Gopi's posts

[Gopi]

Happy 2017 everyone!

My 2016 resolution was to become a better listener.
I think I am slowly starting to learn how to be become a better and active listener.

I got to spend Dec 2016 with Mystress in her lovely home.
Yoga + puppy + massage + cookies + sleep = bliss
Thank you for making me feel at home and for pampering me with candies, cookies, cakes, pies, pastries, chocolates, and gifts, Mystress. *bows*

Miss Chiquita Thunderfluff aka puppy - Thank you for showing me how to give attention to another without projecting. For the trust, the forgiveness, and the cuddles. 

On Dec 4, 2016, I wrote to Mystress:
GK: Met a lot of elders. Some of them I did not expect to see. But it was really nice to feel their presence. I had nothing to ask to most of them. Just gratitude and love.
I was a lil stunned to see David Bowie show up. Because I have never related to him as a spiritual master. In fact, I did not know of him till 2010. I don’t know much Western cultural context in terms of music. Anyway, I told him ‘Thank you for inspiring some of my favorite people on earth.’ He asked me thank you personally for easing his pain during the last few days. I was a little skeptical about if this was really Bowie. He said tell her ‘red handkerchief’ and she’ll know what that means.

Mystress: Bowie is a spiritual master

GK: I told him I have no clue what ‘red handkerchief’ means. He just sat there. But his presence was very radiant and peaceful.

A few days later, I was in Mystress' home helping her around the house. I came across a picture of her where she was wearing a red bandana around her neck. When I showed it to Mystress, she told me that this was her punk style. Fast forward another week, I find the same bandana somewhere in a pile of laundry. Mystress and I burst out laughing stunned. I told her "I did ask him for evidence.." 

For millions around the world, their first introduction to Bowie is through his music. For me, I got to know him as an inspirational figure. And I am very much enjoying getting to know him more.

For 2017, I would like to be more responsible with my anger and be more forgiving towards myself and others.
Thank you Goddess. *namaste*

[Gopi]

I requested Mystress to do a Tarot card reading for funsies... She used a beautiful deck. And the card I got was Ordinariness.
Today, I was cleaning my bedroom.
Guide stopped me and made me look at this.
Burst out laughing.... 
Thank you Goddess.

[Gopi]

Made a sketch today after a very long time

[Mystress]

  I took Bowie's death really hard. I had not known he was ill and beat myself up a bit for not guessing... knew he had a stroke. Regretting that I had not had the opportunity to reach out and offer some help to one who gave me so much, even though he does not know me.  Caught at that stage of grief... couldn't listen to his music, read all the tributes and condolences, lots of old interviews on Youtube.  Fans dissecting and interpreting the content of his final album, "Blackstar" are realizing its talking about his ascension.   

  I set aside my first impression of where I had last seen a red handkerchief, puzzled he would reference another artist, especially *that* one lol  so I sat with it a few days but nothing else came up so I mentally went back to re-examine the moment. I had not expected the signal to be so precise, it referred to a sequence of  my *thoughts* from the week previous. A handkerchief, that specific size and red cotton with the black paisley ink pattern Gopi was shown, is called a bandanna. A traditional cowboy handkerchief. 

  Sometimes when I find a song I like I decide to learn all the words, and "Copperhead Road" by Steve Earle is pretty badass. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvaEJzoaYZk

  In the video he ties a red bandanna around his wrist, with fingers and teeth because that is the only way to tie a bandanna around your wrist and I know because I used to wear one in my teenage punk days... wrist or neck. I had been watching and remembering, how it was right around that time that a friend lent me "Changes one" and listening to "Space Oddity" on the headphones I fell helplessly in love, with the man and the music and that never changed. John Lennon was murdered months later, I didn't take it quite as hard as some of my friends because my allegiance had shifted. That is the sequence of thoughts Bowie was referencing.

  I don't know how the bandanna ended up in the laundry, clean and still neatly folded from decades of being archived in the scarf drawer.   The photo was sent by my sister, going through stuff after mom's death.

  My high school class photo, punk fashion plate. Black wool sweater, small cluster of button sized band pins, (how we marked our alliegances) and the red bandanna. http://www.wreckingpit.com/gif/straycats-promo1.jpg

  So I called him up, ascended master to ascended master and he showed up and I was so astonished and star struck I did not know what to say! He seemed amused, for sure hes seen that reaction before... while alive.

  I don't talk about it, cannot create expectations. Surrender has to be complete, we let go of everything. Sometimes, the reward for service is dreams and wishes too deep and heartfelt to even be spoken of, coming true in ways the ego never could have imagined.

  This amazing man whom I have loved, admired and been inspired by for most of my life, without any hope of having any sort of personal connection with him... (millions of people are in love with David Bowie, we all want that...) is my new spirit friend, as close as thought.   

[Gopi]

I am very happy to read this Mystress.
I don't have the same kind of intense life-long connection that you have had with Bowie.
I still don't know anything about him. Love his style and his ability to reinvent himself. He has inspired a few of my teachers who were inspirations to me. That's my primary relation to him.
He just showed up. I did not recognize and refused to believe. 
But he sat there in silence as if saying 'Stare all you want. I am here.'   
And still does at times with specific guidance.
After reading your post, I kind of feel like I am a kid who has stumbled upon something that he has no idea about how valuable it is or why he found it. LOL. Who am I to question what She wills? 
He's always so sweet with me. I have never felt that I am in the presence of a world famous artist (and will come to know later as an 'ascended spiritual master' as Mystress puts it). I never ask anything of him. Not out of restraint but I never feel like doing so. I am just happy to hang out with him. When I write my research work, sometimes he just shows up and sits there near me. It's a very calming and playful presence. He gives me tips about how to talk to people. I simply say Thank you.
Attaching a pic of me with Miss Chiquita taken in front of Bowie poster at Mystress' living room.
Namaste!

[Gopi]

Woke up sad. Today is the 5th year death anniversary of a person who made me laugh a lot when I needed that most in my life.

When I moved to UK for work, I got very bored in the evenings and took dance classes to pass time. I met a wonderful girl who readily embraced me with all my quirks and warts of self-doubt. She was my friend when I needed one. She became my sister when I did not know I needed one. She invited me into her home and her family became my family. My friend's mom accepted and loved me as her own. Jill was the first mother figure to accept aspects of my personality that I have been taught to hate and feel ashamed about - being an effeminate gay man.

To me, I was me. Others convinced me that I can and need to change. I remember one of my friend trying to correct my 'limp wrist' gestures because she truly wanted to help me to become, what she thought was a more socially appropriate, a 'nice gay man'. Jill never wanted to change anything in me. She always asked me 'Are you happy my darling boy?'. She laughed a lot and made us all laugh about every silly thing under the sun.
During her final years, she fought cancer with so much courage and compassion. When her treatment options failed, she marveled at her own cancer cells as 'Clever lil buggers!' and then laughed. She made fart jokes in her death bed to make us all laugh.

I miss laughing with you momalina! I miss eating cake with you and making vulgar jokes about men. Gratitude for having met you and for your loving presence in my life. And yes, I am happy!

Thank you Goddess!!

[Gopi]

Currently reading 'Ecstasy Through Tantra' by Dr. John Mumford. A lot of insightful information. Wanted to share this passage on 'black magic' and 'sexual energy' here. Please feel free to share your thoughts.

"In fact, sexuality is a specific antidote, as well as antithesis, to "black magic." The deliberate trying (and "try" is a word with built-in failure) to injure another person, mentally or physically, through psychic channels is only resorted to by those who are psychologically ill and feel themselves to be impotent in negotiating life. Paranoid personalities, riddled with feelings of envy, hostility, auspiciousness and oversensitivity, characterize those prone to practice "black magic," and these very traits trip them up because they are susceptible to the idea that their own spells will rebound upon them. "Black magic" is a type of mental judo in which an attempt is made to surface the victim's innate, and normally unconscious, negativity and fear, turning it against him while simultaneously convincing him that force is external to himself...
Sex magic is not an appropriate vehicle for "black magic" because the psychic projectile of charged hate and anger is the antithesis of the emotional states generating an orgasm. In fact, sexual sorcery is an excellent expedient for strengthening a shattered psyche or pulling together a sick ego. Esoteric psychology teaches that the powerful force shields created by mutual orgasm repair lesions in the auric shields of the male and female by virtue of the intensity of "re-pairing."
Tantric sexuality is the dimension of sex employed for consciousness expansion. One possible translation of the Sanskrit prefix tan is "expand," while tra means "liberate"; so Tantra becomes that which first "expands" and then "liberates" the mind. A colloquial translation of Tantra would be "mind-blowing.""
- John Mumford (Ecstasy Through Tantra, 1994)

[Duu]

Hi Gopi,
well neo tantra sees tantras as primarily sexual path in that literal sense. And that is not true for traditional texts even if they, some of them, contain that too as a part of whole.
In symbolic way any act of life can be seen as a sexual act. 


If you observe something you are already one with it in your mind. As if it entered you or joined you in a sexual way and you are now having intercourse with it purely by the adventure of seeing it. You don't know where it ends and you begin. Its a much more real thing then just a poetic metaphor.


Now one can get a “mind blowing” orgasm that way for sure.
 Few people here got there.

Love,
Duu

[Mystress]

Currently reading 'Ecstasy Through Tantra' by Dr. John Mumford. A lot of insightful information. Wanted to share this passage on 'black magic' and 'sexual energy' here. Please feel free to share your thoughts.

"Sex magic is not an appropriate vehicle for "black magic" because the psychic projectile of charged hate and anger is the antithesis of the emotional states generating an orgasm. In fact, sexual sorcery is an excellent expedient for strengthening a shattered psyche or pulling together a sick ego. "
- John Mumford (Ecstasy Through Tantra, 1994)

  Bullshit, and you know it's bullshit. What sort of fantasy world does he live in, where sex is always consensual and loving? Does he think all rapists are automatically impotent? Sex can and has been used as a weapon of force and intimidation, humiliation and violence, especially towards women, for millennia, and its still happening.  Fantasizing about sex with someone, without their consent, is a form of black magic and the result has proven fatal to more than one sex symbol celebrity.  People like Marilyn, shell shocked and unable to deal with the incoming energies of thousands of men wanking at her, and do you think their fantasies were always sweet and gentle? No, lots of men get off on violence and rape fantasies, they release their anger and frustrations at the unattainable object of their desires. Abusive sexuality has been a component of black magic, forever, and is still a component of some religions. Sharia law anyone? Rape the infidel? 

  How many cases of spiritual teachers being accused of rape by their female devotees?

  I came across one old, Chinese patriarchal tantra text that recommended a man *buy* a beautiful pubescent girl, rape or seduce her to steal her womens power, and then you may as well dispose of her with murder because shes only a husk now... and it warned she has to be younger than 16 or she turns into a demon after. (yeah because older women got confidence to say how they feel about being abused!)  What "tantra" looked like, at the place and time when girls could be bought, raped and murdered with impunity.

  Statements like this are not only naive, they are extremely irresponsible, they foster a situation where abuse can ripen because whatever happens is good right?

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/i-was-a-tantric-sex-slave-1069859.html

  Gopi, I do not think you believe what he has to say is true either, especially as I know you are aware of some of the horrible sex magic practices in India like men thinking sex with a virgin child will cure them of AIDs.  It is certainly not in line with my teachings, so why did you post it?

  Yes, sexual tantra magic can be powerfully healing, but to say it cannot ever be damaging, is ridiculously naive and opens the door to abuses. Safe, sane, consensual always has to come first, and if that all works out then see if there is room and trust enough for intimate magic. Cannot just assume, because its magic it must be pure. That is an excuse that ego can grab onto and run with, and often has.  On a par with "everybody does it" and "no-one will know." Predatory sexual behavior is an embedded part of human nature, for both genders. For women it is more likely to appear as using sexuality to manipulate. Someone insisting they have none, is lying to themselves and what they have pushed into shadow is pulling their strings and likely to rise up stronger to bite their ass. More news headlines, a priest, a preacher, a guru, a yogi in a sex scandal, charged with rape. Shadow won.

  The kind of arrogant guy who thinks the sex is always good, because it is always good, for him...  got to wonder if his lovers feel the same way.

  There is a reason why Dr. John Mumford is not mentioned anywhere in FST, and that is because he teaches patriarchal tantra, its all about control eh? Control the breath, control the mind, control the body, control the energies... and where is the surrender? Where is the intimate relationship with your Divine Self? There is nothing of a moment to moment, intimate connection, just learn to turn turtle, switch off all your senses, and use earplugs, put a spandex bag over your head and try to be nothing. It is all about the powers you can gain, rah rah, and nothing of the Goddess. 

  I don't like commenting on other spiritual teachers, and would prefer they not be brought here. This is for Fire Serpent Tantra ok? Thanks.

   

http://tantrismuskritik.blogspot.ca/2011/07/sexual-assault-is-old-tradition-among.html

http://www.thedailybeast.com/when-tantric-is-code-for-rape

[Gopi]

Thank you for the clarification Mystress.
You are right. Mumford's version of Tantra is patriarchal and does not account for sexual violence towards women.
I will be more mindful about what I post here moving forward.
Namaste!

[Gopi]

My 2017 resolution was to become more mindful of my anger. I have learned things about myself by paying attention to what makes me angry and how I handle it.

• I am learning to communicate my anger with others in an honest and productive manner instead of being mean or shutting down. I really like that I have become more patient with myself.
• It is easier for me to handle situations where I am angry with someone else. Situations where I am angry with myself is still a tricky beast. It is difficult to not go into 'punish and shame' mode when I am angry with myself.
• Paying attention to my anger has helped me to identify the expectations I have for myself and others. I realized that at times I have very cruel, impractical, and perfectionist expectations for myself.
• When I feel personally offended/hurt by another person's actions and behaviors, there is usually some sort of 'old wound' that is getting triggered. Surrendering triggered karma and processing insights helps me gain healthy distance and a more compassionate perspective about the situation.
• The energy excess triggered by anger is fantastic fuel for me to get stuff done. I feel like I can move mountains when I channel my rage.

I think I still have lots to learn about handling anger (esp. about not punishing myself) but am happy with the growth that 2017 has brought. For 2018, I would like to be less cynical.

• I want to overcome my fear of failure by trying new things and pursuing opportunities.
• I want to approach people with more trust and less expectations.
• I want to accept love from others with humility and gratitude.

Happy new year to everyone.
Namaste!

[Gopi]

I am currently reading 'The Cinderella Syndrome: Discovering God's Plan When Your Dreams Don't Come True' by Lee Ezell. Mystress mentioned this book in another post. I am reading it slowly and sitting down with what resonates. It's a very Christian scripture based book that has insights from real life experiences. I wanted to share a few paragraphs that I have been mulling over about 'Thy will be done.'

This is the same God who placed the universe in order and implanted deep emotions in the soul of man and woman. Can He handle our need for love?
This is the same God who set the boundaries of the ocean and designed the magnificent structure of every snowflake. Can He take care of our kids?
This is the same God who feeds the sparrows and who hid treasures of gold, silver, and precious stones in the heart of the earth. Can He cope with our needs for financial security?
Can God really satisfy the longings of our hearts? Can He deal with our dreams? Can He concern Himself with the wild hopes we hide so carefully in our silent thoughts?
The answer obviously is yes. But a bigger question remains. Are we willing to let Him do things His way? Can we bring ourselves to cast our cares upon Him and leave them there? Can we really count on Him to make the best of the future and to give us what we need for the present?
Can we learn to believe that the past, with all its intricately woven triumphs and tragedies, belongs to Him now, and that He really is able to work all those tangled threads into the picture for good?

[Mystress]

Um sorry, wrong book.
https://www.amazon.ca/Cinderella-Complex-Womens-Hidden-Independence/dp/0671733346

  My penance,lol. Converting Man's Search for Meaning into a web page
http://fire-serpent.com/tantra/manssearchformeaning.html

[Gopi]

Graduated FST today 
Much love and gratitude to Mystress.
Special thanks to Duu for always being kind.
Also want to thank Hillary, Sigmund, and Gustaf for your generosity and love.
Namaste!
~ Gopi

[WhimsicalZephyr]

Congratulations on graduating, Gopi! It'l be interesting to have a new alum around.

[Gopi]

I had an urge to write down TEN things that I have learned in the past TEN years. Some of this is work related but relatable to all creative professions. I am sharing the list here because FST has helped me a lot (joined FST on 22 July 2013 and graduated on 06 April 2018). I have learned these from teachers around me and practice them in my life to the best of my abilities (it's a work-in-progress).

1) Don't compare.
As an academic researcher, I am surrounded by very smart people. It can get very competitive. Thankfully, I learned early that comparing myself with another person is the quickest route to misery. It is not a zero sum game - another person's success is not your failure.

2) Criticism is about the work and not about you.
When someone provides criticism, learn to look past how they're saying it and focus on what they're saying. You don't have to please everyone. When you get helpful criticism, thank the other person.

3) Prepare like your life depends on it and play like you don't care.
May be this is just my personal trait/preference? Being too invested in the outcome can become a burdensome hurdle.

4) Rejection is unavoidable.
I would like to share this quote about rejection here.

"When we take rejection as proof of our inadequacies, it's hard to allow ourselves to risk being truly seen again... The problem arises when shame kicks in and we aren't able to view our flaws, limitations, and vulnerabilities in a patient, self-loving way. The fear of rejection becomes understandably intense when it taps into our own belief that we are lesser than others - or lesser than the image we feel compelled to project...
None of us is immune to the pain of rejection, but the more we grow in maturity and self-worth, the less likely we are to take it quite personally. When we acknowledge that rejection is not an indictment of our being, but an experience we must all face again and again if we put ourselves out there, rejection becomes easier to bear. The only sure way to avoid rejection is to sit mute in a corner and take no risks. If we choose to live courageously, we will experience rejection-and survive to show up for more."
~ Harriet Lerner (The Dance of Fear)

5) Build discipline; motivation will follow.
Waiting for motivation is like waiting for good weather. Invest in yourself come rain or shine.

6) You know what happens if you give-up; you don't know what might happen if you stick it out.
Practice saying 'Enough for today!' and show up for work tomorrow early.

7) Perfectionism is self-persecution.

• "At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success." ~ Michael Law
• "Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve?" Perfectionism is other-focused: "What will they think?"" ~ Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection)

8 ) Same actions will not yield different results; if you can see the pattern, you can also break the pattern.
Humans are creatures of habit; you cannot eliminate a habit but can replace it. We are what we do repeatedly.

9) Reward yourself not just when you succeed but more importantly when you handle failure graciously.
Learn to 'let go' with gratitude for the experience and growth. Grieve without rushing but do not wallow in self-pity.

10) Step out of your comfort zone.
Thrill seeking is not the same as stepping out of your comfort zone. Vulnerability is not the same as weakness.

[Gopi]

I am currently on lesson 3 of new FST - The Sacredness of Sexuality
It has been personally challenging to unlearn my past fear based habits.
I still catch myself self-abandoning/disassociating at times and then feel inadequate.
I found myself feeling jealous about someone else's youth and then felt bad about being vain.
Learning to accept that my body and sexual libido has changed is not always easy.
I am trying to be more kind towards myself and refocus on what I have in the present.
I find it very frustrating that not only do we live in a youth-obsessed hyper-sexual culture but also that there is not much healthy portrayal of ageing and sexuality.
By hyper-sexual, I mean there is a pressure to be sexually available all the time.

Through sex education, we are mostly taught mechanics and given warnings about STDs/pregnancy - very important but woefully inadequate.
We assume people know how to flirt, ask for intimacy, deal with heartbreaks, open up to others with trust after being hurt, and negotiate sexual needs with their partner.
We have successfully made 'ageing' a problem to be solved through consumer products and services.
We have made it possible to find the nearest sexually available person (anytime/anywhere) through apps and websites.
But also simultaneously have ended up with many people feeling alienated, disenchanted, and lonely.
In the past, I have used sex as a way to numb myself and escape facing my own real needs/desires (which is often emotional connection and intimacy).
One of my past lovers said something to me that shook me: it's like you are raping yourself by making yourself have sex when what you really want is to be close to another.
It has been a slow, bumpy, and on-going process to learn to listen, discern, and respect my own needs/desires.

I believe men and women suffer differently because of sexist/ageist ideas, although not equally.
Canadian novelist Margaret Atwood once asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women. He replied, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." She then asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men. They answered, "We're afraid of being killed."
There is intense shame around men talking about changes in their libido and bodily abilities as they age.
I am not interested in tips for feeling more horny or having prolonged sex (so many books available on this).
I am interested in cultivating a mindful, compassionate, and pleasurable relation to my own body as it ages and changes (yet to find a good book written for men).
I am learning that it is ok to grieve (not wallow) for loss but also balance it with gratitude for what I have in the present.

At one point, I was taking anti-anxiety medication which completely killed my sex drive (my doctor did warn me about this).
One day, I just felt so sad for the loss of my own libido and cried.
It felt silly for me as a grown man to cry about not having boners liked I used to as a teen.
After crying, I also felt like I learned to appreciate my own sexuality in a more human way.
I guess we only grieve for what we value.
At the same time, I also remember praying for taking away my libido because it got so crazy intense at several points during my initial  K awakening.
Now it comes and goes like the moon waxes and wanes...
I am slowly learning to listen and appreciate my own body with a little more gratitude and grace.
I keep reminding myself that not everyone is lucky enough to become old.
If any of you feel like sharing personal experiences/insights about ageing gracefully and changing sexual needs, please feel free to comment - I am very much interested to learn from others.

Namaste!
Gopi

PS: I am currently reading a book edited by Georg Feuerstein titled 'Enlightened Sexuality: Essays on Body-Positive Spirituality'.
I want to share a few quotes that resonated with me here from one of the articles in that book.

"In gestalt therapy, we notice that when an experience is unfulfilling, it is because we are, in some way, out of contact with the experience.
The experience is not complete; thus we don't feel completed by it. Something is missing in the contact.
Genuine contact, which means "with touch," helps us to grow and realize ourselves. Incomplete contact diminishes us because it leaves something untouched.
Human beings are faced with a variety of presences, manifested in other people, ideas, histories, events, emotions, religions, philosophies, languages, hopes, dreams, and memories. Human beings are fed by much more than food and drink. But just like the plants and animals, they grow only by contact with that which is truly nourishing to their total being.
While there is nothing so disappointing as the emptiness we can feel after "having sex," there is nothing quite so fulfilling as the ecstasy we experience in truly meeting and joining with another person in the spirit of reverence for the total being of that person. It is in such encounters that we can know and love the God who is love."
~ From Having to Being: Toward Sexual Enlightenment by Jean Lanier

[Gopi]

I made my first post to Tearoom on July 22, 2013 (a full moon day that is celebrated in India as Guru Purnima) -

http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1418.msg6235.html#msg6235

Today is July 21, 2024 and it is Guru Purnima.

"Guru Purnima is a religious festival dedicated to offering respect to all the spiritual and academic gurus. It is celebrated as a festival in India, Nepal and Bhutan by Hindus, Jains and Buddhists. This festival is traditionally observed to honour one's chosen spiritual teachers or leaders. It is observed on the full moon day (Purnima) in the month of Ashadha (Juneâ€"July) according to the Hindu Calendar."
Source: Wikipedia

That's 11 years of FST! What a ride!!

It feels appropriate to write a testimonial about my relationship with my spiritual teacher, Mystress Angelique Serpent.



I have experienced severe depressive episodes since I was a small child.
I have repeatedly experienced suicidal thoughts and was self-harming by starving myself.
I started experiencing intense Kundalini awakening symptoms when I was around 30 years old.
I did not understand what was going on. I felt lonely, confused, scared, and desolate.
At one point, my body was sending me alarming signals that I was falling apart rapidly - I either had to do something soon or I will die.
That's how I came to FST.

Since I was born and raised in India, I came to FST expecting a guru (in the traditional Indian sense).
Mystress continually refused to play guru for me and insisted that I learn to walk my path using my own legs.
That said, I have received a lot of mentoring and support from Mystress over the years.
I kept trying to 'figure out' Mystress and it always threw me in a loop.
Soon I learned that it did not matter what I thought/understood.
What mattered was whether I was willing to try things with an open mind and heart.
As I progressed through FST lessons, I noticed profound changes in my life.
My Tearoom posts over the years bear testimony to my journey with FST.
It is not an exaggeration when I say - because of FST, I have not had suicidal thoughts in past 7+ years.

When I graduated FST, Mystress offered me the opportunity to become FST lineage.
I have benefited a lot from the guidance and support from other FST members.
I feel good when I am able to assist and support other FST students.
So I agreed to be FST lineage because it felt right for me.
As lineage, I have a more personal relationship with and get a lot more one-on-one training from Mystress.
When I first met Mystress in person, I was too anxious about meeting my spiritual teacher and did not know what to expect.
Over the years, Mystress and I have become good friends.

Mystress is the wisest person I have personally known till date.
I have not yet met someone who has such profound understanding of the human psyche and spirituality.
I do not always immediately understand everything she says but based on my past experiences, I have enough trust to remain open and try things.
Mystress has been generous, kind, persistent, and patient with training me.
I have lost count of how many times I have been stumped and left speechless while learning things from her.
She is also a no-nonsense person who knows when to crack the whip.

Several years ago, I realized that I was deeply alienated from myself.
I had erased, silenced, and abandoned myself in order to please others.
The result of that self-erasure was that I had no idea who I was and what I wanted.
It made me very sad that I was a stranger to myself and stranger among others.
My journey with Mystress and FST so far has helped me to rediscover my authentic self and live true to myself.
There are lots of spiritual and mystical experiences I have had in these past 11 years.
Too many synchronicities... too many surreal moments that defy logical explanations... to write down and count.

Looking back, what I treasure the most is this: I am true to myself and I love myself.
I have come a long way from 'abandoning myself and self-harming' to genuinely loving myself.
Because I love myself, my relationship with others has vastly improved - my cup overflows.
I am a work in progress and growth is never done with Kundalini.
Mystress inspires me to be kind, generous, playful, and disciplined.
For this, I am grateful.
Thank you for being my teacher and friend, Mystress.
Looking forward to more exciting things in the future.

Namaste!
Gopi