Persistent karmic stuff, tension and fear of perpetrators

[Vyana]

Sorry for overloading this board with my problems!

I have got a continuous problem with karmic stuff which is surrendered, goes away and then reappears again, time after time. Actually, it is as if I am walking into a wall. I can trace this feeling back at least to the late 1980ies. Then I was meditating with transcendental meditation TM twice a day, but I had a feeling that I did not get anywhere in my spiritual development. Ever since I started practice TM back in 1973, I had although been very successful in my studies and work. Before I knew it I got my PhD and then suddenly I held a chair at a famous university many years before I had expected to. Then I got so much extra work that I stopped meditating %ndash and it was as if my career fell dead. Everything started to go wrong. It was as if I met the same wall at the physical level. And now it was much worse. People in charge at my workplace turned extremely jealous, hostile and mean; lying, cheating and back-stabbing.

Then I persistently for several years tried a lot of different approaches to get out of that situation. But all my attempts fell dead. E.g. instead of making money I lost considerable amounts. Then I turned back inwards. But I felt I had to find some more effective method than TM. In 2002, I started practice the kundalini yoga methods which were designed to awake my kundalini. But as it was already awake, it was overly triggered instead and I had a severe stress break-down. This made me stop trying to get out of my pit and forced me to realise how extremely difficult my situation was. This realization almost killed me. In the years before, the thoughts of my kids was on several occasions the only thing that kept me from suicide. But now, I was almost killed by stress from inside instead. However, I got through it, the intense energy movements calmed down and my heart chakra started to open. Eventually I found this course and my life started to get more harmonious again. Today I feel better than I have done since I was a kid. But somehow, the wall is still there. I am living in bliss for weeks, and then something happens at work etc and I am back in my hypervigilant state again.

I. Now, three weeks ago, and a few days after a session with Mystress, there was coming up some stuff related to attitudes of (mostly) older boys to me (and probably other younger boys) when I started school and later on. Whatever I did or did not do, they attacked me with phrases as: "What the hell are you doing?" "What the devil are you up to now?" etc. Already the language %ndash and of course the whole hostile attitude %ndash contrasted sharply against the comparatively idyllic life I had had until then. This made me tense in my body as well as psychologically. And this, I have carried in my body and mind since then.

Now, if I was to relate this stuff to the "ugly mirror", I was to think that these boys were reflections of me and that I should assume responsibility for what they did. That might be true, and I might have to deal with that later. But at least for now, there are other insights in this for me, which are to the contrary. I can intellectually understand that these kids (or at least the kids setting the scene) came from far from idyllic environments and that they were acting out their personal dramas. They repeated the harsh words their
fathers (or mothers or brothers or playmates) had said to them to force them to get scared and tough instead of embracing life with the natural trust of a child. I can also sense they turned to me (and not somebody else) because they sensed that I still had what they had lost.

Somehow, I sensed that already then, although I did not understand it, so I did (automatically and without thinking about it) kind of assumed responsibility for what happened. And since then I have been kind of programmed to attract blame, although only in similar environments dominated by fear. Therefore, I don't think accepting responsibility was such a good idea then, and I don't think I need more of that right now either. It might be true that I assumed responsibility in a wrong way and that I have to go back to assume responsibility the right way and then forgive myself.

How I (spontaneously and without thinking about it) perceived these boys at that time is also rather interesting. Intellectually I maybe only thought "There most be something wrong with me, or they would not treat me like that". And of course such an understanding can be justified. My mother was originally from another place and did not speak the local dialect, and I suppose I adopted some of her way of speaking. Thus I differed. But so did quite a few other kids and I think there was more to it than that.

However, what I actually perceived was that these were (mostly) rather nice and kind kids %ndash and if I was alone with any of them they would most often treat me well to %ndash that were often kind of taken over (possessed) by some evil entity (when acting as a group they could turn into a crazy mob). I felt as if I wanted to ask: "It is not you in there any more. Who is this?"

When digging even deeper, I feel there is a lot more to come up, such as being severally physically abused. And I mean severally. The treatment I went through was very far from normal behaviour among boys and girls. It was certainly not normal school yard fighting %ndash it was severe criminal abuse. It was also extremely painful %ndash so painful, I am still terrified to deal with it and to get all that physical pain up once more. I suppose this is the reason why my karmic issues appear to be so difficult to release. I am not afraid to deal with suppressed feelings. I have done that a lot. But when it comes to physical pain... When I had a stress break down in the autumn of 2003 I felt as if my whole skeleton was about to break down. I could hardly walk or move my head. It hurt almost everywhere and I felt as if I was falling apart.

To put things in perspective, there were in principle no adults present at the schoolyard during the breaks and free hours. And if such conditions had been exposed today (the oldest kids were 12 or 13 years old) it would have been police business, a national scandal and at least the main teacher would have lost his job. This was a small place in the country. It was idyllic when looking at it from the perspective of my family and the relatives and friends of my family. But there were also, I suppose, a lot of drinking and a lot of people who felt really bad and acted it out on others. Actually, at the age of 13, it was true that the only real interest of at least 50 % of the boys was to get drunk. Most of the others took an interest in sports. I did not drink or do sports so much. In stead I red books. Reading books was not allowed. After your first book, you were classified as crazy.

II. Yesterday, I met this woman whom I really like. I cannot say she is always kind though. Rather she is sometimes really frank and outspoken. And she tends to project her own problems on others. She had some problems of her own and did not feel really good. She did not tell me, but I could sense it (on top of all things above, I am emphatic in the sense that I feel other peoples feelings directly, as if they were my own %ndash this does not exactly make things easier, especially when you do not yet know that the feelings are not yours!), and it made me rather tense (to this added that I had hardly slept for two nights and that we had to drive around for a long time to find somewhere to park her car). She noticed that and went on about how tense I was and that I was much more relaxed when we attended to a course together 1 ½ year ago (this was also true about her).

Her explanation to me being tense was that it was because I was living in a hostile environment at my work-place, which continuously triggered all my psychological trigger spots. She said I was a different person when I was away from that environment and was able to relax. She has elaborated along these lines once before, and she then also said that there was an accumulation of feelings from my crazy work-place and the crazy schoolyard I was on as a kid. (I would understand this as gestalt.) It is true that I am unable to relax at my work-place. This is an environment where any slip of my tongue will carefully be written down and then used against me later; where I will be accused of harassing people if I happen to call someone 5 minutes after working hours; or to summon up; where everything I do or don%rsquot do will be used against me. So, I always have to be extremely aware of what I say or do. Such awareness creates tension. And then, I am of course also all the time scared that something will happen.

As I cannot just leave this workplace (I love my job as a researcher and teacher and I am really good at it; it is also really free; I decide what to do myself without much interference and I work from home; it is almost impossible to fire me; an extremely severe defamation campaign has made it almost impossible for me to get another job). So my challenge is: How can I disengage those triggers and get relaxed and still don%rsquot make any mistakes in this hostile work environment?

Now, this woman is offering me coaching and has promised me a good price (she needs someone to coach on a qualified leader coaching program right now, and she says she thinks I would be quite a challenge). I have considered her as a coach before, but I had almost decided not to hire her. There are several reasons for that: I like her to much. I want her as a friend, not as a coach. She doesn%rsquot even know what kundalini is. She does not understand the mechanisms of bullying. She is not objective. She is projecting her own problems upon anyone. She has problems of her own and chances are she will project a lot of stuff related to another man upon me. But still somehow this feels right, and she might be able to help me.

One funny thing: At the session in September, my DB told me "Watch out for the red lights!" She seemed to think that this was extremely important. Maybe a year ago or so, I started with this silly game, inspired by the idea I learned at this course, that I am the god of my own life. Whenever I approach a traffic light with my car, I try to make it turn green (or stay green). Surprisingly often, it works and my daughter is actually really impressed. But sometimes it doesn%rsquot work at all. It seems as if it only works when I am kind of on the right track. When I am not, there might be only red lights instead. I have also noticed that, when I am on the right track, the lights turn green even if I don%rsquot try to make them. And this is not only true about the lights, but about almost anything. If there is a traffic blockage, it will open up just to let me through. If there are a lot of people in a shop and long lines of people in front of the cash desks, I just have to head for an empty one and a cashier will come running to open it up for me as soon as I approach. Yesterday, I noticed when I went to se this woman, that all traffic lights went green as soon as I approached. This lasted even after the meeting, until I decided to go and visit another friend, who turned out not to be at his office.