Energy overload

[edward]

Hi,

I'm having energy overload again, with cacti eyes, headache and dizzy feeling.

Doing hands to the floor, and showers visualizing energy going out to the sea, seems to only help slightly. Also stop smoking pot seems to increase the overload.

I've been experimenting with doing different types of hatha yoga sequences the last days, but the hatha yoga seems to actually increase the overload. All kinds of other spiritual/energy work also seems to be doing that.

However, doing "brain dead" activities like lifting weights, eating beef pizza and smoking pot, seems to help me feel better again.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself, but the above seems to be the conclusion for now. The coming days I'm gonna do the above mentioned "brain dead" activities, and only very little bit of hatha yoga just for the stretching, and see how it works out.


Edward

[edward]

As I am getting more embodied, my survival instincts are starting to kick in, as I am becoming more aware that I am going to die. This body is going to die.

On New Years Eve I got a strong feeling that I am going to die, and I got a strong fear that I will die young. However, I don't know when and how I am going to die, so why not make the best out of my life?

Maybe I will live a long life and die old, or maybe I will not. Only thing that is certain, is that I don't know how life is going to unfold. This seems to bring a sense of peace. I don't want to worry or stress about things, but rather enjoy the experience of having a body for a time I don't know how long or short.

Most of my life, it has felt very constant. Like I am going to live forever. But now it's starting to dawn upon me that I don't have any control over my life and events.

I remember when leaving Finland after the FST workshop, Mystress said something like "tick tack, death is walking beside you". I was like "huh?".

With this, also a need for becoming physically stronger and bigger is emerging, and I'm lifting weights regularly now.

For many years I have been afraid of becoming psychically strong and muscular, because my strategy when I was a kid, was to become as invisible as possible, so to avoid getting beaten up my father.

When I have been in potentially dangerous situations, also in the adult years, my strategy has been to be like a innocent kid, and that has worked fine. But now I'm getting older, getting into my 30-year-life-crisis (Quarter-life crisis?) and I am getting white beard on my jaw! I still feel like a child, but I see that my body is getting older and more mature.

When starting to lifting weights, I see this fear coming up in my mind, that people will harm me if I look like someone who is physically strong.

Well, it's my life, and I don't know when it will end, and if I feel good about lifting weights, then I am going to do that. Yoga has become something I do to keep the subtler energies flowing and the body flexible and supple, but it's not the only physical activity for me now.

Goddess please take this, and take good care of the job situation I am in also


Edward

[Mystress]

 Tibetan prayer beads are skull shaped, because remembering your mortality makes you feel more alive. 

[edward]

If palmistry means anything, my life line goes all the way down to my wrist lines - just ends a few millimetres above the wrist lines.

[robink]

Hi Edward,

I too experience overload sometimes, but I experience it mostly when something ungrounds me, therefore I related it as a result of being ungrounded. I also feel that the upper chakras don’t have the ability to hold much energy, so I feel that’s its more being centred in the upper chakras that creates the overload. Bringing my centre down to the heart or lower seems to resolve this.

I also have to avoid things like music, particularly the devotional type which I love, half an hour of that will leave be feeling overloaded for a whole day, any form of chanting is even worse. I also had to stop playing piano several years ago due to this. Along with the overload, I get a physical stress response or revving of the nervous system that makes my kind of squirmy and uncomfortable. I’ve been surrendering this and only mention it now because I would really love to be able to listen to music someday. I am wondering if perhaps I’m missing something as I’ve never heard of this type of symptoms before. It’s not that much of a big deal; I can surrender it and can steer away from the things that cause the overload. A loop hole or way around this issue would be nice though, for Goddess to handle, any insights would be nice as well.

Peace,

Robin

[edward]

Hello,

I've been following this course almost daily for 6 years now, and have worked as much as I can with myself.

Apparently I'm next in line in the bank I work in, to get downsized, and they are trying to get rid of me cheaply by accusing me of very negative stuff, that I know is not true, but rather what I have experienced from my bosses and colleagues.

I feel that most of this course is built upon seeing my reflection in everything and everyone that I experience in this life. Sure, I have several experiences where I have physically felt united with my surrounding, but in day to day life,
I can no longer accept that every single negative person or trait I experience from other people, is just a reflection me - simple human Edward persona.

For almost 6 years I've been thinking that I can not react to negative people, because they are only reflecting my bad behaviour, and that I should just accept and love them. Taking responsibility for everybody's negative behaviour and saying that it is only me, and not other people, not setting boundaries and just accepting crap, does
not work for me anymore!

I remember after the FST workshop in Finland, in the afterparty when we where sitting around the fire, Mystress left the group, and sat on the porch somewhere else. Then she called for me, and I remember that she commented that she didn't like the guys who came to the fire (they where not participants of the FST Workshop). I did not hear Mystress saying that "oh, I'm just projecting my shadow on to them, so I should just sit here with them here around the fire, and love and accept my own reflection" No, she got away, and commented that she didn't like them. And for the fact, I didn't like those guys either instinctively, because I felt unease and bad vibes when they came.

So this is where I don't get. Have I gotten it all wrong when seeing everything as my own reflection? I didn't hear Mystress saying that those guys where just a reflection of her. And when Mystress gives someone a spanking, or chase away people from the FST board or the K-list, I don't see her saying that it's only a reflection of her?

So in that way I feel that Mystress does not practice 100% that what she preaches. And I don't expect it either, because Mystress is after all also human with a human ego. So either the teaching that one should see one's reflection in everything, is not true, or Mystress does not practice what she preaches.

Maybe I'm just pissed of right now, but I feel that by accepting all kinds of crap from people (because they are just a reflection of my own traits, so I must love them right?) gives me only bad self esteem.

I'm considering taking a long break from FST and all kinds of spiritual teachings, and see how that works out.

Mystress, or any one else here are welcome to reply to this.



Edward

[Duu]

Hi  Edward,
Yes, vacation is a good idea.
The best vacation is vacation from oneself. Like the movie Total Recall.

I liked the Mystress comment about the beads. Its about faith and death.
You can hide from death behind some belief system only for so much, you know.

You say you train to see everything is a reflection of you.
But more truer I think is to think that others are reflections of your ego.
And you are not your ego. Nor is your ego is realy yours, it just is. I mean yes, you created it, but based on processes that where already present around you so. (Genetics, society, family etc.)
So nothing really new or unique. But somehow it is still invisible when you look for it. So when you dont see it inside, you just look for it outside. But if you see it and are not moved to do some change then dont. Its just lesson a opportunity nothing more.

I think the seeing reflection is only a one small part of FST a tool but not relay its core.
But when you identify whit ego then there is suffering. If you identify with the role.
So when you are not identified with it you can act more fully and without confusion.

I mean the actor playing opposite you is your buddy and friend but now he plays a realy nasty role.
And you play your part. So if they are beating you, you run. (If you are playing the running part.) But there is a point in it, you can learn a lot about your own role and what you are actually playing, from what your buddy which is playing opposite of you. If you forgot what do you play and why.
I think Mystress would not recommend to act on any dogma in any given situation. She would advise to go by the feeling and common sense. Faith to the Godess but tie up the cammels type of thing. So even if you are common or enlightened camel header once you are a camel herder there are some rules to it, based on the accepted role.

So maybe you think you play a banker in this play. But perhaps you play a person trying to awake in a sleeping world. A person that only plays that he is a banker to hide his true act. That will come as a dramatic revelation in some future act. And now actor is in a very dramatic act where his cover is blown or maybe just disturbed. And he discovers that now he must play a role in a different way. Coming to a necessary very exciting conclusion of discovering that he is just the actor and not the role.
So after so many many acts where he was finally somehow winning in the play, all fine and well, he finds out that he won but just in a play. And instead of great expected joy from long standing ovations, he gets then a bit of disappointment. And I guess our suspicion of this can be felt as a shadow in time, long before the end. (my experience)

I think you would like to have a really nice adventure on the stage, full of mystery and strange plot twists, more then lets say always to play a role of a happy banker. But there are some people who picked and prefer the simpler roles. But from your post I see you like it wild. And that is good.
But in a really wild time know that you are just actor behind all the masks. And actor who in reality doesnt care much about the masks. I mean they just belong, are property of the theater anyway. But they are so nice anyway.
But if you have some asigned mask and are on the stage than you just play whatever scene is on, to the best you can.
If your role calls to play a banker having a spiritual transformation and a lots of inner and outer conflict
because of it. Its not realy that bad role to play. Its most profound. Almost symbolic of our civilization as a whole.
You don even need to understand the play or even your role, but you can limit your suffering by knowing you are the actor.

And you find also that you can chage masks and role. The masks are just glued on to you whit karma (ego, belief). Easy to solve.
But without ungluing the attempt to change mask to move to next act and role is just frustrating.
Hopefully it helps.

With love,

Duu

[edward]

Hmm.. while being angry whole day at those cockroach and parasitic types of people, I had this song lyric "I'm in love with myself, I'm in love with my own reflection" going on my mind.

So, while cutting up the enormous amounts of chicken fillets I had bought, which I'm not going to eat because I need to eat these enormous amounts of chicken this week to survive, but only because I'm using the chicken to put on some muscle on my body.....so, here I am, eating these poor chicken that have given up their lives from a cramped chicken raising hall, so that I can buy them cheaply because I want to look good in the mirror.

OK. So everything is a reflection, in lesser or bigger degree, and in different ways.

And so I am going to be the poor victim bank employee that is made redundant, and then I'm going to sue the bank for racial discrimination and sexual orientation harassment.

I don't know if I want a Total Recall type of vacation. Where you ironic?


Edward

[robink]

Hang in there Edward! 29 year crisis can get pretty intense; mine passed a few months ago, total devastation! It sounded like you didn’t like your work environment anyway, so don’t worry about it, maybe it’s time to find a better one!
I remember trying to bulk up last year as well, the amount of food I had to consume and all the exercise was not sustainable or natural for my body in the long term. After I stopped, it only took my body a few weeks to dump all the muscle that was built up and revert back to its natural thinness.  I gave up trying to change it and decided to accept my body as it is. I don’t consider being thin as weakness. A persons demeanour is more related to how they conduct themselves anyway and I don’t think you have a problem there. If decide to have a break, dont stay away too long 

[edward]

Robin,

I don't think I will go into another job right after this. Mystress recommended that I study psychology. So when the job situation has finalized, I might spend the next year just studying for the entrance requirements for the 6 year psychologist program at the university. It's a really good loan and scholarship system in the country, so why not study instead of working.

If I stop doing yoga for just one week, I will gradually loose all my flexibility, so in that way being yogic flexible is not natural for the body either. I'm not lifting weights because I want lots of physical muscle, but because I enjoy the training and also getting physically stronger. I get a nice kick out of it.

Edward

[robink]

Being a student is a great idea! It has been my ticket out of the corporate world for the last 2 years. Prior to that, I was working 70-80 hrs a week in Dubai and looking for a way out of the insanity. I'm now doing postgraduate studies in the engineering field and plan to just stay at university doing research and teaching after I finish. It’s a good life being a student, academics don’t have it bad either. All the best with it.

[edward]

How could I think about leaving this FST? I was really angry and shooting at everything. Shadow-word is not easy.

Reading Robin's posts just gives a nice warm feeling, and Duu with his clarity and clear energy. I would also miss Mystress, and that would not be something I want!

edward

[Duu]

Hi Edward,

I think there can be a different view to it as well. I think that some tools like observing ego and detaching from it and etc. And seeing the reflections and learning from it, do already require certain energy level. Once you drop down from the some energy level down. The tools actually stop being useful and trying to use them out of some mind habit or memory will create actually more karma. Since the whole process will be unnatural at that level, gets twisted and untrasparent.
And this is true for other tools, things and perceptions as well.

I mean those things like wild emotion are seemingly innocent but when they drop your energy level, your former intelligence and skill level will not be there anymore. So being unfocused, not catching it in time and indulge in ego play can for some people have a somewhat disproportionate unpleasantness, it seems. And Im thinking that perhaps one could be in temptation to use some things that rise the energy level quick but just in temporary way. That way these specific help things are worse then addictive drugs, creating a scenario where one think the higher energy is naturally his/hers when it infact is not really. And by the same way they undermine self sufficiency and overall balance. Leading perhaps to even deeper downs after it. Withdrawal moment that urges a new shot.

So my advice is perhaps you could find those things that you you use like that and reevaluating them for possible hidden negative effects.

Let me know if these ideas were helpful for you.
And maybe also what have you found.

Love
Duu

[edward]

Duu,

I'm trying to extract what you're saying:

What you're saying is that if one's energy body is cluttered, and one looses the higher chakra views, one's ego might still think it's "enlightened", and from that place project stuff, that makes karma.

Is this what you are saying?

Edward

[Duu]

Hi Edward,

No, not really that. Or not only that.
I was recently been occupied with why after a fall I have a up down period instead of smooth returning. Reocurence of falls. Recently I had situations where I fallen down from my energy level. I think its can be called being cluttered or other process could be involved as well.

One thing I found as a cause of the up and down process was, that I naturally disliked the lower vibe state and I wanted to get out of it quick. But somehow habitually I preferred using external tools. Like certain foods, certain form based exercises, or temporary energy exercises, outward directed focus or other things using like helpful websites to example and etc. Non consciously as a matter of fact. But I noticed that it were those things that helped me up, and I was so glad, but there was some unnaturalness to it. So perhaps it was the object or duality based tint that the body did not like, Im unsure. Or simply it was the fact that it skipped some lessons or karma that should be heard or solved.

What I see now is that the uplifting effect of that tools worn off in time and new down followed not that perhaps one would be less observant but simply because one slowly runned out of the booster energy. And  got caught in whatever stuff picked up.. Back to the point where there was an important lesson to be had.

The whole process  was a bit interesting since it looked like that those things did worked well before. So maybe there was a shift at some point since I was missing something very essential.
Im after my experiences thinking that part of the up and down process is not a problem in the falling part but in the rising part.
And I thought it might be relevant to you.

Simply just to recheck if the process of rising up from ego after falling and the tools/crutches one uses are still working ok and if they dont have some limiting nature of some kind or short term expiration drawback. I believe that the other side of how to not fall is somewhat more natural to us. And we have the good advantage of starting out from a higher level momentum.
From the bottom up the challenge is entirely different one and if we are pressed with pain and urgency we might perhaps do some steps out of habit not realizing that one is perhaps skipping something. And the solution will therefore maybe not stable.

Im sorry for the vague language. It was just as a specific situation that I tried to describe and saw a useful information for you there. So it is up to you to see how and if it is applicable to you.

Love
Duu

[edward]

Duu,

I don't mind you being more specific and direct in your language, because otherwise it feels like reading one long riddle

If you are vague because you are unsure yourself, then that is okay.


Edward

[edward]

Regarding my post where I wrote that Mystress don't practice that which she preaches or that her teaching is not 100% correct, when it comes to seeing ones reflection in everything.

I understand now that the post is about me not understanding her teaching correctly, and me interpreting her in my own ways.

I also see that I directed my anger towards Mystress, but also Goddess, as Mystress is symbol of that in many ways, since she is the one who introduced me to the Goddess,
even though that I try to be aware that she is not "my" Goddess.

I understand that Mystress has felt hurt and that she has felt that I am attacking her.
The energy in the post clearly had anger in it - anger that was also related to stuff between my mother and me.

I also see that that it was a passive aggressive way of showing my frustration with not understanding or interpreting the teaching correctly, but also because I did not want to look at my own reflection, because I felt ashamed and humiliated by it.

I makes me sad to think that Mystress has felt hurt, because there is probably no other human being in the world that I love and like as her - and in many ways my life basically is revolving around her teachings and her as a teacher.

I'm sorry for the negative stuff that I've caused.


Edward

[edward]

I also want to add that it also has to do with resistance to the Teacher, I see now.

If what Mystress suggests and advices, will not hurt me, then I think it's wise to listen to what she says. I don't wanna risk that my ego is resisting, and in the process risk poisoning Mystress with my resistance.


edward

[Blossom]

Hey Edward,

I am just responding to your posts because you have chosen to post your thoughts on this board and there is always a reason behind every action we take. Action/Reaction. In saying this, I am also paying attention to my own reasons as to why I am choosing to respond to your postings.

There is something I am not quite clear about. You say that Mystress felt hurt and that she felt that you were attacking her? Did she say this to you directly or are you projecting your stuff on to her?

In either case it shouldn't matter what Mystress feels because that is her stuff (you can't fix that for her).  Your responsibility is that you need to look at and deal with only your stuff (minding your own business)... and not take on the responsibility of looking after someone else's stuff - unless they give you permission to do so or Goddess (and not the ego) gives it to you.

I can understand that through your post you're acknowledging your behaviour/feelings, but if anyone was affected by your 'negative stuff' (as you phrase it) that is their problem and something they need to examine. And not you.

Blessings,

[robink]

Hi Edward,

I know that Mystress is very lovable and a symbol for Goddess for many people (including me), but I think it’s important that we don’t become dependent on her. We need to be complete within ourselves and not look to someone else to complete us. A simple test is to examine our own thoughts, where are they? Is our undivided attention in the here and now, chopping wood, carrying water? This is really what it means me to be grounded.

If we are dependant one someone, they are constantly in our mind, our mind is not empty, our stability is dependent on how we interpret them and how they view us. We cannot stand on our own feet, nor have peace enough to be mindful of our own breathing. I believe that it is also possible to be dependent on a teaching, all teachings were meant for us to have an empty mind, so the teacher and the teaching must eventually be transcended. There is a saying: “If you find a Buddha on the road kill him!”.

I do not mean to downplay the importance or the relevance of the teaching being presented in FST, on the contrary, but an empty mind has no words/concepts/thoughts/ideas. My understanding is, to be enlightened, every attachment must be thrown out, including: everything, everyone, in addition to everything anyone as ever felt, thought, heard or experienced.

A person’s life should not revolve around another person, if we are truly understanding and integrating the teaching, then responsibility is completely on us. We will not be disappointed if things do not work out for us nor angry at the teacher. Once we understand something, it becomes ours, we own it. That is the role of a teacher, to empower people through insight and understanding. Not to lead a bunch of blind followers  .

If I detect dependence in any of my relationships, I sometimes find some distance, or "me time" helpful in re-establishing my own centre.

Chopping wood...

Robin

[melodicvibrations]

As I am getting more embodied, my survival instincts are starting to kick in, as I am becoming more aware that I am going to die. This body is going to die.
Edward

I had overload in a very similar way for a while, for me going to a park where there is lots of old trees and just being there would help.  At first I thought it wasn't working, but when I forced myself to stay for more than 20 minutes things would stabilze.  Mystress told me on the K board to put my back against a tree, and this helped a lot.  Some trees are not enlightened though, you have to feel out for the ones that will help with things.  I just started the FST course so don't take what I say as the truth, just sharing my experiences.

[melodicvibrations]

I meant to quote the first post, my mistake.

[Mari]

Trees are what they are, but not all trees are always willing to work with you. Trees have different qualities, and you may notice that you are drawn to different trees according to what you need. I usually love to hang out with oaks, their energy is very deep and silent to me. If I feel I need more light hearted joy and giggles, I turn to birch for example, who is like young maiden. 

In my mind, I get in contact with the spirit of the tree with respect, asking can I come closer to be nurtured. I also thank it when I am ready, sometimes leaving a small offering to the tree and the fae folk.

[melodicvibrations]

Trees are what they are, but not all trees are always willing to work with you. Trees have different qualities, and you may notice that you are drawn to different trees according to what you need. I usually love to hang out with oaks, their energy is very deep and silent to me. If I feel I need more light hearted joy and giggles, I turn to birch for example, who is like young maiden. 

In my mind, I get in contact with the spirit of the tree with respect, asking can I come closer to be nurtured. I also thank it when I am ready, sometimes leaving a small offering to the tree and the fae folk.

That's cool.  I alway worry about the tree not wanting my junk, I have never tried to get in contact with the spirit of the tree first I think I will try this. 

[robink]

This thread reminds me of a place I visited near Big Sur passing through the redwoods of northern California which I absolutely fell in love with. I mean really fell in love with. I never felt so much for a tree in my life so I became a tree hugger for the first time. There is something very moving to me about being surrounded by those ancient majestic giants that makes my jaw drop. We don't have any redwoods in Australia, but Mountain Ash are the next best thing. I love Oak too and Maple. There are so many massive trees where I live the light is hardly able to get in through the windows! I love trees!