exercise. But did not really ground deeply or really reached the grounded state.
And I did not notice the signs missing. There was peace but that was OBE peace. (Out of body experince, for short)
So for proper grounding  I for myself check for signs of warmness, aliveness, joy. And peace of specific taste. And body tingling even if just gently. With this hmm is good to be in body. So that would be my recomendation to keeping in mind too.

In this state we are resistant to fear and random emotions and thoughts hijacking us.
Thus also more resistant of getting constricted due to threat or emotions coming in us.
So when grounded, fear even when present is not a problem. We see it is not us. We accept it, honor it and transmute it. Many karmic things in us are habitual and it takes persistence and time to build new paths with love and write in new reactions a perceptions of what is going on, that then open  more love, more freedom. It takes years sometimes, but even that time frame requires a firm decision not to feed the old patterns anymore.

We can afford acceptance, we can afford just allowing it be. As we are not it, nor our stories nor our emotions and whys. And from that place we can enact change. If we dont have this calm and we keep a strong link between us and our story, emotion, hurt. Than desired change is really not likely be realized.

Love
Duu

[Gustaf]

Hello Blossom!

I would like to share with you an experience I had with Mystress the other day, that may shed light on some things for you. I have also had boundary issues, that manifested in sensitive skin, and a lack of feeling safe in the world, and a habit of "hyper vigilance"

The result of this clearing, was that due to a traumatic event of losing my mother at a young age, my ego boundaries at the time were shattered, leaving shards and confusion in its wake. Unconsciously, I tried to patch myself together, while the old shards remained, and with an ego based protection around my body. You have these kind of shards and artificial boundaries as well. Spend some time surrendering these, all that you can find; they will show up if you ask for them.

The result is a return to boundaries set naturally by your body mind, handling any threats, real or imagined, intuitively and naturally.

Love
Gustaf

[Blossom]

Thank you Gopi, Duu and Gustaf for your suggestions/recommendations.

I have started to dump the overload a few times a day. I understand that it's only a temporary solution, so I'll work towards surrendering the underlying stuff as it arises. I tend to get caught up in cyclical thinking (rumination) only when I start to look 'inwards' (or go looking for 'stuff'), otherwise my head is usually empty - on a conscious-level. Feeling threatened is a common feeling that arises. And yes I can understand the lack of openness or hostility and how it could cause a log-jam. It certainly feels like a log-jam.

I have also asked for the shards and artificial boundaries to surface. This evening I have a headache (an unusual occurrence for me).  The scalp/skull pain is like a bowl on my head. I'll spend some time surrendering.

[Blossom]

I will try to pay closer attention to the signs of grounding. I am not sure how reliable the tingling is because if I put my attention on my feet they tingle.

Do nothing <--- this is something I have resistance to, as I was brought up with a strong family belief that you're not allowed to have an idle moment. Non-action/laziness was met with verbal and emotional abuse. So, doing nothing causes anxiety.  I have to search for problems (rumination) or create them. Surrendering that and everything connected to it.

[Sigmund]

Hey, Blossom.  Before starting working with energy and (then as needed), if you open your crown chakra, energy can flow out the opened flower.  Dissolves headaches, too. 

[Blossom]

Thanks Sigmund. I have been attempting the flower-opening visualisations, but my crown still won't 'open' (ego-resistance). So, the head discomfort  persists. Perhaps I should just accept the pain, since I notice that I am starting to resist it. There is more contraction the more I attempt to open it.

[Duu]

Hi,
Grounding, discretion and surrender go together, I think that it is grounded intelligence plus discretion that we learn to spot and tag all the tricks of the ego daily and improving thus our efficiency on path and sharpen intelligence for self dependence on spiritual path.
So surrendering is not just saying the line. It is not really a method. Ego will make a method out of it and thus render it harmless to it. It makes it to a tool serving it, but surrender is never here to be ego tool. Ego adds to it things like struggle and wanting to get rid of stuff and etc. All the things that reduce the wished efficiency of it to near zero.

If you say I cant open my chakra. First we need to establish if there is an I. Secondly if the I is the owner or creator of the chakra. Thirdly what parameters a chakra has, what it does, what it is. What does mean  open or closed and so on.
Only then we could come to some partial conclusion about our inability to open a chakra.
So until that time we have to have faith that our divine inside us know how to open a chakra and have faith that the divine knows what a chakra is and what it does. And we have to gently ask and then get out of its way. And saying that divine cant open a chakra is surely nonsensce..

So humility and most humbly asking and understand that as a life path, not as exercise is key. Firstly to get grounded and all action comes from that base.

I also have a another method to that some people roll their eyes in disbelief. I use intellect to get grounded. Simply I think that chakra or ego or god or any key problem might or might not exist. And thinking of proof for both sides of view. And as I would think on,  a great boulder falls of my heart as I suddenly know that Im not solving a problem but a paradox.  And that is a great relief for me. For I was trained to solving a problem and that problem must be resolved to be good person. But a paradox must not be resolved, or it has many, maybe also infinite resolutions that are all correct. So Im  joyful, so free. As I can be playful, its not serious anymore.. its a sort of joke, seeing limits of our mind, that is loving and marvelous. And that is quite a powerful support. No problem or paradox can resist a playful mind blissing out.
But well, so far I collected rolling eyes when expressing this. But it does work. Even if it is like crossing the swamp by jumping on the backs of crocodiles... much fun.

You dont need to go that far, unless you have that unceasing IT  mind. That has pleasure of taking things apart, to really look in. (and maybe less interested in putting them back together). Yet the point I wanted to say is that: Sometimes is useful to challenge and dismantle the concepts we have also about surrender, grounding and then see what they really are, dismantle them an relearn them anew, in deeper way. For if taken just a static thing, they become an obstacle soon, just one more ego thing. So if things stop working than it is good to check the basics again, make them less static more deeper and more alive in our lives. Thus more powerful, integrated and unbound by old.
Taking on our self the responsibility for our daily life and path. And self trust and self dependence will set us free, a thing no method can give to us.

Love,
Duu

[Blossom]

Thanks Duu. I can see how it is easy to fall into the trap of making things a method. And yes, I do not fully trust that Goddess has everything handled.  Since last post, I stepped back from whatever it was that I was doing in that regard. I have spent time energy over-load dumping, surrendering other peoples attachments, surrendering broken boundary shards, and allowing the divine within me to do whatever it thinks best.

[Blossom]

I've been continuing on with my practice of grounding, overload dumping, and energy hygiene. I've also gone back to swimming as part of my physical exercise routine. I am gradually feeling better. I do notice that I lack motivation in terms of work and work direction. I've noticed a bit of stuff around learned helplessness surfacing and some anger, so I am surrendering that to goddess.

I have also had some interesting dreams the last week. I don't typically remember dreams, but these ones have been a bit...nightmarish. I am not particularly bothered by them.

[Blossom]

I seem to have a lot of anger in me. Although it's a crutch, I decided to ask my GP to put me on something to moderate the sensitivities that come along with autism. The only thing on offer was an anti-depressant - an experimental approach. I feel a lot calmer after being on it, but I find that in this space anger/rage arises. I had a similar experience in my late teens/early twenties (rage bursts and then anger when anxiety/depressive symptoms were numbed while on medication) Yoga and anti-d's seemed to stir up a lot of anger that I don't seem to be comfortable with.

I have felt a bit angry the last two weeks because it feels like I have to hide my history of issues and autism. After social work graduation I applied for a graduate position at a main hospital in Sydney. This was just after my first diagnosis. I wasn't sure what I was socially oblivious to, so I thought disclosure would make me professionally accountable. It also felt appropriate to disclose. The position was for a an 18-month graduate program, where you'd undergo furthering training and receive assistance. In feedback the main interviewer could not tell me (specifically) what I could do to improve, she just fobbed(?) me off and said the successful candidates answered the questions a bit better. And that I couldn't have Asperger's because I have good eye contact. I know that I will either over-stare (direct eye contact) or not look at people at all. I know in order to portray confidence you need to maintain good eye contact, which I did. Recently, a vacancy came up for this program because one of the candidates got a job elsewhere. Again, I faced the same issues this time around regarding them not being able to clarify what the successful candidate did to get the position. And again, I was told that things that contradicted things said in the first interview and that I couldn't have Asperger's. And that, essentially, I should not disclose my diagnosis. Inflamed, I decided to send a complaint letter to NSWHealth regarding their anti-discrimination policies and have pursued advice from the association of social workers and am pursuing legal advice. I don't particularly want to work in such an environment, so I don't feel it is a big loss. However, I am going to do something about this injustice (the education approach did not work) in case it happens to other people and because I am not going to let it slide.

Last week I attended Domestic Violence Response Training.  I felt that niggle-feeling that it was appropriate to disclose, so I did. First to one of the educators. I told her about my personal experiences with family violence and the vulnerabilities of women with autism. I have interacted with other women on the spectrum and abuse seems to be a common issue - often they don't realise they're being taken advantage of.  I had wondered if they had explored this area. And later I disclosed to the group I was working with about my diagnosis and experiences. It turned out that one of the women there knows someone who fits the criteria + her daughter. So, I suppose if she chooses to information share it will enable those two to understand themselves better.

My other challenge at the moment is deciding which job I want to take. I can work in a private hospital or work with youth, the latter would be an interesting opportunity but for some reason I feel as though it would make me really fatigued.

So, surrendering it all to Goddess.

[Blossom]

Keeping things in my thread.

I have distanced myself from the course for the last few months to focus on living. What an interesting few months it has been!

Lately, I have noticed that with all the training in social skills, trauma-informed care, mental health connect, mental health first aid and other related stuff to mental social work practice... a lot of grief and anger has been surfacing. So, I am surrendering this to Goddess. I have felt tired, but ensuring that I have plenty of rest is boosting. Working in this field sure does bring up a lot of juicy stuff.

[Blossom]

Focusing on living, interacting with others a lot more these days. I find working in mental health brings up a lot of things. Lately, irritation is coming to surface and the thoughts like 'what reasons do you have to be in this mess', judgmental stuff. I have quite a bit hostility. I also seem to get a bit irritated when people assume that life has been peachy for me. Could be related to the former. Fatigue and pain in the gut have been a constant. Have tried to focus on grounding and dumping excess energies. This stuff (all of it) is fine, I won't try and 'exorcise' it.

[Blossom]

What is being 'defeated' about? It doesn't feel like letting go or surrender.