Pacing myself.

[Blossom]

I spent some time this morning reflecting on reasons why I seem to always want to rush ahead and why I always seem to think that I am somehow falling behind. I guess I set the intention of bringing these issues to surface a couple of weeks ago and I have been seeing them surface within the last week.

In my reflections I kept being drawn back to experiences in childhood where my mother would always compare me with other people and ask me why I couldn't be more like them. Why I couldn't do things the way she thought was best. Of course I always failed to meet her expectations, and it made me question why I wasn't able to meet those expectations. I saw and still do see myself as a failure in many things and it causes quite a bit of frustration. Because I feel as though I need to fulfill all these different roles in order to become a better/balanced person. I feel as though I am quite inadequate overall and I still feel quite a bit of self-loathing.

My mother has a knack for reflecting my fears back onto me. And also dumping her own fears onto to me. I can't do anything about resolving her fears, so I am focusing on resolving my own.

Anyway, things that I had been worried about the last several weeks came up in her 'lecture' to me the other day. I had been worried about not feeling any direction about what I want to do for work, I was worried about not doing things other people my age do, and I was worried about stagnating amongst other things.

In her lecture mum asked me why I wasn't doing this and that, why I couldn't be like the people she thinks I should be like, and she kept bringing up other peoples children and asking me why I wasn't doing the things they are doing at that age, e.g. this lady's 14 year-old daughter was baking cakes. I had to point out to her that I had learnt to bake at age 8 or sometime earlier. She'd chosen to forget because she's more focused on what I should be like because she wants what's best for me and more importantly herself. Apart from pointing one or two things out about what I could and couldn't do at certain ages I let her rant on without contributing to the conversation. Instead, I focused my attention on listening and paying attention to my reactions. And also detaching as much as I could.

I spent some time this morning surrendering these issues.

I know that I can't meet the expectations set down for me because if I was supposed to be like these 'perfect people' I would have incarnated into their bodies and had their experiences. I guess I am wondering why I chose this specific experience (family) and what these anxieties/fears I have accumulated over the years is supposed to show me.  All it has really done is make me fearful of existence and also caused me to have a wide-range of problems with mood and anxiety. These feelings of inadequacy I have make me unconsciously hold out my 'needy-cup' to people because I seem to crave love/attention. Perhaps this neediness also contributes to my absorption of other peoples issue - on top of the whatever heals in them heals in me too.
My lack of assertion and the fears I was projecting throughout school years allowed others to pick on me easily and in-turn caused me to withdraw even more...

[Blossom]

I'll probably spend some more time surrendering this stuff. I know more issues will unravel as I detach. It all seems to be mostly SP focused and a bit of throat. I have been experiencing some sternum-heart pain the last week too, but don't think it really ties in with this issue overly much.

[Minamaus]

Hi Blossom,
Sounds very much like my mum ! And yes, it is their fear for your well-being that keeps them carrying on like this, I believe. I ended up moving further and further away, until I ended up in Australia (from Munich) My initial reactions as a young teenager were fear, then got stomach ulcer, in later years anger and I would just go for full confrontation, did not even speak to my mum for a year or so. I have changed a bit, and so has my Mum, probably because she's old now and does not see me very often so has worked really hard not to critisize all the time. I love her dearly and have learned compassion. I am still learning surrendering, so there are many issues from my childhood that crop up, relating to a overbearing Mum as well as other issues. Wish you all the best, Blossom, and well done for working so hard at it....you are an amazing person and your Mum loves you, she just cannot help herself.

Love, Minamaus

[Blossom]

Hi Minamaus,

Yes, she certainly does want/expect the best for me. I guess part of her wants me to have a life that is better than hers has been, but at the same time I can say that she is a bit resentful about the 'opportunities' that I and my sister have had. She also has the expectation that we need to look after her (be her source). It's the whole look after your parents as they age thing. You're produced, in part, to look after them. Is that a cultural expectation? My grandmother (mum's mum) had that idea as well, she wanted to keep her kids close to her even when they matured into adults and moved their own separate ways. She also deliberately sabotaged things for them.

I do love her heaps  and wouldn't change her. I can also see much of my parents within myself and I guess I am choosing not to follow their example with my life. I am grateful for what they have shown me about me. I haven't really explored my Dad-issues, but I do have them. He 'checked-out' early. Passing away when I was 10, so there are unresolved emotional issues there.

With my approach to surrendering issues with parents I am looking at what's being held in me. Looking inward, rather than outward towards them (parents) for an answer.

Thank you for the well-wishes. I wish the same for you x

[Minamaus]

Blossom,

I guess we have to practice surrendering.......love, Minamaus

[Blossom]

yep, loads and loads of surrendering.