Eboné's Pre-Graduation Essay

[eboné]

I am posting this per Mystress's suggestion. I'm honored to share it actually.

Here it is:

I think I toyed with the idea of taking the Fire Serpent Tantra course for at least two years before I actually signed up. There was a darkness I felt around it that scared me a little. And while the BDSM aspect intrigued me, at that time, as a proud card carrying member of the Daughters of the Patriarchy, I found it to abusive to men. Looking back now, all I can do is laugh at myself.
My first introduction to Tantra was Neo Tantra. I have always had an intense interest in sex and loved the spiritual aspect that the context of Tantra presents. But it wasn't enough for me. The idea that sexual energy can only be used when having sex with another person just didn't resonate with me. I felt there was more.
In the two years that I discovered Fire Serpent Tantra and actually signed up, I became a Kundalini Reiki Master. Having the desire to be a healer and learn how to share my energy with others became an intense interest. It was around this time that I felt Goddess calling me. In learning that energy IS Goddess herself, I felt even more strongly that healing was my path. During the third and last attunement of KR, Goddess appeared to me and told me that she was going to reveal herself to me. Shortly after this I learned that Kundalini Reiki was  developed by a former student of Fire Serpent Tantra that wanted to repackage Fire Tummo. That was the sign I needed to move forward.
In the beginning, I have to admit, the pace was so slow it was killing me!!! I'm a speed reader and have a voracious appetite for knowledge. But I was forced to adjust. It was challenging. Once I started the grounding exercises, I began to feel an opening within myself. I felt a connection with nature that I'd never experienced before. I also began to feel myself tap into other people at an energetic level. The whole of creation seemed to be an orchestra of frequencies and I wanted to feel it all. With this new discovery, I was preoccupied enough to flow with the pace of the course.
I began to experience synchronicities almost daily. My dreams also began to be more intense. One night I dreamed I was in a harem and was covered in bodies. There was a handsome Indian man who pulled me out and began to make love to me. I could feel every wave of energy course through my body. It was so intense I tried to wake up, but could not. It was as if I was suspended in time. I still could feel this energy and also began to see images of snakes. It was a great relief to discover that this was my Divine Beloved revealing himself to me. And just as you said, he changes form often, but I always know it's him.
Around the time of the class regarding Death, I was reminded of times in my youth when I was gripped by fear from this dark presence. Well it showed up again, standing in the corner of my room. Each day it got closer, until one day I felt in the bathroom with me before I took my shower. When I got in, I felt it behind me but was too scared to turn around. Then it appeared right before me. It was a dark hooded figure. I resolved to face it and once it did, it pushed back it's hood to reveal a skull. I envisioned becoming one with it and once I did, it vanished. I felt much lighter in general and began to feel a lack of needing to judge others as I had in the past.
Over the next couple of months, I began to feel even more detached from life in general. The passion I once had to save others faded into an acceptance that everything is as it should be. I felt that instead of fighting the war against right and wrong, light and dark, to just surrender to reality. Especially about myself. I began to sit with the hard truth that I wasn't this good person I tried so hard to be. That I was also an angry, frustrated woman who craved acknowledgement, but out of fear, always stayed in the background while silently hating those who shone simply by being themselves. And who also had no concern for others when my security was threatened. I had to accept my jealousies, my hatred, prejudices and distain for this awful world. All of my life I have been consumed by the need to escape this evil world. At 19, I even joined a spiritual community, which now I can admit was a cult. But in my desire to be good and right, I became the most dogmatic, judgemental soul to ever walk the earth. It's so funny how we can transform into the very energy we seek to escape.
In the last year, from all that I have learned from this course, cultivating a deeper relationship with myself as the Divine itself, has helped me broaden my perspective of life and most importantly, MYSELF. I cannot remember a time when I have not sought to understand why I walk the earth. My journey to enlightenment, for many years, was chased down as an ambition. That somehow being enlightened made me better, more valuable, more deserving of love and blessings. In putting the wisdom I have learned here and putting it into practice, I can now enjoy the perfection of each moment. That this whole life journey, the pleasant and painful experiences, were all needed for me to become aware of the Truth: that I have been, was and always will be PERFECT, a reflection of Divinity. Just as every other soul walking this earth. I am no longer in a hurry towards anything in particular. I no longer have a destination or an expected outcome. Sure, there are things that I want, and I do make requests daily. But having surrendered to Goddess I am at peace with my existence. I feel Her love for me in good and trying times. And desire to share Her unconditional love with all those who cross my path. Whether through a listening ear, a hug or a tongue lashing!
The greatest challenge of this incarnation has been the experience of the Other. The needing of a partner to share my life with. There was a time when I didn't feel alive without one. I separated from my children's father 2 years ago and felt empty for a long time. I didn't know how I would be able to provide for myself and six children on my own. But in taking this course and doing the work, I have managed to carve out a life for myself. I moved from my parents home, living in hotels and a shelter, to driving to another state to home where my children are happy and thriving, and through magic and opportunities, Goddess has provided employment that is truly heaven sent. I never knew or never really believed that life could be so magical. But it truly is a gift.
I cannot say that this path has been easy. In the beginning, I experienced many painful things. All of my greatest fears seem to chase me down and put me in a choke hold. There were days when I felt completely lost, abandoned and unloved. Now I can clearly see that it was my perception that created the pain I felt. The perception that this physical realm is all there is and taking it way too seriously. Being able to connect with Goddess and the VOID, gave me the contrast I needed to experience life in a more balanced way. That everything and everyone is valid and an expression of Her. Life itself is an expression of this love. I am grateful for the awareness this course has given me and intend to continue my journey.