Life Purpose.

[Blossom]

Do we actually have life-purpose beyond what is ego-contructed?

The other night I was watching a program about a guy who was very flowy and did not stick to one career. When his daughter was 3-4, he was watching her sleep. A voice, his voice, said clearly in his head that 'there are kids in Southern Asia that are being abused and sold' - or something along those lines. He ended up going across to one of those southern asian countries, and now works at helping rescuing kids that are sold into the sex-trade. They also work toward helping communities establish themselves, so that the community can support themselves.

This is a concept I always struggle with, as I don't feel particularly drawn to doing anything. Or maybe I am just not listening to my guidance because I feel on an ego-level it's something I cannot do, e.g. Environmental Science. I've always had the belief that I suck at maths and chemistry.But I love the environment and natural things. I had experiences at school where I had teachers yell at me for not understanding the work. My chemistry teacher in senior year took me out of class and yelled at me for making her look bad as a teacher because I was the 'worst' student she had had. So okay, I still admit I have some karmic-issues there and still feel yuck about those experiences.I also have some bad self-regulation when it comes to study. Anyway, thesedays I feel like the time has passed to do anything along those lines, and it leads to a feeling of despair and pointlessness.

But then again, I do question if it is actually something that I'd enjoy doing, or if I'd get bored with it sooner or later and move on to something else. I seem to oscillate a lot. I guess I can't accept the fact that I don't have any "clear-direction". I don't really know what I expect or what I expect the universe to 'give' me.

I guess a bit of despair comes up these days because I am frustrated with the shifts in my head and I can't do anything about it, and it doesn't want to hurry up and finish. Sometimes I feel like I should just bash my head againt the wall in the hope of breaking my head, so that'd it just open and I might find relief - or a bigger headache (sounds dramatic, but that's just how I feel and I am not going to lie about it). It's been persisting for 2 years and does affect my thinking. I am trying to finish my Masters, but I find it hard to concentrate on the material because my mind slows down and fogs up, and I feel the energy build up around my head. The last few days it feels like I have had a headache, but the headache isn't in my brain it's in my skull. I also have had a very uncormforable and itchy sensation move down my throat (it was energetic).

Part of the despair I feel is what am I supposed to do.. I can't exactly sit still and look pretty and do nothing. The world doesn't wait and I can't waste any more time doing nothing. I guess that's when I start to really push and fight against all this because it is never-ending. I guess I'm also fed up at nothing wanting to work and the feeling of being stuck in a rut.

... okay I'm off to punch a pillow.

[Blossom]

well, I eat my own words, I think. Despite despairing and not be able to focus and concentrate for more than 20minutes or so at a time, and being a procrastinator (big-time), and having all that crap occurring in my skull and head... I got my uni results back and did reasonably well. I just missed out on getting a high-distinction *faints* 
I set myself up for stress and overload, I think.

[Blossom]

hmm, I guess all of the above is just a mental-illusion *sighs*

[Mystress]

Blossom wrote:

Do we actually have life-purpose beyond what is ego-contructed?

  Yes and no. Depends on how you look at it, what level or phase of life.

  According to NDE studies, after you die you get a life review and then are asked "How well did you love?" and you decide for yourself, based on the life review giving you total empathy with everyone your lifetime touched in some way. So, the purpose of life, is loving.

  On a higher level, all of life is illusion happening and ultimate reality is outside of time and space, so what you do doesn't matter.  Another way to look at it is experiences: Goddess experiences being you, and She doesn't judge your experiences, you do.

  I believe we do choose some things we want to experience when we come in, and that because duality contains laws of energy not being created or destroyed, I think we all come in with some kind of gift to give the world, and some experiences we want to have, and our soul chooses parents and DNA to enhance our abilities and interest in doing those things.  Whether we actually do them or not, is irrelevant except to our relative enjoyment of life.

  There is a very cool book called "Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher. I read it ages ago and it was wonderful for me.  It is like a super powered employment counsellor, it helps you to get to know yourself in a different way so you can discover where your passion lies and how to make it into a career.  She has a website now http://www.wishcraft.com/

  I think the important thing, is to never be too certain of your purpose... follow your bliss but keep a big fat MAYBE in front of your ideas about your purpose so that ego doesn't get ahold of it and make a mess of attachments.

   Blessings...

   

[Blossom]

Hey!

Thanks Mystress.I've checked the link out and have read the first four chapters. I think what really stood out for me was looking at interests you had as a child, and also the reminder about not having to stop and fix yourself before you can move forward. I have a tendency to do that, I try to fix, heal and solve everything first.

Right, that makes sense.
I would like to think most people would rather pursue things they enjoy.

I'm feeling a lot better today. My headache increased a fair bit on Saturday (above the ears). It has now subsided and gone away. I just let go of resistance with that. I seem to be moving through some father-karma at the moment.


Cheers!

[Blossom]

I have been doing grounding exercises a fair bit the last couple of days and do feel my feet tingle (to let me know that I am grounded)..but why do i still feel fear around my gut, and why does my body still like it's in flight mode? 

[Mystress]

  You cannot be grounded and afraid at the same time. Probably what you are feeling around your gut is something physical, like a stromach ulcer which you are interpreting as fear. Go see a Doctor.

[Blossom]

Thanks Mystress. I'll book in to see the GP sometime this week. I know there is something up with my intestine, as I have trouble digesting food if I eat too much raw. So perhaps I need to see someone about food allergies, as well as the issue that you mentioned.

A part of me knows that the above isn't the only issue with why I feel fear when grounded. I know you say you shouldn't feel fear when grounded, but grounding does stir-up my anxiety. A part of me knows that it ties in with my lack of wanting to be here in the physical, as I feel there is nothing for me to do. But then I have to ask myself why I want a reason for being here, and why can't I accept that it just is. I should also ask myself where I'd like to be if not here (I draw a blank with that one, just an empty feeling).

I also know that I don't feel comfortable in my body because I feel that I don't fit in, and I feel that it might be better to just drop-out. I also feel that I am not good or strong enough to cope with being here, and that I do find it hard to relate to others. I guess that despair has led to me feeling suicidal in the past. Because I haven't known what to do with myself.

Lately I keep getting images of my father in my mind. He passed away when I was 10, and I can never understand why he keeps appearing. I guess he wasn't the best masculine model that I could have (Divine Beloved would be?)

I spoke to my mother about my father after he popped into my mind two weeks ago. My mother went on to describe how my father was. I have some idea of what he did and what he was like, but because of age my memory is fragmented. My mother also kept most of it to herself. I prodded her, and she spoke to me about it. I am not writing all of it, just some.

My father was quite out of touch. For example, his friend, who was also very shady, no longer wanted to have anything to do with him, and threatened to shoot my father if he bothered him again.

My father took my sister away from my mother when she was only a few months old. The police/detectives found him and my sister, but she was a bit grey and malnourished as they (father and his older lady friend) had been giving her orange juice as well as milk. When I was in hospital (with mum) for an operation to get my tonsils removed, my father spent money meant for food for my sister on alchohol and left her in the care of a neighbour (an old man) while he went out and had fun.

Dad was in and out of gaol many times. I recall two, but he was gaoled/jailed at least 4-5 times. First time was for driving without a seatbealt whilst under the influence of alcohol. The second was because he broke the AVO mum had against him. He broke down the door and harassed us. Mum had had an AVO/seperation out against ever since my sister was small. He hit my mother once because she caught him out on the street with another women, in anger he hit my mum for seeing. A police saw it, from across the road, and arrested him.

My mother stopped trying to push him away, and just put up with his crap because she'd always be the one that had to look after him when he came out of gaol/jail, and he was persistent regardless of AVO's or whatnot.

Dad had many other women over the years (behind our backs). He had a thing with a 16 year-old when I was one and he was 26. Mum is 8 years older than dad. That girls parents ended up sending her to Italy to get her away from dad. He was a real womanizer. I don't know if I have any half-brothers or sisters apart from my half sister from my dad's first marriage.

Dad was terrible with money, he pawned things from home. So mum had to hide everything. He borrowed from many people, including my mother's long term friend, who was a b*tch behind mum's back. She knew what my father was doing, but only told mum after his death. I guess because he was giving her and her son my mother's money, so she didnt want that stopped. He occassionaly stayed over at their place because he was too drunk or whatever else to come home.

He gave away my mum's things to his friends, and also allowed them to borrow and trash my mum's car (+ drive through redlights). Without my mum's permission of course, so she reported it stolen. I remember cleaning that thing out with dad when it was returned, courtesy of the police. I remember finding a bagful of syringes, not knowing the dangers of touching such a thing. Well, I knew not to prick myself but not because anyone told me not to (I was . I tossed the bag in the garbage bin. These friends were notorius and were responsible for robbing a few banks, which was featured on the news.

Dad was a bouncer for a brothel in the area. So he knew the local prostitutes and what society deems as trash. I was quite suprised to learn after a fight with the neighbours kids (was 11) that they knew how my father died. We never told anyone how he died, how he overdosed on heroine. They heard it in a conversation their parents had with someone else.

I know I have intimacy and trust issues with those of the opposite gender. I recoil if anyone even so much as flirts with me. I guess trust issues would also tie in with constantly being bullied at school.

I also don't know if the father that visits is my father, or if it's really just my divine beloved taking on that form.

xx

[Mari]

Hi!

One of my motivations, which Goddess used to lure me into practising meditation and everything related was my need to find my purpose, career that I love.

Ha ha haa.... Well, it's been "everything but the career" so far  In the beginning when I didn't understand demands of being a spiritual teacher it looked like free, glamorous, fun, what ever option. May I laugh? Or healer, great one? Oh... Everyhting has crumbled down so far. Thank Goddess Mystress ate those needs when they again emerged up from my ego some time ago. No scientist career, now these new studies in social field are in serious danger, no alternative spiritual whatever career. What I have learned instead is how f*cked up I am, how super sensitive which I really didn't understand before. I've got confirmations through studying my astrology lately. My DB has been telling me about my sensitivity for a long time now, but I didn't really believe him. To start with sun in cancer, neptune retrogade in my first house. I didn't see that I've been trash can all my life. Sigmund said about it in my Tummo initiation, but then I was just yeah... But if I believe my natal chart (which I try not, too much) my rising sign is scorpio, and folks see me like that. So it f*cks me up even more. Folks just do not see my vulnerability.

Blossom, your father sounds something! I feel compassion... It hasn't been easy for you! My father was just small time criminal, without normal borders, full of rage fear hatred to survive wonderfully in the streets, full blown narcissist, K awakened probably because traumatic childhood in the orphanage in the 1950's-60's. But he didn't use alcohol or drugs and he wasn't physically violent (towards his family I mean). He had money because he wanted that more than anything, so we had food, big house, horses etc. My father has forged and molded my identity without hesitation "for my own good". Now when that identity has been pretty much fallen down, cracks in my cancerian protective shell, I'm quite lost. I do not have identity, I don't have talents, gifts. I'm just a dreamer who accepts identites from outiside. I do not know have I ever done much anything that I truly love to do.

The other night I saw probably one the most beautiful  dream ever about my DB. He pampered me a lot, bought red and black crystal yoni eggs which I wanted, to me. In the end he organized a spectacle in the sky just for me where two heart-shaped pagan symbols started merging with each other, in the end I saw small ice hearts merging and melting down my heart exploding. That beauty still makes me cry. After the dream yesterday I was crying a lot because I felt so grateful and blessed, what happened felt like something I've been waiting for a long, long time. Something that nourished me so deep, in a way that I really loved. After that I was guided to watch from Youtube Emilie Autumns music. Jeez, that changed my mood a bit. I was awestruck about her beauty, courage, style. Enormous versatile powerful beautiful voice, unique style. And again I cried. This time about my lost life, how I have never been able to do what I want in a way that could satisfy me deeply. I wanted to sing, I wanted to be creative in my life. I wanted to dress bohemian. Instead, well, you can guess. I'm turning 36 next friday. It's a bit too late to start playing victorian gothic artistic weird girl. I have my responsibilities. I can change my life towards more witchy style, which I have done. I've been hearing in my head for years that I'm a witch. I try to fulfill that need in small ways in my life, occasional rituals, some herbs growing etc. Now I'm supposed to go to local pagan meetings which scares me a lot because I'm so used to be rejected.

I feel deep sadness about my lost opportunities, my lack of courage, my inner critic, my enormous control and perfectionism, chronic lack of inspiration, laziness that stops me from doing most of the stuf I could. And the fact that I wasn't raised in a environment that would have really nourished my creativity. Most of us haven't had that luxury, I know... Outer icons that my DB uses to mirror myself back at me are all talented musicians, singers, wild, creative, exhibitionist, courageous, overflowing sexuality and heart, mystical sensitive dark poets with wild rebellious youth and they have matured beautifully. I don't really see myself in them. Only in my daydreams maybe, these men have been doing what I've been daydreaming since a child. Lately Aphrodite has contacted me in my dreams and waking life, and I see that she has been my ruling archetype with Persephone since a small child. But Aphrodite in me is quite scarred... At least has been. Yeah, I was so Aphrodite in my youth, but when I look at those times it wasn't nice at all... So I've surrendered to see what Aphrodite wants,  integrating and healing Aphrodite archetype in me? I've tried to look other than Greek pantheon but it seems that my path goes with them. For now at least.

I've been doing Wishcraft excercises too. What I get is that I should live in a temple or something... Aphrodites priestess? Maybe someday I understand more how to integrate all this into my normal life.

So, finding purpose in life hasn't been easy for me too. Blossom, you're very young, so maybe you find your way easier than I have? At least you're in a way more open minded spiritual environment than I was at your age. Maybe that helps you a lot too, to drop all judgements and repressions so you can see what you truly want

Mari

[tam]

I certainly get what has been written in this thread.  For me, when I try to find the purpose or meaning in my life...I get lost...When it is possible for me to stay in the moment...the purpose is there for me to see.  It is usually nothing that I have imagined or planned.  It just shows up and when I can stay in that place...the moment...its as if I am on an effortless path that guides me to places that fit just fine.  The moment I jump off and start looking for different or more, I usually create something that my ego thinks is best but truly does not fit and what was effortless, turns into pain and confusion.   Always  Tammy

[Mari]

I had a date last night, with David Bowie Or was it with Mystress
Idea of the dates were that he let me choose whatever I wanted accepting supporting my choices. Giving the message that my choices, what I see beautiful and useful for me is perfect. He didn't say "you need this, not that" or "no no that's not good or pretty, take this instead". I've been crying a lot during the past days. My heart feels fiery good, and bittersweet tears were running right after I woke up, and probably crying is going to continue.
Thank You!

[Blossom]

Thanks for sharing you two, it's always lovely to hear others experiences.  I don't have much to add to that.

Yea, Dad is a very interesting character. On the one hand he was brilliant and smart and took care of us. He cooked, took us to sport, spent time with us outdoors, and was compassionate. But on the other hand, he did all that nasty stuff. I see a lot of myself in both my parents. I can see my obsessive tendencies that I get from both parents.

The reason why I'm not sure if the person who visits is my dad or my DB is because when I first started to awaken, I also opened up to spirit. I do recall times where I saw shadows and other things when growing up. I also recall an entity that would sit on the end of my bed and watch over me while I slept at night. But, that has closed down as I've turned more inwards.

I do still feel guides and such around me, but if I try to ask them something they just point me inward. I also don't really tune in to them because there was a point where I was becoming a bit paranoid with entities, and fearing whether I could trust them or not. I've done countless clearings and asked my Guardian Angels to take them into the light and such... I was also becoming a bit frustrated with the simplistic messages I was receiving e.g. Listen, Trust, Let-go, Just be... Live.

Happy Birthday for this coming Friday Mari.

[Blossom]

sorry, forgot to say that when I went through an awakening process the connection to spirit expanded. I did have experiences as a child e.g. seeing a dark large shadow in the doorway in the middle of the night, and also one that moved across the walls. I was always spooked as a child, and also had many a nightmare.
Communication with spirit opened up after the awakening, before that I could only really sense their presence at times, but not communicate.

[Blossom]

Okay, I have no Ulcers. That's good.

My anxiety aggravated again the other day, the fear had to with incompetency and feeling that way. I think that's the main cause of the terror in my gut because it does leave me feeling that I have nowhere left to go. But have surrendered that over to Goddess/Source.

I have an appointment on Monday to see a Structural massage therapist. I'm looking forward to that. I really am resisting any urge to get 'energetic' healing. I don't need more energy, but I do need to work on the physical e.g. yoga, massage, etc.

[Mystress]

CALCIUM

Calcium, calcium, calcium and minerals to make it usable.

  Calcium is for anxiety, not just for your bones. It prevents panic attacks.  Its a nerve regulator and most people dont get enough, especially if you drink coffee or have a high protien diet. Calcium is essentail for digesting meat. If you get anxious your blood turns more alkaline and loses its calcium. Vicious cycle. Take lots and get balanced.


        Blessings...

[tam]

Great advice...you gave it to me months back..have not had a panic attack since! In fact...going to take my daily dose now..Thanks..Tammy

[Blossom]

Well, I ended up getting my structural massage today (2.5 hrs long). It was killer-painful. I'm still feeling a bit of it now, as things move and release.

The therapist cleared out my lymphatic system (that was torture) and corrected the nervous system. There is a place at the top of my neck that always bothered me and I always wanted to crack it. It turns out that it wasn't in place properly and that affected the energy flow from my brain to the rest of my body - all caused by a fall I had when I was 2+. This inbalance also contributed to my thyroid and other things being out of whack, kinda like a chain reaction. The nerves in my neck were blocked and compressed at the top. I guess it explain my complaints about brain-fog.

The therapist really got into my meridians (+ chakras), nervous system, emotional system, thyroid, and adrenals - all painful. It was all toxin build-up, crystalisation and calcification in my muscles and nerves and what-not that was causing the pain as things released. He pointed out a digestive problem I've been having, but am in the process of getting healed/sorted. I seemed to have things wrong with my gall and liver, areas where I feel that 'anxiety'. I went to the health food store end of last week and bought some digestive support because I guess I intuitively knew that was a problem area.

I just need to give my system a rest as things physically reset. I also need to cut out soy (something my body has been telling me, but have been ignoring). This has been having an affect on my thyroid.

[Mystress]

hmmm where do I find a structural massage therapist?    I got a lymphatic drainage massage once. My sweat smelled like chinese food deep fry grease for days after!

Its really a kind of relief when emotional stuff turns out to be based in physical, isn't it?

Soy is full of estrogen, and Kundalini also promotes estrogen so.. its too much. Some pesticides mimic estrogen too.

  If you are not at the diet lesson yet... another version of it is on K teacher.
http://kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/stomach.php

[Blossom]

I heard of this one through word of mouth, but I am sure you could find one through a massage therapy page or through google.

I had to take off work the following day. I couldn't move without having cramps right down the front of my body (something my body did itself 2mths back). I also broke out into shakes and had a fever during the night (very sweaty). Most of the cramps have cleared out now, but I still have some around the sacral and pelvis, so trying to do stretches to release that and get it moving, and out. I must say that I am more aware of the energy in my body now. I feel the movement more strongly.

Yea, it is interesting that it links back to the physical. Or that because it is so chronic it becomes physical.

Nope, not up to diet yet. But will have a look at it. ty