Question

[gilded_raven]

Hello, my name is Liz and I have been rather shy about talking about what is going on with me, mostly because in the past I've had some painful experiences when opening up emotionally to others. I also know this is because I learned that as a small child showing "weak" emotions like pain, fear, vulnerability resulted in persecution in my family. I am working on overcoming that with my mother and brother as we learn how to be a loving, supportive family since the divorce from my abusive father. I've been taking this course very slowly, I'm still working on grounding lessons.

What brings me here today is something that I'm experiencing that I'm hoping some one can shed some light on. I've had tension in my neck, shoulders and back for quite a while. I'm usually one of the 'grin and bare it' type people, but I'm realizing that that is doing more harm to me than good and that I need to start taking better care of myself. So besides starting an exercise regime and improving my diet I decided to try a massage to find some relief. For the first 2 hours afterward I felt great, then I started to get this tingling, skin crawly sensation down my left arm that quickly spread to my right arm, completely from shoulder to finger tips. Now this sensation occurs only when contact is made with the skin, if I sit perfectly still I don't feel it. Anyway, this feeling really freaked me out and I had a panic attack. I've had these before, the last one was about 2 years ago. My mother and brother assured me that everything was fine and it was only something minor, but I felt as if nothing could console me. I took the next day off work and just tried to relax, but that's pretty difficult when you feel like a basket case. The only thing that seems to alleviate this sensation seems to be lying down and falling asleep. When I have slept well I wake up with no sensations, but they usually return 30 minutes or so after rising and being active.

The next day the sensations continue and then spread to the bottom of my neck and legs, but only when contact is made with a soft fabric, when I touch my neck in the same place with my hand I don't feel it. I went to the doctor, freaking out thinking I'd screwed up my back some how and that I'd need surgery to fix it again (I had a rod implanted at age 13 to fix my scoliosis). The doctor tells me that I've just strained the neck and shoulder muscles and to take NSAIDS and do some neck stretches but to go to a neurologist if it persists. (I work as a graphic designer, so I'm at the computer all day, and I must admit that I do forget to get up and stretch as often as I should. Some days when the work load is heavy I will sit there for almost 8 hours straight, I know that's bad, so I've downloaded the break reminder thing Mystress told me about.)

So I go home, try to relax but cannot, take some pain meds and hope things will be better in the morning. This day goes ok, I'm not as panicky but the sensations are still present and seem to come and go with no rhyme or reason. I go to bed, sleep a few hours and wake up to have another panic attack. My cat wanders in my room and lays on my chest and stomach and I finally start to calm down. (When my cat laid on my chest it felt so much better, like he was covering up a hole that was there or something, very odd.) I fall back asleep for an hour or so and then my alarm goes off and I get up to go to work. I breakdown in front of my boss when I explain why I've missed work, fortunately he is a very compassionate and understanding man and he does his best to reassure me everything is ok. I work all day and with my mind focused on my work I don't notice the sensations so much. I go home and try to talk to my brother (we are very close) about how I'm feeling I breakdown again as my mom is walking by. We talk briefly about the divorce, being forced out of our family home by our father and then my brother says  "maybe its necessary for you to go through this to show mom how much this really hurt you." (I am the oldest, it always seemed to be my duty to be the strong, responsible one and to not show any weakness.) The panic and terror goes completely out of me. Things somehow seem so much more manageable than before. So clearly this is a lot of emotional stuff coming up that I haven't dealt with, understandable. The last couple of years for me have been rather difficult. Before bed I did some yoga and tai chi. On iTunes I found some nice relaxation music and I sleep quite well.

Today I woke up feeling a lot better. The sensations are present in my arms but fainter than before. I did some more stretches and things seem to be improving.
So what I am wondering is this: should I go back to the doctor to have numerous test performed? He said to go back in 7 days if it continued. (Its been almost that long. However, I have only basic health insurance and the majority of these tests I've read about aren't likely covered by my plan.) I've looked around on the internet and from what I read most people who have similar symptoms find no relief from doctors, they end up spending thousands with out ever finding out anything or getting any relief. Now when I looked on some Kundalini websites people say that its just Kundalini rising and that in some it can persist for years even (yikes!).  Also, from time to time I see a blue orb, it varies in size and location of appearance. I also have seen white orbs, but the blue one I've been seeing on and off for the past 5 years or so. I have not found very much information on what it might be.
I would appreciate any thoughts, advice, suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.

[AnandDaan]

Namaste

The symptoms you describe could very well be Kundalini-related phenomena. They could also be nerve damage. Medical tests should always be carried out within your means to rule out potentially life-threatening or permanently damaging physical conditions before passing off symptoms as being of a spiritual nature. There have been too many cases where individuals believe Kundalini is acting and miss neurological or cardiac problems until it is too late. If you cannot afford indepth testing often a frank discussion with your doctor regarding the probable causes and risks is useful to determine if further testing should be completed.

In terms of the blue lights you see, these are common during the evolution of consciousness. Swami Muktananda referred to this as "the blue pearl". He said, "the Blue Pearl [is] the subtlest covering of the individual soul.... When we see this tiny blue light in meditation,we should understand that we are seeing the form of the inner Self. To experience this is the goal of human life. [The Blue Pearl] is tiny, but it contains all the different planes of existence." If you search for "the blue pearl" in a search engine you will find many accounts.

It is also important to remember that the Kundalini path is full of phenomena. There will be lights and tingles, dreams and headaches, spontaneous movements, etc. These are side-effects of the evolution of consciousness and not ends unto themselves. These need not be analyzed or understood with the rational mind. Kundalini Shakti will function in perfection and grace as long as the ego surrenders. There is no need to focus on the phenomena or understand it and doing so can actually detract from the surrender that is essential to realization. You've expressed concern that the phenomena can last for years.It certainly can, but complete surrender will end it much sooner. It happens for a time and then passes. In this path as taught by Mystress the grounding excercises are great for assisting.

Om Shanti
Anand

[farooq]

Hey Liz,

hope you are feeling better.

You mentioned that you tend to `grin and bear it`

I believe that we are all naturally happy, but life experiences tend to grind us down till happiness seems like a foreign concept.

try to genuinely smile.

It could even just be to your self, but when you really have a warm smile and you smile to your family or friends, it will actually benefit both you and them.

Go out of your way to bring more humour and fun into your life...even if its just old reruns of I Love Lucy, find the opportunity throughout the day to smile and laugh.

What may happen then is that your body will start to relax bit by bit. It will not feel like it is under threat or that the situation is not safe.

Basically I am referring to the fight or flight response that we all have.

If you can connect to the beauty and wonder that is all around us, that can really help with you physical issues.

I also agree with everything that AnandDaan wrote. And I`ll  just emphasise that what you see when you close your eyes is fine and not to be too concerned with it. As you get deeper into the course you will probably see more stuff..... just go with the flow.

All the best to you and yours.

Farooq

[gilded_raven]

Thank you so much for the kind words, they helped a lot. I am doing better, the tingling sensations have stopped and the tension in my back and shoulder is now almost completely gone. Which is good because shortly after my initial posting my insurance decided to no longer offer me coverage. I am working on staying positive and surrendering as much as I can and my ability to handle life seems to be improving.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words.

[Mystress]

  The other students have responded so beautifully I have not much to add except, its important to remember that karma is made of fears, and it takes the form of tension in the body.  Knowing this it becomes less surprising that massage could trigger a panic attack as the fear moves through you on its way out. 

  With time it becomes easier, you get in the habit of asking or looking for what is to be surrendered as soon as you feel fear, tension or kundalini symptoms.

  I make nicknames for types of karma I find persistently. You had "Backpack of inappropriate responsibilities." Glad your brother named it for you so you could take it off. 

  Blessings...