Fear of unity

[Mari]

Hi!

Lately I've been working on (again) with my fear of unity. I want to go there, my body longs it and I get shivers of bliss and ecstacy when I think or read about it. Today I again red some old posts from K-list about integrating Death and all, and I felt like I could crawl on the floor doing everything I can to surrender so I could ascend. But when Divine hits me, I get scared, again and again... It really frustrates me, and no matter how much I surrender that fear it is still there. It's like my consciousness gets closer to unity, miracles start to pop out, I get wonderful insights, feel so wonderful energy flowing through me. And suddenly crash boom bang it feels like too much, overload of synchronicities and I fall in to fear. Why, after all my experiences, I still can't handle fluid reality and miracles in action? My mind tries time after time to make me believe that things I see in the upper chakras are like that also in the lower ones, ego adds fear into divine insights and I crash. It looks like I cannot explain this very well... But you can probably feel what I mean? I try to take my ego with me? After these experiences I feel sad and like a failure. I couldn't drop my fear and be in faith and surrender. Maybe I try too much, I know I shouldn't will this to happen, but then I haven't been able to stop myself doing that sometimes. This comes up now because I feel (know even) that I could be soon, I already am, in the middle of synchronicities, gifts, insights of that kind which before pushed me into psychosis and paranoia. First gifts already came, and I crashed right away only to wake up next morning sad that I couldn't trust and fly with this awesome opportunity. I've been connected to few artists for years. I dream about them, sometimes feel them in the daytime too, and see similarities in their art later. In my ”normal” state I can live with that and understand that it is what it is, mostly about my own growth and probably doesn't have much if anything to do with these  personalities. I do have an idea that sometimes we might surf on the same wave, they work with similar issues than I do aproximately at the same time, and then their art gives me deep insights about my process later. Like Mystress having her surgery at the same time I was dealing with my issues towards western medicine. Similar but different. With my interest and focus towards their art it also grows in my life.

But when miracles, synchronicities and communication with DB really start happening, at some point fear comes up. Fear, that this is physical and someone is out consiously to get me, and it's not about ego death. Huge vanity, I know... Or then it flips into that I do not deserve all this, so this has to be somekind of trick to destroy me. I try to bring duality into non-duality? I know I've been writing about all this before but now there's new layer to be cleared. Few days ago when I crashed I even questioned is Mystress real, the question and fear that has came up also before, what is FST?   Later I again chose love over fear, but I had some interesting moments shivering in my bed, DB saying over and over again to me that there's nothing to fear. So I post this also to show that I choose love. Sounds weird, huh??

Last night in a dream some men told me twice that they see somekind of child trapped in my head, maybe it has something to do with all this. My asthma has also gone very bad now (after few good weeks thanks to Mystresses healing). It looks like I have drawn asthma karma back. I went to doctor about it and also because of some weird  chest pains I've been having. Doctor didn't find any infection in my lungs, and said I seem to have different kind of asthma than folks usually have. I've been without cigarettes for over a month now and asthma gets this bad... Doctor didn't give me any stronger meds because of no-infection diagnosis, so I have to take every few hours drug that opens my lung tubes and if it gets worse, go to hospital. I can go to check my heart if symptoms come back but it doesn't look like heart attack, maybe muscles or stomach related. My ex did some healing to me and he felt that my asthma has someting to do with the fear of being fully me, radiant and happy. A bit of a martyr complex. So his insights support what Mystress said to me in FST chat: How would it be like to live joyous and happy life... When energy starts to rise, I get all hyper and want to stay attached to my limiting beliefs and I can't breath.

So I'm asking for help to release this, because I might have wonderful times ahead, I could really enjoy Divine Romance with my DB. He uses these ways to communicate with me, and I find it so lovely. It's like He loves me through the whole world, using these talented artists as His messengers. He has said many times that He is not going to stop training me this way, so... There's some clearing to do! This is what I want, it's clear. Life where reality is fluid, miracles happen and I'm overflowing with love.

Other than this my life is going smoothly, steady flow of Shakti moving gently. I'm doing work practise with mostly muslim women and their kids who have moved here and for the first time I feel comfortable in a work place. They treat me nicely, and yesterday one woman said to me that you're always so joyous! Woahh!!! I do not really remember have I ever heard that kind of compliment before! I have faith again that I can work in this field in the future. That's cool. Thank you Goddess Kundalini Shakti!

[Mystress]

Damn, the computer ate what I was writing ...


  Sometimes things do go in phases I've noticed... its ego splinter week! You are the second one. 

Last night in a dream some men told me twice that they see somekind of child trapped in my head, maybe it has something to do with all this.


   First one was on K teacher guestbook:
Wanda wrote:
I don't know what's holding me back. I did ask for guidance, after the first dream, and the words "ego split" kept floating to my mind. I don't even know what that means... Some particle split away from the ego that needs to be reunited with it, enabling me to give the totality of myself, the whole me?

  Ego split. Yup that would do it. When there is one stubborn part of you that just won't jump the fence!

   There is a second identity, usually a child self or emotional aspect that has its heels dug in and they have free will too!  They are often quite deeply buried in the psyche. They don't want to come out because you are the one who put them there and they know you want to kill them off with your ambition for enlightenment.  Often they have some sort of dragon or monster at the gate and you have to make friends with it to get inside the ivory tower dungeon you stuck the splinter in.  The ego splinter has its own shadow self and he is all you get until you learn to love and accept him. Then there can be integration and wholeness. 

  Love works.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/visitors/index.php/topic,617.0.html



   Child in your head, so afraid to let go... identify it by its fear and make friends.

   First version was longer, but it got et. 


 

[Mari]

Heya!
This art I mentioned above... Yes, it was/is about love, but not romantic love as such. As it happens many times, I got it a bit wrong first. Maybe it's not encouraged to resurrect old topics, but this belongs to this. This post turned out long...

Early february I listened new songs from the band my Beloved is quite eager to use as his messenger, and got visions and ideas that were pushing me over the edge into paranoid insanity. Fortunately I was sane enough to log into SL, and cry for help from Mystress. She was very kind and spent 4 hours with me, clearing my twisted scary ideas about my DB. It turned out that what I thought was DB was actually part of my shadow. Shadow construct made to guard ego splinter in my head. Kinda weird, huh? I've been trained to love that shadow construct for the past 12 years... Well, my Divine Beloved has been there too, waving the carrot, but they got pretty mixed up in my mind. I think I had first scary visions 1996, when I felt something was sucking me down into the earth, through my bed and I was in horror sure I was going to die. All the critters I've seen during those years, and help I found back then was the teachers who actually led me deeper in to the hell of resistance. Yes, I'm again so happy I eventually let go of that and found non-duality teachings!

I've been having feelings of loneliness coming and going since last autumn. But after session with Mystress where I integrated a lot, loneliness has increased. I do not get the buzz out of activities I used to, and DB feels like a distant dream. Last time he, or shadow beloved, said hello to me was in the form of Mad Hatter. Ya know, Johnny Depp in the movie Alice in Wonderland. Johnny Depp has also the vibe of my DB. In the movie Alice chooses to go away from Wonderland, and Mad Hatter says that she is going to forget him... Depps Mad Hatter is like my shadow beloved turned out to be. It's amazing how detailed storyline my unconsciousness has created during the past decade or so, Alice experienced Wonderland first like nightmares, but she loved it in the end. After the movies I felt that a big cycle in my life has ended. I'm crushed, although I'm aware that I've been asking for it. I have very busy active life right now, but the second I'm alone I face loneliness. I crave for physical mate which I really haven't done like this for years. I know craving physical mate mirrors my inner yearning, and it's not cured for long if I get a lover. It's like God has abandoned me. Although it still doesn't feel so bad like ”Dark night of the soul” that Mystress describes in her K-teacher site, maybe. But I'm definitely falling deeper in to this.

What I am happy to find out though that I can handle empathy better. I've been leading groups and being part of intense group work all spring because of my studies, and I've been handling it quite well. Yay for that! I'm releasing my old programmings about how I'm always rejected from communities. I see how it comes from my pessimistic negative beliefs and perceptions and I'm blessed with a new friend who has mirrored all my sticky karma how folks always hate me and I'm never going to be part of groups back at me during this school year. She's been very stubborn, like me, in her beliefs. I'm so grateful for her, I would not have seen all this in me without her complaining to me how folks suck pretty much every schoolday since last autumn. It's been actually fun, and now I've been leading groups through teachings of positive thinking, finding your positive qualities, seeing yourself in the positive light. We are now at the school studying community work, how we need each other. Interconnectedness of all this makes me happy. Releasing old crap doesn't always have to be so painful. Nice!

But what to do with loneliness? Surrender helps, but it comes back all the time. I'm eager to join all kind of activities in my free time aswell, partly trying to hide this feeling. I have found yoga group and drumming circle, I've gone in to local pagan meetings. I'm having thoughts like what happens to me if I'm going to be this lonely for the rest of my life. These thoughts didn't come up when I was blissing out during past years. I'm also thinking do I have Shakti flowing through me on my own or have I just been sucking up Mystresses Shakti?  Or somebody elses? Yep, it's also spring and I'm not having menopause yet, so that might also be one of the reasons for my sudden loneliness. But I do not feel so horny, I feel lonely.

In the session with Mystress I also mentioned nightmare I used to see over and over again as a small child. There I was walking in a very bright sunlight on a sand road. I looked at my feet and saw canvas shoes and skinny legs. The road went straight to mill that sucked me in and I couldn't do anything, falling down, down. Fear of death and destruction woke me up every time. Fear of being grinded in that mill. Dream has been in my mind lately. It looks like I saw myself as my Beloved. My Beloved was carrying me to that mill to be destroyed completely, to be grinded in to nothingness. It took me all these years to figure out the meaning of those legs and shoes in my dream. It was the Beloved, how I've seen him all along. In a way all these myths and memories from my past help me right now to hang on, trusting that all is taken care of. I was supposed to awake, but for some reason it was going to be very scary.  So now as I write this, it all goes back to my initial experience of being sucked down in to the earth, when I fought for ”my” life, because I knew I would die if I let myself fall. In to the Void? Ah yes, these self created myths give me some comfort in this loneliness. I liked being utterly crazy, talking and laughing to myself being so loved and in love. I do not know what to do, probably just try to survive this phase? Have faith that this too shall pass. I was probably going way too far in to La La Land, so this grounding and being active in the earthly life is probably extremely healthy. But so damn lonely.

Balcony scene from the Alice in Wonderland, my Beloved showered me with love when it came:
Hatter: Have you any idea why a Raven is like a writing desk?
Alice: Let me think about it.
Hatter: You know what tomorrow is, don't you?
Alice:...Frabjous day, how could I forget. I wish I'd wake up.
Hatter: Still believe this is a dream, do you?
Alice: Of course. This has all come from my own mind.
Hatter: ...which would mean that I'm not...real.
Alice: Afraid so. You're just a figment of my imagination. I would dream up someone who's half mad.
Hatter: Yes, yes...uh, but you would have to be half mad to dream me up!
Alice: I must be then......I'll miss you when I wake up.

For christians this is the day of resurrection. I wish to be resurrected from my loneliness too.
Happy easter!

[Jackman]

A friend of mine had a dream where I was a polar bear walking somewhere in the Arctic.  There is no one else, only me, glaciers and endless snow. I am Completely alone. And this is how it has always been even when surrounded by people. I am and will be alone. And my aloneness helps me to connect to people since I know this is the same for everyone and the plays and acts that stem in our lives originate from it.

Osho Zen Tarot deck used to help when feeling the worst. Especially the card Aloneness. I remember just the starting sentence which went: Loneliness is negative, an absence; Aloneness is positive, a presence. Found the below links regarding it, maybe they help.
http://www.oshoteachings.com/2009/06/osho-loneliness-is-negative-an-absence-aloneness-is-positive-a-presence/
http://www.messagefrommasters.com/Spiritual_Quotes/Osho/osho_aloneness_quotes1.htm

I remember one K-list post by either Hillary or Mystress about Mystics and Monks. Couldn't find the original post but the essence was that kundalites are usually either monks or mystics. Mystics seem to have ecstatic experiences, experiencing both the highs and lows more intensely while the monks seem to stroll on with less swings to either direction and in constant motion. The catch is that the mystics often are often a bit jealous on the stableness of the monks and of course the monks often envy a bit those magical experiences mystics seem to have.

My DB is still somewhere in the background but I guess she is going to come out finally with the constant stroll. One monk who sometimes wishes for those highs and lows...

On one level we are always alone and on another we are never alone. Embracing both of them.

-J-

[Mari]

Eh, again my writing got quite long, although I edited it a lot!

Hi Jackman!

Nice dream! Your insights about aloneness are very cool. I have not thought about it like that before, that my aloneness could be a way to connect with others. I don't really *get* it yet, maybe insights hit me at some point. Good links too. They already helped me through one loneliness moment. I know Osho deck, friends have it. I've been using my mothers deck a lot.

Thank you for the big compliment I was quite embarrassed about being called a mystic first. I do not feel like I am one. But if mystic is K awakened who has mental problems here and there then it fits, lol! Your statement made me contemplate for a while my shadow need of wanting to be recognized as an awakened one. Many times I've fallen in to a trap of wanting to be noticed in that way, only to be rejected. My parents and couple of friends believe me, but the rest... Yes, it's so much better to be humble and keep my mouth shut! Sometimes quite hard for me when I talk with spiritual folks. It's really not useful to talk about my experiences and bliss because they think I lie or something, anyway talking about it changes things and usually not in a nice way. Here I let the monster out! Writing to K-list does not feel so comfortable either. It has so many members.

The monk sounds like a person who can live a good life, having a nice job and all that while being deeply connected to the Divine consciously. Its' been a long road for me, and I do see glimpses of that for me too in the horizon.

I do not know if it's even meant to be that all of us experience the DB in a same way. I have a hunch that you do feel Her, but you compare your experience too much on other students writings? S(he) is so much us that separating that is sometimes difficult. K that runs through you is Her. Mystress has wrote good posts about that here. I had a vision at Ostara ritual. A mirror was set up in front of me. I saw myself as my Beloved and I felt it was just me. I was looking at the mirror, trying to figure out what and who He is. It was me, there was no separation, no love to share between lovers. I need others to mirror myself back at me, but what I see is me, Beloved, my Self. I am That. In a way a bit boring because I've been very attached to having a relationship with Him. But things move on, and it's a good thing even it's hard to let go of that romance. Although it's in the end not going anywhere. My childhood nightmare was the same, I am my Beloved, He leads, there is no free will and there hasn't ever been. Oh I'm ecstatic again! I should be doing my project work but this is sooo much more interesting! By the way, when I was writing about that old nightmare, He told me afterwards that it's like sex on legs, LOL LOL! It was fun, you know what they say about all the men my DB uses? Sex on legs. Hilarious vision because in that dream I saw his legs but not myself. He is so charming... So you do have thoughts, guidance, feelings sensations in your body, music in your head? It's about focusing on them, making a connection, striking a conversation and then believing it. Years of single minded focus, bhakti yoga, has made my connection quite clear, although I doubt it regularly and up in to the light He goes just to come back. You can ask to be given an icon, image you can pour your devotion. Goddesses are safe choices regarding magical ethics, and not a mixture of famous actor and musician like in my case. But famous icon can be also a lot of fun if you are clear about what it is, because their art and interviews can give nice gifts to you. Like an ongoing conversation between you and your Beloved. But as Mystress has wrote in dominatrix site, it does not matter to whom you surrender in the end, it can be an ant or a goddess or whatever. I melt in to the earth and the trees, and get sacredness and pleasure out of it. I think it's much about do we pay attention, do we notice all the cute things that come to us all the time.

But as I said, your experience might be different than mine. What I do believe is that we have to be a bit ”crazy” to do this. Like bhakti yogis say too, if I remember right. Ready to open ourselves up. This Temple is also a safe way to be crazy and surrender in to the Goddesses arms.

Thanks for your kind words and support! Hmm, yeah, I'm a bit jealous to a monk, heh. But I would not change my life and I'm maybe getting more in to stableness. Monk and Mystic united in me and my life. Ecstatically magical miraculous stable safe life. Sounds great!

[Mari]

But as Mystress has wrote in dominatrix site, it does not matter to whom you surrender in the end, it can be an ant or a goddess or whatever. I melt in to the earth and the trees, and get sacredness and pleasure out of it. I think it's much about do we pay attention, do we notice all the cute things that come to us all the time.

I wrote that in the post above. I was reading this post again, and realised that ah oh huh...! My home has been new home for very small ants at least a month, lol! First there were only few courageous explorer, but then they found their way in to my kitchen too  I tried to surrender ants to Goddess, I guess I surrender to them now, heh. Already gave them loads of love and adoration a minute ago. Lets see do they wander outside after this