Might be in Trouble, Might not be

[TheFifth]

No this is very helpful. I get lost in the identities that grow out of the creative processes I dive into and a major sticking point for me has been the attachment to the work. It is this that I must let go of, and while I understand this, it is not easy to do. Sometimes I wonder about counterfactual outcomes of my life, like what if I ended up accomplishing or pursuing one thing instead of another, what would look different? I feel I’m a bit of a wanderer but in retrospect I see the bumpers set up that have created a general direction.

I do feel on some level my calling is the service, the healing and counseling work, and the art is for me, the love of the process. I do feel on some level that when I try to grasp to this, it almost ceases to be art anymore, or, at the very least, the essence of it is somehow diminished. But the idea of wanting to be a “songwriter” is certainly ego, because my sense is that identifying with this reliably sends me into tangent realities and narratives. It’s more so something that I do when compelled, and does seem to have a cleansing and balancing effect. It’s probably similar to ego trappings around growing attached to any other title or identity…

[Mystress]

Sometimes I wonder about counterfactual outcomes of my life, like what if I ended up accomplishing or pursuing one thing instead of another, what would look different?

  I do that all the time. I think it is partly empathy. Constantly playing 'what if' and living other lives in my imagination. Trying them on for size, like a coat, for five minutes then surrender it all, and appreciate the life I am living.

I watch someone doing a hobby, or promoting a career, or some documentary, like coral diving and I am imagining what it would be like, to be a coral diver. I see a lovely home and imagine living there. I think it is very common, the art is intended to invoke empathy and imagination, painting yourself into the picture.

  Then, erasing again, surrender, here and now is what matters.

  When I see someone who became successful quite young, and wonder what if I had pursued a singing career, started a band, or gotten seriously into modeling instead of deciding to party through my 20s to make up for having to grow up too fast?
Where would I be now?

  Yet, intuition had told me I would be late bloomer, that my most valuable gifts would take decades to fully flower.  The news disappointed me at first, until I finally understood my superpower lol would be wisdom.

  The multidimensional theory of reality is that all of us are living an infinite number of lives in an infinite number of universes. So, some where, there are versions of me that did that...

  The reality of this dimension is, I was extremely vulnerable in my 20s.  I would get knocked out of my body by any kind of aggression and lose my ability to defend myself or say no.  So I am pretty sure the mainstream entertainment business would have chewed me up and spit me out, I would be dead of overdose or something.

  Though, in a universe of infinite possibilities, there is a me somewhere that made it and topped the charts.

  I read a promo for a course once, that used the multidimensional idea to add abilities to oneself.  Find the alternate dimension you, that wrote the bestselling novel and find out how they did it, clone the ability and knowledge for yourself. Write a bestselling novel.

  Shamans do it instinctively anyway but we source from the collective.

I do feel on some level my calling is the service, the healing and counseling work, and the art is for me, the love of the process. I do feel on some level that when I try to grasp to this, it almost ceases to be art anymore, or, at the very least, the essence of it is somehow diminished.

  It is similar for me, Shaman imperative rules my days. Even so there is some need to compartmentalize. I love art, but it is most often work related like web design or emotional release.

Games that are a little creative and just challenging enough to occupy most of my attention, are often enough to reset emotions and focus of my ADHD brain. Making patterns playing tetris, instead of just fitting blocks together.

  Like yesterday, someone disrespected my boundaries by sending me a lengthy email full of complete bullshit. Empathy and distress made me nauseous and my womb started aching.  ACK again just thinking about it. Wrote a quite hostile response, did not send it.

  One of the vamps helped peel it off me and I played an hour or two of a very silly but somewhat creative game called "One hour one life."  I farmed, I made shoes, I made needles and thread. I bonked a lot of seals, made more than enough sealskin fur coats for everybody in the town to increase fertility, and hunted and brought home eight turkeys. Saved a baby. Became leader and advised the town to grow some crops, cook pie and hunt rabbits. Died of old age.

  The game is never longer than an hour so I don't get caught up in it for hours or days like with some games.

Dornish Princess is funny, she plays OHOL drunk. She got attacked by a boar, and while she was dying she said "He gutted me like Robert Baratheon" (Game of Thrones reference ) and I am still laughing.
She also edits the hour down to essential moments, if you want a glimpse of the game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWF3kEZ5fFE

  Saw the email again this morning, got pissed, yet again at the disrespect and the bullshit contents. Not respecting my boundaries by asking email support for FST instead of posting to tearoom is aaarrrrgh! (nothing to do with you)

Played another hour... had two daughters, named them Diana and Sean, plus adopted one born to a potato, (afk mom) I named Jamie because could not tell gender. Made some clothes for them, gathered soil, planted trees, hunted turkeys, taught a new player how to make an arrow, shoot and pluck the birds. Told him he can inherit all my stuff (cart, clothes, knife.) Died of old age (60 minutes is 60 years) on the way home. Last thing dude said was a promise to take my bones home and bury me. Dropped dead before I could tell him not to bother.

Closed the game, feeling amused and better focused from the dopamine bonus of false accomplishment, deliberately generated to use for real accomplishment.

  Managing ADHD by select activities that alter brain chemistry...

  If I had clicked 'Get Reborn' I probably would have been born into the same town to resume my work but that is not why I play so, 'Quit' closed the game.

  These little hour long lives are like the creative identities. Maybe that is why they work so well as a brain break.  What I will be doing in a life depends on what race, gender and town I am born into, on my genetic fitness stats and who mom is, and how many players are on the server... and what I want.

  An hour later, or less, that identity dies and what is left unfinished will probably remain unfinished unless another player picks it up.  Nothing but a name in the family tree stats and what ever I managed to contribute.

I got one step father along installing the new and excessively complex membership management system for FST, and sent support requests in two different directions, can't make the next move till I hear back from the one that does not work weekends so... check tearoom...

Dopamine of actual accomplishment, redirected to core work, tending to the peeps. You.

  (So, you can see why having FST emotional/mental support work dumped into my email box feels as invasive as someone getting into the shower with me, uninvited. Enjoy the snacks! )

  Stranger still, when you get the feeling you are Goddess' answer to someone's prayer, that they were led to you. I find that does not usually come through the regular flow of work so much as the random kindnesses with strangers met by chance, through some unrelated activity.  Becoming what they need you to be for them, as Goddess wills, but in a very transient and focused way.

  The synchronicities can be fascinating. Jung never did figure out synchronicity because he came from an age of paper book publishing, he felt everybody gets a copy of the collective consciousness.
  Campbell came a lot closer to saying what I believe... we are all plugged into the cloud. The planetary consciousness IS the collective and we are all soaking in it, and soaking it in.

  It gets easier, the transient identities.

Contemplate being, nothing at all... is quite blissful.







 

   

[TheFifth]

Somewhat unrelated development but it would appear I have solved a pretty big portion of my chronic stress and anxiety/avoidant tendencies, which appears to be rooted in gut health. Changing my diet and consuming a daily portion or two of kimchi has gone a long way. There is a greater sense of ease, and my field of awareness is now clearer. My brain has always felt angry/inflamed and it always mystified me as to why my body is so reactive to seemingly innocuous environmental stimuli. This seems a pretty crucial piece of the puzzle and lower down on my Maslow's hierarchy, pre-requisite in many regards for focusing on higher levels of psycho-emotional-spiritual development. Will see where this leads...

[Mystress]

Yes.

You have been under chronic stress for so long, your internal ecosystem was trashed and you did not have the brain hormones for peace and stability.

My blog post on probiotic retention enemas started as part of a response to your feelings of doom July post,  that got lost when chrome crashed.

I realized it was actually, good advice for everybody and re-wrote it for my blog instead. Figured you would see it there.

Glad its working out!

  Sorry I never did reconstruct the rest of the other post.  Gut health advice was the most important part.

  I have noticed though that unsent messages get sent anyway, via Goddess messenger service.

For a time on k list I experimented with responding to emails via telepathy only. Was interesting to see who would get the message and write it out! 

In July you wrote: I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical? Maybe I just can’t relax, on some level.

[TheFifth]

Yeah there's a lot coming together and culminating right now, positive things. The mystery of why my body is so dang stressed all the time was solved by this, it would appear. Healing is a journey though and much of the source of the problem for me seems to be modified foods, etc. It does seem to be a component of the general sensitivity, which I would assume that I and most everyone else who reacts to our food and environment in this way are canaries in the coal mine and an indication of deeper things, disruptions to the ecosystem - food, water, air - we all live in and depend on.

Spiritual growth seems to spring from the balance though, realizing I have grown over the past few years much more than I realized in my constantly frazzled state.

[TheFifth]

I am getting somewhat of a sense of what was being caused by the inflammation and what's probably not going to change. I do seem to have the ADD in ways I didn't entirely understand or accept before, kind of was hesitant to accept this because I thought I was simply unorganized and, well, it feels like it's become fashionable, like someone saying they have a gluten allergy when they have absolutely no idea what it is like to live with such a thing. It has been pointed out to me though that I do indeed have this though, and so much has been stacked against me in my life around this, or at least in certain, more traditional paths and possibilities.

It is a strange thing to realize you have something that is an utter vulnerability that no one sees or understands for what it is, but nonetheless will judge you for and will hold you to the same standards as everyone else, in the conventional sense. I do believe I am gifted in other ways that I still do not entirely understand, but I am being patient and trusting. I am realizing more and more that I am highly creative which I do believe is one of the gifts of ADD; I am highly emotionally intelligent both intra and inter. Now that I am establishing greater balance, so much of it now seems to be remaining grounded though, and just following guidance and what plays out.