unresolved

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

Been thinking about some things. Actuall a lot of things. But this has come up and I dont know what to do about it.

When I was little I was sent away to all these boarding schools out of state. I was pretty happy there. Even though I was learning horrable things, we did a lot of cool stuff. Now every time I would come home from these places. I would come back and its like things would stop for me. Nothing was fun. I would start to think these crazy thoughts and feel bad. I would do things that I would never even think about doing before, nothing good for me. When I left again, I would feel better.

This happened every single time. And I never knew what was going on. Whenever I stayed home for any length of time I would die inside. Things were taken from me. I could not understand it.

So then later, as people activly went out and tried to twist who I was, this got worse. And I felt it even more. A blackness inside of me. Covering me. Cutting me away. I didnt know what it was, or what to do. I didnt understand. And without any help.. It just got worse until I eventually lost it all and started on a really bad time.

As years go by with me always thinking something is wrong with me, and talking to different doctors with no results I just gave up. Until one day I was startled to suddenly realise that whenever my mom came anywhere near me in any way. I would start feeling horrable and sick and black inside.  I could not understand. How could this be? I experimented with this and it was true. She was the one that was causing all these problems in me. Nothing was really wrong with me at all!!! Of course I didnt understand. But I got out as quick as I could.

And started to actually feel things again.. This goes on from here...

But... I know how things are now. But I still dont understand this. How could have this happened? What was the point? I want to resolve this. But how? I want to kill her. She destroyed my life. Instead of being happy and strong in my developing awareness, I was broken down and left to die filled with hate and misunderstanding. Left to rot for years.

I dont know what to say, I could tell her.. You destroyed my life, with your...what? Thoughts? I dont know what even happened myself...

I want to deal with this, resolve it, and move on. I Won't be understood though. You have to confront this to move on I think.

I mean this happens today. I cant call her, see her, hear her or anything. Without feeling that blackness creeping inside of me. Even grounded. I feel that I have a really strong connection to her. And all she does with it is hurt me. I feel that it could have been a really really good thing if used right.... Oh well... I just want to stop this now. Or move on from it. And I can't talk to anyone about this. They wont know what its like. I just dont know what to do....

...

And what do I tell my uncle who all he wants to do is help me. He say's "When are you going to collage? Were here for you." And ask's what's wrong with me. How can I explain these things?

...Well my mom drove me into depression and insanity with her thoughts and now I am recovering because now know I'm an empath and learning things and I can talk to Goddess now and heal things..... I just dont know what to say to them... There nice people, but very much a part of the reality. I dont want to scare them, or make them think wrongly about me... I avoid talking to him even though he can help me to re-start my life again.

Thanks for any help, this is such a strange time....

Sean

[Mystress]

Hi, Sean:

  Issues with the Mother always come up as part of the process, because as above-so below. Issues with your birth Mother usually reflect issues with the Goddess Mother. So, you are correct in seeing you need to deal with this.

 Reading over your post, one thing comes to mind... and that is that you have to get past your feelings of victimization. That will come with understanding, so I will give you some things to meditate on that will open you to a Goddess eye view.

  The choice of mother and child to incarnate and interact is always an agreement made before birth, at the higher self level. Ask to be shown that original agreement being made, and then you will know more about what is underlying the relationship between you two.

  Mothers often choose to give birth to children who have something to teach them or give them... it is a payback for all the labour! Children also choose Mothers who will bring out the best in them, and sharpen their focus for whatever they are coming in to experience, in this lifetime.

 Sometimes a good, bad example can be more educational than a good role model. Tough love! I know, I learned much about who I did not want to be, from my parents by their bad examples. Navigation is about moving towards and moving away from...

 Of course, inevitably we do become like our parents, and that tends to become more pronounced if we resist it, and refuse to see the reflection that they are.

I know you have been avoiding empathy with your Mother for a long time... but engaging in empathy with her, from a detached place of being able to observe the interaction and the content of the incoming energy would show you a lot. Sometimes you have to move towards what you fear, to find the light in the appearance of dark. Your Mother is a reflection of you, just like everything else is.

  Good heavens, if you cannot stand the blackness of empathy with her for ten minutes, what must it be life for her, feeling that all the time? Let compassion replace hatred.

  Also do a meditation of imagining your mother as a baby in your arms. Just love her, for the innocent creation of Goddess that she was, before life's challenges overwhelmed her.  

  Have you ever considered that you inherited this empathic sensitivity from your Mother? Perhaps the "blackness" you are seeing is a result of her lifelong process of collecting karma via empathy, and not knowing how to clear it? Spend some time meditating on this. You  know how you were six months ago... full of rage at the world. What would you have become in 20 years if you had continued on that path without learning to clear yourself, and be aware of your projections?

Take a good look, and I think you may understand more about your mother. She is a good bad example of how uncontrolled empathy can lead to a lot of ineffective shielding behaviors. There was no "New Age" when she was young, no Tantra course to teach her about what was happening. She did the best she could, with what she knew, and your judgments of "not good enough" say more about you, than about her.

 The gift is, by not being a source of energy food for you, she led you to focus more on your inner resources. You are young, yet further along the path of enlightenment than you would be, if not for that.

 Perhaps part of your reason for choosing each other, is to teach each other about empathy. Life is a wheel, first we are children to our parents, then we are their parents, and their teachers. We keep our parents young by helping them stay up to date with a changing world. Most parents want more than anything, to be kept informed, if not involved in their children's lives.

You project an inability to understand onto your Mother and uncle that do them no service.

 Surrender it, and the "specialness" you cling to along with it. EVERYONE IS EMPATHIC.

 People who have no empathy are called "Sociopaths" and you hear about them on the news, serial killers, etc. Is everyone but the extremely sensitive, a serial killer? I think not... Those who are very sensitive are not always the nicest kindest people around, either. Your expressed desire to kill your mother is not pretty, and it is a side effect of empathy.  

 I know, you have had a lot of experiences of trying to tell people about your sensitivity, and not being understood. But then, you did not understand it, yourself so no kidding you could not communicate clearly.

  You also have a motive of clinging to your "specialness" that was validated by their not understanding.

Right? With your words you were saying "Please understand me" and unconsciously you are saying "please validate my uniqueness by not understanding me", then you will see which message was getting through.

 Surrender all that stuff around people not understanding, and then try again from a place of humility. Of the common ground of empathy itself. Everyone has the experience of becoming cranky around cranky people, or cheerful around happy people. Start with that, Goddess will give you the words.

For example: I wrote recently to make inquiries of a self-publishing company, and the owner wrote back asking about my books. I told him:

 The second book is a guide for very empathic people to learn to handle a gift for intimacy that is most often felt as a curse.  People who are too sensitive to the emotions, and even the physical illnesses of others around them.  You probably know some people like that... artists who become hermits because being around people is just too hard.

He wrote back: And, yes, I
do know someone who is hyper-sensitive to others' emotions and who wants to become a hermit.

 Easy. He knows what the book is about, and he knows there is a market for it.

 Instead of saying "here is some esoteric extra special gobbeldy gook I am dealing with that do not expect an ordinary person like you to understand", I said "you probably know people who are like this". He does. They are everywhere, everybody knows someone like you.

 Your Uncle really does want to help you get your life back together, and by next fall,  the idea of college may really appeal to you. We do not do this path to go be hermits on some mountaintop. We do it to become whole in ourselves, so that we can return to the world and share that wholeness as a gift,  to the world and to ourselves.

 The example of your pilot is there for you. Someone who is obviously a spiritual master, yet who does not speak of his specialness, or his spiritual beliefs. He lives in the everyday world with ease and grace, and graces the world by living in it.

You are already at a place where you are much more comfortable moving in the world. When this current phase of your growing process is done, you will have ambition to return to the world and carve a place for yourself in it, doing what you love.

 I know you want to fly.. is that a carreer or a hobby? Perhaps your path is to go to art school, or to become a counsellor, specializing in people like you and your Mother, who have too much senstivity.

Don't make any decisions yet... Goddess will decide for you. Just consider that there is life after FST! Right now you are building self esteem with specialness, but it is lonely on your pedestal, is it not? As ego fades, the specialness goes too.. or rather, it expands so that you see the specialness within everything, even the blissfully ordinary. All of creation is miraculous, in that it exists, at all!

  Blessings...

:  Hello Mystress,

:
:  Been thinking about some things. Actuall a lot of things. But this has come up and I dont know what to do about it.

:
:  When I was little I was sent away to all these boarding schools out of state. I was pretty happy there. Even though I was learning horrable things, we did a lot of cool stuff. Now every time I would come home from these places. I would come back and its like things would stop for me. Nothing was fun. I would start to think these crazy thoughts and feel bad. I would do things that I would never even think about doing before, nothing good for me. When I left again, I would feel better.

:  This happened every single time. And I never knew what was going on. Whenever I stayed home for any length of time I would die inside. Things were taken from me. I could not understand it.

:  So then later, as people activly went out and tried to twist who I was, this got worse. And I felt it even more. A blackness inside of me. Covering me. Cutting me away. I didnt know what it was, or what to do. I didnt understand. And without any help.. It just got worse until I eventually lost it all and started on a really bad time.

:
:  As years go by with me always thinking something is wrong with me, and talking to different doctors with no results I just gave up. Until one day I was startled to suddenly realise that whenever my mom came anywhere near me in any way. I would start feeling horrable and sick and black inside.  I could not understand. How could this be? I experimented with this and it was true. She was the one that was causing all these problems in me. Nothing was really wrong with me at all!!! Of course I didnt understand. But I got out as quick as I could.

:
:  And started to actually feel things again.. This goes on from here...

:
:  But... I know how things are now. But I still dont understand this. How could have this happened? What was the point? I want to resolve this. But how? I want to kill her. She destroyed my life. Instead of being happy and strong in my developing awareness, I was broken down and left to die filled with hate and misunderstanding. Left to rot for years.

:  I dont know what to say, I could tell her.. You destroyed my life, with your...what? Thoughts? I dont know what even happened myself...

:  I want to deal with this, resolve it, and move on. I Won't be understood though. You have to confront this to move on I think.

:
:  I mean this happens today. I cant call her, see her, hear her or anything. Without feeling that blackness creeping inside of me. Even grounded. I feel that I have a really strong connection to her. And all she does with it is hurt me. I feel that it could have been a really really good thing if used right.... Oh well... I just want to stop this now. Or move on from it. And I can't talk to anyone about this. They wont know what its like. I just dont know what to do....

:
: ...

:  And what do I tell my uncle who all he wants to do is help me. He say's "When are you going to collage? Were here for you." And ask's what's wrong with me. How can I explain these things?

:  ...Well my mom drove me into depression and insanity with her thoughts and now I am recovering because now know I'm an empath and learning things and I can talk to Goddess now and heal things..... I just dont know what to say to them... There nice people, but very much a part of the reality. I dont want to scare them, or make them think wrongly about me... I avoid talking to him even though he can help me to re-start my life again.

:
:  Thanks for any help, this is such a strange time....

:  Sean

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

First time I read this I got mad. Then I came back and read it again in a bit, got the part about holding her as a baby. Imagined it. Then I started crying. I do that a lot these days. Crying everything away. I cannot come to the reality that everything is so hard for me. My jailer, my torturer, my killer, my mom. Is just like me? And now I must fix things for her? After all of that? But I understand. That makes it all the harder.

Sometimes I just want this all to go away. To just get some rest. To heal up. To have fun, to be happy. Thats all I really want. Just to be happy. Everything is just so hard for me. I dont want to do any of this. Sometimes I just want to hit the re-start button and do it again. Why cant I have a nice life with a nice family? Go to school and meet nice girls...

Ok I'm just really sad about understanding this now....

Thanks Mystress for telling me about everything. I think I know why she is like this. She used to be a nun, and she's crazy into being a catholic. She constantly represses and hurts herself all the time for some far away god that doesnt exist. I hate it when she does that. Always have....

... Anyways, I want to make this stop. I want to tell her the truth. So she can stop hurting herself. But I dont know how to work it. I dont have your experience with this. I want her to be cleared. But I'm not sure if I should do that. I want her to know the truth inside her, but she might not beleive. I could tell her about her unconcious, but it might be to much.... Its her religion. She hangs on to it even though its killing her.. and me.

I dont know.... I hate to do this. But I want this all to end. Now. I dont even know how to start it out... I've avoided being anywhere near her my whole life. This is going to change everything. As soon as I open my mouth. I'm not even sure if I can deal with it.

Oh well.... This is going to happen. Maybe you know a good way of a way to make this happen? I'm afraid I'll do something to break it all, I'm just a newbie to this still... And I'd just like to deal with this until its done. Other stuff can come later when I can deal with that.

I asked for the agreement too. Maybe I'll get it soon.

I dream of better days...

Thanks

Sean

[Percyval]

:  ... Anyways, I want to make this stop. I want to tell her the truth. So she can stop hurting herself. But I dont know how to work it. I dont have your experience with this. I want her to be cleared. But I'm not sure if I should do that. I want her to know the truth inside her, but she might not beleive. I could tell her about her unconcious, but it might be to much.... Its her religion. She hangs on to it even though its killing her.. and me.

:
:  I dont know.... I hate to do this. But I want this all to end. Now. I dont even know how to start it out... I've avoided being anywhere near her my whole life. This is going to change everything. As soon as I open my mouth. I'm not even sure if I can deal with it.

hi Sean,

i've been reading all of your posts carefully, and my heart is with you...

one thing i want to make sure you didn't misunderstand, (assuming that i did understand correctly)... Mystress isn't trying to get you to focus on healing your actual mother out in the "real" world... (although that could be a side-effect)...

your relationship with your mom is inside of you, and a big factor in your pain... so, your mother exists inside of you... learning to feel empathy for her... feeling understanding and eventually love... so you need to heal her within yourself, and don't feel a need to force an actual confrontation with her in the outer world... this may end up happening some day, but you need more inner healing first...

btw: i had a similar thing with my father, that i didn't resolve until my mid-twenties (i'm 47 now)... since he died when i was 14, i had to resolve it on an inner level, and it worrked out beautifully... i was not able to feel comfortable with people or deal effectively in the world until this was healed...

my key word was forgiveness... i got to see him as a young man, not in the context of being my father... i got to understand his pain, and the inner force/conflict that drove him... eventually i understood him, and cried for his pain... i forgave him, and somehow, there was inner forgiveness of myself (not that i did anything that really needed forgiving- but somehow, i held a corresponding grudge against myself...)

this inner healing led to a mastery, an ability to act very effectively in the world, and an ability to develop some beautiful friendships... anyway, your story is different in many ways, but i wanted to share mine in hope that it gives you some encouragement and comraderie...

lovingly,

percyval

[Mystress]

:  Hello Mystress,

Hello, Sean:

   I don't have much to add to what percyval wrote. his post was beautiful. he is correct, the main place of healing is within yourself. Change the world by changing the inside of you.

 If you clear the stuff within yourself, and really get to understanding your Mom so you can forgive her and yourself, Goddess will handle the rest.

 When you are no longer so resistant to her, you will find her stuff does not get stuck in you.

  You don't have to fix your Mom. It is her life, she owns it... You know from your own experience, nobody could fix you but you, and you could not understand what I teach till you had an experience to apply it to.

 Just accept her, as she is. Get past your resistance to her. Goddess will do the rest.

  Your mother's only comfort has been the idea that her suffering is holy, christlike. You are not likely to be able to persuade her out of her martyrdom. Accept it.

:
:  First time I read this I got mad. Then I came back and read it again in a bit, got the part about holding her as a baby. Imagined it. Then I started crying. I do that a lot these days. Crying everything away.

The catharisis of release is a terrible beauty.

: I cannot come to the reality that everything is so hard for me. My jailer, my torturer, my killer, my mom. Is just like me?

You do not actually see your Mom, Sean. You see your projections reflected. Do you think she sees herself, as you label her? Jailer, torturer? You have projected your own shadow onto her, made her into your demon. That is all about you.

It makes me think of Dark Kali, with her necklace of skulls, how you see your Mother. She dances on the Buddha, rips his guts out and eats them, so he can be reborn. She is the karma that spanks. Do a websearch on dark Kali, and then you will understand that learning to love her even when She is feasting on your guts, is essential to attaining buddha hood.

Dark Kali is one side of Kali the Great Mother, who gave birth to us all. You have met the light side of your DB... you have projected the shadow side onto your Mother. The integration has to happen, within you. Just open to allowing it, surrender and Goddess will lead you. You know how it works.  

:And now I must fix things for her? After all of that? But I understand. That makes it all the harder.

You must fix things for yourself, and fix your projections of her so you can really see her as a person. See Goddess within her.

:  Sometimes I just want this all to go away. To just get some rest. To heal up. To have fun, to be happy. Thats all I really want. Just to be happy. Everything is just so hard for me. I dont want to do any of this. Sometimes I just want to hit the re-start button and do it again. Why cant I have a nice life with a nice family? Go to school and meet nice girls...

:
:  Ok I'm just really sad about understanding this now....

It is good how you recognise your resistance and let it go like that. It does make things easier, eh?

:
:  Thanks Mystress for telling me about everything. I think I know why she is like this. She used to be a nun, and she's crazy into being a catholic. She constantly represses and hurts herself all the time for some far away god that doesnt exist. I hate it when she does that. Always have....

You would not hate it, unless you love her. Still, it is her life... if she wants to worship a distant God, she can. Goddess will not judge her, for that... so why do you? Goddess does not care what we call Her, Jesus is as good a name as any. Nuns are Brides of Christ, and that sacred marriage is her cherished connection. Surrender to that.

:  ... Anyways, I want to make this stop. I want to tell her the truth. So she can stop hurting herself. But I dont know how to work it. I dont have your experience with this. I want her to be cleared. But I'm not sure if I should do that. I want her to know the truth inside her, but she might not beleive. I could tell her about her unconcious, but it might be to much.... Its her religion. She hangs on to it even though its killing her.. and me.

:
:  I dont know.... I hate to do this. But I want this all to end. Now. I dont even know how to start it out... I've avoided being anywhere near her my whole life. This is going to change everything. As soon as I open my mouth. I'm not even sure if I can deal with it.

:  Oh well.... This is going to happen. Maybe you know a good way of a way to make this happen?

Heh, to "make" it happen? What happened to the idea of surrender?

  Let all this stuff go, Sean. Deal with it all within yourself, and your Mom will notice a change in you. She will ask... and Goddess will give you the words. It may happen in a month, or a year, or on her deathbed... but Goddess within her will reach out to Goddess within you, when the time is right.

 You cannot save her, teach her or convert her. You can just take care of your self, accept her and Goddess will handle the rest.

Do talk to your uncle, when you feel ready. Tell him about yourself, your experiences. Speak of them as if they are ordinary. Get comfortable with yourself, and you will be comfortable to talk about things, without having expectations or needing to prove anything. Your attitude will tell them more than your words, anyway.

:I'm afraid I'll do something to break it all, I'm just a newbie to this still... And I'd just like to deal with this until its done. Other stuff can come later when I can deal with that.

You are giving Goddess a schedule?

:  I asked for the agreement too. Maybe I'll get it soon.

Insights will come, at their own pace.
  Don't take my idea about teaching her about empathy, as gospel. Pre-birth aggreements are rarely so simple. They unfold as Goddess Wills.

:
:  I dream of better days...

Be here now.
     Blessings...

:
:  Thanks

:
:  Sean

:
:  

[Sean]

Hello,

Thanks Percyval for sharing your experience and letting me know. Mystress. This is the strangest time for me. I thought that since this was about my family that this was somehow different from everyone else out there. I wanted to fix them all. I guess they own themselves too. Thanks for reminding me.

This stuff right here is a big part of things. Its almost everything tangled together. I can see it now.

I've been doing the meditation and just thinking about everything, crying a lot, re-thinking. I realised that all I really wanted to do was tell her silly stories, tell her about the trees and sky, talk about music, and just be close, so easy to do. But that could never happen. Always hurting, and not understanding.. among other things too, things she was taught.

So since I've done this. It feel like that iron grip that has been holding my chest and heart area for so long has let go quite a bit. Its all sore now, but I can breath a lot better. So much strain in my chest gone. I feel energy changing around me when I think of these things. Last night I felt a lot of things going on.. Strange.. Almost felt like I was being worked on.

But here comes the rest...

:   Your mother's only comfort has been the idea that her suffering is holy, christlike. You are not likely to be able to persuade her out of her martyrdom. Accept it.

YES! YES! This is it. Nobody understands this! I am so glad you do! This relates to me as well. When I was off in my catholic boarding school and all over really. my mom taught me this too. These saints were made to be our hero's for us. The whole story behind them is they hurt terribly somehow and died. And they are what we were supposed to be like. Now I was little and totaly beleived this. Lots of other kids did too. It was like our goal in life to be captured by the Moors and die in some dungeon or something stupid like this. Communists or whatever. The people we looked up to were people that had horrable diseases and never told anyone. They killed there minds, spirits and bodies. They suffered for god. A far away god. And somehow this was good and holy.. These are our life goals here. This is how I saw the world. What a horrable thing. This life is all about hurting.

Totaly depressed my beginning part of life. And I never knew it. I never knew the difference. We were shut away from the world and told not to deal with anyone from it.

So when things went bad. When I was being overloaded with the black stuff from empathy. I freaked out. But I didn't really do anything about it. You know I thought it was punishment for some terrible sin that I had committed. And I didn't know what it was. How else could this happen? I would be awake at night asking, praying, what is going on with me!!??? What did I do wrong? Tell me! ...Nothing. So I just got worse and worse. Suffering. Because that's what you do. Never telling anyone how I felt. Hiding. Praying to a far away god for help. Then after some time I started hurting myself. I get really hurt. But I dont do anything about it. I suffer. Thats what I learned. I get worse. I degenerate. I shut it all out. After more time. I realise that there is no god after all. I tear off my scapular in hate. So much faith put into nothing. I started to hate all religions. They only hurt people. Religion hurt all my friends, destroyed my family, broke everything that was nice in this life. And twisted it into something horrable. There is no god. I will never beleive in a god ever again!

So now you can see where I have some things to deal with here. This whole thing connects to EVERYTHING that I have been dealing with. With my mom. My feelings, just recently realising that its not in fact a punishment from god. With my postion in life, hurt, confused, broken, lost. I know this keeps me from moving closer to what I have inside. To Goddess. I always think back.. look what happened last time... Even though I know this is true. I still have to work on things like, life is not about hurting. Life is about having fun. I've learned that here. I've learned so much. I never thought that I would ever be able to deal with any of this. I've changed so much. But I have this tangle to deal with still... It connects to all of me. Everything. If I can remove this. Then things will fall into place. And this have already started to unravel. Its my black center. I hate to think that what was taught to me long ago keeps me from doing what I want to do in my new life. I keep telling myself my new ideas. But its pretty slow. What a twisted mess this is...

: You would not hate it, unless you love her. Still, it is her life... if she wants to worship a distant God, she can. Goddess will not judge her, for that... so why do you? Goddess does not care what we call Her, Jesus is as good a name as any. Nuns are Brides of Christ, and that sacred marriage is her cherished connection. Surrender to that.

I just wanted to fix my family. My friends. Let them know that they dont need to hurt themselves anymore. That its all ok. I hate to see my mom and brothers still under those ideas. They are just like me. I'm just more sensitive than they are. And just for once I'd like to have a nice family. But I'll work on myself. I end up dropping hints to my little brother though. He can be just like me if he gets over those old stupid thoughts. I hate to see the anger building up in him.

You know I can see that my mom was telling me what she was taught. And that goes on and on way back into time. I can place that religion accountable for all of this. I want to make that go away. I want to stop all the hurting that has gone on all through time. I dont want to see anymore confused kids. I dont want to see anymore broken misguided families. I keep thinking about what you said Mystress, let it be handled. I know this is true. But it makes me so sad just the same. I dont want this to happen to someone like me ever again.

: You are giving Goddess a schedule?

I'll write about it tomorrow. I've just got so much to feel and think about these days. I have posts you made weeks ago that I still havn't got to yet. This is such a strange time of change. But I'll get to it. I actually want to talk about that stuff now! I just need to go out and feel with my new feelings for a bit.

Thanks for everything.. Your giving me back my life.

Sean

[Mystress]

:  I've been doing the meditation and just thinking about everything, crying a lot, re-thinking. I realised that all I really wanted to do was tell her silly stories, tell her about the trees and sky, talk about music, and just be close, so easy to do. But that could never happen. Always hurting, and not understanding.. among other things too, things she was taught.

Her silly stories?

:  So since I've done this. It feel like that iron grip that has been holding my chest and heart area for so long has let go quite a bit.

Ya know, the "second coming of Christ" is us. Our fully opened hearts. The heart is the christos... the Divine love that redeems.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The actual words of Christ, and the essence of his teachings are good. They mirror what is said in every other great religion: some truths are universal.
Myself, I prefer the interpretation of the Gnostic Christians and the Quakers. I find them to be resonant and very beautiful.

The structure around it that we call the Church of Rome is kind of messy... but it is changing, as I mentioned to Sinisa the other day.

Even so, it serves Goddess Will whether it knows or not. Everything is Goddess...

Its all sore now, but I can breath a lot better. So much strain in my chest gone. I feel energy changing around me when I think of these things. Last night I felt a lot of things going on.. Strange.. Almost felt like I was being worked on.

I feel that sometimes too... angels, ascended Masters,  and DB doing psychic surgery to help me along. Just give thanks.

 You have noticed, the surrender process gets easier. When you get up to a certain level some beings show up to help out. Or they were always there, but your awareness expands to become aware of them.
:
:  But here comes the rest...
:
: :   Your mother's only comfort has been the idea that her suffering is holy, christlike. You are not likely to be able to persuade her out of her martyrdom. Accept it.

:
:  YES! YES! This is it. Nobody understands this! I am so glad you do! This relates to me as well. When I was off in my catholic boarding school and all over really. my mom taught me this too. These saints were made to be our hero's for us. The whole story behind them is they hurt terribly somehow and died. And they are what we were supposed to be like. Now I was little and totaly beleived this. Lots of other kids did too.

Hey, I was raised Catholic, I know what you mean. I was very devout when I was a child... about age 6 to 12. Went to mass by myself, and everything. Yet at the same time, I was a heretic... because I knew about the Light under the ground... although I did not know what it was, or why it seemed to have abandoned me.

At my confirmation I chose St. Francis of Assissi, because he was close to nature and did not suffer and die a messy death. They did not like me choosing a male saint, and spelled it with an e on my confirmation form. I took a pen and changed it back to an i.

 The fem St. Frances was a drippy grrrl who suffered and died a martyr like all the rest.

  The beauty in them, is in their surrender. They did not resist what occurred. They expressed gratitude, which turns pain to pleasure. It is the resistance that makes the black stuff stick. Your resistance.

 Mark Twain once said "Christianity would be a beautiful religion, if anyone ever tried it". This is correct. At essence, it IS a beautiful religion, and also one that demands a level of surrender and unconditional love that few attain.

 For those who are able to surrender fully to the path, it works for them.

:  So when things went bad. When I was being overloaded with the black stuff from empathy. I freaked out. But I didn't really do anything about it. You know I thought it was punishment for some terrible sin that I had committed. And I didn't know what it was. How else could this happen?

Well, think for a moment, Sean. You have discovered the suffering was actually self created... by your choice of thoughts and projections. The concept of karma and the concept of sin are not so far apart from each other, really. They add up to much the same thing: be nice or suffer guilt and fear. Have faith or be afraid and suffer.

  When I am doing healing with with Christians I tell them to give the sins to Jesus, he died so they would be forgiven. It works just the same as telling them to give karma blockages to Goddess. I explained Goddess to Mom by saying that the virgin Mary is a manifestation of that same maternal Divine energy. It gave her comfort. Seems that her Mom often prayed to the virgin for intervention.

 It seemed like you did not get an answer, because the answers you *were getting* for where you were and what you believed, were right.

 When you were taking on the "sins" karma of other people and suffering, you were being totally christlike... except for the resistance that made it painful. The idea of the Christ and the Boddhisattva are pretty similar too.

  What is it that I do, in my work? I feel your fear with you, and tell you it is OK, that it is forgiven in some way your ego can accept, so you can let it go. This empathy that you want to run away from, reading you and seeing/sharing your stuff is how I know what to write back. I am not resistant to you, and you are learning not to project... so it all flows.  

 Not so different from confessing to a Priest... and what about all those who want you to be their priest, all the people who tell you their problems?

 You know what hurts: it is the places that lack faith in Divine Perfection, that hurt. The parts that resist.

 You have discovered that you are the God of your own life... karma is is a reflex, a law of nature, so it was all you punishing yourself.

Apply that knowledge to how it felt then... and you will see that it was all true, in a way. You were getting answers, you just did not like what you heard. You were a kid who wanted his own way.

  I was one too, and I got my ass kicked by Karma. In the end, you have to see perfection in the past and trust that it had purpose. Every step along the way was needed, to get you to where you are today. Blessed with Grace!

: I would be awake at night asking, praying, what is going on with me!!??? What did I do wrong? Tell me! ...Nothing. So I just got worse and worse. Suffering. Because that's what you do. Never telling anyone how I felt. Hiding. Praying to a far away god for help. Then after some time I started hurting myself. I get really hurt. But I dont do anything about it. I suffer. Thats what I learned. I get worse. I degenerate. I shut it all out. After more time. I realise that there is no god after all. I tear off my scapular in hate. So much faith put into nothing. I started to hate all religions. They only hurt people. Religion hurt all my friends, destroyed my family, broke everything that was nice in this life. And twisted it into something horrable. There is no god. I will never beleive in a god ever again!

You went to hell for a while, by the thoughts you chose. It happens, it is part of the process. Without understanding hell, you cannot appreciate Heaven.

:  So now you can see where I have some things to deal with here. This whole thing connects to EVERYTHING that I have been dealing with. With my mom. My feelings, just recently realising that its not in fact a punishment from god. With my postion in life, hurt, confused, broken, lost. I know this keeps me from moving closer to what I have inside. To Goddess. I always think back.. look what happened last time... Even though I know this is true. I still have to work on things like, life is not about hurting. Life is about having fun. I've learned that here. I've learned so much. I never thought that I would ever be able to deal with any of this. I've changed so much. But I have this tangle to deal with still... It connects to all of me. Everything.

Everything is connected to eerything else everywhere, it is all One.

Do you really see that trying to "fix" things, and giving Goddess a schedule is also a kind of resistance? You have been able to deal with all this stuff, due to being carried in Goddess arms. Your only job is to surrender.  

If I can remove this. Then things will fall into place.

Fear based prayers that are out of the moment almost always contain an if-then statement. "What if?" fear asks, and answers "then..." Hope, which is fear projected into the future says "if only.. Then..."

Just surrender to allowing Goddess to handle it for you. That is how you have gotten so far so fast. You did your part, surrendering and staying grounded, becoming mindful of your thoughts and projections. Goddess did the rest.
I am trying to persuade you to get out of your own way and just let it flow. It is going slow because you are trying too hard.

And this have already started to unravel. Its my black center. I hate to think that what was taught to me long ago keeps me from doing what I want to do in my new life. I keep telling myself my new ideas. But its pretty slow. What a twisted mess this is...

: : You would not hate it, unless you love her. Still, it is her life... if she wants to worship a distant God, she can. Goddess will not judge her, for that... so why do you? Goddess does not care what we call Her, Jesus is as good a name as any. Nuns are Brides of Christ, and that sacred marriage is her cherished connection. Surrender to that.

:
:  I just wanted to fix my family. My friends. Let them know that they dont need to hurt themselves anymore. That its all ok. I hate to see my mom and brothers still under those ideas. They are just like me. I'm just more sensitive than they are. And just for once I'd like to have a nice family. But I'll work on myself. I end up dropping hints to my little brother though. He can be just like me if he gets over those old stupid thoughts. I hate to see the anger building up in him.

Well, the best thing you can do is to be a good role model. Actions speal louder than words. He will learn more from your attitude than your preaching. Just like you and the pilot.

:
:  You know I can see that my mom was telling me what she was taught. And that goes on and on way back into time. I can place that religion accountable for all of this. I want to make that go away. I want to stop all the hurting that has gone on all through time. I dont want to see anymore confused kids. I dont want to see anymore broken misguided families. I keep thinking about what you said Mystress, let it be handled. I know this is true. But it makes me so sad just the same. I dont want this to happen to someone like me ever again.
:  
I understand, I felt the same way. there are a lot of ex-christians who feel the same way... but the higher perspective is that you chose what religion you would be born into. That choice was not wrong, it served you. Moving towards and moving away from...

: : You are giving Goddess a schedule?

:
:  I'll write about it tomorrow. I've just got so much to feel and think about these days. I have posts you made weeks ago that I still havn't got to yet. This is such a strange time of change. But I'll get to it. I actually want to talk about that stuff now! I just need to go out and feel with my new feelings for a bit.

Kewl. There is no hurry. Relax, enjoy life. Write when you feel like it. Follow your bliss!
:
:  Thanks for everything.. Your giving me back my life.

Heh.. OK, if you say so... You are very welcome!
  But you know, it is what you make of the information, that does the magic. I am pointing the way, but you are the one who is doing this beautiful journey of surrender. I really appreciate that you hear me. It is beautiful to watch you growing.
 Blessings..
:
:  Sean

[Sean]

Hello Mystress,

Been thinking about everything. A lot of things let go too. It seems to be going lower and letting go more in my solar plexus area. New feelings are comming out. Still getting used to it.

:  Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The actual words of Christ, and the essence of his teachings are good. They mirror what is said in every other great religion: some truths are universal.

I see this is true. I hated this thought, but I watched all of Joe Cambell's video lectures and see that the original message was right on. Its been perverted by people though. That Buda and Jesus are the same really. Same deal. I'm cool with that.

: Hey, I was raised Catholic, I know what you mean. I was very devout when I was a child...
....For those who are able to surrender fully to the path, it works for them.

Thanks for sharing all this. Its really good to be understood in a LOT of the things that most people have no idea of. And I do know of some people that feel pretty good and beleive this stuff. Handfull among hundreds though... That confused me too, now I see.

:     Well, think for a moment, Sean. You have discovered the suffering was actually self created... by your choice of thoughts and projections. The concept of karma and the concept of sin are not so far apart from each other, really. They add up to much the same thing: be nice or suffer guilt and fear. Have faith or be afraid and suffer.  

I dont know, I never wanted to create any suffering.

:  It seemed like you did not get an answer, because the answers you *were getting* for where you were and what you believed, were right.

:   When you were taking on the "sins" karma of other people and suffering, you were being totally christlike... except for the resistance that made it painful. The idea of the Christ and the Boddhisattva are pretty similar too.

I dont know. I didnt really have a problem with any of this until I was learned to hate the people around me. They messed up my feelings on purpose. "That boy is too happy... Look at how he questions things! Look at how he talks to the girls..." I was all open and free. They twisted me into this mindset, and thats when it all went bad. Thats when I started down this horrable path. I can see a little better now... I actually didnt hate anyone before that.. I didn't care about anything. I loved the mountains and trees.  Things started to happened for my good. I had unlimited energy. My music just started to come out in force. This was because some kids took the time to be my friends and made me feel good. Showed me what its like to be happy. It really brought me out of that depression from before.

It gets to me that I am to blame or I am the cause of any of this. I didnt know anything about this. How could I know? Sometimes I hate myself for what I was shown. For what I learned. Its hard to hear that, all the pain, you made it. It freaks me out, makes me so sad... I just wanted to be happy. Not hate anyone.

And when I was getting filled with the blackness, I felt so shut off. I didn't feel christlike for long. I felt hated by god. And I would go to church and do everything "right". And still I was hated. How could I, who hasn't done a thing wrong, who only wants to do good things, who is a really good person, be so hated? So hated. ?

Today I can't walk anywhere and not feel my body hurt with every move, and it tells me. Look what was done. Look what they did to you. With there lies. With there religion. Every time I see a forest path that I can't walk down, every time I go by the collage and see kids having fun and learning, every time I see a couple walking and holding hands. Every time I have completed music, but cannot play it. Every time I have beatifull images, but cannot make them. Look at what has happened. They hurt you. They put this in you. Religion did this to you. And where are they now? Still doing the same things. Where am I? Broken. I have a constant reminder of all that happened to me every day. I dont think I can ever really put this all away until the damage has been healed. I can't see a way around it....

I always get really mad when other people talk about religion. Or guides. Or New age people with there off target ideas. I want to explode them all.

:    What is it that I do, in my work? I feel your fear with you, and tell you it is OK.....
..and you are learning not to project... so it all flows.  

Your my favorite Mystress. Out of all the Mystress's I know, your the best. Sometimes I dont even want to deal with me. But you do. I go back and read some of my posts and get shocked at how bad things are for me. I can feel how I was. Even now I can feel how I was what.. yesterday? So I know this is not exactly the funnest thing to. But your help is getting me out of this horrable mess that I had no idea about how to heal, or ever thought I could even begin to heal. I cannot thank you enough. I might try though...

I have to start on a new post and talk about funner things. I cant even deal with me right now, I'm very angry about everything and I didnt want to be. This is just here now, and things are comming up. I actually wanted to talk about something else... Ok.. later...

Thank you.

Sean

[Mystress]

  Sean:

   Taking responsibility for stuff is not about blame. It is simply accepting that things happened, and surrendering them. Stuff happened. It is in the past. The past mostly exists, in memory. Emotional memories stuck in your body, are karma. They come up, let them go.

 Stuff happens, to all of us. We all handle it differently, and with time comes perspective. Memories change. I was born a week late and backwards, because when I realized how hard life was going to be, I did not want to come out.

 I learned a lot about my Mom when my last vanilla boyfriend took me to Germany. Boy, Germans only know tough love and no other kind. They lived in a hard country, and they thought it best to raise children harshly, to toughen them for the hardships of life. Otherwise they would be happy children and grow up unable to handle how hard life is, and disappointed. They beat children to save them from disappointment! Crazy, but true. Remember, parts of Germany were still under the feudal system till 50 years ago. Life was hard, most people were slaves. Slaves breeding more slaves and training them to be slaves. They did not know any other way.

 On German X-mas cards, Santa carries a birch. That is a bundle of twigs that was commonly used to beat children with. Here, Santa just brings bad kids coal... in Germany, I guess he drags them out of bed to get whacked.

 This upset me so much, I had to get revenge. I decided to impersonate German Santa and ruin his reputation! So, I dressed up as Santa the german pedophile for a Fetish X-mas party.. (an adult-only event) and went around offering people candy to caress the large plastic penis sticking out of my santa suit. Ho ho ho merry chrissssmassss!! I had coal too, to those who declined. I carried a very large birch that I whacked my 2 middle aged elves with. They looked cute.  
Silly, but cathartic.

:  I dont know. I didnt really have a problem with any of this until I was learned to hate the people around me. They messed up my feelings on purpose. "That boy is too happy... Look at how he questions things! Look at how he talks to the girls..." I was all open and free.

Heh, me too... "Stop acting like you think you are so special" they said... I could never understand what they meant by that. Caused me a lot of confusion.
It happens to all of us, Sean. We start out innocent and free, and then we grow an ego to learn to be civilized... and most folks do not find their way out again, till they die.

The funny irony, the cosmic joke is that those of us who felt the loss of Spirit most keenly, are also the ones who go looking for the exit sooner.

If not for this crap, you would not be on a spiritual path. It had purpose, in shaping who you are to be. You have not yet finished the first 1/3 of your life, you still have most of your life ahead of you, and it will be glorious! Partly due to the foundation of experience from your childhood.

:  It gets to me that I am to blame or I am the cause of any of this. I didnt know anything about this. How could I know? Sometimes I hate myself for what I was shown. For what I learned. Its hard to hear that, all the pain, you made it. It freaks me out, makes me so sad... I just wanted to be happy. Not hate anyone.

It is not about blame. Don't go there! It is about choices, and the higher purpose of events.  To me, it appears you made a pre-birth choice to have some things happen, because they would set you on a journey to a new direction.
 Even so, it is ego that wants reasons to surrender. Stuff just Is. Let it go.

  The dark is essential to the creative process, Sean. There mst always be destruction in creation, the stone is chipped to pieces to release the form within. It is the challenges of life that inspire us to the greatest heights. Like Terry fox... cancer took his leg, so he ran across Canada and inspired millions of people.

 Like 9/11, even... tragedy brings people together, brings the best and the worst in people to light. Shakes things up, makes something new.

 You are perfection, and so all of the events that went into shaping you, must also be perfection. They made you... Sean the baby Buddha on the path, caring so much about the world that you cannot stand it... it is lovely. Human, beautiful.

:  Today I can't walk anywhere and not feel my body hurt with every move, and it tells me. Look what was done. Look what they did to you. With there lies. With there religion.

Gotta let go of this victimhood, Sean.. that is what your body is telling you. It is showing you what is unforgiven, within you.

  Why keep giving your power away to other folks, with blame? That is the way to stay stuck, not the way to get free. Not to blame yourself either... why blame anyone? It is not about blame, it is about higher purpose... which we may never know!! But you can still think about it, and Goddess will give ego the reasons it needs, so long as your goal is surrender.
 What did you gain from the hard stuff of your childhood? What were the gifts hidden within the problems?
 It led you here!! It made you look for a way out of the box.
 You are processing old memories of how it felt, then... but then was essential to creating the Now, and the dreams of what Will Be. Start prospecting for silver linings among the junk passing through.

 You know, the core of this whole Mother issue is that you are angry at God/Goddess for making life so hard. There is nothing that happens, that is not Divine will. Might as well blame Goddess, if you need to blame somebody. Take it to the source, She won't judge you for it.
It is all Goddess. Everything.

:They hurt you. They put this in you. Religion did this to you. And where are they now? Still doing the same things. Where am I? Broken. I have a constant reminder of all that happened to me every day. I dont think I can ever really put this all away until the damage has been healed. I can't see a way around it....

You don't have to see a way around it. Just surrender it. Give up your eyes that only see limitations. See it through Goddess eyes. Nursing your victimhood gets you no where. It is just continuing to give your power away... the power you need to heal yourself.

 Ya know, I had a pretty nasty childhood... and one thing that sustained me was a stubborn anger, that if my life was ruined by what someone did to me, then they would have "won". Like you say, it *seemed* like the people around me were determined to mash me flat and mess me up... and I refused to allow it. I learned self hypnosis when I was 12, and that made it easier. Stuff I did not understand well enough to let go of, I packaged and gift wrapped for when I would be older and wiser.

  Makes no sense now, but then, it sustained me. I did not do it perfectly, it was not till my late 20's that I really stopped blaming my parents for how I turned out. Recognised that an attitude of victimhood hurts me more than it hurts anybody else. Still fall into it now and then, but seldom, and it does not last. I know it is illusion and I dont give it power of attention.

  I had seen visions of myself as an adult, it gave me a sense of perspective most children do not have. I knew I just had to hang in there and be stubborn till my body had grown up, then I could go off and do whatever I wanted. They would have no more power to tell me what to do, or how to be. I made my own future happiness more important than what was done to me. Hanging onto victimhood and blame only delayed my own growth and maturity.

 It did not happen overnight, either... it took many years, and it still comes up now and then... but then, I did not have a guru...

Real maturity, is when you no longer blame someone else for who you are. When you really do own yourself, instead of giving yourself away as you are doing, with victimhood.

If you ike, you can try to get back these pieces of yourself you gave away.

 Ask to do a higher self meditation with everyone that you have ever interacted with... let the Angels handle the details, gathering everyone together, etc... just be clear in your intention. Give each person back, any part of them that you are holding, and ask for them to give back the part of you, that you gave away to them. Give them unconditional love also. Thank them for being in your life, and for meeting with you. Then let them all go.
 You do not have to do this individually, just meditate with this intention and let the Angels handle the people and the transactions.

  Another way, is to simply give the pieces of yourself that are within them, up to Goddess... and let Goddess replace them with whatever She thinks best.

:  I always get really mad when other people talk about religion. Or guides. Or New age people with there off target ideas. I want to explode them all.

LOL!! I am a new age person who talks about religion all the time... but, you do not usually want to explode me. Why? Because you trust in my love. You have learned to see Goddess in me, and in yourself. Learning to see Her in everything else, is inevitable... and it is also a process that continues as long as you live. Expanding consciousness.

 Sean, you are fine! You are processing... emotions are releasing. You can watch it happen, if you like by going into the Witness state. You can observe the process and let your body handle itself.  
:
:  

:  Your my favorite Mystress. Out of all the Mystress's I know, your the best.

LOL!! You know other Mystresses? That is interesting...

:Sometimes I dont even want to deal with me. But you do. I go back and read some of my posts and get shocked at how bad things are for me. I can feel how I was. Even now I can feel how I was what.. yesterday? So I know this is not exactly the funnest thing to.

Actually, Sean, you are a fun student. Your stuff does not stick to me. I know you are processing and experiencing suffering, but I am not. Responding to your posts is time consuming, but otherwise pretty effortless. Sometimes you really make me laugh.

  The thing is, you are very receptive, and I appreciate that. You are taking the information in the course and making good use of it, which is very rewarding for me. My only concern is that I may be pushing you too fast. I trust Goddess has it handled.

 Often when I respond to you I also feel about a dozen students who prefer not to post themselves, but who are taking a keen interest in our conversations. I have not tried to indentify them, since they seem to prefer to remain anonymous. Perhaps they will speak up and introduce themselves.

Blessings...