On the spectrum

[Blossom]

After being called odd, strange, weird and other such names throughout my life (and believing that I was 'broken') I found out in mid-November 2013 that I have Asperger’s (now under the Autism umbrella). However, I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for significant support or intervention. This is not to say that I do not experience any issues. It was never pointed out to me that I had this ‘condition’. I never received the support or labels males get. Women tend to be overlooked because they present differently to males and the current diagnostic criterion is based on males. In fact, one professional thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder because of my childhood and adolescent experiences of trauma. There are similarities between both conditions, for example, meltdowns, miscommunication and empathy issues. BDP’s (waif, queen, hermit and witch) are typically impulsive and manipulative whilst Autistics are not. Women with Autism are usually diagnosed with other conditions before their ‘Autism’ is recognised, for instance, OCD, personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Some of these are actually co-morbid conditions. So, I found out that I may have Autism while I was doing research on Autism Spectrum Conditions for the organisation (working with traumatised and homeless youth) I had my final social work placement at. I recognised myself in the female profile.  I then pursued a diagnostic assessment to confirm my realisation.

I spent time exploring what this all meant. What did Autism mean?  I found out that it simply means that I am neurologically different to the majority (I am neuroatypical or neurodiverse). So, Autistics have their own unique way of thinking and being, but also have to learn the 'neurotypical' way of thinking and being in order to function in this world. We are square pegs being made to fit in round holes. Imagine if the roles were reversed - who would be the one with the 'disability'? When the world is as it is it is easier just to stay away from people to avoid the bother. I can choose to play along with the 'rules' of the majorities reality or not. Not following does make you an 'outcast' though. I guess that is okay if you don't mind living a hermit's existence.

I have over-sensory issues and my stress-response is easily aroused. I will stim to self-soothe. I have a tendency to take things literally (at face-value), over-share, be nonjudgmental, a tendency to burn-bridges, be too blunt/honest, have issues with perceiving boundaries and assertiveness (appeasing behaviours), naivety, lack (neurotypical) cognitive empathy, have somatic empathy and an abundance of affective empathy. Sympathy is another matter altogether. My ‘social-self’ is an agglomeration of coping strategies and things I have learned through mimicry. My social self is a mask that I have to put on in order to function ‘socially’ with neurotypicals (note: this mask is quite different to people with personality disorders). So, I have two distinct versions of me.  If I did not have a social-mask I would simply be me and things would be less confusing.  I notice that the ‘real’ me makes some people uncomfortable and I have yet to learn how to stay unaffected by other people’s discomfort. My natural inclination is to appease the other person by suppressing the cause of their discomfort. Actually, I read an interesting article quite a few weeks back on indigenous communities which confirmed my personal observations. It stated that any empathetically oriented people will suppress even major behavioral traits to avoid discomfiture to others. I find that very interesting, instead of causing pain to others you cause pain to self. Acting in, rather than out.  It goes back Solar Plexus issues.

I  do not naturally perceive hierarchies, certain social cues, social manipulation, flirtation behaviours and other such stuff. Things considered primal (lower chakra) stuff. I have to learn these things intellectually and I may never be able to get it 100% right. Because of this Autistics are often described as being from another planet and 'socially' immature. I am also asexual â€" I am not sexually attracted to people (intellectual attraction is another matter).  So, I never bothered to intellectually learn a lot of the things that come naturally to others. I have had to play catch-up in my learning, particularly 'social-learning'. Not knowing about it leaves me vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation.  I have also found that I have constructed a set of rules that I use in social situations to function with ‘neurotypicals’. My rules are very rigid or black and white in nature because they are not innate, so it is hard to bend the rules.

People with Autism seem to fall into a polarity of two extremes with emotional receptivity, over-arousal and under-arousal. I am of the kind that falls into the over-empathic/over-sensitive category. I have experienced states of apathy, but this was in times when I experienced extreme overwhelm. Survival-mode makes you very self-focused (and closed off to others). I saw this type of self-focus quite a bit when working with traumatised youth. They were living in a very reactive, rather than responsive space. Another thing I saw mirrored between those on the spectrum and those who have gone through trauma is self-esteem (self-love) issues. There is a deep sense of feeling broken and in need of fixing. You do not feel that you are enough and you search for that something ‘more’.  Who should be blamed for not having developed ‘healthy’ self-esteem? Apparently, our parents, family and community are responsible for nurturing healthy self-esteem, but if they fall short… is that really their fault? Do you self-blame? Or just blame Goddess for everything. Goddess, this is your entire fault!

I can say that a part of me has had ‘enough’ of adversities. I seem to have experienced one after the other in this life. It is tiresome. I remember in my social work framework presentation I had to incorporate use of self as part of the tenets of practice. I could not separate my experiences from myself, so I included them.  I could list over ten ‘adversities’ experienced throughout my life so far. I have experienced complex trauma. I have certainly processed a lot of that emotional content, but I know I still hold onto stuff in my solar plexus.  I am willing to surrender this stuff as it arises.

I do wonder what the purpose is of incarnating into an experience where you are over-sensitive and can't naturally comprehend the psychology of the majority. You aren't given the same script from birth, so you start with unequal footing. You have to go through a lot of pain in order to learn how to survive here. You have to be taught social rules to fit in with majority and even when you learn them you are never going to be perfect at it. It is just too divergent to ones natural state. It causes you to have personal identity issues.  I know that people unconsciously sense a difference (it's not specialness) in me and it makes them uncomfortable. My experience, my fears, are shared by all of those on spectrum. Difference and diversity is not fully accepted by mainstream consciousness.

I am rambling on, so I will leave it at that. Letting all the frustration go - it's all yours Goddess!

[Blossom]

I want to add that when I pursued a diagnostic assessment for Autism the specialist had to factor in trauma because a lot of characteristics overlap. As I said in my initial post women on the spectrum are often confused with BPD's. BPD's aren't always aware that they're being manipulative. Manipulation (victimhood) is their method of survival - it's one of their coping and defense mechanisms. It is what it is. People who go through quite a bit of trauma at an early age become emotionally and socially stunted/delayed. You aren't given a solid foundation to start off with, so things crumble under pressure. A sense of safety needs to be restored, so that the emotional content of that trauma is able to be released/processed. Growth occurs after that. Also, to develop 'healthy' self-esteem you need to have emotionally available adults around to 'model' 'correct' behaviours. I don't know if that is entirely possible in this world. It was at one point in time when the child-rearing practices were socio-sensual (intuitive/empathic/communal) in nature. If you have highly critical (punitive) parents then you're less likely to develop healthy self-esteem (self-love). If you don't have much social-support the same thing will happen. Self-love fosters resilience. Peoples self-esteem can shatter later in life through experiences of trauma.

[Blossom]

I keep having this recurring experience with people who hold a lot of anger or who have psychosis. There are three particular individuals that I am thinking of as I write this.  Yes, I take responsibility for stirring things up in these people by being assertive. Once these individuals are triggered I experience a sensation which affects my entire body at different times throughout the day. My stomach twists and I feel these chills running throughout my body. I also feel really dense energy entering my personal space and body. My physical body goes into distress. To surrender all this, I have grounded myself, I have blamed goddess for being too sensitive (as well as a few other things) and have put my wings up (as suggested by Mystress). 

The other day I was out shopping and started to feel this ‘attack’, again. I experienced ‘issues’ with these three individuals very recently (all separate incidents), which left them all feeling very angry (defensive). I won’t go into the full story here. Basically, they have all harassed me quite a lot (one threatened me with physical violence), so I decided to make a few formal complaints about them.  I proceeded to follow the same surrender exercise and found it did not work for me this time. So, I attempted to unravel things a bit more.  I found that I keep taking on the responsibility for their emotional reactions. Part of me is fearful of anger/violence, so I go into appeasing behaviours. I am choosing to surrender all those fixed assumptions and fears. Part at me also believes it is at fault for triggering stuff in others, again it’s me taking on responsibility and not believing it is as Goddess/Source wills.  I do welcome these experiences because it is helping me to release the ‘karma’ that is trapped in my solar plexus and nervous system. As things release I have felt sharp pains as frozen things have untangled.

I know my mum goes through similar things when people send 'energy' at her. Sometimes she will wake up with a really intense headache and sick stomach. I have chosen to take on her stuff when things have been quite bad. To alleviate the pain she was going through. I find that it is easier to process and clear that energy then it is to clear the 'karma' when I am on the receiving end. I find that when I am on the receiving end it gets stuck in my system.

Surrendering all that to Goddess.