I did something stupid....

[Sean]

..But it ended up ok.

I was asking people about the when writing to someone you become them thing. Someone said to put something in the way of the thread connecting the 2 of you.

"Ok," I think,"This is pretty harmless and maybe I'll be able to write to my friend again.. I'll try it out"

So I pick up a thread and start putting things in the way so I dont go to them..... uh oh... Something just changed... ok.. Oh no! I am trying to block them. And its shutting me down. STOP STOP STOP DISOLVE NOW!

How could I have been so stupid?! I'm usualy a lot smarter than this... Ok lets see the damage and figure out what to do...

I felt like I had just taken a huge step backwards in all of this. Just in a second. I lost a lot of nice heart energy. I figure that this is what Mystress was telling me a few days ago. When you block out things, you block out Godess too. I knew this on a limited scale. But now I fully understand it. Wow, no room for mistakes there... And I see how your not supposed to block anything out at all. This is where our strength comes in... Ok! Ok, I get it. I get it. Open up.

I felt a lot of fear. Fear of death. Fear of living. Things that I had forgoten about. I was pretty bad off, even though I knew about all of this. It was still pretty scarry. But, I also had a big understanding about this too. I'm still not really sure about all this enlightenment stuff. I mean I never had a "normal" life before this so I am always thinking that I missed out on something. My jumping from, all messed up, to incredible energies flowing through me was pretty quick. I keep having thoughts back and still think that one say I will be normal again. Somehow normal was this great place to be. But not anymore. Being normal is not fun at all. Your always afraid of things, little things, you dont have the big picture, you dont have anything. Who needs that? I accept my direction that I'm going a lot better now. This enlightenment is pretty cool stuff. Not having to wear robes and sandles is cool too.. I thought about that a lot too hehe...

I also understood what Joeseph Cambell has been saying and I never got about enlightenment. About how he would hold up his hand and say "But nothing is happening.." It just makes a lot more sense now what he said about everything. Cool. I also understand a lot better what Mystress is doing here for me, for all of us. Beatifull.

So I check for damage. Feelers..OK.. but not as strong, connection... Ok ... Oh I see what was shut off. The stuff that comes out of my heart. It just flows out and into my body. I was kinda strange when it started, it used to be just in my heart, but one night it just started to overflow and go everywhere, it was pretty cool and strange at the same time. Anyway, thats all that happened. I miss it, but I can get it back, I know it.

So I sent the whole deal up and nothing realy changed. I started to go and ask it question and find out about it and maybe if it had some message for me. Yup. Lots of stuff. Mostly, listen to Mystress and do what she says, and thats it. Some other things about me. And what I've been talking about. Just more acceptance really. I thanked it for its message. So then it got better again. Not totally. But a lot better. I was still pretty freaked out. So I went totaly into the grounding. I was really focusing on it and making sure that it was well outside of me and in correct place. Did that for quite a while. And you know I felt like I could keep the connection a lot better then, a lot easier to make it stay there too. It was really strong..

So I woke up today and felt really light. And somehow had more shining light in me too. I wave my hands around and move around getting used to this new feeling. Its like I dropped pounds. I'm much lighter. Cool! This is so much better than before where I felt so heavy and slug like.. Whew...

I learned a lot. But thats what usualy happens. Mystress tells me something and I go, "Huh? ..then how do I?...Then why is?.." and then about a day later something happens totaly unrealated that makes me go, "Ahhhh! I see what she said!"

I now feel like I popped back to the start, changed path's to a different cooler one. And now I'm on my way again with a new understanding, and this time I dont have any back facing thoughts about being normal anymore. I'm me. Everything is forward now. Cool.

What a strange day.....

Ok, back to laying low, grounding, and building up again....

Sean