question (re brain-fog/spaciness)

[Blossom]

Hey all,

Just offloading(?)

I seem to be stuck in pointlessness (a why bother at all?), and can't seem to get my emotions to grasp that there is this "nothingness". My head understands it, but my feeling/body is not at the same place. There is a void here, and I can't accept it and I can't seem to surrender into it. This has in-turn caused me to slump back into my depression/anxiety, or maybe I never left it? does this sound vague? I don't know if this is a prolonged dark night of the soul, as i feel like I want to fade into nothingness or if its just ego issues.

I guess with all these feelings my brain has fogged up more and slowed down, and it just feels like I can't allow it to happen, and I do my best to struggle against it (stay on top of it)..as I feel like i need my head to function, and I have too many things that i need to do! but that doesn't help, as my thinking has progressively gotten worse and I do sleep more than 10hrs a day these days. And I do still forget things, and my mind does seems slower and more scattered...

any ideas on what I might be doing to myself?

Cheers!

[Mystress]

  Hello Blossom:

    Your subject header says it is a question and your post says "Just off loading" so I am not sure if you want a response or not? Feels like you do, so here you go.

  People tend to really underestimate the degree to which your brain and consciousness gets re-wired through the Kundalini process.  Not surprisingly, some parts of it sort of go off-line while that is happening. Particularly during the shift from logical-rational to creative-intuitive. 

  Ego likes a possessive state: "My brain, my body, my hand, my thoughts, my feelings" expecting to be able to steer and drive it all like a car. Its an illusion, I cannot really control my thoughts, nobody can. My body does unexpected things, emotions are spontaneous not premeditated. When Kundalini is rewiring your mind and you lose the illusion of control, it can be frightening at first... trying to regain control makes it worse because of the feeling of helplessness when it fails.

  It is a pretty major shift, from the illusion of being able to think for yourself, to the new habit of asking for information: but the asking is so much more effective and powerful because your logical thinking mind is so very limited and the infinite part knows everything, more than the logical ever *could* know. 

  Experiement with saying "I don't know."  When I do it, the infinite mind responds with a download of information and insights. Sometimes I smile at myself with some chagrin, because what I meant was, "I really don't want to know" but its too late, I have got the download.

  I cannot think for myself anymore, and honestly why would I try when simply asking for information tells me more than my rational mind ever could know, for itself. I don't make decisions, I ask for guidance. I feel discernment.  My rational brain is a stupid thing, my infinite mind full of wisdom, beauty and wonder.

  So, accept the fog as a temporary side effect of Kundalini renovations. Imagine hanging a sign on your forhead like they do in shopping malls. "We are rebuilding, improving the space for you. Sorry for the inconvenience."

  You wrote:
i need my head to function, and I have too many things that i need to do!

   That is your struggle: you are not the doer. Ask Goddess to please make sure the really important stuff gets done, and surrender it. Trust that you will know what you need to know, when you need to know it because Goddess Provides, then relax and enjoy a little vacation from thinking. 

  The fog will fade when the renovations are done, and you will have a shiny new mind capable of new kinds of clarity you cannot even imagine at this point. Then you will be able to look back and realize how clumsy and innefective the mind really was before the renovations!

   Blessings...

[Blossom]

Thanks Mystress! I appreciate your comments. Will think about it more tonight in meditation.

[Blossom]

I'll keep this in this thread

I feel like I have a lot of internal anger. I'm normally peaceful/pleasant most of the time, but if something or someone approaches me the wrong way - snap!
I don't lash out at them, but I still feel outraged and my reflexive response is to try and control the feelings and pack it back in its box. Depression is anger turned inwards?
I know that's not a good thing, but what healthy way is there to express anger without dumping it back on myself?

[Blossom]

hmm, well the thought that comes to mind is yelling at source (as an outlet), but then I feel kinda silly/bashful doing that. I don't see why that is, but I do.

[Mystress]

I know that's not a good thing, but what healthy way is there to express anger without dumping it back on myself?

  Get a card board box, kick it to pieces. Beat up your bed with a plastic baseball bat. Yoga balls are good to kick around too... outside somewhere.

   Blessings...

[Blossom]

Ta.. will give that ago 

I'm having fun looking through 'search' in the forums. There are so many questions I've had that I'm finding others have already posed. awesome.

[Mari]

Yeah, "search" is cool! My only issue with the archives is that I dive deeply there and get lost, hours or even days sometimes. K-list archives included. It's so fun fun for me, I love reading and studying if I'm inspired. So sometimes I spend a bit too much time here, and forget I could do something else too. It's not a big problem these days, but couple of years ago I had to limit my time here because my process was quite intense. Too much shaktipat...

I also often use this Temple to talk with the Goddess. Yesterday I wrote over 6 hours working with long long essay releasing my narcissist father karma, getting loads of insights, my DB lovingly helping me. It was a good session 

[Blossom]

ah, I get carried away too sometimes. 
It sounds like it was a good session.

----

Right now I am feeling quite empty - no emotions, just a feeling space within me.
I was on the bus this morning, on my way to work, just being and found that my mind kept trying to get me to feel this or that..I guess it was because my ego feels that this empty state is unnatural and is trying to fill it with something, anything (thoughts, feelings, emotions). I guess the fear of dissolving into nothingness also came up - that was quite interesting to experience.

[Blossom]

hmm, I am trying not to get absorbed in sensations as they arise (starting to feel really tired/drained this afternoon), so have decided to do something pleasurable instead, when I get home. Sometimes I think I get too much all at once, but whatever. I'm thinking of having a nice bath, a nice hot cocoa and snuggling up to a book and will book a nice massage session for tomorrow.

[Blossom]

ask and you shall receive 
I asked Goddess to help me slow down a bit, and I ended up catching the Flu on Friday and was sick in bed/home throughout the weekend. That's one way to slow down I guess.